When I was eight years old, I was attacked by two men who physically and sexually abused me. One of them wanted to drown me in a nearby river and so he took me to the river’s edge. Moments before he held me under the water, my body went into “freeze” mode and I remember giving up the fight and surrendering. He put his hands around my neck and held me under the water facing up. I remember seeing the sun from under the water and feeling an incredible sense of panic, which, within seconds, was replaced with an unlimited amount of peace and serenity.
I then found myself in a very narrow tunnel of an incredibly bright white light. I was on my back floating and moving forward, feet first. I recall feelings of absolute bliss and trying to describe this blissfulness with words would fail to measure up to this experience—maybe it was unconditional love. I also recall feelings of guilt and thinking, “I don’t care about my pets I am leaving behind and I feel bad about that.” I didn’t even think about my family. It was as if I had already forgotten them and I didn’t even care. That was the only thought I had in the tunnel because it was mainly an experience of feeling and “just being.”
I then recall reaching the end of the tunnel, which was blocked by a huge face. The face was so big that I couldn’t see the borders of the face. It was a man who had a white beard and white skin and slightly resembled Santa Claus’ face. He told me, “It’s not your time” in a voice that was nurturing. I replied, “But I don’t want to go back.” He said, “I’m sorry but it’s not your time, you have to go back.”
I don’t remember any other conversation than that. But he moved his face a little so that the tunnel was no longer completely blocked. He was giving me a peek of what was on the other side of his face. From within the tunnel I saw what looked like outer space and there were beams of light shooting around and I saw what looked like planets.
The next event I remember is I am a light shooting around in space with the other lights. I don’t communicate with them; I just shoot around like they are. I don’t care about them or feel I need to do anything with them and I sense that they feel the same—I am just “being.” I also recall seeing a planet in the distance that I felt was “home.” I had a feeling that I was from there and that earth was not my home. I also saw a light that was so big that I could only see part of it. I felt that we all came from it. It was “just being” too.
I then recall seeing my parents hear my screams as I was looking down from incredibly high up in the sky where I was drowned. My parents were quite far away but they heard my screams. I especially noticed my father running to help me. I didn’t remember how I was saved, whether my father attacked the perpetrator or not. I did remember when I “woke up” though. The first thought I had was I wish I was dead. I felt very depressed. I missed “my home” (the place where I was a light) and now earth seemed like hell to me. Perhaps because of the attack I experienced. It was not until a few years ago that I accepted being here. I even tried to commit suicide three times as a young adult to return.
I still prefer not to be here, but I know that I don’t have a choice. I know that I have a purpose—as if I have an assignment. It’s to help others come from their hearts; help them not be afraid of the unknown; and help them to see the light in themselves. There are four lessons I learned from my NDE: 1) love, 2) be loved, 3) just be, and 4) experience life. The earth is our playground! Have fun!