NDE Accounts

Archive through August 20, 2004


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:22 pm:

I'm not sure if you can even call this a NDE. My mother passed away at her home early in the morning on December 31. There was a snow storm during the night so they didn't pick up her body until after noon. During the morning I sat with her body and told her how happy I was for her that she no longer was in pain, she died of cancer. She believed very strongly in God and a life after, I on the other hand some how knew her passing wasn't just the end, that's why I kept talking to her.

I traveled a long way to be with her two days before she passed and didn't get to sleep for over 40 hours, so when I went to sleep that night she died, sleep came very easy. I wasn't asleep long before I had a very vivid dream. In the dream I was standing in a dim light, I felt I was boxed in. In front of me was a short fence, hardly one foot high, I could have easily stepped over it, but I was held back as if my feet were rooted to the spot. On the other side of the fence I could see a small clearing with a field of flowers in such wonderful colors, they looked as if they glowed of their own light. To the left was a lake or some other large body of water, that too glowed of its own light as if the sun was shinning on it from on top and from under the water, to the right was a forest of trees also glowing with their own light as if it was coming from both an outside source and within. Then suddenly I saw a young woman in the field of flowers, she looked to be in her early 20's and she was wearing a brightly colored dress. She was skipping away from me, but then she stopped and turned towards me and asked, however, I never actually heard her voice, it seemed to just pop into my head. But she asked in German if I knew who she was. It took me a moment to figure out what she was asking, but then I knew that it was my mother and probably how she looked when she was in her 20's. As soon as I knew it was my mother, she blew me a kiss turned and skipped away. Suddenly I was looking down at myself in the bed where I was sleeping, I heard crackling or a hiss as if a radio dial was tuned between two stations and saw that my younger sister was standing next to the bed I was in shaking me trying to wake me up. The next thing I knew I was back in my body. When I came fully awake I realized I was grabbing her night gown tightly around her neck, and I remember being very upset that she woke me up.

Since that dream, I somehow knew I managed to go with my mother to where she was if only for a moment. I've been very healthy since then and if cut I heal very fast, much faster then I ever did before. I have felt and heard others around me that have passed, some I know and some I've never met in this life time. Some can communicate with me, but only by thought, I don't actually hear their voices. I'm much more relaxed, laid back. I've just started to feel more relaxed within the past year or so.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:21 pm:

My experience occurred about a month after a very close sister in-law died of lung cancer, after being ill for barely five months. She left behind two small daughters, and a husband. I had known her since 1978, and she was like a sister. We are about the same age, and it was a great shock to learn how ill she was, especially when she had appeared quite healthy.

I spent a lot of time with her in the last week before she died, and I remember wondering how difficult and wrenching it must have been for her to say goodbye to her young daughters. I had three young children, and I couldn't begin to fathom the idea of having to leave them. At the same time, I wanted to believe that God would not allow such anguish to be experienced by a young mother about to die.

I received my answer about a month after her death.

I remember laying in bed at night, still consumed by grief. I looked at the time, the clock read about 2:30 am. At that point I found myself moving straight up (as if floating), looking at myself, next to my sleeping husband. I felt no pain, and wondered whether or not I was still alive. I continued to move towards an extremely ethereal bright white light that was at least 1000 times brighter than the brightest sparklers I had ever seen. I remember thinking that if I was dead, that was okay, because I knew that my family would be taken care of. Besides, I was becoming part of this incredible brightness that appeared to have no beginning and no end. I also remember an incredible rushing sound, not unpleasant, as loud as it was. I did not see anyone specific in the light, but I remember the incredible peace that I felt. After awhile, I felt myself moving away, until I envisioned myself on the bed. I am convinced that I glimpsed a part of heaven, and that my dear sister in-law was in a peaceful state when she said goodbye to her daughters. In my heart I know that she didn't experience any emotional pain of separation.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:20 pm:

Ever since I was a small child I have had severe atypical asthma, very hard to control and very easy to lose control of. I had been very ill but my whole family as well as myself were pretty used to it so I was going to school with my little sister like I did most mornings. As we were riding the bus to school I was struggling to breath and I ended up throwing up on my sister. At this point things get pretty hazy for me.

I understand, that mom picked me up at school as soon as she could arrange to get there and I was taken to a doctor's office. The doctor tried to stabilize my breathing and couldn't and the doctor's office ended up calling an ambulance to take me to Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh. By the time the ambulance arrived it was late afternoon so there had been quite an amount of time pass since my attempt to get to school. I remember sort of waking up when the alarm on the ambulance went off but only one time. We lived in a suburb so it was about 20 miles to the hospital.

I was taken to a room and there were a lot of doctors in the room with me. There were student doctors too. They were trying all sorts of things to get me to breathe again and nothing was working. What I remember was being bathed in brilliant bright light and I was looking down on myself and all of the doctors and nurses around me. I felt calm and I was just observing and things were getting smaller or maybe less real and I could hear one of the doctors say 'she's gone, completely cyanotic,' or something like that and there was some discussion about that and then one of the doctors went out to talk to my parents.

When I heard the words of the doctor I thought to myself I'm not gone I'm right here and I started panicking sort of and screaming I'm right here! over and over. And then it was sort of as if I was slammed back into my body and I woke up a week later in an oxygen tent... My life since has been odd in many ways but it has taken me three decades to really begin understand it or perhaps to process it.

I have never been able to wear watches by the way. I have a whole collection of 'broken' watches! That is what brought me to this site tonight, the article about people not being able to wear watches. If I have to wear a watch I wear it only for the time I need it and take it off right after. I also seem to sort of 'short' out electronic things. My boyfriend won't let me touch his computer. It's sort of a joke between us but sort of not a joke also. I do the same thing to vehicles. Everyone calls me a jinx.

I do not remember much of my childhood. It's almost as if I lost the first 8 years and the funny thing is that all of my friends are around 8 years younger than me and I look younger than they do! Nobody believes my real age. I had my 2 children at a later age than most people in my family. I had my first son when I was 28. I went through a really tough time as a teen, nothing made sense to me at all. Relationships on most levels have been difficult for me. A lot of people are attracted to me on a sexual level. According to my boyfriend of many years, I have this natural sexiness that seems to exude from me. I have learned to curb some of that out of self-defense, but it took a long time to even understand what IT was. It seems that people misunderstand empathy and joy, a feeling of peace and love as a desire to have sex. I sparkle in the words of another friend and that is a turn on to a lot of people. It took a long time to be able to deal with that. I am still learning about relationships, but I am making progress I think.

Also, I am extremely sensitive to lights and noises. However I love loud rock music :-) I am also very sensitive to chemicals, and drugs do not have the same affect on me as they do on most people. I take child's doses of many and some do the opposite of what they are supposed to and some do nothing at all. I crave sunshine and water. The best I ever feel is when I have been able to be in the sun and either been in, on or next to some water. I am also somewhat of a daredevil. I have toned down my activities since becoming a mother but I have no fear. I have always been a ‘tomboy’ and as active as my asthma will possibly let me be. I push the limits on that a lot. Sometimes people get mad at me for not doing what sick people should do, i.e., sit in bed in rot. But, I have to be moving and doing or at least learning and seeing. Life is too short to not live each moment to its fullest. That is not to say that I rush through life. Sometimes living life to its fullest is just sitting there doing nothing but meditating on the beauty of life, being thankful of being alive.

I have always had a different view of love and life than anyone I have ever met. I don't love like most people. To me it is not so individual specific so much as universal. Most people who wish to be close to me, do not understand it and perceive it as a coldness or worse. If they do understand how I feel and think, they can't believe it really. They say I have mother Theresa or Joan of Arc complex or I'm not real or something along those lines. But, I do not think love is something that can be limited to only one person or just a few. It does not end; it will not go out. The more love you give the more you have to give, the more there is... and to me that is THE truth.

I also do not think like most people. I do not think in a linear way. I arrive at the conclusion first and then find the path to how I got there. I know things without knowing how I know them. I am very good at chaotic thinking and organizing chaos. But, people don't understand it until the very end when it all comes together and then they say wow how did you do that?? And I of course have NO idea... I have been diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and I do take medication for it that helps me think in a clearer way but it does not seem to affect the way I think.

I feel very close to God and see God's light and love connected to and interwoven through all things. I believe in all of my heart and soul that we are all here, on earth for a reason. I am very spiritual but I do not believe there is a right and a wrong way as far as the way an individual decides to worship. If you find the path and you walk the path and along the path you learn about the path and you follow that path to where it leads, that is all that matters. If you read your path signs in Sanskrit, Chinese or upside down standing on your head with your hand stuffed in a peanut butter jar, it does not affect the outcome of your journey.

I also seem to create sort of different perception of time. Time does not seem to follow the same rules for me. So people around me feel like they too get sucked into what they call my time vortex. I do not sleep much. I sleep very little, sometimes I only sleep a few hours a WEEK. My mom says I have never slept well. People come over to visit or watch a movie and pretty soon the sun is coming up the next morning. And we are still discussing the topic of the evening or researching things online or what have you. People that are close to me seem to sleep less and less over time. It seems to rub off on them somehow.

