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The Light Within

My father had died a few months before. We had a many issues between us, and it was very difficult to let him go. I refused to leave his side while he was dying, as if to make up for all the things that happened while he was alive.After his death I experienced grief. Wow, I never knew it would feel like that! I forgot how to do my job or relate to other people. I had a hard time acting and feeling normal, but I managed to get by.

One night I feel asleep while reading (the light was still on). I experienced- this is hard to explain- a bright pink moving light in my chest. This light was so beautiful and so wonderful I cannot even describe it. It moved around through me and in me; it was me for a while. When it was with me I knew that it had always been with me, but I had not been able to recognize it. I knew the most powerful feeling of peace and love, of unconditional acceptance. I knew that I was loved by this light/god in the same way that I loved my children. I "knew' other things, spiritual facts and truths, through the light, though nothing was explained to me. I did not want to let it go! It moved in me for a long time- maybe 20 minutes? And I chose to stay with it; it was a choice. I have always been afraid of dying, and especially leaving my children behind. But I had the thought that if dying was going with this light and this feeling, I would be OK with it.

Eventually, I became aware that I was lying on my bed "asleep," and that I had to make a choice. I had to "wake up" and turn off the lamp. I did not want to ever leave the light. Eventually, though I did wake up and the light faded away. I laid back down and went to sleep, replaying the memory of the light in my mind. I could still feel it, though not in the same way. It was wonderful and comforting, but I was beginning to forget some of the things that I "knew" when the light was inside of my chest. What I did not forget, and cannot forget, is the feeling that I had. I felt totally and unconditionally loved and at peace and happy, perhaps for the first time that I can remember.

Since having this experience, I am more sensitive to spiritual things in a physical way. For example, a friend was preparing to "drum" me- she walks around a person beating a drum which reverberates in the body. She had done this one time before and it was a wonderful experience. However, the second time (after my experience)I began to shake when she picked up the drum (before she began to drum), and when she came near me I swooned and almost fell down!

In general I have more physical reactions to people and places. I have also had a lot of strange and very real dreams. I have had some experiences of contact with my dad, mostly in dreams. In one dream, my family and I were sitting around a table playing UNO (this is a family tradition). My dad, who had already died, was also playing. In the dream I was looking around at everyone, and I looked at my dad and I suddenly realized that he was at the table and playing, but he was dead! I stated this in surprise to everyone else, something like “look, Dad is here.” He looked up at me (the first time he had made eye contact), and shot backwards from the table in his chair, and shouted with joy and surprise “You can see me!!!” The dream ended and I woke up, but it felt very real.

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