NDE Accounts

Archive through December 5, 2003

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, December 5, 2003 - 08:22 am:

My experience came to me in a dream at the age of 12. I am now 35. Writing about this has been difficult over the years. Mainly because my experience was so "out of this world" extraordinary. I've always said that there are not enough words to describe the feeling of pure unconditional love and knowledge. And although my experience was not a result of a clinical death or trauma, I clearly identify with those who have traveled to the World of Light and Love, a place I like to call "HOME".

My dream begins in a Department Store. I am walking with school friends when suddenly I become dizzy and disoriented. I fall to the floor. The next thing I remember is looking down upon my body. I clearly see my face, then glance over to see and hear a sales clerk scream "call an ambulance!" As I slowly ascend towards the ceiling, I see people rushing over from the rows of clothing to observe the commotion. Then a bright flash of white light takes me instantly to my bedroom closet at home.

I am in my bedroom closet, looking out into my room. My parents are sitting on my bed, packing my things, when my Mom begins to cry. I wanted so desperately to reach out to her and tell that I am okay. I knew I was in my spirit body because they didn't know I was there. After watching them for a while I decided to say goodbye.

Another flash of light instantly takes me to my school. I am sitting on the bleachers of my gymnasium watching my class play battleball :o). As I sat there I remember wanting to share this with them and to tell them that I was okay.

Another flash of light comes, only this time it felt like the Light consumed me. Here I was, surrounded by the most magnificent white light. A light that radiated beauty and everything good. Unlike sunlight, this light was comforting and soothing. It was the most profound plane of existence known only to those who have witnessed it themselves. I was then greeted by a group of spiritual beings with whom I instantly recognized as those I had known in other lifetimes, or from HOME. Probably because nobody close to me had died in my 12 years of life. I was overjoyed to be reunited with them and a little surprised. Like giving a puppy to a child, I was happy, relieved and never felt so loved.

At this point, my experience becomes a little vague. I feel like a part of my memory was blocked. But the next thing I knew I was being taken by my group to meet someone very important. I remember an enormous rush of energy and suddenly I was in the presence of The Divine One. To describe it in a physical sense, I remember falling to one knee and bowing my head. This being of Light spoke to me and explained that it was not yet my time and that I must go back. A feather soft motion of love passed through me as he gently touched the top of my head, waking me, back in my bed.

I must have laid there for what seemed to be hours, basking in the feeling of the love and light. I'll never forget how beautiful it was. Today, in deep meditation, I can still partially feel it, although it has faded over the years. Being adopted and never knowing my biological family, I am relieved to know that I have an extended spiritual family who await my return HOME.

Since this experience, I have had a number of bizarre coincidences and an out of body experience while in the recovery room after minor surgery. But nothing in my life thus far compares to the gift I was given at the age of 12. It has carried me through some difficult times and blessed me with the knowledge that life does exist after death. Unlike other stories I have read, my experience was not in any way religious in context. The love I have seen knows no boundary or separation in belief or culture. We are all descendants of the One Great Love.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 03:33 pm:

Well I'm not sure. Leading up to it people kept coming back into my life. Friends from 20 years ago, friends I'd lost touch with 10 years ago, an ex-fiancée from a few years ago. I told friends (caring for pets while I was away, and others) that I might die soon. I seriously thought, if this guy or this guy contact me soon, that's it the circle will be complete and I'll know for sure my time is up. So I started leaving ad hoc wills whenever I went away to ensure my pets would be cared for. I seriously thought I may not come home again every time I left. Plane accident just seemed like the likeliest event to take me out. I wasn't nervous, just prepared.

I got sick prior to a trip, but I wasn't aware of it. On the two day trip, the second day I was very ill, a Tuesday, flew home because I didn't think it was contagious: no respiratory distress. The next few days were horrible, to the point of minor delirium, but I always just thought I'd get better tomorrow, so just wait and see. I saw very ugly images whenever I closed my eyes; I hardly slept. I now attribute this to dehydration, but I'm not sure. Images were, pulsing naked chicken carcasses, backs, all connected. My heart? Yellow eyed creatures. My liver?

After I blacked out on the fourth day, Friday, I called emergency from the floor where I lay after crawling to the phone, I called my friends to care for my pets. I was very sick and concerned about what was happening to me, but never afraid. I felt in very good hands with the medics, I remember clearly up until I was intubated, although I was in and out of consciousness. They gave a drug that inhibits memory, so I am foggy about the time up until I was feeling better. Well, at least until I "came to" myself. I was conscious but have little memory of most of the really rough spots. My family and best friends all gathered as I was not supposed to live. I was joking wit them in the emergency room, by writing notes. Dyslexia comes out more under stress! I was medi-vaced to Ottawa and apparently flat-lined on the plane while I was being loaded. They wanted to give me a heart pump to prepare me for a transplant, but my liver was too distressed. I told one friend I did not want a transplant. On Tuesday, when I "came to", I rapidly made progress. I could feel the support coming into me from all over! I felt very safe. I kept getting better, my friends taking time massaging me certainly helped. I flew home the following Monday, then stayed in a hospital for an additional 4 days. Weak but high spirited.

