NDE Accounts

Archive through March 30, 2004

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:29 pm:

My mother was recuperating from a hysterectomy. While she was in the hospital for a week, I took care of my siblings. I did not eat properly, nor sleep like I should have while Mom was in the hospital; I was always anemic as a child. I believe this lead to my NDE. In 1967, I got up at 4 A. M. to help my mother prepare breakfast for my father who worked in the oil fields. Just as I was getting ready to put water into the coffee pot, I was suddenly overcome by extreme nausea that made me want to go lay down. Just as I was exiting the kitchen, my Mom was entering the kitchen.

I told her I was feeling very sick and then suddenly everything turned black. I was still conscious (I think) and I knew I was dying. I started calling for Jesus to not let me die. I was very frightened. Suddenly a small, bright light appeared far off and then it got closer to me until I was enveloped in this light. I felt so much love and peace. The light spoke to me and told me I was not going to die; that I just needed to go to sleep for a little while. I then started feeling extremely cold; I felt my soul or life leave my body. It floated from my feet, out the top of my head. I felt like I was floating upwards through the universe. It was very dark and I looked around to see if there was anyone else around me. I did not see anyone and I thought to myself "am I dead.”

Then suddenly I was back in my body. My father was holding me in his arms as I lay on the couch and was crying. My siblings were also standing around me. At the moment my soul was back in my body there was a yellow veil (that is the best way I can describe it) around my family. The yellow veil disappeared after a minute or two and I felt fine. That morning when the sun rose I went outside to sit and contemplate what had happened to me. Soon as I stepped outside I noticed immediately that the sky was so blue and more vivid than I had ever seen it, and the trees were so beautiful, and the green was also more vivid than I had ever seen. It felt like I was seeing the world for the first time. This experience left me happy and scared. Happy because I knew that Jesus was the light I saw, but yet I felt insecure about my life. I wondered if I would die again and there was so much life I wanted to experience. I also felt something extraordinary had happened to me. I was scared to tell anyone about this experience for fear they would think I was crazy. I could hardly believe what happened myself. I have always known somehow that my NDE was God's answer to a prayer that I had said a few months before. In my prayer I asked God to give me a sign that he was real and the Bible was the truth, otherwise I was going to commit suicide. I have had so many supernatural things happen to me since then. I feel like I am filled with love and compassion like Jesus and God is, and I also learned from my NDE that God is compassionate, and that Love is the most important thing in this life.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:28 pm:

When I was 7 ½, I experienced a trauma in my family and reacted by sitting in a chair and going into a deep state of letting go and had an out of body experience, I remember wondering “If this was an okay thing to do?” and then I just knew it was. Then I looked at the door of the room I was in to “see” if anyone was coming into the roo,m and I “knew” there was not. The experience lasted for a period of time which I cannot determine how long. Then I returned to my body. This became a habitual past time for me and I enjoyed the experienced very much and generally stayed in the room that I was in. Eventually, I decided to go out of the house and down the street to “see” what my friends were doing. I did not know how to do this except that I knew that I had to set my intention and then let go of my wants with regards to “going” any where.

Then I went into a deep meditation (which I did not know this word when I was young). Then I “went” farther and I cannot describe any thing about it except that it was darkish grayish and I thought that it went on forever, and I was going far far far and fast fast fast. I forgot about where I was going and just went along for the ride. I was aware of my form. Then I stopped because “I knew” someone knew I was there. I opened up really big and put all my instincts on edge, and then I saw something which I did not know what it was. I was not afraid, but incredible attracted to it. It was moving and undulating and flowing and powerful, incredibly powerful. When I grew up, I thought about how this looked very much like a nebula I saw pictures of, only with movement. I was incredibly attracted to it. I was breathless and drawing as near to it as I could. It was coming closer and closer to me and getting more and more powerful. I felt that I would go into it and it would consume me; I was not afraid, I wanted with all my being this to happen. Then I heard a woman’s voice say in the most gentle voice I have ever heard, “Far enough child!” Then a Light came from where I perceived the voice came from and it got between me and the “Thing.” I could still see the “Thing” and then the Light got thicker and thicker and covered the space between me and the “Thing.” Then I was in and surrounded by a pure white starlight bright Light. Before I could get my bearing, I saw a woman come out of the Light and then I asked, “Who are you?” and she said gently, “God.” I thought about how it was that Jesus was supposed to be God and this was a woman! So I said, “Naaahhhh”. She said, in an incredibly gentle voice, “Uh huh”. And I just knew she was. Then she asked me if I would like to sit on her lap and I thought, ”Golly, I better do it because I might never get another chance like this.” And so I did and we talked about a bunch of stuff, and that is when she asked me where I was going. I told her and then she said that it was okay to do what I was trying to do, but that it was “indiscreet” to do that without other people knowing you were doing it (going to see them when you were out of your body). I knew she meant that spying was impolite. And I thought, “Well, heck if you can’t be the invisible girl and go around peeking at what people were up to, what good was it?”

So I never had any out of body experiences again, because I thought they were useless. But I did go back to “Heaven” a number of times over the next year. It was always the same. I would sit in my favorite chair, a big overstuffed red mohair easy chair, and go into deep meditation and go see “Her”. After these experiences, I would cry and laugh and cry and laugh, because I was so happy to see her and be there and then cry because I was so sad to leave “Heaven”. Eventually she told me she would put me to sleep so I would forget her and not be there because “Many would follow the path to God and I was not to do this, I was to live life fully”. And I cried and cried and she comforted me and gave to me some “gifts.” I told her, “She could make me go to sleep if she wanted (I knew she could do anything!) but She could never never never make me forget her”, and I never did. I also knew that I would become very sick when I was in my early fifties and that I would rely on God to get through it and when that happened, I did. I had a series of near death experiences which are quite difficult to express. I also “grew up spiritually”, that is to say that prior to my fifties, I clung to a child’s interpretation of my experiences with absolute faith. Which I still have, but it is a much much more expansive understanding of "That which is.” And this is very tiring to write about and express and I cannot continue today, but if you are interested in more of my experiences I can try later.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:27 pm:

I must first tell you neither am I an experienced drug user, nor have ever used drugs in my life until recently - an experimental period, if you will. At any rate, I was drunk and decided to try the drug, ecstasy. That was a mistake. It must have a been an hour after the drug took effect that I had my experience. If I try to discuss it with my friends, they would tell me that I was hallucinating. I can tell you, I wasn't. I was sitting in my hallway trying to fight what was about to happen - I even managed to get a pad of paper and a pen to write down my experiences so I wouldn't forget them - I wanted to remember every emotion, every vision, every feeling I had. I was unable to write until after.

Darkness and silence filled my head and I could actually feel my heart stop. Cardiac arrest? I've never experienced utter fear and the possibility of total peace in one breath. If I could draw a picture - it would have to be illuminated - even the dark had an iridescent glow to it. In the middle of my view was a very bright, golden light - it was tall and narrow. To the right of the light stood four people. I couldn't see their faces; I just knew one of them was my Grandmother who recently passed away. She was the communicator. I get the feeling that another was a man and the other two were children. My Grandmother's voice was distorted, but peaceful and inviting. I was torn between going with them (the peaceful feeling) and the terrifying feeling of leaving my immediate family behind. Once I thought of my family, I panicked right away. I saw my Mother screaming and my sisters crying. Fantastic depression, even devastation, aren't strong enough words to describe how they felt - and I actually shared their grief. I felt so guilty, mortified, and ashamed of myself for dying. How could I leave my family like that? How could I leave them from doing a stupid drug? I refused to let them down. I started ignoring the light and saying, "No, no, no I am not ready to die. I am too young. I want to have a family. I want to live. Please, heart, start beating. I do not want to die.” I was begging God to let me live for a very long time. I remember breathing so hard to make my heart beat again. (I actually woke someone up out of a sleep.) Next thing you know, the light faded and it felt like something "sucked" me back into my body like a vacuum. All the sound came back. My surroundings were visible.

I just thanked God that I was alive and immediately started writing things down. Reviewing what I wrote - it scares me. I wonder if it was a life lesson - or a near death lesson. I did something stupid and irresponsible and it was God's way of showing me how my actions would affect my family. This is not a confession, but a true experience. My emotional status has changed. I seem to cry more than usual. I certainly think about this all the time. I'm just glad I'm alive and that other people have experience this too.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:26 pm:

When I was 28, I had just divorced an extremely abusive husband. He was abusive mentally and physically. My marriage had been a nine year nightmare. But he still wouldn't leave me alone. He would come around and force himself on me and I became pregnant. I already had three daughters to take care of and although I loved them dearly, I didn't want still another child to raise by myself. A friend had told me that if I took a certain substance it would make me miscarry. Not knowing how much to take, I had been taking strong doses of it all during the day. By bedtime, nothing had happened, so I took what was left and went to bed.

I woke up sometime in the middle of the night sitting straight up in bed. A huge, round, white light was moving away from me until it became just a pinpoint in the distance. I got up and walked around a little bit thinking about the light, knowing I had not miscarried and was not going to, and feeling strangely happy. I went back to bed and slept until morning. Just the light is all I can remember of the experience, but I think I was told to have this child, or I decided to have the child on my own, or it was simply meant to be. But I began to look forward to the birth and felt a peace about it from that morning on.

I had a son and I can't imagine my life without him. I love him dearly. My whole perspective on life had changed. I had a deeper understanding of EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE. I had never heard of NDEs or the light until years later when I began to read on the subject. As soon as I read about the light, I remembered that experience and was thankful that someone stopped me from doing what I had set out to do.

