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Young woman dies of a broken heart but now knows her friend lives

This was mid-2016 and I was 31 years old. I remember dying...  

But I need to preface this story with a bit of back-story first, or this will not make sense. I met “Todd” at age six, as a little girl who was raised in a very abusive and neglectful family, and Todd was 21 years old. He lived next door to me in our shared duplex. Todd was my life-line, my best friend in the whole world. When I needed comfort, he came for me. When I needed love or a listening ear, he came for me. When I needed food, he fed me, and when I needed water, he quenched my thirst. I called him on the phone so many times (in the early 90's, before the internet, all I could do was call him on a dialed phone) in the middle of the night, and he always came for me. He was a huge part of my life and was the kindest, gentlest soul I have ever known.

     Fast-forward years later, through no fault of our own, and through forces we could not control, Todd was forced to move away, while I was forced to do the same. We lost contact. I wondered, as a 15-year-old child, what had happened to my best friend. We had such a strong soul-level connection. We could actually hear one-another's thoughts, no matter how crazy it may sound. If I was thirsty, I didn't need to tell Todd...He just knew it instantly, and he got up to fetch me a glass of water, without me having to speak any words on my own behalf. We had such a strong telepathic connection that I cannot justify or explain it in words. I wish that I could...I am a logical person.

     Anyway, in mid-2016, I was awoken by a voice that spoke to me telepathically. "Go to [the nearest grocery store, name withheld] and I immediately revolted against it! I still do not encourage people to listen to "telepathic voices" telling them what to do.... But in this instance, it felt important somehow and it resonated inside of my soul in a way I cannot explain in words. So, I listened. It felt "right" somehow. I got up, and I went to drive to the nearby 24-hour grocery store, thinking it was only because I needed some groceries. but it wasn't.

       I remember entering the produce department of the local grocery store after 11 P.M at night, an un-Godly hour, and very out-of-character for me as far as grocery shopping goes. Still, I felt like it was the right thing to do, even though I cannot explain how or why I knew this logically. I walked through the bakery department, the first department you enter when entering the large grocery store, and I proceeded to fill my grocery cart with a couple loaves of bread. Then I pushed my grocery cart to the "hummus" section of the grocery store, which was near the bakery department and I saw a man standing there, looking at hummus. I doubled back, for a few seconds and I felt confused. Then I "came to." I recognized this man somehow; I knew him. Although I cannot explain how! I didn't even have to see his face - I was looking at the back of his head, but still I recognized him immediately. 

       "Todd! Todd!?" I cried out as soon as I saw the back of his head. I was not recognizing anything physical; it was purely "psychic" or non-physical. I could read his energy, and I just KNEW him! He had a lot of grey hair that I wouldn't recognize, but...my own soul just KNEW who he was! Todd turned around instantly as soon as he heard my voice and he looked around until he made eye-contact with me. "Todd!" I gasped and I abandoned my cart and my purse, just to run towards him. He had no idea who I was! I ran to him and I held onto him and began to cry. I missed my best friend! He did not hug me back - he didn't know who I was!

      I pulled back and I tried to cry less.... but as a very emotional person, I still cried. I am very sensitive, and I can't help it! "Todd, it's me! It's Erin {last name withheld} your sweet girl!" He always called me his "sweet girl." He pulled back and made eye-contact with me. "Oh my God. Erin!? It's you!" He cried and when I say "cried," I mean he literally cried as hard as I did. "My sweet girl, you're all grown up!" He cried and he kept kissing my face and looking at me. "It's me!" I cried and made eye contact with him. "I missed you! Where have you been?" I cried. He held me in his arms and cried as hard as I did. "Sweet girl. It was not up to me. I sent you so many letters...Did you get them?" "No! I never got any letters! I thought you were dead!" I cried and I held onto him for dear life, he was my very best friend in the entire world! "No... I sent you so many letters and I tried to find you.... I would never leave you all alone..." He cried and held me in his arms. "I never thought you would..." I cried. 

       He brought me back to the hotel he was staying in, and I had the privilege of meeting his 2 lovely daughters and being reunited with his lovely wife, who knew me before we were forced to break contact. "Erin, I love you. I don't believe for a second that this is a coincidence. I no longer believe in coincidences. I never go grocery shopping at night. We were meant to meet again." Todd told me, and I agreed. We bonded once again, in a separate hotel room and we watched stupid American TV and made sarcastic comments about how dumb American reality Tv was, while eating WAY too much pizza!

