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My Post Military Suicide Attempt - Spirals of Pain Turn to Spirals of Joy

After my Middle East deployment serving in the Navy I became very depressed and I developed psychological problems. Despite support from therapy, medication, and friends, my life seemed unbearable at the time. I chose to kill myself by means of a prescription drug overdose.

I will do my best to maintain a chronological order of events, but it is very difficult because I do not know exactly when everything happened. Recounting the last moments of physical awareness, I remember taking large doses of medications and laying in the bath tub of my barracks room. Then I felt as if I were being pulled away, and my vision was going dark. Not long afterwards, I had no idea what was happening to me. There was this feeling of falling and spinning backwards in a never ending black space.

Afterward, I witnessed what can only be described as a spiral of emotions, senses, visions all going through me at a mind blistering rate. During this time, I had a profound and very distinct feeling that I somehow was witnessing the operation of the spiritual world as a whole. (It is important to note that through every step of this, there was absolutely no sense of time or self--it simply happened.

Through what seemed an eternity of this spiral, the spiral began to morph and take shape into brief scenes. There were scenes of any and every type of violent death known to exist, and there is no way to estimate how many of these I had witnessed. I felt the pain of every single victim. It was more as if I myself were the one being slaughtered, over and over. I had no way of knowing how long this had been going on, or how many thousands upon thousands of these horrific and painful deaths I endured before it stopped.

Almost as suddenly as the spiral began, it came to a halt. I was in a state completely devoid of anything-- there was no self, no light or darkness, no sense of feeling or anything at all. All I knew was that my spirit existed in some way. After some time, I started to feel something entirely new in this journey--a warmth began to come through me. Slowly the darkness became washed away in an amazing, pure, and bright white glow. I could feel what I believed was my spiritual self slowly being placed back into my body. The most pleasurable feeling went all the way down my body. I began to recount all of the positive moments of my life, and soon after I began to have feelings of unwavering and eternal love towards me from a being above me. This was no matter of perception, it simply was, and I had witnessed it. I then understood that this loving being was about to show me how amazing and fulfilling life can be.

Another spiral-like event then occurred, but this time I was introduced to all of the purest feelings that exist. I had never been more content and full of joy than throughout this time. Soon I felt I was being pushed away from it, and that is all I can remember. The next thing I recall is waking up in the Naval Medical Center, two weeks after the suicide attempt. I had been in a coma for those two weeks, and I awoke to my mother and grandmother at the side of my bed.

Although I can recall the details of this near death experience.. I cannot explain or put into words the after effects of it. I feel that words for it simply do not exist, but if you understand my near-death experience, then perhaps you can understand how it has affected me.

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