Another experience I had was in 1995. I had remarried and my husband became ill. His illness was fatal. He was a wonderful, kind and caring husband. During his illness, we became so close it was as if we were one. One week to the day after he died, I had gone to bed. When I was in that stage between waking and sleeping, I felt him put his arms around me from behind. I knew it was him; I knew I was lying in my bed in my bedroom. and I knew what was happening. I told him (in my mind) that I loved him so much and I was going to miss him so much. I felt him start to leave and I told him not to go yet, that I wasn't scared. And then I woke up. I lay there trying not to move. hoping he would come back. I knew what had just happened and I was so happy to know he still existed and I was more at peace about his death. I slept the rest of the night. I can remember every detail and will never forget it.

I hope this post isn't too long because I just remembered another experience. My younger sister (12 years younger) was having a baby at the age of 14. My mother was at the hospital with her and I was at work. I would call the hospital on my breaks to see how things were going. Having children of my own, I knew what she was going through and it was killing me. She was so young. The last time I called, my mom said it would be hours yet, so I went back to work. As I was sitting there, I felt a sense of relief and it was as if the sun had come out on a dark, cloudy day. I thought, "She has had the baby and it's over" and wrote down the time. And that was the exact time my nephew was born.

Thank you for letting me share my experiences with you.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:25 pm:

I was struggling with drug addiction. On this particular night I was in bed on my back experiencing the worst emotional and physical pain that I had ever known. I was a member of American Atheists and never prayed in my life. I called out "I can't take it anymore, I want to die.” At that moment, I felt something enter me and I began to be lifted out of my body. I realized that I was getting my wish and was dying. I panicked and spoke in my mind "Wait, I want another chance.” I was placed back in my body and the presence left, taking away all my pain, and leaving me with a sense of peace and comfort beyond words or experience. There was a flash of intense multicolored light in the corner of my room. I then drifted off into a peaceful sleep and woke up the next day knowing that there was a god.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:23 pm:

I had an accident involving head trauma led to an out of body/nde in 1989. During this experience, I believe that I experienced who I truly am - my higher self and its purpose. I felt connected to a powerful source - a oneness which is spiritual and more real than this bodily existence. I felt loved, understood, powerful and meaningful. I felt connected to all knowledge and had a sense of knowing about all life - past and future. I felt a most important purpose to my being both here and "there". I experienced a moment of clarity, which is living without fear or judgment, and how important it is to find this in ourselves - to be who we truly are. Following this experience my whole life changed - a wake up call - to get back on track. I formed a nonprofit organization, changed the direction of my life. I only want to experience, to learn, to teach, to love and to help. All other pursuits and details in life are hard to tolerate since this experience. I am concerned now about whether I am truly living up to my purpose and true self. I find myself wishing desperately for another connection to this experience. I have no fear of death - only of not living. Life in all form is the most precious and meaningful thing. I wish I could be more sure that I am doing all that I can to fulfill my purpose and to be helpful to all others. Hard to live in society as it is. Wish I were back in this experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:22 pm:

In 1998, I had a massive gastrointestinal hemorrhage due to acute liver failure. After 24 units of blood and near death, I walked out of the hospital. The 1st of April I was back in the hospital, with hepato-renal failure, sepsis, pulmonary hypertension, bilateral pleural effusions, hypoxemia, right heart failure with tricuspid valve regurgitation, on a ventilator, tubes in and out of my heart, liver, kidneys, stomach, and lungs. The doctors took me to the OR where a last ditch effort was attempted for a liver transplant. But the donor liver was found to be full of a fungal infection, so I was taken back to the ICU, in a coma, and given no hope for survival.

All of my family was called in; I was given last rites. While my brother prayed over my body I saw the most awesome and beautiful sight ever. I saw 100's of smiling faces, which were not man, nor woman, nor child. They had no facial hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, and did not open their mouths. They spoke to me, as in telepathy. They wore free-flowing, multihued, iridescent robes, and each one floated to and fro in the space surrounding me. Each one was engulfed in a phosphorescent blue-green, shimmering aura. I saw no wings as depicted in Angel pictures. One face I focused on, told me I must go back, for the world still needed me. I remember these words, "Go back, and do not be afraid. Peace you will have, and Faith you will know. Remember the feeling of this moment, and of the Love between you and God. You will have the Wisdom from God, so go forth and live and tell this to all who will listen, for there are many souls who need to hear your words." Then the darkness descended and the Angels faded away into a brilliant white light.

As I opened my eyes, I remembered what I had seen and felt. I cried from the overwhelming feelings of Love, Peace, Joy, Hope, and Wisdom I had just encountered. I am no longer afraid of Death. Each day I look to God and "My Angels" for their guidance. I face each day with strength, determination, and the will to go on living. And I can always see that bright light at the end and smile: I AM ALIVE!! My family has filled me in on the time when I was comatose and had slipped away into death for a few seconds. My brother who was praying over me, knew I had "passed on", but immediately felt a tremendous power come through him just before I opened my eyes after my experience. It has brought our family closer together. I still have thoughts racing through my mind, visions I do not understand, and coincidences that are uncanny. I am not afraid of anything, I was [afraid] before this happened to me. My years of being a nurse had given me an insight to near-death and actual death, and I have many stories of those that I can share also. I cared for my father and my stepfather at the times of their deaths, so I have seen it on every level, but none so profound as my own.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:21 pm:

It was a weekend and I went to a club with my friends. In this club, we got MDMA-Pills (XTC) and I took two of them. After a short time, my trip started and I felt very good because it was a good trip. I felt happy and a strong feeling of love and being loved. After a short while a friend of mine and I decided to leave the club to smoke a joint in his car.

After smoking, some kind of "supernatural" force pushed me into the seat. As I opened my eyes, the surrounding out of the car had turned into a thick brown mass or slime. Then the interior of the car vanished and many voices seem to talk to me, but I could not understand anything. My mind, by the way was all clear. Suddenly I felt something strange, something like a warm flux in the near of my solar plexus. I left my body for a short while just to return into the body of a soldier lying in hole on a battle field. I felt a strong pain in my right leg. The first time I was really frightened because it seemed so real to me. Everywhere were dead bodies, explosions and shots of automatic guns. After a short while, I left this body to return to my own. My friend sat the whole time besides me and he told me that I explained every detail to him during this experience. Since that experience, I got visions of the future sometimes, which proved themselves to be real.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:19 pm:

It was a few months after my boyfriend had killed himself. I was devastated and suicidal myself. He had brainwashed me into believing that we should both kill ourselves to be in a better place together. When he left me to be alone, I felt I had nowhere to go but to where he was. I bought a package of sleeping pills from a drugstore, thinking that it would be enough to kill me. I suppose if I was "meant" to die or that I subconsciously wanted to, I would have cleaned out the entire aisle. I drove my car to the top of a parking deck and swallowed the pills with some soda. I leaned the seat back and stared out of my window at the sky above. It was a beautiful afternoon, and the sky was filled with big, puffy clouds. I must have laid that way for some time. My fingernails had turned yellow underneath. I don't know what this meant.

Soon after that, I began to feel very heavy and could not move. The only thing that I could do was move my eyes and continue staring at those clouds. After a while, I felt my mind drifting away and it was as if I was among those clouds. It wasn't an out-of-body experience because I could still feel myself in my car and surroundings. I just kept drifting higher and higher past the clouds. It seemed as if there was an entire society of clouds up there. I felt presences, though not familiar ones. They were many of them and they seemed just beyond reach, past more clouds. I couldn't see them and they were communicating to me that I wasn't allowed to see them. I had to go back because that was where I belonged. I didn't feel any overwhelming emotions of any sort. It was very matter of fact, like someone telling you something tactfully. These presences sent me back to my car and I felt like I was "waking up".

I became very desperate to get out of this emaciated state. I looked towards a door in the parking deck, hoping that someone would emerge to help me. I tried to scream but couldn't. What felt like an eternity had passed. I just lay there and tried like hell to gain strength to move again. I don't know how on earth I did it, but I drove home. I slept off the rest of the pills and woke up a new person.

That was my last suicide attempt. It truly changed my life. Even if I'm depressed at times, I have so much comfort knowing that I am not supposed to die now. In the black void of feeling that terrible, something tells me that it is my job to stay alive, no matter how crappy I feel sometimes. Before this experience, I believed that suicide was an easy way out and OK. Now I have instincts that I never had before, telling me that it is NOT OK and that my life is full of other choices. The trick is finding the right one to bring myself out of a depressed funk. There is so much comfort knowing that I am not supposed to die and that I seal my own fate. That makes me feel incredibly full of worth and gives me an enormous sense of hope.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:18 pm:

When I was a young boy, me and some friends were sliding down a muddy bank, racing each other. Unfortunately, the end of bank ran into a back road. On one of these burn ups, I overshot the slide straight into the road into the path of an oncoming car. The car was travelling at about 30 to 35 mph. The outcome was, as you can imagine, not a good day out. I sustained two broken legs, one upper and lower, two broken ankles, and a bad back injury. I forget now the extent of that. Anyway, I remember bits and pieces of the journey to hospital and initially at the hospital.

