When I was 18, I was contemplating suicide. I was drinking and drugging. I would do things like pull my car out in front of big trucks and
let them just barely miss me. I was reckless and desperate. I would spend hours in bed staring at the ceiling. I hated school, I hated being broke and I hated the idea of getting another job. I had had many jobs already and was not at all looking forward to working for the next 40 or so years. My mother was condescending and unhelpful and my father was already going senile and didn't understand anything I was going through. I was very depressed.
One night, while sleeping, I had a dream. The dream was that I was a fortyish year old cop in a town of less than a thousand, in a tree filled little hick town in the late 50's. I was a cop for 20 years or so. I became a cop because I didn't want to be drafted back when WW II had started. I had a bit of a belly and rather enjoyed my easy cop life. I was married to an introverted wife and we had a son and daughter both in high school. I grew up in that town and had known my wife since I was a small child.
I had a lot of pride. I had a strong sense of morality. I wanted to treat everyone fairly and I prided myself in never having removed my pistol from the holster. I felt that most of the people of the town respected me. I had inner turmoil though. The town butcher used to park his delivery truck illegally and I would over look it for I didn't want him to hate me. I liked to eat meat and he gave my wife good deals and cuts. I'm sure it was so I would let him slide with his parking. It was not an agreement I had with him but I "got" it. It drove me nuts but I didn't want to pay extra for bad cuts of meat either.
One day, I got a radio call about this 17 year old kid that was causing trouble again. I had run-ins before with him and went to his house to take him back to jail or wherever. His house was out in the sticks a bit. There were lots of tall trees on an acre or two of land and an old house where he lived with his alcoholic uncle or grandfather. I had a rookie partner with me. I had my rookie knock on the front door while I went around back. As soon as I got to the back of the house the kid was standing there, about ten feet away, with a double barreled 12 gauge and shot me in the belly with both barrels before I could pull my pistol out.
I fell down on my back immediately on the back porch and he ran off into the woods with the shot gun. I laid there looking up at the tree tops and blue sky thinking I was probably going to die right there. My partner came running around the back and stood over me. He moaned and then started to throw up. I'm thinking, "Call an ambulance you idiot!" Well he finally does but he can't stop being sick and I just lay there waiting for help. I'm surprised it doesn't hurt more.
When the ambulance comes they come with more cops and even the chief. The paramedics look at me and don't do anything for me. People are just looking at each other and talking. This is when I see a beautiful woman walk to me and stretch out her hand to me. She says, "Take my hand if you want to come with me" (I'm crying as I type this now). I say "Lady, I need a doctor." She said, "The doctors cannot help you. Take my hand if you want to come with me." What choice did I have? Everyone else was ignoring me. I reached for her hand and she lifted me up. I looked back at where I had been laying and I was still laying there. I looked back at her and said, "Shit, I'm dead ain't I?" She said "Do I look dead to you?" I said "No, you don't look dead at all." She said I could stay there or go with her and that I could always come back. We were still holding hands and I thought it would be best to go with her. "Sure, I'll go with you."
We started to float up in this "gentle twister" with her eyes on me and my eyes all over her. She seemed to be humored by my attraction to her. It took a couple minutes to go up the "twister" and I was still holding her hand when we landed on this cloudy plain. I looked into the distance and started to see maybe a hundred people in the distance walking slowly towards me. Slowly, I started to recognize them. They came and hugged me or shook my hand. I talked a little to all of them. I recognized them all but not necessarily from my life on earth. I recognized them from "different" lives on Earth and some from never on Earth.
This went on for an hour or so and then that lady came to me and said, "The counsel would like to talk to you. Would you like to meet them?" I'm thinking "Council? Oh shit! Judgment day!", but I also thought it was better to go now while people were still feeling sorry for me than go later after the "killing" had been forgotten. I was looking for some mercy. So I went with her to this rather informal panel of elderly men, maybe five, and stood before them. They said, "Don't be so alarmed, we just want to ask you a few questions." I said "O.K, shoot!" so they wouldn't forget what just happened to me.
They asked me, "So, what is it like on Earth?" I wanted to say it was a sinful place but I thought it smarter to say "Ah, it's pretty crazy down there. There are a lot of really messed up people that need a lot of help." They were very surprised by my comment and very pleased. The man in the center said "Well, what happened to you down there?" I said, "Didn't you see what happened to me? That damn kid shot me to death!" And their smiles disappeared. He said to me "What do mean by, he shot you to death?" I'm a little taken back and I said, "The kid took a 12 gauge and killed me and now I'm here!" A little disappointed, he asked me "So, do you think you are dead?" Now, I knew something was up. I was mad at this kid. He had shot me point blank and ran away leaving me to die, and for what reason? I was not about to give up my anger and lose my deserving mercy from God. I said, "Yes, he killed me, I'm dead and that's why I'm here now." Shaking their heads they asked me another question. "If you are dead...how is it possible that you are talking to us? Do you think WE are dead too?" I retorted, "Well, I guess so. Isn't this the place where dead people go?" They started to look at each other in dismay and I heard them say to each other "Hey, look at me. Do I look dead to you?" and "No, you look just fine. Ah, do I look dead to you?" and "No, you're looking o.k. to me too." and they chuckled a little. I was getting pissed but they had one more question. He asked me, "What do you think should happen to that kid?" I said "He should be punished for killing a police officer". They said "Well, it's been nice talking to you and we hope to talk to you again soon." I thought, "Cool, I'm out of here." and I went with the lady out of there.
