October 6, 2014: My 15-year-old son committed suicide.
I was called and drove to him and participated in his resuscitation. I am an ARNP and have worked in an emergency room for over 20 years. I have seen death and worked on many persons who were dying. This did not prepare me for the day I would be deciding to stop resuscitation of my youngest child.
October 9, 2014: I was sleeping at a friend’s home. I had a very vivid dream of my son. He was around age 3. I could see that he was standing with a very bright white light behind him. I sensed this light was safe. It was very bright, but I could look towards it with no difficulty. I could not make out my son’s face, only saw a black silhouette, but knew it was him. I could hear in my head him saying “I am sorry”. He was not speaking, but I heard it telepathically. I was confused and said, “Just get in bed, it is okay cha-chi.” He kept repeating, “I am sorry.” I awoke feeling sad but blessed that he was letting me know he is okay, and he did not mean to commit suicide. I had no history of having similar dreams or having feelings like I did after that dream. I was actually feeling peace, but sad. I felt strength to face this life without my son because of this dream. I felt reassured he was okay.
October 11, 2014: Sitting in room waiting to go into the funeral service. My brother and my oldest son were sitting with me. I was looking at the wall and noticed the word “Alex” was written in black marker. I stared at it and noticed it showed the letter E backwards. When my son was learning to write his name, he would write the letter E backwards just like this. I asked if my brother wrote on the wall. He denied and looked at me strangely. I stood up and went to the wall. I looked and touched the wall. The lettering disappeared. It startled me, and I sat down. I did not feel like I am losing my mind but wondered what is happening to me.
Later in the afternoon, I was in the home speaking with my son’s Dad and his Mother. I was looking out at the trampoline and watching family kids jumping. I was standing in a doorway between the kitchen and family room. As we were talking, I felt like one of the kids went into the family room. I did not look back but was sure it was my nephew Kyle. I heard a note played on the keyboard and then stop. I turned around to let Kyle know he could play with it, but there was no child. I looked at the trampoline and Kyle was jumping. There was not enough time for him to come into the room, hit a key and then go back out on the trampoline. The property is a half-acre and the trampoline is on the very back part of the property. The keyboard was not even plugged in. I looked at the others in the kitchen and both had heard the keyboard. I could not make out the note played. My son had been teaching himself how to play the keyboard before his death. He was musically talented and played multiple instruments.
March 2015: I had another lucid dream. I was walking with my brothers, when my son came up to me on my side while we were walking. He was 15 and smiling. He looked so happy and healthy. He telepathically commented how he liked the house I bought, and he thought my ring was “big.” I asked that he come with us; we were walking towards an elevator. His smiled faded and he left, turned around after getting into another elevator, and he looked disappointed when his doors closed. When I woke, I felt like it was not a regular dream, but something different. It was so vivid and so real. I had just moved into a new home and had just gotten engaged. Although the look on his face made me sad, I also felt comforted that he approved of the home and my engagement.
April 2016: I woke from a sleep, or so I thought. I was about 4 years old and sitting on the side of the bed. I was in a pitch black room. I knew there were others in the room. They were having a discussion. I could not see them. I heard one voice saying, “Yes, it is time; yes, it is time for her.” This voice was saying it with happiness and eagerness. The others were more serious, and I could tell they were thinking. I knew they were older, some much older than me. I could not tell you who they are, but that I knew them. You could tell the one voice I could hear really wanted it to be “my time” and was eager to have this event occur. I had tears and I was swinging my legs off the bed, just waiting. I was happy, nervous and sad all mixed together. I was thinking that either way they decide I would be okay. I felt impatient. I was, in my head, wishing they would hurry. Suddenly, I felt the answer and then woke up, realizing I must have been sleeping this whole time.
A few weeks later, I was going into an exam room to see a patient. The patient was a child and the Mother was in the room. I went to look into the child’s left ear, when suddenly I was lying in a black room. I felt so content lying there. I could hear noise. It sounded like a party. I was thinking I wish they would be quieter because I am having the best nap I have ever had in my life. I did not want to get up, but the party made me curious as to what they were celebrating. I got up and saw a blurred wall of purple and gold. I could not see anything on the other side, but I grew convinced that this party was a good time, and I went to walk towards it. At that point, I opened my eyes to see the patient’s Mother looking over me. She was telling me that they called 911. I could not talk but could tell that I just came from something and now I am back on earth. I felt instant pain and nausea. I never moved and remained confused as to what was happening to me. I was taken the hospital. There is no reason found for this sudden syncopal event. I had no warning. My blood sugar was normal. I had no palpitations or chest pain.