I am just listing a few of the things that have rushed into my mind. There are so many other things that have been brought to my attention that I do or think differently than most people I know. I feel that many of my 'differences' are somehow linked to my NDE or as a child the way I used to think about it was my ability to 'talk to God'. Thank you for letting me share my experiences.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:19 pm:

When I was 6 years old I lived in a small rural town in Arkansas that did not have a hospital and only one doctor. I had a bad case of the German measles and had a tendency to run high fevers when ill. My fever became very high and my mother took my temperature and it showed 106 degrees. She immediately called the one doctor in town and was told by her nurse that he was in a neighboring town but that she would try to reach him (obviously before the cell phone or pager era). My mother told her what my temperature had registered on the thermometer and the nurse said that had to be incorrect and she would be right over. She came over and took my temp again and this time it registered 107 degrees. She finally got the doctor on the phone and he said to immediately get me packed in ice. All of this was told to me by my family, but here is where I had the experience as I do not remember any of this leading up to it.

What I remember is like floating high up over the bed and I could see myself lying in the bed looking very white (I noticed that because I have olive skin and never look pale). I saw the nurse taking my temperature and my mother and father were sitting on the bed with me and my mother was crying, not loudly but very softly. I remember that my sister tried to come in the room, but my grandmother would not let her. Then I saw a man walk in the room with this big brown paper sack full of ice. It was the man who lived next door and he had a truck so he had gone to get the ice from the icehouse downtown. I remember seeing him keep placing more and more ice on my body, but I did not feel any cold or anything. All during this time I just remember the floating sensation. This neighbor was really somewhat of a grouch and I was somewhat of a mischievous 6 year old tomboy so I had done several things that aggravated him from time to time. I remember him saying to my father "Don't you worry Johnny, this one is too mean to die.” I kept floating and then the nurse walked over and put her hand on my forehead and I was like whooshed down back into my body. According to the family I did not regain consciousness for about 12 more hours after the fever finally broke. The doctor finally got there, but they did not take me to the closest hospital because he thought the danger had passed.

I was very weak for a couple of weeks and had a very bad time walking after that. I was a very uncoordinated child after that and also developed a speech impediment. When we moved to a larger city, my parents put me in a speech therapy class and I got over that. What was strange though was that after that I tried to tell everyone in the family about what I had seen and they really did not want to hear it. I told them things that had happened in detail and things that were said and they just looked at me like I was crazy and would say "it's the fever talking", but I knew it happened. It wasn't till about 3 years later that I was talking to my cousin about it and I repeated what the neighbor man had said about me being too mean to die, that my father overheard and it got his attention. He said that he had never told anybody what the neighbor had said because he knew it would make my mother very mad, and he knew that I was not conscious when he said it. Then I told him some other things and I think he believed me then.

For years after the experience until I was about 12 years old, I used to get these feelings that I called "the feeling of being there, but not being there.” The only way to describe it would be that I might be sitting in a room and then all of a sudden it was like I would be pulled back real fast to the back of the room and I could see myself sitting in the chair. I have always wondered about this experience and how it effected the person that I am today.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, August 20, 2004 - 08:17 pm:

It was Halloween night. I was walking down a busy street in Honolulu with a group of people; a fellow Marine was about to be murdered by four Samoan's. I stepped in the middle and tried to stop it. The Marine I was helping left the circle and I was jumped from behind. I fought these four guys in a fight to the death. I was trying to kill them and they were trying to kill me. I remember being exhausted, completely wiped out during this act to survive. I had crushed and caved in one man’s face with my forehead. I was covered in his blood. I knocked out another guy with a kick to his throat and temple. I was thinking, why won't anyone help me, I am so tired. So many people were watching me fight that the traffic had been stopped because of the people flooding from the sidewalk to the street, hundreds of people, no one would help?

Three months before this fight I was overseas and in an operation were I was faced with death and thought I was going to die because I was going to run out of ammunition or get hit in the head with shrapnel. About a week after this I was kidnapped with five other Marines and we were lined up twice to be executed and dry fired on twice. During the fight, kidnapping and operation, I can't ever remember being afraid, real fear. I know I must of had to been afraid but I can't remember it.

I had knocked out two guys and two were left. I went back and forth fighting the two guys and one guy ran off into the crowd, I remember thinking that it was almost over, I just had the one guy left. I was holding him by his hair and hitting him in the face waiting for him to drop, when the guy who left came back through the crowd with a knife. A sailor named Bart who I had never met was in a cab that had been stopped by the crowd and seen the guy with the knife coming at me from behind. Bart was born the same day, same year as me; we were the same age and had never met. Bart fought his way through the crowd to try and stop the guy with the knife but was unable to get to him because of the people blocking his way.

This guy jumped on my back and plunged the knife into my pulmonary artery and lung. When the knife went in, my body flipped completely over and I landed on the guy who stabbed me. The guy I was beating on fell to the ground. I started choking the guy who stabbed me with my forearm, trying to kill him. I had no idea I had been stabbed, I never felt the knife even though it was sticking straight out of my chest now. The guy who fell to the ground was up and on his feet now and kicking me in the head. I boxed in the Marine corps and had never been knocked out, but when this guy was kicking me I thought he was knocking me out. "I was dying from the stab wound.” I remember thinking to myself, "Hey, this is what it feels like to be knocked out.” I moved my head and tucked it behind the guy’s head I was choking to death and started pushing with my head trying to break his neck. The guy started kicking me in the stomach now and that is when Bart got through the crowd and started helping me. He took the guy who was kicking me and hammered him.

The crowd then decided to help and grabbed me and started dragging me off the guy I was killing. These guys were trying to kill me and now I have a knife sticking out of my chest and people are now getting involved, Bart is the only one there who had courage, honor or integrity. They pulled me off this guy while Bart was taking care of the other would be murderer. They held my arms and head back as I struggled to free myself. I seen the knife sticking out of my chest. I yelled at these people who held me defenseless to be killed, “I have been stabbed, LET ME GO, I have been stabbed, let me go.”

They held me and the guy who stabbed me was on his knees and hands foaming from his mouth looking at me. I was unable to move, I could feel the knife inside me now when I tried to move. The guy who stabbed me was looking straight into my eyes as I was staring at him, he had blood red eyes, they were red, he jumped up and grabbed me by my neck, the people still held me for this guy. I thought he was going to bite my throat out because I would have bitten his out. He had me, I couldn't move because I was held by cowards.

I remember having this complete acceptance of death. I relaxed as his hands pulled on my neck but he grabbed the knife out of my chest instead of biting me. The blood shot straight out of my chest and with every heart beat I sprayed blood all over this guy trying to stab me again. The people who were holding me pushed me into this guy with the knife. I don't remember how I got out of the way of the knife. That is a complete blank. After he missed me he came up with the knife and stabbed Bart in the stomach and ran into the crowd. I chased him for four steps and I heard an explosion and felt like I had ran straight into a brick wall. I fell onto my back and unknowing to me I was unable to move a muscle, I was paralyzed with my head turned to the left. I was looking at people looking at me, again no one did a thing, just looked at me like cowards. I remember a man holding this women as she balled. I started yelling to these people that I can't breath but they just stared at me, doing nothing. I did this for a while before I realized they could not hear me because my lips were not moving; I was paralyzed. I started fighting to stay alive, I refused to die. I told myself I was not going to die. I was so tired, I was just wiped out from fighting to breathe. I was suffocating to death, it was horrible, the worst way to die. The background was now black, dark. I seen a face in my face I felt someone grab my neck and lift my head it was Bart. He began CPR and breathed into me. I only felt one breath but it was like I had just taken the biggest most beautiful breath of my life. I remember saying to myself "OK buddy it’s in your hands now." I was just wiped out.

After that breath I went black, everything was dark. I don't know how much time had lapsed when I was out of my body. I didn't feel or remember leaving my body but it was like I was just there, I was standing over my body with my spirit/soul feet and ankles in my dead bodies head, I was looking down at myself but didn't remember being hurt, I had no idea I was dead or injured. I was now a translucent shadow like with hands, feet, a whole body, but it was made of energy, power, and strength. I looked at my right arm and made a fist. I looked at my left arm and made a fist. I felt so strong and powerful I was energy. I looked out at a 45 degree angle and shot off like a rocket into this infinity of darkness I could see into. It was not like being in a dark room or closet, It was a darkness I could see into an infinity. I felt like I was in space. I was looking for something but didn't know what I was looking for. I knew I was looking for something but I had no urgency to find it. I was calm, no pain or worry. I was just looking for something. I was zooming through this darkness like a rocket but I could not feel wind it was motion going forward at a 45 degree angle. I could not hear voices during this motion through space.

All at once I came to an abrupt stop I was in this void with four entities to my left just above me and a voice of a man to my right and above the four entities say "he's not going to make it." At that moment I remember saying to my self, "Hey they are talking about me.” I came back into myself through my eyes. It felt like a cartoon thing as if you pulled a window shade down and let it roll up and spin around and around. That is what it felt like coming back through my eyes. I opened my eyes and my head was turned to the left. I seen Bart sitting on the bench seat of the ambulance looking at me covered in blood. He said nothing just looked at me. He had his hands on his knees just covered in blood. I seen a paramedic holding an IV bottle in the air. He was sitting on my left side at my knees just looking at me saying nothing. I looked at both of them and held both my arms up and flipped them off with both hands and said F--k you I am not going to die. Then it went black.

