NDE Accounts

Archive through January 3, 2005

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 09:16 pm:

It was about 8:30 PM; I had just put all my children to sleep and got off the Internet with my husband who was in Iraq at the time, he was getting ready to come home on emergency leave due to my illness.

I had said my good byes and told him that I wasn't feeling good. He then told me to get some rest. About five minutes after I left my computer, I felt dizzy and started getting light headed, so I went to the restroom and started a hot bath. That is what I usually did when I felt that way; I had had several surgeries that year and had many infections. So the feeling wasn't new to me.

I got into the bath tub and started splashing my face with water. When I took my hand away from my face, all I saw were people. I pushed my way through the people and grabbed the phone that was in my room. (I must have only pushed redial.) I couldn't see the floor or my room, only many people. I remember thinking that I didn't want to die yet. I kept on saying, “No, no, I can’t go now.” I haven't seen my mom yet.

When my mom and step dad showed up, I don't remember going down the stairs or how my mom saw me when she got here. I came to, I guess, when I saw my step dad. I remember them both carrying me to the car. On the way to the hospital, I remember going in and out and my mom saying, "Shelley, Shelley.” I also remember the two ladies that were in my house, whom I didn't know. But when the people showed up (in my house), I felt like I knew some of them, but most of them I didn't know. Two of the ladies were in my mom’s car; they didn't say a word just looked at me when I looked at them. I was scared when I saw them in the house, but I remember that in the car I wasn't scared; I felt comfort.

When we got to the ER, and the nurse took my blood pressure, she rushed me back to the ER room and called the doc. There were nurses and doctors everywhere. They started to ask me questions. I remember answering, but not being heard. No one could hear me, and I was screaming the answers!! I remember getting very mad because no one could hear me. I remember hearing the doctor saying “I don't think she is here”, and I remember saying “I’m here, I’m here!!”

As they cut my clothes off, I really remember one nurse saying, "Doctor, she's going into cardiac arrest!" Right when she said that, I saw my lifeless body lying on the ER bed and my mom in a chair, crying in shock.

Behind me became bright and I saw a hand. I turned around and looked at myself and didn't turn back around. That hand touched my shoulder. When I saw what was going on in the ER and saw myself, I panicked and started pleading to god, to whomever that touched me, “Let me go back, please let me come back. I have children and a husband that need me! No, not now god. Please not now. My husband is on his way home; he knows I’m sick and he's coming home from Iraq. Please not now.” Even though I felt peace, comfort, and complete love behind me and around me, I didn't want to go. The next thing I saw was the room become bright and the light behind me was even brighter. I remember turning around crying, and I asked, one more time, “Please, Lord not now.”

The next thing I knew, I was inside my body again. I looked up and saw the defibrillator above. I opened my mouth and said “Are you the plumber that's going to fix the pipes in my basement?? I’m glad you showed up. Let me show you the problem!!” The doctors and nurses looked at me like I was crazy, like when you look at someone in disbelief? The doctor put down the defibrillators, shined the light into my eyes, and checked me out for about five minutes. I turned to my Mom and said I love you. And I started to cry.

The doctor walked out and after about 15-20 minutes of sitting there, the nurse came back in and said that the doctor would not be returning because he was shaken up about what just happened. She handed me my discharge papers and said “The Lord must have been with you because we all thought you were a gonner.” I looked at the discharge paper and the doctor had put down severe unexplained weakness. Leaving the ER room, I was still dizzy and unbalanced. My mother and I drove home; I remember my mom asking me why was I looking towards the back seat so much. I said nothing, but I was looking for those two ladies. I got back home and looked in on each of my children, and kissed each one. My husband got back from Iraq three days later. I had another surgery two days after that to take out the damaged infected tissue in my stomach and spine.

Another two weeks after my surgery, my husband had to return to Iraq. My children and I waited another five months for my husband to come home. Since my NDE, my life has changed so much I take nothing for granted. It took me right until my husband was going to leave for Iraq to finally tell him about what happened to me. I don't speak about this to many, only the ones I’m close to because of the fear of them looking at me as a crazy person. But the people that I have told never have looked at me in that manner and always want to know more, like my story will get longer?? Or change?? Every time I used to hear stories like this, I used to say “Okay?? Yah, right??“ But, now I consider myself lucky to know what it feels like, and I know when it is finally my time to go, I won’t be scared.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 08:33 pm:

This account may seem bizarre, it is my perspective, 9 years after the experience.

I went to bed and fell asleep - as you do - however, I was (suddenly... some time after going to bed?) plunged into a very black dark void. While being in this void I also knew (?) that I was dead and needed to look for 'the light'.

It felt very natural, as if this was the next logical thing to do, I was not at all worried about the fact that I was dead. Knowing that I have died seemed totally irrelevant and unimportant. I was not even slightly curious or interested in the body or life I had left behind.

While looking for 'the light' within this extremely dark void a voice said to me: 'Go back, it is not your time yet'. This is also strange as it was not really a voice I heard, but more like a thought that was running through my brain (consciousness).

After this... I woke up and had no air in my lungs. I had to inhale deeply and then used my asthma pump.

I must have had an asthma attack... or did I? I have not had an experience like this before or during the last nine years.

Interestingly, I have been on a life support machine last year and almost died - pneumonia - BUT did not have a NDE???

The 1995 experience is a mystery to me, but still very real. I was not particularly religious or thinking of death at that time of my life. I was a total atheist who did not believe in life after death.

It could be argued that it was only a dream, I can accept that. But I have to say that it was the most vivid dream I have ever had and it haunts me to this very day. It felt real and true; and when I woke up from that life support machine last year, I knew (again) it was not my time to die yet, even though I did not have another NDE.

Now I have to confess, I have not become a believer of any 'religion' as a result of my NDE. But I have experienced a 'shift' in how I look at life / death:

1) There is life after death! However, this may result in a loss of 'personal identity' as known on earth.

2) Dying will feel like a natural process of life.

3) Perhaps there is a God and perhaps this is what the 'light' means.

Well, this is my story. Not exciting or sensational, but really bizarre for me as an individual. I believe this to have been a true NDE, although not what others may expect from such an experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, January 3, 2005 - 08:28 pm:

I was very very sick one night. vomiting, fever, the most torturous pain in my stomach. I thought I was really on my way. I could not stand, I could not lie down, all I could do was scream and cry and that was an agonising effort in itself. I yelled, I screamed, I wailed, I begged “Please help me... oh god help me... In that moment I felt something touch my third eye gently and I was knocked out. The next thing, I am lying above myself. Three native healers came in a light form. I swear this to you as I sit here now. They mixed herbs and rubbed them on my stomach. One chanted a beautiful deep harmonious song. They stayed and laid their hands on me. They disappeared and the touch again came on my third eye. I awoke in tears of joy and confusion. The pain was gone. It was one of the most beautiful experiences of my life and I will cherish it for as long as I live.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, November 5, 2004 - 07:13 pm:

June 1992 I gave birth to my 3rd child. While in labor at the hospital around 5 am, we had a 7. 2 earthquake and lost all light except the generator lights. Gave birth at 6:20 am. Placenta took a long time to come out. When it finally came out it felt as if someone ripped off a band-aid inside my uterus. I asked the midwife if the placenta looked normal or if it looked like a piece was missing. She looked at it and said it looked fine. The male nurse came in to do the blood test. He opened the needle and the 2nd quake hit. This one a 7. 0!

After it stopped shaking he looked at the tray where the needle was lying opened and exposed, he picked up the needle, ran his fingers across it, realized he didn’t have any more needles with him, and promptly stuck me with the needle before I had a chance to say anything. I assumed he never touched the tip of the needle and that it had remained sterile on the tray as he proceeded with the blood test, but I don’t know for sure.

They moved me to the next bed and gave me the baby. I started to get excruciating cramps in my uterus. I bent over backwards in pain, and 2 midwives came rushing to my help. They massaged and squeezed my stomach/uterus and a ‘mountain’ of blood clots, the size of 5-6 of my husband’s fists came out. They put me on a petosin IV to contract the uterus and stop the bleeding.

10 days after the birth, my friends had invited me to the park for a baby shower. My older children are 6 and 3 ½. Upon arriving I started to hemorrhage. I went to the bathroom and realized that I was loosing blood quickly. I told my friends what was going on, and quickly drove home, (5min away). Luckily it stopped bleeding as I was driving home. My husband came home from work and took me to the hospital where they examined me and kept me for observation for 2 hours. They told me the bleeding was probably caused by a second lining of the uterus, and told me to come back if it should happen again.

