New Zealand girl learns from epilepsy near-deaths

When I was 13, I was living in a world of torment after being diagnosed with epilepsy since I was 11 and having up to 6 tonic-clonic seizures every day. On top of that, our family had recently fallen apart with mum and dad’s divorce and our family moving around a lot because of such. 

It was a Saturday afternoon in Taupo, New Zealand. Our family were splashing around having a swim at the Taupo BC Public pools.  I remember talking to a friend in the pool, then my epilepsy auras quickly took over and I had a tonic-clonic seizure immediately. I had no time to get myself out.  As normal during seizures, my memory was blacked out.  But I do recall physically changing from a physical state of extreme panic and anxiety, gasping for life while drowning – to an immediate trance of being pain-free, detached from the pain that I was experiencing. 

It felt like a physical and spiritual transition where I was approximately 20 feet above everyone in spirit.  There were approximately 20 people that were crowded watching the life saver resuscitate me while I was on the concrete ground out of the pool. I spiritually felt relief while I was looking down and definitely felt like continuing my journey into the spiritual world. But I felt a force and presence of another spirit urging me to go back to earth, my time was not yet up. I was briefly wrestling with that spirit as I didn’t want to return back to my body. But I was forced back and all I could recall was coughing up water after my spirit reunited with my body. 

Having experienced a seizure as well as drowning, my memory was not extremely vivid but I do recall how much pain I was in, especially short breath and panic breathing. Then vividly being taken away in an ambulance.  My recovery was a mix of ongoing seizures while I was in hospital until I was back at home recovering with my mother around. 

From that experience, I developed an extreme phobia for beaches, pools, and baths.  It was a daily battle even having showers for a while.  I was banned from swimming sports at high school and also cross country sports – which was totally fine with myself.  To this day, whilst I have become very sensitive to all my feelings, I accept that.   

My 2nd NDE was when I was 17 during the Christmas holiday period in 1995, I was doing volunteer work at Kiwi Ranch Youth Camp grounds in Rotorua New Zealand.  Approximately 100 of us were attending the fun Luge adventure park rides in Rotorua.  At that time, my epilepsy seizures were controlled with medications so I was taking the risk of doing different activities that I used to be restricted from doing.  I recall doing a flying fox with all my safety mechanisms in place. There were approximately 10 different rides from one stop to another – like zig-zag rides. 

Even after the first ride, I struggled to make it to the end, as the ride kept slowing down each time.  By the time it came to my 3rd ride down, I was barely reaching the end of the ride to jump off and there was no ground underneath me.  I started to extremely panic as I had no energy to hold onto the ride for so long.  I had to struggle to wriggle myself down to where I could safely stand with ground underneath me – approximately 10 metres away from me.  But I wasn’t moving and felt like I was struggling to hold on, so much that I had to let go and started suffocating while dangling from the flying fox safety belt.  I was losing consciousness fast while I was severely panicking about dying from suffocation.  I was coming in and out of consciousness, but vividly recall a teenage boy jumping onto the side of a cliff close by to me and reaching out to me with a long stick. I barely had any energy at all. But what I did have, I held onto that stick fast and was pulled down where he loosened my safety belt and I floated in and out of consciousness.  Any seconds later, hanging on the flying fox, I would have died.  He was my teenage hero and was only 17!  I was lifted to the First Aid room and then to the hospital where I recovered from that experience.

My 3rd NDE was when I was 19 in 1997. I was doing my late night studies for university when a sudden severe pain came upon me from my left abdomen area and I was raced to Waikato Hospital, New Zealand.  According to a female, it was as painful as giving birth to a baby.  The world was in commotion with the severity of my pains.  I was screaming tears of agony.  While I was in a hospital lift on a hospital bed with an emergency bed, I recall a quick blackout happened as pain got so severe. 

All I recall the next day is slowly opening my eyes on a life machine and doctors shining a light into my eyes.  I couldn’t hear anything they were saying at first. I can’t recall which day later they told me this, but I was informed that I died from having a ruptured appendix burst which triggered off a seizure during that experience. They had to rush me to the emergency room to do CPR to recover me, then on a life machine once they tracked my heart beat again.  I can’t even remember which doctor told me those words as my memory was very vague and I don’t recall any memory of the spirit life experience.  I stayed in hospital for 7 days before returning home and sleeping mostly, while taking pain relievers. It was a slow journey upwards, but I vividly still remember that experience, especially the pain.

I have come to learn from these experiences that there’s a purpose as to why I’m still alive.  A few decades later I am a solo mother with one child, having studied 3 college degrees, and running my own 2 businesses.  These experiences taught me a lot about having empathy and having a passion to pay it forward and share my lived experiences with other people. 