I can't remember anything until I woke up again. I was being rolled down a long hallway on a gurney, doctors and nurses all around me, I asked the nurse that was at my head if I could cry. She said "sure hunny, you can cry." It went black. I don't remember anything until I woke up again. I was laying on my back and I opened my eyes looking up into the ceiling. It was like the ceiling at my barracks so I thought I was in my room in my bed. Then I heard this breathing machine sound and tried to say what the f--k and started gagging. A nurse put her face in mine and told me I had been injured and I was all right. They pulled the breathing tube out of my throat and I remembered my experience but never said anything. I felt like I had mass knowledge but just could not remember what I had learned. I knew I had to heal myself. I would lay in bed and slow my heart beat so the heart and lung could heal.

I spent five days in the hospital and spoke to Bart on the fifth day. I told him of my experience and when I had seen him sitting there looking at me. Bart told me that that never happened. Bart said that they were working on him and he never sat up and I was taken away, he said "You were gone man," you never flipped anyone off.

I soon felt like I could heal people because I can feel energy coming off people, I feel pain. I never told anyone until 1999 about this. I learned about Reiki so that makes it normal to me. But I have been on a quest searching myself and beliefs about people and the world. I have been changed and feel I have met who I really am. I met my soul/spirit and have many ideas of what we are and that we have existed for all time. I also feel I have ESP and have tried remote viewing. I feel I am just closer to my senses than people who have never got the juice like me or others like me. They have it but just need to tune into it.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 11:59 am:

First, it is difficult to share this in any manner. I have suffered a lot of persecution from people who are completely ignorant on this subject and see it fit to call me "crazy", "deluded", "deceived" and so on. The lack of understanding has caused to withdraw from people who don't understand, who are not "like me.” I even have problems relating to my wife because our views are so radically different on certain subjects.

I am very grateful for my "death" because in it, I have been able to live.

Please bear with me because I will relate to you the whole history that led up to this ultimate, climatic experience that led to yet more experiences.

I remember a brilliant flash of white light. Then I suddenly found myself in a tight space where it was very dark. I remember no particular discomfort, but I do remember feeling very impatient. I was waiting for something, but I did not know what that some thing was. Then I found myself moving toward another light that was steady and not nearly as bright as the flash that brought me to this place.

When I passed into that light, I saw a man. I recognized his green hospital mask and gown as being that of a doctor. The doctor had black, bushy eyebrows and he squinted as he looked at me. I was not afraid, but I had some things I wanted to ask him; for instance where was I exactly and who was he to handle me in such a manner? Before I could speak, the doctor exclaimed "it's a boy!" Well, certainly I am a boy... what did he expect? When I tried to speak to the doctor, I was shocked to hear myself. I did not speak, I cried! I CRIED LIKE A BABY... then I truly became afraid and tried to talk again, but I cried again. Then, in what seemed a matter of minutes, my adult thoughts, in English, diminished into thoughts that were muddled then peaceful.

I remember learning how to talk, how English seemed not like a foreign or unknown language, but a language that I had forgotten. I seemed to go through a time of "remembering" rather than a time of learning.

I remember having sensations in my crib; the vertigo was a reeling, head over heels sensation that was a sickenly fast... dangerously fast spinning motion. It was horrifying. I also remember sensations of my whole body tingling and falling asleep even as I felt a sensation of drifting away from it to places I don't remember. I stopped having the experiences after they frightened me when I was older and my father told me I could stop the out of body sensations by ordering myself to go back.

A few years later, Hell broke loose and the night terrors began. I began to have terrible nightmares involving evil creatures and humanoid-looking evil beings. I was tormented almost nightly by these things forcing me to watch human dismemberments, sickening "religious" rituals while I was held captive. I soon learned to sometimes take power over these evil dreams by the power of God. These dreams tortured me until I was probably in my mid twenties. Sometimes I would win; sometimes the devils would win and they would keep my as their plaything for hours. I once saw a green colored spirit hover over my body while I was out of it.

In the midst of these torments, I wanted to serve a mission for my church. I went to the Missionary Training Center, but they sent me home because of my night torments and nightmares. At times I would wake up in my body, but my body would hover over my bed a good three feet and when I would awaken, I would fall onto the bed with a crash.

I was devastated with the news that the MTC was sending me home because of the emotional stress these terrors caused. They were afraid, after testing me, that I would crack up in the mission field. When I went home, things really got bad. I could hardly eat or get out of bed, my friends were worried that I would never be right again. I could feel something clawing away at my insides... it was awful. And I knew I was going to die. I could not get out of it, as surely as I now live, I knew my body could not hold me much longer. The stresses were too great, the evil was not able to kill me, but it could cause me to become too upset and off-balance to live. The mind is VERY powerful and mine was turned against my body.

Then a man who had been killed in truck crash and returned to life with a special gift for helping people took me out of my friends' house and into his own home in the mountains. He loved me, treated me like a son and taught me about a new type of spirituality. He told me I was different from other people and so I had to live differently. He helped me build my self up and I immediately started to feel more peaceful, more like I could live. But Death had other plans.

One night, in 1986, I was alone in bed. It was around midnight or so. I began thinking of my friends and my life's events and how things would turn around. I began pondering on my own life and a vision of the future opened up, but not just one future, several futures. Every decision I made opened up new possibilities, new possibilities created new futures and other possibilities. The thoughts and pictures came faster and faster. The thoughts came so fast that my physical brain could not keep up anymore.

Suddenly, my body was wracked with a terrible, indescribable pain. I heard with my ears a groan come out of my chest, something left but pulled me along with it. As soon as I left my body, I felt something tearing at me, trying to take me away with it, but there was a barrier or boundary of sorts stopping me from leaving the room. I was out of my body, I knew I was dead... then suddenly, I was torn away from that thing and I was thrust, rather, SLAMMED back into my body. I sat up and was rather excited about the whole thing.

Since then, I have discovered that I can communicate with spirits, angels and ghosts of the deceased. I have even helped some of them find peace and move on. I also have a talent for healing that even surprises me. I can intuitively touch people and help them to heal, I can sometimes diagnose diseases that people have.

Thank you for your time, I hope this is worthy of your study.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By reviewer on Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 11:58 am:

I had dengue hemorragic fever. I was in Cambodia in a local clinic. In my clinic room I had vision of a flaming apsara (female cosmic dancer in Cambodian mythology); I came out of this vision knowing I was going to die if I stayed there. I pulled the IV tube out of me and left the clinic. The distressed nurse called my family who came to look for me, and found me wandering near the clinic in the crowded streets in Phnom Penh at night during the water festival. They called my doctor, a Filipina who arranged for a medivac to Singapore.

I remember little of this or of the medivac.

I woke up in a hospital in Singapore after 4 days of being unconscious, coma, or whatever. I asked the Sigaporean doctor and nurse how close I was to death, they looked at me funny and turned and walked away.

I asked them this because for one thing, I had seen them working on me, they were below me and in their blue green caps.

The other reason is sometime during all this, I found myself in a black void, no sense of anything physical was there. Then a feeling of profound joy developed over me and became stronger and stronger. As this feeling increased, I saw a bright point of light in front of me. It came closer and closer and gradually took up my whole field of view front of me. Then I was just there with it, in it, still feeling the strong joy experienced for the first time this way.

The very day I came out of the experience, back to consciousness, I felt wonderful and full of energy, even though I had lost 30 lbs or so since the beginning of my illness.

I did not talk about this much and tried not to think about it too often. There were immediate changes in my life, though at the time I could not say one way or the other they were related to the experience.

Only this past November 2003, the thought and recall - almost a re-living of the experience - started to consume me, and I now feel compelled to relate everything to it, and analyse the experience to make sense of life and death, religion, myself, human beings, everything. This is still the case.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, July 25, 2004 - 11:57 am:

I went with my parents and aunt and uncle to a outdoor swimming pool (I was 5 years old at that time), I couldn't swim but my parents took me inside the water anyway.
At a certain point, they were so busy talking that they didn't pay attention to me, and that was the time that I fell into the deepest part of the swimming pool. I was at the bottom of the pool.
All of a sudden I knew that I was going to die, and after what seems minutes under the water, I was about to breathe out for the last time.
At that moment I remember thinking, ''Well, this is it, I am going to the other side!!” At that moment, a beautiful feeling came over me, a very joyful, sacred and warm feeling!
I was not scared, I was not in panic, but I was ready to go to the other side, and the incredible feeling of joy and happiness was unearthly!!
At that point, all of a sudden somebody rescued me out of the water.
After the whole experience, I thought, even though I still was a child: If this is what it means to go to Heaven, then that is wonderful!!
I now know that we don't need to be scared to die, because there is a life after this one (in God's spirit world).
I do believe though, that it will depend on how we lived here on earth, if our transition to the other side will be sweet or not!!


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:37 pm:

My first language is Spanish. I will try my best to make my story the most understandable possible.

