“Give me your hand!” a male voice said. I reached up with my right hand but the waves rolled over me again, pushing me down towards the underwater reef. I struggled to free myself from the water to find air to breathe. I was afraid I was going to get stuck in the reef and die.
February 1978, I was on a surf trip with my boyfriend in Rincon, Puerto Rico, staying at Kaunas’s Guest House. I had been staying in Rincon for about a month and towards the final days of our stay, I went with a group of surfers to a surf break, called Maria’s.
As soon as we arrived, my boyfriend jumped into the water and paddled out. He didn’t want to waste any time missing out on riding as many waves as he could fit into the day. I was new to surfing, so I took my time. The area was rocky, with a reef bottom and a rocky reef cliff sticking out from the ocean water. The cliff’s height out of the water seemed to be 10 feet tall. The currents were very strong. The waves that day, I thought, were 4 feet high. Before surfing, I wanted to see what the bottom looked like. So, I snorkeled out through the 4-foot waves. Unfortunately for me, the waves were much bigger; they were 6 feet. There was a northeast swell with a south wind blowing. The wall and the lip of the waves were thick! When I was hit by a wave, it felt like a brick wall was falling on me and pushing me down under the wave, towards the ocean bottom’s reef caves.
Nonetheless, thinking the waves were inconsistent and small, I swam out with my goal to get to the outside (past the waves rolling onto the shore) to join my boyfriend and the other surfers. After swimming over what I thought was the third wave of a 4-wave set, I discovered that the waves were still coming and getting bigger and heavier, not a 4-wave set! I was caught inside of a set of waves and being pushed further down towards the bottom of the rocky reef! The undertow made it challenging to swim and the strong currents pulled me towards the rocky reef cliff.
Suddenly, I was being bashed up against the reef cliff and trying to climb it to escape from drowning. Sea urchins were all over the cliff, their tentacles entering into me as I attempted to climb up. I didn’t feel the urchins but heard their tentacles cracking off into me. My red crochet bikini was twisted and torn in places that exposed parts of my body for more ripping up. I slide down the cliff back into the water. Another wave came and pushed me under.
I’m going to die! I was drowning; I couldn't breathe; I was choking on salt water and being pushed further and further down to the reef bottom, towards the caves! I remember thinking that if I got trapped under the reef, I would never surface to the top again. As I came back up, another big wave pushed me into the rocky cliff! I felt more sea urchin tentacles push into me. The needles stuck deeply into me as I slid back down the rocky cliff, scraping me more as I headed back into the water. The experience seemed to be in slow motion. Once again, I thought if I could just climb that cliff, I might have a chance of saving myself.
When I popped back up out of the water, choking and frantically swimming to stay afloat, a wave pushed me onto the cliff and I started climbing up the rocky reef. As I climbed, more sea urchins’ tentacles landed in my hands, my arms, my breasts, my legs and under my nails. Numb to the pain and highly alert to the sound of each tentacle breaking off into my body and the thunder of the ocean, with a rush of adrenaline, I continued to climb higher and prayed,
“Please don’t take me Lord. I’m not worthy to go now.” Reef abrasions tore into my skin, dripping blood onto the rocks as I climbed. The ocean was roaring at me. I felt it agreed with me that, “She’s not worthy,” but had concluded instead to, “Let her drown.” It seemed like forever that I continued to climb for my life. Another wave reared up. I had to get higher or it was going to take me down and under. I’m going to die for sure if I slide down again.
As I crawled up the cliff with every last ounce of energy I could muster, I prayed again, “God, please don’t take me. I haven’t done enough in your name.” There I was, hanging on for dear life trying to bargain with God to give me more time on earth.
At that moment, I detached from my body, and a cloudy version of myself was pulled straight up and out from my body through my head. I could feel the weight of my body lifted from me. My cloud-like self was then forcefully put upon my bottom in an upright sitting position on the top of an old wooden bench. There, I floated/hovered/sat above the bench on my bottom. I wasn’t touching it. I was aware simultaneously of my drowning physical body below, struggling to get away from the big wave that had reared up and was about to strike me and wash me back down the cliff into the water.
As I observed my material physical self, trying to survive, I witnessed below me, on the beach, that people were gathering and I heard a young man yelling, “There’s a woman out there drowning, caught on the reef! Let’s go save her!” As I observed my physical self, struggling for survival, I witnessed the gathering of people joining the young man. A human chain was being made to rescue me from the ocean.