I have no idea of the time scale. but at some point during or after my operation, I had what I can only describe as a major happening. I was in total light, absolute light I had no body just my mind <me>. I felt totally at peace. Then it wasn’t a voice as such, but it was communication in my head that asked me if I wanted to move on from this place. I was in another place same as this but better. Or if I wanted, I could go back. I did not hesitate. I wanted to stay with this place whatever it was; wild horses wouldn’t make me go back. For some reason or another, that wasn’t the answer they wanted. To cut a long story short, I was shown things about my future people. I would meet people that weren’t even born (it’s very hard to express this in written form) and what I had in store if I went back. So never being one to miss out on anything, I came back over the years. I’ve had an inner feeling that I was going to be all right, no matter how bad things got, or whatever scrapes I got myself into. They would sort themselves out. I was going to have a good life, and up to now that’s been spot on.

I’ll just tell you of one thing that’s happened since the accident. That’s proof to me. About four years afterward, I was about 17, me and some of my mates were at a youth disco. We sat at this table and there were two rather tasty girls dancing in front of us. One of my mates wanted me to come with him and chat them up. I declined. For some unknown reason, I knew, I just knew, that one of the girls would be my wife, but now wasn’t the time. Not just a girlfriend, but without question, destiny said “wife.” I had seen her before and after many times. We were married 11 years later and have a beautiful 4 year old girl. What happened to me is not something I shout about. I’ve only told three people, but it happened. I don’t feel blessed or religious either. It was at the time and to me now, a totally natural experience

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:17 pm:

I was at the local sauna with my wife, when about three to four minutes into it I began to feel real funny. My left arm became numb, and I kind of knew that if I didn't get out of there immediately that I would pass out. We had been doing the sauna thing for about a year and I was used to going in. My wife got me out and started applying cold wet towels to my head. I had trouble standing so I sat down in a deck chair. It was at this moment that things really started to go. I remember trying to keep conscious with all my will, but I was slipping. At that moment according to my wife, I let out the last breath of air, what she described as the death rattle.

What I experienced at the same time was, one there was no tunnel, at least of what I remember. I suddenly found myself in a waiting area, it was like a room with no dimensions, but filled with the beautiful light that has no source. I knew immediately that I was in place that I knew from a before. It was like going home. I remember the vibration was at a much higher rate, and it felt as though for the first time in a long time that I was completely free. I distinctly remember looking at my right hand, which was almost like an outline of a hand, but with almost a sparkle type of cast to it. I guess it wasn't a hand in the traditional sense, but something more beautiful. I also remember saying, or more like thinking, "What the hell happened? I must have died." I did not want to leave this place; I wanted to stay even though I had been married only a short while. I did not meet any deceased loved ones, but I felt they were coming to greet me. I cannot put into words the joy that I felt in my brief stay, but I will surely try to paint it. When I came back, it was painful. I felt the gravity, the wet coldness of the tile floor, the slowdown of the vibration, all of the things that this plane has to offer. My experience is as vivid today as it was over nine years ago.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:15 pm:

I never could describe it, but from 1993 -1996, I created an 18"x24" collage that's about as representative. (That was before I discovered computers; I have now reworked it a bit digitally from the original, though it's relatively the same as before.) I don't seem to follow the typical NDE pattern which explains the (?) above. I had a seizure of some sort related to medication and was in intensive care unconscious for a couple days. They released me on the third day, with no DX, and that evening I had this epiphany or whatever. If anyone's curious I will email it via jpg format, but the telling of it leaves me speechless. I can only say I emerged with a total understanding of the machinations of the universe and the phrase, "love is the answer, communication is the key."

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:12 pm:

In 1971, I was in an accident that left me clinically dead on the operating table. Prior to this experience, I had no belief in God or an afterlife. I was the mother of three sons, one that had died after being hit by a car. My son died one month prior to my accident.

I remember going into surgery. All of a sudden I was unable to breath. I fought to bring air into my lungs, then I felt a burning through the middle of my body, like a huge rope being pulled through me at a hundred miles an hour. A loud piercing noise was in my ears, and all of a sudden I felt myself passing into another realm and feeling peace. I didn't need to breathe. I saw myself pass by my husband and two sons, they were crying because I had died. I didn't want to leave them, then I felt peace again. They would be alright. I passed by four people that looked very somber. I felt they knew something was wrong. I was moving down a dark tunnel past these people who I did not know. I saw a door with extremely bright light beyond it. As I got close to the door, I felt an overwhelming peace. Such Joy and the thought that "There is no God.” All of a sudden the rope tore through the middle of my body again and the loud noise. Then all at once I knew, there is a God. I knew! it more than just understanding, I knew it with all that I was, in a way I really can not describe. I just knew it. The word peace really doesn't describe how I felt, but is as close as I can get. Perfect peace. Joy, perfect joy. A desire to pass beyond the door. Then like the floor falling out beneath you, I fell. I felt my heart stop, like it does when you know you are falling. I fell into total darkness. As I was falling, I felt the pain of burning all over my body. I was falling and burning and I knew I had fallen into hell. I knew I had a lifetime to believe in God and that I had chosen not to. I knew it was too late to do that now. I would fall and burn forever. I could hear others screaming, as I was. Falling, burning. I knew that no one knew we were there. We were lost forever. There was no escape and this was for eternity. Forever and ever and ever. Falling, burning. I screamed for God.,”I believe in you God", but no one could hear my cries.

Then it stopped. I felt breath come back into my lungs. I woke up in the ICU with nurses and doctors feverishly working on me. I heard myself scream, and I wanted to go back to the peace. Back to God. Why had I come back here? I felt God speak to me. ”Bring as many people to me as you can.” Later, my husband came in the room and I was still crying out. I died, I died and there is a God. My faith in God was renewed that day and has grown ever stronger each day. I know there is a hell and I know that God does exist. I also know that mankind doesn't want to admit that God allows people to go to hell. He doesn't, we do. We have a choice, and as I see people everyday wasting precious time, I just ask. Please find out. Don't be fooled by the notion that all is goodness and light. Search for the truth, don't be lazy. Your eternity is in your hands. If you ask God, he will save you. But you have to ask. Cry out today and I know that God will answer you. That's called prayer.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, March 30, 2004 - 09:10 pm:

I was under anesthesia, surgery on my neck. I was in black, real black. Then I was at the end of the black space. Mother Mary was there. I didn't see her, just knew it was her. I said I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. Then I was in front of Jesus. I could almost see him but he became so, so bright. He was sitting next to Mary; I felt was standing. Jesus said, “Would you die to work for me?” I said “ye, I would die to work for you.” Then Jesus said, “You would die to work for me?” I said “yes, I would die to work for you.” Then I was told I had to go back. I said “no.” They said I had to. I said no again. They said Joe and Alice needed me. I said “I don't care I’m not going.” Then I was being pulled backwards from my back. I passed my dad and nephew. I started to laugh and said “that's all it was it's so simple.” Laughing and crying because I had to leave the ultimate love [that] no words can describe. I knew I was home then and had to leave.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, March 26, 2004 - 02:41 pm:

I don't remember seeing the light, the other side, or a tunnel. I remember feeling a tunnel inside my lower belly while at the same time I could not move my body. I remember compassionate voices always trying to help me understand the rage of the mother.

These compassionate voices became my parents when no other being here on earth would listen to me. I remember being hated by everyone, so I think that I must have talked about hearing voices. I don't remember.

I remember someone wanting to move me to fourth grade from the second grade, but that did not happen. I remember drawing exceptionally well, but being hated for it. The strangest thing is that I don't remember why everyone hated me so much. This caused me to be alone all the time. I cried all the time. The first time I remember wishing for suicide was at the age of 12. A compassionate voice said to me that "there is something better ahead," so I did not kill myself, but that did not stop me from wanting to. My childhood was hell.

At the age of 26, a voice told me to go talk to a man walking down the street. He led me to my first metaphysical book--Living the Infinite Way by Joel Goldsmith. After gaining goosebump after goosebump from this, I expanded to Edgar Cayce and the Seth books. I have read about 150-200 books on the new physics, channeling, angels, philosophy, and the mind/body effect.

After reading several books on instantaneous healings, I decided to practice prayer myself. I wished for it over and over, wondering what it would take to see an instantaneous healing, until one day I felt one. I saw a coworker fall down in agony holding his side. I called out to him to see if he wanted help. Then all of the sudden, I felt a huge quickening of my body. I must have been vibrating faster. I don't know what to call this, but I was different. I moved over to the man and put my hand on his side for a couple of seconds or minutes. Then the man jumped up, not in pain anymore. I was thrilled.

Your belief will heal you. The point of power is in the present. The Seth books are my favorite. I have tried healing myself, imagining wholeness several times since then with success. I have practiced with my son, Laughing, with success. I want him to know there is no such thing as a germ.

I want to go to the Hands of Light school in Florida because I want to be a professional. I want to teach everybody that we are all connected in a huge web of light and energy. I have read The Holographic Universe and Parallel Universes. Nobody has to talk me into believing in many levels of reality within this space right here and right now. Now is all there is. The spacious present.

Once I felt a light being enter my body and then say something inspirational. Twice I have felt small light beings close to me, like a child when I wake up; with the other one, I felt small foot prints walking away from me on my bed. I have never felt the temperature differences that people talk about.

I and my son live in section 8 housing with food stamps and TANF. I feel totally at a loss about how to get funding for an expensive school like the Hands of Light school. I have felt energy many times, in many ways. I feel like I am wasting away. I am overwhelmed at the energy I feel. I was not socialized as a child, so who am I going to talk to? Nobody understands NDEs or EHEs. There is not a support group in Austin. I have talked to many counselors. I have not found anyone that will even begin to understand.