Almost thirteen years ago, I had I think was a NDE. Happens that I suffer from severe nose congestion and dyspnea. Things that affect my breathing while sleeping. Well I remember in that early morning, I awoke gasping for air but my nose was clogged likewise was my throat. The sensation I felt was like having my trachea locked. No oxygen could get into my lungs. It was horrible; I still was half-asleep and began to extend my arms trough the walls scratching them in an intent of my body trying to find the way to breathe again. It was in vain, after all that struggling to avoid being taken for what I remember was a powerful force I knew it was over. It was like being sucked by something as a huge vacuum that detached my life from my body. The experience is horrible when you are awake and dying by asphyxia you are weak with that desperate feeling that you are losing your physical life. And then the only thing I felt and knew was no matter what I was being taken by this enormous energy at a super velocity that I couldn't avoid, resist; I was gone.

Then you feel going faster inside something that I cannot really explain with the adequate words. It is so fast that I cannot say it was a tunnel, I just can say that you in whatever existence you are transformed; this force takes you which such power that you only feel the sensation that you are going to a force that is claiming you. Yes is like you belong to it. I call it One.

Then I knew that I have left my body because once I was out of it I saw down at my body and could see how my arms were stiff with the last movements I made while gasping for air, struggling at the wall behind my bed. I couldn't understand how I was capable of seeing me and at the same time continue being taken by this force. Then I or whatever it is you when you do not have body but seems to be existing in another plane I was like in other dimension where everything was obscure. Whatever I was I felt fear was so dark. Then I heard a voice that I cannot say if it was a voice from a man or a woman, but was a peaceful one and told me; "do not be afraid.”

At that moment I did not see anything, no one, any light. I suddenly just felt in such a joyful state of peace, no weight, I was transformed from physical body to just sensations; happiness, an enormous feeling of peace and love. Suddenly my sense of me went to other level, this time I saw that big or huge white mass "opaque not bright" and while getting closer to enter into it I began to feel that inexplicable sensation of being bathed in a beautiful warm and lovely light. You are just drawn to that irresistible mass of love. For me it was my contact with that Higher Divinity that I called One. I felt so good, so light, suddenly realized that I was free surrounded by the most beautiful source of love. I couldn't believe if wasn't in physical plane, I was wondering how could I be conscious of what was happening if I am supposed to be dead.

Then as fast as I was getting closer to that white mass, suddenly my living force was sent back to my body. It was a small amount of oxygen getting back inside my body through one of my nostrils that was became slightly open. Then when the life force entered my body, I screamed "Padre", in English "Father.” At that time I started coughing and my body was cold and shaking.

My niece who was in the bathroom when heard me screaming "Padre" so loud and coughing, she went to my room to see what was happening to me. I could hardly speak to her. I continue coughing and crying and trembling.

I told her, "Glenda I think that I died.” She hugged me and look at me in astonishment. I was pale. She gave me some water to clear my throat. When I felt calmer and the temperature of my body become normal; I explained to her still crying what I felt happened to me. She was afraid because in my face was the expression of someone that has gone through an unexplainable experience. She embraced me and cried with me.

Well since then my life changed completely. You are suddenly lit up from inside, and this illumination makes you more aware in how to understand what real love is, how deep we can go in trying to understand what death really means. How we must find out why we were returned to the physical dimension.

Now I do not fear death or the fact that we have to go to other planes of existence. And I agreed with others with similar experience on saying that you live with the sensation that someone is with you in the form of thoughts. I call that presence One. Because from that experience I learned that all humans are One connected to the principal One the "High Divinity or Higher Force.” Sometimes I feel alone because many people say that I am crazy when I tell them my story. Others find it interesting and believe that maybe after all NDE is happening.

My way of thinking is every day evolving from knowledge to wisdom. There is a mind hungry all the time trying to understand things that before I wasn't aware of. I have the feeling that when I returned from that dimension called death something else entered into my body. And this thing guides me and teaches me by challenging my old way of understanding life, explaining me about how we can continue in the learning of what dimension is the real one or how both are complemented. I was always wondering how can a world like this continue existing with all that unfairness, humans divided due to continue stuck in their ancient beliefs. I was always vulnerable to the pain of the world, to its ignorance at all levels. Factors that I consider the culprits among others who continue being an obstacle for Planet Earth to evolve with the guide of One or the Higher Force.

When I see people suffering or that I know that they are sick. I can't control asking "Are you in pain"? Do you feel sick? And there is the desire in me to embrace the person and transmit my love to them. Or I feel if I can just reach some part of their body or something that is close to them I can send positive vibrations of love that will ease their pain, illness or sadness. I can go on and on with the changes I continue seeing in my life. But at some point I feel that I do not belong to this dimension, and feel alone. Right now in treatment for depression but… well that's part of life. But really I think that I am already dead or that I without wanting for it was taken to one of the most debatable mystery of life by entering to the other dimension where we are thoughts and emotions?

I receive so much data from One my companion from the other dimension that I feel like a torrent of energy greater that the capacity of my small body to handle. I sense that the High Force is so close to me that I begin to cry and then my body is drawn to a state of sedation where I just fell asleep. For me being in that state is like feeling taken to places that later I cannot remember very well. Now I am more used to the presence of this Higher Force and I know when ONE sends for me. It requires too much discipline, practice to understand the changes in your life the way you begin to think. I wonder if we are living in an illusion or everything revolves around the mind; and there in the mind is the key to open The Pandora Box and finding the answer for the real truth.

For now I have to go. If you have read so far my story, thanks very much for allowing my soul to speak.

I wish I could contact those other beings who like me are out there watching and bringing our humble light to illuminate those who want to learn that this world evolves and evolves without they having a notion of how One makes the magic.

Please if you are conducting serious studies can you let me know what do you think of my story, please. I know you are a busy persons and I am another one in many other people who are waiting for an answer. But I will wait patiently. I have already told my internist in Cornell Hospital in Manhattan, NY that if in the future they conduct some kind of study related to NDE I will like to participate.

Thanks in advance. Continue giving us light to see where wisdom is hide!


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:35 pm:

I was five months pregnant with my second child and I was home alone with my 1 yr. old daughter asleep in her crib upstairs. My husband was at work and not due to come home for quite some time. I was in my living room vacuuming when I started to feel very fatigued, like the energy was leaking out of my body. (I describe it as like when you unplug a halogen work lamp and the light just fades away instead of just shutting off abruptly.) I felt the need to lay down so I made my way upstairs to my bed. I don't even recall lying on the bed but suddenly I felt my spirit leave my body. I saw a light far away but I was moving towards it very quickly. I felt as though I was traveling through a tunnel and I was surrounded by the most beautiful colors, some of which I hadn't ever seen before. All the while I knew that I was leaving my 1 yr. old in her crib and that she would be alone until my husband got home, but I KNEW that everything would be okay. Through my experience, I was overcome with the feeling of a most beautiful love and acceptance. I didn't want it to go away. Suddenly I was thrust back into my body with such force that when I opened my eyes my body was bouncing on the bed as if I had jumped onto the bed from the ceiling. The feeling of that beautiful love that I had felt in my experience stayed with me throughout the day and I remember wishing that I could capture that feeling and keep it with me always. Since my experience, I have had a couple episodes where I have seen a spirit of someone that had previously died. One time the spirit I saw was sitting in a chair in my children's bedroom and the other time was a spirit watching over my husband as he slept in a chair. I have also heard the voice of my guardian angel speak to me over my shoulder. These experiences are peaceful and I am never afraid.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:34 pm:

The first out-of-body experience that I had was when I was 18 and a man attacked me and violently raped me threatening to strangle me. He had thrown me into the back of his van. I was sure I was going to die. I did not scream or move. I just lay rigid and then I found myself up near the roof of the van looking down on us both. When he stopped, I went back into my body.

Being raped - and not crying out - had a profound effect on me and about a year later I tried to kill myself. I was taken in a coma to hospital and was given a stomach pump etc. Then I was put in a private room in a psychiatric clinic with a nurse on guard. When I came round and opened my eyes and saw her and realized where I was, I left my body for a second time and again hovered above in the corner of the room. There was no strong, 'wonderful' feeling about this, nor any fear of death. I simply felt safe, 'removed', out of reach. They couldn't do anything to me.

I spent the following two years locked up in hospitals against my will. I was given 26 electro-convulsive therapies, 21 continuous days of deep narcosis. I have described in a short story written some years ago, the experience of leaving my body and looking down on myself, in this case after I had attempted to run away and had been recaptured. During those years, I could in fact leave my body at will though I only did so when I felt overwhelmed by what was going on in my life.

During the second year of my incarceration, I spent much of my time mute, rocking myself, lying with my head under a pillow and trying to be 'dead'. And then, one day I heard a voice in my head saying 'What do you think you are doing? Do you imagine God's going to come down and rescue you? If you want to get out of here you've got to do it yourself.' I sat up and there on the ward floor was a discarded newspaper. I hadn't read anything for more than a year and could not concentrate - until I came to a page about a lone sailor doing a circumnavigation. That, I thought, is what I want to do. In the article, the man was asked whether he ever got lonely. He said no, but it would be nice to find someone with a similar interest to come along too.

I wrote and told him that I would love to only he'd have to wait awhile as I was locked up in a lunatic asylum and wouldn't be free for several months. I also mentioned that I couldn't sail or cook but could swim and speak French! Only one person in the world would have answered that letter and I will have been married to him for 36 years soon.

