NDE Accounts



I spent the first 40 years of my life as an "equal opportunity hater." I was filled with an underlying anger at everyone, including myself.  My life had no real direction or purpose except for the gathering of possessions.

I managed to destroy two marriages by sleeping around with any one I could find, and in the privacy of my own home (never in my public facade) was extremely verbally abusive to my wives.  I felt that women were very weak (because they believed in something called love), and it was very easy to manipulate them just by lying, and telling them what they wanted to hear.  I don't honestly know why I married them, for I had never felt this emotion called love.  I considered it a waste of time to even think about it, for we are all going to die someday, so why bother.  I never showed any affection toward them because that was not a manly thing to do!  Women were necessary for only a few things: sex, cooking, and usually cleaning up the messes I left all over the house.  Any questioning or protesting brought immediate vindictive anger, usually in the form of yelling or fighting.

Men were a lot easier to understand; I felt that they were the only ones that I could have an intelligent conversation with.  Besides, it was very easy to enter a room full of men and size them up to weed out the weaker ones, and have my conversations and arguments with the stronger ones.  I only talked with what I considered to be a true man.  I was usually quite polite with those who could help me in my career before I used some of them up, and then "stabbed them in the back".  It was not very hard for me to take what I wanted from them: i.e. sex with their wives, or manipulation of their jobs.

I did not feel powerful in doing any of these things; I just felt that this was what a man was supposed to do.  As for the rest of the world, I considered all of the wars and suffering of other people as a validation for the way that I was.  If a few million people died through wars or starvation, that just left more in the world for me!

I was addicted to watching the proliferation of violence on the television and in the movies, and listening to the angry conversations on the radio.  With all of these built up layers of hate, anger and aggression, I was never able to enjoy life.  Even the new possessions that I had gathered around me to show off to my friends would only give me a few days of pleasure, before they would begin to bore me and I felt the need to go out and buy more.

I refused to look at my own misery; for there seemed to be a large black hole in my life, and no matter how hard I tried I could not fill it with anything permanently satisfying.

Near-Death Experience

Approximately 11 years ago I was driving my camper home from an outing in the desert.  Approaching a busy red lighted intersection at about 60-mph, I started to depress the break pedal.  It felt kind of mushy as the pedal went straight to the floor.  I was not going to be able to stop the vehicle, so I quickly decided to downshift the transmission to slow the vehicle, and swerve off the road into the sand.  To my surprise, no matter how I tried, it would not shift.  Having no options left to me at this time, I depressed the horn and plowed into the intersection.  I managed to swerve around the first car in view and was then deeply broad sided by another vehicle, which flipped my camper on to it's side.  Fortunately, I was later to learn that no one else was seriously hurt in the accident.

As I was slipping in and out of consciousness in the paramedic's van, I remember seeing my clothes soaked in my own blood, for my head had been split open in two separate places.  The last thing I remember was the doctor's talking to each other at the hospital, and then I slipped into total "unconsciousness".  I use this word to describe what was told to me, but in reality I was in some other plane both watching and aware of my spirit leaving my body.  I could see my body below me for a few seconds, and then I was swept away at what felt like a great speed.  I could see many colors of light on both sides of me, all starting to blend together.  As I felt my speed increase, the colors appeared to become a blinding white tunnel in which I was traveling through.

I apologize if this sounds weird or strange to you, because it was even stranger to me.  For the first time in my life I could feel no anger, and I absolutely felt no concern about what was going to happen to me.  The many colors and blinding white tunnel that were around me I can only describe as beautiful (a word I rarely used in my lifetime, then in the wrong context and with an entirely different meaning).

I had lost the ability to communicate, and was alone with only my sight and internal thoughts.  I visited different types of worlds, many with different colored skies.  I was shown many varied life forms and civilizations in this universe; some appeared frightening and some quite wondrously beautiful.  My understanding of my previous life was so different from what I was experiencing.  The only thoughts that kept repeating to me were "If I had only known of the beauty I was seeing: and that I must stop being so fearful and egotistical in the assumption that I was the only intelligence in the Universe".  It was then that the voyage suddenly stopped, and I experienced an immediate loss of my sight.  An extremely enhanced sensitivity to my emotions, thought process and surroundings had entered into my spirit.

You will have to forgive me if this becomes difficult for you to understand, for words are quite inadequate, and sometimes useless in their attempt to express the true experience.  All that I can give to you are these words that are here with us now.  I was given a knowing (something entirely different than faith) that in our future to come; all written or spoken words will become an unnecessary form of communication.

It felt as if I was suddenly stopped in a state or a plane of consciousness, totally surrounded by an orange/golden light.  There were all kinds of spirit life forms that I could identify with, and quite a few that I could not.  The feeling of peace was there, and for the first time in my life I felt a powerful unconditional love entering and surrounding my being.  This love was all fulfilling, and I felt no need for anything else.  I desired nothing but to remain in this place for an eternity.  I have no idea how long I remained there, for time no longer had any meaning to me.

I then felt the emanations of a highly evolved spirit come towards me, and the strength of his love and compassion pour out all over me.  Through some means of telepathy he informed me regarding my many past lives, and started to question me.  I felt compelled that I must answer truthfully to any questions that would be asked of me, for I knew that he would immediately know if I told a lie.

He asked if I knew why I had been through this experience.  I truthfully answered no.  I was told that I had a long history of past lives filled with anger, aggression and hate.  I was so stubborn that I needed this experience to realize that unconditional love is the most powerful force in this beautiful universe, and that it's beauty was made by a benign creator.

I was then asked why I hated so much and caused hurt to so many people.  I explained that if there was a god, then why had he created a world in which there is death, war and great suffering.  Humans did not seem to care too much for each other, and I needed to survive.  Somehow I felt that he had been given this same answer to this question many times, so I added the comment that many people live out their lives this way.