      A day later, I was forced to say goodbye to my best-friend Todd, and he promised that we would be together again, soon. I cried, as did he, and I believed him. Before he let go of me, he promised me that he would call me on my cell phone two weeks from now. I kissed him goodbye. Todd lived in another state and had to go back home.

       Two weeks later, when I did not receive a phone-call from Todd, I knew that something was wrong...I am very sensitive, and I could feel it. I decided to call his home phone number late at night. I am a bit of an insomniac and was awake anyway, so I dialed his home phone number on my cell phone. I waited for the phone to ring, and I waited for Todd to answer. But he did not. Someone else did.

      "Hello?" She asked over the phone. I did not recognize her voice. "Hello? Is Todd home?" I asked her. I apologized for the late hour that I was calling. "Who is this?" An older woman's voice asked me. "It's Erin." I replied oved the line. "Erin?" She asked aloud. "I know who that is," I heard a woman's voice say in the background. It was Todd's wife. She took the phone from the older woman. "Hello?" She said over the phone. "Is Todd home? He should've called me by now.... I know it's late..." She sighed and paused before answering me. "Erin, I am so sorry. Todd passed away." She told me through tears over the phone line. I was in shock. "What!?" I cried. "I am so sorry," she told me over the phone, and I felt like I went into complete and total shock. "No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault!" I told her and then I hung up the phone. I couldn't actually handle the pain of reality in this moment. 

     "What!? My best friend is dead and gone!? No!" I thought to myself. I couldn't seem to handle this much pain.... I went into shock and could not accept that my best friend in the world was dead. I dropped to my knees on the floor of my bedroom and I rolled over to my left side and began to scream and cry hysterically. Then I heard my cell phone ring. I answered it. It was Todd's lovely wife. "Erin, Todd loved you very much and he would not want you to blame yourself for this," she told me over the phone line. I often blame myself for things that aren't my fault, like many people who were raised in abusive homes tend to do. "I am so sorry..." I cried over the phone-line. "Me too, honey," she told me. We both cried, and I hung up the phone. I was in shock. "He couldn't be gone, for real, could he!?" I thought to myself. I immediately deleted Todd's phone number, because I couldn't bear to see it on my phone again! I went into shock for several minutes and I rocked back and forth in pain on the floor. I told myself that it wasn't true. But....I was lying to myself.

         After several minutes the pain of reality hit me like a thousand bricks striking me in my chest - I couldn't handle the pain! I was crushed. "No, this isn't real. It's not true." I tried to tell myself, but I couldn't actually stop reality from creeping up on me. I was at once hit with so much emotional and, dare I say, spiritual pain, that I could not catch my breath! "He's gone. He can't be gone. Come back!" I cried to myself as I rocked back and forth on the floor of my small bedroom. "He cannot be gone. We just found each other again. This is so wrong!" I cried. Then I lost it - completely. I cried so hard I could not breathe, I could not think - I could not exist as a human being anymore. My best friend in world was gone .... and why? For what!? I felt so angry inside and so helpless! 

     I cried hysterically and I tried to stand up, but fell to my knees again and I screamed at the top of my lungs for about 20 minutes until I felt like I might die of a broken heart. And then.... It happened. At the age of 31 years old, with a healthy heart...I literally died of a broken heart. I can remember hearing stories of this happening, but I never believed it was possible until it happened to me. It is possible, and I am telling the truth.

     I remember dying, because I did. I died of a heart attack, and this is what it felt like: I felt a sharp stabbing pain shooting down the left side of my arm and at the same time, I felt a very sharp pain shooting through my heart and entire chest. It was a very heavy, crushing pain. I felt very sweaty, panicky and out of breath. I felt like I was having an asthma attack (I also have asthma) and I could not breathe! It was so horrible! I was in so much pain I didn't even try to breathe. I wished to die, in this moment. I felt pain.... everywhere and in this moment, I simply wanted to die so the pain would end. I loved my best friend Todd so much, I could not imagine living without him again! And why should I?  I was terrified and in so much pain; I could not understand why I should I continue to live. If you have never loved another human being this much, you will not understand. It feels like you'd rather die than exist without them. It's so awful! I decided that I'd rather die than live without my best friend in the world! It didn't matter and I didn't seem to have any control over any of this!

     I can remember holding my left arm and crying out in agony. If you have not died from cardiac arrest, I don't recommend it; it is agonizingly painful. But, in this moment, I felt like death was my only option, so I let my body go limp and I let the pain overwhelm me, and I knew in my soul that I would die soon, within minutes. I held onto my left arm and I surrendered to the pain. I let go.