In these out-of-body experiences I did not experience any of the other things noted by NDErs but I have absolutely no fear of death and I have a strong belief which I think may have been heightened by the whole above experience that there is absolutely no point to being alive unless you do something to make the world a better place.

I have had no similar experiences since that time. I am, I think, an exceptionally happy and fulfilled person and a friend recently said I was the sanest person she knows...


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:33 pm:

I was in Seattle, WA, on a business trip, and I awoke early one morning feeing very rested in my hotel bed. As I lay in bed with my eyes shut but thinking about what was to be done that day, I quite abruptly came out of my body and was rushing up through white billowy clouds. I was aware that I was in bed but in the air at the same time. I was both places at the same time. It was almost as if I were on the nose of a rocket and traveling at high velocity up through the clouds. The clouds opened up in a circle above me so that I could see blue sky. As I went farther up, the blue sky became increasing pale and transitioned to white and finally a brilliant white. There I stop going higher and just floated freely. With the brilliant white light came the most incredible love and peacefulness. It was as though every cell of my body was being bathed in love and on a molecular level. This was a love as I have never experienced before. All fear was gone and I completely surrendered to the love. After staying there in the white/love for some time, I remember thinking, "OK, I understand, I can go back now.” And, at that, I was out of the white and awake in bed. I am not sure who I was saying "OK" to or what I meant by "I understand", except that I had the understanding that "love" connects all.

The emotional after affect was great as I was in a state of bliss and of love for all people of any circumstance or state, all animals and plants or in short any thing living. I know now that all living things are connected, have great spirituality where I had none before. I understand that sorrow and love are like day and night. Sorrow is not bad as you must have it to appreciate the beauty of love. In other words, if we didn't have sorrow, love would be meaningless. Before my experience, these thoughts would have never crossed my mind. I am an avid outdoorsman and like hunting but since this experience, I can't take the life of any animal. I just like to watch them in the woods. Also, I have absolutely NO fear of dying. There have been other significant changes in me, too many to write about but simply said, I am a very different person now. My family knows this and so do my close friends. I haven't told many people of this for fear of ridicule. My wife and kids know and that is all. I wish everyone could have a similar experience. PS: I wish you had spell check on this.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:32 pm:

At 7 years of age, my father allowed me to accompany him at his occupation of dredging deep holes at the ends of piers. Having decided to 'road-test' one of my father's efforts, I looked up and saw through the murky depths of his recently-dredged hole in the white sandy floor of the lake, my arms straight out to my side, and felt a rush of water rush into my lungs. (I recall that the concept was quite frightening, but the end result was quite pleasant). An endless 'channel' of light invited me to a place in the clouds where a 'Spirit' in the appearance of a Biblical character, the same color as the clouds, informed me, telepathically, that I should "return and learn about life.” He would not look at me. I was deeply depressed at having to return to my body, but a power stronger than I had directed me to do so. The next thing I remembered was, five hundred feet down on the beach was my father pumping water from my lungs. I watched him do so until I began to cough water through my nose and sinuses, at which time I 'snapped' back into a body I never again wanted to inhabit. I cried as I looked up to see my father's face; not because of having been saved, not because I was afraid, but because I had to return from a place that all of us will eventually experience as the true "Heaven.”

I secretly look forward, with bated breath, my final 'return. '


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:31 pm:

I was a young bride aged 19 yrs married to an American ex-serviceman and living in a tiny flat. My late husband was attending [university] under the G. I. Bill. He was majoring in Business administration and Philosophy was a secondary subject. I was not working so, so in a small flat in a strange country I would devour his books on this subject including Adler, Freud and Plato to keep abreast of my husband on this subject. My brief experience occurred whilst I was reading Plato`s Phaedo where he was dialoging the existence of the soul. After finishing that chapter I was so moved by the beauty of it that I put the book in my lap and said to myself (perhaps out loud, I don’t remember) Oh how lovely, if only I could know it were true. Immediately on uttering this there was a swooshing sound and I ( the thinking ego I) WAS LIFTED UP TO THE CEILING my body remaining in the chair. This lasted just a split second, but needed no longer to convince me for the remainder of my life that we, the ESSENTIAL WE, ARE INDEED SEPARATE FROM OUR BODIES. It was as if someone wished proof for me after my remark.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:30 pm:

I am unsure if you qualify my experiences as "near death" as there was no sickness or injury involved. As far back as I can recall, as a child, I remember being woken in the night and hear voices. Specifically there were 2 male and 1 female debating/arguing amongst themselves. It was very clearly language, the pitch and intensity of these debates would vary but the actually "words" were always muffled together so I could not make out what they were saying - but got the distinct feeling that it was about me. Mostly I would remain in my bed as hot tears would run down my face as these "conversations" terrified me. I would plead in whispers for them to stop. There were several times that I did get courage enough to get up and go to our kitchen (the source of these 'voices") to investigate. As a child, I knew that this could not be - but was. I would only find myself standing alone in the kitchen while the rest of my family was sound asleep. I remember one time going into my parent's room - they were sound asleep, oblivious to the torment I was experiencing. I'd returned to my own bed, and the voices would pick up again. This did not happen every night (or week for that matter), but often enough through my early childhood for it to be considered routine, and seemingly random.

Around the age of 6, a new element is introduced.

I awoke one night to my terror of being pulled from my body and rising upwards to the ceiling of my room. I saw my body curled up under the covers and I tried to grasp at the lamp on my nightstand to hold myself down… but I continued to rise (I was no longer in the physical - how could I hold onto anything?!?) I rose to the ceiling, was held there only a few seconds (heart beating wildly (? again not possible)) before being the presence that was with me allowed me to descend back to my body. I had the awareness that this "presence" was connected to the 3 voices - but superior to them. Although the experience was terrifying to me, there was also a sense of security in this "presence.” I slept through the night, and was fully aware of what had happened when I woke the next morning. Once again, this would happen randomly to me for the next few years - each time it seemed like they would introduce me a bit further into this world. What I mean by this is: I would remain out-of-body for longer periods of time, and eventually "traveled" throughout my house with them. Each time I was still unnerved by all this, but slowly getting somewhat comfortable to the extent that I knew I would be ok. At no time did we leave the house.

My last OBE (which makes me connect this with near-death). . .

Everything I have shared with you up until this point leads to my last out of body experience. This one moment was defining to who I am today, and without it - I most likely would have recalled everything else as an overactive childhood imagination. I "awoke" to find myself already at the ceiling, and unlike all other times - completely comfortable and relaxed in this state (with my ever-present guide at my side).”He" led me through the adjoining wall into my parent's bedroom where they were sleeping peacefully. I vividly recall that the curtains were closed and I wanted to pull them back. A brief moment there, then we proceeded to go to our living room. The curtains were open, and outside it was light. I know it was night but everything was illuminated and my vision was so clear... much sharper. It was late winter/early spring and there was still snow on the ground glistening. For some strange reason I always think that there were 3 or 4 deer just to the side behind our hedge… I don't believe that they were actual deer - but somehow was only acceptable to picture what was there as deer (I know that makes little sense). Nothing to this day has been more beautiful or inviting than what I saw right outside the window that I looked out everyday. Except it was different this time - enhanced. I was overcome with the desire to place my "hands" on the window… and just go through it (like we had passed through the walls within the house) and be a part of that scene. As I willed myself to do just that, I was told it not time yet - and escorted back to my body.

This is my story. I believe I would have been physically dead to this world had I been allowed to pass through the window. I still have very strong presences in my life, they make themselves known in a variety of ways and I still don't always welcome them - however, there are days that I find myself seeking them to no avail.

I don't have any answers - I hope that in sharing this that others may find some answers to whatever questions they are bound in quest of. And I thank you for allowing me an opportunity to validate on some level, that which is a part of me (all of us) that the world tries to deny.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:29 pm:

I was put under anesthetic (ether I think) when I was 18 to surgically reset a broken ankle. Suddenly I was sitting on the fence in the back yard of the house my parents owned at the time. The fence happened to be at the crest of a hill and the land sloped away slightly on both sides. Then there was some kind of a flat surface in the plane of the fence. Then I was in this plane as a 2-deimnsional being, something like the bad guys in the “Superman II” (I think) movie I saw years later. Then I had a premonition I could fall either forwards or backwards, and as it happened, I fell back and into a multi-dimensional place that was full of a golden light and a wonderful feeling of love and unity and total knowledge (which I have not been permitted to keep). I felt I had been here before. Then suddenly I fell into a small black ball that was contracting exponentially ever faster as it was vibrating in exponentially ever faster in oscillations of exponentially ever greater amplitude. I also felt I had been here before too. Then the though hit me that there was no limit to how bad this could get, and I abandoned hope.

Then I woke up in the hospital ward and wept with relief. Then I reached out and took the daily newspaper from the table and read an interview with Aldous Huxley - an early researcher and author on hallucinogenic drugs. He said in the interview "we may be too deeply steeped in the situation into which somehow or other we seem to have stumbled, and out of which the question arises, to ever find an answer to it.” I was impressed he could see reality in that perspective, but I felt his speculation was wrong because I had just transcended that situation in which we are "steeped.”

I was sure I has seen heaven and hell, and the rest of my life would be an epilog. I was an Atheist when before the experience and a Theist after, although with no religious affiliation.