He answered me by saying "Wars and suffering were not created by God, but were the creation of the human race, out of fear and hatred.  God had created the human form to look different from each other, so that we would learn to increase our love for all kinds of forms.  As far as death is concerned, we have all passed through many lives of our own."  And he continued, "You should have listened to your inner self to realize that only the body dies: for your spirit was made for an eternity.  "

"Death is the creator's greatest gift, used for the transition of your spirit into higher realms.  The realm that you are now in and the powerful unconditional love that you feel would destroy the body that you formerly inhabited.  Your own spiritual evolution will automatically manifest to change your bodily form.  You must learn that the creator is truly benign, for if it was not so, how could you continue to live life after life until your lessons are learned?"

I started to ask him a question of my own, but I felt within myself something slipping.  I then felt the sensation of swift passage again, and even though I tried, I could not reverse the process and return to that beautiful realm (of which I now lovingly call Home).

My sight returned, and I watched my spirit go slowly back into my body.  I again heard the doctor's voices.  A sense of such great loss and sadness filled my spirit for there had been so much to learn, and it seemed that all of the love and peace that I had felt was gone.  Then the most horrid event happened.  All of my hate, anger and aggression came back into me.  I had been violated!  It was the doctor's fault for not leaving me alone, and letting me pass on.  The shock to my spirit had been so great, I did not realize that I had brought something back with me.


I was told that I had suffered no permanent brain damage, and that I had been totally unconscious for only about three days.  But for some reason I could not make any more excuses for myself: my hate and anger were my own internal 'brain damage'.

I did however suffer from some memory loss.  After returning to work, I realized that my career as an Associate Engineer in the Electronics Industry was over.  I could no longer work in that field, because many of the electronic formulas that I had studied in college were lost to my memory.  I struggled with these lost memories for a couple of weeks, and became extremely fearful of the consequences.  Not producing any productive work, I was compelled to approach my supervisor and try to explain what had happened.

I made the mistake (unfortunately not only for the first time) of being honest with him in my experience.  I watched him slowly back away from me as if I had a contagious disease.  I was given my final paycheck and escorted out the door.  During the next year I lost many of my friends by sharing even just a part of my experience.  Anytime I broached the subject with my wife she would just scream at me to shut up for I was acting crazy.

Feeling lost and totally alone with my experience, I withdrew into myself and rarely talked to anyone.  It was during that time that I had a lucid dream that would start to change my life forever.  I call it lucid for lack of a better word.  The dream seemed to have a shining intelligence and awareness about it, and I was engaged in a two-way conversation with that highly evolved spirit from the NDE.  I sometimes still experience lucid dreaming and lucid thought processes even while I am awake.  Instead of fearing these experiences, I have slowly grown to love and trust them.  The thought processes that enter my head through these spirits are sometimes so foreign to my own that I simply call these spirits the voices in my head.

In the dream I was in a large room filled with many different colored translucent panels on the floor, which appeared to be made of some type of crystalline substance.  There were pathways leading all around these panels so that a choice could be made as to which one might be entered.  I was drawn towards the golden/orange colored panel and stepped on to it.  Again I experienced a feeling of speed, and I was swept inward to a different state.  I glanced to my left, and saw a group of women frantically applying make-up to their faces.  To the right, I saw a group of construction men putting clothes into a locker room.  I did not like the feelings of this place, and so I went to the center section of the room and attempted to step onto a bright white colored panel on the floor.

The spirit's voice then spoke to me "You are not ready to enter there!  No anger, hate, aggressive or fearful thoughts will ever enter through that panel."  I was elated to hear his voice again, and asked the question "How do I get out of this place?"  He replied, "There was no such place as outward, but only inward!  You have lost almost all of your friends, and feel lonely and confused.  That was necessary for you to start the cleansing of your thought process.  Thoughts are very powerful, and as you think, so you are.  I and one other are here to help you through this process."

Still unsure and distrusting, I then set up an appointment with a psychiatrist.  I walked into her office, sat down, and stated that I had only one question for her.  I asked, "A friend of mine was recently involved in an automobile accident.  Is it unusual for a traumatic event to cause him to change his whole way of life?"  I could tell by the look on her face that she knew that I was speaking about myself, especially because the scars on my face had not yet had a chance to heal.  She replied that it was very common, and that if I had any difficulties with the problem, I could come to see her anytime.

On the way home from her office, I had mixed feelings of validation and concern.  How was I supposed to get rid of all of this anger and hate?  I did not want to alienate myself from any more of my friends, so I took the chance and again discussed this with my wife.  She informed me that she could not tell me how, since she never got angry, and that I was stupid in going into that office and paying someone to talk about my craziness.  This was the last time that I ever talked to my wife about an experience that she could not understand.

About a month later, again I experienced a lucid dream.  The voice said "Why do you need validation from others for what I say to you?  Your aggressive and hateful emotions emanate from the fear of the unknown, and your anger comes from the continuous judgments that you layer upon yourself and everyone else.  You are to leave your family and all of your possessions behind, and go out into the world as homeless!"

I could not believe what I had heard, and there was no way I was going to do that!  I possessed neither the courage nor foresight in what I was being told to do.  I pleaded, and asked for forgiveness to no avail.  The beautiful spirit was silent, and for the next year my relationship with my wife deteriorated into ugliness.  We would fight almost every night, and I found myself in a living hell.  The thought of Karma continuously entered my head.  The kinder I became (to try to save myself from the ordeal of homelessness), the more vindictive she became.  It finally dawned on me that something had to change, because I had just been laid off from my job and my wife's anger had escalated into violence.