I wish I was on the other side where there is unconditional love 100% of the time. I know I chose to be here, but I am stuck. I could go around wishing the best for everybody all the time, but I want someone to talk to, to be thrilled with. I need to share. I cannot find anyone to be thrilled with. Even people with Reiki certificates do not understand my thrill, the depth of the energy I have felt.

Help me not to feel so suicidal. I just want to go back home, or a Transpersonal school. I am so bored with Marketing classes at the local community college.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 09:14 pm:

In 1996, I was assaulted and left in critical condition. I don't remember any of this. It was just a normal Friday afternoon, and then I was on a gurney being held upside down, vomiting blood. I lost consciousness shortly after being put in the ambulance.

That's when I had my Death Experience. I purposely avoid referring to it as a Near Death Experience, because I have done much research on the matter. NDE's are most commonly characterized feeling the soul disconnect with the body, a tunnel of light, and seeing heaven, God, lost loved ones, etc. These sensations are easily explained both medically and psychologically. The soul leaving the body is a result of the combined effects of vivi-mortis and muscle relaxation, which occur when the function of the heart and lungs cease. Blood, like any liquid, naturally flows to the lowest possible point because of the pull of gravity, unless it is moved against gravity by a pump (the heart). When the heart stops, blood flows downward. This is vivi-mortis. People who have NDE's are commonly lying on their back receiving medical assistance, which is why they live to tell about their experience. Thus, the blood flows toward their back, creating a sensation of the flesh or body moving backwards. As the lungs cease functioning and the diaphragm relaxes one exhale, creating the sensation of an inner force moving forward. The combined sensations (the body moving backward and an inner force moving forward) result in the feeling that the soul is leaving the body. The tunnel of light effect is caused when the muscles relax and the eyes open and the pupils dilate. One sees a blackness or fogginess surrounding a bright point of light, which grows as the irises relax and the pupils dilate further. At this point, one is aware of one's own demise. We learn though experience and the only way we know of death, beyond the idea of death, is through our experiences of death, i.e. those that we have been close to that have died, and our religious beliefs of what happens when one dies. Hence we see lost loved ones and heaven (or hell), and possibly God.

I experienced none of these things. I was alive one moment and the next I was not. I knew this because I was no longer in my body, though I wasn't floating above it or traveling through a tunnel of light to heaven either. It is impossible to describe what I did experience because there are no words or concepts in the real world that match. The best I can do is say what I know about it and what it felt like. I was in a place that is no place. It was the center of all places, at once outside the known universe (or our understanding of it) and encompassing the entire universe. There was no time in this place. Every moment of history and the present and the future were unfolded before me as one monumental event starting with the creation of the universe and ending, well that has since been blocked from me in such a way that it hurts to try to remember. I experienced something entirely impossible and indescribable, sensation without perception, or awareness without sensation. There was no hot or cold, or light or dark, or movement or lack thereof. There was only awareness. Of everything. I knew every thought and every idea that every person had ever had or would ever have. These were like voices (though there was no sound, so how could they be voices) overheard in a crowded restaurant, but I could distinctly hear and follow each conversation all at once without any one distracting me from another. Then all of that faded away, and there was one emotion, the only one I experienced through the whole event: peace. Complete and permeating peace. The total lack of all emotion, sensation, and thought. All things exist in contrast with their opposites; without darkness, there can be no light and vice-versa. No hot without cold, no pleasure without pain, no love without hate. This is the way we experience the world, through perception of varying degrees of opposites. This is the curse of man, that we enjoy the summer only because we know the winter is coming, we love and are loved because we hate and are hated. And because all thing are known only though contrast, we never know peace unless all these things have been erased, which is only possible through the death of or bodies and the end of our perception and experience and knowledge.

This event (for it wasn't an experience) lasted the smallest fraction of a second and also the entire existence of the universe. I drifted in eternal peace. Then I heard the voice or VOICE of God, at once as relaxing as sleeping late on a Saturday morning and waking to the sound of birds chirping outside the window and the soft scent of lilacs and roses carried on a gentle early summer breeze and the warm sun shining on your naked body and as powerful and frightening as lighting striking the very foundation of the building in which you are standing.

"It is not your time to be here, but you may stay if you chose. I have work for you if you choose to return." I didn't want to leave, but when the VOICE speaks, you obey. I know I was given a choice, and I chose the pain and misery of earthly life over the absence of all but peace. I sometimes wonder about that choice, but I think I made that choice long before it was put in front of me. I know I have work to do, that's why I came back. I just hope I am ready when the time comes.

I woke up on a gurney in the hospital where doctors were explaining to my mother that I would probably die in the coma I was in. They didn't know how I could still be alive. I sat up and was pushed back down because they thought I was having a seizure until I spoke. I was asked a barrage of questions like "Do you know what day it is?" and "Do you know who the president is?" and asked to count to ten numerous times which I did in four different languages. The questions stopped. My skull had been fractured and my head resembled a large misshapen pumpkin. I had three broken ribs, bruised kidneys, spleen, and liver. I was bleeding internally and the doctors didn't know where yet. I said I was going to go to sleep but not to worry I would walk out of the hospital in less than twenty four hours. I then closed my eyes and consciously healed myself. I could feel what was wrong with my body and where. I could redirect blood flow and nutrients to areas that needed it and away from areas that were bleeding. I could will my flesh and bones to grow back together. When I had a CT scan ran the technicians ran another because the readings were so strange. There was no brain damage whatsoever, which was considered impossible given the extent of my injuries and how long my brain had been without oxygen while I was clinically dead. Also there was a never before seen high delta wave reading that could only be explained if I had experienced REM sleep (and even that was a stretch) even though I was conscious and talking the whole time. That night I woke up at one point to see my doctor sitting in a chair in my room. I told him he could go tend to someone else if he needed, that I was going to be fine. He said, "I know, but what’s happening to you is unbelievable. You should be dead. I can't turn my back on a miracle. God is allowing me the opportunity to witness this and I just can't walk away." I later found out that his daughter had been in a car accident and had similar injuries. He had been questioning God and he thought what was happening to me before his eyes was God's answer that He was still here. I was admitted to the hospital at 2:17 PM and released at 1:44 PM the next day. They said there was no explanation for my recovery, but there was no reason to keep me any longer. I was supposed to see my doctor every two weeks for the following six months to track any long term effects of my injuries. After the first physical and the tests, the doctor sat down in the exam room and sighed. I asked him, timidly, what was wrong and he said "Nothing. Just that, nothing. There is nothing in my medical training or experience that can account for your recovery." He explained to me how bones heal. That the immune system goes crazy making new bone and there is a large knot of bone where there was a break. This is eventually dissolved over time, but the process takes months and sometimes there is a permanent enlargement of a bone that has been broken. He said after two weeks he couldn't tell that I had even had one broken bone, let alone three ribs and two in my skull. "All I can say is 'Do you believe in God?'"

The event drove me crazy. I really believe that. I experienced things completely outside the realm of human understanding. I heard the voice of God, which believe me, human beings weren't made to hear. I looked everywhere for the peace I had experienced. I tried drugs, different religions. I started to study physics and biology to try to find a logical explanation for the things that happened to me. I believed that it was all just some grand hallucination. You see I was raised in a Pentecostal church, very fundamentalist and very strict. When I began to ask questions, I was turned away, told my faith was weak, just because I couldn’t accept everything I was told, even when I knew these things were untrue, such as the earth being only six thousand years old and Buddhists being evil. I was told that it was a medical fact that males had one less rib than females because Adam's rib was used to create Eve, and I was told this by a nurse of all things. There is a story in the bible of God making the sun stand still in the sky for a whole day. I was told that scientists had calculated all the days since the beginning of time and there was one less than there should be. And so rather than accepting lies as medical, mathematical, scientific and historical facts, I had turned to atheism. I had found no truth in religion and now all my beliefs had been put in dispute.

I eventually accepted what happened to me as a medical and psychological phenomenon that just had yet to be explained. Until September 11, 2001, that belief held. Around six that morning a friend of mine made a remark about how beautiful the sky was. Surprising him and myself both, I remarked, "Yeah. It's a pity so much death will come out of it. Then I went home and watched death come out of the sky on CNN. In the Bible, when a prophet or wise man heard a message from God, he never gets right to work. He goes "into the wilderness" for "forty days and forty nights." In other words, "we don't know what happened to him or how long he was gone." Maybe my forty days and nights are over. Maybe sharing my experience and the revelations I have had, and the conclusions it has brought me, is the work I am supposed to do. Or maybe not. Either way, I have retuned from the wilderness and have brought back a message.

There is a way we can know peace in this life. It cannot be found in and religion being practiced today, for they are all to far from the truth. The truth in all religion, the foundations of all religions, the message we choose to ignore no matter how religious we think we are, is that there is one sin that is the root of all sin and three virtues that are the root of all virtues, are in fact the only virtues. Pride is sin and all sin is pride. It is the root of all suffering and ills of mankind. Through pride we reduce others to serve our will. Through pride we divide humanity. Though pride we conquer, destroy and subjugate people and nature. Through pride we kill each other, and through pride we die.

Patience, humility and compassion are how we know and spread peace. Jesus said "I am the way, the truth, and the light." Patience is the way through which all things come to pass. Humility is the truth that we each are no greater than any of God's works, no matter how small. Compassion is the light of peace shining through us, illuminating the world around us.

