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Mommy, why didn't you keep me?

In 2015, I was diagnosed with adenocarcinoma of the cerviix.

I had to undergo three surgeries, all within an 81 day period from the first surgery to the final surgery for treatment. The first surgery was on 5/4/15, and was a laparoscopy to remove endometriosis. My second surgery was a cold-cone biopsy for cervical cancer. I elected to stay awake for this procedure which was done on 6/22/15. Then came the third surgery which was the hysterectomy on 7/24/15.

On this fine day in July, I was beyond prepared to undergo this procedure as I was in so much pain and discomfort constantly. I prepared for the surgery in good spirits and had a very positive frame of mind. Due to my condition, I was bleeding abnormally and was just relieved that my suffering was going to come to an end. My sister had driven me to the hospital and I was dressed in a black skirt and a white shirt with black roses. i aspired to find a shirt with black roses as it symbolized the era of a new beginning.

My sister prayed with me and escorted me to the surgery check in center. She then proceeded to work and I remained in the waiting room until I was called back for pre-operation preparation. As I was lying in the hospital bed, preparing for this hysterectomy, I was elated to know that after two years of profuse bleeding my "gynecological nightmare" was going to finally cease. At the time, I was going through a divorce and my husband and children were not on speaking terms with me. That alone in itself was difficult to endure, as I was motionlesslely beside myself as a mother. However, I knew I could not give up hope and that God was by my side throughout the entire process.

The nurses had come in and I had signed all of my consent forms and surgery related paperwork.The registering nurse that had me sign my consent form had indicated: you are signing over your rights to have any more children. Tears began to stream down my face as I was thinking about the child I had aborted of my own free will. She was inquisitive as to why I was crying while signing my name. I proceeded to tell her. "The fact that I had an abortion was lingering on my mind." I indicated the guilt is consuming me and I am very sorry for being so emotional. She was very compassionate and put her arm around me assuring me that I was going to be OK.

Immediately after she left, I prayed as hard as I could asking GOD for forgiveness and to help me abolish the guilt of 4/26/10, the day I "lost" my baby. Within minutes, I became increasingly  petrified because the anesthesiologist walked in and began explaining to me the effects of anesthesia. I explained to him that the last encounter with anesthesia in 1998 was an intersting one. I expressed that I was combative when it came to anesthesia and when the mask was put over my face I would try and fight the medical staff. I indicated that in 1998, I had punched the nurse in the face as I remember being intubated. Just the thought of a tube going down my throat overwhelmed me. I jokingly said, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE give me some sort of a sedative or relaxing medicine prior to being transported to the actual Operating Room. I began laughing and said, I dont want to have to punch anyone in the face! Please ensure that I am nice and calm and all will be well. He laughed and said, "as long as you don't punch me in the face, we will give you an anti-anxiety medicne that is similar to Valium, but stronger. I then received my IV Sedative.

At this time, while receiving my sedative, my Operating Gynecologist comes in by my bedside. he greets me with a handshake and says, "Well, Tammy, today is the day you have been waiting for!" I enthusiastically replied "Yes, NO MORE BLEEDING! I also threw in a joke and said...woooo hoooo the price of stock for maxi-pads will decrease to an all time low!" "If any of y'all medical practicioners have stock invested in a maxi-pad company, liquidate and sell it now because i made the maxi-pad industry rich." My DR chuckled and said, "you are going to do just fine during the procedure Tammy." The reality of being transported to the Operating room began setting in. I looked over at my DR and said, "DR, TAKE THE DEMONS OUT, THE PAIN, THE BLEEDING, AND THE MEMORY OF A UTERUS THAT ONCE HELD A CHILD THAT I ABORTED." They began transporting me to the operating room.

As I am in the operating room, I was slowly feeling more and more relaxed. The anxiety medicine had set in even more and they were getting ready to administer the anesthesia. To this day, I have to commend the staff, as they were able to put the mask over my face without me even knowing. They had conned me into laughing by making funny faces. The next thing I knew, I was out and did not remember anything at all.

As I was coming out of the anesthesia is when my NDE began. The sounds, smells, and sights were amazing. Moreover, the "spiritual feeling" within me was literally breathtaking. To start, I was standing on what resembled a number line. I was wearing the same outfit I had worn earlier that morning when I checked in for surgery. A short black skirt and a white sleeveless shirt with white background and black roses. While standing on this number line, directly in front of me was a carbon copy outline of myself. I couldnt believe I was staring at myself without a mirror present! This was my own soul staring at my physical body and my own physical body staring at my soul! The carbon copy soul of me was completely silent and still, yet surrounded by the most beautiful white light. Red question marks were surrounding the top of my head.

