NDE Accounts

Archive through April 10, 2003

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 10, 2003 - 05:05 pm:

My first encounter with angels occurred in 1974. While
undergoing a surgical procedure, the doctor made a mistake,
cut an artery, and I lost too much blood to sustain life. As my
physical body lay dying on the operating table, I rose up and
surveyed the situation.

I noticed that the doctors and nurses were upset, and were
working desperately to save me. In my ethereal body, with my
mental faculties and personality intact, I went nose-to-nose with
each one and told them to relax, that I was okay, but they ignored me.

Frustrated, I moved higher up, away from my body, and began to
fly. Gravity had no effect on me. Flying was natural and effortless,
sort of like swimming underwater, but in an ocean of brilliant white

I heard a kind and gentle voice speak. Without my asking, the
Voice answered all the big questions about life. Then, my smallest concerns were addressed as if they were matters of great importance. When the Voice told me why Aunt Bettie married Uncle Fred, I giggled with joy and contentment. My curiosity had been completely satisfied, and I felt like a child held in the arms of a loving parent after a hard day at school. The Voice in the Light had anticipated and joyfully fulfilled my needs and desires, with good humor, extreme love and enormous tenderness.

The nurse yelled, "We’re losing her," and at the sound of distress I
was propelled upward. The farther up I went, the brighter the Light became. Two cherubs appeared, one on either side of me, and we
slowly drifted to the corner of the ceiling. We communicated through mental telepathy, which is faster and more efficient than mere words.

They told me they were Escort Angels and had come to take me
Home. But before we could go, I had to look at the body I was
leaving behind. She was twenty-five years old and in perfect health, except for the loss of blood and spirit. I determined that the situation was not serious enough, and in less than an instant I reentered my physical body through the navel. I was back on Earth and suffering from Homesickness.

I looked up at the ceiling to see the Escort Angels fly through the wall, and I became emotionally distraught. I was embarrassed because I had forgotten to thank them for coming to get me. Years later, whenever I thought about my lack of good manners, I cringed inside. One day, I heard one of them say, "Why don't you thank us now?" I laughed, relieved that I could right a wrong. I said, "Thank you," and I saw balloons, confetti, and two tiny cherubs dancing in celebration.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, April 7, 2003 - 02:08 pm:

I was hit by a car while riding a motorcycle. My head went into the windshield, and my leg was nearly ripped off.

I felt no pain. I lied there and was bleeding so much that my heart stopped.

When I woke up in ICU I didn't know what happened. I remember to this day of telling my dad and mom that I wasn't afraid anymore of death.

I haven't ever really told anyone about what happened or how differently I felt after the accident. I was always reluctant to talk about it because it was the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I didn't want to be just blown off by someone telling me I was crazy.

I see certain signs now. I believe there is a spirit inside everyone. I don't believe in any certain religion. I think your spiritual side is something you should try and develop on your own. Not be taught what to believe and not be told what you can do and not do.

I was hit by a car while riding a motorcycle. I should have died. I've even questioned myself that maybe I did die.

As the years pass I still have that same thought that I came out of the experience with. I'm not afraid of death. It is not the end.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 25, 2003 - 09:51 pm:

I was driving down the national highway on a scooter when a buffalo attacked me and threw me off my bike. The attack was so severe that I somersaulted and skidded quite a distance before coming to a stop.

The one thing that I do remember from this and why I consider this to be a NDE for me, is during the split second when I was going through the accident and falling all over the place, my mind was somewhere outside the body. I felt no pain and was very relaxed at that point of time. My whole life flashed before me in those few seconds. I remembered things that happened with me a long time back and I remembered every detail about them. But the most remarkable thing is that I never felt afraid during this, I was very much relaxed. It was almost like as if I was a spectator watching someone else getting involved in an accident. Every mistake that I had done in my life, knowingly and unknowingly flashed before me. Everyone who had come in contact with me, I saw all of there faces and also felt a realizations for all my acts. I also remember seeing a light but not very clearly.

I opened my eyes and saw some villagers trying to help me. I was not sure who they were, and the first thing I asked them was, was I alive or dead. When they told me that I was alive, I again slipped back to unconsciousness but this time I clearly saw the light and also heard "its not your time", then I woke up, taken to a hospital and was treated over there.

It took me a long time to understand what had happened with me, and today even if no one believes me I do believe in life after death and today I am no longer afraid of death, today death is as beautiful as life to me maybe it is more beautiful then life. At least the preview that I had made me feel that way.

My NDE has definitely changed my life, maybe it was someone’s idea of improving me a little bit. Before this incident I was short tempered, always angry, used to fight a lot and never believed in god. But today I can say that I have changed and have changed a lot, how I do not know because I have not tried to. I just changed after the accident, just happened.

Today the questions that I have on my mind are not about life or death. Because today I know that both of them are very much real. I used to think that when a person dies, that person goes into a deep sleep, something like a computer which is turned off. But now I know that death is not a deep sleep, you are very much awake after you die and very much alert. Today death is just like life to me, the only difference being the place, which will change once you die.

I know death is beautiful. I know that in the back of my head and today I am looking forward to the day I will die. I am looking forward to finding the ultimate truth about life and death. And I know it will be beautiful.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 18, 2003 - 08:05 pm:

I had a sinus infection that just wouldn't go away. I went to the Treatment Center in our town to see a doctor and he prescribed an antibiotic. I told him that in the past I had had stomach problems with antibiotics and he assured me that there were no side effects with the medication and that I should take it. I should have followed my own instincts and not taken it, but I did.

After four days of taking it, I woke up in the middle of the night with a fever and chills and felt very, very bad. I went to the bathroom and was passing blood. I went into the living room and lay down on the couch. My husband followed me and lay down on the other couch.

