Newest Accounts

Suicide beholds the essence of God as love and light

I was being treated for clinical depression. I was home alone feeling defeated. I was blaming and doubting myself for everything I had ever said or done to the point of berating and bemoaning myself as an utter failure. I felt worthless, helpless, vulnerable, and starkly alone without real resources or effective help.

On the day prior to Valentine’s Day, I felt consumed by sadness. Somehow, I decided it was best that I skip Valentine’s Day so that I would feel less sad. I decided to sleep through it.

So, I hopped in my car, and drove to the nearest pharmacy where I purchased ten boxes of generic sleeping pills that each contained 100 pills. I collected the prescription antidepressant that I had not been taking for months. I removed the sleeping pills from their foil pods, and I emptied the prescription bottles. I pulverized 1,300 pills into a powder in a blender. I added the pill powder to pudding and blended them. I then ate the pudding that contained the powder from the 1,300 pills.

As I was quickly fading, I spoke aloud to God telling God that all of me was dying. I said a prayer. I do not remember what I prayed that night, but I do have a total recall of how God responded. As I spoke to God, I heard a booming male voice command me:

“You have two minutes to live. Get out of that apartment now or you will die there!”

The walls and floor were now spinning and rolling so much that I could not find secure footing to stand or walk. I crawled on my hands and knees across the carpeted floor, opened my front door, and crawled across the carpet in the hallway toward my neighbor’s apartment door. I believe I forced myself to stand long enough to knock on her door.

I asked her firmly to please call 911 for me because I was dying. I have absolutely no memory of leaving my neighbor’s apartment, being transported by ambulance, and ever being treated in the hospital’s Emergency Department.

My Visit with God and Angels

Everything around me was light and ethereal and warm and alive.
Light was clearer and brighter than I had ever seen.
Colors were beyond vibrant.
I felt no fear. I felt no pain. I felt no judgment. I felt no blame. I felt no shame.
I felt no fear here!

Profound Love and Peace permeated every being everywhere.
What I know to be the energy of Angels greeted me with the tenderest warmest energy.
I felt embraced by them. They morphed into billowy forms and surrounded me.
Their hearts glowed, radiating and pulsing with light of vibrant colors.

From my heart, which glowed dimly as well, I could sense, feel, and hear telepathically.
I sent an energy wave from my Higher Heart to the heart of the energy of the angels.
They sensed I had a question for them. I sensed it was okay for me to send them my questions.
From my glowing heart waves, I asked them if what I was experiencing was real.

The angels responded telepathically that their realm was real.
I then asked them if I was there with them meant that I was dead. They responded telepathically that my body died so my soul or Higher Heart was visiting them.

For the first time since I arrived, I felt fear, like I had known in the earthly realm, from within my Higher Heart.
They responded to my fear instantly by dissolving it for me. I felt embraced by their energy.
I sensed that legions of energy beings with the most subtle presence were sending me comfort.
I felt no physical pain here despite my having swallowed 1,300 pills.

Angels then explained to me telepathically that they would be accompanying me to a triage area where my Higher Heart could better acclimate to my body being dead.
They shared that people who passed suddenly or who experienced trauma with their passing went to triage.
Apparently mine was a violent jolt of a passing.

Angels wrapped me in the warmest softest blankets that defy human description. I settled and lay wrapped in these blankets.
I then rested listening to the gentle lovely music of the spheres. I only recall being surrounded by Angels who were tending to me. They were focused and worked precisely and silently.
They reassured me telepathically that all was well. They worked to balance my energy in my light body to start to heal my Higher Heart and soul. I did not sense other souls with me in this triage room. I had this gentle place all to myself.

As they worked, I felt safe once again.
I would say that I laid there as they floated; yet floating does not feel entirely accurate.
The Angels knew and sensed what I needed.
There was no need for me to send them messages or waves. When I formulated a thought, they heard me.
Their energy was always present with me. I rested, lying quietly, sensing that I was never alone which comforted me immensely. I trusted them. I loved them.
Their movements were graceful and their intent always benevolent toward my Highest Good.

When the Angel energies that balanced my light body finished their work, they gently departed.
I lay peacefully surrounded by blankets as celestial music filled all of my senses. There was no device, stereo, or instrument present upon which to play music. Or at least one was not visible.
Yet I knew that the music was arriving in waves that were other worldly in origin.
I sensed that the Angels’ energy would return to guide me.

Time and space that exist in the human realm did not exist in this Angel energy space.
I had no earthly idea or indicator of how much time passed. I received more love, grace, peace, and unconditional acceptance telepathically than words can ever begin to convey.
It seemed as though every part of my energy was being restored and renewed. I was starting to understand on more levels.
As I began to accept my earthly body’s passing, waves of warmth and comfort embraced me.
There was no work to be done.
I rested as music and light swirled in and around me. The waves of music danced through me.