The next day. Around 8 pm I started to hemorrhage again. This time I had several blood clots the size of my husbands fists come out. My husband called the hospital and asked if we should come back. While he was on the phone, the bleeding stopped. They scheduled an appointment with the OB Gyn. at [another hospital] for the next day.

The next day. It’s now 12 days after the birth and at 9 am I saw the doctor. I told him what had happened so far. He examined me and told me there wasn’t much bleeding going on at the moment, and that it was probably just another lining that had come out! In the evening around 8 pm I started to hemorrhage for the 3rd time. Several blood clots the size of my husband’s fists came out. My husband and my father drove me back to the hospital. I told the hospital staff what had happened so far. The doctor examined me. He told me there wasn’t much bleeding going on right then, and that they would keep me for observation. I laid on the bed in the emergency room waiting for the bleeding to start again. I called the nurse for help as my body now had violent diarrhea. She left, and I waited. After about an hour I started to hemorrhage again. This is now the 4th time I was hemorrhaging. After I had 2-3 blood clots the size of my husbands fists come out in about 2 minutes, the nurse, by chance, opened the door to check on me. ”Oh my God” she said. She yelled for help and I could hear the call for the head doctor on the hospital loud speakers. The “head” doctor arrived and examined me with the help of his assistant. While he examined me I passed another blood clot. I told him I wasn’t feeling well. He called everybody into the room and my bed was tipped backwards.

The nurse on my right quoted my blood pressure as it fell. I could feel myself fading away, but at the same time I had extremely clear hearing! “50 over 15 hurry” she yelled. I could feel the nurse on my left working on my arm trying to insert the IV. I felt like I was riding an elevator that had lost its cables, plunging towards its final destination, I realized I was dying. Part of me, my soul started floating out of my body. I felt myself hovering about 3 feet above my body, but felt as if a piece of me was still in my body trying to hold on and getting the soul to come back inside! Like a struggle of strength to see which one was stronger, the soul or the body. There was an extreme feeling of peace, words insufficient to describe the feeling. The whole event must not have lasted more than maybe 30 seconds or a minute, and I’ve had a hard time figuring out why so many things happened to me as a result of this event when I didn’t even go to heaven, nor see the tunnel or light? I’ve tried to capture what I felt in this poem.

Thank You God

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, November 5, 2004 - 07:06 pm:

I was dreaming. Then, suddenly, I was pulled into a tunnel - I was moving tremendously fast. I knew it was not just a dream anymore - I remember thinking - "I'm dying, I'm dying!” I moved through the tunnel, and there was wonderful music all around - similar to Enya, Clannad, that sort of sound. But even more beautiful. I had a feeling of complete calm, safety and joy - a kind of joy which is not physical, but spiritual. Words can't describe it, anyway. I was pulled through the tunnel, and there was an area in the middle of it, where there was a kind of status quo - where forces pulled both ways - back, or further into the tunnel. At this point, I saw a tremendous light at the end of the tunnel - some kind of being was standing there. An angel? Christ? I don't know. This being can best be described like a polished saxophone, with light pouring out from all the buttons. These "buttons" were points or light sources coming out from the "being.” Then, I heard a voice, yelling, slightly distressed - a woman's voice - "Not yet, not yet!” She said this in Norwegian ("Ikke ennå, ikke ennå!"). I was pulled back, with the same great speed as before, and was out of the tunnel. Then I woke up. I knew I had been out of this world. I remember asking: "Can I tell about this experience?.” I felt that the answer was: "Yes.” I told my mother and sister about it the next morning - but my mother, maybe a little concerned about the seriousness of the thing, dismissed it. She told me that I had been dreaming of getting a saxophone when I was 16 years old (I had), and that this explained why I saw saxophone-like things. I didn't push it - I felt they wouldn't understand. I knew what I had experienced, that was enough for me! I've never had any "dream" like this later - only this one time. It was not a dream - it was real.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, October 27, 2004 - 06:18 pm:

My family moved in temporary in with my sister and brother-in-law's family. My brother-in-law recently had a transformation, as his counselor stated. Something she said was rare. I was not aware of this. This is also what happened to me just a week later. I didn't believe in God at this time.

A tape of inner child by John Bradshaw was playing as I folded clothes. Something he said, overwhelmed me. I heard the word GOD. I got chills and instantly acquired knowledge. I felt my core. I knew every question I had wanted to know since I could remember. I jumped with joy and happiness. I completely understood the family system. God filled my sole. I was on a HIGH. I didn't eat or sleep from excitement for about a week. I felt like people could see energy beaming from me. My brother-in-law completely understood. We had this knowledge of oneness. A gift, a miracle. God was pure love.

I spent years addressing my inner child and learning lessons God presented. I knew everything was for a reason. Good or Bad. It was hard to evaluate my own self. I could evaluate others. My family said I was brain washed. I felt my family disowned me. My sister divorced my brother-in-law. Two of us was too hard for her to bear. I disconnected from my family members. I think for about a year. I had to be careful with my words with people. It took maybe years to figure out a name for what happened. Twelve years later, I find this site I yearned for. I needed to be validated. Thank you for this site. I can continue to learn and have strength I need now.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:08 am:

I had more experience of violence through my mother before, but this was special. I do not remember why, but in a sudden my mother threw me (her yelling and arguing) against that radiator made of iron/steel. I remember I got out of my body, looking at the situation from above. No pain or physical feelings about reaching the radiator. (After 4 years an artist gave me a hint, that my nose must have been broken sometime before. Then I tried to connect this fact with the radiator-situation. My sister, 4 years younger, was witnessing the radiator-thing. No one went to a doctor with me.)

In fact: looking at me from above I was sure, could decide to be sure, that I would not feel anything about being violenced by my mother from now on. There was a "caring someone" with me above (could not see him, but feel). Don’t know how, but there was a kind of exchange: S/He would promise me to get none of these pains anymore, and I must have agreed to come back to earth having a "mission.” I looked for this "mission" year after year, and could get near. Now, I am a transgender person (between wo- and man), being the only person in [the country] working with deaf/hearing families as a family therapist.

There is a strong feeling, that I discovered my mission, happy about this. Losing the "right" direction made me always feel weak, depressed and physically ill. As an adolescent, I remembered always this mission, but forgot the related situation. I tried to get answers studying theology. After that I was member of communist party, quit and started to learn sign language - leading to my occupation now. People meeting me the first time give me good feedback: They are feeling, that “this is my thing.”

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:07 am:

I have to begin my account by pointing out that it is not possible to convey the richness of my experience with words. It’s a bit like trying to depict a magnificent sunset, by drawing it in sand with a stick. It was unique in other ways too. My memory of it hasn’t faded much, if at all, over 30 years. Although it was probably brought about by an overdose of drugs, it was nothing like an hallucination.

I had collapsed on my bed, either asleep or unconscious, but when I woke out of it, I knew it had not been any sort of dream. In fact it was far more real than normal waking consciousness. This aspect is so hard to explain. I was left with the conviction that a much greater reality exists for us beyond this one, I had seen it, been in it. What had happened to me was real, I mean really real, as if normal life is just an illusion in which we are immersed for our time here. Since the advent of ‘virtual reality’, I have found that is a good way to think of this existence. This reality is a wondrous, awesome creation, and it has purpose, but a far greater reality exists.

I did not find myself looking down on my body, but of course it was the middle of the night in a pitch dark room. I had been shooting up amphetamines and narcotics for two days. Somehow I had made my way to bed and collapsed there, totally out of it. Hours later I became aware that I was somehow apart from my body, and I remember feeling with surprise and wonder, that I had known the feeling before. It was before my life had begun, before I was born. I could feel my real self, and I recognized that I was the same self then and now. This was joyous. I was looking down on my life and seeing how unimportant all the hassles were. I could see life as though it were a game I had been playing, and how all the moves were just parts of the game.

Another way to describe this is the feeling you have when you have been engrossed in a really good book for hours, and then you put the book aside and notice the world around you. You had forgotten where you were and what time of day it was, because the story held all your attention. You take a deep breath and notice the real world, even as you reflect on what you have been reading. Well, life is sort of like the book, and having put it aside I could see and reflect on the whole story. I could see every part of my life, every event and instance all at once. Although it seemed instantaneous, I knew that every moment was there. These days I might say that I downloaded my hard drive. At the time, I think I tried to describe it as a replay in fast forward. I know this is out of sync with other folk’s accounts, but this is how it happened for me.

