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My Babies

I had surgery to have my tonsils removed in 2009.  The surgery, I think, was pretty unremarkable.  

As I was in the recovery room, I remember the machine (I assume the one that measures blood pressure, etc.) started beeping.

I just remember seeing myself from above, positioned in the corner of the room. I knew it was me on the bed, and it was like I was just watching myself matter-of-factly like "Ok, there I am." Not scared or not even questioning what was happening. I can't describe the feeling, just complete love and satisfaction. You can't describe it with words really. 

As the machine started beeping, one of the nurses ran over and shouted "Come here, quickly!" to the other nurse in the room. All I can remember is this sudden  thinking "no, I've got to be here for my children (then three and one years of age).  As soon as I thought that thought, I was back. I remember saying "my babies" and the nurses said "It's ok, you're ok." I felt relieved and must have gone back to sleep as I later woke up in my room. 

I have thought this over and over, people telling me lack of oxygen, drugs, etc. would have caused it. But how come all this happened?  And the second I thought about my kids and that I needed to be back, I was back in my body and awake?! I never saw a tunnel or lights, or beings. But I know what happened, and I know none of it is made up.

I have since tried to make sense of it all, but I don't know if I ever will. I am not afraid of death itself anymore, but I need to be here for my kids. That is my job. To love them and teach them how to be loving, helpful and spiritual human beings

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