A different group of angels then came to guide me to the next phase on my journey.
I sent thanks telepathically to the triage angels who had helped me.
For want of a better phrase, we floated as our energy flowed to another space.

The energy that appeared as cloud-like forms were more angels. They were not healers or triage nurses as the angels who greeted me had been.
These angels felt as though they had a different vibration. They likely served a different purpose, which I would soon discover.

These Angels requested that I observe and notice. I sensed that this was a space where no earthly judgment exists. Just discernment.
They advised me that it was vital that I understand or absorb this concept before I proceeded.
They assured and reassured me that all was well.
Then I was asked to practice to send fear or judgment to something or someone. I did so.

I watched them radiate energy from their glowing hearts to the fear and judgment I created.
That fear and judgment that I had sent dissolved in an instant before my eyes.
No denser energy or light could exist in me as my light body.

They asked me to observe that the light in my Higher Heart had become somewhat brighter.
It was no longer as faint or dim as it had been when I arrived at triage.
I thanked them telepathically for teaching me these light lessons.
I sensed that it was important that I grasp and apply this skill as thoroughly as I was able so that I could flow through and complete this next phase with ease and grace.

I start to feel and sense images as vibrations as they appeared before me. I asked the angels that were accompanying me telepathically if this was a life review. They responded that this was indeed my life review.
They gently advised me to feel love in my heart space. I then watched images of me flash before me.

I braced as I expected the worst scenarios and images of me to appear.
I telepathically thanked the energy as Angels when the images stopped appearing.
I sensed that I had created denser energies in my human form; yet the images did not unnerve me.
They concerned me.
I wondered what happens in this space of love and light to the images I had created.

Nothing could ever prepare me for the next phase that began to emerge!

A robe of light began forming and clothing me. All of the energy as Angels began donning similar light robes.
We could see our Higher Hearts as lights that glowed and beamed through our light robes.
Our light robes were white that was imbued with the softest palest pastel colors. They held a hint of shimmering color.
I believe that the pale color that appeared as an overlay of light on the robes indicated what our ray or role was.
Our hues and vibrations varied depending on our ray or role that we chose to assume there.

Our Higher Hearts shined in every vibrant color of the rainbow. The light glowing within my Higher Heart had intensified yet was dimmer than the Angels’ light which glowed immensely and was intensely bright and vibrant.

We proceeded as the Angels guided me to another space that was vast.
A crystal temple of light that shone more radiant than the sun began to appear before me and the Angels.
It radiated even purer energy and light. It sparkled and glittered.
I bowed my head to avert my eyes because the light was that magnificent.

When I looked up, I saw the tallest brightest luminous Angels who had formed a semi-circle in front of me.
From their circle of love and light they each beamed light and spoke telepathically to my Higher Heart.
They asked me to raise my partially bowed head so that they may address me.
As I hesitated to fix my gaze upon them, they reminded me that this was a space where I was welcome and loved completely.

They asked me to feel and breathe in the love that they were sending to me.
It took immense courage for me to behold them. I was so in awe of their beauty and brilliance.
The members of this council of Light beamed more love from their hearts to me.
They telepathically asked me just one question and looped light from their Hearts to mine as they did so.

They asked me, did you create joy during your life on earth?
I once again bowed my head.
I responded with a resounding “No!” that came from my Higher Heart.
I had not ever created joy while I was alive. Not one bit.
I thought to myself that I knew how to spell the word joy. That was as close as I would have come to joy.
It was not an emotion that I felt so it was not important to me. I never gave joy a thought.
I grasped the concept of joy but I do not think that I ever experienced joy firsthand.

Would I even recognize joy if it shook my hand and introduced itself to me? I wondered.
They enjoyed the internal dialogue I was creating.
I knew what laughter was, at least, I thought to myself.
I sensed not to judge or take myself too seriously.
I had watched as judgment stopped the flow of energy and light and made the vibration denser in the life review phase of my visit.
So, I chose to keep things as light as possible.

My closest associations with Joy were an almond candy bar or a dish soap.
I appreciated that they enjoyed injecting some levity in my inner musings to form a response.
Their question had stumped me for an instant. It was so simple, yet profound.
They radiated and sent pure love to my Higher Heart. The pure love they sent my way instantly dissolved the shame and blame that was forming in my Higher Heart toward the choices I made in my life.

They thanked me telepathically and explained that all of my choices were honored.
They asked me to lift my eyes and hold my head high.