I won’t deny that suicidal ideation has crossed my mind a lot having experienced these traumas.  But I also look at these experiences as big learning experiences.  I am not afraid of dying again. These experiences have given me a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging, a sense of love. In NZ Māori, we have common quotes, whakatauki, and one of my favourite quotes is:  He aha te mea nui o te ao?  He tangata, he tangata, he tangata – What is the most important thing in this world?  The people, the people, the people. 

Teen wishes for death, but is shown who she really is

The Awakening

My life truly started with a Divine Encounter that shifted my world view when I was 16 years old. At this point in my life I was fighting for my life as my body was being attacked by an “incurable” autoimmune disease called Lupus.  Within four months of the diagnosis, my kidneys were failing, heart problems, hair loss, arthritis throughout my entire body, internal swelling of my organs, unsightly skin lesions and loads of medication made me lose grasp of who I even was. I had withered away to skin and bones and when I looked at myself in the mirror, I didn't even recognize the person staring back at me. 

Then I had a dream that would change my life forever. I remember this night as vividly today as I did then. 

On this particular night, I decided to give up on life. I did not want to live anymore. All I wanted was for someone to put me out of my misery. I felt hopeless. I felt angry. I was tired of the endless trips to the doctor, plates of toxic medication, the painful shots in my rear for anemia, the nausea from the chemo and the depressing sight of my hair falling out in clumps and looping sense of hopelessness.  I was so weak that I couldn’t even walk and my entire body was swollen with fluid due to failing kidneys - a trip to the hospital was imminent to begin kidney dialysis. 

I felt like I was trapped in a deteriorating body that wasn’t mine. And the future I had planned with my full ride soccer scholarship was now just a faded memory.

On this particular night, I did something I hadn’t done in years. I got down on my knees and surrendered everything I had left to this unknown God force that I was supposed to be available to me at all times. This was my breaking point. I began uncontrollably sobbing, releasing what seemed like emotions that had been held back my whole life, then I asked out loud…

“If there is anyone listening, if there is a God, please help me or take me. I don’t want to live like this anymore and I can’t do this alone, I need help. If you are there please help me. I give up.” 

I cried until I was dry and then went to bed.

That night I had a dream that would change my life forever. In this dream I went through many phases of healing, including forgiveness, love, gratitude and surrender, before eventually spinning off the ground and levitating slowly into the sky. There was a crowd of friends, family, and people I barely even knew all trying desperately to pull me back to the ground. As I floated up, I had a sense of peace wash throughout my entire body. I knew that I was dying but I was okay with it, I felt like I was returning home and that a huge weight had been lifted.

I asked for everyone to let me go. I wasn’t afraid of dying anymore. I then shot up into the most pure, white, loving, light that held me in a cocoon of radiant love and bliss that I will never be able to explain with words. In that moment, I knew who I/we are beyond this physical experience. I felt the eternalness of my nature. The perfection of source. The perfection of all life. Every experience that had led me to that point flashed through my inner sight like a movie that beautifully illustrated how every experience had perfectly led me to this moment. 

I experienced the perfection of my sickness, of my physical experience, the perfection of everything in my life that had led me to that moment, I felt a deep connection with ALL, with consciousness itself and this feeling of oneness was so Divinely beautiful that I couldn't feel anything but the truth of my divine essence. I had been gifted with a remembrance of my true nature, and this was the gift i had needed to heal. My soul then asked to return to Earth, without words - there was a deep yearning to share this love I had experienced with the world.

In an instant I dropped from this glowing, loving place back into my bed. I hit the bed like I had fallen out of another dimension and woke up gasping for air like I was taking the first breath of my new life. I was crying tears of bliss, and was so overwhelmingly happy that I couldn't contain myself. I knew I was healed. I knew I wasn't sick any more, I knew I never was sick. It had all been an illusion. 

I jumped up and ran up a flight of stairs that a couple hours prior, I couldn't have imagined doing, to go wake up my parents and tell them the good news. I turned on the lights and announced I was healed and they had nothing to worry about. They thought I was crazy but that didn't matter to me. Nothing could take away this internal knowingness of my true nature and this knowingness has stayed rooted deep with me my whole life.

For the next 4 months I awoke with the sun, no alarm, with a deep desire to sit in silence with myself to enjoy the love that was outpouring from my heart. I was so joyous that I almost couldn't contain it. Something inside me had shifted and it felt amazing. All feelings of lack, doubt, pity, limitation, weakness and struggle were wiped clean. I felt the interconnectedness of everything around me. I knew I was a part of everything I saw and could feel the energetic connection that tied everything together. Every day was full of tears of bliss.

Although my complete recovery from the disease took a little over 4 months, the healing had occurred instantaneously in my mind. And from that moment on I started hiding all my medication, because I knew it was preventing my body from healing itself. For 4 months I kept this a secret from my parents and doctors until I went in for my final lab work that revealed my kidneys were healed and functioning perfectly without any scarring. There was no sign of the lupus.  I have now been symptom free and medication free for 15 years.

