NDE Accounts

Archive through April 6, 2004

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 - 07:45 pm:

My experience was not a personal near death experience, But I did experience the death of My Grandma. Here is how the experience went.

I was helping my neighbors fix some things in their apartment when I suddenly felt totally spaced out and tired. I told my neighbor that I needed to go lay down for a while. I returned to my own apartment and laid down on the bed. I almost immediately went into a state where I was not asleep and not awake. I started reaching out with my hand and grasping at the air. (Strangely I knew that it was not me that was in danger. ) I could feel the chest getting heavier and heavier. All of the sudden I was looking at a strange room through someone else’s eyes. I looked around the room and saw my aunt standing next to the bed that I was lying on. She was holding my hand. I could feel a tremendous bond between these two people that seemed to transcend all time. It was literally an unbreakable bond. I could feel energy go up my arm into my aunt’s body and come back down into my body. At that point in time, the view faded out as though someone did a fade out at the end of a movie. All of a sudden we were at an aerial tram setup, that went into a park and then up into the mountains. I do not know where. But there was a problem with the tram. There was a tremendous urgency to fix the tram. I did some repairs on the tram and the people got on the tram and the tram went off into the distance. As the tram left, the scene faded out again as though the camera were doing a fadeout at the end of a movie. I suddenly had the sensation of being pulled backwards and then falling. The fall seemed to last about 20 seconds. I slammed back into my body and I could feel the bed go down from the impact. I woke up at that time, and the first thought I thought was “that crap is finally over.” I felt really good and had a real feeling of accomplishment. I walked out into the kitchen and there was a message on my answering machine from my dad that that my grandma had died. I suddenly had a vision of my aunt again, and a really big feeling of grief and remorse, and a feeling that a tremendous loss had occurred. I honestly think I was feeling my aunt’s feelings at the time. There were feelings associated with this event that cannot be described. I have thought about it a lot since then and it has had a major impact on my life. I talked to my mom a short time later about this and this is what she told me.

1. My grandma died of congestive heart failure
2. My aunt was holding my grandma’s hand when she died.
3. My grandma opened her eyes and looked at my aunt before she died.
4. I was asked by my mom how I knew all this information. I told her the story and all that I had seen and her jaw about hit the floor

I do not know why I was brought in to witness this but I felt there was a definite purpose to my being there. I think I was part of the bond between my Grandma and aunt. I had a feeling that we had been through a lot together. I feel it was necessary for me to be there for my Grandma to move on. And I will see my Grandma again when this life is over.

Anyway that is my experience. Although it was not exactly a personal NDE It was a rather unique and personal experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, April 6, 2004 - 07:40 pm:

I was taken to the hospital because I could barely breathe. When I got to the hospital, the nurses and doctors were trying to ask me what was wrong. So I tried to answer, but as I tried to tell them I could barely breathe, all the breath I had just seemed to blow right out of me like a gust of wind. I couldn't breathe in. So I remember pretending that I was at swimming lessons when I was little when I was able to hold my breath the longest. Then all of a sudden I saw all my (deceased) family members come towards me (in hospital beds... like the one I was in...) they were all surrounding me. Then my (deceased) father's face was right in front of me (he died when I was 10 of a heart attack). There seemed to be a white light or substance surrounding his face. He was just looking right into me. Then a yellow light or substance started coming downward towards my dad's face (which I seemed to 'know' was my (recently deceased) twin brother). Then all of a sudden, I seemed to be 'awake' and wondering what was over my shoulder. It was my fiancée crying, telling me 'Don't go! Don’t go.” Then I was fine. Then the doctor checked me out, said I was fine, and could go home. So I don't really know what happened. Apparently, I was there for 6 hours, but I only thought I was there for 15 minutes? No one (any deceased family members) ever 'said' anything to me... But it seemed like they were saying that I wasn't suppose to go.

So I don't know if this was a NDE or not but my life seems to be totally different. I just go with the flow now; whereas before, I was so scared (I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I am not even worried about the future anymore (and I don't even have any immediate family members who are alive except one brother who I don't see because he is in hiding from the bad things he's done).

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:50 pm:

This is the first chapter of a manuscript I'm working on. It may be a little long for your needs, but I hope that it is helpful to you. But please keep in mind that I do intend to publish this in a book soon.

A Walk in Time

I was in Concord, California staying with an aunt. On March seventeen, nineteen eighty-seven, I awoke early to a thunderous single beat of my heart and a fast, deep gasp of air. My eyes flew open to the pain in my chest, as I realized that I hadn't been breathing for quite some time. Fear shot through me as it never had before, along with the realization that I was alive. Alive was the only word in my mind. My body felt only fragmentarily connected to the rest of me. It was unbearably heavy with a loss of control uncharacteristic to me. My once comfortable body was now strangely foreign, responding to my commands only with great effort as I stumbled my way into the living room.

I sat staring into space, attempting to steady my hands and control my erratic breathing. I coughed, sensing that I couldn't speak. No matter how I tried, I couldn't make a single sound. I would later learn that this symptom meant that I had been dead for about twenty minutes. I managed to light the first of an endless series of cigarettes, undoubtedly one of the most important things to do after a major heart attack.

I was grateful the baby was still asleep and my aunt had already left for work for the day, as I began reliving in vibrant mental and emotional detail what had happened and where I'd been.
I'd gone to bed the night before as usual, with no strenuous exercise during the day. Nothing at all was out of the ordinary. I'd gone shopping, made dinner, and watched television after putting my nine and a half month old daughter down for the night.

I slept soundly, until the early morning hours when I suddenly seemed to awaken in a dark, cloud-like haze. A brilliant and comforting light shone through the clouds beyond. I was alone and knew immediately without a single doubt that I had died. I couldn't remember what had happened, how old I was or a single detail about my life at all. I did know that somehow I hadn't completed my life and that it had ended violently. I wondered, as I began to cry, if all dead people had trouble remembering.

Somehow, I also knew that I would be met by someone who would help me and send me on my way to eternity. As I thought that a figure appeared at my left. She was short and kind, with a large head. She seemed somehow familiar, but I didn't recognize her. She confirmed, telepathically, that I had indeed died. She said, "You may have whatever you wish by imagining having it, be wherever you wish by imagining being there.”

My first thought was of how I'd come to be a spirit. Instantly, I was transported into the past to witness my death. Time suddenly had no meaning at all. My guide remained at my left side, holding my hand, answering my questions and comforting me. I saw myself arrive home to a small townhouse. I knew I was coming in from work to pick something up before rushing out to pick up the kids. As I reached the front door to leave, a neighbor I scarcely knew knocked, and then forced his way in. I watched helplessly as he raped and murdered my body.

