NDE Accounts

Ascension

PRELUDE

I spent the first 40 years of my life as an "equal opportunity hater." I was filled with an underlying anger at everyone, including myself.  My life had no real direction or purpose except for the gathering of possessions.

I managed to destroy two marriages by sleeping around with any one I could find, and in the privacy of my own home (never in my public facade) was extremely verbally abusive to my wives.  I felt that women were very weak (because they believed in something called love), and it was very easy to manipulate them just by lying, and telling them what they wanted to hear.  I don't honestly know why I married them, for I had never felt this emotion called love.  I considered it a waste of time to even think about it, for we are all going to die someday, so why bother.  I never showed any affection toward them because that was not a manly thing to do!  Women were necessary for only a few things: sex, cooking, and usually cleaning up the messes I left all over the house.  Any questioning or protesting brought immediate vindictive anger, usually in the form of yelling or fighting.

Men were a lot easier to understand; I felt that they were the only ones that I could have an intelligent conversation with.  Besides, it was very easy to enter a room full of men and size them up to weed out the weaker ones, and have my conversations and arguments with the stronger ones.  I only talked with what I considered to be a true man.  I was usually quite polite with those who could help me in my career before I used some of them up, and then "stabbed them in the back".  It was not very hard for me to take what I wanted from them: i.e. sex with their wives, or manipulation of their jobs.

I did not feel powerful in doing any of these things; I just felt that this was what a man was supposed to do.  As for the rest of the world, I considered all of the wars and suffering of other people as a validation for the way that I was.  If a few million people died through wars or starvation, that just left more in the world for me!

I was addicted to watching the proliferation of violence on the television and in the movies, and listening to the angry conversations on the radio.  With all of these built up layers of hate, anger and aggression, I was never able to enjoy life.  Even the new possessions that I had gathered around me to show off to my friends would only give me a few days of pleasure, before they would begin to bore me and I felt the need to go out and buy more.

I refused to look at my own misery; for there seemed to be a large black hole in my life, and no matter how hard I tried I could not fill it with anything permanently satisfying.

Near-Death Experience

Approximately 11 years ago I was driving my camper home from an outing in the desert.  Approaching a busy red lighted intersection at about 60-mph, I started to depress the break pedal.  It felt kind of mushy as the pedal went straight to the floor.  I was not going to be able to stop the vehicle, so I quickly decided to downshift the transmission to slow the vehicle, and swerve off the road into the sand.  To my surprise, no matter how I tried, it would not shift.  Having no options left to me at this time, I depressed the horn and plowed into the intersection.  I managed to swerve around the first car in view and was then deeply broad sided by another vehicle, which flipped my camper on to it's side.  Fortunately, I was later to learn that no one else was seriously hurt in the accident.

As I was slipping in and out of consciousness in the paramedic's van, I remember seeing my clothes soaked in my own blood, for my head had been split open in two separate places.  The last thing I remember was the doctor's talking to each other at the hospital, and then I slipped into total "unconsciousness".  I use this word to describe what was told to me, but in reality I was in some other plane both watching and aware of my spirit leaving my body.  I could see my body below me for a few seconds, and then I was swept away at what felt like a great speed.  I could see many colors of light on both sides of me, all starting to blend together.  As I felt my speed increase, the colors appeared to become a blinding white tunnel in which I was traveling through.

I apologize if this sounds weird or strange to you, because it was even stranger to me.  For the first time in my life I could feel no anger, and I absolutely felt no concern about what was going to happen to me.  The many colors and blinding white tunnel that were around me I can only describe as beautiful (a word I rarely used in my lifetime, then in the wrong context and with an entirely different meaning).

I had lost the ability to communicate, and was alone with only my sight and internal thoughts.  I visited different types of worlds, many with different colored skies.  I was shown many varied life forms and civilizations in this universe; some appeared frightening and some quite wondrously beautiful.  My understanding of my previous life was so different from what I was experiencing.  The only thoughts that kept repeating to me were "If I had only known of the beauty I was seeing: and that I must stop being so fearful and egotistical in the assumption that I was the only intelligence in the Universe".  It was then that the voyage suddenly stopped, and I experienced an immediate loss of my sight.  An extremely enhanced sensitivity to my emotions, thought process and surroundings had entered into my spirit.