God created us all in his own image, and that means we likewise have the ability to create. We have created murder and suffering and pain. We have created hell. We can continue this trend or we can abandon pride and learn to act with patience, humility and compassion and create heaven on earth, experience peace in this life and in the next, rather than subjugate ourselves to an eternity of rebirths in this hell we have made for ourselves. This is our choice. We make it each day. Just as a recovered alcoholic chooses each day not to drink or to become a practicing alcoholic again, we can choose patience, humility, and compassion, or death destruction, and pain.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 09:01 pm:

I remember being in the top right hand corner of a large room in a hospital. I was up near the ceiling, looking down. My vision was very sharp, I could "hear" people in my thoughts, almost intuitively. I had no other senses, only this eyesight and thought-communication TO me (I did not feel that I could "talk" to the people standing around below me.)

I felt totally calm as if "this was meant to be" . I had no concerns or worries or thoughts of the "me that was before" or "my family left behind". I felt wonderfully at peace and happy. I had no sense of a body, I never felt the urge to look at my hand, for instance. I had no yearning to be anything than what I was, up by the ceiling.

Looking down, I could observe about 5 people in hospital gowns and masks, they were working on someone on a table or stretcher or some such. I knew instinctively that it was "me", but I did not see myself, only the doctors. It was all in color, they wore blue.

Suddenly, I was in TOTAL darkness, going upwards, a gliding feeling, at an angle similar to the steepness of an escalator, perhaps a bit steeper. I felt calm, at no time was I afraid. I had no sense of sound. Only darkness and a feeling of peace.

Then, high up, directly in front of me, as I was gliding upwards, a "door" opened, or rather, a rectangle of light "opened". No light spilled out from this "door" into the darkness that I was gliding through. The light stayed inside. It was VERY bright, but it did not hurt my eyes, I had no sense of blinking or being blinded by coming from total darkness to seeing this light. There was no sense of heat coming from the light.

In the light, there was a "person”, because no light escaped from the "doorway". This body was in shadow, so I could not make out any features, other than the shape. It was human, as it had a head, arms and legs, but I did not see the outline of a hairstyle, so I have no idea if it were male or female.

I was SO blissfully happy to see the light, I felt pulled to it. I was TOTALLY at peace and overjoyed. I was still gliding upwards towards this door of light, but still far away, I would estimate 200 feet away, when the person moved its arm and began to close the door, the light was then just a strip of light with the arm of the person outlined (the door swung inwards toward the person as it closed it).

I felt extreme sadness ...but just for a split second. Then I felt total acceptance with this "door closing decision" that was not my decision. I do not remember anything more. I do not remember being back in my body. I always have this "inner peace" that is part of me now. This is the first time I have recounted this experience. I thought people would think I was nuts! I don't mind sharing this with your researchers, as I think it's important that we as people should learn from one another and help each other.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 09:00 pm:

This is the very short version. The major experience(s) lasted close to eight hours. I put this into a NDE category for lack of a better classification.

The experience itself appears to be drug (biochemical) induced from a degraded antibiotic (found later) combined with exposure to certain substances that I was working with in the lab.

The initial effect of taking the antibiotic was memory enhancement and "clarity of thought". For example, after taking the antibiotic for about a week, I did some math problems from an old college math book and had no difficulty doing the problems, seemed to be so simple, and even remembered which problem had the wrong answer in the back. This from being away from the subject for more than twenty years.

Mind processing speed increased dramatically but I didn't feel like I was bouncing off walls, but rather it seemed like it took substantially less time to find an answer to a problem. A good estimate was that my brain was operating at about the speed of a ten year old. I didn't notice any difference in my maturity level.

I also noticed that I would at times have a totally different perspective on certain issues which don't have clear cut answers. For example, I was watching a hockey game on TV when a fight broke out. I felt this was totally unacceptable behavior and something should be done to eliminate the level of violence in the sport. On the other hand, I've played and coached the sport so I am familiar with what precipitates those events.

Prior to the near death type experience I had a momentary auditory flashback of an event which apparently doesn't seem to fit anywhere. It was about two seconds in length. At this point I decided to lay down and find out what may be going on.

After a minute of being relaxed in bed, I'm seemed to be able to enter an altered state of consciousness. I was cautious but also curious as this was something new. I found that after a few tries that I could slip in and out of this state.

When in this altered state I found that this appears to be the "tunnel" and I had started to explore this structure. What I found interesting is that this tunnel appeared to have some sort of walls or barriers and that it only seemed to be something that I could move through, forward or backward.

Moving forward I was able to see this "light" but never was able to approach it. The color of the light was on the order of a yellow/white which also illuminates that part of the tunnel, but the entrance to the tunnel was dimly lit and had more of a self-illuminated blue/gray color.

I had played with this for a while because it seemed to be some area that I could maneuver around in. I was totally aware and awake during this whole experience. In this tunnel I also found some structures which appeared to be memory files. This is difficult to explain and the best description is that they appeared to be structured in the form of bar graphs one placed behind the other throughout the entire length of the tunnel. These bar graph type memory files also seemed to have unusual properties and definite boundaries.

I wasn't very sure initially what these structures were because they seemed to be existent without function. But I had this ability to move up and down the tunnel ,and had noticed that one of these thin bar graph structures was enhanced or excited in some fashion. On examination, I found that this apparently consisted of a memory file which had a certain amount of information which contained events on the order of three to five minutes in length. The best description in reading the file was that somehow I had the ability to slip between one of the bar graph files and another. I had done a little experimentation in this area and was able to get other files to highlight and view the contents of those files. This then appeared to me as awake "memory" where all experienced events are stored.

From my experience at this point, this appears to be the "tunnel" of the NDE and why some people see their life pass before their eyes, because the awake memory files are stored within such tunnel.

This exploration of the tunnel lasted about two hours at which point I took a break and then went back into this altered state because I felt that I may have missed something. I did re-explore the tunnel and found an "opening" on one of the walls. This seemed to go into a void, and with some cautious entering and exiting, felt comfortable to look into this further. When in this void, I found another structure in the distance.

This structure had the appearance of a curved knobby horn, and it took a while to find the access points. There appeared to be various areas on this horn which seemed to be highlighted similar to those of the awake memory files, and also seemed to have been structured in a similar fashion. The only difference being that the memory files appeared to be in a mirror image compared to the other files. On examination of the files, they appear to be past-life memory files which contain events of past lives. I didn't have access to all the files which were quite numerous because only certain files where in this enhanced state. Details spared for brevity.

After exploring this I then took a look around and found another interesting structure near the horn like past life memory files. This appeared to be something like a stack of cubes, one on top of another, in a fashion to that of an elevator shaft. I had found access to the top cube which also has this layered structure, but didn't notice anything except "me". I then tried to access the cube underneath this and found it to be highly repulsive in nature as it seemed to be full of hate and anger or some state that was very unpleasing to be in. Only by partially accessing this state was I able to determine that the top cube state was "me". I'm not sure if this state is normal or this may be some implanted entity or could be the "original sin". It could also be a defense mechanism. I got the feeling that the other "cubes" were related to the past life history files in some way. And this might be the answer to the multiple personality syndrome.

All of this occurred in the evening and it was bed time. I laid down and very quickly found myself in this altered state of consciousness, but at some different level as the void in this case seemed to be diffusely lit in the yellow/white coloration. And I had noticed in the far distance a point of light which approached very quickly and manifested itself as a "human" being. He seemed to be about 5-11, slightly heavy build, shoulder length dirty blonde hair, beard, moustache, a little self-illuminated, and dressed in a very phosphorescent sky-blue robe. I had asked him his name and he told me it was Mogarth, and I had asked him what he wanted, and he said that he was to show me the "secrets of the universe", if I wanted to.

I didn't feel threatened at any time, but I also wasn't sure I was going to die either. I agreed to his offer and immediately lost consciousness. I do remember traveling to some place because this took time and certain things were pointed out to me as we traveled. I think there were times that I had regained some partial "awakeness". I do remember meeting other spiritual beings like him, but I don't remember their names. I had spent about two hours in this state and got quite a tour, but I remember very little of it. I was told to do a few things when I came back, of which [some] have been accomplished. I was also told about this "End of the World" scenario, and this seemed to hinge upon the inability of the human race to continue itself because of some disaster (nuclear) which puts all the souls destined to be reincarnated in a state of limbo. This also had something to do with this unusual personality state which I was told is the cause of all the world's problems.

After going through this experience I found myself to be less materially aggressive, maybe a little more spiritual and a little less religious, and more understanding of other people's point of view.

One very interesting thing is that last year I found a book, Golden Game by Kosslowski de Rola, in which I found my "spiritual being" and probably a good picture of a portion of this tunnel, along with such memory files, and a few other tidbits. Coincidence? Or maybe all this has been experienced in the past.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 08:57 pm:

I remember before I went to sleep that night before I experienced NDE, all I did was clean the house ‘til early hours and told my Mum how much I loved her before I went to bed.

I felt this power lift me from my bed while I was in a deep sleep, and remember a man dressed in black saying it was my time. I couldn't make out what he was trying to point at. Next thing I know, I was rushed into a black tunnel, and I was traveling with the speed of light in darkness. I remember there was a tiny light; at the end of the tunnel, I reached this light. It was a feeling I can’t explain: love warm, a feeling that I have never felt before; the light was so bright it was white love. Before I knew it, St Virgin Mary was there holding a baby who I believe is Jesus. I then realized where I was and made sense of where I was. Peace, love: I will never forget is feeling the radiation of His love. I asked her why I was here; she replied it’s your time; you have finished your goal and its time to come through.