I covered my face with my hands, as my spirit rose to leave. Mourning for the new baby I would never give birth to and hold, I saw my murderer run away. I also saw the police arrive, and I followed the detective until he caught the man. Eventually, I went to my own wake. As I stared down at my body in the light blue and white casket, I remembered they had been my favorite colors. I suddenly understood that they had been theme colors for a lifetime of emotions to be experienced and expressed.

Around me were friends and relatives. I could hear what they were thinking and feel their grief as clearly as I thought my own thoughts and felt my own emotions. I was stunned to realize how very much I'd been loved. I began to cry again because I couldn't let them know that I had loved them all just as much back. I reached to touch the face which could no longer show my tears. I no longer had cheeks to wipe or a nose to blow. I cried harder. I wondered who would raise my children. I would never write the books I'd so wanted to write. My poems would never see the light of day.

I realized for the very first time that during the course of my life, survival had gotten in the way of what I'd wanted to do, in the way of what I now realized I'd come into life to accomplish. My feelings of devastation were beyond any I had known during life. I couldn't change it now, I knew that I'd have to go through the birth process again because of it. There were two people at my wake whose acts towards me I'd been unable to forgive in life. I was still angry with them and will always remember the hate I felt. I'll not soon forget the love coming from their hearts for me either. My husband and children arrived. I hadn't known marriage could be so right before we'd met, so peaceful and happy. It had ended much too soon. He lifted each child to kiss me good-bye, Janna, Jamie, and little Corey, just three years old. Corey could see and hear me still. I spoke with him about being brave and not forgetting me.

I thought of my eldest son, Chet, who was with his father. I was with him immediately, watching as he received the news, unable to comfort and hold him. He went into his bedroom and I watched as he committed suicide. "Would you like to see what would have happened had you written and published?" my guide asked. I nodded. I was far above the earth after sunset. The colors were a magnificent sight, and I'll always remember them. All across the globe, little sparks of light flickered like the flames of candles burning. I saw time pass into decades and beyond. ”They are the flickering hearts of those you would have touched," my guide explained.

As the scene ended another began. I saw myself in a large, beautiful house in the country in Mill Valley, California. I was working at a computer, as the children came and went from the large family room I'd made into my office as well. Gone was the small townhouse and crowded neighborhood in which I'd lived and died only moments before. There was so much peace in that house, so much happiness and laughter. I somehow knew that doing what I'd been born to do had produced so much harmony. This house and the events taking place there haunted me for months afterward. It was as though the house and the people there wanted to re-enforce the messages they had given me. How I wished I could do it all again, live again, breathe, hug and kiss my children again. Even as my very soul grieved, I knew it could never be. My guide carefully placed a spirit hand on my shoulder. ”You can," she said. With all the force of a massive collision, I was in my body again and awake. I have never been more grateful for the simple act of waking up.

I had had a heart attack just a month before my thirty second birthday. I was terrified at the prospect. I'd just found the reality in my life, just discovered as much of normality as I thought I ever might. I knew I was out of shape because of the baby and the Hepatitis B. I hadn't known at the time that I'd had mononucleosis and CMV too. Still, I'd been out of shape before, and nothing had ever happened to me. It didn't seem possible that I'd aged so much in the seven short years since my last child. Going to the hospital entered my mind, but I couldn't have spoken to anyone. I didn't know at the time that being incapable of talking, I could have just dialed 911, and waited for a response, or I would have. When I could speak, I didn't know what to say. I thought about admitting to having just had the most dramatic out-of-body experience I'd ever heard of, but didn't think I would be believed. I didn't know what to do.

I grabbed a notebook and my favorite pen. I spent the next several days in almost nonstop writing. In retrospect, I realized that my oldest son had been fourteen years old at the time of my death. That meant the date had to have been at least August of nineteen ninety-two. It was March of nineteen eighty-seven. I'd never heard of Mill Valley, California before. I finally found it on a map. It really did exist, and I've been told, is considered the New Age capital of the West Coast. There were people at the wake I didn't know. Since that time, I have met them. Jamie and Corey have not been born and won't be. I would eventually understand that they had been symbols for events to take place in my life. The name Corey means the same thing in Gaelic that my real first name means in Cherokee, which is Little Stream. Corey was symbolic for finding myself. I had transcended time within transcending time. It was a view of my tomorrow with options. I'd seen where I was going and was given the opportunity to change the course to a better one. After writing it all down, the messages were startlingly clear. I had some choices to make.

I ended my search for a job. This book had begun. I let the baby-sitter go. The family clans went into an uproar. They have all gotten over it. I started going back to college. I am writing now, and though things do get in the way at times, I don't let them be permanent distractions. I had faced my fears of death and conquered them. I understood that I'd feared death because I'd feared a lack of completion in my life. I won't let that happen now, so there is no fear. I also know that there is no real death, no lack of conscious awareness afterwards. I'd still been the person I had always been. I didn't just end. I'd still had the same thoughts and emotions I'd always had. I was still me. I didn't know where so much had come from. I wondered if God did sometimes intervene in our lives. I wondered if death was really like that, imagining and having, mental and emotional telepathy. I worried about my son Chet. I thought a long time about my deceased mother. I wondered where she was and what she was learning. I wondered if she had company and what her life was like now. Most of my questions would eventually be answered, but it would take a while. Next came the elephants. My guides would later torment me for months about them, as well as my refusal to write seriously about them.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:48 pm:

It was after my son had been taken out of me and they were sewing me back up. I felt it was getting very hard to breath, and I really needed to fight to say in control. I then noticed I was flying away from my husband. I was going side ways away from him, like down a tunnel but on my side. The distance between us was getting greater. I could see my son, and then I heard a male/female voice say it was time to go home. I felt very angry (my husband and I had lost 3 babies via miscarriage) and our son had just come into this world. I was in no way ready to leave my family as they needed me and I wasn't ready to move on. I told the voice to forget it, I was not ready and that was that. The anesthetist told me I was very brave, and he seemed to know how close I had been to going out. I later found out I had lost a large amount of blood so much the floor was covered. I saw the shocked looks on the theater nurses faces as they looked at the blood all over the floor. I nearly had a stroke a few days later. I was too ill to breast feed though I tried to do so for four days. It took a long time for me to reconnect to my world. I knew I was given this chance because I was so sure I had things still to do. My dad did not come for me, so I knew I could stay, and so I did. Dad’s got a really strong sense of time, and he would have been there on the other side if I had been due in. I guess they were just testing my resolve and found I had a lot of miles left in me yet.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:47 pm:

I had had an illegal abortion, crudely performed. Afterwards, I became infected from my head to my feet. I was in excruciating pain. My friend decided to take me to the emergency room. There was a wild thunderstorm, I remember. I could not get my shoes on; I nearly passed out. My friend helped me and got me into the car. I remember we came to a railroad crossing, with a train going by. We had to stop and wait. I was in the back seat, barely able to withstand the pain. Then suddenly I knew I was dying. Time seemed insignificant, I don't remember at what point it happened. I think we were still waiting for the train to pass. All of a sudden, I felt myself lifted out of my body. I did not look down at myself, in fact, I don't remember looking anywhere. But the feeling was as though I was being taken into the arms of God, a concept I had never considered. Every sorrow, all grief, heartbreak, disappointment, loss, resentment, was gone. It was simply handled, period. I then felt the most unbelievable love, mercy and peace that I could ever imagine. In fact, one can't imagine it; it simply doesn't exist on this plane of consciousness! There are no words to describe it, and so I just have to "know" it. It was the greatest gift I have ever known.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:46 pm:

During a 4th of July party, a friend of mine inserted a large firecracker into an empty beer can and threw it at my feet. I heard it hit the ground and looked down at it just as it went off. The explosion was like a hand grenade. A large piece of the can penetrated my skull through my nose and into my right eye, which was severed in two. I was instantly blinded and started bleeding severely. My friends rushed me to a clinic, but they were not equipped to handle as severe a wound as I had. I was taken to a large hospital, I do not know how. I was left laying on a gurney until a proper ophthalmologist could be contacted. I remember a large pressure bandage being placed over the right side of my head. There was severe pain.

My next sight was of me laying on the gurney, only I was 30 to 40 feet above looking down. My thoughts were 'why doesn't someone help this poor guy?' I then noticed that it was me. I felt a very cool breeze on my back, like standing in front of an air conditioner on a hot day. I turned to see what it was and it was a hole in a black background, a very bright white hole, about a foot in diameter. It was so bright, but it didn't hurt my eyes, like one would shield themselves from looking at the sun. It was many times brighter than the sun, but it was relaxing. I looked back at me and I was growing farther away, and the hole was getting bigger. Now I noticed the cool pleasantness of the light. There was no pain. There was no noise. I was very curious and approached the light, which was all around me by now. I knew I was not going back to the hell of life; it was too beautiful where I was. The cool breeze blew in my face and I felt it all through my body. I had no sense of restrictions. There was no need of anything. I was also very hungry and drunk at the time, but I had no sense of either symptom. I was fully prepared to enter the light, but took one last look back at the pitiful wretch that was me. Suddenly, I saw a nurse come to my face; she drew her hand back and slapped me as hard as she could. I was immediately back into my body, in pain, bleeding, half blind, hungry and drunk. I curse her to this day. She thought she was saving a life, but she was simply prolonging what I look forward to, that I know will come.

I have heard other 'tales' of experiences, some of which are utter fallacy, but I know what I had seen, and I tell you that I saw the nurse hit me. I can describe what she wore and her funny little hat, and I saw her hit me WITH BOTH EYES! She later came to my room and told me what she did, and she looked at me like I was crazy when I told her I saw her do it. I have no fear of death, and neither should anyone else. In daily life, I know things that are going to happen, but only after they have happened. I guess you could say that I am clairvoyant, but it is not important to me. Death is not the last action for humanity.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 1, 2004 - 08:45 pm:

I had gone to a state park with my grandmother and family friends. This was my first time to be in the water as my mother had a fear of the water. And since my mother wasn't around, I got to play a lot. I did not know at the time there was a wall separating two different areas of depth. But the wall looked very inviting to me to jump off of. I jumped into the deep side and wondered why I was able to stay down so long. I remember thinking this was really a wonderful feeling being in this wonderful place. I remember it being warm, loving, and very, very pleasant. Just about the time I was really enjoying the feeling, our friend Helen pulled me out and scolded me for jumping in and being under so long. At the time I did not realize what had happened. I just remembered how wonderful it was being there and not wanting to leave. It was not too long after that, that I started hearing voices in my head advising me what to do and what not to do. It seemed to be instruction. Also, I remember seeing auras. Of course, at the time I did not know what any of this was. It was just things that I saw and heard. Also, I seemed to be very aware of people's feelings. I became quite introverted and lonely. I did not learn what any of this meant until I started putting things together while reading "Full Circle" by Barbara Harris. I still have intuitive encounters and other psychic things happen to me. I can supply them if you want them. At any rate, I think this is probably what happened to me at 5 yrs old, and I just now was able to put a name on it.

Thank you

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:31 pm:

In 1987, my sister (one year younger than I) died of breast cancer after two years with the disease. In 1990, I discovered a lump in my left breast, and after a visit to my GP, I was to have a mammogram and ultrasound. In light of my sister’s recent death, I was obviously very concerned about my own health. That night I went to bed as usual when suddenly there was a "being" standing(?) beside me and the impression I got was that I had been "told" I was being taken to see my sister. We "walked" upwards through a "tunnel" not particularly dark as in black, but dark bluish, I was very aware of the "being" (my maternal grandmother came to my mind but I can't be sure) "walking" with me and felt quite comfortable with them, but I couldn't see the "being.” Suddenly we were through the "tunnel" and entered a brightly lit (sunny?) paved courtyard bordered by a low brick retaining wall beyond which was beautiful lawn on which "walked" other "beings". To the left was another low brick wall and the impression of a fence just beyond it. On that wall sat some "beings" (impression) and my sister, who had her head bent over some hand sewing she was doing. I have to say that my sister was never one to sit and sew. As we drew close to her she looked up at me and said, "go back, it's not your time yet!” I sensed some frustration in her voice, which was exactly how she would have reacted. Immediately I was back, awake and in my bed. I continue to be in awe of my experience, which I know without doubt was not a dream, despite having people try to convince me otherwise, not by my family however.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:30 pm:

I was riding an off-road vehicle, and I suddenly found that I had taken a wrong turn and was going off the edge of a cliff. I thought I was surely going to die as I was flung over the handlebars and into a mid-air summersault. As I was spinning around, I found myself looking up and the four-wheeler I was riding on was coming down right on top of me. If I survived the fall, this thing was going to finish me by crashing down over me. It was then as if time stopped and went into freeze-frame. I suddenly realized I could do something and divert the trajectories of myself and the vehicle. I don't know how in a fraction of a second I could have become so clear and be able to act to change the outcome. I raised my right arm and gave a mighty push to the four-wheeler and sent myself spinning to the left, as I was still in that forward summersault. A moment after I impacted the ground, I was wondering if I was just dreaming I had survived. I had to pinch myself. Within a short time, a tremendous pain in my shoulder convinced me I indeed survived. My left shoulder was shattered, but I had survived. I could never understand why time seemed to stop and how I could have reacted that fast. It was as if everything else slowed down, or that I was somehow speeded up and thus everything else seemed slow. It was just enough time to avert almost certain disaster. The project I started four years later after a similar experience is now a butterfly peace and healing initiative spreading around the world. I guess I'm still here because I had something to do. What is really amazing is that the butterfly is often associated with this kind of experience [ref Judy Guggenheim, who wrote Hello from Heaven]. Welcome to the magical world of butterflies and serendipity. May Peace Prevail on Earth!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:19 pm:

I was reading some entries on an associated website and was struck by the similarity between those and this entry from my diary reproduced verbatim. To set the context, I was seriously depressed and suffering from emotional pain I couldn't stand much longer. I wasn't really inspired to record my thoughts and feelings - but felt this experience was meant to teach me something. I wanted to record it whilst still fresh so that I could refer back and make sense of it.