I then found myself traveling down a tunnel. It didn’t open up before me, or draw me into it. I was just in it, and really moving. I’m not sure how big it was. It seemed just big enough for me to travel through it. Although it felt like falling, there was no sense of up or down, just through. The tunnel was mostly dark, but I could sense the sides of it rushing past. I was facing forward the whole way through, if you can be said to face any way without a body. The practical part of me was looking ahead for obstacles on this exhilarating ride. The rest of me was thrilled by it. I tried to reach out to touch the sides, but I didn’t have hands. Well, not hands that I could feel with anyway. Words are so inadequate. I remember thinking that I should feel worried about hurtling along like this, and at the same time realizing that only my body could get hurt by an impact, and I had left it behind. Actually some of the modern special effects of a wormhole come pretty close to depicting the appearance of this tunnel, although without the extra dimensions of reality.

It was a very quick journey. A light appeared up ahead. It was the end of the tunnel and I rushed into it. There was no sensation of slowing down or coming to a stop. I was just there. I didn’t even think to look back. I was in a beautiful place. In everyday terms it was like a radiant, joyous landscape, on a summer afternoon, but it was so much more – inexpressibly beautiful, serene, and delightful, with the most wonderful light pervading everything. Something like rolling hills with carpets of wildflowers. There were many other people there, and they were blissfully happy. I can’t say how many - a multitude will have to do.

I was doing so much more than just seeing this; I was feeling it all with senses unimaginable. I knew these souls, they knew me. They radiated love and welcome. They were like family, and we rejoiced in our reunion. It was rapturous. Although we didn’t have physical bodies, we still ‘looked’ the same, just more complete.

Then a Being of pure light appeared in the distance, and I watched as it moved slowly among us. As it came closer, I remember thinking that I would not have been able to look at it with my eyes. It was such an intense, beautiful white light. A hundred times, a thousand times brighter than the sun. I was drawn irresistibly towards this being. I don’t mean unwillingly. I wanted nothing else but to go to it, fall into it, and be embraced by it. As I came closer I was overwhelmed by the feeling of pure love and understanding which emanated from this wondrous entity. This was by far the most wonderful and powerful feeling of my experience. Nothing can describe it.

This glorious, wonderful entity recognized me, understood every minute aspect about me, and poured love into me. The love was real and immeasurable. I never wanted to leave this divine Presence, but somehow, without explanation, I was given to understand that I would have to go back, and I understood that this was good and right and I ‘woke up’ in my bed, in the dark, thoroughly blown away by what had just happened to me. I walked around the house saying “that was no dream!” It had been so real, that waking life seemed like the dream for quite a while.

About two years later I first heard about Near Death Experiences. I could hardly believe the accounts I was reading (in a Readers’ Digest). Other people had had the same experience as me, and they were saying it was a near death thing. That made sense, considering the drugs I had taken at the time, but I never knew that perhaps I had nearly died. It had been the most joyful experience for me, with no negative aspects whatsoever. And yes, I gave up the drugs a long time ago.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:06 am:

It was on a Sunday afternoon, my husband had been to church that morning and felt God calling us to Children's ministry at a Baptist Children's Home. My Aunt and Uncle came to our home for a visit and we were sharing with them that we were about to embark upon a life of servant hood by being house parents at an orphanage.

Some time during this conversation, my spirit left my body and went to a very comforting, welcoming light. I experienced the greatest joy and peace, tranquility that I never knew was possible. I was aware of my surroundings and knew people I loved were there with me and others to, but there was no interaction with these people. I knew I was not in body and was not in the world that I was familiar with but somewhere else, whether it was heaven or in the present of Jesus Christ, I do not know. But this I do know, it was a place I did not want to leave and look forward to returning with great anticipation. As far as I know the experience was not detected in my home with my husband and guest so it must have been very brief, but will never be forgotten. Each time I recall this experience it seems as real today as it did 41 years ago. God Bless,

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:05 am:

In 2003, I had an aortic aneurism. They had to operate or I will die. As far as I was told, my body temp was lowered and I was under complete cardiac arrest for 61 mins.

I remember that I made a comment to myself about how the operating light could be the light that people were talking about as doctors seem to be working on somebody. I was standing at the background and I was a child again. There was an urge or a voice that called me and I ran off. The chronological order of the events that happened is fuzzy. When I was a child, I had an accident. I fell of a ravine and was found face down in a small creek. That event, in itself, was fuzzy because I was a child. However, it seem like I was transported to that moment in time and I was watching as people were trying to wake me up which I eventually did.

There were several other revelations such as the origin of man, evolution, the meaning of the holy trinity, souls, my past life, etc., was disclosed to my by a voice. Then as fast as it started, I heard my grandmother calling me and asking me what I am doing 'here' and pointed to my mother. My grandmother told me that I should run to my mother because she will take me home, it’s already late and I should not be there. I did as I was told. My mother was looking around, I was wondering why she cannot see nor hear me because I was standing right next to her. I grabbed her arm to get her attention, then I felt a huge slap in my face, I woke up and the nurse was telling me to relax.

Things were happening around me and I was scared out of my mind. The dreams were too vivid and I cannot comprehend reality from what happened. It felt like it never ended. My family was scared and they had me tested for brain damage. The doctor dismissed their concern as just plain old dementia. I felt detached, nobody wanted to listen. There were several changes in me that I often felt confused and afraid. At the present moment, I accept my situation and just stopped talking about it with my friends. At times, it feels like I am floating just above my head. I felt alien inside my own body. One thing I learned is to stop caring and just let it 'happen'.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:03 am:

Was driving east bound on old Freeway, thinking that I might not be able to turn on to the new section because I was too high to judge distances. All three lanes turned left onto the new section and if you didn't turn, you would crash into a barrier that was there. There was no shoulders on either side of Freeway down there, concrete wall on one side, barrier on other. Decided to try it anyway. Right before the end of the old section, my hands went limp, my body slumped over. My soul fell, fell, fell, fell, fell into darkness, the pit, nothingness, I died. Was cussing myself out, thinking I must of ODed; now I'm dead. The last thought I had was "Oh God.” Suddenly was pulled out of darkness, back into my body, which sat back up. Was in my body just for a split second, long enough to make the turn onto the new section. After that, my spirit keep rising.

Was thinking I can't believe this is happening to a piece of like me. Was looking down over earth, could see Michigan. Detroit had a red glow covering the whole city. The strangest noise I ever heard was blasting, or started to blast then, and I took off going a trillion billion miles up into the sky. I came up on 4 different energies with all this other energy all around me. The first energy, Good, moved from up in front of me, over to my left side, looking down on me, facing me from the left. The second, was my uncle who died back 1975, it wasn't his body, but for some reason I knew it was him. The third was my kids’ grandfather who died early that year. It wasn't his body, but I just knew it was him, for some reason. The forth was evil, the devil. These were very, very strong energies. As I was looking up at these energies, with all this other energy around me, I heard the Word of God. Here’s what I heard: ”You are a good man.” "All men have purpose.” "You have purpose.” "White man help the black man.” "Organize.” I started to fall back when all the energies started to line up in a row, in front of me. Right before the last energy, (evil), got in line, it showed it's face. First it was the ugliest, evil looking thing, then it smiled at me. As I started to fall, they fell behind me. Evil was last to fall. Back, back, back, back, back into my body.

I turned around and looked out my back window of the Pick-up truck I was in. The whole western sky was red. I had the radio on and it was like I understood music all of a sudden. When I got home that night, I had to write down what I heard but didn't have anything to write with. I took off my clothes and it looked like I had worms hanging out of my body. I took my lighter and tried to burn them off, but just ended up burning my skin. Then I went to sleep. I'm not exactly sure what night it happened, but I know the day I got up was Fathers Day in June of 1985. I have just recently became clean and sober with the help of A. A. and N. A. Have about sixty days clean. A lot of other stuff that happened earlier, during and after that night, but it would take too long to write it all down in this letter. The first time I ever read a Bible was after that happened; when I opened it, it landed on Psalm 107. After reading it, I knew God was still with me. Thank you for reading this letter and [for] your web site. I can relate with most of the after effects others have, who experienced death.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By reviewer on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 11:00 am:

I was taken to the hospital by ambulance with a blood pressure and blood oxygen level more on the side of death than life. I remember going upwards towards a reddish/gray sky, similar to that of a sunrise called a sailors warning. I was told that I could go on or go back. If I chose to go back, I would have to live out the ups and downs of recovery. When I awoke, my ex wife was there and I told her I had died. I also told my doctor that I had no body.

