NDE Accounts

Archive through May 12, 2004

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:48 pm:

I was admitted to hospital for an elective surgery procedure, to have my wisdom teeth removed. The surgery was to be performed under a general anesthetic. I was not aware of any adverse incidents until I awoke in recovery. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was wrong. I couldn't breathe properly and felt extremely distressed. There was medical staff running around and they were trying to secure an oxygen mask over my face and there were monitors everywhere.

Apparently just after the anesthetic was administered, I spasmed and regurgitated gastric juices. This caused me to choke and stop breathing. My heart then went into ventricular defibrillation. They had to clear the airway, intubate and defibrillate to bring me back from the brink.

I didn't really feel anything different until about two weeks after my experience.

How has this changed me. I have started to exercise and go the gym. I have lost so much weight from the exercise its great. I have become more narcissitic. I have developed a taste for dangerous pursuits, eg, speeding on the highway, whereas I was always a conservative driver. I have started to seek physical validation from the fairer sex more often. My sex drive is so strong now it’s embarrassing. My fear factor of things known and unknown has decreased. Death does not scare me anymore.

I have started to express my thoughts and emotions more freely and vocally; this has caused angst amongst my family and friends and work colleagues. I have stopped anti-depressant medication I was on for ten years, I am sick of being sedated. My thinking is clearer and my intuition has become stronger. My career goals have become clearer, and I have become more brutal in the work place instead of just accepting things the way they are. I am no longer afraid to speak my mind, and I now welcome stressful situations. I look forward to confrontation, whereas before I was always one to avoid stress and confrontation. I have become harder of heart and will not allow myself to get close to people again. I will not allow myself to be used or hurt by anyone again.

I am starting to like myself, for the first time in my life. This has been a mixed experience and I am so grateful for it. It has opened my eyes and changed me forever.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:47 pm:

After the event, I passed out on the river bank and saw people looking down at me with no one doing anything. An ambulance had been called and I watched it take the long way to get to me. Watched as they transferred me another ambulance. Woke up later in the hospital and the nurse said, "Oh you’re awake. “Let me hook you up and I'll go get the doctor.”

While she was inserting butterfly in my wrist, I noticed the time was 11:18. She put the oxygen tube on me and during the course of the conversation; she told me that it was Tuesday - not Sunday. I then realized that I still had on my wet/muddy pants and socks on that I had worn in the canoe race, and asked her why I still had these on. She said, "We were going to let the morgue take them off.”

I don't know where I was at the time, but where I went was very different. I couldn't see myself nor were there any colors or direction -- no up, down, front, back. The only thing I observed was a lite [light?] where I knew every thing else was, and that I was no-where for eternity. I saw nothing else but knew it was there someplace.

My interpretation is that being alone for eternity was my "hell," if it does exist.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:45 pm:

I went into the hospital because I could not keep any food down for over a month. When I was admitted in critical condition, I was given Compazine to calm my stomach down. Five seconds later, I was given another dose. I knew something was very wrong because my chest felt as if I had bricks on it and the pain was intense. I buzzed for the nurse and no one came to see what was wrong. I died 3 times that day because of the error. When I died the first time, I went into a white tunnel and god was waiting there for me. I wanted to stay. The second time, I saw my mom's dad that died when she was 12. On the third time, my dead grandmother and my dead aunt, both on my mom's side, told me to go back. God has given you a second try, go back. It is now 2004 and God has given me a 2nd try.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 12, 2004 - 12:44 pm:

I'm a normal person and sometimes I do not wish to talk about my experiences because I'm afraid that people might think I'm crazy. But I'm very much disturbed because my experiences are recurring. I experience NDE several times. I don’t know if it’s NDE, its like a nightmare. Its in my dreams.

There are two types of NDE that I experience: one is I'm awake and one is I'm sleeping.

EXPERIENCE 1. I was riding in a bus because I’m going to my home province when I suddenly feel terribly nervous. My heart was beating fast and I can hear my heartbeats. I'm very much disturb and I cried. I feel like something is going to happen and I'm gonna die. I look at the people inside the bus and they were all comfortable. I can feel that I'm the only who's gonna die. I've been riding a bus for all my life but that was the first time I felt that. And so while crying I prayed a lot. And as the bus goes near to my province, I've become more worried and afraid of dying. And then finally when the bus entered into my province, something really happened that I cannot forget. Someone from outside the bus throw a rock/stone in the bus and it hits the glass window where I was sitted. Good thing I was able to accidentally save myself by adjusting the back rest of the chair where I was sitted. And that simultaneously happened. I decided to take a rest by resting my back and adjusting the back rest of the chair where I was sitted and as soon as I have rested my back I saw the stone from the broken glass window pass by in front of my face. If I did not rest my back on the back rest and adjust it the stone could have hit my head and the pieces of the broken glass window could have hit my neck, head and face.

Eperience 2. Same thing on the experience 1: I suddenly felt terribly nervous without any reason. I was just inside a canteen and eating the same meal that I eat everyday. It's just an ordinary day when I felt that something is gonna happen again. I don’t know what it is but I’m really nervous. I decided to stand up and finish my meal prematurely. And as soon as I have stand and take three steps the big lamp or light inside that canteen fell exactly where I was sitted. Thanks God I'm able to save my self again accidentaly.

Eperience 3. This happens just now. I'm in my bed and was sleep. I was awakened (not sure if I'm really awakened) by the noise in front of me, I saw a big bird, as big as a rooster, continuesly moving his wings. As he move his wings I can’t breath. I tried to shout but I lost my voice. I don’t know if I'm having a nightmare or its real, because I know that I'm already awake, but the image of the big bird flying in front of me while I was lying in my bed was still there. I'm awake but I could not even opened my eyes. I cannot move my body. Finally I was able to move my fingers and then every part of my body. But I feel like my body doesn’t feel anything. Still catching my breath, I stand up and drink water. It took almost half an hour before my breath has stabilized.

I know its not so extra ordinary to have experience nightmares if its nightmare. All I know is that when I experienced it, I’m going to die because I can’t breath. My problem is that it always happen, I'm experiencing these things at least once or twice every month. And I'm really afraid that when it happens again I will not survive.

The first and second experiences also happens to me very often the only difference are the situations.

It's really disturbing. I know I'm near death.

If you know something that I can do prevent these things from happening again please tell me. The first and second experiences, I consider them gift. Gift of feeling or sensing the danger before it actually arrives. But EXPERIENCE 3 is very disturbing.

These are just few of lots of strange things happening to me and I don’t like it.

Anyway thanks for taking time reading this. I hope to hear from you guys if there is anything I can do to prevent it from happening again or if you know someone who experience the same thing please inform me.

Thanks Again and more power to your org.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 07:59 pm:

I was attacked and stabbed 40-60 times and knew I would die but would also live if they got me to a hospital in time. I flat-lined, but cannot remember anything when I first arrived at the hospital. I then later flat-lined whilst in surgery in the intensive care dept. I think it was, it was then that I felt myself floating towards the ceiling. The horrendous pain I had been in was gone and it’s hard to describe but I felt surrounded/infused with this powerful "LOVE." It must be how a baby must feel whilst growing in its mother’s womb. I don't know how else to describe it. I felt safe. I remember looking down and seeing my body lying there with the doctors/nurses working on me, I could hear them saying she's not responding. One of the doctors told a nurse to stand clear. I remember looking at what they were wearing on their feet, and watching what they were doing and saying. It was then that I suddenly knew I had to go back, that there is a reason for me being alive today something I have yet to do. I then heard the doctor say stand clear we will try one last time - they had been trying to resuscitate me with those electric pad things. It was then that I felt a painfully sharp pain in my chest. It felt like I had been "sucked" back into my body, and I mean literally sucked.

