Vital Signs

Not Afraid Of Death, But Not Allowed To Die

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around in circles. I was separate from them though. Then I saw the light I had seen as a child, behind and slightly higher from them. I knew he was there, watching and waiting. Like before, I was curious and would begin a thought, and suddenly know the answer.

The others could not enter; their existence was between these two separate planes. They knew all there was to know of each plane. How they wanted so much to change what they had done, and couldn’t. They were fully aware of all truths and the purpose of life, of the pain their choices had created while here on Earth, against themselves and others. They were aware of the great suffering they had caused. My heart ached for them. But why was I there?

I suddenly saw my sons before me, and instantly I felt this indescribable pain. My mind became acutely aware of the pain and suffering born out of my choice of self-destruction. For my sons, for those who knew me, and for those I would never meet. I knew then this would be my existence, this place of knowing my real worth, how my actions were like stones tossed into a pond. They rippled out, crossing over the entire surface of the earth, forever affecting and changing the face of it. I will see and feel everything I had ever done and could have been. In this place I will know the truth of all things, and be unable to change, or be a part of, any of it.

I don’t know if the Biblical hell exists, but I can tell you the suffering here was worse then any description I had ever been given. To me this was hell enough. Created out of our own selfish choices. God had no need to create a place to torture us for the waste and destruction we had committed. We had enough to torture ourselves with.

The pace of those there began to move more quickly. Like they knew I was there. I felt like I had stayed too long, and now was becoming a part of this place. I wanted to leave, and half expected just the thought would free me from it. In panic, I looked back towards the light and I knew I was being given a choice. I could stay, but I would have to exist knowing what I had created. If I chose to return to Earth, I was not to ever attempt my own destruction, that in doing so, I am committing the ultimate crime against self, against the purpose of this life, against the wisdom of God.

God was teaching me a lesson about my carelessness, about the impact I have on all of life, that he was the creator, but I above all else had the power of choice to govern my life, my final destiny. As soon as I believed through my entire self, my own worth, my responsibility to life, to all those I exist here with, and finally that I would never attempt such a selfish act as my own death, I was released from the place. I returned to find my counselor in a panic,

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