I was resting when I very suddenly left my body. It was very sudden. I mean, I didn't hang around looking at my physical body or anything. Just one minute I was in my body and the next I was in this place that was hard to explain. It was a nothing place with light fog or mist, I guess you could say. I felt fine...calm, not scared at all, just kind of interested in where I was.

Then out of the mist comes the pastor of my church and I was sooooo glad to see him! I was overjoyed to see him. He was a wonderful man and everyone loved him. And I said, "Oh, D____! I'm so glad to see you! How are you?" But he seemed very upset and had a very worried face and began waving his arms around and he was just acting frantic. So I said, "Aren't you glad to see me? I've missed you so much since you died last summer!" And then it hit me and I said, "If you're dead and I'm here with you, then..." And he started nodding his head frantically.

Just as suddenly I slammed back into my body. I came back so hard that I fell off the couch and onto the floor. I had no idea how sick I really was. I was very weak. I crawled over to the other couch where my husband was asleep. I reached up and grabbed his foot and when he woke I just said, "Hospital". When my husband took my temperature it was 105 degrees.

We found out that the antibiotic I had taken had wiped out all the good organisms in my intestines and I got an overgrowth of a germ called clostridia. I'm not sure how you spell it. I was passing a lot of blood and blood tests showed that the infection was in my blood as well. I was very, very ill and I'm sure they feared for my life. There was really nothing they could do for me except keep me hydrated. Finally my personal physician gave me an antifungal medication. It had the effect of sloughing off the infection in my intestines. I think he was very clever to do that. I also used herbal teas to help.

The doctors refused to admit that the infection was caused by the antibiotic, but it was. They didn't want to take responsibility. Their official diagnosis was "psuedomembraenous colitis". It should have read "We almost killed her".

I was very weak for a long, long time after that and I think it was a miracle I survived. I lost a lot of weight and it took a long time to get back to strength again. I had a lot of digestive problems for a few years afterward, but I'm fine now.

I have had other experiences I think were nde's, but I have never been in the light. I have always regretted that...been really sad about that. I was sick a lot as a little child and left my body many times but I never made it to the light. And once I left on purpose during a period of depression. So many times in my life I have just cried and cried and wanted to go Home. I mean my REAL Home.

I would like to tell you about my other experiences? Please let me know if you would like to hear them.

Thank you.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 18, 2003 - 07:54 pm:

I was driving towards home with my two son's in the car when a car struck us from behind as I was making maneuvers to the outer lane to take a right turn a few hundred yards up the road. We were perused by the car and hit a second time. I came through as the emergency services were cutting us out of the car. My son Justin was sitting in the front passenger seat and Allan was sitting in the rear directly behind Justin. Allan was 14 and Justin was 16 at the time. I felt no pain and thought about how straight I was sitting. Everything inside the car looked normal. I looked at Justin and saw he had something in his mouth to open his airways. I could not get a response from him. I tried to move but could not. A man was on his hunkers beside my window and I told him I had to get out, my children were hurt. He told me to stay where I was that they were there to help me. I began to scream for Justin, pleading with him to answer me. There was no sound from Allan and I screamed for him until I heard him cry. I prayed and pleaded with Jesus to give me all my children's pain and leave them alone, I cried out for my babies.
I felt something ripping from me, like a force leaving my body, energy leaving the car, Allan and I screamed for Justin but I knew he was gone.

I remember nothing after that until I was in an ambulance on my way to the hospital. My sons were taken in another ambulance to another hospital. I faded into a place that was tranquil and quiet. There was no light and no sound.

At some stage later in the evening I opened my eyes and my husband was there. All I could see was his face, everything else was blackness and his face. I asked about Allan and then told him that I knew Justin was dead. I asked about Justin's organs, as I knew Justin had a donor card and he said that the hospital Justin had been brought to wanted to know about Justin's eyes. After that I went back to the quiet place and I had a great sense of peace. I felt no discomfort or pain.

The accident happened on the 18th July 1995 at 17.03. On the 25th July I regained consciousness at midday. Many things were happening as I came through. The Angelus was ringing on the radio in the background in the Intensive Care Unit. A few days later I was moved into a main ward. As I began to "come down" I experienced great pain in my heart. Over the coming days my family related to me what had happened in the week.

On the day and right at the time that I came through Justin was being escorted to the cemetery with a police escort making sure nothing crossed his path. He was with the people who loved him. Over the days after the 25th I got a great sense that I had been with Justin for the week I was "unconscious". I remained with him until he was "settled". My senses were very alert and I had vivid dreams. When people came into my room they commented on the great sense of peace there. Some people did not want to leave the peace. I was told that the night I was brought to the hospital I was sedated but they could not get me to rest, I just talked and talked. All the nurses who attended me learnt every thing there was to know about Justin. When they came to my room after I regained consciousness I wondered how they knew all the things they knew about me and I was told I had told them the evening I arrived at the hospital. My daughter and sister who had spent all that first evening with me thought I was aware I was very alert because of how I was talking. I had visions of myself sitting talking to them. I could see and feel myself sitting on the edge of the bed talking to them swinging my legs but I was actually laid flat with a head brace on to protect my head and neck incase these were injured in the crash.

I was on a life support machine during my week in intensive care. I had a smashed pelvis, broken ribs, fractured tibia and fibula on my right leg, broken femur and hip in my left leg and massive bruises. My family was on alert for the first three days as doctors said it was touch and go for me.

I used to have a great fear of death and dying but not anymore. I have had dreams about planes crashing into each other and debris falling from the sky, of the sun falling from the sky, of being chased around a car park by a car with blacked out windows.