They affirmed that I was loved by God as they sent waves of pure love toward me.

I did as they knowingly requested and lifted my head slowly to view them. This luminous
council of Angels radiated pure love that filled my entire being.
They asked me telepathically if I loved God. I responded that I did love God. I did not hesitate for an instant when I responded.
I counted that there were 12 energies as Angels on this radiant council.
They assured me that I would come to accept, become, and share pure love as they had.
I was worthy to receive and express radiant God love.
I telepathically thanked the Council and God radiating love and gratitude to them from my Higher Heart.
I beamed at the very notion that I may learn to create joy on Earth in my way in my life.

The energy as Angels that had escorted me to this temple of radiant light emerged and joined me.
We gently moved back from the awesome Council of radiant Light.
As we travelled, these angels ever so gently reminded me to observe what was absent from this space.
I watched as any energy of fear, blame, and doubt dissipated and dissolved instantly in this pure love vibration that existed everywhere.

The angels informed me that a question was forming around me in my Higher Heart.
They telepathically explained that I was faced with a choice that only I could make from within my Higher Heart.
They asked me, would I remain with them in this expanded Higher Heart energy or would I return to my earthly form?
They explained that I had agreed to terms of a Higher Heart contract that my soul had agreed to complete before I was born. We all made these agreements whether we are conscious of doing so or not.
Because God honors all choices and we reside on a planet that has free will, I had unconsciously chosen to terminate my contract years earlier than I had agreed before birth. I may have had many years on Earth that remain on my Higher Heart contract.

They explained that because I had shorted my agreement by exiting earlier than was contracted before birth, I would be able to observe everything that would have occurred during my earth life had I chosen to live to fulfill my original contract, but I would be unable to assist or intervene in any way shape or form. I would, in essence, be frozen and unable to act until the time that I reached the age of my original contract.
At that time of my agreed upon time of transition or death, I would be able to proceed freely.

Please understand that God honors all of our choices. This was a soul contract whose terms were being honored for my Highest Good toward the Highest Good of All. No limitation or punishment was ever intended, implied or enacted ever.

I felt love throughout my entire being as the Angels explained the terms of my soul agreement to me. I experienced no judgment or blame or punishment whatsoever in this expanded energy. Only love exists there if we choose to consciously connect to our source of light, energy, and vibration.

As I absorbed this information, I sensed and felt that my early shocking passing would cause my Earth parents considerable hurt and pain beyond what I would ever have imagined or intended for them.
With them in my mind and heart, I consciously chose to leave a space of pure radiating Love and endless Peace to return to Earth, whose energy was much denser at the time.

The angels explained to me that my body would not experience symptoms from my overdose, my sadness would dissolve over time, and my anxiety would heal over time.
If that was not enough, they added that I would help to eliminate depression through my ancestral lines so that we were all released from its grip and struggles.

[Depression and substance abuse were rampant in my extended families. So much so that my Dad always reminded me to be aware and to monitor my activity. Drinking and then drugging were a part of my history and likely DNA. He kindly urged me to be vigilant and find my own balance.
He was never judging anyone we knew who was struggling; he was advising me not to follow that destructive path. My Dad and Mom both helped several family members and friends when they were in trouble.
I had always remembered and I heed that advice from him. I thank him for his concern for my well-being and for sharing information that still guides me.]

They also explained that spiritual gifts that were dormant in me would now be activated. Upon my return, I would serve God and be guided.
They reminded me that they loved me as God did and gave me an energy embrace.
In my entire being, I sensed that I would now always remember my connection to the love and light of God.
I thanked them telepathically for their love and felt energy hugs from them once again.

In the same instant as I chose to return to Earth to honor my original pre-birth agreement, I found myself before the Council.
God in radiant light was now at the center of the semicircle with the same Council of Light.
There are no human words that could ever express or begin to capture the essence of God as love and light.
Perhaps, endless energy expansion?

So, I stood before them, telepathically thanking them for welcoming me to their vibrant Council once again. I felt honored to stand before them, as I felt more worthy to be with them.
God lovingly and firmly asked me if I would be of service. I responded that I would be of service with my whole Heart. I affirmed that I would love and serve God always and all ways.
I felt and sensed God and the surrounding Council rejoicing as I responded from pure love.

I asked them telepathically if I could create what I was experiencing there for myself on Earth. That was all that I chose. To feel that vibrant sense of pervasive peace within me was my soul request.
I telepathically thanked God, the Angels, and my Higher Heart self for hosting me on this visit and activating spiritual gifts within me. I had no idea what doing so meant at the time.