I asked the voices again what I should do.  "Leave now, and live in the streets as homeless.  Take no money with you, or any form of ID.  Do not attempt to look for work, or find any place at a shelter.  You will beg for all of the food that you eat".  So, filled with a great fear, I found some warm clothes, and telling no one in my family (my wife and her two grown children from a previous marriage) of my going, I headed out for the streets.

The first few days were hard on me.  I did not know how to beg for money for food, and I started to get very hungry.  The nights were cold, and the only way I could think of staying warm was to sleep in the trash containers that were behind stores.  I kept on walking during the day and did manage to finally get some food into my stomach.  I found a place within the inner city where a group of people where living in boxes covered with blankets to try to keep warm.  At first they seemed to be antagonistic toward me, but as they realized that I was there not to harm anyone, they did not bother me.

By this time my stomach had shrunk in size so I needed less food to feel full.  I started to share with them what little I had, and they eventually responded in kind.  The group was composed of little children and their mothers, a few teenagers, and men, some of whom were alcoholics.  As I slowly befriended these people whom society had forgotten, my compassion for them started to grow.

I had always believed that homeless people were cruel, unkind, violent and drugged out.  It was a shock to me to realize that was not always the case.  Most of them had experienced some form of violent relationships in their home, and some of them had just given up on life and wanted to be left alone.

One night, two strangers attacked us.  Brandishing knives, they approached us.  I was not about to let them hurt what I now considered to be my new family, and wrapping some cloth around my arms, I cautiously approached them (I had been a former Marine Corps Sergeant and been reasonably well trained in fighting techniques).  I could not understand why both of them suddenly bolted and ran, until I turned around.  My 'family' had bonded together, and with pipes and hammers they also had been approaching the attackers.  After the ugly incident was over, and we set up watchers for the rest of the night, I had another lucid dream.

I watched as the outline of a human form appeared before me, and I saw tiny sparkles of a beautiful bright light engulf the whole form.  The sparkles of light looked exactly like the same sparkles that appear when you light a sparkler on the 4th of July.  I could see these tiny lights sort of sliding off the arms and hands of the human form and falling to the ground.  I saw the greatest concentration of them where the feet touched the earth.  It also appeared that many of these lights were entering into the feet from the ground.  I asked the voices what I was seeing.  "You have now learned to feel compassion for other people.  What you are now watching is the exchange of compassion, love, energy and light between the human form and this planet, which is also a living entity.  This is the pure natural condition of the human form and it's spirit, and all other forms of life on this planet, as the creator intended."  As I watched this exchange, I realized that this was the giving back to this world from which we all take so much.  All of my possessions that I had surrounded myself with was used basically for my own ego (things used to impress someone else).  I looked deep within myself, and found out that my begging and living in the streets had totally killed my ego.  The amazing thing was, I did not miss it, nor did I feel I was less than or greater than anyone else in this world.  Looking even deeper, I felt that the process of the peeling of the layers of anger was well on its way!

"You must leave this place now and go back home to your wife, for she is in the same angry and hateful state that you have been in and is suffering.  She is miserable both in your staying, and in your going.  Do not judge anything that she says to you, because her path to spiritual awakening will be harder for her than for you.  Also remember that no matter when the words I will speak to her through you are spoken they will eventually enter into her, either in this life or her next lives to come.  You will then have to leave her for the last time, but even this action she will eventually come to understand, for you and I will leave her a special gift that she will not forget to ease her suffering."

I awoke saddened that I was going to leave this place, especially for the children.  I could never have any of my own, and this loose knit family of mine had allowed me to spend some time with them.  With the first tears running down my face, I told them that I would have to leave (it seemed inconceivable to me that a man should cry).  My leaving seemed to effect a few others, for mine were not the only tears present.

When I finally arrived back home, my wife told me that she had missed me very much, and that she had called the police department and had me listed as a missing person.  At that moment I realized that some of my increased sensitivity from my NDE was still with me.  It felt like some sort of ugly sickness or poison had traveled between the two of us, and I was immediately aware that she had lied to me.  I said nothing in return to her, because she would not have listened anyway.

This part of my life with my wife is the most difficult to write about, for I had been forbidden to judge.  When I look back on my own life, and see the way I had been, most assuredly I had no right to judge anyone.

Within two weeks I found a good job, but my wife could not hold back her anger and started to turn violent again.  I have not mentioned this before now, but my wife was an alcoholic.  Her drinking changed her from a loving and kind person, into an angry and sometimes violent person.  This was hard to take, and even harder, now that I knew that I was not to judge: but I felt compassion anyway for this woman who I could no longer live with in harmony.

One Saturday evening, she had gone to bed early from drinking too much beer, and lay passed out on the bed.  As I lay next to her, I heard the voices instructing me on how to heal an old painful hip wound that she had received many years ago in a motorcycle accident.  Ever since I had known her, she would wake up in the morning and limp around painfully for about 10 minutes before she could walk normally.

Since I had never healed anyone before, I doubted that I could.  The voices told me that for this healing to happen, I had to replace all of my doubting and all of my faith with a 'knowing' that this would work.  After about two hours of concentrating only on the voices, I reached over with my right hand and gently laid it on her left hip.  Both of my hands became extremely warm, and I became as one with her.  I remembered the beautiful exchange between the human form and this world that I had seen previously; and then I could feel the hurt from her hip enter into me.  It was then that I realized this healing was to be the gift for her that she would not forget.

My wife immediately sat straight up in the bed and with great anger and vindictiveness said, "What are you doing?  Take your hands away from me.  I did not give you permission to do that!"  Then she fell back on the bed and went to sleep.  I watched her as she awoke the next morning and got out of bed.  Her limping was gone, and her hip pain did not come back again.  She did not seem to remember anything from the previous night, and went on with her life as if nothing had happened.