Many people were amazed when they witnessed the subtle messages I got even when they were present, like Justin's favourite songs playing on the radio at times when various people were in the room with me or if I was sad. This also happened when I went back to places I used to visit with Justin before he died.

I find it very difficult to put my experiences into words and I am not sure if one would call my experience near death but I believe something amazing happened to me. Today I know I can tell what certain people are thinking, I know things I would not have been so sure of before the accident. I am driven to help others and help them heal and understand that death is nothing to fear. I have been connected with people who are working in the area of spiritual renewal.

I guess perhaps some feedback on thoughts about my experience would be appreciated if nothing else.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 01:28 pm:

I had an operation to remove most of the neck of my womb due to pre-cancerous cells.

It was after the operation. I thought I was sitting up on the trolley. I felt a powerful calmness like I had never felt in my life. I was totally at peace. I saw all these nurses round the trolley fiddling around looking worried and I wondered why they weren't looking at me. I looked down over my left shoulder to where their hands appeared to be fiddling and saw myself apparently asleep. I realized the nurses were trying to help me in some way and I remember thinking "Oh! - That’s me!” I just watched for a few seconds and I saw a man who I later learned was the surgeon come through these doors with some urgency. He asked, "What's the matter?" and someone replied "It's her heart". I was in no pain at all and when I looked down forwards I felt I was joined at the waist as if my spirit was half outside of my body. At the time this was happening I didn't question anything. I wasn't scared or worried. Just calmly interested in what was going on as if my body was actually someone else.

The next thing I recall I was being wheeled down the corridor back to my room and I was in a lot of pain and pleading with the nurse to give me something to get rid of it. I was kicking my legs in agony. Then I drifted in and out of sleep having my pulse monitored regularly.

When my boyfriend visited he woke me up and I told him about this bizarre 'dream' I had experienced. He immediately took the clipboard from the end of my bed and it showed my heart had slowed to around 40 beats a minute. Without thinking, I described the recovery room in detail as one of the nurses was in the room and she couldn't believe how I knew what it looked like as she said I was in a very deep sleep in there. She seemed alarmed by my knowledge.

It wasn't until months later that I recognized this experience as an out of body experience. I wish I could feel that calm all the time!!!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 01:22 pm:

It was at my sisters wedding and I was best man to my brother in law. I had been drinking a bit more than normal but, not major. I had just done my best man speech and went outside for a bit of fresh air (this so far is only on the say so of people telling me of the build up).

I just collapsed on the spot. All I can remember was total blackness and spots of white light coming to me and me going to them. I felt a floating sensation and I realized that I was going really fast. The dots of light were starting to form together and out of the light came out a feature of a face, which was my late fathers, and he said that I was not ready.

Then, I quickly awoke in the back of an ambulance with medics and my wife who was in hysterics. I awoke shouting, “please take me”.

Whilst I was unconscious there was a nurse at the party who later told me and my wife that she thought I was going as my pulse was becoming weaker and weaker. The paramedics said I was very close and they were surprised that when I awoke I was fine and my heart rate etc. went back to normal in quick time.

I have never spoken to anyone about this. I will now show my wife for the first time what I have typed out.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 01:07 pm:

I used to have a lot of migraine headaches (which stopped after this experience). I was at my parent’s house. I had taken some medication for my migraine, and because of this I was staying at my parents. I just lit up a cigarette.... And..... Went out!

I found myself in a place that was devoid of everything except, a doorway of white/gold light. I had a consciousness, no body, and could see all around at once. I moved, thought to go towards the doorway of light, which by the way was as large as the darkness around it (I cant think of another way to describe this) and as I approached this doorway another Light became apparent just before the doorway. It was like a welcome mat of sorts. I had a sense of beginning to pass over the mat, almost into the doorway when, I heard from a great distance away my name “Geeoorrgggeee”. I recognized the name and the moment I did, I was racing at a breath-taking speed through the darkness. It felt almost like I was going backwards, towards and into another space/time and, found myself cracking back into my body through the top of my head. I sat bolt upright, knowing already who and where everyone in the room was, there were 2 paramedics and my parents.

My first response was to tell my mother everything was ok now. I was sooo at peace, it was such a profound peace that I cant describe it except that it was all Loving. I was told that once my father got me breathing again, I was "out" for another 20-30 minutes. The paramedics continued giving me oxygen and at first I didn’t want to go to the hospital, but couldn’t sign my name on the form, so I ended up going for about 15 minutes, until with the help from the oxygen I was clear headed.

The Peace I felt was so profound I wish I could explain it and even share it with others. As well for the next 6 months or so I was getting different revelations at a rate of about one per week. The revelations slowly went away after about 2 years and also I had no fear of death since. And, no more migraine headaches since. Although, now I do have sinus headaches. Oh as well, sometime after I had for about a 3 weeks span, maybe more, a number of instances where I thought my head was going to explode. At times it was so intense I had to drop to the floor with my hands on my head in a vain effort to hold it in, so it wouldn’t explode.

Umm I think that’s about it, there may be more but, that’s all I can remember right now. The Peace I felt, man I wish we all could feel it!!!!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, March 15, 2003 - 12:48 pm:

After ignoring burning sensations in my chest for two days, I began to experience pain going down my arms.

I decided to drive myself from work to a nearby hospital. I arrived at the emergency room with about an hour to spare. They had me all hooked up and had given me something for gas and then a nitroglycerin tablet which only increased my chest pain.

I felt my legs going numb and told them something was happening.

I passed out and found myself surrounded by this warm peaceful golden light. I was then welcomed by a group of people dressed in white who I recognized. I felt this incredible amount of LOVE that could best be described as GOD'S LOVE. I would have gladly stayed there for eternity.