You will have to forgive me if this becomes difficult for you to understand, for words are quite inadequate, and sometimes useless in their attempt to express the true experience.  All that I can give to you are these words that are here with us now.  I was given a knowing (something entirely different than faith) that in our future to come; all written or spoken words will become an unnecessary form of communication.

It felt as if I was suddenly stopped in a state or a plane of consciousness, totally surrounded by an orange/golden light.  There were all kinds of spirit life forms that I could identify with, and quite a few that I could not.  The feeling of peace was there, and for the first time in my life I felt a powerful unconditional love entering and surrounding my being.  This love was all fulfilling, and I felt no need for anything else.  I desired nothing but to remain in this place for an eternity.  I have no idea how long I remained there, for time no longer had any meaning to me.

I then felt the emanations of a highly evolved spirit come towards me, and the strength of his love and compassion pour out all over me.  Through some means of telepathy he informed me regarding my many past lives, and started to question me.  I felt compelled that I must answer truthfully to any questions that would be asked of me, for I knew that he would immediately know if I told a lie.

He asked if I knew why I had been through this experience.  I truthfully answered no.  I was told that I had a long history of past lives filled with anger, aggression and hate.  I was so stubborn that I needed this experience to realize that unconditional love is the most powerful force in this beautiful universe, and that it's beauty was made by a benign creator.

I was then asked why I hated so much and caused hurt to so many people.  I explained that if there was a god, then why had he created a world in which there is death, war and great suffering.  Humans did not seem to care too much for each other, and I needed to survive.  Somehow I felt that he had been given this same answer to this question many times, so I added the comment that many people live out their lives this way.

He answered me by saying "Wars and suffering were not created by God, but were the creation of the human race, out of fear and hatred.  God had created the human form to look different from each other, so that we would learn to increase our love for all kinds of forms.  As far as death is concerned, we have all passed through many lives of our own."  And he continued, "You should have listened to your inner self to realize that only the body dies: for your spirit was made for an eternity.  "

"Death is the creator's greatest gift, used for the transition of your spirit into higher realms.  The realm that you are now in and the powerful unconditional love that you feel would destroy the body that you formerly inhabited.  Your own spiritual evolution will automatically manifest to change your bodily form.  You must learn that the creator is truly benign, for if it was not so, how could you continue to live life after life until your lessons are learned?"

I started to ask him a question of my own, but I felt within myself something slipping.  I then felt the sensation of swift passage again, and even though I tried, I could not reverse the process and return to that beautiful realm (of which I now lovingly call Home).

My sight returned, and I watched my spirit go slowly back into my body.  I again heard the doctor's voices.  A sense of such great loss and sadness filled my spirit for there had been so much to learn, and it seemed that all of the love and peace that I had felt was gone.  Then the most horrid event happened.  All of my hate, anger and aggression came back into me.  I had been violated!  It was the doctor's fault for not leaving me alone, and letting me pass on.  The shock to my spirit had been so great, I did not realize that I had brought something back with me.

INTEGRATION

I was told that I had suffered no permanent brain damage, and that I had been totally unconscious for only about three days.  But for some reason I could not make any more excuses for myself: my hate and anger were my own internal 'brain damage'.

I did however suffer from some memory loss.  After returning to work, I realized that my career as an Associate Engineer in the Electronics Industry was over.  I could no longer work in that field, because many of the electronic formulas that I had studied in college were lost to my memory.  I struggled with these lost memories for a couple of weeks, and became extremely fearful of the consequences.  Not producing any productive work, I was compelled to approach my supervisor and try to explain what had happened.

I made the mistake (unfortunately not only for the first time) of being honest with him in my experience.  I watched him slowly back away from me as if I had a contagious disease.  I was given my final paycheck and escorted out the door.  During the next year I lost many of my friends by sharing even just a part of my experience.  Anytime I broached the subject with my wife she would just scream at me to shut up for I was acting crazy.

Feeling lost and totally alone with my experience, I withdrew into myself and rarely talked to anyone.  It was during that time that I had a lucid dream that would start to change my life forever.  I call it lucid for lack of a better word.  The dream seemed to have a shining intelligence and awareness about it, and I was engaged in a two-way conversation with that highly evolved spirit from the NDE.  I sometimes still experience lucid dreaming and lucid thought processes even while I am awake.  Instead of fearing these experiences, I have slowly grown to love and trust them.  The thought processes that enter my head through these spirits are sometimes so foreign to my own that I simply call these spirits the voices in my head.