Within two weeks, I received notice that my mother had died, so I drove to Arizona to settle her estate.  I became friendly with some of her neighbors, and found them to be a great help for me in the support that I needed.  One day when I was walking with them into an undeveloped portion of the desert, the subject came up about how useless the desert was without water, and how good it would be when the sub-division of houses would be built on this spot.  I had always enjoyed wilderness areas, and the desert has always been one of my favorite places.  They had moved on ahead of me, for I had stopped, and the voices came to me.  I could clearly see where an underground stream of water was located, deep within the earth.  It was a beautiful sight, and I was given a knowing of how to call the water to me.

The voices asked me what I would do with this knowledge.  My first thought was that I would try and use the water to destroy the homes that were going to be built on this spot.  Immediately, the knowing was taken away from me, and the voices said "You are not yet ready for this gift, for it must not be used to destroy.  The desert is not your private possession, but a place given to all out of love from the creator."

I had failed in my test for knowledge of power, and to this day I still remember the seeing of the stream and the song used to call it to me.  But without the knowing, which has nothing to do with hope or faith, it will remain as just a beautiful seeing and song within my heart.  I now realize that my process of un-learning is still not complete.

Arriving back home, I again felt as if I was in a living hell.  My wife was deriving some sort of perverse pleasure in trying to make me angry.  She would scream, fight, and did manage once to hit me full face with her fist.  But I did not respond.  Many were the times that she told me that no one in my home loved or wanted me around.

Suffering combined with compassion is a very strange feeling.  It was then that another voice had entered into my lucid dreaming.  Where before I had only heard masculine voices, I now heard a feminine voice speak to me.  She asked me "What is the greatest gift from the creator?  You cannot enter where you want to go without it".  I was at a complete loss as to what was being asked.  After some reflection, I realized that at no time in my life had I ever truly felt real love for a woman.  I replied to that voice that the greatest gift from the creator was the love between a man and a woman.  The voice then replied that "Love was a let, not a force or a possession.  You must learn this, and keep it at all times close to your heart.  Do not be afraid of this love, let it come freely into your spirit: for there is someone who is waiting to return this love in kind to you".

I needed some time alone to think about what had been told to me, and try to find some peace in my life, so I went camping for a few days.  I had chosen a spot next to a stand of trees, right next to a beautiful lake.  The next morning, I tried to eat a snack of Dorrito chips, but when I opened the bag the campground became filled with wasps.  I threw some chips to the ground for them to eat, but they didn't seem interested.  Instead of the peace that I was searching for, all that I felt was agitated that they would not leave me alone.

I heard a thundering voice in my head say "Why are you acting like a little child?  You should have learned patience by now, and how to bring peace into your life.  Be still and unafraid, and hold some food outstretched in your hand".  It took me a few minutes to get rid of my fear, and very slowly I extended my left hand out with some food in it.  I watched as the wasps landed on my hand, and started eating the chips.  Peace filled my entire being, as the wasps covered my whole hand.  I could sense that they would not sting or bite me as long I remained in this state of peace, and showed no fear.  The weekend turned out to be very peaceful, with just the voices and the wasps.  I shared every meal with them, and came back without one sting or bite.

I returned home with an even more enhanced sensitivity in my being, and I told my wife what had happened.  I was totally unconcerned with any reaction that I might receive from her.  After receiving her usual response that I was crazy, the voices took over my entire being, and spoke to her.  They told her of the healing of her hip, and the healing of my spirit through my near death experience with a clarity of understanding that I did not possess.  I felt their words soften her anger somewhat, and she did not speak to me for a couple of days.  Unfortunately this effect was not long in lasting, for she did not want to hear what was said.  It seemed obvious to me that she was still addicted to her own anger and suffering, and was not going to change.

That evening, I dreamed I was in a place with a beautiful blue sky, and I saw many colored translucent bubbles floating around.  Some seemed to coalesce into groups with each other, while others just migrated from one group to another.  Inside of these bubbles, were smaller circular objects with transparent conduits protruding from the inside of them, and I could see small sparkles of energy travel through these conduits from each circular object, with varying degrees of intensity.  It was truly a beautiful sight, but I lacked the understanding of any meaning to what I was witnessing.

The voices told me that I was looking at the human thought process.  The coalesced bubbles were from similar thought processes, which grouped themselves together to form large families of bubbles.  The smaller circular objects within the bubble contained all of the different thoughts that we have experienced during our current lifetime, and the tiny sparkles of light were the energy that we put into these thoughts.  I could feel a certain sickness emanating from some of the groups: many others contained varying degrees of love, light and compassion.  Again I was reminded of how powerful thoughts truly are and the creative effects that they have on the reality of this world and the universe, both of which are truly our home.

It was unfortunate that my wife and I were eventually separated and divorced, because she had refused to give up her drinking, and we had grown too far apart.  In actuality I had I became truly at a loss as how to explain all that had happened in my life to anyone, and I thought that no one else would understand.

The voices told me to feel and see with my heart, and to look for what was on the inside of a person, and to ignore what was on the outside.  My love for these voices has grown immeasurably over the years, for eventually I found the one woman I could truly love unconditionally.  Her heart is also overflowing with love and understanding, and her compassion for gentleness and kindness is greater than my own.  We have been together for over two years, without one single disagreement or argument.

It was about 3AM on March 26 of this year, when I swiftly sat upright in my bed, for the voices had told me that it was time for me to write of my experiences.  I felt both uneasy and apprehensive, for I had never tried to put this experience into words.  I tried not to take the voices too seriously, but I could not fall back to sleep.  My tossing and turning awoke my beautiful wife and I told her of the dream.  She also thought that it was a good idea.  We both finally fell back to sleep, unaware of the implications of what I had been told.  That very same day, I was included in a layoff from work, and somehow my wife's intuitiveness told her that what had happened would give me the time to write.  If it had not been for her love and support, I doubt that this experience would have been put to words so soon.

