I have never really discussed my ‘near death experience’ with anyone.
Yet I’m now telling more people about ‘messages’ and insights. As one spirit recently said to me, ‘you have been here; you understand.’
The experience seemed so intimate to me, yet it did impact the people I love and those close to me.
It is now 23 years later, and I recently celebrated my 60th birthday. A defining birthday in so many ways. I retired 2 years ago, the impact being the distraction, busyness and being tired from work is no longer a road block to my thoughts.
From my early 20s, I had been seeing either a psychiatrist or cognitive therapist. Symptoms were: being anxious, depressed and experiencing panic attacks. Work had been my focus, my distraction from myself.
It wasn’t until I was in my early thirties (yes!!!! 10 years later) that it was suggested to me that I needed to ‘own’ the way I felt that resulted from never discussing a series of traumatic events from the age of 10 through to 18. I didn’t want to relive those experiences, yet I understood that sense had to be made of those events so I could move on.
In my mid-thirties the depression was crippling. I was diagnosed with chronic PTSD. At times I was stuck in the bedroom, circled up asleep. Soon I set a series of thoughts into action so I could be released from the crippling depressive tiredness and the depleted self-worth. I perceived that I had very little value to anyone.
Suicide attempt. 24 hours later I woke up in hospital in a ward of aged men, all of whom were near to passing over. I didn’t understand. I felt energised and ready to go. I was met with a person full of anger who stormed off and by 11 am that morning I was in a private psychiatric hospital. I was discharged 4 days later and commenced a new job a week later.
My near-death experience occurred within the framework of those 24 hours. I recall clearly leaving my body, being surrounded by beautiful mystical light, then being in conversation with 3 people. One was my maternal grandmother. It was clear that I was to return to body. The effect was like I had been emotionally cleansed. I had clarity, perspective and I felt energised.
The effects of this experience, I have always remained quiet about. Perhaps a mistake, as my life impacted on my wife and children (4) and the broader family. I was divorced soon after. Then came out as ‘gay.’ This presented new challenges yet I was convinced to not hide any more for anyone.
I was soon living alone. I had a new job and was feeling very differently. I didn’t understand why I was where I was. I accepted the decisions made for me. I knew deep down they were right. My family knew and lived with the emotionally disturbed abuse survivor. It was time for the air to flow around us all.
I believe that during my NDE, I confronted myself with the aid of spirits. I was given the choice to return or stay. I chose to return to complete what I needed to as a human. In this lifetime.
I could see what was behind me and could see what is before me. A clarity that set me on my path. The truth was inside me.
I became
- My intuitiveness became heightened. More than I have ever experienced. Psychic events are now part of my day.
- acutely wanting a simple, creative, dignified life. A heightened sense of beauty.
- I became less competitive, rejecting of previous limitations in my life.
- less stressed, more detached and objective.
- highly curious.
- I appear more aloof. Yet more accepting of others without judgement
- time now just seems to flow, more “in the now."
- Making future plans, I consider a much bigger picture. This was not always understood. Separating my "former" life from the present one.
- forgiveness became an essential for me to progress. My anger and depressed days were gone.
- A deep curiosity about esoteric and philosophical thoughts.
- I know I’m more than my body; i embrace the present life and beyond.
- creativity became a must.
- unusual sensitivity to light and sound and large groups
- attitudinal changes. I have changed my approach to health and healing, employment, finances and relationships.
- more spiritually-oriented and energetic lifestyle.
- The constant gazing upwards into the expansive blue sky. Also, the nights where the moon seems to speak.
Now, the effects of NDE’s fascinate me and how we have moved forward.