Apparently I was moved to the high dependency unit of intensive care where they say only one in ten go out alive. I was in a coma, but came out of it within 3 days. Although the doctors expected me to be in hospital for months, it was in fact only 3-4 weeks. Even though both my lungs had been stabbed 3-4 times each and had collapsed, both my kidneys had been lacerated several times, also my kidney, bowels and two main arteries had been severed, plus all the other stab wounds and the fact that I had lost so much blood that I should not have survived. To this day, the doctors, specialists, surgeons all say it was a miracle and that I should be dead. I recovered quickly and was walking out of the hospital within four weeks. Although I have been left with scars and no feeling in most parts of my body, left asthmatic and prone to infections, I know now I'm here for a purpose. I even know when things are going to happen, sometimes both good and bad like a women’s intuition but highly intensified. But that’s another thing that I could tell you about for ages. I'm still coming to terms with it as it sometimes creeps both myself and others out. Yet I know this has something to do with my N. D. E.

Thank you for letting me tell someone this. Most people either don't want to hear about it 'cause it freaks them, or they look at me like I'm crazy. But no matter what, no-one will ever change my mind about what I experienced.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 07:58 pm:

As I was being attended in the ER, I was suddenly in a room that appeared to be a well-appointed office paneled in dark, rich wood. On my left-front, there were a series of shelves containing many small figurines that appeared to be made of pewter. It seems that some were of horsemen, knights and the like.

The focus of the experience, however, was on a well dressed professional looking man standing before me and apparently communicating with me. (Although I don't believe that there was any verbal communication, there was perfect understanding.) The person wore a white shirt and neck tie, and appeared as some one who had just removed his suit coat. The entire scene had the impression of informality, but yet being very important. This person seemed to be using a blackboard and white chalk as an aid to his delivery. The most apt way that I have found to convey my overall impression is to liken it to an orientation session for some corporation/ business.

I remember distinctly trying, during the experience, to put it into proper context. I told myself that I was "dreaming" but, as if arguing with myself, saying, "No, this is entirely too real to be a dream.” Also while the experience was unfolding all the details were vividly clear. Then suddenly I seemed to be removed from that "office-instructional" situation and I was floating on my back, feet first through a dark void. At once, the experience was past and the vivid details became very indistinct and remain so today. The overall impressions, however, remain with me and positively so.

There was no fear associated with this void, in fact I was unnaturally calm. Delightfully at peace. (endorphins?)

During the 'void-journey' phase the medical staff must have been resuscitating me, because it all ended abruptly by someone rudely kicking me in the backside. I was suddenly back in the ER and very unhappy about being handled so roughly.

Upon waking I was relieved of the pain and from then on there was a perfect recovery. I have made no assumption regarding religion or paranormal, however, I believe that my NDE was the paramount event in my life. Partially as a result of it, I have an altered belief of life(s) and death - which I now feel is a transition rather than a termination.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 07:56 pm:

Out of body. Looking down on self. Coming out of like a dark cave. Been carried at fast speed, standing up, by someone holding my back, through a dark valley, then I was stopped at the still waters. When I was satisfied of all I had seen there, I was taken further, then stood in front of the door of heaven. My life, what seemed to have been 20 min. long, my life went in like fast forward video mode behind me. The bright orange glow of heaven shone through the edge of the door. The door seemed about 12 ft. high. Then mad that church does not teach us what to do when we die and come to the door. Had extreme happiness engulf my soul. I could move my head to look around. Was given the choice to go through the door, or come back as soon as I had decided I wanted to be back with the children. I had a massive thump back into my body.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 07:55 pm:

I was on my way home from work. It was a very hot day. I had never had low blood sugar before, so this was something new for me and my family. I got off the bus and was walking up the steps to my house I thought I never made it in the house. To this day I thought I was outside because it was bright, warm, and the sun was shining, and I could hear a female voice leaning over me and calling my name and asking me if I was alright. When I would look up I would see a profile of a face, but the face was different colors, bright colors. Today I just asked my sister if I was outside, and she told me I had came inside and my father noticed I wasn't myself and called the ambulance. All this time I thought I was outside because it was real to me.

To continue, when I woke up I was in the intensive care emergency room. A nurse had just walked in and asked me how was I doing and if I wanted some orange juice. I told her fine and yes I would. I remember laying there and closing my eyes. The next thing I remember is sort of floating over this beautiful landscape of green, green grass and the most beautiful flowers I have ever seen in my life. I feeling around me was the most loving feeling and the sun was shining soooo bright, but it was not hot, it was warm, just right and I could see in the distance, a tree, a large tree, and I remember I had to go toward it.

As I was floating towards the tree I could hear a voice say “you can't go now.” I stopped and looked around, but I don't remember seeing anyone, but I felt someone. I remember saying, but not speaking, “I don't want to leave.” I could hear the voice in my head saying “not now, your children need you, look up.” I looked up and I could see my two children and my husband reaching over a mountain trying to grab my hand. I seem like I was at the bottom of this steep cliff. The voice told me to go but don't let the hands touch me. At that moment I began to raise up the side of the cliff. I then notice hands started to reach out of the cliff. Just as I was almost at the top, I could see my family reaching for me, and all of a sudden I felt as though I was pushed up and over, and I woke up.

At the moment I woke up, the nurse was walking back in my room with my juice. At first I didn't realize what had happen, and I couldn't believe what had just happen. But I know it had happened, I believed what happened. I felt it. After this, I wasn't afraid of death. I didn't tell anyone what had happened to me; I was afraid no one would believe me. It wasn't until I heard a little girl on a talk show talking about her near death experience and what she saw. I told myself if this child could see similar details of what I saw, then I was not alone. I then told my father what had happened to me that day. [He] then told me my mother, who had past when I was twelve years old, had seen a green grass and flowers, and he said she had told him about the same feelings, the warmth, the brightness, the love. He said she had told him this before she died.

This is not the only time I have had a near death experience. I had another one in the year 1998. I had another hypoglycemic experience. This time I was with my fiancée at his house. He told me we were sleeping. He turned over and put his arm over me and I was cold. He woke up and said I was not breathing right. He said he got me up and starting walking with me and calling my name. He said all of sudden I stopped breathing, and he kept yelling for me to breath but I wouldn't. He said after a while I just all of a sudden took a deep breath and started to breath. After that he called the ambulance. Doing all of this, I remember laying on the bed, and all of a sudden I was in this very bright place full of warmth and love. I was not alone. I could feel someone on both sides of me, and we were approaching this person with two other persons on each side of person. I felt as though this person was both male and female. As I got closer I could see white. Each person on the sides were of very importance to the person in the middle, and there was love. The person in the middle had on a bright white robe, and I remember seeing gold ropes hanging from the waist of this person, but I could never see a face. As I approached and stood in front of this person I felt incredible love. I did not want to leave, but I could hear this person say “breathe.” Just as this was said to me, I took a deep breath and woke up. After this experience, I have been less stressful about the future. I just live one day at a time. I've become more spiritual and more open, as with my daughters too. After this, anytime I've gotten sick, I know that I am not alone. That some kind of way, someone will know that I am sick. Sometimes my daughter will hear someone or be awaken by someone, or my fiancée will get the urge to call me at the moment I am sick and will be able to call my daughter or the ambulance to help me. Sometimes my oldest daughter, who doesn't live here, calls and says she had a feeling I was sick, or she dreamed about me getting sick. So I know I'm never alone. I know I have angels and my mother watching over me.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, April 30, 2004 - 07:54 pm:

I was working as an electrician on a large project in Mass. While working inside a new piece of switchgear, the generator company came to test their equipment. Without notifying anyone, they cut the tag off the circuit breaker and turned on the power. I received 480 volts hand-to-hand and flew backward. The next thing I know is I’m floating above my body, looking at everyone coming to see if I'm okay. The feeling was of endless body and carefree, loving and worry free. Then, I felt something "push" me back down, and I remember a bright light then waking up face down on the floor. They helped me up until the ambulance arrived. My heart rate was messed up and my right shoulder had melted out of the socket. At the hospital, the doctors looked at me and told me I should not be there telling them the story.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 06:53 pm:

I was working as an electrician on a large project in Mass. While working inside a new piece of switchgear, the generator company came to test their equipment. Without notifying anyone, they cut the tag off the circuit breaker and turned on the power. I received 480 volts hand-to-hand and flew backward. The next thing I know is I’m floating above my body, looking at everyone coming to see if I'm okay. The feeling was of endless body and carefree, loving and worry free. Then, I felt something "push" me back down, and I remember a bright light then waking up face down on the floor. They helped me up until the ambulance arrived. My heart rate was messed up and my right shoulder had melted out of the socket. At the hospital, the doctors looked at me and told me I should not be there telling them the story.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 06:27 pm:

I had pneumonia. I died in my sleep on three occasions. I remember being in a dead sleep, and then waking sudden, and inhaling breath like if I hadn't taken a breath in 1-2 minutes. It was the most frightening experience. It felt like a hand had reached in my soul and pulled me out of a dark tunnel. I remember the tunnel was dark. I can elaborate more but I prefer to talk about it instead of writing it.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 20, 2004 - 06:22 pm:

During my college years, I had a habit of taking a short Sunday afternoon nap. My dorm room was on the second floor of the building; my bed next to an outside wall. A window in the dorm room was just above my bed.

This particular "event" went like this; and to this day I remember the details as if they were yesterday, not thirty plus years ago. While "Jim" was asleep on the bed ("I" could see him there), "I" arose (floated?) up and over him. ”I" (drifted?) through the second story wall and out over the dorm’s driveway that was adjacent to the building. From that midair position, "I" could still view "Jim" through the wall in bed napping. ”I" remember turning myself to view the campus from this unique perspective, as I had never been in midair in this location before. (And never since.)

Everything I saw on the campus was from this midair location, between the second floor dorm wall and the adjacent trees. The spatial relationships were not distorted, exaggerated, or fuzzy; it appeared real as real could be. But the most vivid part of this "out of body" experience was not what "I" visualized. The thing that most impressed my then and still impresses me is what I felt. I mean emotionally felt while I was (floating?). When "I" was leaving "Jim", "I" had this feeling of joy of being liberated from my physical body. I absolutely did not want to go back to that sleeping form in the bed. ”I" was perfectly happy where I was going through walls and drifting outside. There was no unhappiness, unease, etc. I (Jim) awoke immediately in bed; drenched in sweat. (And I mean drenched.)

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 12:02 pm:

Can our subconscious/spirit interact with the spiritual or is this in reality our imagination going haywire? Please consider my experiences.

I have personally experienced my spirit leaving my body and being united with the "ultimate supreme spirit" (God?). In 1956, when I was fifteen years old, I had pneumonia and thought I was dying. My father took me to a doctor who gave me a penicillin injection and recommended immediate hospitalization. We had no medical insurance or money, so my father took me home to recuperate. I remember the drive home vividly. Every breath was painful and my chest felt as though a great weight was upon it.

I watched cars and trucks drive by, and wondered how people could make long term plans when life was so unpredictable. Several nights later, it felt as if my spirit left my body and it experienced being in a place with a gathering of souls or spirits. I sensed great peace, tranquility and ecstasy -- a rapture that was beyond a person's imagination. I felt as if I was a part of ALL, a part of God. I was mentally communicating and in sync with everyone, including not only some of my deceased acquaintances and relatives, but many of the prophets of the bible, and historical people I had read about. There was no dominant force, no forceful leader. I somehow knew who everyone was. Every thought interacted with the whole community. I had no questions; it seemed as if everything was revealed and crystal clear. I saw the universe stretched out with spirits engaged in mental interaction like master craftsmen contemplating the creation of a new frontier.

When I told my father who was a preacher of the Lutheran Faith about my experience he dismissed it abruptly and told me that this "supreme spirit, " this God that my spirit had witnessed, was not the God of the bible and he told me to pray for my salvation. We never talked about it afterwards.

Since that time I never really gave it much thought until the New York World Trade Center tragedy on 9-11-01. I went into deep meditation. I wanted to find an answer to why and how some misguided individuals could believe that their actions would be rewarded with their soul's eternal life with God. I then had a couple of experiences similar to the one I had at age fifteen of my spirit communicating with the "ultimate spirit.” (God, Allah or whatever one desires to call him/her/it)

One spiritual experience seemed to last throughout the entire night. My spirit observed the entire history and the evolution of the universe and our varying perceptions of God, as if in a fast-forward film.

The messenger is of no significance. It is the message that needs to be taken into account and judged for its merits. The experiences I encountered after the 9-11 tragedy helped me come to this conclusion: In this 21st Century, the Age of Technology, we are still plagued by religious beliefs that are a contributing cause toward terrorism, killings and wars between nations. Belief in a deity, who keeps causing catastrophes, punishes people, and created the universe out of nothingness as if by magic was brought about by hysteria and superstitions. This thought process needs to be reassessed and brought up to date. Open-minded people must use common sense to determine whether this so-called deity was incorrectly perceived, misinterpreted and misunderstood by the masses of a bygone era.

Some will say that my personal experience of oneness with a supreme spirit is nothing but a dream or a vivid imagination. It doesn't matter whether you accept or totally reject my story. What does matter is that we evolve to a point whereby we can encourage open-minded people to offer feedback on how our religious beliefs can be brought into the 21st century.

My concept is that God is a spiritual unity, a oneness, a structured government-like "Spiritual Collective"; the "Progressive and Accumulative Spiritual Intelligence" of the universe existing in the spiritual fourth dimension; a collective of the righteous souls who have passed into the spiritual realm; a spiritual continuity.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:54 am:

BACKGROUND: I was the Director Of Cardiology Services at a Hospital. I was in charge of seven Departments and trying to open a new Cardiac Cath Lab at the time. My wife had delivered our third child prematurely. He was on a respirator alarm at home. I was working long hours, not getting enough sleep nor eating properly.

EVENTS: [One morning], I woke up, recalling a dream I had. I was in a early morning meeting with my Asst. Director. During the meeting I walked over to my black bookshelf and collapsed and died. I shook it off and I decided I did not want to go to work feeling exhausted; however, one of my Departments was going to be short personnel, so I went in to work. I arrived at the hospital at 6:30 am, Got two cups of coffee and went to my office. I went to my departments and started up all of the equipment, as I usually do. I returned to my office. I needed to see my Asst. Director, at 7:05am I got up from my desk walked in front of my black shelving unit and collapsed against my office door closing it as I fell. A housekeeper, that cleaned our area every night, heard me hit the floor moaning. She was not suppose to be at work that day. My office was located at the far end of a long hallway with nothing but testing rooms. She tried to push the door open, but could not due to me laying against the door. She ran to my reception area and told my technicians, Dave was in trouble. The technicians came to my office and pushed open the door finding me laying on the floor, blue and unconscious. They began CPR and called a Code Blue. My Cardiac Cath Lab team came running as did the Emergency Crew. They defibrillated me 17 times during the code, continuously doing CPR. Nothing was working. One doc was ready to call it quits when another (who was not suppose to be at the Hospital that morning but decided to stop in the ER) said, “let's open his chest.” The first doc said that opening my chest in a non-sterile area is dangerous. I will always remember what the other told him, "YOU CAN"T KILL A DEAD MAN". He called down to the Operating Room for a Chest Surgeon and an OR Tray. A chest Surgeon came to my office; he did not want to open my chest either. The doc told him, “either you do it or I will.” They brushed off my desk, placed me on my desk, draped my chest with a sterile cloth and opened my chest cavity. The doc stuck his two fingers into my chest cavity and squeezed the heart twice and the heart started beating. That was at 8:00 am. I was gone for 55 minutes. They placed me on a gurney, and he rode on top with his hands in my chest as they took me to the Operating Room. When I awoke in ICU, I was very agitated and a Dr. told me to calm down "You’re living on borrowed time." I was hooked up to all kinds of IVs, Catheters, Heart Pump, Respirator, and they kept me knocked out ‘til Saturday. One of my Departments was EEG. When they ordered the test to be done, none of my staff would do it, they were afraid they would find I was brain dead. The head of the Dept. did the test, finding everything normal. He later told me that was the hardest thing he had ever had to do. We had worked together for over 15 years. Those 55 minutes of death changed my life forever.

