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There is no "I" since five NDEs from age four

I am from Germany. English is not my native language. So it could look a bit silly or simple to you.

Let´s go now...

The first experience was in the age of four, I fell into a muddy dig near the seaside. My body was sinking into the mud, I flew into a calm grey, I began to dissolve. A few seconds later my dad grabbed my neck and pulled me out. I found it funny being allowed to bathe in the sea immediately after this. :)

The second time was not so nice. Spirits with good intentions asked me if I´d like to be like this now or if some enhancement would be preferred, even if it would be stressful.

It was preferred to feel some enhancement, the spirits looked calm and clean and as if they feel more love than I. In the real world a not so nice time as a technician for military equipment was finished. Some people wanted me for an exciting job which would cause lacks to the clients. Not me, I denied this and had a very hard time with fears.

In the night after denying and moving away from these people some spirits showed up in the night, but not lead by the nice one who invited me. Questions about wanting this enhancement lead to other questions I did not understand, about saying "yes" to everything and so on, then a question about dying and making other people die. "I´d prefer to die as to do this to others!" was my answer. One of the spirits looked to the others, one was nodding, others doubted. The actor took a knife and pushed it into my spiritual belly. Something of me died, it looked as if most of my energy, the spiritual body and skin dissolved, as if there were nests of clothes and skin and half of my head in shreds. The world began to look unreal, like if a calm wind blows through the walls. My body felt a bit unreal, there were no borders around "me".

In the first days it looked like I thought faster and better but I did not accept some of these never-explained experiences. After this thinking it looked as if it was forbidden to think faster and better and I felt ill treated with this bumbling, amateurish procedure. Sadness, fears about being crazy and absence of love. The most disturbing spacy feeling about no borders and nothing to lean on was around me every minute for years, but more calm was experienced after the first six months.

Should I use hemp to enhance this, to make it better? There were thoughts about it and I tried to buy something in a location I never visited before. I was a bit of a pain in the ass for these people, they did not trust in me and one of them showed me his pistol, came near to me. So the third near death experience happened with feeling that time freezes, that I am out of the body, that worried people, worried spirits, surround me, watching what happens next. Words came out of my mouth: "You don´t have to be worried, I never would try to take anything from you." The situation calmed down and there was no second try for enhancement in this way.

What to do with this loneliness... Flying gliders is possible here in clubs, and there are many.  Five years after the brutal try to enlighten me the next near-death experience happened. At the end of the summer there was a flight show and experienced pilots got a chance to fly historic gliders. The people who helped to start the gliders by a powerful motor winch and a long steel cable were not so experienced with this fragile glider for low speed. So they pulled me and the glider I was in with 120 km/h, when only 60 km/h was allowed. I sat on a small wooden chair below a wing of cotton and thin wood and it began to make noises.

My view altered slightly. A female spirit nearby shouted: "He´s coming NOW!" There was a happy feeling to see that time freezes again, so nice to see, so familiar, the right way to see it... Other spirits came to this event. A lady with sorrows: "This will go fast, not so long time (of sorrows)." I denied without words. An older spirit smiled a little bit proud about my attempt to resist: "When you want to stay here you have to do something NOW!" and I knew that there was no time to talk anymore. It was a bit stressful to alter my sight inside the body, going to the normal flow of time and pull the trigger immediately to release the steel cable who pulled the small flyer with immense speed. The cable flew away, the glider jumped up ten meters more for a short try to make a looping. I pushed it down, forward and landed 30 seconds later, as good as possible. The whole day I had feelings not to belong to this world and silent spirits were near to me, unseen.

The feelings of "no border, unreality, spacy" disappeared slightly during the next years.

I wrote this text after reading an older book from "Kenneth Ring" about "Experiencing the death and winning the life" in German. The author wrote about IANDS, then I found iands.org in internet. There were some theories in his book about what it needs for an experience of near death and some theories about rising Kundalini. After these experiences I see that having one of these experiences requires no injury, it could happen when there is a belief of dying or serious danger.

After these experiences I was not in a mood for religions or eastern rites about meditation or kundalini. Thoughts about "Things happen" let me stay away from this. Another thought appeared about the brutal try to enlighten me that they pulled away some energies from this body, maybe not enough energy nearby or inside for rising kundalini energies.

In this ring-book (ha ha) I read about sensations of immense and universal love, experiencing the whole universe and all time. All these things did not happen to me, or in a very calm and unexcited way. So I´d like to go for this, but how, when no "I" is felt? Any ideas, invitations, suggestions?

Let me tell about one more of these experiences during my way to experience more enlightenment: I began to read and ask about it. There was a strong restricted forum who talked about unleashed liberation when it is seen that separate "I"is an illusion. Points of view, rules, limited ways to do things. Anyway, something happened when being asked some questions. It began one year ago with painful dreams about dying in brutal ways. I could not escape these dreams, but I could see that they are less painful the second or third time. Then I tried to experience one or two of them, trying to do something needed and they did not come back after this.

After a few weeks of questions about nonduality it was seen that there is no border between hand, table, outside the window and no border between an "I"... Something around me got hurt and died, so it looked this time (even if all sensations may be illusions). Then there was the point of view that there is no "I" to find inside or outside the body.

The experienced guides found it acceptable and enough, then I began to guide for a while with the usual method and results. I would like to study some experiences and I also would like to catch up some clients maybe, who worry about their experiences and need some release.

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