The experience motivated me to go to university and study General relativity, which I felt was full of theological significance. It depicts space-time as a hyper-surface, and particles of matter as creases in the surface, and gravity as curvature of the surface. Which idea I still feel is correct, but I also believe it's purpose is like that of a spider web, but what it catches are lost souls.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:27 pm:

Consumed with an Atheistic belief system and great dislike of life in general, I began experimenting with drugs, particularly LSD, in an attempt to explain this meaningless existence. My friends and I would go out to clubs and use large amounts of drugs while "partying"; but it was never about partying for me, it was about learning. What I was convincing myself was that the theory of evolution which was what was taught to me growing up was in fact true and that God and any Metaphysical plain was non-existent. That all changed one night nearly 10 years ago. We were on the club strip attempting to score some acid. That is when a gentleman I am very grateful to said with an incredible [aura] to him "Hey man, would you like to try some really good acid.” Of course I accepted. I took 10 hits.

I was slowly brought to a state of mind where sight was no longer a factor and my existence seemed to be of about the size of the head of a pin inside my head. Then came blackness. Next thing I knew I was consumed by an amazing light millions of times brighter than the sun. I moved into the light and became one with it; not losing my individuality, but gaining all knowledge of everyone and everything that ever lived. I experienced eternal unconditional love(for lack of a better word). Great knowledge was begun to be explained to me including the answers to all of the questions I had ever had. It was Paradise. I then found myself inside my body and stood up with my arms raised in a V. I was no longer an Atheist.

I began to research all religions. I became prideful and had absolutely no fear of God or death. I then tried to reproduce the experience with the same dosage on another party night. This time was not as wonderful. Close to my peak in the trip (poisoning), I felt a pop in my chest. This is when the room began to fill up with demonic beings (individuals). I was extremely frightened and the beings were laughing at me. This continued for hours, nearly landing me in a Psych ward. The next day I picked up a bible and while reading Matthew I read a passage (do unto others) which coincided with my experiences. I said inside my head "I want to serve Christ (God) and a loud bell (gong) went off. At that moment I converted to Christianity. My life since then has been incredibly beautifully. I now have a beautiful baby girl and Wife. Although I no longer fear death I do fear God. I owe the state of my life today to that experience and I will never forget. The way I got there was very risky and I am very lucky to be able to live a normal life. I would not recommend trying this to anyone.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:26 pm:

I was riding with a classmate going home after dropping his sister off at work on Thanksgiving Evening. we were coming up to an intersection and there was a car that was not moving, even though the traffic light was green. It was sleeting that night and my friend couldn’t slow down and stop the car in time because of the road conditions. We ran into their back end of their car. I was thrown thru the windshield and then I was thrown back inside the car in the front seat where I was sitting. At that moment, I saw a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end of it. And at the end of the tunnel was OUR LORD. He welcomed me with open arms. I was held there in His arms for a few moments. And HE told me that I couldn’t stay, there was something else left for me to do on this earth. And HE also said that Your children won’t see the day they become adults. That’s when I came back thru that tunnel and woke up inside the car. I got up and walked out of the car. I said to my friend and the other people in the car, “Why were they yelling at each other when I was the one that was hurt?”

They immediately came to my side to help me. I had a sustained lacerations to my forehead and nose that were bleeding uncontrollably. There was a couple that stopped to help us. I was told that she was an RN. She stayed with me while her husband called for help. When the EMS personnel arrived, this couple left. I never did get to find out who that couple was. There was no record of them being there on the police report. I’ve been told that those 2 people were angels sent to help me with my injuries.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:25 pm:

I was walking toward a light. It was very bright... and white. At then, at the end of the way, I seemed to step out of a hallway into the purest light that I have no real wards to describe. It was not at all offensive to my eyes. Very wonderful! I took a hand and although I didn't look at the angel, I knew it was an angel. He had a white sleeve, looking like that of a robe, and his hand was like that of a full grown man, except it had absolutely no sign of age. We walked to a pedestal that had a big book. The book had a tapestry front and looked to be ancient somehow, but again not aged. I think it was a needlepoint type of design. The Angel opened the book and turned to a place about 2/3 of the way through it, and I watched him run his finger down a long list of names and stop at my name. I didn't read my name exactly, but I actually did see it. I just knew it was mine. The Angel communicated that to me where we were going. He said no words - I just sort of heard him in my head and I spoke back to him in the same way. I know that sounds weird, but it was something like my mind speaking to his - with perfect understanding and in my head I heard the words.

After he pointed out my name in the book, he took my hand and we walked up to some huge double doors. The were made of wood. They were absolutely huge! The doors opened in on their own and we walked into a big room. It was very light and there was a sence of the most perfect peace. There were lots of other people there, all sitting on the floor all in white robes. I never saw any of their faces, but I knew they were people just like me. We walked through the people and the Angel pointed to a spot and told me (without audible words) that I was to sit there and wait. I sat down and wondered what we were all waiting for, and then I saw a sort of platform with a throne. The throne was empty, but the light seemed to be closer or more bright there, and someone (I think the Angel) told me we were waiting for Him (I assumed Jesus) to come sit on the throne. I noticed one odd thing that has always puzzled me. There were bits of straw on the floor. I don't know what the significance of that was, or why I noticed it. I do know that everything I noticed, I was drawn to notice as if it were dictated that these things I was to take note of and remember.

I wasn't there long. I think the Angel left. But while I was there, I asked some questions that I had needed to know since childhood and the questions were answered. The answers were not the answers I wanted to hear, but the answers were not distressing, because I was told in my mind that “It doesn't matter - nothing that happens down there matters. It is insignificant. Here you will have nothing but the peace you feel right at this moment forever. That's how it is here.” Not exactly in those words, but the answers just came. I heard the words as if they were spoken, but there were no sounds that I heard with my ears. During that short time, I received a tremendous amount of understanding about living, comfort, security and happiness... that I've never forgotten.

Then, as I sat there, suddenly the angel came and put his hand out to me. I took it and he led me back out of the doors, and as we walked past the Pedestal where the book was, I was drawn to look at the pedestal... it was wood and I was told (maybe it was the angel, I'm not sure) that it was made from the cross that Jesus died on. As we passed I think I reached out to touch it and just the tips of my fingers brushed it.

It was like seconds after that, that I was back through the hallway and when I opened my eyes, I saw flowers on a shelf (they were in my hospital room). At first I thought: "oh... I have to have a funeral before I can return.” Then I realized what the flowers were and I was disappointed that I was back and not still going to be there. Not really angry, just disappointed that I had to leave that place and come back.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:23 pm:

My mother sent me to the near by Seven-Eleven for a can of soup she realized she needed for dinner and some soda pop. I was ten years old and this was an errand I did often for my parents and was happy to do it especially on a beautiful sunny April afternoon like this one. I got to the store to find that they didn't have the soup that my mom had requested, so I purchased the soda and went to the pay phone to call her and tell her that they didn't have the soup she needed and see if maybe there was another kind she could use instead. She told me, that it was ok because my Dad had just got home from work and she would send him to the grocery store instead and to just come home. And off I went without a care in the world; I turned up an alley that ran behind our home. We only lived 5 houses up and when I reached the back of the fourth house a woman yelled to me from the street, "Hey! Little Girl!" I stooped to see what she wanted and ironically saw my Dad's truck driving down the street behind her. I said "What?" She said, "Come here.” I then told her "No", thinking I'm only one house from home and don't want to walk back only to return after helping her with whatever it was that she needed. So I waited for her to come to me.

When she was only about 3 feet in front of me I saw in her right hand a knife. Which I immediately assumed had to be a toy knife and she was going to play a practical joke on me or something like that. In an instant she grabbed my right arm with her left hand and began to stab me. The first blow was a tremendous shock and extremely painful. My left arm had a brown paper bag with a 6 pack of soda in it, and this I began to use as a kind of shield. I squirmed and pulled but could not free myself of her grasp. All the time thinking, "What I did to this stranger to deserve this?" She stabbed me three times in the chest with a common kitchen-paring knife, and stopped only because the knife bent in half on my chest bone. She then ran, as did I. I was aware I was dying, and knew I had to tell my mother that I loved her before I did, and began to run towards my house. This was very hard as I was bleeding internally and my legs hurt very badly from lack of circulation. I collapsed to my knees as soon as I entered the yard, and then screamed for my mom. I knew I had to get up and somehow managed to do this. I began to run to the house when my mom came out. I got to her, fell to my knees and said "Why did that lady do that to me? Why did that lady do that to me?" I knew I was dying and my mom asked, "What lady?" I said, "I love you, Mom,” and went unconscious. I was in and out of consciousness. My mother wasn't sure what had happened exactly because the stab wound produced very little blood outside of my body and instead filled my lungs. She was on the telephone with emergency when I became conscious again the first time, I called to her and she came and asked me, "What lady did this?" and I told her, "A Mexican lady,” and went unconscious again. I came barely conscious again in the back yard only to realize how painful my legs where. The next time I came conscious I was in the ambulance and a group of some 5 or 6 men where ripping off my clothes and putting on these strange pants and squeezed my legs, and this scared me. I started fighting them and then went unconscious. I was conscious again in the hospital and saw a lot of people in frenzy and my legs still hurt very badly.