EXPERIENCE: I found myself floating about 4 feet off the floor, horizontally. I saw the outline of my body, no features just the outline. From the waist down it was a deep black but from the waist up there was this unbelievable BRIGHT LIGHT, 100 times brighter then the sun but I couldn't stop looking at it. I felt as if I was being held in someone’s arms very close to their chest. I was questioning myself, "AM I DEAD" and before I could finish the thought the answer came from the person holding me, "NO, You're fine." Then I thought "Am I going to be ok?" Again the voice, "You are fine, don't worry." The feeling of laying in these arms was overwhelming: the serenity, the quietness, no worries, no responsibilities, safety, and unbelievable LOVE. It is very hard to explain, but I could not see this being but I felt him, It was like being enveloped with him, as one. There are no words to describe it. Suddenly I began floating back to my body on the floor, heading towards the light in the top part of my body. But I wasn't going back into the body put thru it into this Glorious Light. As I was floating towards the body of light, I saw movement within the light but I couldn't distinguish what it was. Then I began hearing my name being called, it was very annoying, like a bee buzzing around your face. “Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave.” Suddenly I was being thrust upward thru this tunnel, so fast; the sound of my name getting louder and louder. That's when I woke up and saw the ICU Nurse looking down at me. Suddenly all the responsibilities, worries, problems, pain came tumbling down on me like a 100 ton weight. I got very upset, I saw all the machines, wires, tubes, hooked up to my body and I knew what each one was for, they were keeping me alive with machines. That's when I started pulling tubes and anything I could get my hands on to disconnect me from their machines. I felt they CHEATED ME, LET ME GO BACK. I did not want to be in that ICU bed alive, I wanted to go back. That's when they gave me the morphine to keep me out.

When I could write later the next day, I asked the nurse if they were keeping alive with the machines? She said "NO." After getting stabilized, they transferred me to another hospital and did a numerous amount of tests, finding nothing wrong, I was in perfect health. I did not tell anyone of the experience for at least 6 months, thinking they would think I was nuts. I was admitted to the Hospital for cardiomyitis. The doc came to my room, sat down, said nothing, and began watching TV with me. After awhile, he looked at me and asked, "Dave did you experience anything when you were out during the arrest?" I was sort of caught off guard, and looked at him, He said "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." He told me about his experience when he had a heart attack and what he saw. He was the first person I told my story to.

AFTERMATH: I began telling everyone I knew about my NDE. I was on the Oprah Winfrey Show in (Near Death Experiences). I was on Television News Program. I was on two radio shows, Newspapers and Articles. I wrote to Universities to get more information on NDE's. I felt I was the only one and all alone. Who would understand? Who would believe me, other then those that have had one. I read books wanting to learn everything I could.

Before the NDE we had everything, new home, two cars, all the perks of life. My wife was an RN working at the same hospital. I went back to the Hospital for awhile, then left never to return to Medicine again. My priorities had changed. Nothing meant the same anymore. Life was meaningless, all the money, cars, big homes, titles were irrelevant. Within four years I was divorced, had nothing and was living with my parents. I went into major depression. Left my parents, slept in my car, thoughts of suicide. I couldn't understand why I had that experience and then sent back to this world and end up with nothing. From riches to rags. I ended up in a Christian Shelter, began working as a Christian Counselor. I was still trying to understand why me? A client came to my office wanting hear the story about my NDE. I figured maybe it would help him. He was a drug addict at 24 years of age, a really nice person. I told him my story. Afterwards I told him I did not understand what I was suppose to do with my life. I had seen Doctors, Counselors, Clergy, but no one gave me any answers. This 24 year old kid tells me "Dave, maybe this is it: helping others that have nothing." Suddenly a light went on. YES, That's it. I experienced the good times before the NDE and bad times afterwards. I could not help anyone if I have not walked in their shoes. Jesus gave me a chance to help others, but first I had to experience what they went thru and felt. I felt relieved. Now, everything made sense. The next morning that 24 year old was found dead in his bed. He had died from Congestive Heart Failure during the night. To this day I thank HIM for helping me.

MY BELIEFS AFTER THE NDE: I believe that person that was holding me during the NDE was Jesus. I believe that death is not the end, but only the beginning of something more Glorious then we can ever imagine. I do not believe in organized religion. I believe in Spirituality, the belief of Jesus, as it is written, not as it is interpreted by others. I have studied Spiritual Warfare and it is very real. I believe Jesus suffered for us and we need to forgive ourselves of sins because he already has paid the sacrifice for us. I believe we are all children of God. Today I am very happily married and living in Ontario.

PHYSICALLY: I have had two major surgeries on my neck due to the 17 electrical shocks during the arrest. My head kept hitting the floor during the defibrillations. I do have strange things happen electrically, street lights going off as I drive under them, light bulbs glaring brightly in a living room for no reason, my bodies temperature can raise remarkably with biofeedback.

CONCLUSION: I would be very happy to discuss my experience with anyone who is looking for answers. After my NDE I felt very alone. It changed my Life for the better. IT GAVE ME ONE.

PS: I am not sure if I should have mentioned the Doctors names, but they deserve all the credit.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:39 am:

After several years, I just realized this was similar to a NDE, I always saw it as just a “vision” before, because I was healthy at the time.

It was about 1:00 am and I was up feeding my 5 month old baby. It was dark in his room, but the kitchen light was on and the light spilled into his room. I was sitting on the bottom bunk bed (my older son slept on the top and the baby in a crib), leaning against the wall, and bottle-feeding my baby. I want to comment that I always felt an overwhelming sense of love and communion when holding my babies, more profound when breast-feeding, as I'm sure any mother does.

I was sitting there holding him, when suddenly I was shooting through space, or rather my consciousness was, because I was no longer in that room or even aware of it. It was dark, like outer space, and lights were streaming past me. I was racing toward some point in the distance. (Kind of like that star field screensaver, only it happened a couple years before I ever saw that.) At the same, I became ACUTELY aware of the IMMEASURABLE VASTNESS; I KNEW what ETERNITY was. I can't explain the feeling, even after all this time, it still takes my breath away. I never saw other beings, but I felt I wasn't alone. After a few seconds, I was back, still feeding my baby. After the experience, for some reason, still unknown to me, the number 200,000 stuck in my head, as well as the name Deepak Chopra. I had not heard of him at the time, but of course, now I'm familiar with him. I also completely lost my fear of death, which had plagued me all my life. Another interesting thing I can't explain is my sudden interest in physics. I checked out all the books at the library, bought books like Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Time, etc. The need to learn, it was insatiable. I would get into debates with people about Einstein and different theories on the Universe. I knew this was related to my “vision”, but couldn't figure out why.

In the few years after that, I became very involved in things like meditation. I checked out all the books on it from the library, I joined a meditation group, etc. I became involved in spiritual healing and different spiritual-type things. I gained a passion for the paranormal and people's differing beliefs and have tried to form my own theory on the nature of God and the universe. Like I said before, my interest became insatiable.