It has been over a year now since that experience. I have had some rough times, but I now have no desire for drugs that alter my mind or cause me not to see life as it truly is. I had taken prescription narcotics most of my life and not having the addiction to them anymore has been amazing. My psychiatrist thinks I am a miracle. I had suffered from severe clinical depression and general anxiety disorder for many years and had been on many medications. My medications now are limited. It is hard to explain, but I can now smell nature and hear nature like never before. I used to wake up in the morning and say. ”God it is morning.” How I say, "Thank God it is morning.” My life has changed.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:59 am:

The event started when me and some of the neighborhood kids were out playing soup can hockey on a frozen pond near our home. One of the guys hit the can towards the shadowed bank and I went for it at a high rate of speed. It happened so quick for as I neared the can I heard a loud crack and plunged under the ice. I guess I went in at an angle because the hole that I must of fell through was not there when I went to pop up. I was in a mad panic. The underneath of the ice was not smooth but sharp like a jagged bent knife running this way and that. Fear and an extreme cold held me for a moment. I could hear thumping through the ice and tried to reach the sound. By this point my chest felt like it was going to explode from holding my breathe for so long (seemed like hours). I found a clear spot in the ice and could see my friend pointing telling me to go in that direction. I pushed and swam with all the strength I had left. Finally I could not hold my breath any longer and it all came rushing out. The feeling was the worst thing I have ever experienced. Like having your body literally crushed.

Then everything went slowly to a deep blackness. I was aware in this place, but there was nothing except a profound feeling of peace, calmness, serenity. Like finding your favorite hidey hole in the dark. this went on for what seemed an eternity, just the pleasant darkness. At some point I started hearing crying and frantic voices calling me and swearing at me! Then as quick as anything I found my self awake, coughing out water from my mouth and nose. An act almost like vomiting in convulsions from my body. My friends were all around gawking at me, save for one of my best friends who had evidently been performing CPR on me. Seeing as I was breathing and everyone was scared with our parents at their jobs. We all had been told to stay off the pond. We all vowed never to tell our parents so no one would get in trouble.

Looking back, this is the reason I believe I cannot commit to religion. As with all the Bible study and stories of near death experiences I had heard about. I felt robbed there were no angels, no loved ones, no light, no tunnels, just a peaceful void. I still think about it and hate to think that there is nothing after life. Shoot, I sometimes think even a glimpse into the proverbial hell would have been better so as to give me hope of some afterlife. I have talked to a few people through the years following that have stated that they themselves have had near death experiences and have never told my story ‘ill the completion of their tale. I continue to disbelieve or feel robbed due to their wondrous tales. I have run across one individual whom recited very much the same experience as mine and we both shared our views that we hope there is more to it then we received . I however hold no fear of dying due to my experience. I just wish to know how many others have had the same experience I had.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:56 am:

I was sleeping, I think, I went into a very deep trance-like state, loud humming sounds inside my head, I was going though a tunnel. It was like spiraling, spinning around, shaped like a funnel. I was being sucked through this. Then there was a very very bright light. At first it was really small, like a dot. Very quickly it got a lot larger. The closer I got to this the more relaxed I was and the light grew bigger and bigger. All of the sudden it seemed like I felt like something really different was going to happen. I was scared, it was a good feeling, but I started to think about my two small children. All of the sudden it was like I heard a voice from somewhere telling me to go back; I wasn't ready. The next thing I remember was waking up. Since then I have no fear at all of death.

I did have one other experience, that I can remember around the same time. I also, around this same time in my life, had a sexual encounter, which I still am having a hard time understanding. I was sleeping, all of the sudden I felt someone making love to me. My husband, at the time, was sleeping next to me. It was really different, but great, it was like someone or something was actually inside of me. Throughout my whole insides. I woke up thinking my husband was making love to me, but he was across the other side of the bed still sound to sleep. As I moved I could feel something inside me just disappear.

That is all for now, thank you for listening, it felt real good to get that out.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, October 26, 2004 - 10:54 am:

I had an NDE at 20 due to an overdose. It was intentional. The reasons behind my choice were based on the fact that I'd had my first Child at 14 yrs, and my Biological Family had Abused me Sexually, physically, emotionally those 14years. My Baby was with me till I was 17. When I became homeless, he went to live with his father. I realized after I'd lost him that he is and was my first experience with unconditional LOVE. I made the decision to commit Suicide because to me this was hell, Earth was Hell, so if that’s the case I had nothing to lose by giving up and cashing my check.

When the drug hit me it was explosive; I rocketed out of my body, exiting out of the top of my head. I lingered only Moments while everyone around me (below me as I was above the ceiling) Panicked and freaked out. I did not care in the least about that 20 year old woman I was looking down upon (ME). I found my self in a wet Cobblestone Tunnel that veered to the left. I was moving so fast, I had lost my Physical form and became a sphere where I could see all around me at once, it felt like a perfectly natural shape for me.

I could feel a magnetic pull (for loss of a better word). I was being pulled into a white Light. I wanted to get there as Quickly as possible, because all of these wonderful, Ecstatic, feelings emanating from this Light. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, FORGIVENESS, EMPATHY, COMEPLETE ACCEPTANCE OF ME, DEEP UNDERSTANDING. I rushed faster and faster to reach that light. I emerged in a sea of spheres. We were luminous (I had illuminated the tunnel while traveling there). We could pass through each other, and it was overwhelming the feelings and thought forms I experienced. All of us were trying to get as close as we could to the location of where all these wonderful feelings were coming from, A HUGE SPHERE that was just as easy to pass through as we were even though I never made it that close. Next thing I knew I was sent shooting back into my body. The paramedics were there, a young male paramedic was wiping my face with a wet towel and telling me to Breath.

I refused, he insisted, till I knew I was not getting to go back. I then experienced a wide range of emotions, Grief, loss, Abandonment, and horribly angry; I slapped him. The other paramedics were laughing. I heard someone say "that's why we chose you to revive her, this happens all the time when People go and we resuscitate them." The young Paramedic was adamant that even though I no Longer wanted to be here, he was glad I was. He continued to tell me that they had no idea how long I’d been in respiratory arrest and without a heartbeat before they got there. But while they were Working on me it took just seconds under 5 min before they used paddles, twice, to bring me back.

Within 3 months I was drug free; within 5 months I met and married the love of my life (married 18 yrs now). I had 2 more children and became happy and felt Whole for the first time in my ENTIRE life. I have always seen apparitions as a child. I began having Clairsentient experiences, then my intuition grew by leaps and bounds. In 2001 I started to have vivid Dreams of me being in a horrible head-on collision. For 4 months these continued, I could see in the dream my head go through the windshield and back again, tearing my ears and partially my face. The engine in the dream was on my lower legs.

At the time I drove a 89 Toyota Corolla. After 4 months and continually dreaming this, my husband went and bought me a 97 Mazda 626; he wanted me to feel safe. I got in to test drive, and knew in that moment I was making a clear choice, Die in the Corolla or live and not know what would come out of this collision. I chose Life. 16 days after the day of purchase of my car, the head-on collision occurred. A Man on the wrong side of the road accelerated in his panic and hit me so hard the rear end of My car came 6 feet off the ground and over the center medium into oncoming traffic. My Hand had been at 9:00 on the steering wheel so when the airbag deployed my hand Crushed my face. I lost 13 teeth total, four reconstructive surgeries and bone grafting to replace the bones I'd lost.

I walked with a cane for over a year because of multiple bulging disks. I was in Physical therapy for a year and a half. The pain in my face was the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. My jaw was fractured and out of alignment, my nose was broken. I lost my Identity, my Job, Myself. I fell into a dark world of depression and P. S. T. D. I found out through trial and error with doctors for this to only find I was med resistant. Then the visitors started showing up. I had been praying for relief, help. One early morning my Grandmothers showed up. I was questioning my sanity. They said to me, "Did you think that we could not hear your cries for help, that no one would come to your aid ?"

And there is where and when phenomenon began occurring in my life, Magnified increasingly over time. Still to this day it magnifies I don't know why.

Thank-you for allowing me to share,
In Light & Love & peace,

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 1, 2004 - 07:46 pm:

Many people have near-death experiences, and have been ‘sent back’ to this world. But I’ve not yet read an experience where one person follows another, and is sent back. However, that is what happened to me.