The next time I was conscious, I was floating near the ceiling and saw my self lying on the table with a lot of people trying to safe my life. I knew I was dead because I heard someone say; "We lost her,” and they began to panic. I turned away from my body and immediately found my self floating, as if walking, through a tunnel toward a bright light at very end. The movement through the tunnel was continued in a slow sort of methodical way, never speeding up or slowing down. And as I consistently glided on, images of everyone I knew and love drifted past me on the sides. I saw my Aunt Vicky and her new baby boy. They were happy. I saw my mom cleaning the house. I saw my dad getting in his truck. I believe I saw more images, but can't recall all of them. Them I felt as if some one else was there but did not see them. They said, "It wasn't time for me to go.” And very abruptly it seemed, I was taken or jerked out of the tunnel.

The next thing I knew I was sitting on the roof of the hospital, or above it somehow, waiting. I was watching the cars drive by and it began to snow. Someone approached me on my left, I could hear and feel their presence, but never saw their image. This presence moved from my left behind me and sat on my right and we talked. I know the conversation was light and about not anything too dramatic or demanding. We spoke of easy things, like to people who are just getting to know each other might do, and it also was very comfortable, as if I had known them my entire life. They said that I had another purpose and that I needed to go back. We sat for a time longer and watched it snow together.

The next thing I knew I was waking in the hospital with tubes in every part of my body. I was unable to speak because I had a respirator, and both of my arms where splinted at the elbows. I banged on the bars until someone heard me. Then asked for my mom. I told her again "That I loved her,” as soon as I saw her. I then was given a pen to communicate, and it was only then that anyone knew exactly what had happened. The woman was then caught. I told my Mom, when I was able to speak, about the out of body experience and the light and that I watched it snow. She was astonished by this and told me that she too had watched it begin to snow. We both spoke of the car that was in front of the hospital. I told her it wasn't my time to go. She was glad. I wouldn't change any of my attack because I feel that the gift of life from a new perspective has made me richer of soul and understanding. That life is a gift of time to enjoy everything you can, to love, to laugh, and to cry. To just experience and learn. And when you leave the earth to go wherever you go, you take every feeling and experience with you. I often say that I don't fear death, I fear having to live without those I love on earth more. It's interesting that I was torn about having to return to earth, but believe that I would have lived it up either way.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:22 pm:

I had taken a bottle of adult aspirin for back pain, about 100-160 caplets, a bottle of rum, and a bottle of iodine. I had been on the phone with a friend and told them what I had done. I realized that someone would find me if I stayed at my house. So I hid at the dock about five minutes away. I knew where there was a ditch that no one would find me. It was raining terribly and I hid down the ditch between a piece of wood and a tree. I remember hearing people yell my name and the sounds of people walking around searching but I could not move. My vision was blank. I fell asleep for what turned out to be six hours. I remember looking up from my sanctuary and thinking this feels like a grave. I saw Blackie, a ghost I had been close to since early childhood. I had not seen him in a long time. He was motioning for me to come to him. It was late night/early morning. I began to claw my way up out of the ditch afraid to look behind me and see my dead body. My motions were stilted and my mind muddy. For the whole time I felt dead. No angels, family members, light in a tunnel. Just emptiness. I finally clawed my way to the top. By this time the paramedics and police had given up and told my parents the chances that I was alive were slim.

When I got to the top Blackie had moved. My head was spinning and I could barely walk, but I knew Blackie was leading me and I had to follow. I stumbled after him and he seemed to flit from sight and move to a new location. I followed. It was now around 3 am. After about fifteen minutes of my unsteady steps, I saw him reach the driveway to the docks. And then he smiled and was gone. I walked to the spot he disappeared at and looked up the street. Even at that late hour my parents had not abandoned their search. My father was at home waiting for any phone calls that may lead to finding me. But like a beautiful angel, my mother was walking my dog. I saw her and Barron and for a moment I thought it was just what I wanted to see. And then she called my name. And I ran to her.

The next day a doctor checked me out and amazingly I was fine. But I had myself institutionalized. While I was there I was awoken every night at least twice. It turns out that the doctors were sure my organs were going to fail from what I had done. But after a week of therapy and blood tests, they were all shocked to see that I was perfectly fine. And I knew there had to be some reason I didn't die that night. And I will live to find out what it is.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:20 pm:

[Shortly after the accident]
I was involved in a MVA with a train in. My passenger was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. I remained conscious throughout the entire time of the accident and following it.

My experience was the filling up of the car with white hot light. A lot of heat involved in the light. The passenger was surrounded in it, almost golden. I knew she was dead but felt almost detached like I wasn't involved. My senses seemed so intense and acute I felt pain from them, sight, sound, smell especially. My nose filled with the scent of newborn baby's neck. (I hope this makes sense). It is a very sweet smell that babies only have for a few weeks following their births. I laid my head down for a moment and closed my eyes , felt warmer. But I felt such a PULLING at me ... that I wasn't to just stop.

I could not get out of the car by the door, so I slid out the broken window like a snake and hit the ground. While laying in the ditch, I experienced sights, sounds, smells acutely again. As before, I almost felt I was looking down upon someone else. The only grief I felt was regret at leaving my children behind without warning and sadness at what they would have to endure following my death. I saw my cousin who was brought up with my family as a sister to me. She has been deceased since 1994. After I told the ambulance attendant my children's names and what messages I had for them, I remember a feeling of snapping almost. Like a releasing of all will to live and letting go.

My injuries turned out to be fractures of the C7 vertebrae (neck), back, multiple ribs, pneumothorax(collapsed lung), internal bleeding from a tearing of my liver, head lacerations requiring stitches (50). I was airlifted to nearest trauma centre where I had other strange occurrences, but am now willing to blame the heavy medication I was on following the accident.

[Narrated two years later]

MVA in with a freight train. Passenger in car died on top of me. Felt incredible heat and light ... experienced her death with her ... I think it was at this point I left this world briefly ... came to smelling baby's neck smell ... I was conscious the entire time from moment of impact to transfer in ambulance to hospital. I broke my neck, back, pelvis, ribs, punctured lung. I was able to slide out of the car thru the window. Witnesses state it was hard to understand how I was doing it as my limbs appeared rubbery. Fell down, got back up again ... over and over. Kept trying to walk away. Appeared to witnesses as if someone was "pulling strings" above me. I saw my Dad who has been dead since 1985. Nurses and Doctors have no explanation for why I am alive ... most said it was a "miracle.” It has changed my life ... totally... in good and bad ways.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:17 pm:

It began with no warning, well, no conventional warning.
I heard a voice, in my mind, say "Get ready, something is going to happen. Don't let them interfere..”

I thought it some fancy of my young mind ... however, I took such fancies to heart. Especially since they were not your usual childhood fare.

I told the person that was with me, that something unusual was going to happen and all that I could tell her about it, was that she must not interfere ... no matter what.

I lay back and saw a light form leave my body. As it was leaving, I realized that it was me. I knew that I was dying. I gasped to get air into my starved lungs ... but something went awry. I was yanked out of my body. I had no doubt that I was dead, stone cold dead. I would have panicked, if I had cared much. Death was not too shabby, weird, not at all what I expected, but none to shabby. I was seeing and learning information about the very fabric of things, the nature of the Universe, how micro becomes macro and vice versa.

I followed the proverbial light, through space ... not a tunnel.

I figured out some things that changed me forever. I worked out that the Universe is far from static, and that we affect it every day ... we just don't notice to what extent we are changing that which we observe.
I got to a boundary and knew that to proceed would break the tether to my body, and then getting to either my body or the light would require me to move under my own will. Those who got distracted and wandered were caught in a dream world of sorts, searching for connections that can lead them home ... what/where ever home may be for their soul. It is not a scary place, like the limbo we often think of. It is just a waking dream of the spirit.

Suddenly I was yanked out of my litany of questions that I was systematically throwing at the Universe, with mixed results.

I found myself in my body, sort of. That was the only frightening part of the experience, being half in and half out of my body. It was like having my own feeling body, sewn to a corpse. I could see body parts, like my hand lying limply in my lap, but I felt my hand on my friend's shoulder and I felt horrid and transient, like I could be ripped out again. After a time, it righted itself. A few minutes passed before I was right in the head.

My friend had been furious at me for dying on her. She got no life signs from me for over ten minutes, according to her. I didn't know that was possible, to be dead that long with no brain damage. In emergency medical training we heard of stories where people were brought back in far stranger circumstances ... many of them children. Kids just come back easier ... no one seems sure why, but it is one of the perks to resuscitating tykes, they survive.

My friend was so freaked out that it ended our friendship. It made me who and what I am today. A child no more, I now wonder what happened, however, my belief that what I experienced was real and tangible ... so to speak, is unwavering.

Heady stuff for a child of twelve. Mildly confusing to the woman I would become.

I left home after that, at age twelve. I returned at the age of thirteen, and lived as an adult with my parents after that. Even they knew that something would never be the same again. I left school and attended college at the age of sixteen, and left home for the final time at age seventeen. I was an honour student for the four years, 4. 0 GPA, and as peculiar as they come. I am now an ordained minister, non-denominational, and have several interests that are service oriented. I feel like I can do right by the lifeforce, if I start with those around me.