In fact, I never really attributed any of this to my experience before, but I have just started reading Full Circle by Barbara Harris and Lionel C. Bascom, and a couple of the experiences in it (namely Tom Sawyer's), just came out and slapped me. I'm still as affected and fascinated as ever, and even more curious as to what happened to me. How can a healthy person spontaneously have a NDE?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:28 am:

I was living in a really small Farming Town, "VERY" happy with My Domestic Partner. I went to My (O. B. G. Y. N. ) (MD). He found a Tumor on My Left Ovary, He then sent me to a Specialist (he said she was!). She was not a good Doctor! I was operated on Within Two Weeks time. I had Ovarian Cancer. When this Doctor went in my Body she took "EVERYTHING" Female. Everything that make Us "Females"! The Pathology report said she (Meaning the specialist) did Unnecessary Surgical removal of incredible Right Ovary, Cervix, Uterus. What was to be 1-1/2 hrs of Surgery became 13-1/2 hrs of repair work by a Oncology Team, as well as Urology Team. She sliced my Bladder in "Three" places.

While I was out, I was brought to a Field I played in when I was a child. The first person I saw (?), Was my Sister in-Law, Who by the way, was also My Lifetime Best Friend. Rita was her name. I had felt really bad for not attending her Memorial. She had asked me "NOT' to see her sick; she knew she was very sick. She said “it’s going to be OK, Beth!” She was lonely for her Husband (My Brother). Our last time together on Earth, She said she was all ALONE when everyone left to go to their Own Homes & Lives (HER CHILDREN & GRANDCHILDREN). Death didn’t scare her Anymore; she was tired. We watched her favorite TV show. We spoke of our childhoods, how she married her BEST FRIEND’S BROTHER! When she was diagnosed with 2-3 months to live (Aug., she died in Sept of Cancer). I was going through a "Very" bad Divorce, standing to loose EVERYTHING if I left the State for the Funeral, or Anywhere for that matter. When I went to the OTHER-SIDE, there she was in 'HUMAN' form. I didn’t Question it then. My Brother was with her, but in the Background, he Waved to Me. Rita said "Thank You" for Keeping My Promise. WE had a good time, didn’t we! It’s My Children’s problem, Their choice to be Angry at you for not Attending. (This was the first NDE that day.)

(Second NDE:-) I went to a place with a man called MOHAMMAD. He Talked & Walked with me. I heard everything through thoughts(?) I questioned if it was Drugs or the Anesthesia affects. When I was in my room (after recovery), My Sister was in the room. The Urology Team, A doctor, was at the foot of My Bed (I thought it was a MD.) His name was Mohammad? My Sister said there wasn’t a doctor by that name in the room. I’ll never forget his Beauty: His eyes, they were Crystal Blue. The Peace he gave me was awesome! He said “you are going to be fine! You have work to do.” I was told, while he was teaching me, that life is about choices given to us by GOD! We also have Free-Will, temptations of Demons cast upon the earth long ago? The Battle hasn’t Happened YET! Its going on now! When Lucifer is cast to Earth, people will believe it is the second Coming of Jesus! Very few will know it’s the Evil One? We are judged on the good we do, as well as the not so good! I was shown that we choose IF we go through the light. Our deeds here, 'Right NOW! If we caused harm, if we lived greedy, if we didn’t share the wealth (pay it forward), We would forever see it on a movie screen, over & over again, until you learned WHY? You were like this on Earth? Whatever we do to others, we will have to face on the Other-Side. I was told it’s not GOD’S fault for Humanity’s Hate-for One Another, Our Anger, War. When we use killing as a Human means to Judge. Those persons responsible for the Deaths will be accountable. I was told we only have Ten Laws of the Land We have to live by? Moses were given these Laws long ago; [did] People forget their meanings? When a man makes 100.00 he should not pay 150.00 for rent. Mohammad told me I had to "Pay it Forward"; I do. I will give my last dollar to someone else. When the IRS gets to the Other-Side, they will all be judged accordingly to their Greed? When the Pope speaks of being God-like, he is taking the Lord name in vain. What has he done for his children during the Molestation Cases? He speaks of Abortion: it’s against God’s law. What about facing his Flock about what the church is doing to the men that have caused so much pain? He sent them along to another Parish to Re-offend. I was given a task? I have to feed the people of the south Smokey mts. Appalachia - the children that are in Our Country (USA) that are STARVING!

I would like to speak with someone that will write what I have learned down? It vital and necessary! Thank you!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:24 am:

My experience is bit different than other NDE's. I was not physically dying, thinking about committing suicide, on drugs or anything, but I had the following experience:

I was resting in bed with my eyes closed. My mind wanders, and at some point, I started to see images of streaming light filaments in front of me. I felt I was traveling very fast in darkness (almost like a tunnel). Then I abruptly came to an opening. There in front of me was a huge white glow. It was massive in size, as I could only observe its size from a very far distance. At the very moment I experienced the Light, I knew what it was. It was pure, non-judgmental and loving. I felt blissful and so lovely accepted. Tremendous knowledge was given to me, yet it was not the sort of knowledge you gain from reading books. Maybe, it is call Enlightenment or meeting with God, I don't know. I was so amazed.

From that, I somehow drifted out of the experience and became very conscious of what had just happened. Note, I do not feel I was asleep during the experience; I was simply in another state of mind. You will see when I tell you what happened next. Anyway, I got up from the bed so elated that I immediately called my best friend. I told him the story, but he did not understand. I calmed down a bit and went back to my bedroom to rest again. I closed my eyes, and at some point I thought, "What is beyond the Light?” I was not asleep or dreaming, but I started to see the streaming filaments of light again. I ascended towards this massive Light. I tried to perceive what was beyond the Light, but the answer came to me at that moment. There was no limit or boundaries. Love is infinite. I was quite unprepared for this answer, I think.

I drifted out of the experience again. This time I remember feeling so humbled and grateful to be given this gift. I was not wanting more, as I was very content. I did know at that time (and I don't know why), that I would have other experiences in the future. This turned out to be true. From time to time, I do experience a presence from that first encounter. And still today, I feel I they will occur again when the time is right. I can explain in more detail in another letter.

From the experiences, I was never the same again. I realize that we are part of that Light. We are capable of many wonderful things if we just follow our hearts, learn to give unconditionally, and except the human weakness in us. It's so unfortunate and sad that our society is so driven by money, power and selfishness. I wish . .. .

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:14 am:

The Sting

My brother and I took a trip out of state to fix my sister’s roof. my mom was already there. It took about four hours to get there. As soon as we did, we just jumped up on the roof and started working. Well we stripped the roof and uncovered a wasp nest. Of course, 20 minutes later I turned my back on the nest and one flew into my shirt and stung me on the back. it was no big deal. I was stung plenty of times before by bees. So I just asked my nephew to tell grandma to get a potatoe to take out the stinger.

A few minutes later I felt the sharp pains again. And I was like come on Randy (my bro), you got to get the stinger out, So he opened my shirt and said “wholly cow its a wasp and he is still on you pumping you up.” So he got it off me, but still I was like no big deal, lets keep working. The pain will go away you know: the tough guy routine. Well in another two minutes, I was feeling funny and hot and tired. I sat down just as my mom came out. she said I better come down. well I finally made it in to the house and fell on the couch. I felt my heart pounding so hard and hurt so bad. I was scared and I knew I was going to die. It was a heart attack if I ever felt one. things started to slip away, I couldn’t open my mouth; I was all locked up. I could open my chest to breath. I saw the fear in my mom’s eyes and my sister as she walked in the room,

I felt as if I could only talk with my eyes. As I thought, “please just get me the phone. I need to tell my wife and daughters good bye. Please, that is all there is time for. I know it. please get ‘em on the phone, now.” My sister went in the kitchen as I concentrated on her the most. I heard her call the ambulance instead. at that second. I gave in, it was too late. she didn’t call, and I was not going to get to say good bye to my love. It was really a sad moment as I felt myself slipping away.