Being keenly aware of this scene and also having a heightened sense of awareness of sound and warmth, I hovered in a seated position over an old wooden bench and watched an unfolding scene which included a review of my life.
To my right, there was a very long stream of warm, bluish, white-lightning-like light. As I levitated over the bench, intuitively I knew this force was in control. I remember thinking this light must be God.
My cloud-like self was shaking with fear, a kind of fear I’ve never experienced before. I was scared that I was going to be judged and found not worthy enough to go into heaven. I was fearful that I hadn’t been living my earthly life to the divine fullest! I was no saint and I wasn’t all that bad either. At the time, I didn’t know why I thought I wasn’t worthy enough to be in the company of the Divine, but years later I would find out that it was a learned adaptation from my childhood.
As the light of God was to my right, there was a tunnel in front of me and to my left. My growing-up father, Joe, was floating to the left of the entrance in a cloudy form of blues and browns. To the right of the tunnel, next to the entrance, floated Christ in a cloudy form of whites and pastel colors of pinks and blues. I felt safe with Jesus and seemed to calm down a little when I looked his way. He radiated warmth and love and telepathically let me know that it was okay. My growing-up dad seemed to be communicating inside of the tunnel with a shadowy figure. Intuitively, I knew this form was a man and they seemed to know each other, like they were friends. The shadowy figure was asking Joe if I was coming. Joe replied, “We don’t know yet,” and glanced over at Jesus. Jesus replied, “Patience, we don’t know yet. We’re waiting to see.” Joe gestured back to the shadowy figure to confirm what Jesus said.
The shadowy figure man was about the same height as my father. He was very energetic and endowed with thick Elvis-like hair with the wave in it. He went down the tunnel to inform the other beings. I could hear a murmur from the end of the tunnel from the collective gathering of beings. In harmony they asked, “Is she coming?” Then the shadowy figure came back down the tunnel and asked my father Joe the same question, "Is she coming?” Intuitively, I felt as if I knew this male entity but didn’t know from where or why. There were thousands of beings in a dark silhouetted collective form at the end of the tunnel, all coagulated together and murmuring, “Is she coming?” The group at the end of the tunnel knew me. It was then communicated telepathically to me that they are my ancestors and friends waiting to greet me. The shadowy figure went back down the tunnel to answer their question.
Projected onto a white screen to the right of the tunnel in front of me, I watched a panoramic review of my life in reverse. My story was reviewed as a black and white 35-mm movie film. It began with seeing myself drowning and seeing people coming together to save me. From there, I saw flashes of my life and childhood. The projection went by so quickly, it was difficult to focus and know what I was seeing. I remember thinking, please slow down the film. Then, the film changed to a dull color and I observed my birth and before my birth. The film slowed down, allowing me to take in more clearly what was being shown to me.
I saw myself asking to be born to my parents, so as to learn the lessons of perseverance and resilience. In the viewing, I witnessed telepathically being told by a spiritual being, “It’s time for you to be born.” I had to leave. However, I didn’t want to stop riding my white horse to be born. I saw myself as a young child,10-12 years old riding through the air. In the life review, I was a streaming cloud of colors (yellows and light tans) riding on a white horse, similar to the cloud forms and colors of Christ and my father Joe. I was aware that this projected self on the screen once lived on the other side of the dark tunnel. I saw a very long, wavy, off-white-lighted cloud-like mane on the horse. I thought, how very beautiful the horse’s mane was and how regal I looked atop the powerful horse. “Is that person really me riding that horse?” I thought. I then heard the sound of the film flapping loudly behind me as it finished on the reel and went around and around, flapping, signifying the end of the reel. Looking back, I wonder if the flapping was the sound of the waves bringing me back to my earthly reality. The beginning of this viewing was at warp-speed and at the end it was easier to focus on what I was seeing.
As I viewed the film, I was very aware of multiple events happening. There was the shadowy figure in the tunnel, and at the end of it was the collective consciousness of the beings waiting for me and murmuring in a tone-like chant, “Is she coming?” To my left, as I hovered over the old wooden bench, my father, Joe, was standing by the tunnel entrance. To the right of the tunnel entrance was Jesus Christ. He was a man in his 30’s and was floating about 2-feet off a cloud. There was the Light/God next to me, to my right, at a touchable distance. My life review was screening. And finally, I could see the scene of me drowning and people gathering to save me. I was aware of this all happening at the same time. I remember this overwhelming feeling of love and acceptance in a way I never felt. I was scared but not as frightened as when I first arrived.