3 Jan 1999: Last night I was reading (a book from a friend who was also undergoing an extremely distressing time) and decided to ask for guidance. I saw a deep crimson velvet heart like a box. When opened, there was a flame inside. I couldn't quite get an answer and fell asleep still struggling to understand. I had an epic dream which seemed to last for hours. When I was still awake, I first saw a girl with a sneer and hard eyes, and long blonde hair. I asked for "someone benevolent.” In my dream, I was guided by a woman with brown hair. I saw her in two or three places, but she always had the same eyes and that's how I knew it was still her. The first parts of the dream were very deep. I know I was asking questions and was receiving guidance, and I think I was satisfied - or even cheered - by these responses, but I have no idea now what I learned. I wish I knew. Then a more lucid bit came when this woman said, “You can still set yourself free, if you believe, you only have to ask.” She carried on speaking and I interrupted her because I sensed I was running out of time: "Who do I ask?" In the meantime, this woman was saying, "This drinking - it's an attack on your feminine side.” And in response to my question, she said, "Well, that's the ironic thing - it's you who's doing this to yourself - you ask yourself.”

I think possibly before that I had a strong sense that I wasn't going to make it back from this journey, and I started to pray. I remember making the sign of the cross and saying I loved (something) and saying "give my love to God.” This woman gave me a sidelong look and I knew she was thinking, "You know you don't mean "God"", and I reminded myself: the universe is God. I continued (dark, misty) away (from life?) and prayed so hard that this wouldn't hurt my loved ones too much. I prayed that they knew how much I loved them, and for their protection. I realized that just because I was passing over to the other side, it didn't help me to understand what happens there. I asked that my loved ones could know that I was missing them just as they were missing me, even though I'd gone over. I prayed, "I don't know how, but I pray to God that one day we will all be reunited.” I passed on and saw there were others there. In a lighter (still misty) patch, I saw school children and especially noticed a teenage girl and boy. I wondered if they were those who had died of meningitis after Christmas. I carried on to a darker misty place, as if passing over a city at night - it was cold - and towards a light, like a lit doorway. I felt this was a challenge to me to test my will to come back. (It was very welcoming and felt safe and warm and loving - but it also felt wrong of me to go there.) I seemed to make it because I found myself back at the entrance to the place I'd been before, in a queue (how English) which led up a winding staircase in a well-lit building. I saw her again and seized the opportunity to ask her more questions. On the landing, where we were set to go in different directions, I hurriedly asked her if this meant I was to live. She hesitated and said, "yes... but we may be called back here again in about a month...” I thought, "But I don't want to die in a month! I want to live until I'm old!” She continued, ” … but there is a possibility that might be extended until...” (an idea of 80+ years of age entered my head). As she left, I thought, "but I'm not an angel - I'm a person!” Then I wondered as I awoke if she was too, and had just come to guide and heal me, and if I would go back just to do the same, not to leave this life. I wish I knew what I had learned.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:18 pm:

I had a massive heart attack. Fortunately, I was at the emergency room. I felt no pain; I just slipped away. The next thing I knew I was in a large room, like old photos of inside Ellis Island. There were no windows on the ground floor but there was much light from the windows above. The entire hall was filled with tables like a school cafeteria, and they all had lights hanging above them. I was dressed for work and went to my table. Although there were no directions, I knew exactly where I was going and I sensed that I belonged there. I was not afraid. I only remember a tremendous peace and somehow I felt as though I belonged. I never thought about my family or anything, it was all about me. The next thing I remember were many voices calling me, and I awoke as they carted me to the cath lab. I’ve had two open heart surgeries since; the last one I almost didn’t make it through. After seven days of no sleep, I slipped into sleep deprivation psychosis. My blood pressure dropped and I was being kept alive by a computer. That night I could no longer fight, and I gave my life to God and resigned myself to die. I could hear the prayers of people praying for me and I fell asleep. I awoke the next morning and I felt warmth cover me from head to toe. A voice told me I was not through. That day I pulled through, and two days later I was in a private room and walking down the hall.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:17 pm:

I was 13 years old. I don’t know if I died or not. I had double pneumonia. I guess I passed out because I couldn’t breathe. The next thing I knew, I was floating above my body. I had hands and feet and could see and hear every thing going on in my bed below. I could hear them saying he is too young to have passed away. I kept trying to tell them that I was not dead. They could not hear me. I began to see a light coming towards me. I could feel a love present as the light got larger, and a warmth of great compassion inside the light. There was a figure inside the light that talked to me without using words and said, "You have to go back you have something you must do.” When I was there, I was thinking this must be Jesus. I asked him a lot of question about where is heaven. He showed me what I will be doing in heaven. He told me that, and answered a lot of other question. I don’t know who you are at the other end of this computer. You will never know that love in this life. He is a wonderfully brother to us, and we have wonderful things to do when you or I go back to that light to stay. This he also told me: the work that I have done for the last 15 years is me trying to express some of the love that our brother has for us to those in need. But believe me I could not express that love in 10 life-times of work.

Sorry I don’t spell that well, I so want to get into what he told me at this time. But it [was] wonderful for you and I both.

[a child of the light]

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:16 pm:

I would like to get as much information as I can about this if I could. I don't know if this is a near death experience or not. Here is my story. In 1999 I was in the hospital. At 8:15 p.m. I quit breathing. My wife told me that by the time the doctors worked on me and let her back in the room to see me it was 9:00 p.m. The only thing I remember is that I thought that I was in some sort of waiting area and I was having a very INTENSE argument with a black clergy man. He said - "J, God is with you now - it is time to go." I told him that I could not go because my granddaughter needs me right now and would not understand. The more we argued the more intense it got until I heard my wife’s voice calling me and I woke up.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:07 pm:

In 1985, I had been feeling extremely tired for months, when I had some dental work done. The dentist decided to put me in the hospital to cut out some wisdom teeth, as I had Raynaud’s disease. Upon admission to the hospital, a pre-op was done, which included a chest x-ray. They later came in and told me that my heart was appearing double its size in the x-ray. They later decided that I had fluid around the heart, which made it appear so. Within the next 10 days, they went in to my heart-lining with a needle and would withdraw the fluid. Within 2 to 3 days it would build up again. Each time it would be from 560 to 650cc's of fluid. They finally decided to go in and operate, to take out part of the heart lining, so the fluid could not build up, as they could not find out why it was doing this.