At the time I couldn't really process everything, and allowed myself to not think about it at all. Sometimes I was a little overwhelmed.

Reading some of your aftereffects listed, I have almost all of them. Did I have a near death experience, I'm not sure? Can you tell me if there is a way to go back and try and recall the time I was under the influence of the drug that inhibited my memory? I'd like to know what happened, if anything significant. I feel more in touch with everything now. I already possessed this trait, nurtured through years of hard experience. I also started to feel directed. I was continually being given clues by seemingly coincidental methods. I did have a question in my head. "Ok, now I'm still here, but I need to know what direction to go in. I have SOOO many interests and desires. Which should I concentrate on?” And these coincidences seemed to make things much clearer. If it were happening to a complete skeptic, they would have to stop and take notice; this is how clear the episodes were. I have no idea what to attribute it to. Am I more psychic? I'm not sure. I am certainly more in tune with my dyslexia and learned more about it. What was once an after thought of “maybe I am,” is now a “you absolutely are but you've worked through most problems it's caused.” My IQ tests are very positive, although they are just web based ones. I feel like writing more, drawing more, my interest in art has tripled at least. I am seeking changes in my employment to be more fulfilled and use my natural talents more. I am exercising regularly and plan on continuing to do so. I certainly am more positive and more complete than I have in years. So was it something that came out of a NDE, or simply a maturing effect of trauma? I sure know I'm loved and cared about by more people than I ever realized. Anyway... that's my story so far....

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 03:31 pm:

I guess because I'm so rock steady in my self esteem (thanks to 7 years of hard, hard work) it only took me a couple of days to start talking about my NDE and I haven't shut up since <smile>. I read someone else's post about being embarrassed and worried that they would be thought crazy. I can relate to the feeling embarrassed. I felt like maybe I was creating it, but I trust my gut and my gut says no. It was real. More real than a lot of day to day stuff.

So, I'm here to talk and to look at other's experiences. The weird thing is my experience is nothing like I've read about. Not that I was any kind of aficionado of NDEs. I didn't much think about it - death or what it would be like. I've had a couple of spiritual experiences in my life so I thought I was unafraid of death. I was wrong, it turns out.

Anyway, my story. It's very recent. I can't even believe it was just last Friday AM (middle of the night). It feels like a lifetime ago. That's one of the reasons I want to talk about it so much. It feels like it's slipping away, the feeling I mean. So, I got the flu that has been hitting Texas this month. No biggie. Well, miserable, but no biggie. But then I got pneumonia, diffuse interstitial pneumonia to be exact. I also have asthma, though well controlled. Usually. I got really scared. I'm not a scared type person. I'm very independent. But I was terrified and especially of going to sleep (not that it was easy anyway, struggling for each breath as I was), so my partner would hold my hand and watch over me. That was the only way I could quell my fear enough to drift off to sleep (a little here and there). So Friday sometime between 3am and 6am I may have been sleeping or just drifting in and out of consciousness. I'm really still not sure. It didn't feel like sleep but neither was I really awake. I started to feel like I was being drawn into a vortex. I couldn't see it. I only felt the pull and the feeling was of ecstasy that was more intense than I could ever describe. For a moment or two (or who knows how long), it got more and more intense, and then I got so scared. I couldn't see my partner, but I could feel his spirit, and this part is funny, I could see his name spelled out in all capital letters. And I pulled myself toward his name and toward him. It happened twice. I don't know how far apart. In the morning, I had him take me to the hospital which is a whole other story, an awful story, and not about NDEs, but about escaping from a terrible hospital and doctor.

The story wasn't over though. The next night, sometime before 3:30AM, I drifted off to sleep (sitting straight up because I couldn't breathe), and when I woke up, it was over. I still had/have the cough and profound tiredness, but my breathing had become fine. Just like that. Poof. I had this same kind of pneumonia 7 years ago and it did not happen that way last time. I struggled for each step of recovery. I feel like these two things are related.