She took me to another place and asked me if I wanted to speak with God. Horrified by the thought of facing God, I said, "Maybe later, he must be very busy."
She asked me "What do you want to do now? Do you want to go back to Earth" I said I was worried about my wife and kids. She asked me if I would like to see how they were doing and I said "Yes". I took her hand and before I knew it I was at my own funeral. It was outdoors in the little central park and there was a big closed coffin and I was wondering how all this could be happening already. She told me that time was an illusion and that we could go anywhere in time. I looked at the coffin again and saw my wife kneeling at the coffin balling her eyes out. Immediately I was devastated. She was so sad for me. I could "hear" her thoughts. She was truly sorry for me and not so much for herself or the kids. I could hear her thinking how brave I was and how she always knew something like that might happen because I was too brave and proud to pull my pistol out. I was shocked because I had always thought that she looked down on me and didn't have confidence in me. Instead I find out she looked up to me because she saw I was a brave and true cop. I started to scream at her that I was right here. "I'm alright. I'm right here! I'm fine! Don't worry!" but she could not hear me. I looked at the lady (my guide) and said "Why can't she hear me?" My guide said, "Because she is listening with her flesh and you are but speaking with your Spirit. The flesh is weak and cannot hear the Spirit". I was devastated but my guide said she would be alright. The state made sure the families of killed police officers were well taken care of… financial wise.
I heard my children thinking that they were happy I was killed because they could now go to college instead of being stuck in that small town. I could hear the rookie cops thinking I was an old fool who should have been more careful. I thought those rookies looked up to me. I guess I was a fool. I heard the chief’s thoughts, too. He never seemed to like me but he was actually impressed that I was a true blue cop. I was just as shocked by everyone else in the town. Their thoughts were shocking. I wondered how I could hear every one's thoughts. My guide looked at me and without talking she telepathically told me that the Spirit hears everything.
We left my funeral and went back to...who knows...outer space like. She held my hand and we floated there for awhile. I was shook up but not as shook up as I thought I would be. I thought about how I told the council I was dead and how I tried to tell my wife I was ok. I thought a little about my unloving kids. My guide asked me where I wanted to go next. I said, "Well, I sure don't want to go back to Earth. What else have you got?" She said that there where all kinds of places to go. Not just Earth but back to the council, or to go see God or go see some other worlds, or we could even stay right here. I said "Other worlds? There are more worlds? I'd like to see some other worlds. What have you got?" She said she would take me to the next world that was one step from Earth towards Heaven to see how I liked it.
In an instant we were standing on a grassy area looking around at what looked like the Earth but with a lot fewer buildings. The weather was 73 degrees and sunny. I was told it did not vary very much. There were trees and blue skies. There was an outdoor concert nearby and hundreds were just hanging out on the grassy hillside listening to the bands.
I'm like "So, this looks awful familiar. Is this the same as Earth?" She said "It's a lot like Earth but it is different too." I said "Well, what's to do? Do they have any arcades here?" (This is weird because if I was in 1958 or so. Why would I be asking about arcades?) She walked me to an arcade place that was empty of people but full of arcade machines. I walked up to a Pac Man looking machine and asked her for some money. She said "Oh, there's no money in this world. Everything is free". I wondered how this place stayed in business or even why it was in business. She told me the builders just really liked arcade machines. So I'm looking at this screen and it's a guy walking down the sidewalk with a flower in his hand. She told me to hand the flower to a person walking the other way. I hit the button and the person got a flower but now I had two flowers. I handed another flower out and now I had three flowers. I handed three flowers out and now I had six flowers. I said "I don't get it?" She said "To give is to receive. The more you give the more you receive." I said "How do you win this game?" She said "The concepts of winning and losing are not here in this world." I said "Well then, how do you finish the game?" She said" You are finished when you don't want to play anymore." It was a rather boring game and I ended up quickly with so many flowers I couldn't see my player anymore for all the flowers. I knew quickly why no one was at this retarded arcade.
We walked out of the arcade and I asked her about where I would live as in, what kind of house I could have. She said that I could have any house I wanted but that most people don't live in houses in this world. Most just live in the parks. I'm thinking "Bums?” She showed me that I could build myself a mansion with not my hands but with my mind. We talked about walls and doors and floors and as I thought about what I wanted they came to be. Soon I had a rather nice home and I asked her why more people didn't want a house. Didn't they like to have their own place and have some privacy? That's when she put her hand through the wall. She explained that I could have a house but that I couldn't really have any privacy. She showed me how people could walk right into my house no matter how many walls and locks I put up. I asked her "Well, how do I keep people out of my house?" She said that all I could do was put up signs asking people to not come in. I felt a wall and it seemed solid enough. She said now imagine your hand going through the wall, and sure enough it went through the wall. I said “How come I don't fall through the floor?" She said" Because you believe you won't".