I then found myself coming to and greeted by a very pale and nervous technician. He said it was the first time he had used the paddles to bring someone back to life. I remember being upset because I realized I had forgotten the people in white who had welcomed me and leaving all the LOVE behind.

Then reality set in. I had seven IVs' and a nice burn mark on my chest. One week later I had a triple bypass which went well with little anxiety since I no longer feared death.

Afterwards, I could not put the experience out of my mind. I told a few people about it and one of them said I had a NDE and there were some related WEB sites.

Since then, I have had some unique and wonderful experiences. One is a sensitivity to contemporary religious music which before, I was ambivalent to. I feel like a human juke box sometimes and hear a lot of, Michael W. Smith’s music playing in my head, especially when I feel stressed. I also try to read the Bible every day. The "Good News" seems to have taken on a whole new meaning. I'm still trying to make sense of my NDE and discern God's will.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, March 3, 2003 - 07:14 pm:

When I was a young boy some friends and me were sliding down a muddy bank racing each other, unfortunately the end of bank ran into a back road. On one of these burn ups I overshot the slide straight into the road into the path of an oncoming car. The car was travelling at about 30 to 35 mph, the outcome was as you can imagine not a good day out.

I sustained two broken legs one upper and lower two broken ankles and bad back injury. I forget now the extent of that. Anyway, I remember bits and pieces of the journey to hospital and initially at the hospital. I have no idea of the time scale but at some point during or after my operation I had what I can only describe as a major happening.

I was in total light, absolute light I had no body just my mind . I felt totally at peace. Then, it wasn’t a voice as such but, it was communication in my head that asked me if I wanted to move on from this place I was in to another place same as this but better or if I wanted I could go back. I did not hesitate, I wanted to stay with this place whatever it was wild horses wouldn’t make me go back. For some reason or another that wasn’t the answer they wanted. To cut a long story short, I was shown things about my future, people I would meet people that weren’t even born what I had in store if I went back. So never being one to miss out on anything, I came back.

Over the years I’ve had an inner feeling that I was going to be alright no matter how bad things got or whatever scapes I got myself into they would sort themselves out. I was going to have a good life and up to now that’s been spot on.

I’ll just tell you of one thing that’s happened since the accident that’s proof to me. About 4 years after it I was about 17, me and some of my mates were at a youth disco we were sitting at this table and, there were two rather tasty girls dancing in front of us. One of my mates wanted me to come with him and chat them up but, I declined. For some unknown reason I knew I just knew that one of the girls would be my wife but, now wasn’t the time. Not just a girlfriend but without question destiny said wife. I had seen her before and after many times. We were married 11 years later and have a beautiful 4-year-old girl.

What happened to me is not something I shout about. I’ve only told three people but, it happened. I don’t feel blessed or religious either, it was at the time and to me now a totally natural experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, March 3, 2003 - 06:59 pm:

I was at the local sauna with my wife Marjie, when about three to four minutes into it I began to feel real funny. My left arm became numb, and I kind of knew that if I didn't get out of there immediately that I would pass out.

We had been doing the sauna thing for about a year and I was used to going in. My wife got me out and started applying cold wet towels to my head. I had trouble standing so I sat down in a deck chair. It was at this moment that things really started to go.

I remember trying to keep conscious with all my will, but I was slipping. At that moment according to my wife I let out the last breath of air, what she described as the death rattle.

What I experienced at the same time was, one there was no tunnel, at least of what I remember. I suddenly found myself in a waiting area, it was like a room with no dimensions, but filled with the beautiful light that has no source. I knew immediately that I was in a place that I knew from before. It was like going home. I remember the vibration was at a much higher rate, and it felt, as though for the first time in a long time that I was completely free. I distinctly remember looking at my right hand which was almost like an outline of a hand, but with almost a sparkle type of cast to it. I guess it wasn't a hand in the traditional sense, but something more beautiful. I also remember saying, or more like thinking, "what the hell happened, I must have died." I did not want to leave this place, I wanted to stay even though I had been married only a short while. I did not meet any deceased loved ones, but I felt they were coming to greet me. I cannot put into words the joy that I felt in my brief stay, but I will surely try to paint it.

When I came back, it was painful I felt the gravity, the wet coldness of the tile floor, the slowdown of the vibration, all of the things that this plane has to offer. My experience is as vivid today as it was over nine years ago.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, March 3, 2003 - 06:51 pm:

Never could describe it, but from 1993 -1996 I created an 18"x24" collage that's about as representative. (That was before I discovered computers; I have now reworked it a bit digitally from the original, though it's relatively the same as before. I don't seem to follow the typical nde pattern which explains the (?) above.

I had a seizure of some sort related to medication & was in intensive care unconscious for a couple days. They released me on the third day, with no dx, & that evening I had this epiphany or whatever.

If anyone's curious I will email it via jpg format, but the telling of it leaves me speechless.

I can only say I emerged with a total understanding of the machinations of the universe and the phrase, "love is the answer, communication is the key."

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, March 3, 2003 - 06:46 pm:

I had a near-death experience in 1985 at the age of 30. I drowned.

I saw the faces of great aunts and uncles that I had known in my youth. My spirit became a giant light. I saw, in my mind the high points of my life (there were only four of them!?!?) I began to leave my body before my physical body had even begun to die. And I argued with some being about my future missions in this life. I was made to come back to help people. To give them hope and to awake in them an awareness of a vaster universe that they already live in. It was an astonishing and unexpected experience for me.