I told and told people that I returned awake and aware of my conscious connection but I did not arrive equipped with an instruction manual or roadmap.
I was grateful to have an active connection yet my learning process was gradual. I would encounter many obstacles along my path.

I would now have a chance to consciously create subtle joy in my own way on Earth. I would start to own my power and find and express my voice over time.
I have never felt separate or disconnected from God as my infinite source of Love since my visit.

In an instant, I returned to Earth, conscious of my connection to God as my I AM presence was activated.
My mission became to experience what I had felt in Heaven here on Earth. I chose that for myself more than anything else.

My Return

I awoke laying in a hospital bed in the Intensive Care Unit feeling groggy, weak and sore. It took me a few minutes to realize where I was and what was happening. I attempted to speak but was unable to do so as I was intubated.

Two days had passed since I had been treated in the Emergency Department and I would spend two days in the ICU, and three days in the Psych ward. I was admitted on Tuesday evening and awoke on Thursday evening. I had bypassed Valentine’s Day, shocked and hurt my parents, visited with God and Angels, agreed to serve God, and was rebirthed and returned in three days.

Whenever I choose to consciously connect to God as love, I intend that my words or actions will uplift, bless and inspire others.
I choose to expand God as love in and through me – always and all ways. I was often guided to hold space for higher God energies.
I began creating subtle quiet inner joy by serving the God of my understanding and experience in the unseen realm.

Upon my return, my God-through-me-spiritual-gifts began to emerge. I began to serve God as I had chosen and promised. I felt connected and guided as I began owning, integrating, and expressing my I AM presence gradually.

For several years, any time I saw an ambulance, which was often every day, I could sense and sometimes hear the soul of the patient. I would introduce myself telepathically to them and ask their permission to determine if they wanted God through me to assist them.
I would ask that God send them and all involved, Peace.

If their soul responded that they did choose assistance, I would then ask for God and all Heaven’s Healers, Doctors and Nurses to be present, together we would send their Highest light and energy to the patient’s whole being.

I would telepathically send blessings to the patient and to all involved in every aspect of their situation. I would gently tell them that they are loved and embraced by God no matter the human outcome. I would ask to send them more Peace and gently depart. I would then thank God for assisting me to raise the light, energy, or vibration of the situation.

I had apparently awoken from my deep sleep in more ways than just the one. It seems that God had been asking me to connect consciously. A few months into my recovery and healing journey, I was blessed to have another Divine encounter. I attended my weekly therapy session. The therapist would often discuss spiritual themes and we would explore patterns. Much to her amazement, she announced that I had a special visitor this day. It was none other than our beloved Jesus.

He stood before me radiating the most vibrant radiant emerald green light from the center of his pulsing Higher Heart. He formed an infinity symbol with the light and sent a loop to my Higher Heart which connected my Higher Heart to His Higher Heart. He was beaming as his eyes and smile lit me with the most fun playful joyous energy you could ever imagine. I felt hugged and embraced by His brotherly presence.

He telepathically sent this message to me:

You are a child of God, you are a woman of Light, and this is LOVE.

I was and I am beyond grateful. Several months later, I asked God what love was and I heard and sensed this reply that came in the form of an acronym. As this helped me to begin to apply and integrate this in my experience, I thought it may assist you as well:

LOVE = Light, Oneness, Vibration & Energy

I started a journey to discover more about the spiritual gifts that had been activated within me. So, I began reading and studying metaphysics in earnest. I felt guided to varied books, websites, and resources. After attending therapy sessions for one year, I was ready to advance so I studied applied metaphysics and completed a two-year course of study that the therapist hosted. I would spend three years among them until I was guided to move on.

I am beyond grateful to be healthy and wholly recovered. I experienced no long-term effects from the pills I had ingested. I actively maintain a gluten and lactose free existence to treat celiac sprue and related health issues.

I am now a project consultant, a spiritual counselor, and a non-denominational minister.
And a divinely perfect imperfect work in progress.

Thank you for allowing me to share part of my journey toward becoming conscious with you. I hope doing so has uplifted, inspired, informed or blessed you to continue on your unique spiritual path.

May you know that you are a spiritual being having a human experience.
May you feel that you are loved and embraced.
May you experience that God loves you just as you are.
May you live fully and express radiantly as love expanding.
May you create from your own unique space of joy.

God as Love is calling me now to serve from my connected Higher Heart in the seen realms.

So here I AM.

Share this post

Submit to DeliciousSubmit to DiggSubmit to FacebookSubmit to Google PlusSubmit to StumbleuponSubmit to TechnoratiSubmit to TwitterSubmit to LinkedIn

Connect

twitter  you tube  google plus  facebook

Share

Explore the Extraordinary