In the dream I was in a large room filled with many different colored translucent panels on the floor, which appeared to be made of some type of crystalline substance.  There were pathways leading all around these panels so that a choice could be made as to which one might be entered.  I was drawn towards the golden/orange colored panel and stepped on to it.  Again I experienced a feeling of speed, and I was swept inward to a different state.  I glanced to my left, and saw a group of women frantically applying make-up to their faces.  To the right, I saw a group of construction men putting clothes into a locker room.  I did not like the feelings of this place, and so I went to the center section of the room and attempted to step onto a bright white colored panel on the floor.

The spirit's voice then spoke to me "You are not ready to enter there!  No anger, hate, aggressive or fearful thoughts will ever enter through that panel."  I was elated to hear his voice again, and asked the question "How do I get out of this place?"  He replied, "There was no such place as outward, but only inward!  You have lost almost all of your friends, and feel lonely and confused.  That was necessary for you to start the cleansing of your thought process.  Thoughts are very powerful, and as you think, so you are.  I and one other are here to help you through this process."

Still unsure and distrusting, I then set up an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I walked into her office, sat down, and stated that I had only one question for her.  I asked, "A friend of mine was recently involved in an automobile accident.  Is it unusual for a traumatic event to cause him to change his whole way of life?"  I could tell by the look on her face that she knew that I was speaking about myself, especially because the scars on my face had not yet had a chance to heal.  She replied that it was very common, and that if I had any difficulties with the problem, I could come to see her anytime.

On the way home from her office, I had mixed feelings of validation and concern.  How was I supposed to get rid of all of this anger and hate?  I did not want to alienate myself from any more of my friends, so I took the chance and again discussed this with my wife.  She informed me that she could not tell me how, since she never got angry, and that I was stupid in going into that office and paying someone to talk about my craziness.  This was the last time that I ever talked to my wife about an experience that she could not understand.

About a month later, again I experienced a lucid dream.  The voice said "Why do you need validation from others for what I say to you?  Your aggressive and hateful emotions emanate from the fear of the unknown, and your anger comes from the continuous judgments that you layer upon yourself and everyone else.  You are to leave your family and all of your possessions behind, and go out into the world as homeless!"

I could not believe what I had heard, and there was no way I was going to do that!  I possessed neither the courage nor foresight in what I was being told to do.  I pleaded, and asked for forgiveness to no avail.  The beautiful spirit was silent, and for the next year my relationship with my wife deteriorated into ugliness.  We would fight almost every night, and I found myself in a living hell.  The thought of Karma continuously entered my head.  The kinder I became (to try to save myself from the ordeal of homelessness), the more vindictive she became.  It finally dawned on me that something had to change, because I had just been laid off from my job and my wife's anger had escalated into violence.

I asked the voices again what I should do.  "Leave now, and live in the streets as homeless.  Take no money with you, or any form of ID.  Do not attempt to look for work, or find any place at a shelter.  You will beg for all of the food that you eat".  So, filled with a great fear, I found some warm clothes, and telling no one in my family (my wife and her two grown children from a previous marriage) of my going, I headed out for the streets.

The first few days were hard on me.  I did not know how to beg for money for food, and I started to get very hungry.  The nights were cold, and the only way I could think of staying warm was to sleep in the trash containers that were behind stores.  I kept on walking during the day and did manage to finally get some food into my stomach.  I found a place within the inner city where a group of people where living in boxes covered with blankets to try to keep warm.  At first they seemed to be antagonistic toward me, but as they realized that I was there not to harm anyone, they did not bother me.

By this time my stomach had shrunk in size so I needed less food to feel full.  I started to share with them what little I had, and they eventually responded in kind.  The group was composed of little children and their mothers, a few teenagers, and men, some of whom were alcoholics.  As I slowly befriended these people whom society had forgotten, my compassion for them started to grow.

I had always believed that homeless people were cruel, unkind, violent and drugged out.  It was a shock to me to realize that was not always the case.  Most of them had experienced some form of violent relationships in their home, and some of them had just given up on life and wanted to be left alone.