In this death experience, I realized the following things:
. Death is painless. Dying is like going to sleep; only you are still awake and alert.
. We are more alive after death than we are here, on this planet.
. Unnecessary acts of kindness count a lot. Beliefs are far less important than most people think.
. The quality of person that you are in this life directly reflects your quality of life in the next phase of your existence. I wasn't dead long enough to find out a lot about the next phase. Only that there is one.

What changed for me?
. I see people's actual spirit, not their auras, the actual them. If they died right then, I see whatever would be left "floating around".
. I feel people's emotions as though they were inside of me.
. I know that people's thoughts erupt from different parts in their brain and coalesce into central thoughts that they either focus on or express to others. Our minds work with pictures; the variation of internal images is immense. There are many little "yous" inside your brain that make up the big "you" that you talk to people with and think that you are.
. People's thoughts and emotions (especially) are broadcast all over the place. They emanate from their entire bodies.

What do I offer others?
. Encouragement. I can "create" you into a whole person.
. Empowerment. I enhance people's abilities to feel other's emotions, to have reliable intuition, to make things happen with the power of their being.
. Enthusiasm. When you become truly human, life is exciting.

What keeps me going?
What interests me is the quality of a person's inner being. A person's inner being is pre-speech, and is more basic than emotions. It is your source of personal power and is your real self-identity. This part is frustrating to explain and is so very important for people to understand. Sigh.

And how, with an adjustment to a person's inner being, however slight, profound changes happen through time to that person and to the ones around that person. That, above all, is the most amazing thing to me.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 26, 2003 - 11:08 am:

I have written in detail about this in my book, (Galde Press,2001 available on Amazion) in "Pathways Through Pain, a spiritual journey."

..woke up frorm TMJ surgery. ...Teeth wired, (surgery didn't go well, they couldn't stop the bleeding or get the wires in my jaw joints and jaw bone to "stick". My face was all bandaged except for eyes and nose, and upper part of mouth. I was in terrrible pain, and choking on blood filling my throat and lungs, (before asperated out) I floated outside my body and stopped fighting and hurting.

My pain was so terrible I couldn't believe each breath screamed or that you could be alive feeling so much pain! I then went into a peaceful void, (could see LIGHT and beings in the distance). Suddenly it got a little darker and these snarling nasty growling creatures enclosed around me, trying to prevent me from going to the LIGHT! I got angry and yelled, "I rebuke you and send you to the LIGHT!" (did it three times). (I had never used that statement before in my life!)

The creatures left suddenly upon the third yell of that statement, the beings got closer. I was in the light and they told me to go back! I cried and pleaded not to go back, I didn't want to go back! They said I wasn't finished yet. (Great!)

I "fell" back into my body, immediately in unbelievable pain, and felt somene sucking the blood out of my mouth with a long red tube (through a broken tooth) and after what seemed like a couple of minutes, I stopped gagging, starting breathing, and that was that.

The ryhmes had already started with the first of the (previous) of four cancers within four years, but after this TMJ surgery experience, (it came last) my clairvoyant/psycjic gifts, and speaking in rhyme, went over the top!

Has anyone else developed this ability and gifts like me? I would love to meet them and hear their story.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 08:34 pm:

It started with green and purple flashes in front of my eyes.

I then experienced that I was sat up outside my body. I was aware that my body was still lying on my bed. There was a beautiful light, small at first but grew as it became closer. I felt a deep sense of peace, my thoughts were still as if nothing was important except this deep feeling of peace and beauty. A voice, that was unrecognizable to me, said, "You've gone too far. You've died." It was a beautiful voice, calm, soft, loving. I wasn't shocked at what the voice had said, I was still extremely peaceful. The voice said again, "You've gone too far you've died" then it said "Breathe, breathe you'll be all right."
I was sat up outside my body but I could feel myself lying down trying to breathe.

The next moment, it was like I sat up and caught myself inside myself. The light that I had been focused on faded outside the window and the darkness that had surrounded the light melted into the shadows of my bedroom.

After taking the overdose, I had no serious illness and did not seek medical help. Physically my eyesight was improved, colours seemed brighter and detail was sharper. Other lights had colours around it like a spectrum, that hadn't been seen before and people sometimes had auras of colour around them as well.

I felt for the first time ever a love and acceptance of myself and others that didn't exist before. I can't explain what ALL ONE is but I know that we are all one.

I felt saddened after the experience because of the lack of respect people show to one another.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 19, 2003 - 08:25 pm:

It was the summer of 1967 early afternoon the last day before summer vacation 6 or 8 of us skipped school to go to the river to hang out.

I remember 2 kids jumped into the river and swam across to the lock and dam and the other boys and girls both went into the woods to be alone except one other boy and myself. I said to him looking at the other two boys across the river “I wish I could swim”. I loved the water but I could not swim.

He picked up this blown up car inner tube and handed it to me and said "Throw this in the water" Then jump in when you come up grab it, but throw it above the current a little. I can swim. I will be right here.

So I did, When I got back on the rock we talked a bit then he went off somewhere. I was sitting there thinking how much I liked it. So I went to do it on my own, but I dove in this time which means I went deeper in the water, when I came back up the tube was down out of reach. I went down again I came back up kicking but I could not call out because I had taken in so much water. So I was on my way down again the last thing I saw was a bridge. A high bridge which was to my left. Then I felt the water getting colder and I gave up and blacked out.

When I came to, I thought I was above the bridge. In the sky floating toward this bright light. I was lighter than air. I had no cares in the world. I felt great, I wanted to keep going. I guess out of curiosity I looked down and saw people standing in a circle on the rock and someone in the middle on top of someone. Then I recognized the kid in the middle was as the kid with the tube earlier and I knew it was me underneath.

Then I came to again with him on top of me pumping the water out of me. I remember he still had his shirt on and pack of cigarettes in his pocket was wet. The water was running out of his cigarettes and was burning my eyes from the wet tobacco. Yet to this day I do not know his name but he saved my life that day.