        The next thing I can remember is standing outside of my body and being in shock, once again. I was very much alive, standing outside of my dead body. It was very frightening, actually. I was standing over my dead body, looking down. I looked at my dead, lifeless body and my eyes were open and a bit glazed over. My body was completely lifeless. I wondered what was happening! Then I realized.... I was dead. I remember dying. I felt nothing but an overwhelming urge to.... stay "dead". "I don't want to be alive. I don't want to be here!" I cried out. I looked down at my lifeless body, and I cried out to so many beings standing around me. There were maybe thirty or so people in the room with me. They felt like loving angels, but they looked like very tall human beings, to me. They were very beautiful. I felt like I knew them before I was born.... but I had since forgotten them! Did I know them before I was born? I felt like I did, but I cannot explain how!

     I looked down at my lifeless human body again and I did not want to go back into this body....why? Because as soon as I "died," I felt my human soul enter back into....what I can only describe as unconditional, endless LOVE. I felt like I had lived before I was born, like I would live again, and that I had existed since.... forever - for eternity - before this moment. I made eye contact with a tall male human who made eye contact with me. "I'm not going back in there [my human body]," I told him. He looked and felt sad to me, and he was crying, just like I was. "We love you so much. It is not your time to die yet, you have to go back. We are so sorry!" He told me. Then I felt a feeling of acceleration in my stomach and I felt very nauseous, like I might throw up, but I didn't. I heard loud sounds that sounded like "Pop-Rocks" candy and felt tremendous vibrations. I blinked my eyes and found myself back inside of my physical body.

     "No! NO!" I screamed and I rejected this - I needed my best friend again...I needed the unconditional love I felt just moments ago, to survive! I couldn't stay alive anymore! I've struggled with depression my whole life, and this was the worst moment of overwhelming pain that I've ever felt in my entire life. All of the heaviness returned to me with my body. I just wanted to feel the endless, unconditional, infinite love I had felt just moments ago, when I was "dead." I felt all of the pain just disappear, moments ago. But now it all returned again. So I cried out in agony, and then I felt terribly sharp and painful chest pains once again.

     Since I'd just been through this, I knew that I was dying from cardiac arrest yet again....perhaps from a "broken heart" and I was OK with it. "I don't care," I thought to myself, and I once again surrendered to the pain. I could not imagine surviving in this much pain. I felt like a heavy blanket of anguish and pain was lifted off of my soul as soon as I "died" just moments earlier, and I wanted to go back. "I miss you Todd. I want to be with you." I found myself saying as I watched my body die, once again.

     "I love you more, sweet girl. Please stay alive," Todd told me. It was his voice; I would recognize his voice and energy anywhere. He spoke to my soul, and I resented it. "Easy for you to say, jerk! You just left me here!" I cried, and I surrendered to the pain and I died from cardiac arrest yet again. I was happy to. "No, sweet girl, I love you, I will love you forever. I have loved you forever, but it is not your time to go yet," Todd told me. Even though I could not see him, he spoke and his words resonated inside of my soul.

       I can remember startling back awake, alive inside my body once again and I felt angry and I resented it. "I love you, sweet girl. I have loved you forever, and I will love you forever," I heard Todd tell me. I cannot explain how I could hear him, I just...could. And how could I actually argue with that? I could feel him crying perhaps harder than I was. I can remember falling asleep that night, and sleeping off and on for 4+ days on my bedroom floor. I cried and grieved for my best friend Todd for days, and after 5 days, I finally got up off of my bedroom floor and I showered. I can remember hearing Todd tell me in words I could feel and hear inside my soul, "Tell our story. It matters." And I promised that someday, I would.

      To this day, I cry for my best friend Todd, but I also understand that we will be together someday, like he has promised me. I feel like we humans are born here on earth for an important reason...I cannot tell you what that reason is - I do not know. But I feel like we have existed before we were born and that we will exist after we die. I share my story because I want other people to know that their lost loved ones still exist somewhere and that they are OK. I share my story because I want other people to know that no matter how alone they might feel in life...they are not completely alone. I promise there are "others" who have loved you before you were born, and love you now and who will love you after you die - just as much as Todd loved me. I share my story because I want people to know that if they are suffering from the loss of a loved one, they still exist and you will be reunited with them once again because love is eternal and it never dies. Your "lost" loved one is not lost at all and they are OK, and they still LOVE YOU. We all existed before we were born in these human bodies, and we will exist for eternity after these human bodies die. Please share my story. I'm sorry this is so long.

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