The intent of writing all of this down is not to just write a story about an NDE.  I now know that this is not an exclusive experience.  I consider myself to be no different than anyone else, but I still have this strange combination of feelings of compassion and suffering.  The only difference is that they are no longer directed inward; but rather outward toward other people.  I find myself so sensitive to our environment, that I am unable to watch television, read the newspaper or listen to the radio.  I have not shut myself out from this world; it's just that I can no longer think within its terms.  I have experienced a very shifted view of a physical and spiritual reality, and it causes me great suffering to know that sometimes in this world, our anger can manifest itself with useless wars, untimely death and destruction of our own making.  Even though we seem to be stuck in this cycle, it does not have to be this way.

Truly, the healing that we all need is within our own thoughts.  Somewhere during the course of this lifetime, we all have felt alone and afraid.  This is the experience of the large black hole that we all try to fill up with something: i.e. drugs, sex, possessions, work.  The list is endless.  If you don't believe that this is the truth, then take a real good look around you.  Look at our world, your family, friends, and then take a real good look at yourself.  This seeing is not a time for any judgments whatsoever, for anger and judging are one and the same.  Rather it is a starting place of our own process of un-learning separateness.  Instead of usual running away in fear from this, I am asking all of us to do the unusual: to have enough courage to stop, turn around and face it.

This un-learning of separateness requires no hope or faith for its fulfillment.  It is a very natural state in the process of self-realization.  You will find this black hole within everyone and that in most cases it will contain absolutely nothing.  This nothingness is the driving force in our spirit that causes us so desperately to try and find some meaning to our lives.

I cannot over emphasize the importance of this, nor can I just give it to you from my words.  It must be experienced as the truth in all of us, by a brutal forgiving honesty.  Once realized, it becomes obvious that we are all in the 'family of one', separateness having been dropped as we all search to fill this nothingness.

The universe was created out of love, and we are all a part of that creation.  The unconditional love that I felt during my NDE was very powerful.  Instinctively we fear this kind of love by layering it with many conditions.  The greatest fear we face is, will this love I give be returned?  It's as if we all think that we only have so much to give, and that it might run out.  We tend to look at other's failures as the only reality in this world, and become even more fearful of this powerful emotion.  Somehow we have forgotten that the giving of love is the blessing, and returns to the sender an abundance of even more to give.  This is the lesson that we all have to learn; this is what we need to fill that big black hole with!  I know in my spirit that these lessons will be learned by all, and then we shall all be transformed into new planes, and be given even greater gifts to share.

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Fugitive is shown all his happiest moments

November 9th 1989 around 10pm, cold night for the weather. I was running from several peace officers and helicopter. I hid under a pomegranate tree that had never been trimmed. I hid under leaves so well only the helicopter knew I was there. They sent in K-9 (Bronco was his name), he found me right away. I grabbed his cheeks while lying on my stomach and held him from biting my head. Officers pulled me out by my feet, while I dragged the dog with me through the underbrush. One officer broke my hold of the dog and started to handcuff me. I couldn't hold the dog anymore, then he grabbed my other hand and handcuffed me while the dog mauled my head. I kept my face down so he wouldn't rip it up. We argued back and forth both of us not letting up. So the dog continued long after that until an officer grabbed him and said I had enough.

He stood me up and blood was running unstoppable. As I waited for the ambulance my legs gave out and I fell to my knees feeling scared of the feeling I was having. Ambulance finally came and I was so cold the blood from my head kept me warm on the gurney. They rolled me fast through the E.R. and I could see all the lights passing. They wrapped my head preparing me for surgery, when my body started shaking uncontrollably. I panicked even more and then everything went black!

Don't know for how long but then the darkness was giving way to dim light. I started to see my body and the doctors working on me. I wasn't really conscious but I could see peripherally. This light that was drawing me towards it was so intense and mesmerizing. Then two film strips on the left side of me started flashing back all the happiest moments I had ever had from when I was born till that moment. I recognized every script it was showing. And made me feel indescribably joyful while the light kept intensifying from everywhere. I loved this feeling growing on me and couldn't think of nothing else. Then a phone rang and I answered hello and my friend said Junior!!!!! That's what they call me. And everything went dark again.

When the dim light started appearing again it was a doctor looking at my eyes with a light and he said, "we almost lost you there." He told me to count back from ten to zero. I got to sseevveennnn. And lights out again. When I came to, I was in recovery.

Thanx for listening .... We don't pass away ... We continue collecting memories that equal Infinite Light to balance the Darkness we all have to experience....

Suicide is told she has no business trying to "get in"

I was 17 years old when I met my emotionally abusive boyfriend. He had a profound effect on me that lasts to this day, over 30 years later. Over the course of a year, he convinced me to join him in a suicide pact, claiming that we were "better" than the rest of society and deserved to be "somewhere else." He was a drug addict and because of the mental hold that he had over me and the desire to be high with him, I abandoned my family and friends. It was such a pivotal time in my young life and I have always fantasized about never having met him, wishing that I could’ve kept the precious friends that I had and never killed the relationship with my parents, as I was an only child.

I was at his beck and call, to go to him whenever he wanted, because he had enough drugs for us to overdose on. It could be in the middle of the night when I would miss school the next day and cause my parents to be sick over my sudden disappearance. When he moved over 4 hours away to an out-of-state school, I again went to him anytime that he asked. By the time that I arrived, the drugs either disappeared or he decided that he just wasn't ready to go.