No matter how much I loved being there, I thought of my mother and how I couldn't leave her to cope with my death with her heart problems. I asked St Mary if I could go back, she replied 'no'. I told her I couldn't stay here and that it was best for me to go back. I remember I was waiting for her reply for ages; it was like she was thinking. Next thing I know, I felt the speed of light coming back to my body, and I woke up with a pounce. I opened my eyes and couldn't believe I was back home. I ran to my mother’s room and held her so tight, and told her I will never leave before she does. She didn't know what I was talking about, so I told her my experience.

Since this experience, I can’t believe how much my life has changed. I have looked at life in a different light, and that we are all here for a test. I have also found my destiny, have found a good job, and I am coping with problems much easier.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 08:54 pm:

I had a Death Experience in August of l993, when I successfully committed suicide at the age of 36. So this is why I don't call it a NDE. I had grown up in a very verbally, psychologically, physically, and sexually abusive household in spite of the fact that my father was an ordained, licensed minister of the Christian faith. I was sexually assaulted in the U.S. Army by a superior during my tour of duty as a nurse. I also was assigned to work under his supervision, after the fact, for over two years. There was a great deal going on in my life at the time, being a newly divorced single mother of two beautiful children, and being militarily trained as a combat medic and then a combat practice nurse. My children's father was a policeman and was abusive to us all, during and after the marriage broke up. It was a very difficult time for us all.

I psychologically "blocked out" most of the events of the "rape" due to all of the other incredulous responsibilities I carried at the time. When I was finally finished with my obligation, I returned to the civilian sector and worked in gainful employment as a nurse. Approximately l9 months after my discharge, I later found out this was clinical textbook PTSD, I killed myself by a drug overdose. I went about my house and ingested every type of pill I could get my hands on. I guesstimate the quantity to have been close to l l/2 cups. I remember thinking to myself how I was astonished that they all went down so easily. That was around 0800 hours. I then went about the house to tidy it up and then tidied myself up with a shower. I shaved my legs, washed my hair, curled my hair, put on make-up, ironed some clothes, put them on, wrote a note, and then lay down on my bed to die. I recall that I knew my husband of one month was coming home at his lunchtime at give me my truck so I could go to work later that afternoon: at the Dept. of Corrections … Facility for the criminally insane. It gave me the bee-gee-bees working there with all the murders and child molesters.

Anyway, I recall thinking to myself that I would "hang on" until he came home and then I would "give up the ghost." (I have such incredible amends to make to him and my children and my parents for my actions.) The last thing I remember is hearing the truck pull up in the driveway out in front of the house, and then hearing the front door open and close as he entered. I thought to myself, "Now I can give up the ghost." And so I did. My spirit exited my body in the region of my upper chest/head and there was a gray type of fog/smoke surrounding my new spirit body. I began ascending through the bedroom ceiling and out above the roof top. I was so absorbed in this new world. I remember thinking to myself, "I'm dead. I'm in the world/existence that follows the physical one on Earth." I felt weightless, not just in the physical sense, but also in an emotional sense. I was aware that I was no longer in the emotional pain that had overtaken my life. I was in such a state of peace. I recall looking at my lifeless body that lay on the bed as my spirit ascended. I felt no regret. I did feel empathy for the pain that she/I had been in and then felt relief from that pain and peaceful as I "floated" upward and around the ten acres that our house rested on. The beauty of the natural settings: the wooded areas, the fields and the neighbor’s livestock. I felt "one" with them all. I "heard" them talk to me and I "talked" right back: a telepathy. Even the trees and blades of grass spoke to me. "See how beautiful and perfect we are. All we have to do is grow and exist and BE. We are all 'one'.” I "knew” that this way the way life was meant to be: perfect, flawless, complete and in harmony.

I "floated" about for some time and then I recall thinking that I wanted to go see what was going on in our house below. My husband had dragged my lifeless body onto the living room floor and was performing CPR to it. I felt no sadness; just "matter of fact.” Then his best friend arrived, relieved my husband, and began CPR on my body while my husband rushed through the house trying to find the empty bottles of what I had ingested. (My husband and his best friend were active duty … combat medic and nursing instructors.) I had returned all the empty bottles of medicines to their original places so it would be difficult for them to figure out what I had taken. I did not think about the pain I was bringing to others. I only wanted to end mine. This was not a cry for help. By being a nurse, I knew exactly what I was doing: I intended to succeed. And so I did. I recall the ambulance arriving at the house: I watched from above as I "floated" about in the sky and followed the ambulance that carried my lifeless body to the nearest hospital E.R. I watched as they arrived at the hospital and took my body inside to the E.R. staff, as the police cars came, talked to my husband and his friend: it was chaos. I felt THEIR frustration, fear, and pain and I remember wishing that I could convey to them all that they didn't have to feel all those horrible emotions: I didn't feel them in MY spirit any more; only PEACE and RELEASE FROM ALL PAIN. I wanted my loved ones to feel this same FREEDOM that I was now a part of. I continued to "hover" over the scene and I recall the doctor, after getting the report from the EMTs wanted to "call it" but my husband stepped in, refusing that diagnosis/prognosis and took charge of the "core.” The staff just stood around watching him, and then looked to the doctor in charge to say/do something. The E.R. doctor then took over agreeing to keep working to bring me back.

The next thing I recall was leaving the hospital and "flying" upward (kind of like Sally Fields in The Flying Nun) over the trees, rivers, valleys and mountain tops. I went higher and higher, all encompassing the entire Earth. I then was aware that I was being "drawn" or "pulled" to beyond the realm of Earth. I passed the clouds. The Earth was so beautiful below. (Even the most colorful photos of the Earth, that have been taken from outer space and then sent back, could not compare.) It was wondrous, this new world. I had a "new body,” so to speak. I had a head with large dark eyes, no ears, nose or mouth to speak of. I had a body with arms and legs resembling the physical body on Earth, but yet somehow very different. This new spiritual body was translucently white, but then again, it wasn't. It's so hard to describe. It "glowed" or "radiated" such light. It was not subject to gravity of the laws of physics that I had known while on Earth. If I wanted to go somewhere, I didn't use my legs to get there. I simply thought of where I wanted to go, and there I was. I could not "speak" or "hear" like the physical body, but I could "speak" and "hear" just the same. It was like telepathy. I could "hear" everything "speak" and I could do the same. I "knew what the people on Earth below were thinking and feeling without even being near to them. I automatically "knew" things and accepted this without fear or hesitation: it was normal for this new dimension I was now in. I felt myself being "drawn" upwards and left the Earthly realm. I "flew" past the moon, the other planets and the sun. It was awesome. I continued upwards into outer space where the sky was very black and stars were everywhere.

Then I found myself approaching this dark tunnel, which I can equate with what I think a black hole would look like. I was drawn to it. There was a definite entrance, yet the boundaries of this tunnel seemed to just blend in with space that surrounded it. I entered this black tunnel and continued to fly through it. There were many small colored lights twinkling in the "interior walls.” I "knew" these were "spirits" of some sort observing my arrival. I felt no emotion, just the same "matter of fact" acceptance of all this new world that I was experiencing. I flew through this tunnel for a bit and then I was aware that I was approaching this tunnels "exit.” It was the same as the entrance: there was a definite finish to it, but the borders at the exit just seemed to blend into space. It sounds like a contradiction, but it was, once again like a black hole. Upon exiting the tunnel, I found myself "floating" in space once again. But this space was different. It was the darkest black I'd ever seen and there were no stars or other planets or sun: nothingness. No warmth, no cold. No other presence; total aloneness and void. I was without any stimulus whatsoever. I was alone with myself and my own thoughts. I remember asking myself, "What is this place? It's the absence of everything that originates or that's related to GOD: no light, no nothing."

I then became "aware" of the unseen presence of a "guide" for lack of a better explanation, but there was no communication between us. I then saw to my right at a slight distance, a light which was orangish-yellowish-reddish. It was surrounded by the shape of a doorless archway and the colors I could now see were the illumination of flames. There was this shadowy figure standing there in front of the flames in the doorless archway. There was also a type of "table" which led into this place of flames. (I would describe this table as not burnable, but cold and hard. It acted as a type of "conveyor belt" for "bodies" that were to be delivered into the flames. I equate it with the rolling table in the refrigerated compartments in the morgues that dead bodies are placed into awaiting disposition.) I still felt no fear or danger or dread. It was all just a matter of fact. I still had PEACE. I "knew" this place to be the Gateway of Hell: the absence of God and the torment of one's own consequences. It was at this point that the "guide" that I "knew" was there (but had been without any communication with "him”) "spoke" to me. He told me that this is a place of fear: a place without the presence of GOD: hell. He told me that because I had no fear, even in the very act of killing myself and going onto the unknown next dimension, that this place was not where I would go. I was only to be shown it as a "warning or know ledge" to those who live in fear.