On the night Dad died, I had a dream that has stayed with me to this day. I was in a great concrete pipe, and there was a cloudy light at the end, like a strong sun behind a white cloud. I walked up this tunnel toward the light. As I got closer, I ‘heard’ in my mind that my father had died, but that I would see him again in a long time (when I was about 76). I argued with the voice that my father and mother had divorced. I was again told that my father was dead but that I would see him again. Then the dream ended and I couldn’t get back into it.

When my mother came into my room and stood by my bed the next morning, she said: ‘Mary, I have some bad news’ and I said ‘I know’ but she didn’t hear me. And then she told me that Dad had died.

This dream is the reason that I never lost faith in God throughout my childhood or teenage years. I was told that night something I didn’t know, and was also given an anchor of hope – that I would see my father again. If I gave up my faith in God I also gave up my hope of seeing my father, and I wasn’t about to do either thing! Years after the incident I read the book ‘Life after Life’ and recognized the tunnel. This only served to reinforce what had happened to me that night.

To this day when I see those concrete pipes sitting by the road waiting for installation, I think of that dream.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, September 1, 2004 - 07:44 pm:

Here I sit nine months after my experience and I still am just as obsessed and confused. Here is my story:

In the last few years I have been diagnosed with a life threatening connective tisSal disorder (Vascular Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome) and have suffered many complications and surgeries. Last episode in the hospital was for seven weeks where I was flown to Johns Hopkins, back to Buffalo and then taken to Cleveland Clinic. I was in four different hospitals with a total of 8 arterial dissections/aneurysms. My circulatory system and all major organs were gravely affected. I was in liver and kidney failure. Now the liver failure has subsided, but I still have chronic renal failure, 8 aneurysms in my abdomen/legs, significant spine and joint degeneration and pain. I was told many times, at all hospitals, "There is nothing we can do for you.” I cannot understand why I am still here. Everyday I wake up I am amazed.

At the time that all this was happening I was very scared. I full well knew how life threatening my disorder was, but was just not ready for this. Everyday since October I had been praying, "if you’re there God would you please let me know you are there.” I have three children and am 38 yrs old. My husband has not been very supportive with my needs and I often was feeling abandoned and alone. In January, I went to bed just like any other night... scared.

I awoke at 3:20am and my heart was pounding. I thought for sure, this was it, I was dying. I had a dream. In the dream, an old friend of mine was shown everything about me, the hospitals I had been in, my scars, etc. He came to me put his arm around me and said, "You are beautiful just the way you are. Everything will be OK. I will take care of you now.” He was bathed in a warm light... .complete love, peace, warmth, and light was felt. He was very loving... but I could still tell it was him. He still had his attitude.

When I first woke up my first thoughts were, "Is Jack an angel? Is he with God?” I then came to my senses, "Jack and angel?” Oh please Sal, get a grip. Jack is a tough, hard biker. Yes, he could have a heart of gold when he wanted to, but one of his favorite statements is, "I don't believe in God.” So there I sat up all night worrying, obsessing why I had this dream, what did it mean, and upset hoping Jack is all right. Praying about this to God. I finally came to the conclusion I must have had the dream, because I have been feeling like my husband isn't taking care of me, and I tried to settle down to go back to sleep. It was well after five am.

Next morning first thing I said to my husband, "I didn't sleep at all last night. I had a really weird dream.” He didn't comment or ask me anything, so I left it at that. To be truthful, I felt a little guilty that I had dreamed about some other man taking care of me, especially as this is the only other man I have ever loved. I went about my day.

That night, top of the eleven o'clock news, I heard his name and went running to the TV. They had said he was found at 5 am hanging by his neck by a wire after a snowmobile accident. They didn't say whether he lived or died. I literally freaked out, started crying... I was sure he had died after what I had seen. Again I was up all night, praying, as I felt I really knew now there was a higher power. Next morning I called the area trauma center and sure enough, he was there in critical condition. They said only immediate family could visit. I was able to read in the newspaper article that it took the paramedics 45 mins. to resuscitate and stabilize him at the scene. Police estimated the accident occurred a couple of hours before he was found.

Every day for three weeks I called to check on his condition. I even went as far as calling his brother to see if I could come in and see him, but he hung up the phone on me. So, I waited until he was out of ICU. Not knowing how I would find him, imagine my surprise when I came in, sat down and took his hand and his eyes opened and he waved at me. He had sustained a severe head injury, slit throat, four ruptured cervical disks, surgery and he was still on a ventilator with a trach. After they took him off the ventilator, first thing he was trying to tell me about was "dreams.” I have helped him since his accident with Dr. appts., therapy, and cooking meals for him, shopping, things like that.

He insists he was in four different hospitals... he talks about a plane, and ambulance (he was not in an ambulance), and being rolled through the corridor in a basement (tunnels) to get to "tests.” In this trauma center, all X-rays are on 2nd floor. It hit me after a few weeks... he was describing what he was shown in my dream. I was in four different hospitals, not him... He was taken directly to the trauma center in a helicopter... I was rolled through the basement tunnels at Johns Hopkins (which was kind of spooky and eerie) to get to CT scans and MRI/MRAs... I was flown in a small plane to Johns Hopkins from Buffalo. I was taken in an ambulance to Cleveland Clinic from Buffalo.

I've tried to talk a little to him about this, but it is hard... First of all he had a severe head injury with short term memory problems, he was in a lot of pain, sick... I couldn't talk to him about all of this. Couldn't let him know how really sick I was or he wouldn't let me help him. He had a hard time just letting me help him a little, he is very independent and his favorite statement is, "I don't need nobody.” He sometimes has asked me a few questions about it, but definitely doesn't get how bad it is. Although sometimes, it is as if he "knows.” Although I have suffered many complications, I look completely normal outside of a limp at times when my legs/hips hurt. I know he loved/loves me too... I just don't know what to do. I would never obligate someone to "take care" of me. I feel like it is not right, it is not right for him to love me when I am going to die. But I love him so much. My husband and I separated shortly after this dream... I finally realized I couldn't keep living this way... so that is not the isSal... I just don't want Jack to go through this...

So you understand how bad things are... I have lost the right kidney due to arterial dissection to the kidney. Have had multiple dissections of arteries in lower abdomen leading to my legs, and last time it split up and down both arteries and up into the last five centimeters of the abdominal aorta... to the left kidney (my only remaining kidney) causing chronic kidney failure, and on up at every connection into the aorta... the arteries coming from stomach, liver, intestines, etc. I have severe intestinal isSals due to circulatory isSals there. Yet, here I am still... I tossed away my cane the first time I visited Jack in the hospital, so he wouldn't know. I only hid this so he would let me help him with what I could.

I am so confused... I don't know what this is supposed to mean, what I am supposed to do, and why God let me see this, because although my prayer was answered and I finally knew God was there, I have been in turmoil over loving this man, but not wanting to hurt him or obligate him to take care of me, just because he said it in a dream...

Nine months is too long to obsess about this... I need to stop. I need to understand this.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 06:42 pm:

I was about 14 years old at the time. I was in bed as it was bedtime. I couldn't sleep and I was wide awake when I looked in the corner of my room, which was dark, and I saw a pinpoint of light appear. The light expanded until it was the size of a human form in which a female being appeared. I was awed at this magnificent being’s appearance. She was the most glorious creature. Exquisitely beautiful. She had long golden wavy hair that seemed to shimmer... Her form was solid in structure, and as real as you and me, but with a glowing light around her. She wore a white robe that draped in soft folds on her body and she had the sweetest smile. Her face was like delicate china with a soft blush... her lips were the color of a beautiful soft pink rose. As I remember, she stood at the foot of my bed, Glowing and radiating Light and Love. I could do nothing but stare at her in awed wonderment, for never in my life did I ever dream that such a fantastic being existed. I was mute with amazement, staring with my mouth agape as she gently lifted her arms and placed her hands palm to palm in a prayer-like gesture, And bowed her head. If I remember correctly she peeked at me above her hands, as they were folded close to her face. If I remember correctly, she had a twinkle in her eyes when she looked at me. I don't remember if she said anything or not. If she did, it was erased from my conscious mind. Then she dissolved into the light and it returned into a pinpoint again, then disappeared.