So I'm a little perturbed again. "Well, isn't there a police force that arrests trespassers?" She said “Well, we have something much like a police force but instead of punishing people when they act badly, we try to help them." I said “Why not just throw them in jail?" She said “Well, if you ask them to they might stay in jail but they can always just walk through the walls.""Great!" I said sarcastically.
"Well, how about a family? Who will my parents be? How do I get into this world?" She said sheepishly, "Everyone is your family. God is your Father and you are already here in this world. You don't need to be born into it." I asked about death and she said "There is no concept of death here either. You just leave whenever you want to." "Well, what about money? I asked. She said "There is no money. Everyone is equal here. There is no concept of individual possessions here." I said "You mean to tell me that if I work my ass off, the guy watching TV all day and has no job has the same standard of living as me?" She said “Yup, everyone is equal."
I said "Well, what about sex? Do they have sex here?" and she said "There is something like sex here but it is not with bodies. It is much more a mental engagement and we feel is far more intimate than sex on Earth" and that did it for me! "Get me out of here!" I said.
In an instant I was floating in black space with her again. I asked about other worlds and she said that if I didn't like that one I would hate the other ones even more. I asked her if they had another world that did have walls and she said that there were plans to make another world even more "denser" than Earth but the actual building was not started yet.
I was furious. I didn't like Earth and I didn't like the world of sexless, socialist, lawless, familyless, bums in the park world either. She asked where I wanted to go now and in a childish fit I said "I don't want to go anywhere! This sucks!" So she said she was going to leave me here to think things over and that she would be back if I needed her and poof, she was gone.
I'm floating in black space by myself and I look around and I don't even have a body anymore. I feel safe for some odd reason but I'm furious and I'm bored. I float for hours holding onto my anger. Once in a long while some stranger stops by and asks me what I'm doing out here. I say “Earth sucks and so do the other worlds.” I ask them where they're headed and usually I get the “I’m going back to Earth" line. Once I met someone and I knew them from like 20 lifetimes ago on Earth and sure as shit, they were going back to Earth. I think I floated out there for 3 weeks without a body while every once in a while communicating with passing strangers with just telepathy. I couldn’t see them or hear them but still we knew each other’s presence and thoughts.
Finally, my guide comes back and says "We think we found a family for you on Earth. Won't you at least come and look?" Well, I'm bored to tears, and so I agree to look but warn her she is wasting her time. She says "Just look. You have no obligations" I think it's another chance to complain and I do miss her and so I go with her. I know black space isn't going anywhere. It'll still be there when I get back.
She whisks me away and I'm looking at this "screen" with another person (the screen operator) and I see an earth and people and stuff. My guide says "This will be you, this will be your sister and this will be your father, this is where you will live, in California by the beach. This is where you will be working, you will make a lot of money, and these are some of your many girlfriends you will be having lots of sex with.
One drawback is that this will be your mother, she is rather difficult." I was very impressed with the bikini clad tanned bodies I was offered but I said "What else have you got?" She said "Oh, that's all. If you don't like that I will just take you back to where you've been hanging out. I'm thinking she's got me. Bikini's, money, Southern California Beaches or black space....I say "Ok, but I don't want to be killed again"
She said "Deal! We will send some angels with you" I'm thinking and I say "Cool, I'll do it" and she asks me" What do you want to accomplish while you’re there. I was thinking about nailing all those suntanned hotties but I said "I want to do God's Will" She said "Excellent! It will be done!" and they sat me in this tub like thing and I went alone down this clear water slide tube and all of a sudden I'm in a dark and small room.
I realize I'm inside my new mother and it's already time for delivery. I try to make it quick and as painless for my new mom as possible. I come out quickly. The doctor and nurse are there. Everything goes smooth. I get some sleep. The next day I'm eating bottles of delicious milk. A beautiful nurse comes by and straps me to this chair. I think this is weird and she starts cleaning my little penis. I'm thinking "The fun already starts!" She walks away and this man comes in and before I know it, he's cut the little foreskin off me. It hurts and already I don't trust beautiful women anymore.
I woke up from my dream and got out of bed and stared at my bed a few moments and wondered what I just dreamt. I went down stairs and told my mom that I think I might have remembered being born. I described the quick delivery, the doctor's and nurse's appearance and the way the room looked. The nurse had a big black beehive hairdo. My mom said that it was all exactly like how I described it and wanted to know if my dad put me up to this little gag.
I was feeling weird for a week after that dream. There were so many weird experiences and messages in it. I think the most important message was that I didn't really want to die. I wanted to be on Earth. I got a job soon afterward, at an aerospace company making good money. I met a lot of girls too. What I wanted came true, and those things also left me very depressed, because, of course, those things I wanted are not fulfilling at all. They are just exciting. Luckily, due to my discovery and serious study of A Course In Miracles, my life and that dream have taken on serious meaning.