I woke up in a hotel room. I traveled for a living so I reached for my cell phone on the nightstand on my left, like always. I needed to know if it was midnight or almost time to get up. I was with my boyfriend, Joel; I could tell from the snoring. We were on vacation.

I wriggled to sit up but something didn’t work. My thrashing woke Joel who turned on the light just as I fell out of bed. He came around to see if I was ok and quickly saw I was not right. He said “smile.” I did and he said, “I think you had a stroke.” 

He grabbed some pants and ran to the lobby. He returned and put my dress from the day before back on me and the ambulance arrived. Very quickly.

A wild ride later (7 Barcelona blocks) we arrived at the hospital San Pau et Croi. I went from bed to bed, then to the angiogram suite. I was an RN. As a young nurse my job was transporting patients to angiogram labs, ICU, sometimes the operating room. I’d been “in” hundreds of those rooms. I remember them moving me into the scanner and doing the first scan. The report indicates that after the first scan they sedated me for the procedure to repair the stroke. They documented initial success; then a piece of tissue broke loose and went far into my brain.

They started the procedure to remove that piece and I think that’s where I left my body. I could see the room, but I’d been in so many rooms like that. Then I realized I’d never seen these rooms from the ceiling. And the drapes only covered me to mid-thigh and the big tattoo on my right leg was visible. That’s me!  

I had no time to think about that. They were working on me and I saw a light on my left and up a bit. I saw my grandmother’s porch. And my friend, my patient, Karen was there. We moved to another location to talk. I was admiring the beautiful scenery when it occurred to me this was a construct for my comfort, that the appearance was not meaningful. I asked her, “Why you?” Of course, no actual verbal communication, all just by thoughts. She said, “You need to understand and believe and I am the person who you need to explain this.” I think parts of this memory seem to be redacted but yes, Karen was the only person who could have helped me understand.  

I asked every question about the how it works and about my loved ones. We talked until we were done. She showed me some of my next life, and in the redacted parts, I evidently decided to return. 

Unlike so many NDEs with miraculous recoveries, I didn’t get that. My left side is completely paralyzed. My memory and focus cognitive functions are rough. But my fluency surprised even my neuro specialists. But this is why Karen met me. Karen was my former patient, and she had a severe stroke that’s a mirror image of mine. Physically, I have the same complete paralysis. And where I am verbally fluent and have mostly clear speech, she was totally aphasic. She had lived the life I am living now.

I was a failed Pentecostal Christian; grandpa was the pastor and I left the church as a teenager. I considered myself an atheist with an interest in eastern philosophy. I understand Karen is a manifestation of the universal consciousness, appearing as my friend. (I can see where others would perceive Jesus or God behind the persona of Karen. But not me.) Part of my deal was to leave the first me there and I would manage the rest of this incarnation.

The stroke took away many things, but I recovered some things with time. Visual imaging was gone for 4 years. I did brain training to try to improve my memory and focus. Suddenly one night I dreamed. It wasn’t a sharp, clear dream but it was a snip of a visual image. I doubled down and got better at forming mental images and kept meditating. Bits of my NDE came back frequently, but it took years to fully remember the event, and the first 4 years were a nightmare. I knew I was missing something and when I looked in the mirror; the person who looks back at you—she was gone. I felt disconnected and deeply lonely.

I hated my life. I did all the stuff, all the therapies, hired trainers and if they said do 3 sets of 8, I did 3 sets of 8 three times a day. Counseling and group therapy, if there was a tool to try, I tried it. Recovery stopped. I told myself if I hadn’t figured out how to accept this life by 5 years, I’d check out. One day, 4 years and 10 months after the stroke, Karen came to me when I was meditating and showed me the whole thing, reminding me of my decision to return and the purpose for returning.  

Being curious I asked specifically how reincarnation works and how my upbringing on a farm, raising animals for slaughter, was going to impact my karma. Turns out, it’s intention. My animals were well treated and raised to be humanely killed and become organic grass-fed food. Perpetuation of the circle of life is no stain because my intention and my actions were to do the higher good for all involved. Whew!

My life review was amazing!  I saw the tapestry of life and the horrible beauty of its pattern. My threads were highlighted to show me the effects of my decisions, some well into the future. I saw 30+ years as an RN, but most of my review was of the small things I did outside my professional work that made a difference that I could not have comprehended. Those would be the important events against which the weight of my soul would be balanced. That wrong number I got once and listened because I felt I should? That thread in my tapestry has a special glow.

At the end I hugged my original self and left her there. I slammed back into my body and vomited. So much pain.