Out of almost 50 years I have never felt as good as I did then floating in the sky, nothing has ever come close to that experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 16, 2003 - 01:53 pm:

Emergency Caesarean after 28 hrs labour. Pelvic opening too small. Inexperienced surgeon , only one that year. Operation started 6.30 pm. Paralyzed but could still hear conversations around me.

Darkness. Then floating sensation, up high looking down on my body and staff, no ceiling. Heard & saw & smelt. seemed normal at the time, not frightened, alarmed, no pain, just curious, fascinated. As though happening to someone else.

Lots of alarms going off by my head, lots of activity, another doctor called in. I ignored what was happening to me, interested in birth. Already prepared and cut, so few minutes I must have been out. Saw surgeon pull baby out, swearing as stuck, enlarge opening, then more swearing as cord around neck, lots of activity, no crying from baby, awful smell, lots of blood, not clear view of baby as staff bending over, only see top of heads. Off to one side, saw and heard Irish accented nurse discussing her engagement party last night, seemed strange amid all this noise (and chaos to me), she took a box out of trouser pocket, opened it showed to another nurse, now realize the ring.
Another nurse discussing film she saw, Top Gun at cinema.

Then all noise drowned out by rushing noise, like wind in bamboo and I 'turned over' and was drawn up, floating but, like blown along, through darkness towards light, wonderful warm safe secure light, diffused light, clear bluish, brighter in center, too bright to look at centre. Felt wonderful, most wonderful feeling ever, safe, warm loved, no more pain, promise of no more pain, worries ever. Wanted so much to go towards light. Then above wind noise heard my baby cry. Looked away from light back to darkness, just for minute looked back to light, wanted to go to light but also wanted to go back to my baby. Another cry. Baby needed me. Drawn back to dark to pain.

Woke up 10 am next morning. staff worried as 'out' for so long. Wonderful sense of peace, secure, cared for, not by staff, as inexperienced, but by 'something'. Also for my baby. Staff concerned for baby, as oxygen starvation, cord had been wrapped round her neck. 50% chance of brain damage. But I knew not, knew she was safe was going to be strong, healthy, special. Baby medivaced back. 3rd. Staff amazed at how calm I was. Husband also, not usual for me. Tried to tell him and staff about amazing experience, no one listened, just drugs, a dream, they were embarrassed. post natal depression! Stopped talking about it.

Found out from my notes that my heart had stopped during the operation and I had been resuscitated. The surgeon had made an enlarging cut as her head was small compared to her shoulders, the cord had been around her neck and there had been 'complications'. Also found out via grapevine that Irish nurse had got engaged the night before. Film Top Gun had been on the night before, no way of knowing as we lived other end of island, different Cinema & spent previous 28 hrs in labour room!

I know that it was real. It has changed my life, more than just having a baby. I feel that we are both 'protected' and that she is special in some way, I was sent back to protect guide her, to be her mother. I feel that I've been given a second chance a new purpose, not sure what yet, to be her mother or healing? Now work with Special Needs children with M.E. which I've had myself for 9 years. Never 'religious’ before experience, not really in a conventional way now, but know that there is a soul, an afterlife and that its wonderful. Not scared of dying, know its wonderful.

Hope this will help others. I wanted to share it with you.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 16, 2003 - 01:39 pm:

As a scuba instructor I was an experienced diver and able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and swim under water 100 meters or more. Unsatisfied with my life at 24 I willingly drowned myself in a swimming pool where I was giving instructions.

I (my soul or spirit) entered a tunnel of bright greenish light and felt completely serene, welcome, at the right place. The wall of the tunnel existed of a dynamic spiral of greenish light. I had to travel light years and certainly was not in contact with the other side immediately. There was no communication at first.

I must have stayed under water at least 15 minutes before I was taken out. Comrades trained in First Aid tried artificial respiration but failed. A medical doctor concluded clinical death of heart and brain. An ambulance was called for transportation to a hospital.

My comrades refused to accept my death and restarted their efforts to reanimate me. I heard my girl friend strongly call me back but I did not want to re-enter my blue body that I had seen lying down there on the white tiles.

Then I got a message 'from above' to return and do what was in stock for me. I was given very clear instructions how to live my life and never, never do this again.

Spontaneously I began to breath again. In the hospital I was kept in an artificial coma for two weeks to rest my brain and when allowed to regain consciousness I knew exactly what had happened and what I had to do. Physically my so called short memory and my breathing centre were damaged but, I was able to fulfill my military duties and use my talents and build a career.

My personality had changed completely, I had become who I wanted to be. People call me a good person. I am detached, meaning that I can miss anything, money, goods, wife, children, friends, myself. I am not afraid of anything, the least of death. This does not mean that these things do not interest me, I love them and want them and fight to have and to keep them, but if it so happens that they are lost I can live with that, because I know what life is and what death is. The great difference is that after a NDE KNOWING has come in the place of BELIEVING / SUPPOSING /GUESSING. It sound perhaps hypocritical but I feel I am above all religions. I see religions as an attempt to create heaven or a connection with above, the creator and the use of rites to make it easier to achieve that connection. Every religion and science is a restriction of the free mind. It is so simple: open up and the direct connection is there. May be it is not so simple and one has to die first. Well that's worth it!

Even today I can re-enter that tunnel at will and spend some time 'over there'. My wife notices my leaving my body as a uncontrolled shock, somewhat like in a seizure. I can acquire any knowledge and wisdom regarding humanity, society, science as well as individual people and use that in my own life. This knowledge may have to do with things that are about to happen, but I cannot change fate, I can only help people at that moment and after it happened because I am prepared and know the meaning of it. There usually is some 'key' to the use of that knowledge. It is understood that things are being developed and will come thru at the proper time via somebody's mind (invention, inspiration).