One night, two strangers attacked us.  Brandishing knives, they approached us.  I was not about to let them hurt what I now considered to be my new family, and wrapping some cloth around my arms, I cautiously approached them (I had been a former Marine Corps Sergeant and been reasonably well trained in fighting techniques).  I could not understand why both of them suddenly bolted and ran, until I turned around.  My 'family' had bonded together, and with pipes and hammers they also had been approaching the attackers.  After the ugly incident was over, and we set up watchers for the rest of the night, I had another lucid dream.

I watched as the outline of a human form appeared before me, and I saw tiny sparkles of a beautiful bright light engulf the whole form.  The sparkles of light looked exactly like the same sparkles that appear when you light a sparkler on the 4th of July.  I could see these tiny lights sort of sliding off the arms and hands of the human form and falling to the ground.  I saw the greatest concentration of them where the feet touched the earth.  It also appeared that many of these lights were entering into the feet from the ground.  I asked the voices what I was seeing.  "You have now learned to feel compassion for other people.  What you are now watching is the exchange of compassion, love, energy and light between the human form and this planet, which is also a living entity.  This is the pure natural condition of the human form and it's spirit, and all other forms of life on this planet, as the creator intended."  As I watched this exchange, I realized that this was the giving back to this world from which we all take so much.  All of my possessions that I had surrounded myself with was used basically for my own ego (things used to impress someone else).  I looked deep within myself, and found out that my begging and living in the streets had totally killed my ego.  The amazing thing was, I did not miss it, nor did I feel I was less than or greater than anyone else in this world.  Looking even deeper, I felt that the process of the peeling of the layers of anger was well on its way!

"You must leave this place now and go back home to your wife, for she is in the same angry and hateful state that you have been in and is suffering.  She is miserable both in your staying, and in your going.  Do not judge anything that she says to you, because her path to spiritual awakening will be harder for her than for you.  Also remember that no matter when the words I will speak to her through you are spoken they will eventually enter into her, either in this life or her next lives to come.  You will then have to leave her for the last time, but even this action she will eventually come to understand, for you and I will leave her a special gift that she will not forget to ease her suffering."

I awoke saddened that I was going to leave this place, especially for the children.  I could never have any of my own, and this loose knit family of mine had allowed me to spend some time with them.  With the first tears running down my face, I told them that I would have to leave (it seemed inconceivable to me that a man should cry).  My leaving seemed to effect a few others, for mine were not the only tears present.

When I finally arrived back home, my wife told me that she had missed me very much, and that she had called the police department and had me listed as a missing person.  At that moment I realized that some of my increased sensitivity from my NDE was still with me.  It felt like some sort of ugly sickness or poison had traveled between the two of us, and I was immediately aware that she had lied to me.  I said nothing in return to her, because she would not have listened anyway.

This part of my life with my wife is the most difficult to write about, for I had been forbidden to judge.  When I look back on my own life, and see the way I had been, most assuredly I had no right to judge anyone.

Within two weeks I found a good job, but my wife could not hold back her anger and started to turn violent again.  I have not mentioned this before now, but my wife was an alcoholic.  Her drinking changed her from a loving and kind person, into an angry and sometimes violent person.  This was hard to take, and even harder, now that I knew that I was not to judge: but I felt compassion anyway for this woman who I could no longer live with in harmony.

One Saturday evening, she had gone to bed early from drinking too much beer, and lay passed out on the bed.  As I lay next to her, I heard the voices instructing me on how to heal an old painful hip wound that she had received many years ago in a motorcycle accident.  Ever since I had known her, she would wake up in the morning and limp around painfully for about 10 minutes before she could walk normally.

Since I had never healed anyone before, I doubted that I could.  The voices told me that for this healing to happen, I had to replace all of my doubting and all of my faith with a 'knowing' that this would work.  After about two hours of concentrating only on the voices, I reached over with my right hand and gently laid it on her left hip.  Both of my hands became extremely warm, and I became as one with her.  I remembered the beautiful exchange between the human form and this world that I had seen previously; and then I could feel the hurt from her hip enter into me.  It was then that I realized this healing was to be the gift for her that she would not forget.

My wife immediately sat straight up in the bed and with great anger and vindictiveness said, "What are you doing?  Take your hands away from me.  I did not give you permission to do that!"  Then she fell back on the bed and went to sleep.  I watched her as she awoke the next morning and got out of bed.  Her limping was gone, and her hip pain did not come back again.  She did not seem to remember anything from the previous night, and went on with her life as if nothing had happened.