As for the number line, (my physical body) I was standing at a perfect zero with the ability to be able to see, hear, feel, think, and smell at such a heightened level. I am going to describe each side of this "number line" very descriptively beginning with the left.

On the left side, I saw complete and total darkness. During this period of darkness, I had an entire life review of everything that I had done that constituted as disobeying the ten commandments. These visions were very brief flashes of everything bad I had done in the eyes of God. I had seen the abortion of my child, extra marital affairs, stealing as a teenagaer, not honoring thy father and thy mother, and just everything bad I had ever done. I was also given the ability to feel every emotion that  the people I caused hurt to had felt. The life review was presented before my eyes so vividly and abruptly and I stood there in genuine shock. The flashes of my wrong doings were before my eyes at a speed that cannot be measured on Earth!

Suddenly, I began to feel extreme heat beginning to rapidly heat the entire left side of my body. By comparison, the temperature of this heat made a furnace appear cold. After the life review of my wrongdoings, I saw two flames in the shape of a human figurine appear. These enflamed figurines were standing at approximately a 45 degree angle, to my left, and screaming in pain. The smell of buning hair and decayed burnt flesh began to fill my nostrils. I could then see a clear image of the two "burning figurines." One was my soon to be ex-husband and the other was his father. Without making disparaging comments, both of those gentlemen had beliefs of their own, as well as having done their fair share of wrong doings. The biggest emotion that came over me was absolute and total fear. It was there in that moment I realized God was trying to illustrate a warning of some sort. I was a liar and an insensitive woman that had no regard for anyone and their feelings. Completely and totally hot tempered and simply did not care whose feelings I hurt. I had seen how much the error of my ways had an impact on everyone. Needless to say, after that vision there was a brief period of darkness that lasted less than a minute.

At this time, my physical body was still standing on what resembled the number line. The whole left side had gone completely dark as I was looking at my own soul.This tme, my physical body was facing the right side of the number line. On this side, there were so much light and beautiful flowers. There was no foul smell, nor was there any heat. On this side, I had seen a "non-existent" side of my life.

I saw a distinct vision of a tall man standing at a 45 degree angle with a young girl that was between the ages of 4 and 5. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. She had long black hair and she resembled me and the man I had an affair with. My soul began to be filled with unadulterated bliss as I stared at this beautiful girl. She greeted me and said, Mommy, why didn't you keep me? It was in that moment that I felt as if that was my aborted child. I explained to her, because Mommy made a mistake and she is very sorry and loves you so very much. There is not a day that goes by that I dont think about you. I have asked God to watch over you. I said Mommy made a mistake and got preganant with you when I was married to another man. I asked her, do you forgive me baby? She said, yes, Mommy, I do but you need to change. I said, why do you say that? She said, because Mommy, you treat people mean and have to care about what they think. I cried as I heard this beautiful girl utter these words. In that moment, I could feel the sincerity in her innocent voice and was rendered still because she was correct.

The figurine of the tall man standing alongside her was a mystery. I had never seen him before at all. He was wearing an aqua ice-blue dress shirt and was holding a box shaped device. All I remember from this device is a sapphire blue button on the right side and a red button on the left side of this device. This tall handsome "mystery man" telepathically communicated with me. I then began to see flashing visions of him and me together laughing. I saw visions of him and me riding on a bus together and looking outside the window together. As we looked out the wondow, there was a lake with the most beautiful birds I had ever seen. However, it felt as if I was going to find this man at some point. The little girl (my daughter ) said...Mommy, are you going to change if we bring you back? I said YES, I will. She said Mommy, you HAVE to change and we will send you back. I said, i promise. I will get re-baptized to wash away the spiritual pain once I return. I looked over at the tall mystery man and said...take me back. He then pressed the blue button labeled "SEND BACK".

As I was being sent back, the vision of my daughter and this mystery man disappeared. The carbon copy across from me (my soul) had traveled towards me and jumped back into my physical earthly body. As my soul was merging back into my body, I saw a brief envisionment of me in a wedding gown marrying a younger man with brown eyes. My soul was now completely in my body. I then felt my physical body awaken from the anesthesia.

After fully awake, I  was covered in sweat! I had asked the nurse(s), why am I sweating? None of them could reply and they were astounded. I then asked, where is my hospital gown? they said as you were coming out of the anesthesia, you took it off? I said what? The nurse(s) said, yes, you took it off, then we tried putting a cotton gown on you and you took that off too. I said what, why? They replied with you kept saying.. 'THE HEAT, THE HEAT, ITS TOO HOT!!!! They said, we werent going to fight with you anymore so we just gave you an extra blanket to cover up your chest and so your breast would NOT be exposed. Needless to say, I was beside myself and managed to ask for my phone hours later so I could take a picture of me laying in the hospital bed and capture this once in a lifetime day to hold as a memory for the rest of my life.

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