The Fade

I thought this beam of light coming from my heart was never going to go away. For months, I effortlessly flowed through life and witnessed profound healing. 

It was when I returned to high school that this light within me began to fade. I had no words to explain what I had experienced, and I felt nobody understood. I now see that I had to lower my vibration to fit in. I slowly began to shut down and revert inward. Within a month of being back at school the en”light”ened feeling that I had was greatly dimmed. My mind used this time of weakness to convince me that this experience was nothing extraordinary after all.

In college and the years following, I used drinking to numb this feeling of separation. What I thought was bringing me happiness externally was actually creating a bigger gap internally. The drinking and socializing became a filler. On the outside looking in, my life seemed great. I had a high paying job at a company I loved, penthouse apartment, nice car and beautiful friends and experiences. This lens of reality was beautiful while it lasted but deep down, I felt that something was missing.

On November 7th, 2016 I had a heart attack. This experience triggered another moment of clarity that changed the trajectory of my life yet again. Everything that I experienced in my dream flashed back into my vision and I knew instantly that I had to make a big change and follow the calling in my heart. I felt there was something much bigger I was here to offer the world and it was time to figure out what that was.

I decided to make a shift and move across the world to a small island in Thailand known for its holistic health community that I felt called to explore. I was guided to return back to this place of oneness that I had experienced in my dream. It would be from this place of love and light within that I would be able to heal my heart and begin to share this radiant nature with others to assist in their own self-healing and remembrance.

Returning to Flow and Alignment

I have now been living on Koh Phangan for the past year, on a multi-dimensional self-healing journey. At first, I set out to heal my physical heart from the heart attack but the journey has resulted in much deeper healing. I peeled back the layers, belief systems and social constructs that previously shaped my reality and now focus on tuning into the co-creative, loving, infinite energy source that lies within to support me in creating and living an inspired life.

It is my soul’s mission to help humanity rise above all perceived limitations and tap into the infinite wellspring of energy that lies within, to live an inspired, happy, healthy and harmonious life. 

If you are reading this, your soul has guided you here. Your intuition is whispering to you, and now it is time to listen. Nothing is impossible. There is something profound ready to flow out of you. I am here to help inspire you, give you goosebumps and shine a light on the limitless possibilities that surround you and are within you.

Through my own personal healing and self-discovery journey, I discovered the breath to be a potent medicine, that is a transformational tool for gently cleansing and realigning our mind, body and spirit. The breath is with us every minute of our lives as a silent witness to our existence, but it is also an intuitive guide that can take you on an inner journey of self-discovery, transformation and profound healing. 

Since my very first powerful introduction to breathwork I have been repeatedly astounded by the transformative mental, emotional, physical and spiritual healing that continues to transpire. 

The best part of breathwork is that it is SIMPLE. You can stop looking outside of yourself for the answers. Everything you seek is waiting to be tuned in within and the breath is a simple tool that can activate this inner remembrance of our divine nature.

What I Do Now

After selling everything I owned and making the leap into the unknown, I have been on a journey of coming back to myself to witness and cherish the eternal “I AM” within, beyond all the constructs I had previously built up that defined me. I am continually amazed as I learn more about the profound nature of our mind, body and spirit. I want to share all that I have learned with the world. In the past year this is what has transpired:

• I co-founded Bhavana Bottle - an eco-friendly, tea infuser bottle that is part of a global initiative to save our oceans from plastic waste. The bottles are being sold globally.  We donate a portion from every sale to help clean and restore our oceans from the damage caused by single-use plastic.
• I am passionate about teaching meditation and breathwork sessions at consciousness festivals, retreat centers, online and privately.
• I love teaching SOMA breathwork at healing centers, workshops, online, at festivals and one-on-one sessions.

Favorite Quote: 

At the center of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want. - Lao Tzu

Begged to return to care for his babies

I was run over by a 5 ton truck the first day on the job. I died waiting on help to arrive in a policeman's lap as he tried saving me.

I died but remained above my body looking down…feeling sad as I was drawn toward the light above me. I felt 3 feet from my body and just as close to the light. The light spoke to me, telling me in a human voice it was time. I believe I was returned because I had only thought of my children ,I pleaded please my babies, I need to raise my babies, I had a 2yr old and a 3-4 yr old, The light spoke, “if you return you won't like it.” Please I pleaded again. On my 3rd plea for my babies, I was returned with the words, “you won't like it,” “So be it.” I was back in my body, screaming in pain. I watched them working on my body, shocking my heart. The 3rd shock, I returned.

I withdrew from family, felt worthless, had a need to feel the feeling that I felt while dead. As time passed I lost love toward my wife, a fight she held onto for another 16 yrs until our kids were raised. We are divorced.

I no longer fear death. When I was dead, I felt the greatest peace. At 55, I know it won't be long now until I return.