Next thing, I am somewhere in this lighted place. There was this most supreme feeling about in front of me, and it wasn’t just singular, there was a few. I could sense it, like my head was bowed down. I couldn’t quite see, but as the focus came in there. they were three of them, three lights in the forms of circles, one bigger in the middle, and two smaller on the sides. I felt great pressure, as if I were on a trial or something. I was still me though, no body, nothing of me. but it was me with all the mind of me. At that moment, I knew I was what they called dead to the world, but not to the light. Then it was like my focus moved to the light on the left side. I was able to hear her talking to me. Yes, that one spoke to me and said “everything is alright now. you have done a great job of telling them about Jesus.” it was alright now that I may stay, and come in, as if she was signaling me with her right hand to go that way into the light now. but a super rush of conscience came into me. all of a sudden I had a panic feeling with in my soul. I became abrupt with the light. I was scared, and felt like I had to plead my case. this is the following of what I spoke to the light: “no I can’t. , I can’t not now. I got to go back. I got to go back now. I got to back now, because if I don’t go back, I don’t think that there is anybody else down there that loves everybody enough to want to save them all like I do, and I mean all of them.” I almost didn’t know where this came from but it was in me. that would be the last moment in the light.

i then felt myself falling down, as I came back just above my body. I could see the room and my body, not clearly though because there was an unusual amount of paramedics over my body, like something bad was really happening down there with me. but I couldn’t feel anything. then I looked and seen my sister standing behind the paramedics just screaming and crying. I could see her eyes, and her face was red, and the tears were streaming from her eyes. they were like red eyes at that point. then to her left, was her daughter, just looking like “what is going on.” She was afraid only because she was seeing everyone else losing it. The “I” entered my body, like I fell down into it at the same time as like sitting up inside myself, up in my head. Then I could feel the life coursing back into my body, every vein, every cell. It burned, my whole body just burned and it hurt. I was feeling again. Yet just before, I had absolutely no pain. Then slowly I could hear the room and everybody was screaming for me to “Come back. Come on, just take a breath.” I couldn’t; my lungs were collapsed. I couldn’t open them up. I had no strength to do so. I felt slipping away again. Then I tried again. I can hear them now again, “Just one more breath. come on.” Ok, I will. They got this mask on me, and it is blowing air into me, but it is not enough. I need more; “won’t some please take this off my face and just blow up my lungs? just once, please, I need help.” this is what was going on in my head, I tried to take it away and talk, and everyone in the room was just like shouting for joy. but I still need help, don’t celebrate yet. I can’t breath. then it hit me. I got my wind. and now I am a little embarrassed and asked to go to the bathroom. they said don’t worry, we got to take you in. well, when I came back, I had wet my self and defecated, too. I didn’t know when that happened, but it must of happened when I was out. Then they tried to move me to the bed from the gurney and all of a sudden I just leaped on to it myself. All the people just jumped back as if they seen a ghost. I was like “what’s a matter man?” I am alive. I was so pumped up to be alive. They were like “you got a lot of strength for having an anaphylactic shock and being dead just a few moments ago.” I was confused a bit, and then silent remembering what just happened. I fell asleep. when I woke up in the hospital, my sister was there, kind of massaging my head and staring at me, rubbing a tattoo on the side of my head. The first thing she said (because she never seen this tattoo before), “What does this mean?” It is of a cross with the words (mi jaman god) inside of it. I got it because I always believed so hard in Jesus. All I could do was start crying, because that was all about, what just happened and where I came back from, life after death, for real, forever.

And now my search for some missing pieces and I am finding them all. All the things about the bible has been my insatiable urge. There is something else there in all the words, between the lines, as if I can now figure out what prophets were talking about, other than the obvious. I heard of a bible code. I read those books. They brief it, but they are so far away from the right interpretations, the places, the people, the concepts they were trying to pass. It starts in the beginning and they all continue it through out. Only the priests of today are misinterpreting it for the power over the people. They themselves are blind guides, now leading the people wrong. But I can't be mad at them. I know and found out and can understand the why's, why it all happened this way. Better yet, well the best yet is I know… this whole thing happened so I would be led to it.

What was being hid by the sons of light, you get it now. They all knew how it was going to turn out. They knew how the people were going to turn the scriptures around for their own sick pleasures of control - locking up the gate to heaven -- and they themselves won’t enter. They knew more than the ones with greed. They knew these things would surface in the future, so they buried them in the words until a time came when one could figure them out. Why is this happening to me, I ask. Why I am figuring them out, on this quest to go back to god, like my nde. I felt I was the only one who loved them all enough to want to save them all. Let’s just say my first trip to Isreal, they said I was crazy, and would get in to the temple because of the al fatah. But he said I was going. I did. I had the faith (how could I not). Everyone here tried to talk me out of it or scare me away from it. They thought I was crazy. When I got to Isreal, I told them; they thought I was crazy.

It is a whole other story, but on the last of a fourteen day trip, on the last hours, the spirit entered the guards at the gate. I was permitted to enter after two days of being refused, denied and made fun of by the Isreali army and the Palestinian army. Abu was my guide, and he couldn’t believe I did it either, and he was right there by my side. I got a picture walking out of the temple on the peak of Mount Mariah, by this boy out of nowhere. The last non-Muslim to walk in the temple mount was Ariel Sharon until the moment I entered. It was nothing short of a miracle from God. And my life just keeps getting deeper into the mind now. The scriptures are still leading me everyday to the answers of what I am to do. It is as if the book was written in a way for me, to jog my memory to remember where I put something. And now I remember where it is and how to get to it. But I am waiting for the time to be told to me, the right time. I know the season; I know the day. I know why it is like now I am being prepped with knowledge of the lord for that day. I can’t tell you everything though, and I am sorry for that. But it will be soon. Of course, if you believe, you will have nothing to worry about. It is all about the love… a love I have for everyone. I can feel so many peoples pain. I feel groups of pain. it is like I feel the compassion for them all: they have all been led astray kind of compassion. I hurt inside so much when I see others pain. It drives me to find the cure. the crying, the abuse towards the daughters of the world, how they mislead them into being they way they are. It is scary how far we've gone away from his path. We have taken it all for granted all of us. But the only way to do it, to fix it, is for all of us to do it together. It won’t happen any other way,

We all have the pieces to the puzzle so to say. Every piece we kill, we lose and fall a little more, until we pick them back up. The children, they are the princes to the throne. All of us are the children; all of us are the children of the light, and no one is going to be left behind. You know how I know this? I feel it. I am it. I have compassion right down to the last murderer, thief, psycho, freak, crippled, lost soul. Thus like the Lord has spoke to me, “If you believe in me, not one of my sheep will be lost. it is my shepherds now who are lost, and they need the love brought back into the light.”

There is so much that burns bright inside my head. I don’t want to distract from your study of the light experience, but I could go one for days without even getting tired of trying to explain to someone how to believe it is all true. But then I know what it is that will set it all off. All I can say now is, if anyone at all reads this, I hope it is understandable. My thoughts fly like my compassion, with a fire under my almost like desperation, but its not. It's patience that needs practice. I really do love you, whoever reads this. it is all true. I have nothing to lie about. I only have everything to share with you. I know though, one day I will prove what I have found. Because I guess it is the only way to make the world see that the Bible is not just any old story about being good. It was written by those too who have seen the light. Read it again and then you people who have seen the light, remember how you had a hard time using words to describe the sight you seen. Now read again: the callings of the Moses, Abraham, Jacob, the prophets, Isaiah, Jesus, Mohamed, and you see for yourself how they describe their callings from the light. Maybe it was just for me because they all had a description of a threesome of something, allll oofff themmm, one bigger in the middle with two on the sides. You see, I never picked up on it until it happened to me. But I cried so hard as I read every one of them again for the umpteenth time, the apostles too!

