I went to the dentist for my usual 6-month cleaning with an unusual amount of anxiety that day, knowing that my irritated gums would be a cause of great pain. So upon arrival,
I asked the hygienist if it was possible to get some gas to calm my nerves. I told her I hadn't had it since I got my wisdom teeth pulled at 17 years old, but had no ill effects at that time. So she agreed and we got started.
Everything was going great. I was relaxed, wasn't feeling the cleaning, had total control of my body. She was talking to me and I heard the music playing, the tools clanging against my teeth, and the suction humming away. But then suddenly I started being pulled. Quickly. And I immediately thought, "Oh no! No, no, no... No, I'm dying. I have to tell her. Something's going wrong." But before I could get a word out, I felt and heard a click. There was silence and the most black darkness I had ever seen. Black doesn't describe it. It was devoid of color - not even black. It was just BLANK. And I suddenly realized that my body was gone. There were no breaths moving. I couldn't feel. And I couldn't get to it. My thoughts started racing. "I died. I died and... No... This isn't right. I have to get back there. I need to get back to it before it's too late." Then I heard an echoing voice. It was screaming frantically. It sounded like my voice, but much younger. There was no one there, nothing there - complete emptiness. But the voice - it said "Hurry! Hurry! And tell her no more gas. You won't make it next time." I started to panic, and the voice continued to echo so loudly. Then I was surrounded by grey light and speeding so fast that when I crashed back into my body, I gasped so hard for air that I actually leapt up in the chair. Suddenly I heard the office music again.
The hygienist said my eyes opened wider than she thought was humanly possible. And I immediately said, "Turn this off," as I removed the mask. She chuckled, and said, "Oop, guess we went a little too high there." I said, "You didn't realize I wasn't breathing?" She shrugged it off as though I'd just been "high" on the nitrous. But I think she was covering so as not to be sued. I asked if she had turned it up at any point and she said, "no." So, I knew there was no reason it would have been fine through most of the cleaning, and then so dramatically different when I went to that dark place.
When I left, I could still hear the echoing voice. She seems to be trying to tell me something. I still hear her, and I still feel like a piece of me is still there.
Being back in my body feels very different now. Like I'm aware of my body as being simply that. Like I realize now that I "am." And that this person I am in this body, has really very little to do with me. It's like wearing a costume. An uncomfortable one.
But now I'm petrified of death. As a Christian, I believed I was ready for death. I believed Jesus would walk me into his kingdom and all would be bright and warm and love. This experience was nothing but dark anxiety. It was nothing but me and my panic. There were no angels, or family members, or tunnels, or white light. And that has changed everything for me, spiritually. Obviously my beliefs on how we go to heaven have been completely wrong! Or my belief in my goodness
Whatever I experienced, has profoundly changed me. I do not feel human anymore. I feel like a spirit using a body to grow, so I can be sure not to go to that black place ever again. And whoever it is that's yelling and echoing to me, they must be trying to help me avoid it as well.