They took me into surgery and administered the anesthetic and I sank down into oblivion. All of a sudden, I heard a nurse say, "Doctor, her pressure is dropping.” She said this three times and by the third time, her voice was sounding panicky. It was at this point that I realized I could hear exceptionally clear. I cannot describe the clarity of my hearing. I could have heard a pin drop. I felt as though I had been fighting a difficult battle and I just gave up. I gave into an over-whelming feeling of defeat. It was at this point that I heard a voice say, "you are judging yourself much too harshly.” A feeling of complete, total relaxation came over me. It was as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and it had been removed with that one sentence. I knew that I had been unconditionally forgiven for any wrongs I felt I had done throughout my life. I felt myself starting into a total darkness, but I was not afraid. I started moving along in this black tunnel, when all of a sudden I was brought back to the harsh lights in the recovery room. The pain in my chest was intense. Both sides of my ribs hurt and I felt as though I had a hot iron on the inside of my chest. When I totally awoke, I also found a V-shaped mark in the center of my chest. I was in the ICU 10 days after that.

I felt as if I had been going to my true home and was forced back here. I did not want to come back. The peacefulness and serenity I had felt, I cannot even begin to describe in mere words. I wish I could say that this changed me into a much better person, but after returning home, I totally turned the opposite of what I was. My marriage almost ended. I went from a shy-retiring person to a party type. I felt for a long time that I was just visiting here on earth, and I really wanted to return to my true home. It took a few years before I finally returned back to my normal self. During that time though, I had hurt many of my loved ones with my actions. I am now no longer fearful of death, for I know that it is just the closing of one door and the opening of another.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:06 pm:

I came across your website and thought that perhaps you might be interested in my experience below. I am not sure as to whether this counts as a NDE, as there seems only a few of the common incidents. This is probably far too verbose but if the contents are of interest, please feel free to edit my notes. Equally, I am unsure whether biographical information is required. I append some details if needed. My name is B and at the time was 62 years old. I have a somewhat elderly and very ordinary physics qualification (1960), and spent the first 15 years in research laboratories doing research into communication in the presence of noise. I was persuaded to leave research and apply my experience into the design and management of large communication systems. Over the next 15 years, I designed and installed a variety of networks both international and national. In 1990, I took a profitable early retirement and formed my own company carrying on the same work.

In 1997, my life style (too much eating, drinking, smoking and working) caught up me and my heart called it a day, obliging me to close my company and give up work. I have yet to establish a satisfactory explanation for some experiences I had during 1997 (and I refer to notes that I made in as soon as I was able to type). I suffered a series of heart attacks and was admitted to the intensive care unit of my local hospital. After about a week, I became much worse and was transferred to another hospital where I underwent emergency heart surgery and had a quadruple bypass.

Two days after the operation everything started to go wrong, and in fact, I was unconscious under full life support for an extra 8 weeks. I knew nothing of this until I woke at the in a completely terrified state (which apparently is not unusual). I had no idea where I was or what was real, having had the rather unpleasant and very vivid dreams as described below. (These dreams are still as vivid today as when I woke.)

Principal Dream Episodes: Much of the dream (or dreams) are now unclear. In particular, the order of episodes is confused. However, a number of distinct phases can still be remembered. I dreamt that I was due for a major operation and was already in a motorized wheel chair and was in a hospital. I decided that I would have a last night of freedom and somehow left the hospital, still in the motorized wheelchair. The next thing I remember is returning to a hospital, which I knew, and also I knew it was a different hospital to the one I had left. The staff in this hospital seemed more amused than angry at my sudden appearance and decided to test me for pregnancy. I dreamt that I was in bed in the hospital and in a tower block. To my horror all the staff, when they thought they were unobserved, turned into little silver entities with round featureless heads. They were busy carrying other silver spheres, which I somehow knew to be patients who had died. I managed to get up to the top of the tower to try to defeat these aliens. I decided that a photoflash would kill them. A program of flashing at everybody in the UK was set up under my direction.

It now gets very confused, as if several dreams were occurring together. In my dream I knew that I was in intensive care (I did not know where nor did I know why I was there). I was in a high bed and my family was around me. My eldest daughter was there and was herself. My wife was there and was unchanged. My youngest daughter was there but her name was Miriam, and she was some sort of priestess (pagan) dressed in a long back robe, and had an emblem, an inverted crescent moon, round her neck. She was married to an Asian from America who was also some kind of priest. My son was not there at first, but I knew that he was a priest (Christian) and married with a large number of children. He was also associated with a pop group, which had a major hit. The record started off with a religious chant (which I loved) and then went into a dreadful pop stuff. Everybody thought I liked the thing, and not only did they play the record non-stop through loudspeaker high up on my right, but the pop group came and played their hit by my bedside. Miriam's husband turned out to be one of the aliens, and because he came from America I had reprogram the flash device in kill off the next bunch of aliens. The bed that I was in was quite high and attached to me were a number of pipes, which led to a huge tank in the hospital grounds. A chap called George ran this facility. The tank was full of bits of people and other things and had a large drain at the bottom. I dreamt that I was led out to the tank (still in my bed or wheelchair) and I knew that I was going to be tipped down the drain. I remember now that I was very frightened, but determined that I would not disappear without trace and as we passed by the metal support of the tank, I reached out and placed my wedding ring, my watch and a handful of money on a shelf. We arrived at the drain, and I was tipped down this black plastic hole. I fell through and landed in bright sunlit, to my considerable surprise and relief. Both my son and Miriam were there and as I lay helpless on my back, Miriam who was still dressed in her priestess role, leant over me and said with sadness that this was all for the best and plunged a long dagger into my heart.

I am unsure as to whether the next episodes came after or before the above but I relate them as they come back into memory. I was in St. Paul's cathedral in London and was involved in an “entertainment” of some religious significance although I have no idea what. My part was at the end, where I suddenly appeared at the front of the stage dressed in a golden body suit and posing with arms and legs outstretched as though I was on a cross. The next thing, I found myself reclining, still in the golden body suit, on a collection of rocks. In front of me was a set of gates separating two towers. To the left there was seemed to be a bearded face, which I knew to be an enemy and indeed was diabolical. As I watched, the face started to rush towards me, and I pointed my hand at the oncoming face and forced it back with a ball of golden fire. I think that I returned to this dream sequence many times and each time I became weaker. I knew that I was in the most terrible danger, and I very clearly remember (even after this time) raising my left arm and pointing to the sky and calling out “O God help me and if You do I will make an act of contrition.” (I have no idea what I meant!) Out of the corner of my eye, I then saw a blue tide washing over the rocky scene coming in from the left ,and I felt a warmth and great strength being “fed” into me. I saw a huge hand coming down from above, holding a golden sheet and placing it behind me behind some tiles arranged in a circle

This last episode is the principal dream sequence which is causing the soul searching. I have yet to reach a satisfactory explanation. These notes are being written nearly year after the events, but the sequence below is still vivid in my mind and I have to understand what, if anything, it means. What did I experience, if anything? The real problem with this type of experience is that is subjective with no objective evidence to support it. I think normally that I would have dismissed the whole thing as a drug induced hallucination, but for the fact (this can be verified) that as soon as I woke, I was most insistent that my wife answer a question: where was my wedding ring? Somewhat puzzled, she told me that she had taken it off together with my watch and they were at home. I told her about the dream sequence where I had been bunged down the hole. I was then able to tell what was real and what was just a dream. I told my wife about the “religious episode” thinking that it would entertain her. There was an uncomfortable silence and I learnt for the first time the seriousness of my condition.

