I was preparing for the birth of my son via C-Section as my daughter was born the same way two years before that. Prior to the 8 a.m. scheduled delivery, I started to have contractions so they wheeled me into surgery right away. In the 80's, it was still assumed to be dangerous to have normal birth after a C-section.
I was told the anesthesiologist had problems with intubation, my larynx went into spasm and I could not breathe. I was aware of not being able to breathe; I could hear the panic in the OR, the clanging of metals, doctors screaming for a Tracheotomy tray that was nowhere to be found, and then the lights went out.
What happened was that my heart had stopped and I was clinically dead for 12 minutes, while my son was still inside of me. I don't recall travelling or moving through anything but all of a sudden I found myself surrounded by light, (I was told years later that I was an old soul and had lived over 300 lives) different colors of lights, warmth, I was aware that I was not in my body. I was aware of who I was, and also, I remember just thinking "Wow, I'm home again." It was a familiar place, the love surrounding me, cradling me, nurturing me, it was just like being away on vacation and that feeling of coming home again. You know we all take vacations or travel thinking we are going to relax? Instead we come home exhausted and tired from the vacation? That is how I felt, tired of life and glad to be home. I felt presence of all loving energy God, laughing at me and telling me "We must stop meeting this way". I was told "Look, you keep coming back but it's not your time", and it was a funny thing, not serious. I remember feeling "Damn, do I have to go back again into that hellhole?" but at the same time I remember thinking, oh well, can't argue with father.
The next thing I knew, I was suffocating, trying to breathe as if there was a straw in my throat, and I felt this horrible pain in my stomach and I was back in my body and unconscious again. This was the moment when they had brought me back to life with shocks to the heart, and then very quickly delivered my son. Milan was born 14 minutes after I had died; there was a neonatal helicopter waiting to fly him to a special hospital as they were sure he would be brain dead. I went into a coma for 10 days. Because of the nature of death, they had cut a huge incision in the tracheotomy and my lungs filled up with blood.
That event happened at 5:45 am. At 9:00, my mother said the doctor came out to tell her what happened and that she should prepare for the worst. My son, though he was delivered very blue, is an active, normal, genius at age of 32. I was told by that same group of doctors that were saving my life they had no explanation how my son and I survived. My general practitioner of 20 years told me this: "God was breathing into your lungs and cradling you both, because there is no other reason why you should be here." My son was tested for years because the medical types could not believe in miracles. But after 5 years of testing him, they finally gave up trying to find anything wrong with him. I came out of my coma in 10 days and did not have a recollection of what had happened to me until I came home with my son and then the memories started, it was a delayed memory, but very vivid and very emotional, disturbing, I could not understand what had happened to me.
I grew up in a home where there was a lot of abuse. I was sexually molested at the age of 5 by a caregiver, I was raped at the age of 12 by a man that worked for my father. Both of my parents were very abusive towards me: I believed they saw me as a mistake, and they never failed to remind me what a failure I was. As a result, I married an abuser and had two children with him. After 5 years of marriage, I left him and started my journey of searching for who I was. I knew that the God my parents told me about was not true.
Now, more than thirty years later, I know who I am; I am grateful for all the experiences I chose to learn in this lifetime. I now heal others and help them understand their pain through psychology, Energy Healing, TCM, and different other methods. I completed my last life's wish in 2004, after fighting cancer for 2 years, and returned to my country of birth. I live on this paradise island, population 1500 and met a wonderful man that I allowed to love me after so many years. What motivated me to write this story today was that I had lost a young cat, Aslan, a few days ago. Grieving his death, I finally was able to open my heart and let the river of tears flow out that I had kept all my life.
As a young child, my father would beat me and while beating me, he would tell me that if I cried, he would beat me more. Aslan brought me back memories of my mother telling me that when he would finish beating me, he would hide and cry. The reason he didn't want me to cry was because it hurt him to do what he was doing, but he was a man with no education and that is how his parents raised him. My father came back through Aslan and showed me such incredible love, that after 8 months of having Aslan in my life, he left and with him he took all those tears that I was keeping inside. I experienced another profound healing event, it's too soon to describe it as I am still in the midst of feeling it.
My lesson in this lifetime is to open my heart and release the pain I grew up with, each tear that was released opened more space in my heart to accept love and to FEEL love. I find myself crying at the very thought of anyone in my family being hurt or having troubles. But it's so incredible, because after each tear I take a deep breath and I can feel my heart lighter and that space being filled with such love and forgiveness for all those that hurt me.
I also realized that life is not about saving money, buying a house, driving a new car or wearing the latest fashions. Life is about LIFE, and honoring the living of it; about having made a contract with ourselves before we enter a body to come here; working on that contract, whatever it is. Life is about awareness of who we are, why we came here and what our purpose in life is.
I can now command the tears to fall: it is such an exhilarating release of pent up energies and thanking God for giving us this gift of release to make room for forgiveness and love. We are all so precious, so special; God does not create duplicates, but the Creator sure creates some incredible human beings. I believe the crying, the tears are a mechanism to release anger and sadness to make room for more love and forgiveness. I can only hope my children will one day understand this about me and be able to take a shortcut to finding what it is they are here for because 30 years is a long time to search for Truth.