I think she came to me when she did to instill within me strength and protection, because my life was extremely difficult and I had many tests that brought much despair and sadness, but there seemed to be a force that I could call on when it was too much for me to bear, and somehow I would be rescued. I remember after the experience that I would get out paper and pencils, and would draw hieroglyphics and describe the meanings of them to my Mother. She was very receptive. I also drew spaceships (today known as UFO's ) At that time, in the fifties, it wasn't as well-known as it is today. I knew how these ships operated, and what made them anti-gravitational... I drew a long tube that went through the center of the ship in which contained mercury, and possibly another ingredient, (can't remember what, if any)... Also vehicles that would be used on roads and would also float and move in water... Later in years… I see that it has happened.

I was a strange child, and kids didn't want to be friends with me. .I guess I was sort of odd... My thinking wasn't like kids thinking, it was introspective, inquisitive... I definitely loved nature and would spend many hours in the woods, for my family had thirty acres of land, Pine groves, brooks and little waterfalls there. It was a magical place for me. I talked to trees and told them I loved them... and nature was beautiful to me, a place of wonder and enchantment. Animals were my friends.

I had another encounter with this wonderful being again later in my life. I was in my forties... and in recovery (alcoholism)... for almost a year at the time, when it happened again, but in a very different way.
There was an Incident that happened prior to the next encounter... Somehow I know that they were entwined in some way. I had a very vivid dream one night, in which I saw three wise men on camels in the desert on my TV screen. My VCR was recording the scene in my dream. I woke up with the sense that something important was going to happen, in which it would come in a message of sorts. The next day, I had a strong urge to get a pad of paper and a pen. I also had a dictionary and a spell checker just in case I needed it. Why, I didn't know, yet. Then I felt a strong, overwhelming NEED to write! I didn't know what I was going to write, but I HAD to write. The words came pouring into my consciousness so fast I could barely keep up with the thoughts that came into my mind, but they flowed easily and with no effort on my part. I was receiving information so fast that I didn't have time to question the sequence of words that came through to me. I wrote about the Universe, Vibrational Frequencies and their importance, the power of words, especially LOVE! Which I was informed was a very, very powerful energy in itself and if the wrong scientists ever discovered the energy in Love it could be very destructive.

I was fed this information in a sort of biblical sense, (thee, thy.. etc. etc. ) I was told that there was more energy forms than hair on my head. That the Universe was filled with life, sounds and that there was energy frequencies that existed which were like (for a better choice of words) roads on which space ships could travel to other planets, and Universes. I was informed that we are made up of tonal frequencies and that we all vibrate to a different sound spectrum. For instance, a person's heart might be vibrating to G#, the Bones to another such as key of B, etc. etc. That sound could heal. Creating a vibrational frequency that the particular diseased organ would respond to and start vibrating to that tonal frequency in which it would regenerate itself. The same with bones, and everything else. I was also informed that one day hospitals would not be the same. Instead the Treatment Centers would be regenerative places where, Color, Sound Frequencies, and Music would bring forth healing. That the Aura, which is the energy field around us would be diagnosed... then harmonically tuned if blotches of negativity is discovered and then worked on to bring all in harmony with the body. Disease is first detected in the aura, before it is reflected in the body. There was much more...

Now to the Being. I had a very close friend who had the same interests as mine, which was metaphysical in nature, we would talk and listen to lovely music. One evening we were talking when suddenly I stopped talking, raised my hand to my friend to indicate that we needed to be quiet. I had this sensation that something momentous was going to happen. Then I felt this energy enter me... I began to feel ecstatic... I felt a strong rush of something soooo powerful I could barely contain myself. I felt such overwhelming love and bliss and joy... that I thought I would burst with the this powerful energy... My friend got dead quiet, I turned to look at him (he was sitting on the edge of the couch, I was in a chair) when suddenly he literally fell back against the back of the couch, his mouth dropped open and he said... my God... you're all blue and full of light... you look different... Your face has changed!! I smiled with such joy and heartfelt love for him and all creation... Slowly, The energy left. I will say this... for about a year I wrote, and wrote and I touched people and they would start crying and laughing ... some heard music, some saw the blue light. I touched as many people as I could... and felt their love flow through me to them... and they felt it too.

Well, there is more, but I am tired now and will finish this. I hope in some way I have helped someone, somewhere. The power is gone now, though I did feel some of it today when I comforted a friend... So maybe, it's dormant... .too much has happened since then. But I will never forget that fantastic year. NEVER!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 24, 2004 - 06:41 pm:

My boyfriend (now husband) and I were driving home from a dinner party on the highway late one Sunday night (August 14, 1988) when I decided I would like to get some shut eye before the early morning. I undid my seat belt to get comfortable and distracted my husband. When he looked up, we were driving off the highway. He panicked and swerved back onto the highway but slammed on the brakes at the same time. The front wheels locked (before the invention of anti-lock brakes) and the car spun around and hit a telephone pole. Prior to impact, I was thrown against the dashboard and during impact I was thrown back through the car and landed in the back seat. I don't recall the actual impact, I only remember seeing the car spinning. I deduced the rest from my post-accident investigations. The next thing I remember was my husband freaking out about the car and he got out and came to my side of the car and attempted to pull me out of the back seat. I looked him in the eye and said "don't touch me!.” At that point, the pain overwhelmed me and I passed out.

I recall hearing someone screaming which I realized at a later date was me. At that point, I saw a number of cars stopping behind us and the people were all getting out and looking at me through the windows, but I was about 25 feet above the cars and could see myself in the back seat. I saw a police car arrive and the officer got out, come to me and shine a flashlight in my face. I saw two ambulances arrive at the scene, facing each other, obviously coming from opposite directions. The people that were surrounding the car 'looking' were wearing turbans and saris. I felt hands under my armpits holding me up but could not see them. The were telepathically telling me that everything was going to be all right.

Then, I was in a dark tunnel that had no light or air, but felt like I was traveling at an incredible speed. Suddenly there was a bright light that appeared and as I entered it, I was in a beautiful pasture on the side of a mountain with flowers, butterflies, birds and soft gentle music. A light appeared in front of me but had no form. I vaguely recall other beings around this entity, almost like little fairy lights and some larger ones, one being my grandmother, but she didn't speak to me, just gently smiled and I felt an overwhelming feeling of peace and calm. The bright light telepathically spoke to me and let me know that I was safe and showed me my life events up to that point. I felt emotions so strongly while viewing this, but it happened so quickly, yet I felt every emotion. 'He' then pointed to the heavens and they turned into a kind of projector screen and he revealed awesome knowledge of the universe and all within it. I was told I would not remember what I was shown but I recall the dumbstruck feelings I felt. 'He' told me things would be revealed to me when the 'time' was 'right'. (Since this happened, I've had amazing de javue's pertaining to this experience). I was told that I must return, at which point I was looking at the lights in the ceiling of the ambulance.

At one point, a few weeks after the accident, I was being transferred to a hospital for a nuclear scan, the ambulance attendants came to take me. One of them quipped "Wow, you're so light, what happened to you?" ( I lost a considerable amount of weight due to my extensive injuries). I described the accident scene to him and he remarked "Hey, I was there. I was one of the ambulance attendants from the other ambulance, the one that didn't take you. You really described the scene in detail.” I mentioned that I saw the whole accident scene in detail. He then said "That's impossible, you were unconscious.”

That was the first external indication that my experience was real and not a drug induced dream. At that point, I had not received drugs, they were not administered until many hours later in the intensive care ward. Since my accident, I not only relearned to walk (my spine was crushed) but have no aftereffects what so ever. I suffered a crushed heart, lung, all my ribs were broken and crushed two vertebrae. My back teeth were crushed and I suffered trauma to my neck that wasn't observed until days after my accident.

I have since become quite sensitive to light, sound and energy. I often see energy 'waves' and sometimes light coming off of people, especially from the tops of their heads. It almost looks like fire but in colours. I have vivid dreams and have dreamed events that took place at a later date. These events are usually quite personal, happening to family members. I have re-evaluated my religious beliefs and no longer attend church, feeling that it is dogmatic and misinterpreted (corrupted) to others' desires. I believe that energy is the basis of all and this is the true answer to all questions. I have recently given up my business and returned to school to become a medical practitioner. I feel the greatest value to my fellow man is to heal and help any way possible.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:26 pm:

Because I had a long history of Crohns Disease (an inflammatory bowel disease) along with the earliest stage of bowel cancer, I was in the hospital having a total colectomy (total removal of the colon). The radical surgery was performed due to my own history of Crohns, along with my family's extensive history of colon cancer. About two days after the surgery, I developed a bowel abscess which developed promptly into sepsis. (Interestingly enough, about nine months prior to this surgery, I had had a foretelling dream that I was dying of colon cancer due to doctor error. I took it as a warning; and when the situation came up, I was able to assert my rights as a patient. I believe this dream did indeed save my life... but this is another story to be told another time.)