Since then I have tried to understand just what if anything really happened. There seem to be only a few possibilities, none of which is completely satisfying. Just coincidence and none of the dream episodes are meaningful. A drug induced hallucination. If a drug induced hallucination, what triggered it? A real transcendental experience? Did I become aware of my situation despite being deeply unconscious There seems no doubt that at times I was “aware” of my surroundings: for example, Pat played one of my tapes and tears rolled down my cheeks, Pat asked me if I disliked the music and I am told that I nodded. Apparently the staff never discussed my condition within earshot, but it could be that I did hear something even in my drugged state, and realized my danger. I have been reading about work carried with ketamine in order to produce NDE-like experiences, and although this seems to be the most likely explanation, I still cannot understand, if that is the case, where did I get the strength to stabilize after 28 arrests in the half hour. My condition was such that serious consideration was being given to switching off the life support. (Note added in 1998: my cardiologist tells me that I made a serious attempt at dying with a total of 75 arrests, which would appear to be a record as far as he knows.) I have tended to assume that the time of maximum danger was the period referred to above, but I continued to arrest, although nowhere near the frequency. I also was suffering from a multitude of organ failures of varying severity. Did I continue to draw strength throughout, or was there but one “injection” which was sufficient to carry me through. If a transcendental experience, what was it that gave me the strength? Was this a religious experience? Is there, contrary to all my previous beliefs, a personal God? Regards

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:05 pm:

After an appendix operation, as they were trying to bring me round, I could not breathe, I felt as though as I was suffocating, I was feeling intense pain, I could not see anything but could hear everything that was going off in the operating theatre. After a few seconds, I was at my shoulder level, no pain. Next second, I was back in my body, intense pain once more. Then again, instantly I was a little further away from my body, again at shoulder level, no pain again. At this time I was thinking, Good grief, what are my daughter and dogs going to do without me? Again I whizzed back into my body, intense pain, Next time, a little further away from my body, thinking this time, :no pain, but there will be an article in the local press tomorrow: woman dies during routine appendix operation.: Whoosh, back in my body again, excruciating pain. Then relief, again a little further away from my body. No pain, what relief, still no sight like other people have said, but sound and totally rational thinking when I was not in my body. Next second, back to the agony. By this time the theatre staff realized that I was having trouble, and they said, she is going cyanosed; they said, “Let the machine breathe for you.” What relief. I woke up in intensive care on life support. But I have since said that if I had died, my spirit, soul or whatever would have still been there.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 10:04 pm:

The narrative above describes two of my experiences. I have also had other events that have changed me. I have true seen a ghost of a young lady at the road side, at night, in a very dense fog. I will never forget the eyes. They were empty. I thought I had hit her; I stopped the car and backed up. No one was there but she had been there. She was white with a white flowing dress and looked to be 14-17 years of age. My boyhood home was built on the exact site of where a church had burned. Some of the lumber in our home was from the burned out church. We played in the grave yard as kids. The house was filled with sounds at night. Heavy foot steps on the roof, scraping in the window screens and a family constantly in torment.

Two years ago as I sat at my computer at 9:00 AM on a Sunday morning writing an article, I had a very strong vision of my father falling on a snow-covered sidewalk, striking his head, massive bleeding, and an ambulance taking him away. I also saw him dead. The sensation was extremely strong and I had to sit back in my chair to deal with it. At noon, three hour later, my father fell while entering a bowling alley that we had gone to for a birthday party. Everything happened as in the vision, and he died a few weeks later of complications of massive head trauma. I was extremely shaken a few hours after he fell and a surgeon came to me to talk. I told him of my vision, and that I might have been able to have stopped it. He looked at me and said that his father had told him of many like situations that he had experienced during WWII. The surgeon believed my story, and said he believed that something is available to us if we just knew how to deal with it. He too calmed me, and then walked away. Many things in business and research come true after I had envisioned them as much as a decade prior to the event. I do not want to use any ability for gain, but it haunts me to know that this ability exists. I have some very strong theories about what is going on and the nature of these abilities. I know I am not crazy and if my theories are correct it could change the nature of how mankind will exist in the future.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:56 pm:

In 1973, I was scheduled for a routine cardiac catheterization. This was probably my sixth one in the span of my 18 years at the time. I was born with congenital malformations of the heart and had three corrective surgeries to repair the damage prior to this experience. I was nervous. All I could remember were the experiences I had had in the past which were terrifying. I was afraid this would be the same regardless of advances in the technique of the procedure. I was taken to the cath lab, and everything I had remembered about my past procedures came true. It was four hours of terror, due in part by a physician who at the time was a resident and was assisting the cardiologist performing the procedure. The whole matter was botched from the get go. When I was returned to my room, I was drained of every ounce of energy. It was an effort to take a breath. I ask the nurse for a drink’ she brought juice. I took a sip, and then vomited. I fell back on the bed, heard a scream for help, which I assume came from the nurse in attendance. The next thing I knew, someone was shaking me. I could not respond.

I began to drift away into what I thought was sleep and suddenly found myself back home watching my mother and my little brothers and sisters about the house. In an instant, I was aware of being among my relatives in Indiana, my birthplace. I saw each of my relatives going about their everyday routine. Suddenly I remember reciting the Act of Contrition aloud, but my lips were not moving. In that moment, I was soaring toward a great light. During this time, I noticed that I was passing cornfields and split-rail fences. There were folks waving to me as I was "flying" by. The feeling I had was one of great warmth and happiness. It was a joy I had never experienced before and haven't since. Very suddenly, I came to a stop and found myself in the presence of an iridescent golden light. I felt part of that light... joined to it if you will. At that moment I knew all that was, all that had been and all that was to come. Though I did not return to my body with the knowledge of my future as I had in the experience with the Great Light, I came back knowing that there was a plan.