Thanks for compiling this data. I could have used it growing up, and now others can find it while still in the throws of dealing with this phenomena.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:16 pm:

I was hit while crossing on a green light. Not my fault, but that didn't matter much in the aftermath.
I was conscious through it all, for a time anyway. I had some medical training, which meant that I knew exactly how broken up I was. My gallows sense of humour never left me for a moment. I knew that I was bleeding out. I knew that my lower right leg was near destroyed mid leg.

I would have been far more unnerved, but for the crowd that had gathered at my feet. They were inadvertently blocking traffic, and I could feel a most tangible sense of love and protection. They were so kind and caring and longing to help, though they could do little else but emote. One woman held my head an inch from the cold pavement, and a young man held my hand to console me. I didn't cry, I didn't even mind the pain.

I was suddenly aware that there were far more people that were kind and caring, than I had ever thought possible. The fire department had fire-fighters on scene after what seemed like ages, but was only about five minutes from the time of impact. They were cracking jokes with me. They too are often possessed of a wicked sense of dark humour.

I used the memory of those nice loving people to hold me together through what was to follow. I saw the skull x-ray, my skull x-ray. It was not good. Eight staples later, they stopped the bleeding of my scalp ... no problem. Then I saw my leg, not good. I was conscious, and determined to remain so with the head injury that I had sustained. I did not want to experience a coma ... again. I insisted on having an epidural. I happily bent over, shattered leg and all, and took the needle without a single wince.

Somewhere, something went awry, I dropped out ... and woke up barely stable and just post intubation. Which is not fun, ask anyone who's been there.

I have had more than one run in with death, and I am starting to understand things that are somewhat disturbing in the scope and depth to which they have taken my awareness.

I was physically too fragile to even be moved after the accident, and for a week thereafter. I underwent another two or three operations after that. All were preformed in the trauma unit. In the end, I lived. In theory ...

I spent a year in a wheelchair. I was fueled by the sheer depth of the love I had felt from the bystanders at the accident. I told many people in hospital of my revelation and how it drove me to have a new outlook on the world.

I began go outside when accidents happened in front of my house, as I had once done while training to be an EMT firefighter. I was barely mobile and still had a concussion, but I was driven to help others the way I had been helped. I made a difference too. I was again driven to become medic.

One day my friend, who was at the accident scene, was listening to me tell the story of all the wonderfully kind bystanders that changed my life path. He was giving me an odd look. He told me that there was no one there. He insisted that only two drivers stopped to watch, and that even the fire dept. was not on scene then, there simply were no bystanders, let alone a whole throng of them. I described the woman who held my head and the man who held my hand, and how they had been there while he had been watching. He was positive that no person even touched me before the engine and medics had arrived. None of them fit the descriptions that I gave.

I was heartbroken at first. I wanted them to be corporeal people, then I could view all mankind in a more gentle light. Then it dawned on me, that whatever caused my 'vision' of those loving people, it was acting in my best interest. Whether it was a misfire of a mass of damaged neurons, or an assembly or angels, or just the poor souls of civilians that have met their end in that intersection, it did not matter. At worst, we are highly adapted to stress and can chemically ease our death with nice images and emotions. At best, there is a force out there that has our best interests in mind, and heart.

I am not the same person who was hit; she died, in one way ... if not the other. I never sought confirmation of clinical death at the time. I was a bit busy trying to stop bleeding. That lasted longer than you would think, over the next few months.

I could have lost my leg, which was reattached, and I would not have had trouble accepting that. In fact, I expected to lose it. I could have bled out, a half dozen times, and that was fine by me as well. I fully expected to die in that street, and I was completely at peace with the world. My heart was as light as a feather. I knew true love. I could die quite happy. It was a good day to die, I guess.

So, no matter what we face, it is nice to know that we can never be alone in crisis. Whether an hallucination, or the love of the spirit, or the love of Our Lady, the outcome is the same.

I want to train to become a medic again. I understand a fearlessness and composure that is highly adaptable in such chaos. I can bring this force with me to others and console them, even amidst their own medical nightmare. The response has been remarkable. Now and again they find me after their accidents, and they are so happy and so thankful that someone had been there to help them and notify their families. It was not me in particular that they felt grateful for, it was the fact that someone, a stranger, would help them in their darkest hour. Someone who wanted nothing more than to ease every ounce of their suffering and who would hold their hand. Someone who had faith, in everything and everyone.

That is what I keep in my heart. ..
That is who I am now, the stranger who holds hands in the darkest hours.

I am happy. I get it now. Life is work, and I love it. .. and all in it.


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 8, 2004 - 09:15 pm:

I was nine years old, months before we would leave Alaska (Dad was stationed there in the Air Force). My friends and I were playing a game called "Bumper Cars" on the slide, about fifty yards from my back porch. I was the first in line, so I slid to the end of the slide, turned sideways so my feet would not touch the ground, and then one by one, each child slid down behind me, ultimately trying to knock me off of the slide. I had about six of them piled up behind me when I finally lost my grip and fell off. This time, everyone else fell with me and I ended up at the bottom of a very heavy pile of kids. I had hyper-extended my wrist a little bit, pulling the muscle at the back of my forearm. I yelled for them to let me up, and then I started walking toward my house. I got about half-way there when everything went black. I had fallen flat on my face, breaking my front tooth. My friends all thought I was faking it, or just kidding around, until one of them saw that I was convulsing. My best friend went to get my mother, and her sister went to get their mother. Both mothers tried to call an ambulance at the same time, but got a busy signal, two or three times before they simultaneously ran out to check on me. Meanwhile, I have this "dream": I approach the back door of my house, and my mother meets me there. I tell her I don't feel good, and she picks me up and carries me to my room. I note that my room is beautiful, clothed in soft, white cotton, and the sheer white curtains floated on the breeze above my bed (from behind the headboard). Mom puts me to bed, kisses me on the forehead and says, "You'll be alright, sweetheart. You just need to rest for a while.” And then she leaves the room, shutting the door behind her. When the door closes, everything goes black again, and then there's the bright tunnel. From the side of the tunnel, as if He himself is hiding in the darkness, a man's hand reaches down, as if to help me up. I reach for the hand, but before I manage to touch it, I hear a thunderous, (commanding but not frightening) male voice say, "No!" and I think "Not yet” was implied to me.

Simultaneously, I hear my mother's voice screaming, "My baby! My baby!" and I thought I heard her follow up with ”... is dead!" Turns out, somebody else said, "She's dead!" I struggle a little bit, but I can't wake up, I can't feel anything, can't move, and can't see. I start to scream, loudly and struggle to be able to do any of the above. I can't stop screaming until a hear the sirens, and I can tell they are getting closer. Finally, I regain vision, but I still can't feel, move, or speak.

The ambulance arrives and the sirens stop. Two men load me into the ambulance, and my eleven-year-old brother wants to go. They stop him and I see his face as he breaks into tears. I'm finally able to speak, "It's ok. Maybe Dad can bring you to see me.” Then, they close the doors and rush me to the emergency room.
Upon my arrival, there is nothing medically to find other than the obvious - signs that I had lost control of my bladder, I had broken a tooth, and I am now vomiting somewhat. Doctors follow up for months with EEG's, EKG's, blood work, you name it. They find nothing, not even initially, any evidence of my having hurt my arm or wrist. The pain was gone and never came back.

I recall feeling somewhat misplaced for a long time afterward. It wasn't like I didn't belong here, but more like I wasn't really here. I still feel that way on one hand, but at the same time, like there is a reason for it all. I can certainly see that I am needed in this place we call Planet Earth. I am very empathetic; I tend to literally feel the pain that others experience in everyday life. Signs of moral corruption leave me with an undeniable need to pray for people, both the corrupt and victims of such. I have experienced religiously oriented nightmares, as well as vivid dreams that soon after proved to have been foretelling. Such as, when I was about three months pregnant with my first (and only) son, I had been recently concerned about how I would know what my newborn would need or want. Then, I had this dream: I was in the delivery room, the doctor handed me this baby. His skin was somewhat dark, but his hair was blond and curly. (My baby was born with thick, wavy blond hair and somewhat dark skin. He tans very easily and never gets sun burnt, despite the fact that he spends a lot of time in the sun.) Within minutes, he appeared to be a three or four-year-old boy, but still tiny and wrapped in the hospital blanket. He looked at me with purpose and told me in plain English what he needed. (When my son was born, he carried a look of purpose, intense understanding.) I woke from that dream knowing that I wouldn't have any trouble on the receiving end of communicating with my newborn.

Here's what's really weird: For the first three months of his life, he always woke up between four and five in the morning, screaming like he was starving to death. One morning, when he was less than ten days old, he did this, and before I could start feeding him, he screamed, "Hungy!" Not once, but four times with each breath that he took. The last time was just as clear as the first. He is now five years old, and people are shocked upon meeting him to hear such articulate vocabulary and ideas come from a child his age. He talks in his sleep and when he's alone. He talks to strangers without skipping a beat. He never stops, and I know he didn't inherit this trait from his father or me, because neither of us are "talkers.”

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe

Synopsis:

This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.

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Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.

Psych-Ward:

By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.

>Judgement<

This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.

Crystals:

One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.

Now:

This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 

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