Within two weeks, I received notice that my mother had died, so I drove to Arizona to settle her estate.  I became friendly with some of her neighbors, and found them to be a great help for me in the support that I needed.  One day when I was walking with them into an undeveloped portion of the desert, the subject came up about how useless the desert was without water, and how good it would be when the sub-division of houses would be built on this spot.  I had always enjoyed wilderness areas, and the desert has always been one of my favorite places.  They had moved on ahead of me, for I had stopped, and the voices came to me.  I could clearly see where an underground stream of water was located, deep within the earth.  It was a beautiful sight, and I was given a knowing of how to call the water to me.

The voices asked me what I would do with this knowledge.  My first thought was that I would try and use the water to destroy the homes that were going to be built on this spot.  Immediately, the knowing was taken away from me, and the voices said "You are not yet ready for this gift, for it must not be used to destroy.  The desert is not your private possession, but a place given to all out of love from the creator."

I had failed in my test for knowledge of power, and to this day I still remember the seeing of the stream and the song used to call it to me.  But without the knowing, which has nothing to do with hope or faith, it will remain as just a beautiful seeing and song within my heart.  I now realize that my process of un-learning is still not complete.

Arriving back home, I again felt as if I was in a living hell.  My wife was deriving some sort of perverse pleasure in trying to make me angry.  She would scream, fight, and did manage once to hit me full face with her fist.  But I did not respond.  Many were the times that she told me that no one in my home loved or wanted me around.

Suffering combined with compassion is a very strange feeling.  It was then that another voice had entered into my lucid dreaming.  Where before I had only heard masculine voices, I now heard a feminine voice speak to me.  She asked me "What is the greatest gift from the creator?  You cannot enter where you want to go without it".  I was at a complete loss as to what was being asked.  After some reflection, I realized that at no time in my life had I ever truly felt real love for a woman.  I replied to that voice that the greatest gift from the creator was the love between a man and a woman.  The voice then replied that "Love was a let, not a force or a possession.  You must learn this, and keep it at all times close to your heart.  Do not be afraid of this love, let it come freely into your spirit: for there is someone who is waiting to return this love in kind to you".

I needed some time alone to think about what had been told to me, and try to find some peace in my life, so I went camping for a few days.  I had chosen a spot next to a stand of trees, right next to a beautiful lake.  The next morning, I tried to eat a snack of Dorrito chips, but when I opened the bag the campground became filled with wasps.  I threw some chips to the ground for them to eat, but they didn't seem interested.  Instead of the peace that I was searching for, all that I felt was agitated that they would not leave me alone.

I heard a thundering voice in my head say "Why are you acting like a little child?  You should have learned patience by now, and how to bring peace into your life.  Be still and unafraid, and hold some food outstretched in your hand".  It took me a few minutes to get rid of my fear, and very slowly I extended my left hand out with some food in it.  I watched as the wasps landed on my hand, and started eating the chips.  Peace filled my entire being, as the wasps covered my whole hand.  I could sense that they would not sting or bite me as long I remained in this state of peace, and showed no fear.  The weekend turned out to be very peaceful, with just the voices and the wasps.  I shared every meal with them, and came back without one sting or bite.

I returned home with an even more enhanced sensitivity in my being, and I told my wife what had happened.  I was totally unconcerned with any reaction that I might receive from her.  After receiving her usual response that I was crazy, the voices took over my entire being, and spoke to her.  They told her of the healing of her hip, and the healing of my spirit through my near death experience with a clarity of understanding that I did not possess.  I felt their words soften her anger somewhat, and she did not speak to me for a couple of days.  Unfortunately this effect was not long in lasting, for she did not want to hear what was said.  It seemed obvious to me that she was still addicted to her own anger and suffering, and was not going to change.

That evening, I dreamed I was in a place with a beautiful blue sky, and I saw many colored translucent bubbles floating around.  Some seemed to coalesce into groups with each other, while others just migrated from one group to another.  Inside of these bubbles, were smaller circular objects with transparent conduits protruding from the inside of them, and I could see small sparkles of energy travel through these conduits from each circular object, with varying degrees of intensity.  It was truly a beautiful sight, but I lacked the understanding of any meaning to what I was witnessing.