He called one night, asking me to make another long drive to see him, and I actually refused. I can only wish that I had more time to become tired of the routine and come to my senses on my own, realizing that I was worth far more than the puppet that he made me feel I was. I couldn't reach him when I called the next morning and found out that he had finally decided to take his life. I wonder if he would have done it sooner if I never came. Perhaps the time alone that he had waiting for me and not showing up made him realize that it was more important for him to die than waiting for me to end my life, too.

My parents forbade me to make the drive to where he was because they knew how raw I was and that that environment was the last place I needed to be. I was extremely distraught over the experience. My mom lost over 10 pounds and she was already quite thin. I looked like absolute hell, judging from the few pictures taken of me after his death.

After his funeral, I was already seriously planning to kill myself. When the time was right and I found the top floor of an empty parking deck, I took an entire package of OTC sleep medicine and sat in my car waiting. I saw my fingernails turn yellow and soon could not move at all. I was already leaning back in my seat in a sleeping position when I began to focus on the sky through my car window. In a trance and without leaving my body, I felt my consciousness move to a particular set of clouds. I was still mostly aware of my surroundings and that I still couldn’t feel my body since it was numb.

What I saw after a few moments wasn’t a person, but a male presence, “looking down” at me. He was upset and annoyed that I was trying to "get in" to where he was. I could sense a few people behind him, males and females, who I felt were just there to passively accompany him until they could all return to where they had come from.

He spoke to me and I felt like I was being reprimanded. It was a mean display of emotion and I knew that he was angry. I was told not to come any further and that I had absolutely no right to come there. Even now, I feel the emotions and how sad and hurt I felt. I just kept "hearing" that I had no business there and to more or less get the hell away. Then I felt myself "pushed" back into my body. I became fully aware then of my surroundings and I willed my body to return to its normal state. I still couldn’t move, but desperately tried to sit up and look for any cars or people that I could yell for help to. I finally regained full use of my body and was able to drive home where I must’ve slept for two days.

I never tried to commit suicide after that. Over time, I developed this overwhelming knowing that I was being watched and the beings that were looking over me loved me in ways that no human could. I still feel it to this day and my belief system in the afterlife, even other dimensions, has increased exponentially. I am grateful for that experience and so grateful to know that I am so strongly loved.

I do wish, as I get older, that I could go "home." It is not a thought with intent, but more of a happy knowing that there will be a long break after I leave my already tired body before I come back again to learn new lessons.

The divine Love we share between us is all that truly matters and is measured and endures

As a young girl of 10, I became ill with strep throat and pneumonia, with a relentless high fever. I had been very sick for a couple of weeks with an increasingly sore throat, cold-like symptoms, coughing, and mounting breathing difficulty. (I had always had breathing problems and after this was formally diagnosed with asthma.) I eventually became unresponsive and was taken to hospital. There, during medical assessment, I was first stripped of all clothing and was wrapped in cold, wet sheets in an attempt to alleviate my soaring temperature. After diagnosing me, they gave me an injection of penicillin, to which I had an allergic reaction, resulting in an “anaphylactic shock-induced death.”

I found myself out of my body and floated up to the upper-right rear corner of the hospital room. As I looked down, I saw what was supposed to be me—a long, skinny body wrapped in white sheets—but the body wasn’t me. I felt a complete and total disidentification with the body, while I, the real me, was dispassionately observing the hospital staff frantically attending to it with an intense and increasing flurry of activity. The concern and attention they had for this body was interesting, yet no one noticed I was there, watching from outside of it.

Through the wall, I could see my distraught mother down in the hallway. On some level, I sensed and felt her angst, and I wanted her to know that I was all right, that she needn’t worry or be upset.

Her upset was no doubt heightened by the fact that, prior to my being in this room, the doctor had sternly and angrily chastised her. Why had she not brought me for medical attention far sooner? We had been at my great aunt’s cottage. It was summer. My illness progressed to the point where my fever remained high and constant—at least 104 degrees for two days—and my body would shiver uncontrollably. Though hot to the touch, I kept saying how cold and freezing I felt.

So my mother heeded my great aunt’s advice and covered me in blankets and put a woolen hat on my head. In addition, my aunt slathered me with Vicks VapoRub and wrapped a sock around my neck. All this naturally raised my fever, which is how I became unresponsive. The doctor was angry with my mother for bringing me into the hospital in blankets and a woolen hat, with a sock around my neck. He made a comment that she was cooking me to death and sternly sent her away to wait elsewhere. (My mother would tell me this many years later.)

As I continued to disinterestedly watch all the activity, a light began to fill the room, enveloping everything in sight, making its way to me, wrapping itself around me. I no longer saw anything else but this light. The physical scene below had now faded and disappeared. The light grew brighter and brighter. It was gorgeous, magnificent. Brilliant white silvery light swirled and glided, forming and melding around me.

Exquisitely soothing and flowing, it invited and welcomed me into itself. It was as though I looked into a corridor of light. The light pulled and drew me into itself and enveloped me. I had no resistance, as it felt so inviting and completely natural. I merged with the light, and became it. It was me, and I was it, without differentiation.

As the light now, I/we moved along this shining tunnel. The light was so intensified that’s there’s nothing to compare it to on earth. It was like when you look up and see shafts of sunlight shining onto you through the leaves of trees, only magnified in brightness thousands of millions of times.

In this pulsing brilliance, there was such a soft gentleness. I felt profound, exquisite LOVE. A joining and remembrance of being this Love, this true and perfect essence. I was and am that. All was perfect and whole. It felt unceasing and limitless. The indescribable, effulgent Love was what I was. And I was at peace. Complete peace. There were no thoughts, only blissful, peaceful silence and contentment beyond words. Only oneness prevailed.