The next thing I recall is "floating" below the white ceiling tiles of the E.R. and observed the medical staff still working on my lifeless body. The doctor in charge was giving orders to the other staff: I.V.s were put in, CORE drugs administered, my clothing had been cut away, and electric cardiac shock treatments were being readied to deliver to my chest. It was after the doctor yelled "clear" and the moment the shock was administered, I was back inside of my body. I felt the incredibly powerful surge of electricity radiate through every part of my physical body, from the tips of every toe to the tips of every finger, and to the very ends of each strand of hair on my head. It was not painful, just so powerful. I remember hearing with my physical ears, the doctor, the other medical staff and my husband at my side. I began having tonic and clonic seizures. I recall thinking to myself, "I'm posturing which is indicative of major brain damage. But I can still hear everyone." I could not feel any physical sensations, however. I recall the doctor yelling at me. Apparently, he was trying to intubate me, but I was very combative and would not hold still. I heard my husband tell the doctor to instruct me to hold still so he could put in the trach tube, and do it like a superior in the Army giving me a direct order. The doctor did so, I heard his order, held still and he was then able to get the trach tube in.

That's the last thing I remember in my physical body at that point. I apparently, "coded" on them once again. I remember rising out of my body for the second time, and saw my body laying on a gurney all hooked up to life support equipment. They said that they didn't know where to put me. I was being kept alive by the life support equipment, but they supposed I was "brain dead" and were going to do EEGs to find out for sure whether or not there was any brain activity left. I heard them talking as I floated around the room where I was. They, the doctors and my husband had agreed to placing me in the SICU, do tests, and keep me alive long enough for my daughter to fly in to see me, and say goodbye, should the EEGs come back with a flat line as they anticipated. (I have so much to make amends for to my loved ones somehow, someway.)

My husband and I, my daughter and I, have never discussed this series of events: I had no memory of my DE or all that had happened until just recently, and my daughter, to this day refuses to discuss it. In fact, she will not even speak to me to this day. I am paying the consequences of my actions here in this life. I pray that someday she will forgive me. It has taken my living ten years in hell on Earth, a hell of my own making, and another suicide attempt, another conversation with God after my second suicide, to make me "see" the TRUTH. My husband and I broke up and divorced. It was too much for him, as well. I pray that he will someday forgive me, too. Not for my sake so much, as for his sake and my daughter and son, for their sakes. "Forgiveness is the best gift that we can give to ourselves.” Lack of Forgiveness, I've realized, just poisons those who refuse to "let it go,” and continues to affect our lives in a negative way until we do forgive. Forgiving sets US free. If others choose to hang on to the hurts and resentments, they sentence themselves to an existence based on fear not only in this life, but also in the next life you are given, and the next, until they learn. I'm learning, finally, to Forgive others. It matters not whether or not they receive this gift that we offer. What matters is that we choose to free ourselves from the bondage that goes with the lack of Forgiveness, or the lack of LOVE, or the lack or Mercy, or Compassion, or whatever act of fear that we hang on to. (I've gotten off my story line. OOPS.)

The next thing I remember is my spirit being "drawn" upwards again. I recall such a bright, bright light which permeated everything. I felt such a "weightlessness" again, and not just a physical weightlessness, but one of such a carefree, without a worry or doubt or pain or torment. I then "heard" this very, very, very loud noise: it was almost deafening, so to speak. I can equate it with the noise of the gigantic turbines I saw and heard once on a tour at Hoover Dam. Combine that with what I equate with the vibration and frequency of a large tuning fork. The noise penetrated everything. I got used to the noise, it seemed, because I recall seeing this brightly lit tunnel with concentric circles in it with alternating colors of soft pastels of aqua-blue-green and a pinkish-peachy-coral and solid white. It drew me into it and I felt such PEACE and LOVE. It was beyond wonderful. I traveled into this tunnel of Light and all around, in the "interior walls" were many small colored lights twinkling. I "knew" they were "spirit" of those who had gone on before and were there joyously welcoming me. I saw them standing there as I journeyed through the tunnel. I saw their faces. There were so many. I "knew" them; they were all very "familiar" to me although I didn't recognize their new "faces.” I could "hear" them all talking: they were welcoming me "home.” Then I recall coming to the "end" of the tunnel to the brightest bright I'd ever known.

Next, I was walking with this "friend" who was clad in a long white gown/robe. He was beautiful. He had hair of gold and he shone of PURENESS, LOVE, WARMTH and LIGHT. We walked together, side by side, on a green grass, with a pond as clear and blue as glass. In the pond were ducks and white geese swimming about without a care. The sky above was the softest, purest, warmest blue without a cloud in it. There were these amazing butterflies and birds flying about singing the most beautiful songs that I've ever heard: it was indeed Paradise. He and I "talked" and walked for some time. He told me that He and all there knew why I had taken my own life and there would be no judgment or penalty for my deed: all was forgiven. He told me that I had no right to take my life, or any life, however. Only GOD had the authority to give and take a life. He explained how life was sacred and was to be cherished. He told me that I was welcomed there by all and was Loved by all unconditionally. He further explained that it had not been my time to die or come "home,” yet. He said that I had not completed by mission. He told me that I was to be given the choice of staying there, or returning to finish my tasks. He then led me to what I shall call the "chamber" of a crystal palace. (The crystals were magnificent. They were more than just decoration or part of the architecture; they were somehow "alive.” They didn't move about, but they "spoke with a knowledge.” The room of this chamber was so bright. There were many "others" in the room all radiating their own and yet a common LIGHTNESS. They were all very large and dressed in white gowns/robes. Their hair shined like gold. They acknowledged me, welcomed me and "spoke.” We then were all shown the review of my entire life: every thought, every word, every action I had during my lifetime on Earth as Gayle. It was complete although it seemed to pass before on the close to l80 degree screen at a very, very rapid rate. Almost in the blink of an eye, I would say. All was "known" by all. All was "understood" automatically by all. There was only Pure LOVE present. I felt no judgment or condemnation, only Unconditional Acceptance, Peace and LOVE.

Then HE appeared: The DIVINE SUPREME INTELLIGENCE; GOD. The LIGHT that surrounded HIM, that enveloped HIM, that WAS HIM, was almost blinding. I could not see HIS face, only the brightest of brightest LIGHTS. HE WAS LOVE: I felt it. I knew it. I knew HIM. I was part of HIM. I WAS LOVE. All there were total LOVE with HIM and of HIM. It was glorious. I never wanted to leave HIS presence. I knew that HE would never leave mine, even if I chose to return to Earth. HE was part or rather the whole of me, and I was the whole of HIM. All things there were in ONENESS. HE asked me what I had chosen to do: whether to stay there in Paradise or to return to complete my mission. I knew and understood how everything "worked": the laws, if you will, of that dimension. I, without hesitation, told HIM that I chose to return: it was a choice based on LOVE. DIVINE LOVE. HE instructed me to "Make a difference, Gayle." His smile........I carry it with me. I was told that I must return right away as the time for my physical body on Earth was running out. His final words to me were, "Show LOVE. Live LOVE. BE LOVE.”

It was at that very moment that my spirit was "floating" beneath the white ceiling tiles and the white lights of the SICU where my physical body lay, all hooked up to the life support machines. I saw a young male doctor in his long white lab coat, and two female nurses. The doctor was telling the nurses that it was "time" to turn off the life support on my body. One of the nurses pled with the doctor to "give her a little more time" to see if there would be any improvement. He reminded her of the flatline EEG results and that it was the family's wish, and had also been my wish (I stated in my suicide letter that I did not want to be kept alive by artificial means) to be let go if this circumstance came to be. He then walked over to the ventilator and turned it off. At this point, that same nurse walked over to my bedside and whispered into my left ear, "Breathe. Breathe. Breathe." At that very moment, I re-entered my physical body: I heard her words out of my left ear. I then apparently began breathing on my own.

The next thing I recall is waking up in the SICU bed and was unable to speak, because I was still intubated, and was unable to move a fraction, because of the very secure four point restraints that were in place. I opened my eyes and saw the white ceiling tiles, the white overhead lights, and the ventilator to my left and I knew where I was: I was a nurse and I immediately thought of the teachings in nursing school about what a comatose patient waking up in the ICU would think and feel. I was now in the bed, instead of aside it as a practitioner. I knew exactly where I was and what had happened. (I had no recollection of my DE at that time.) I remember thinking to myself, "S-IT! I'm still alive." I started to silently cry. I remember a female nurse standing over the head of my bed, seeing me open my eyes, and say to me," Don't fall asleep. Stay awake. Don't fall asleep.” I recall thinking to myself, "What the hell. If I'm meant to die, I'll die. If not, I'll be back." I was not afraid. I felt just that same matter of fact, and so fell back to sleep. The next thing I remember is waking up again. I was still intubated and bound. I knew where I was and what was going on. I looked to my left and saw a female nurse sitting down working on a chart. I started to cry. She noticed I was awake and grabbed a tissue and walked over to the left side of my bed and dabbed my tears away. I kept on silently crying. She asked me if I would like for her to untie the four point restraints, and I nodded a yes to her. She asked me if she untied them, would I agree to not fighting, and I again nodded yes. So she untied them all. She explained that she knew that I was a nurse, and that I was intubated and could not talk. Apparently, I was left intubated so the ventilator could be the auxiliary breaths that I still needed. I was breathing on my own, but not at an adequate rate. They extubated me later that day, after my Ph balance was restored to a normal level. I remember them taking it out. Uugh.