A true enrichment is what I learned about former lives and the friends over there I can discuss essential life questions with.

Of practical use is the service to anyone. I can ask questions for them and pass on the answers like a medium.

I feel this NDE was necessary for me and I love it, it made my life rich by unselfishness and whole by giving all of myself.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 04:45 pm:

I was in a RTA a few miles from my home. I blacked on the point of impact.

Light gradually dawned in the darkness and I became aware I was in a boundless, well lit, misty place.

I then became aware of a Buddha-like entity who spoke to me by thought.

It became apparent that I could choose whether or not to 'come back'...

He showed me images of my life- my pregnant girlfriend, my family who would miss me and blame themselves, etc ...
so it seemed there was no choice; I remember jolting back into my body and coughing and struggling for breath.

My neck was broken and I remain paralyzed but, for partial use of my arms; although life as a tetraplegic isn't easy and sometimes the strain on myself and family is intense, the NDE has left me with a real faith that there is a god and that we are more than just these perishable bodies.

Strangely, I feel far happier and more at one with life than I ever did before .

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 01:22 pm:

My bowel was perforated during a routine surgery to remove an ovarian cyst. The doctor wasn't aware he had cut my intestine. Within 24 hours I was rushed back to surgery to fix the leak in my intestines, but it was too late the infection had spread through my body and caused my heart to stop three times during the surgery.

After or during the surgery...

I appeared to my room mate to be unconscious, however I was somewhere else all together. I had met up with my deceased first husband. He had come to greet me. He was smiling and moving towards me. I recognized him right away although he looked somewhat different. I was sure it was him. His welcoming frightened me and I turned to my room mate (who is alive) who quickly assured me that everything was ok. When I turned back to my deceased husband he had gone. Behind where he stood was Jesus. He did not speak, but some how communicated the message "I am". Then he evaporated into the wall behind him leaving perforated marks on the wall that left an outline of Christ. Those perforations then turned to blood and flowed downward towards the floor, then disappeared. I reminded myself to tell my daughters that their father's spirit was not dead. I had seen him and Christ. He only said I am, and nothing else. Christ had not spoken those words through his mouth as we would speak. I heard what he was telling me. As if Christ had known that I had doubted his very existence since my granddaughter had died years ago. He knew I wasn't a believer and he was there to show me he existed. I saw him one other occasion. He manifested himself in the same way, and exited the room when he was finished in the same way. We had a conversation, although regretfully it was not for me to be allowed to remember what we discussed.

Later I found myself in an empty parking lot in the snow. It was very dark and there were several parked cars in the snow. I was watching myself from above looking down at myself as I brushed the snow away from each window looking into the cars. Finally I found a car with someone inside and I had a brief conversation with them. I could not hear what I was saying to the occupants of the car as I was watching myself from above.

A security guard then arrived in a golf cart and asked me if I needed any help. I could hear him. I then realized that I shouldn't be out in this dark parking lot alone. All of a sudden I began to feel frightened. It was dark and snowing heavily although I wasn't cold, I realized it was dangerous for me to be out alone in the dark parking lot. I returned to my body in ICU.

My fever broke. I started to become more conscious. Then I became more and more aware of my surroundings, More and more aware of my pain and the seriousness of my condition.

My nurse had come in and freed my restrained hands. She warned me not to pull my ventilator out of my lungs. I finally understood that the tubing was my lifeline. I cooperated with my nurse. When my room mate arrived and found my hand unrestrained she panicked, then quickly realized I was not going to reach for my tubing. I seemed to be coming out of a two-week stupor.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 01:13 pm:

I was four years old and at a park with some friends and my sister. I fell into a stream. I remember seeing the continuation of the nearby bridge under the water and trying to kick my leg out to reach the bank.

The next thing I know is that I am on the bottom of the stream but instead of there being mud or sand I am in a beautiful garden. I remember being surprised at this. I see a female figure dressed in a long white robe. We are standing near a flower covered arch. Everything is very peaceful. The woman tells me that I am not allowed to go through the arch because if I did I would not be able to return.

The next thing I know is that I am on the bank with someone pressing on my back, there is water coming out of my mouth.

My sister later took me home and only told my parents that I had fallen in the water, I think we got into trouble. It was not until a couple of weeks later that I was out shopping with my mother and the woman who got me out of the stream came over (apparently she went to the same church as us) and asked how I was. She told my mother that she thought I was a 'goner' and had given me CPR. I am not aware of how serious my condition was.

I realize that my experience is not as profound as most of the accounts I have read and unfortunately I do not remember what happened immediately afterwards, in fact I have very few memories of my childhood. I have only told a few people about this and have looked at the IANDS web site many times thinking about recounting my experience but thinking it wasn't a 'good enough' account. However, now that I have written it down I feel very good about having done so.

Many years later, in adulthood, I was watching a film in which a man was struggling in the water, when he finally sank below the surface. I experienced this wonderful feeling of peace, a feeling of letting go and it was marvelous. I felt like I knew this, like a memory.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 01:07 pm:

I don't know how to really describe my experience.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer Sept. 26, 2002 and, two weeks later we took her to emergency room because she was having trouble breathing. The last week of her life she spent in ICU where she had to be resuscitated on Nov. 1.

My family decided to sign a DNR form. That Fri. night things started to happen and I could feel the presence of several people in the room. It scared me so bad that I spent the rest of the night standing up against the wall.

Early that morning her oxygen level dropped to almost nothing and we were sure she was gone but, a short time later she sort of came around.