The voices told me that I was looking at the human thought process.  The coalesced bubbles were from similar thought processes, which grouped themselves together to form large families of bubbles.  The smaller circular objects within the bubble contained all of the different thoughts that we have experienced during our current lifetime, and the tiny sparkles of light were the energy that we put into these thoughts.  I could feel a certain sickness emanating from some of the groups: many others contained varying degrees of love, light and compassion.  Again I was reminded of how powerful thoughts truly are and the creative effects that they have on the reality of this world and the universe, both of which are truly our home.

It was unfortunate that my wife and I were eventually separated and divorced, because she had refused to give up her drinking, and we had grown too far apart.  In actuality I had I became truly at a loss as how to explain all that had happened in my life to anyone, and I thought that no one else would understand.

The voices told me to feel and see with my heart, and to look for what was on the inside of a person, and to ignore what was on the outside.  My love for these voices has grown immeasurably over the years, for eventually I found the one woman I could truly love unconditionally.  Her heart is also overflowing with love and understanding, and her compassion for gentleness and kindness is greater than my own.  We have been together for over two years, without one single disagreement or argument.

It was about 3AM on March 26 of this year, when I swiftly sat upright in my bed, for the voices had told me that it was time for me to write of my experiences.  I felt both uneasy and apprehensive, for I had never tried to put this experience into words.  I tried not to take the voices too seriously, but I could not fall back to sleep.  My tossing and turning awoke my beautiful wife and I told her of the dream.  She also thought that it was a good idea.  We both finally fell back to sleep, unaware of the implications of what I had been told.  That very same day, I was included in a layoff from work, and somehow my wife's intuitiveness told her that what had happened would give me the time to write.  If it had not been for her love and support, I doubt that this experience would have been put to words so soon.

The intent of writing all of this down is not to just write a story about an NDE.  I now know that this is not an exclusive experience.  I consider myself to be no different than anyone else, but I still have this strange combination of feelings of compassion and suffering.  The only difference is that they are no longer directed inward; but rather outward toward other people.  I find myself so sensitive to our environment, that I am unable to watch television, read the newspaper or listen to the radio.  I have not shut myself out from this world; it's just that I can no longer think within its terms.  I have experienced a very shifted view of a physical and spiritual reality, and it causes me great suffering to know that sometimes in this world, our anger can manifest itself with useless wars, untimely death and destruction of our own making.  Even though we seem to be stuck in this cycle, it does not have to be this way.

Truly, the healing that we all need is within our own thoughts.  Somewhere during the course of this lifetime, we all have felt alone and afraid.  This is the experience of the large black hole that we all try to fill up with something: i.e. drugs, sex, possessions, work.  The list is endless.  If you don't believe that this is the truth, then take a real good look around you.  Look at our world, your family, friends, and then take a real good look at yourself.  This seeing is not a time for any judgments whatsoever, for anger and judging are one and the same.  Rather it is a starting place of our own process of un-learning separateness.  Instead of usual running away in fear from this, I am asking all of us to do the unusual: to have enough courage to stop, turn around and face it.

This un-learning of separateness requires no hope or faith for its fulfillment.  It is a very natural state in the process of self-realization.  You will find this black hole within everyone and that in most cases it will contain absolutely nothing.  This nothingness is the driving force in our spirit that causes us so desperately to try and find some meaning to our lives.

I cannot over emphasize the importance of this, nor can I just give it to you from my words.  It must be experienced as the truth in all of us, by a brutal forgiving honesty.  Once realized, it becomes obvious that we are all in the 'family of one', separateness having been dropped as we all search to fill this nothingness.

The universe was created out of love, and we are all a part of that creation.  The unconditional love that I felt during my NDE was very powerful.  Instinctively we fear this kind of love by layering it with many conditions.  The greatest fear we face is, will this love I give be returned?  It's as if we all think that we only have so much to give, and that it might run out.  We tend to look at other's failures as the only reality in this world, and become even more fearful of this powerful emotion.  Somehow we have forgotten that the giving of love is the blessing, and returns to the sender an abundance of even more to give.  This is the lesson that we all have to learn; this is what we need to fill that big black hole with!  I know in my spirit that these lessons will be learned by all, and then we shall all be transformed into new planes, and be given even greater gifts to share.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe

Synopsis:

This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.

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Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.

Psych-Ward:

By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.

>Judgement<

This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.

Crystals:

One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.

Now:

This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 

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