I heard the words "it is not your time." I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness and instantly was back in the bed at the hospital in great pain. When I opened my eyes, my father was at my side. There were IV's going and an oxygen mask on my face. My chest ached as though I had been hit directly in the center of it. I started to cry but I was so weak. I wanted to tell my father what had happened, but I couldn't, so I just drifted into sleep. Sometime later, I told the story. But my father just laughed at me and explained it as all in my imagination. I never spoke of the experience again until years later when I found out that a cousin who fell into a diabetic coma had a similar experience. He is the only one who knows the truth. I fill my days with thoughts of God and going to Him again. I am not afraid.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:55 pm:

I had visited your web site, and thought I would share my experience with death with you! In 1979, I was in an accident on a motorcycle that left me with major injuries. At that time, I was 20 years old. I had died just minutes after reaching the hospital. Things I remember are seeing myself being worked on to bring me back to life. I never saw the light that so many talk about. However, I did feel the peaceful feeling that comes with death. I have never talked about this experience to any except my wife and children. I have always known that there is something on that other side that I will visit one day. I am not afraid of death anymore. Well, years have went by since then; now I'm 40 years old, had a lot of family trouble, got divorced and so on. It took a toll on me bad. Well, in 1997, I was drinking one night. I got to thinking about my life and that I had lost my family! So I took a gun and without hesitation put it to my head and pulled the trigger. From that point, I had a visit from a lady; don’t know who it was to this day. She was not from real life. she had told me I am not suppose to be there, that what I had done is very wrong, and that she was going to make it right again. This I had not told anyone either. Then I spent the next two weeks in a nightmare kind of state, living with awful things. Unlike the first time I died, she told me if I ever take my life again, this is what I would have to live with for eternity. Then I woke up in the hospital. I have come close to dying many times in my life: from drowning to almost getting shot during a hunting season. But I always seem to have some angel watching over me all the time. Am I special? I don’t know, but to someone in the after life I suppose I am. What my reason is for living I don’t know. Why I dodge death so many times, I don’t know either. But I do know I won’t take my life again by my own hand. That nightmare is one I don’t want again. So now days, I try to understand god and things and to be a good person. In my belief, I think I am still here learning good things in life and treating and loving people. I have hate for no other person on earth, no matter what they have done against me. That is my belief as of this day.

Thank you and what great research you have done!!!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:53 pm:

I was hospitalized and put in traction after a car accident left me with a broken right femur in 1970. Because it was such a clean break, I had a hard time healing, so after three months of traction proved fruitless, the doctor decided to insert a steel plate in my leg to assist healing. I was scheduled for surgery in 1971 at 11:00 in the AM. At around 8:00, a nurse came in and gave me a hypo. About an hour later when the doctor came in, after checking my blood pressure, he asked if I had been given a hypo. When the nurse said I had, he instructed her to give me another one. He came back about an hour later and checked my pressure again. He asked me if I had any concerns. I told him I wasn't afraid of the surgery, but that I was scared of the traction being dismantled while I was still awake. He told me that I could be put to sleep in my room if I wanted, and that's what they did. When I fell asleep, I was in my room with the traction still attached. The next thing I remember was a blinding light shining in my eyes and I could her muffled discussion. It gradually became clearer (my eyesight, not the voices), and I could see the huge light from the operating table, and also the doctor with a mask on, and two nurses. I turned my head to the left and could see another man seated at my head (I now presume this to be the anesthesiologist). I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I'm waking up and they're not done with the surgery yet!" But then it occurred to me that nothing hurt!

Then in the next instant, I was up in the right hand corner of the room, watching them work on ME! I could see the back of the doctor's head, silver side of the light over the table, the tiles on the floor and walls, everything, very distinct. Then I felt a presence directing me to go through the building where the ceiling and walls met. When I did, the outside was (of course) a tunnel. I was at the entrance to it, and the “presence” had turned into three cloud-like, ghost-like beings. I sensed they were female, and they were very calming. They reached and held me under my armpits, although it didn't feel like they were touching me. They guided me through this tunnel. It was kind of V-shaped with the bottom of the V being where I started from. The opening got larger as I headed through it. The light at the end was Brilliant, and as we neared the opening, a form started to appear. At first, I couldn't quite make it out. But as we got closer, it formed into an elderly woman, whom I instinctively knew was very kind. I could see behind her and there was a beautiful garden in full bloom with all kinds of beautiful flowers. This woman looked a lot like my grandmother (who was still alive at the time), but yet I knew it wasn't her. I tried to go past her, I wanted badly to see the garden, but she put her arm out and stopped me. She bent down and hugged me (Why am I crying as I write this part?), and without any words, she told me that I couldn't stay. She said I had to go back. I was crying then and I told her I didn't want to and begged her to let me stay. She said that something had happened and I shouldn't have been there (I often wonder now if she meant at all or just right then). She said I wasn't finished yet. She said she'd come with me and, reluctantly, I went with her, crying all the way. When we turned around we were up in the corner of the operating room again, and there were the same people in the same setting. She gave me a little push and said, "Go on, now.” I turned back and reached my hand out to her and she held it for an instant. Then I was settling into my body and then I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in my hospital room and my mom was standing over my bed holding my hand. I immediately recounted the events with her.

Several months later, when we were visiting my grandmother I noticed a picture on her bookcase and shouted, "That's the woman I saw!!" My grandmother told me that it was her mother, my great-grandmother. I guess then it all fell into place. Even though we have a rather large extended family, up to that point no one that I knew had died. She was there because I would know her and we were family. I never had the opportunity to ask the doctor, or I didn't then because I thought he would think me nuts, but it was never discussed whether or not something life-threatening happened in the operating room. Every time I recall this experience it is as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. I have no doubt that it happened. I was never in that operating room while I was conscious, yet I can describe it and the on-goings in there like it was my own back yard. I never really knew what it was that happened or why it happened to me until years later in my adult life when I saw a documentary on NDE's. I was mesmerized as I realized that is exactly what happened to me! It has a name and it happens to other people, too. I really don't feel the need to tell others, I am grateful that I experienced it, and I am thankful to you for the opportunity to express my feelings right here and right now. Thank you very much...

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:42 pm:

I was asleep and what I saw was a darkness come around me and I was scared, but then some light started to show and then hands, at first I was scared and then I was not. Then I started to see people coming to me, and they where family. Some I knew and some I never meet. They were dead long before I was born, but I knew them. I was not scared. Then there was a light at end of this tunnel, and I knew it was God in there and I was not scared. I felt at peace, but then I thought about my kid and how young I was. Then I heard a voice say, “It was not my time.” I woke up coughing and that scared me. I stayed up. I had dreams before of a gate. It was open a little bit and then the next night it was closed. This has made me not scared of death.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:41 pm:

I was in bed at night and woke up with a hot fever. I called my mother, who was trained in nursing, to get me a glass of cold water. She took my temperature and it was one hundred and fifteen degrees. I went to sleep. Early in the morning, I opened my eyes and could see the sun shining through my window. Suddenly a deep, dark tunnel opened up at the foot of my bed leading up and outward. A being clothed in bright white garments, with a bright happy angelic face, appeared at the end of the tunnel at the foot of my bed. It stretched out its arms and said to me, "Come with me and all of your worries and problems will be over.” I decided to put it to the test, as I didn't believe problems would disappear just because I was not around. I asked the being what would happen to my younger brother and sister whom I protected from my mean sadistic older brother? The being turned dark and grimaced at me and said harshly, “Forget about them, think about yourself!" I said to it, "You're not an angel"! I wasn't going anywhere with that creature. I threw up its arms, covered its face, and said "Nooooooo" as it retreated back into the tunnel, which closed up on it and disappeared. I felt very good that I was not fooled into giving up my struggle to help my family by death. I noticed later that morning that I was covered with a lot of bumps. I had the chicken pox, which was a very severe case that lasted three weeks. I have never forgotten the experience, and I have only shared it with my younger siblings whom I have gladly looked after all of their lives and most of mine.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:40 pm:

Anyway, ever since I was a child I have been able to see and feel someone watching over me. One time I was playing the piano a felt a very nice warm feeling over my shoulder I turned to see who it was and I saw a really big smile. I guess whoever it was, was proud of me at the time. As I went through school, I knew what the teachers were going to say at times before they said a word. I just sold my house and I left a ghost with it! It used to move things in my toy room, but never wanted to contact me except through a ouija board. I was able to get initials, but that was it. My hairs stood up really high so, I just let it be and played in my toy room. It would walk around in the room at night while we watched TV downstairs. I would usually yell upstairs for it to not to break anything.

Another thing that has been happening is a guy at work died a few years ago and I would see him at work playing hide and seek with me. If I told this to anyone they would think I'm nuts! I can tell you this though I haven't seen him in awhile. I think he finally went towards the light; I did tell him to do so. Another thing: I was at work and I kept on seeing red and yellow flashing lights. I left work and down the street at the corner, there was a fire at a warehouse! Leaving work, I was at a red light when it turned green. I sat there; I didn't know why until a tractor-trailer came running through a red light. Thank God for the intuition! I can go on. When my brother was baptized, the white cloth the Priest used to wipe the holy water off his forehead had blood on it and no one was bleeding. Another time one of my brothers had been run over by the family car and he was fine. The tire tracks went across his chest. These two brothers are twins also.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:39 pm:

All my vital functions had shut down. I was not declared brain dead (yet), but my family had been "prepped" by the doctors of my impending death. I had bloated to 170 pounds (normally 120); my skin was black and cold. The doctors could not draw blood because it had thickened. I was not aware of my situation. I was in the most beautiful place I have ever seen. I was near a beautiful blue lake that was as smooth as glass except for the two swans gliding through the water. At one end of the lake, a large (willow) tree leaned from the bank over the water. The grass was green and deep. The sun was a beautiful golden color and the smell was that of a warm summer day, sweet and relaxing. Then I heard the music. It was music I have never heard before, beautiful and "angelic.” I tried to distinguish the instruments, but I was unable to name them, and I realized the instruments did not have human names. Then the voices began, slowly at first, blending with the music until I could not distinguish the music from the voices. I wanted to grab my journal (that I kept beside my bed at night, so when I woke in the middle of the night with song lyrics in my head, I could write them down). I couldn't find my journal and realized that I was not supposed to relay this information to anyone else. This was something that only I was to experience. No voices spoke it to me but my "soul" understood (I don't really know what I mean by this but it is the only way I can explain it). After I realized I wasn't supposed to "explain" this to others, I realized that the music and voices were a lot like the wind in the trees, the kind of wind that isn't gusty, strong, or destructive but the kind of wind that soothes, caresses and nurtures the earth. ????

I was never afraid because I "felt" a "presence" always nearby to offer comfort but there was no discomfort. I felt safe and warm. It was as if I had been shown "what could be" and not to be afraid. During the weeks in CCU, I had many "dreams," all of which involved some decision on my part (do I ask the man in a car for a ride or should I walk?). There was always a decision to be made in my "dreams.” It was as if the decisions I was making were the basis on whether or not I would live or die. I don't really know how to explain it. I did not know until a month or so later that I was in a coma, dying. I thought I was always awake and alive, just like the day I went to the hospital. I have not told all here because it is so lengthy it would take weeks to narrate it all. But I remember very well. Can someone please help me with this? It has been three years since this happened and I have researched, talked, read. .. done everything possible to try to place some understanding of what happened to me into perspective. I believe what happened to me has gone beyond the boundaries of my religion and this is a journey I must make alone - I have to look beyond. Am I crazy?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:38 pm:

The event happened one evening in 1983. I usually take an evening walk with my dog near my house in Bangalore, India. The houses are located within a fenced enclosure about half a square mile with about 40 houses at either end and open space in between. That day, I took a walk alone and it was a little later than my usual time. I walked to a big rock about 15-20 feet high and I stood on top of it. I thought later that it was a little unusual for me to do that. I used to practice yoga about 3 years prior to that event and I do it in a lying position. But that day I did that same yoga postures standing up on that rock, which was again very unusual. After a while, I saw a light slowly rising in the evening sky from the horizon and it stopped about 30 to 45 degrees angle to the ground in the westwardly direction. I noticed that there were three lights side by side. I remember that it changed in color from orange to white or vice-versa. The next thing I remember was that I was communicating with the light telepathically. The communication went as follows: The Light: “Do you want to come now?” (There was no hint of pressure, just a statement. I then immediately thought about my mother to whom I had deep affection, and other unfinished business. ) I: “No, Not right now.” (The thought just formed in my mind. There wasn't really a dialogue. But I knew the instance the thought formed then the light was able to know it) If I had thought affirmatively, then I am very sure that I would not have continued my life in this world. I can only speculate the course my life would have taken. After a little while, the light just faded away. I then awoke as if from a slumber. Just then a dog, not my own, gave a little startled bark, after which I became fully conscious of my surroundings.

I then broke into a run as I was filled with unknown energy. I remember a car passing by on the road that connected the two blocks of house. When the car passed by me, I felt that I was nearly ten feet tall and I was towering above it. When I reached my house, I just plopped on the sofa and went into a deep trance-like state. I remember that my father, who was an extremely short-tempered person and would go into a rage if anything is not to his liking, was just looking perplexedly at me plopped on the sofa. Normally, I would not be in the same room as he was, as far as possible. But that day, I was just filled with an over-powering energy and did not acknowledge his presence at all. After that day, a lot of extra-ordinary events did take place. I had an amazing ability to heal people even though I am not in close contact with them. The world would sometimes appear to be more colorful and bright. I could feel some radiant energy flowing all around me, especially from the trees, which appeared bright and dark-green. I could feel that I was connected to a mysterious source of energy which was all around me. Of course, the energy has diminished every passing day. But I was on top of the world a considerable amount of time after that event. I would also like to mention that I did not visit doctors for any ailments after that event until this day. I let nature heal myself, or in some rare cases, have taken alternative medicines. I believe strongly in the mind-body connection. I am also a strong believer in a universal God. Thank you for giving me an opportunity to share this information. I have not shared this information with anyone, except my wife, so far.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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