It was at that time that she began telling me and my 17 yr old daughter that she had died. As she began telling us about the light, and the people she had seen I could actually see those people (there were 4, all relatives, but one of them was my dad who had died in 1986 and him and my mother were divorced at the time). I could smell the flowers that they were standing in and it looked like they were almost glowing. I have never felt that feeling and don't know quite how to describe it. I could feel them.

She was very aware throughout that day of the experience and knew somehow that I had felt it too. She amazingly was able to talk and sit up in bed all day Sun. By Monday a.m. doctors moved her to a regular room and made her comfortable, she fell asleep that afternoon and never woke up again. She died Wed. evening.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 01:02 pm:

Through a car accident, I suffered fractures which included a fractured skull and was unconscious for two months.

Within the latter period I had the impression of a long passage. The sides were that of a cave hewn out of rock. At the end was an intense light. However on the right of the round glowing aperture was a boy. He was dressed in a brown tunic. The material was very scuffy and loose. His face was long, pale and sickly. His nose was slightly contorted. When I floated towards him, he put up his right hand. The condition of his hand was very noticeable, his fingers were knotted and appeared arthritic. He then said with a soft voice, 'not yet'. However, I very much wanted to go further into the aperture where the light was 'pulling' me.

Due to his instructions I reversed backwards, not frontward, and felt myself entering back into my body. I then felt myself gaining consciousness seeing watery lightness in the hospital ward.

It took a further few weeks until I was fully aware of my surroundings.

Since then I have many 'out of body' experiences such as Astral Projection.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 12:57 pm:

Before I can explain the circumstances of the event, it may be helpful to give you a brief summary of my personal circumstances. My mother was involved in a "hit and run" incident in Dec 2001 and died from the injuries in April 2002 after being in a coma throughout the duration.

I am a serving Fire Officer and was on duty at the time of the incident. I was laying on my bed at the Fire Station trying to get some sleep but was unsuccessful, but was relaxed. I could feel my body starting to float and struggled initially and managed to look at the time- 0420 on a digital clock.

After my initial struggle I decided to go with it and ended up about a foot away from the ceiling level. To prove to myself I was not dreaming I looked at a light fitting on the ceiling and saw it at a different angle, I was almost level with it.

Next, there was some light coming from the ceiling and two arms held me in a state of suspension. The arms were very warm and held me by my elbows as I held the arms to form a link. It is at this stage when the arms started to pull me through to the light I thought it could of been my mother. I also felt very guilty for thinking it could be my mother, I don’t know why but probably in some way I felt it may have been dis-respectful to her memory. Up until this point I felt relaxed and had no fear.

Next, the body of the person holding me started to appear, I did not see a face but the body appeared to be wearing a sky blue and white top,. almost like a sports top. This is when I was convinced is was not my mother and demanded the being to release me as I did not want to go where it was taking me. Almost immediately the arms turned very cold and let me go. I floated back down on to the bed. At no stage did I see my body on the bed as I was looking upwards throughout the incident. I was so aware of my surroundings during the incident. i.e. looking at the time, the light fitting and even realized my colleague was in the next room and did my best not to disturb him.

That morning I relayed my experience to the rest of the crew who probably think there commander has now gone mad. I am 100% certain this was not a dream, but there could be a scientific explanation. My heart may have stopped for a short while which could of influenced my thought patterns. Who knows?

Probably not the most exciting account you have ever read but one which is very accurate and truthful. The incident happened on the 02/02/03. Should you have any explanations I would be interested to hear them. Also would you have a contact number or web address for Dr Fennick Southampton hospital England who are also studying such cases.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 12:49 pm:

I "woke up" during the final phase of the operation to hear the anesthetist telling the group of surgeons/nurses that "we are losing her". I then heard another voice reply "we need another 20 minutes".

I saw it all in a flash..the whole scenario, but cannot recall from which dimension. I can vividly recall being frightened & then calmed almost in the same second as I found myself "floating" down a tunnel towards the bright light. I was so driven to get to the end of the tunnel, I almost overlooked the people who were also there. I suddenly realized that someone had turned his/her head around to hold my hand & help me towards the light. There were lots of people ahead of me in the "queue", and I was anxious to get to the head of it. I did not recognize anyone in the queue.

All at once, I was at the head & saw a magnificent” persona" . I was full of wonder as though I fully understood the "secret of Life". I was telling myself, remember to tell them all. The persona smiled & almost laughed teasingly at me. I was spun around by "him" before I could turn around & hold the hand of whoever was behind me. I knew that if I did turn around, I would be dead in the sense that we know it. The voice told me that I had nearly made it, but that I wouldn't remember the "knowledge" & that it wasn't my time.

As it transpired, due to my needing an emergency operation, there had been no time to ask me about any other illness/conditions. I was/am asthmatic & I reacted badly to the anesthetic. I even recall one person in the theatre asking for a helicopter to get me to another hospital.

I recall coming to & telling nurses that I was awake during the op. They told me I was silly.

Any anyway....2 days later & on the mend, the consultant came to my bedside with his troupe of interns. He asked me how I felt & told me that he's found my op tricky because my appendix had been inverted. I asked him "why are YOU asking me, it was that lady behind you that operated on me; it would be nice if she asked me? He just looked surprised but said nothing.

I had been asleep when taken into the theatre, such was the emergency.

As final proof for myself that I wasn't going crazy, I saw a man walking along the hall as I was leaving the hospital 10 days later. I stopped him and said "Hello; I recognize your eyes; you were my anesthetist"

I have been confused ever since as to whether I simply woke up too soon ( due to lack of anesthetic) or was nearly dead. I have had further experiences but would rather not submit them now.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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