Come on, wake up. Moses describes it as a burning bush and all the Isrealites seen it. it was their calling, and it is yours, too – ours, too. We need to fix the garden. It has everything we need. It has enough love for all, if we would only share it all. The writings of John (a hidden buried reading from John, that the churches would think it was part of their scriptures): he describes himself crying so hard at the moment they were killing Jesus. As John was sitting in the garden of Gethsemene, he had a vision of light. Within the light, he seen three forms within the light. As they spoke to him. (This would put the spiritual resurrection only moments after the death of Jesus, not three days, not the dogma stuff. This is that why it was buried and not accepted as part of the cannon of the church.) I never knew any of this writing taking place until I got to Isreal on that trip. It was as if I was being led to that information, just like I was led here to this site to share the whole thing, my knowledge, my love. Sometimes I think I believe in Jesus more than anyone, because the picture I am uncovering is much more beautiful and full of love than I could ever have imagined. You can absolutely say, I now read more by the light than by the darkness of power gluttons. I see clearly now. And I know as soon as try to put these things out, they will try to take me out again. it is bad news for all those in their lost world of money power. That is why Jesus said it would be harder for one who is rich to get into heaven. That is why the apostles were told to give what he gave without price because you had received it with out price.

Ok, I’m sorry I keep going, but only for now,

As now, I write and tell everyone, “Until later, my friend," because I no longer believe in goodbyes either. It seems so morbid, because I know now there is no death. I will see you later, with all my love forever!

I am even crying now just as I cried with every story of the other NDEr's. I only hope if you have done the same, you have felt the same warmth in mine and cried out of happiness and renewed confidence in life, in love and in God. It is like my shield has been rebuilt and the fear is no way going to take these things away!!!!!!!!!

You know when you break down the light, you see it then becomes the vibration of beautiful music waves of light. Isn’t that what scientists took so long to figure out, it is all vibes (vibrations) OK OK OK. till later :-)

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:04 am:

It happened on a slick road. After leaving a high school musical with my mom, I slid off the road and hit a tree. I was in a coma for 12 days and "out of it" for a month or so. I was in hospitals for two months, with people visiting daily. I was told after I got out that word got out about my wreck, and people all over the U.S., as well as a day in Australia, were praying continuously for me. I did not see any light or dead relatives, but my experience was life-changing non-the-less. After I "woke up" broken relationships began to heal. Both sides realized that we don't have all the time in the world to make things right.

I also have seen first hand the power of God. I have to be careful saying this, because I know that God does not heal all sickness. This is one reason I stopped believing years ago when a close friend's mom died of cancer, despite all of the praying we were doing. Because of this, I am now learning that god can not be "put in a box," or to do all the time what is expected. I am learning to be able to accept that God is doing something that will eventually work out for good, no matter how it looks from my eyes. Knowing this does not take all of my (now humorously small) problems away. They are still here. The faith I have now reminds me that, “In all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose” (Romans 8:28 NIV).

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:03 am:

I indicated that my NDE was accidental. I was at a party and was drugged. I remember sitting on the steps of the house, thinking I was dying and how embarrassed I was. I wanted to go hide in the bushes, but could not move. I had a fleeting thought that everyone was dying and felt sort of relieved. Finally I realized that it was just me, and relaxed to the fact that I had no control. The last memory was of a friend saying, "Are you okay"? Then I fell over into a flower garden.

The first images are really tough to describe. In my mind, I saw reality dissolve into nothingness. I was seeing the neighborhood, houses, cars, road, trees, disappearing. I was told/shown that life was a school and that we were all students. I remember having the feeling of, oh yeah, how could I have forgotten, of course, it all made so much sense.

I remember recognizing that everything I was doing, my job, my relationships, my projects, were all so petty and useless, and that I should be doing more with my life. I knew that I should be doing something more with my life.

The next thing I recall was being in this transparent tunnel of light. Transparent like a bubble. It was maybe 6 to 10 feet across. I remember seeing that movie, “Contact” with Jodie Foster, after the incident, and saying, that's it! It is the closest thing I have ever seen to describe it. You could see planets and the tunnel or tube had slow curves.

The disturbing part of this experience was the lack of control. I had no idea were the hell I was going and did not like the feeling. I felt like a piece of a puzzle that was being moved somewhere with intentional purpose. I was not worried for my safety or anything, I just did not like the feeling of restraint. I had no choice in the matter. I was moving somewhere fast and it was not my decision.

I realized that I had no body and no eyes, but I could still see. How interesting. So my discomfort at not being in control was mixed with awe at what I was seeing. On a side note, you might consider doing a study to see if NDE's are a result of accidental deaths. Although I'm not sure if there really is such a thing as an accident anymore.

When I finally awoke and was able to speak, three hours later, I said, "I just died.” I have a lot of atheist friends who insisted I just had a bad trip, but I was not convinced. What convinced me that my experience was real was a phone call from my mother who lives in HI. She said she had had been worried about me and was calling to see if I was okay. I said of course. She then told me that she had had a dream about being at my funeral, and was so disturbed that she woke up and said to her husband, "Dannie just died.” She asked me what I was doing on the night of...” My heart raced as I walked around the kitchen with the phone to my ear searching for a calendar. It was the same day and we calculated the time exactly. She had a dream about my death at the same instant that I was having my NDE!

Since my NDE I have jumped right back to the daily grinds of life. It's pretty hard not to, what with it in your face every day. It's a great illusion, almost a dream, except the illusion is real. :-)

Although the realization that this world we live in is a school has had no impact on my concerns for the environment, and I am still outspoken and very passionate about social issues. I guess I do feel a bit more aware of the things around me and not so focused on myself. I certainly have lost all fear of death. And although I am not for certain I will see my relatives as others have, I know without doubt that this is not an end. Not sure if it's the beginning, but it most certainly is not the end.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 11:01 am:

I had four brain operations; they were trying to find a tumor. This was before the CAT Scans, etc., were available in the UK. They used probes etc. Finally they found it and removed it. I lost all sensations: could not talk, walk, do anything for a long time. I spent about 10 days in the intense care section, during which I had stigmata (bleeding palms, line of thorn marks across forehead, etc.). I was then moved to main neuro ward. After about a week on this ward, I had an arrest.

I was in a strange sort of funnel. Looking down it narrowed to a point, where there was bright lights, etc. Looking up it went wider and wider to a clear sky, slightly cloudy. I was just standing there, in mid-air, sort of hovering, about in the middle. When I looked up again, there was a large rectangular shape falling towards me. Even now, I always think of it as a huge block of green fairy soap, slowly turning as it fell, tumbling over and over. I suddenly realized by the time it got to me, it would be filling the tunnel, and I'd only be able to go downwards towards the light. I knew somehow that the light was OK, but also that there was more adventure if I went the other way (upwards). I felt myself slowly rising, keeping to the side. And as the huge block passed almost touching me... (Don’t recall anything else.)

Notes; I have heard voices sometimes. Following my recovery in 1974, I went to this very hospital to work, and stayed 10 years. Finally I got a great promotion and this I accepted. And as I left the office, this voice said, "This is not for you." Instinctively I swore at the voice, and told the person where to go in no uncertain terms, for hadn’t I worked hard for this promotion. Within a few weeks, I collapsed. A 2nd tumor diagnosed. I was pushed into early retirement, being told that I probably had only around 2 years to live (1984). So, why am I here now in 2004? I often feel I am being punished for swearing at God or whoever. The last time I attempted to get signed off as "well" and get a job, I had a mysterious sudden heart attack (1998), which put paid to that! And shortly after the voice said, "You will wait", so I wait (with great frustration).

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 10:59 am:

I was 15 years old and my best girl friend, Sandy and I were talking on the phone. I had wanted to go for a drive in the country. We lived in Maine and the land was so beautiful. One of my favorite things was to just go for a long ride in a car. I was learning to drive at the time and it was just great to be in a car. She suggested that her boyfriend, Jerry, could take me out for a ride. He called and said he would meet me and we could go for a long ride in the country. I was so excited! He picked me up and we started on the ride. It started snowing quite heavily, but the snowflakes were so big and beautiful, I was very excited. As we were driving through the twisting and turning roads, up and down hills, it was beautiful. Then Jerry turned onto a side road, that was very narrow and fully tree lined. I told him I wanted to go home and he told me that this is a very beautiful place, for me to just wait and see. Being young and naive, I sat and waited for this beautiful place. He pulled into a dead end and then he offered me some beer. I did not want any. He kept insisting in a nice way, and I had a sip. Then he moved close to me and put his arm around me. I told him not to touch me, that he was Sandy's boyfriend, and I am not interested, and told him to take me home right now. I gave him back his beer and insisted that we leave. He grabbed me and tried to kiss me and I pushed him away. He grabbed my shirt and pulled at it, and I pushed him away. He grabbed my skirt and lifted it up and grabbed my panties and pulled them off, as I was hitting him and screaming and punching him and trying to bite him. Next thing I knew he had his hands around my throat and was strangling me. I tried to get his hands off my throat, and kept hitting him and struggling trying to get out of the car. The doors were locked and I could not get out. The next thing I know everything went dark.