At some point, there was what seemed to be a soft hum in the background and a gentle sound of whooshing air or wind all around. Yet it was not distracting nor disturbing. It was beautiful. I was part of it too.

Before me appeared a magnificent being radiating forth pure Divine Love. This being was formless and was softly and ethereally pulsating, yet somehow it seemed to have a hint of form, liked a blended, ever-so-faint outline that was even more radiantly brilliant (though, paradoxically, of the same brilliance as all else around it).

There seemed to be a recognition of this being as an entity “other” than myself. And yet at the same time, it was also an aspect of who I was, and therefore, in essence, was ultimately also me. There was thus no sense of separation.

On each side of this magnificent being was another form. These two additional beings felt equally powerful, yet slightly smaller and a half-step back, even though their edges (and their entirety) intermingled with the central being. They also seemed to be more in observation. (I almost don’t want to say “they” here, because all three beings felt like one.)

We all shared this intense feeling of LOVE. Our communication was silent, absent of words, telepathic. This form of communication was all-knowing, like windows into the heart of the soul, through which the communication expanded both outward and inward. We read one another’s thoughts instantaneously. There was no room for even a smidgen of miscommunication. The whole picture of each expression was perfect. The three beings and I expressed everything so clearly, succinctly, and eloquently. The thought-forms flowed back and forth simultaneously, all at once. We all heard one another.

I had a sense that the being in the center was God, the Creator, and the thought-forms of the other beings were expressed to me through this one central consciousness. All was perfect. I felt that I was at home, basking, enfolded, and cradled in the heart of the source of all Love. Home in the heart of God.

Even though there was no sense of time or sequence, I then recall an ever-so-slight discomfort, a reluctance to agree to that which was next asked of me. This was to consider taking a look at my life, to review it, and then decide whether to remain in this loving embrace of divine perfection or to return to my body.

The idea of returning to the physical was definitely a highly unpleasant one, to say the least, and I attempted to refuse entirely. Patiently and with loving understanding, I was informed that indeed I could remain and not return to the physical if that’s what I chose. Yet I was gently encouraged to first take a look at my life prior to making that decision. I felt an increasingly strong sense of resistance to this, and yet in the same instant, a knowingness that I needed to.

I wasn’t forced in any way. The decision came from a deep internal knowing that it was the right and necessary thing to do. And so I agreed, however reluctantly, to take a look, and as a result experienced a very vivid life recall.

It was both painful and exquisitely beautiful. It was like viewing a film, filled with precise detail. Every single thought, word, deed, decision, and action was brought forth and re-experienced and re-examined. It was self-evaluation, with total transparency and honesty. Throughout, I was never judged by any of these divine beings. They simply held me in Love, with complete compassion and acceptance.

In this review, I realized that I was every single person I’d ever encountered or thought of. As I merged with and became them, I felt exactly what they experienced as a result of my loving or unloving thoughts and actions. I saw it all from their point of view, not only how my actions affected them, but then through them affected others they encountered, as the effects kept on going.

I saw that the love we express ripples out, creating an everlasting beauty that is often unbeknownst to us at the time. I saw this happen when I spoke a heartfelt word, thought a truly kind thought or gave undivided attention to someone. I recall simple gestures having the most impact, like a spontaneous and genuine smile. For example, I smiled at a woman I passed on the street and it turned her day around. She had been feeling disheartened about life, and my smile changed her interactions later that day with her children and others. On some level, I heard her thanking me.

In our essence, we are powerful and loving beings, and we are given countless opportunities to act from that love, endless chances to learn and grow by offering and receiving love. It felt as if we are living inside a grand game, which is perfectly designed to always give us another opportunity to get it right this time.

For instance, I saw a disheveled man. It was as though in the “game” he’d been dressed in this disguise to give others an opportunity to respond with kindness. But when I and others judged him—actually believed him to be “disheveled”—I felt his profound sadness and regret. On a higher level, I earnestly apologized to him and then immediately felt his forgiveness bestowed on me.

I saw that everything we do makes a difference. The impact we have on one another is profound. And all of it is registered telepathically somewhere in our minds, so that we carry within ourselves the consequences for our thoughts, words, and deeds. We have a responsibility, and we hold ourselves accountable for all of it. I could see that the effects we impose on others by our unlovingness become our personal hell. Hell is not a place we’re banished to as punishment. There is no punitive God. Hell is the self-judgment that keeps us imprisoned. We do it to ourselves.

Yet none of that is real. In the end, only the Love is real. The divine Love we share between us is all that truly matters, and is measured, and endures.

In this process of ruthlessly honest self-reflection, nothing went unnoticed. Nothing was able to be hidden. Nothing. Not one single thing. This life review was like going through everything with a fine-tooth comb, looking under every rock, leaving no stone unturned, seeing into each crevice with a Divine Light that revealed every hidden place. And through the entire process, it was all looked at and discerned through the lens of Love. Love prevailed. And I remembered.

In the life review, there was an interlude in which I was taken by the hand and led into another realm. It resembled earth because there were trees, sparkling sand, and aquamarine water. There were fruit-laden trees, lush foliage, and vibrantly colored birds. Everything was alive—each flower and every glistening grain of sand. Floral fragrances filled the air. (Even now, when I smell lilies and freesia, I’m transported back to that memory.) It was all soft and ethereal and vivid at same time.

I was not in a solid body, nor were the others. Rather, we were in these shimmering, flowing, ethereal garments. Everyone floated and glided, just inches above the ground. We could pass right through one another, and when we did, we felt a ripple of heightened intensity above our already sustained joy. As I glided slowly along, my “hand” would pass through the flowers and meld with and become them, and there would be that same ripple of joy. As I passed another, our thoughts communicated instantly. We had a sense of seeing into and becoming each other. We knew we were all one another. We felt an ecstatic joy that never stopped. It would build and intensify, ebb, and flow, yet it never stopped. I want to use the word “orgasmic,” but not in the sense we experience on earth. It was simple; it was Love, completely pure and unceasing Love.