Subsequently, I was moved to Intensive Care (ICU) where they kept a close vigil over me. I was too ill to speak or interact with anyone. My skin was a funny mixture of gray and yellow. My family was told to prepare for my death, that I could pass away at any time. There were tubes and lines coming in and going out of me everywhere, and chemotherapeutic antibiotics and anti-fungals dripped continuously into my veins. It did not look good for me.

One morning not long after my move to ICU, I "woke up" extremely thirsty. I wanted iced tea with a vengeance! It was all I could think about. I decided right then and there that I was going to get well, go home and sit on the patio in the sun and drink iced tea. The only thing I can say about this experience (this is not the NDE I was still to experience), is that it was as if the fist of God were coming through me, this decision to get well! It was a supernatural power not of my own, so fierce was my desire and determination! When the doctors came into my room that morning, I told them I was feeling better and demanded to go home. Of course, they laughed. I was still very ill even though I had turned a corner.

A couple of days later, while I was laying in my bed in my darkened room, I began to notice clouds of light spreading themselves across the room. Now there was no natural light coming into the room, so this seemed odd to me. I would slap myself on the face trying to see my way out of the light filled fog. I noticed the clock, it was 1:00. Then I slipped out of my body. I floated through walls into some of the other patient rooms while out of my body to check on one particular patient where I realized he would be ok. Then I found myself elevated into brilliant light, blue sky and light-filled clouds. Someone or something was holding me to their chest like a baby. Even though I could not make out faces or forms, I just knew I loved, loved, loved. There are no words for the feelings of love I received and felt. This was no earthly experience, that is for sure! There were also light beings or angels that surrounded me, and they were singing and reciting the most beautiful poetry. As a poet, I only wish I had a tape recorder. I found myself in a beautiful green and flowering meadow at one point where there were people I seemed to know. Ever so often I would slip back into my room, into the light-filled fog, into my body again, and then I would slip back out. In this state, I am aware they told me about my future and my purpose in this life, but in my dense human state, I cannot recall what I was told.

About 6 p. m., I came to myself again, filled with emotion and wonder. The doctor came in to check on me, and I blubbered, "I am so sorry for all the trouble I have caused you and all the other doctors and nurses.” She replied, "On the contrary! You are a survivor. Most people in your condition just roll over and give up, but not you. All the doctors leave your room shaking their heads over you. You've been so ill, yet they find you singing in your bed.”

Three weeks and two major surgeries later, I left the hospital 30 lbs. lighter and very weak. Gradually, I began to recuperate at home. I did go out on the patio the first day home with the iced tea, reveling in it. Mission accomplished! As I would go outside and then begin to get around town and over the next six months, I would often look up into the cloud filled sky. It was if the clouds lowered themselves to me and I could reach up into them. I would become one with the clouds. I knew what it felt like to be a cloud! The clouds would metamorphose on me into ribbons of brilliant color rippling across the sky in shades of first fushia, then gold, green, and blue. It was the most intense and ecstatic experience! Or I would look at a rose and suddenly become the rose, be one with it, fill it enter my soul.

Since then, my life has changed in some dramatic ways. I am still ill with Crohns, and with many other complications that have come along with Crohns Disease. I do not know why, except that it has given me insights and wisdom I would not have if not for the NDE and the illness. I have foretelling dreams, and wise beings visit me in my sleep. I often leave my body and visit other realms in my sleep. (I even went to see my dearest friend on the Other Side right after she passed away from Crohns Disease.) I see things, am aware. I cannot bear to even kill a spider or destroy its web. Life is so much more precious to me. I believe that everything has spirit--consciousness, if you will. All life, both seen and unseen, is energy. Energy is life--it all comes from the same Source. We are all One, everything is One, past, present and future. Time is only an illusion, made up to suit our earthly experience. I have dropped all forms of organized religion and find myself open to much more universal truths. I am content to live with the mystery now. I live with the bigger picture, meditate, read, study, write, pray. I try to live with as much joy in my life as possible, in spite of being ill. I am much happier. I do not fear death at all. In fact, I believe I won't live to see a ripe old age; still, that is okay with me. I can work from either side of the veil.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:25 pm:

I awoke this morning with a tingling skin crawling headache and a feeling something is about to happen. I called my husband and told him to pick up my daughter and that I thought I was getting a migraine headache. Then I realized what day it was, August 10th! It has been 20 years today that I had had my out of body/NDE experience. Then I felt a sense of urgency to call my brother to see if he is okay.

My experience and journey has left me feeling I have not done enough with my life but at the same time to go inward and keep my family close. But yet news events play such a huge role in my life. It is a nagging and something is coming feeling.

I am going to relive that day 20 years ago. It was a beautiful day except the sun was extra bright. I was playing with my son, Jimmy, who was only four years old. His hair was gold and it almost hurt your eyes when the sun was just right on his hair. He took my hand and wanted me to walk down the hill towards the creek next to our house. I had a sleepy feeling and it was very surreal. It was a butterfly on a stick; he was amazed. I still had his hand and I turned to go back up the hill when it felt like I had been shot in the stomach.

I do not remember how I got back to the house but I was crawling on the floor. I had been spotting and had been having occasional chest pains with my pregnancy. They told me I needed bed rest to keep the pregnancy. The bleeding had stopped, however, and they finally found the pregnancy in my uterus. They even thought they saw a heart beat. I had just been to the hospital the day before and had an ultra sound which finally showed the pregnancy. Everything was perfect. Just the day before, ultrasound was not showing the pregnancy.

It was like an ocean wave crashing, everything was perfect with life, you could live forever, then crashingly I was faced with the struggle of my life. And it was so unfair to Jimmy. All I was doing was trying to have a brother or sister for my child. How could I be struggling for my life now. I had a woman that was hired to help me with housework and with Jimmy, just for the early part of pregnancy. She called my neighbor, Rose, who was a teacher and had been a nurse before. She always knew who to call and what to do. I got in bed and was freezing and shaking and the pain was constant and intense. I do not know who called, but I remember talking to the nurse at my GYN's office and she told me it was indigestion and to go sit on the toilet. I crawled to the bathroom and sat on the commode, but felt like I could not hold my head up or lift my arms, then I could not move my legs. Suddenly I was aware I was back in bed and Rose was standing over me, bothering me to wake up. I could hear her talking to the nurse. She was telling them that I was in shock and something was very wrong. I heard Rose ask me about a robe because I was almost naked; I had taken everything off because of the pain. But I didn't know what a robe was. Then I heard her ordering an ambulance to come as quick as possible to take me to the hospital. Then I remember my husband standing near me and I was on the stretcher being put in the ambulance. I asked about Jimmy and he said Rose had him. I felt relief.

On my ambulance ride, I kept feeling that I was riding on top of the ambulance. Then I would suddenly be back on the stretcher in pain. They were very nice but did not seem to be able to help me. As we drove down Peachtree Dunwoody Rd. I could see every leaf on the trees that hovered over the ambulance I was riding on top of the ambulance, again. Then I was suddenly hearing my doctor’s voice and she told me to hold on that I was not going to die. She said she was sorry I was in so much pain but had not seen an ectopic pregnancy before, but gets her patients usually after they have an ectopic.

I remember the stretcher hitting the metal doors and people running with me. And then they said I have to look into your uterus. I am sorry this is going to be painful because you are too weak to give you anything. There was pain, excruciating. Then I was in a different room but I was awake and they were cutting me open. The doctor told me they could not give me anesthesia, but they gave me something that would put me on a different plain. I felt and saw them stretching me open but I couldn't move or make a sound. I was screaming internally. I heard them say do you see it? No I can't but there is a lot of blood, there's another bleeder. There's blood all thru her lungs and diaphragm we have to find it and then...