As I recount this event to you, it all took place very quickly. I intuitively remembered feeling this connection to everything and thinking maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I went down the tunnel. Then I was aware of God telepathically telling me, loudly and directly, that I was to go back and teach that God does exist. The Spirit continued to tell me, “Go and prove to everyone about what you have seen and experienced.”
The next thing I remember is being thrown back forcibly into my body through my head, at light speed and God telepathically telling me, “Time is of an essence, time is short, as you know it. Go teach. I am that I am.”
I landed back inside my body with a hard jolt! I then felt the reef abrasions on my body and the sea urchin needles under my fingernails and the rocky cliff slicing open more wounds on my body. As I gasped for a breath and braced myself for the incoming wave to push me to the reef bottom once again, the young man said, “Give me your hand.”
He stood precariously bending over on a section of the rocky cliff with an extended arm and hand out to me, offering help. He was being held and supported in a chain of about 5 or 6 people, young men and two women. This was the group I observed gathering in my out-of-body experience. I reached my hand up to the young man and he pulled me up and passed me down the human chain, all the way to the white sandy beach. I remember thinking these people risked their lives to save me. I remember feeling this unconditional love and compassion for these people, out in the depths of the waves, standing on the rocky reef cliff, risking their lives for mine. I remember thinking, they are getting cut up for me.
Once safely on the beach, I remember a young woman offering me her white towel. I told her I couldn’t take it, because I might get it bloody. She told me, “It doesn’t matter; you need it more than I do.” She helped me put my red crochet bikini back in place over my breast and bottom. I was naked, bloody and twisted up in my bathing suit. I laid down on the beach and my boyfriend came to my side. I was murmuring something to him. He replied, “Don’t ever tell anyone that. They’ll lock you up in a mental institution.” I went into shock and was rushed to the hospital.
For years my boyfriend’s words kind of froze my resolve. Over the years as I experienced a few difficult relationships in my work and personal life, I believed what people believed about me at the time, not being worthy and that what I had to say was not valid. That belief only strengthened my ex-boyfriend’s warning. But my NDE was real and I couldn’t stop thinking about it every day.
Forty-five years later, when I was 65 years old, through DNA testing, I found out that my growing-up father, Joe, was not my biological father. And, before my mother’s recent death, she confirmed that. Since this admission, my “blinders” have come off and my whole being has been transformed and awakened into a more confident and self-assured human being. Knowing that I was gaslit my whole life brings healing and an understanding as to why I wore “blinders” most of my adult life and felt unworthy.
As a child and teen, I intuitively sensed a family secret. And this shadow lived strongly around my parents. Before my mother died, she said I was a constant reminder of my biological father because I looked so much like him. It was difficult for them to wake up to me every day. As I aged, the resemblance to my biological father could not be ignored. Their “pact” to never tell anyone that I was not Joe’s child was a painful one. I grew up with their family trauma, pain and emotional abandonment imprinted on my soul, which gratefully has been healed.
When I met my half-siblings, two sisters, they showed me an 8-by-10 photo of our biological father, Raymond. My NDE flashed in my mind and I intuitively knew the shadowy figure was my biological father, Raymond! A loud voice telepathically said, “That’s him!” It was not the first time that I heard that voice, confirming and telling me things. However now with more confidence, I knew for sure that the loud voice was as real as me!
Since this experience, the message I am that I am and that God exists weighs on me on how best to share it.
I sometimes see a scene flash in my mind and/or sense in my body that I know a person from a past life experience we had together. This experience was especially strong when I met my ex-husband, the father of my children, in the early 1980's.
I now believe that there is a collective consciousness that we go to after leaving our physical body and that we will be met with unconditional love and someone we know who has passed. Even if we may not recognize them, we have a connection to them, like Eben Alexander's sister and my biological father..
I know that I am always loved by God/Christ no matter how I think I might not be worthy enough. I'm now in a constant dialogue with Christ/God every day on how best to serve all sentient beings.