I was nearing more readiness to agree to return to the body, but was still reluctant and leaning towards saying no. Then I was asked, still without words, would I look at a few more things? And I agreed. I was then given glimpses of life ahead still to be lived. Those included the seeming challenges I would face, along with all the precious beauty that was inherent within them.

I was shown the children that I would birth into the world. I felt my love for them and theirs for me, along with the love between me and many others yet to come into my life.

I saw how my mother would be devastated if I “died,” never forgiving herself, thinking that she was responsible for my death. One of the beings I met there, who felt like my older brother (my mother had not yet informed me that she had given birth to a stillborn boy before me), told me how my (our) mother would be very, very sad.

After what I was shown of the life ahead, I was informed that if I chose to return, I would temporarily forget it all and that it would gradually come back to me in the living of my life.

Everything I was shown in the past review and the future preview was vibrant and vivid, with intensely amplified feelings. I felt reassured that all would be well; more than that—all would be and is perfect. (I don’t recall specifics of the future view. I don’t recall details of an eventual physical death. I can remember none of that.)

Toward the end of the life review and future glimpses, there was an event that seemed like a finale of sorts. One last gift to be shared and shown to me.

It was as though I walked into an enormous, open, ethereal space, not on earth. In this place, absolutely everyone I had ever encountered, even including people I had just passed on the street—literally everyone—was there before me. It was a vast sea of people, and I was awestruck.

As I looked around, there were faces of people who had been more prominent in my life: family, close friends, ancestors. These were more in the forefront. But also present were all those I had interacted with in passing on the street, in a park—everywhere I ever went in my life.

Once I got over the initial amazement of what felt like a grand surprise, I looked over the sea of faces, and the message that came from all of them together was, “Welcome home. Welcome, we’ve been waiting for you.” (My God, the profoundness of this brings tears to my eyes, tears of overwhelming gratitude and joy.)

This experience forever instilled in me a deep, knowing sense that no one is or will be left behind. We wait for one another. We wait for everyone. We wait for however long it takes to walk one another back home. It’s as though we play an unconditionally loving witness to one another’s lives. There was so much Love infused that it is indescribable and brings me to my knees in remembrance. It was like a reunion.

We then went on to excitedly reminisce in a way, in mind-to-mind communication: “Oh yes, I remember, when I said (or did or thought) that to you, you said (or did or thought) that to me.” “And then I felt and did…,” etc., etc. It’s as if the divine in us is always supporting one another toward our eventual union with our Creator. What a revelation this part was. It was like a grandly orchestrated event on every level.

A most wonderful aspect of this was how, above the surface interactions, there is a whole completely perfect other level of communication going on at all times. Even when the interaction might appear to be hurtful, when seen from that other, higher level, it is only and always from Love and always in the highest good for both people. It’s as though I saw behind the scenes, behind the curtain of physical interactions, to what is always really going on. There’s a divine intelligence at work all the time. It was incredibly funny as well to see how I had often taken things so seriously. What a tremendous relief this was to see insights into what was really going on. That is what was revealed to me in our excited reminiscing. The whole thing felt like a celebratory party.

Once this “reunion” felt complete and I understood what I was meant to fulfill going forward, I then chose to return to the physical. I felt I had been given a great assignment of responsibility, and I vowed to fulfill it. It was not one big, important task. Rather, it was inherent in all that I had experienced: to be truly kind and express love at all times. Quite simply, I had fallen short and could do better this time. Going back into human life to play out this earthly “game” was still tinged with reluctance, though this was tempered by the magnificent Love I’d just experienced and the knowledge that we’d all meet again.

This entire experience must have happened within a few moments, but where I was, there was no time, and it seemed to have gone on forever.

Perhaps my point of decision was when the doctor had counteracted the penicillin, which had stopped my heart, with adrenaline to get my heart beating again. In my experience, though, as soon as I said yes to the choice to return, I had a sensation of falling backwards into the light, like it all happened in reverse, but faster now, as if I was being pulled, sucked back through it all, falling backwards.

As this falling sensation began, I asked one last question: “Will I—and when will I—have the opportunity to return to the love and light of this my home and remain?” The answer was a resounding “Yes. Yes, my child.” And as to when, I heard (as I continued to fall backwards), “Yes in…when…bring” and then I heard numbers. It was either 1,000, 10,000, 100,000 or all of those. (Whether these referred to years, days, people, situations, lifetimes, or something else, I don’t know, and perhaps don’t need to know). I couldn’t hear clearly, and I don’t fully remember the details. I was falling backwards so fast that the communication became fainter. I heard the voice still (telepathically) speaking, but it became fainter and fainter, and I was straining to hear and gather it all.

And then I was back in the body.

I felt I understood it all. There was so much information, but it was all inside of me. The experience was about Love, an unconditional Love that transcends words. A Love so magnificent and perfect. And that grand Love resides within us all, equally. One human body could not carry nor sustain the magnitude of its unlimited power. We all share it equally. Love of this magnitude is truly indescribable in words. It is an otherworldly realm of indescribable radiance. Our purpose is to remember this Love, and help one another remember. And the opportunities are always right there, in front of us.

This experience has remained a touchstone for me my entire life. It has walked beside me the whole way. In particular, it has given me a sense of the preciousness of every interaction and the opportunity for divine love to pass between us in the smallest of exchanges.

Since the experience, I've become more intuitive/knowing and had several experiences that are considered mystical, visions, including spontaneous healing many years later.


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