I was above the operating table as if to help them. Then I realized I was at the ceiling. Then it felt like I was being lead by a magnet, and I went right thru the wall and down the corridor going right out the front doors of the hospital. How could this be happening? Then I realized I recognized where I was and took the road all the way home. I saw Jimmy with his friend EA and I went in circles around him and could breathe him in. Suddenly I was sucked into a tunnel or maybe the sun was evaporating me, but I lost all control and was going backwards thru a tunnel. I could see light in different colors in my peripheral vision. I can not describe the sound. I thought it would never end until it did. I was in space, darkness and I became aware I had no body but was floating and yet I could still feel the pain. How could this be? I heard two voices and tried to turn to look at them when I realized they were in a form of glowing lights, very small. They were everywhere around me but still they were only two beings. I felt their warmth and compassion for me. They were talking and I was hearing without seeing their faces. They were asking each other if she new. New what? I was a little unsettled then, what was I suppose to know? Where was I? Then suddenly they said to stay there, do not move and they will be right back. I saw them fly up to an enormous building or object/satellite and go into what looked like a glass window and then quickly emerge and head right back to me. They said it was not my time and to stay with the pain and it was a mistake. Again they asked each other if I knew the answer. They were very busy trying to find an answer maybe a formula, it was mathematical. They were looking inside of where I store my knowledge. I did not know it. A moment of feeling I needed to learn, and then a flood of information that I do not remember.

They cautioned me again not to move. How could I move, I do not have a body? Then I became aware that I was in a primal position like a baby in a womb and my mouth was open in a scream but no sound was coming out. I felt connected to earth with cord ,and I could see land formations and water and clouds it was all in black and white with a touch of blue color or gray. I tried to stay with the pain and not to move but then, just like when I went into the tunnel, I began moving, slow at first then faster, and I was drawn into an area that I could see others. I saw children starving and images of people after war or extreme anguish. It is all so unfair and cruel. I just wanted to melt or forget who I was. I remember realizing I was just told that it wasn't my time. Yet what was happening to me felt like my life was being sucked out of me and I was holding on for dear life. I could see Jimmy's face and his golden hair and we were running thru a golden field of wheat. I was faster and he was trying to catch me. Then little by little, he was the only thing I could see, just a circle with his face in it. I was back suddenly into the place where all the unfairness was and starving people and children and being pulled through it and I forgot myself, I became whatever it was.

Then I was in total darkness with gray mist around me, floating. Who was I? Where was I? Then, floating in a white robe shimmering in gold was my Mom. She pasted away just six months before. There she was and I did not even believe this could happen. I guess there is a god then if she is with me. She asked me to stay with her in that clingy kind of way. I told her I had to go back to Joe, and she told me I would have a lot of pain. I do not know if she meant in my future or just going back to my body and fighting for my life. She told me to stay and there would be no more pain. I insisted I had to go. She showed me a toddler, a little girl, and said she would be with me in five years. I did not know if she meant "she" meaning my mom or my child to be. The toddler was standing reaching into a drawer in a large bedroom. Then I heard myself tell her, sorry Mom I have got to run...

Then suddenly I was back in a tunnel with such force. It is undesirable, and crash a cold hard metal table ... pain... what was in my mouth? ... it... I can't breath... tears were warm, running from my eyes... I can't breath... voices telling me to breath... I can't. I am trying... I was naked again... and there were lights I was in an incubator like a newborn baby in my birthday suit, and I was on a breathing machine and then a breathing pump. Finally I quit fighting the man-made breathing and became aware they were breathing for me... Then I felt a warm hand run across my face and run fingers thru my hair. .I looked around for the nurse; no one was there... IT WAS MY MOM... Then sleep. I awoke late that night in a hospital room, hooked up to many machines. I saw bags of blood hanging around me. Needles going into my arms and legs giving me blood.

The next day my doctor came to see me and said I will be weak for a quite awhile, I lost a lot of blood, but was never that close to dying. Yeah?... Right. I could not speak of what had happened to me. Couple of hours went by, when in walked some doctors training some students. They asked me what do you remember? ... You had a journey. I do not remember what I told them, but I was afraid to sleep. Like I would go back and leave this world for good. So I just stayed awake. The nurse asked me if I had a family councilor or minister, they could call for me. So I told them to call Henry, family counselor and psychologist. He came that night and let me tell him about my experience. I drew him a picture of what I saw when I saw the two guides/lights/angels and the picture of the building or place that was too big to see the beginning or the ending of. I could sleep for awhile, but everything seemed to change it is so important to me but nobody else seem to how important it was... life... grass under your feet, the sense of touching and smelling life... kindness and to never take for granted, anything, especially my child. I was back with Jimmy and nothing was better than that. Within the year when Jimmy started school, I went back to school, too. I should just be smarter. I need to learn as much as I can. Five years later I had my beautiful little girl, Melanie, just as my Mom told me. I have never wanted to be away from my children’s sides but our finances did require me to work. I was miserable, and then my husband and I had a crisis. Then after many years, he became to understand me a little. I am going to do what I want to do. Let me be with my children. Jim is married and Melanie is in high school, both pulling away but not. I still feel them right there and all their magic, and mine, too.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:23 pm:

I attempted suicide when I was in my early 20's feeling hopeless because I was being blackmailed, and feeling there was no way out of a bad situation. I was told by my mother I was given last rites by a priest because the doctor felt there wasn’t much time left. I was baptized Catholic but raised in the Protestant faith. I found myself outside my body as a transparent and weightless me floating above my earthly body looking down upon it in a hospital room. While in the beautiful weightless body I looked down beside my body, and saw many relatives and my mother in the CCU. Two of my mother's sisters were arguing over who should comb my hair. My mother sat on a chair looking so sad.

Then I saw above me, my grandfather who had died when I was probably in my teens. He had a boxer dog on a leash with him which somehow I knew was part of my grandfather's family. He was pleading on my behalf to someone who I could not see as he was hidden, but I knew was God. With Him was a man with a beard, could have been Moses or one of the prophets. My grandfather was looking up to Him and saying, Please... let her at least stay here with me. He kept pleading. Than I saw a review of my life go so fast I couldn’t recollect what I reviewed. I was frightened of my faults, sins and weaknesses but God comforted me and told me I did a kind deed for a little boy once and because of it the boy's life had been positive. He said even to this day the little boy remembers you. (I did not recall this deed in real life.)

Then God asked me if I wanted to go with him. I did not have time to think as at that moment He showed me my mother and her future whereas she would have cancer. I felt emotional pain in my heart knowing she would suffer, so I said no, I want to be with my mother because she will need me. At that moment I woke up from the coma and there were all the relatives I had seen when out of my body. I was so happy and at peace when I awakened.

My mother got cancer of the breast and entromedian cancer at the same time several years later. I remember sitting alone with her on the porch, trying to be of comfort to her. She is healed and it’s been over 15 years since her cancer. I knew it was God's plan to heal her as a gift to both of us and did not fear her dying.

I also knew from the NDE that there truly is a place between heaven and hell, and that place or state of being is neither heaven nor hell but an in between without pain, but yet not with God which is true "heaven.” I eventually became active in the Protestant church again years later, sometime in my 30's when my great-grandmother died, and as she lie in the coffin at the Funeral Home, I felt she was hovering over her body like I was, so I told her I would live her life for her because I knew she loved God and was very active in the church and through me she could live again. Even though I returned to church, I had a emptiness in my heart as I grew spiritually. I filled that void when I went into full communion with the Catholic Church. I began to believe only recently that the reason my heart was empty was I needed to have masses said and pray for my grandfather and other relatives. My soul was crying out for me to help them because now is the time of grace while we are alive to help not only the living, but also the people who left their earthly bodies to enter the next stage of their eternal life.

I didn’t believe in purgatory before this experience. I believe through masses and prayers God will draw them in union with Him for eternity so they can live in the bliss of God's love and presence.

We were not close as a family, yet my grandfather loved me enough to plead on my behalf believing I may be in danger. God rewarded my grandfather for his pleas by giving me time to seek the joy of life He had to offer me, give me more time to change my ways so I too, would pray for my grandfather thereby freeing him from Purgatory, and sharing the power of God's love. Then, as he stands in heaven, he too, can pray for me and our family. The cycle of love is awesome.

Each day, whether experiencing cancer which I had twice, pain, or joy, I see God's blessing. Even life's sufferings can be joyful knowing God is with you each and every moment. I know God uses sickness to allow me to witness to His almighty healing power. I've been free of ovarian cancer which spread to my stomach for about five years now. I am also free of the breast cancer which was caught early. I truly believe God's hand was there blessing me again and again. Each day I look at nature I see God's almighty hand in the beauty of his creation. Each day God rests on my heart, the true joy of life is knowing His tremendous unconditional love for us.

Unworthy as I am, a sinner, God continues to enfold me in His Mantle of Awesome Love. I live my life trying my best to live a life worthy of the gift God gave me and never forget that that kind deed or act of love can truly make a difference in the path of someone's life. That kind deed might also be the weight that tips the scale that brings you to God's mercy where you will spend eternity in the beauty of God's presence.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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