I was still in and out of consciousness for the remainder of this, the second day. I was given meds to protect my liver from the possible damage done to it by the overdose and on the third day, I was discharged from the SICU, and walked out on my own without any obvious deficits. I have a little bit of trouble with my memory at times, but otherwise, I am whole. I praise GOD for this. The times after this were very hard for all involved. I lived in a hell of my own making for ten years. My life, my relationships all disintegrated. In 2004, I was so overwhelmed by my daughter's choice to cut me out of her and her sons' lives, that I stopped taking my antidepressants on purpose. I knew that if I stopped taking them that I would become so despondent that I would take my own life, again. It is not my daughter's, or son's or anyone else’s fault or guilt: I was and am responsible for my actions whether or not I think so. I'm paying the consequences of my choices here now in this life on Earth.

On this second attempt fairly recently, I'm not sure whether or not I died, but I do remember being in a really dark place, and "hearing" GOD "speak" to me. He asked me, "Gayle, haven't we had this conversation once before?" I remember "chuckling" with HIM over his question saying to HIM in reply, "Blessed Lord even YOU have a sense of humor in the darkest hour." The intervention of this disparaging act was in itself miraculous, and I thank and BLESS all those involved in saving my miserable life, at that time I mean, for showing the wisdom, compassion and patience they all demonstrated and still do in that day and in those that follow.

My father used to tell me, "Gayle, you're like the mule who had to get hit over the head first with a 2x4, just to get his attention. You're a hard-headed, thick-skulled German." And I'd reply, "Just like you, Sir." My life has changed dramatically, spiritually and emotionally speaking and I give all glory, praise and thanks to the GOD OF LOVE. I still have a lot of cleaning up to do in my life, and so many, many amends to make to so many, many people in my life that I have hurt. I wake up each morning and ask HIM to give me a heart of gladness so that I may be a testament and healing source to all. HE loves us all so very much as we all are his children. May we choose to live a life of LOVE not of fear. PEACE I pray for in this world of troubled times and I send BLESSINGS to you all in HIS NAME, THE DIVINE SUPREME INTELLIGENCE, GOD our HEAVENLY FATHER, TRUTH AND LOVE.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 08:51 pm:

When I was 17 years old, I had the measles and Scarlet fever at the same time. I was given penicillin for the measles which turned into Scarlet fever. This particular mourning I had over slept and remember feeling like I had a heart attack. I felt my body rise up off the bed and come back down hard. At that point I remember looking down at my physical body on the bed as I rose through the house and toward a white light. I saw my house and the surrounding area as I continued to move toward the white light. I felt no pain, suffering, or other discomfort. I felt the white light was a calming peaceful place and I was drawn there. I do recall looking down at everything I knew as I floated away. I could see figures as I continued toward the white light but was not yet close enough to discern them. Right at that moment, my mom came into the room to wake me up. Mom shook me violently, and I remember being thrown back into my body. At that time I was not sure what just happened, but mom took me to our doctor right away. The doctor said, "If my mom did not bring me right over, I would have died." My temperature was at 104 degrees and the doctor had to quickly bring down the fever.

For many years after I had dreams of me leaving my body and going towards the white light. I have found that I relive the future (deja vu). I have had sleep problems ever since. I have had feelings like I have been places before when I have not. I have experienced that I can seem to make people believe things that I say without question. I have had visions of the future, for example last year in early February I had a dream about Atlanta and seven people who are killed in a fiery crash. Woke up one Saturday mourning and found the space shuttle Columbia with seven crew members aboard had disintegrated on reentry. For me, I was genuinely scared because I wondered, did I foresee this disaster with these seven people and just got the name wrong? I was numb for weeks after that.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 08:50 pm:

I was in a coma after having surgery and a massive infection that shut down my kidneys, caused brain swelling, and many other medical problems. I looked to the side of my bed and an angel was standing there. She told me today would be the day that I would die, and I told her I could not because when my boys came to see me they would be upset that I never said goodbye. She told me there is no such thing as goodbye and that the second I died, God would be there to take me, and that all I had to do was take my right hand and put it into his and everything would be OK. She took me through this long tunnel filled with the most beautiful light, and all my deceased family members were there, although, I could not see their faces... The light was magnificent and comforting. At the end of this light, God was there waiting for me. I walked up to him and put my hand out, and he dropped his hand and said "No, it is not your time," and would not take my hand. The angel walked me reluctantly back through the light, That morning I awoke from the coma to the shock of my family and doctors. They had no explanation for my recovery.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 25, 2004 - 08:47 pm:

I had a serious accident. Hang-gliding in 1974, I crashed and it took a couple of hours to get me off the mountain and into an ambulance. Being in shock, I had no pain until I reached the first hospital which didn't want to admit me because I had another insurance plan. I was left on a gurney and blacked out numerous times from the pain while the ambulance drivers flirted with the nurses as they awaited directions for where to take me. Finally, they took me to another hospital where I was operated on. This too took hours, and knowing that I wouldn't survive, experimental surgery (it was a practice hospital where interns were taught) including instances of what was later considered to be malpractice were done on me. After the operation, in recovery, I died on the table. I found myself high above my body watching the nurse turn me over onto my side, all the time yelling at me "cough up the blood . . . take a breath!” (In the accident, I had broken all my front teeth off at the gum level and had profuse bleeding.) The nurse would pound on my chest and periodically slap my body. As I watched all this from above I could hear her shouting, but it seemed as if it were a couple of blocks away.

I remember thinking, that if I let go, I would die and had no fear of that at all, but then remembering I had two pre-teen children and how that would impact them, I immediately snapped back into my body. (I say "snapped" because of my one other out-of-body experience, but it was not an NDE - during that one, I felt the sensation of being snapped back into my body.) But this time, it was just an immediate return.

A few days later, the nurse came into my room and we talked - mainly small talk - she was asking me how I was doing, etc. I asked her, "You're the one, aren't you.” She asked, "what do you mean?” "You're the one who was pounding on my body while I was floating above us," I told her. She began to cry and told me, "God told me not to let you go."

That statement had a profound impact upon me. I'd begun questioning whether God existed until then, had begun to experiment with some religions. Now, He has proved His existence to me in a super-natural way, a way that is so meaningful to me that I've taken risks that a normal person wouldn't . . . All in all, it was the best thing that ever happened to me; it changed my life!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 12:59 pm:

I found myself at the ceiling of the hospital room. I had no body, but I was at a point of higher consciousness; a spiritual being telepathically was embracing me with love and peace like I have never known. I felt connectedness and ONENESS with all of life. I knew that I was near death, but I was so happy and liked where I was. I did look down at my mother and another female in the room, but I did not see my body nor remember getting back into it. At times I sense things before they happen or before I see someone, I sense that I will see him/her. Since my NDE, I do have chronic allergy and sinus problems which I did not before my NDE, and also I have migraines that are sensitive to weather changes. I have always had a sensitive nature, but I was not intuitive like I was/am after the NDE. I was left with an insatiable desire to learn and still feel the connectedness to all of life. I do feel that I have a mission, which may be to research NDEs cross-culturally. I did that for one of two masters degrees that I received after my NDE. I have blended Eastern philosophy with my Christian beliefs, but at the time of the NDE I was open minded. I have no fear of death, and I feel that I was enlightened spiritually.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, March 11, 2004 - 12:56 pm:

I had many "visions". I am not sure of the time frame, as I was ill for some time. I was in a medically induced coma at one point for about three weeks. These could have come then or the months following while sedated in the hospital? Here I go....

From what I've read here on this site, is that my experiences are in the type III - Hellish Experiences. I have so much to share and have never been able to find anywhere to find/share information.

The devil was in each vision that I had. He took form of a black Chinese cat. Sometimes he chooses other forms to "trick" me, but he always had to show himself at some point as the cat.

He wanted my soul, and badly. In one vision, I remember being tied to a cargo net (much like a spiders web), and he (the cat) was in the corner, and he was waiting for me to submit my soul to him. Each time I began to waiver and say....‘ok, take me, I can't do this any more,’ he would approach and then with renewed strength, I would start reciting that my "soul belonged to Jesus Christ." With that, I became emotionally stronger and the cat would become angry and back away. Sounds weird huh? I've only just begun.

I was being held in a black room with a divider half-way between the lengths of the room. The cat (who was taking me to say goodbye) took me to one section of the divided room, and I looked down to the end. There was a window that allowed me to say "good-bye" to my mother, daughter, son and a friend; each person separately. They were crying, and I was telling that it was ok, that I was dying and they would be ok. Everyone accepted this except my friend; she was carrying on about how I couldn't die. The cat then led me to another section that I had not seen before, and it was higher like I had to be elevated to that area. At the top was a "Buddha" that looked at me and said, "Beware of what you wish for." He repeated that saying several times. At that time, the cat informed me that I had two doors from which to choose from. One was of gold gild and the other was a plain door. He opened the gilded door and through it, I could see a large green field with the sun warming it and lots of flowers and children playing and laughing. It looked inviting and fun. I told the cat that I choose that door and wished to go through it. The Buddha again repeated his words. I stepped through the door into darkness and felt myself falling and falling and falling with a panicked feeling of dread, death and hell.

The cat was laughing and telling me I choose foolishly. I said that I had changed my mind and didn't want that door and wanted to be with Jesus Christ; that he could be the only being with my soul. I continued to repeat to the devil that "he could have my body, but my soul belonged to Jesus Christ". I found myself at the platform with the Buddha again and the cat was gone. The Buddha again repeated his words’ and I looked at the plain door. I opened it and felt spiritual warmth unlike I had ever felt. I never "saw a light" or anything like others have expressed. But I knew that I was in the presence of the lord.

I have lots more experiences with the cat that I had before this one with the Buddha but I'm tired and cannot write anymore.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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