I then saw a bright white light over my head, like there was no ceiling in the car, just white light. I saw my life flash before me. It was like it was in slow motion, but yet it was going full speed. I saw so much, people, events; I can't even find the words of how to describe it. I then saw this circle of people around me, there were so many. Some I recognized and some I did not. A man's face became very large, as if he had stepped closer to me. He had dark hair with fine features and looked around 30 years old to me. I heard him say to me that when I go back not to fight or struggle with him, just do what ever he wants. It is not worth dying for. The next thing I remember was seeing Jerry's face, and I told him to do what ever he wanted and I just laid there and I did not move. He stopped strangling me and continued to assault me. He then drove me home. I did not understand all that happened to me. I have since had a few dreams that are prophetic, just little things, nothing big. I have seen ghosts and spirits. My life has changed very slowly over the years; many things have happened that I can not totally explain. I saw a chiropractor when I was 36 years old and had an x-ray taken. On the x-ray, he saw something, and he asked me if I had suffered any severe trauma to my throat and neck area. That really startled me, and I remembered. I told him that I was sexually assaulted and strangled when I was 15. He told me that I have arthritis in my throat caused by severe trauma, but he said that it should not cause me any problems.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 - 10:58 am:

I went into the hospital due to having some chest pain, and pain in my left arm. The doctor requested that I have a stress test done. He found something abnormal on the right side of my heart. He then requested that I have a heart catheter done. So as I was having that procedure done, with the doctor going through my arteries, he discovered that I had a fifth artery. He took the thin scope through that artery. At that point, I felt a little pain. Then I saw the doctor hitting my chest. I saw him take the paddles to my chest four times. I was standing there a couple of feet off the ground as they were working on me. I saw this bright light. Then I saw this beautiful face; it was bright as the clouds. And then I saw my Mom, who is deceased. Then I heard a firm but pleasant voice to go back. I saw the nurse in my face, screaming at me to breathe. And like a swoosh; I was back in my body taking in a deep breath. But I just feel like I was sent back for a purpose, and I don’t know what really that purpose is yet. But maybe someday I will find out.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 - 07:57 pm:

I was being treated in hospital for a "chemical imbalance" after the birth of my first child. After having serious marriage problems, I stopped sleeping much and was way too "up.” About ten days after the birth, I entered the hospital. After initial assessment, they decided I needed to sleep. I was walking down the hall of the hospital with my mom when the nurse approached with the medication. I took the pills and immediately felt the wild symptoms. I knew that I had to find my bed, and called out to my mom to take me there. My eyes were rolling up and my tongue felt like it was choking me. I groped to my bed and fell unconscious face down.

I immediately left my body, traveling so fast within this amazing comforting all-encompassing light (words cannot describe this feeling). I arrived at a place where a being (guide) held my hand while different parts of my life played out before me like a movie. However, everything was from inside of the person I was with at the time. How they felt when I looked at them, talked to them... It was a huge shock. I became full of knowledge that was like a burden to me. I still have to stop myself from telling people about themselves and their behavior, even today. Anyway, next came more like a tunnel at the end of which was a group of my family waiting for me in a garden. Far in the distance, I could see many things like a beautiful city or large palace. It was strange because it didn't look like it was on land. Maybe an island or something. In between was a small river; it was amazingly beautiful. Things smelled wonderful. (Words are not powerful enough to describe these sights.) There was music softly playing but no musicians. Everything was in its natural form. No technology…

My great-grandmother was the strongest presence there (and in life as well; I knew her until I was 14). Ad she broke into my amazed reverence and said point blank, "You cannot stay here.” I argued. I pleaded. She forced me to look down and all of a sudden, I was in the hospital watching the doctor from a height of about 15-20 feet or so. The ceilings were only average height, so I was looking through the floor!!!! My mom was on the side of the bed near the door, and the nurse was on the other side. The doctor was right on the bed on top of me giving me a needle (adrenalin) into my neck. He was shouting at me, "Shawna, don't forget to breath" My mother was crying hard and holding onto the wall for support. I heard a voice in my head "You have a choice, will you leave your mother and your baby behind?" The very next moment, I took a breath and opened my eyes, smiled at the doctor and said, “What are you so worried? About I am fine.” Then I sat up. He freaked out. He pushed me back down and shouted at me to lay still. I tried to reassure him. I told him I saw what he did and that I went someplace wonderful. All he said was "I'm so glad you came back.”

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 - 07:52 pm:

Some of this story is what my sister related to me months after the incident. The reason for this is I remember nothing. Most of the day was hazy, especially just before I had the cardiac arrest. When I was 22 years old, I was living with my sister. Every Monday night she played beach volleyball, and on occasion, I fill in for a missing player. A vivid image of what I do remember is one of my sister’s friends stretching her legs. I do remember playing volleyball, but do not recall much. One minute I was playing volleyball, the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital. The unusual thing about waking up in the hospital was that it felt RIGHT. It felt that this was where I was supposed to be (although I have no recollection of anything that happened that could have led me there).

I was sedated for two days and in those two days, I felt that I was living in a dreamland, coming in and out of consciousness. Two years later, I did a first aid course, and in this course they taught us how to specific way to roll a person over on their side. We practiced it on a partner, and then they practiced on me. When I was practiced upon, I definitely remembered being rolled exactly that way before. I knew straight away that it was from when I had my cardiac arrest. Deju vu. I did not have this memory prior to this first aid course.

When I was in hospital, I remember my mother shaving my face. But my mother was supposed to be 1600 km away. I do not recall asking what happened, but my mother tells me I kept asking everyone what happened. So when I woke up, I didn't ask any questions because I knew the answers. I just couldn't remember ever asking anyone anything. This is probably because of all the drugs I was given.

While I was recovering in hospital, the ambulance drivers came in to see me. They told me to buy a lottery ticket and said that the chance for an out-of-hospital cardiac arrest survival was one in a thousand. On top of that, if it happened six months earlier, I wouldn't have made it to the hospital. Back then, ambulances did not have defibrillators. My thanks go to millionaire KERRY PACKER, who suffered something similar and therefore donated the money for defibrillators to be installed in ambulances.

I do not know how to word this next part but I will do my best.

When I read a book, just before I flip the page, I generally know what the next two or three words are. Also, I often say things at exactly the same time as other people (jinx). We watched a home video of my sister Anna and her boyfriend Jim of their holidays together. In a part of the video, Jim made an obscure comment on what I can't remember. But I do recall saying the exact same comment at the exact same time as he said it on camera while we were watching. Maybe I think the same way Jim does, or maybe it's psychic phenomena.

Now I am a 27 year old man, who was born with a hole in my heart. I have always had chest pain (which is why I thought chest pain was normal), and now I have had an Inserted Cardiac Defibrillator (ICD, type of pacemaker) for five years. My doctor wants me to have spinal surgery to remove some discs. He also said, if I do not have them removed, I could be a paraplegic in a few years time.

They tell me that I'm a very lucky man to still be alive. Sometimes I think that I am just unlucky not to be dead. They say you are still here because you have some unfinished business. But they never talk about the pain that comes with living.

I got this website from watching the movie “Final Destination 2”.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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