I've read that people come back from these experiences with a peace and no longer afraid of death. I'm afraid now. I wasn't before. I'm not sure what this is about. And it's funny, too, because the feeling, oh my, the feeling was beyond wonderful, beyond what I can describe. I know now, even as I knew before that death is magnificent, but I don't want to go. I don't know if this is a now thing or an always thing, but right now, I don't want to go. That almost needs to be in all capital letters - I DON"T WANT TO GO!!!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, December 4, 2003 - 03:30 pm:

My first experience began when I was about 6 or 7 years old. I was attending a Catholic Church. After the service, I remember going up to light a candle for the Virgin Mary. After I light the candle, I was praying and that was when I heard her talking to me. I heard a very soft beautiful voice in my head and I remember being mesmerized by it. It was telling me that I was going to be called upon and that I needed to be patient. I wish I could remember more but I can’t. I remember when she was talking to me, it felt like time had stopped and that it was just her and me in the church. I even saw her statue wink at me! Needless to say, even for a 6 year old, I did not tell anyone because I knew that statues are not supposed to talk to you, let alone wink at you. I had repressed this memory until my next experience.

When I was 27 years old, I had another experience. I had just had my second child and I remembering sitting in my rocking chair watching the selection for the first teacher in space. When Christa McCulla's name was called to accept the position, I felt a feeling of pure doom spread from my head into every cell of my body. It felt like someone had placed their hand on my head and let this ooze of doom invade my body. I could not move; I was frozen as this feeling went through me. I couldn’t believe this! I knew that if she got on the space shuttle she was going to die. I remember I kept saying, “This can’t be happening¨ over and over again. When I was released, I didn’t know what to do! Should I call NASA and tell them? If I did, would they even believe me. Who am I but a simple housewife with two small children?

I was so afraid that if I called NASA they would send the police out and I would be in trouble so I didn’t tell anyone. Little did I know that others were also receiving these kinds of feelings and calling NASA. On the morning of the lift off, I did not catch the initial showing of the shuttle blasting off. When I did find out what happened, I remember sinking to the floor and I made a promise to GOD that the next time he made contact with me I would listen. It was at this point that I realized that we are not alone and that there is something else going on, but I just did not understand. It was then that I remembered about the conversation with the Virgin Mary. I believe this experience was my awakening.

When I was 33 years old, I had another experience that was even more dramatic. I remember waking up one morning, and as I started to get out of bed, I saw a brilliant white light in the corner of my room. At first I thought that this was just sunshine, although I remember thinking that I never saw sunlight like that before, so I glanced at my door and saw that it was almost shut. How could all that light get in my room? Then I thought that this light must be the ghost of a girlfriend of mine that had pasted away when she was 19. As I looked at the light I remember how utterly beautiful it was. This light was really bright but it did not hurt my eyes to look at. I was mesmerized by it. When I closed my eyes, I could still see it. It was then that I fell back on the bed and realized that I could not move. It was like I was being held down. Then I saw images of a man and I heard a voice again talking to me in my head. This voice was talking about this man, and who he was, and that we were going to meet. This voice told me about his temperament, what he looked like, his heritage, and what he would say to me when we do meet. This voice said that this man needed to be shown the right path in life and he would give me the passion that I needed in my life. I remember tossing my head from side to side “NO I would never have anything to do with someone like this NO WAY!¨ When I was released, I thought “Is this really happening?¨ Things like this don’t happen. I was too afraid to tell anyone because I was afraid they would think I was crazy. I pushed this event back and did not think about it until 6 month later when I met this man. He was exactly like I saw him and he even said what the voice told me he would say to me word for word. I was in complete amazement. I remember making the promise to GOD to follow through and I did so. I tried very hard over the course of 6 years to help this man. He had a lot of problems and we were in out of relationship, and the last time we got together was when I had the NDE-like experience.

My NDE-like experience happened when I was 40 years old. I was back together with this man (Joe). I remember that I was at a low point, because no matter what I did Joe kept going back to his old ways even though he told me that he had found GOD (yeah right!). Things kept happening to him that I am sure GOD created to show him that he need to spend time with me; but instead Joe kept hanging out with his friends. I remember nights just crying myself to sleep, asking GOD to please take me home because I could no longer take this anymore. One night when I was at my deepest despair as I prayed to GOD to take me home. I suddenly fell asleep and the next thing I knew I was in a place surrounded in white light. I looked around and realized that this light was like the light in my bedroom years ago. It was at this point I realized that I knew this place -- I was HOME. I also realized that I no longer had a body - and the feeling of pure JOY was so wonderful because I was able to feel joy without being bound in a body. I can’t explain it in words how this feeling felt! When you are free of the body, feelings are felt in the fullest.

It was at this point I realize that this place was “THE REALITY!¨ I kept saying to myself “they must being showing me this because I am going to die and they did not want me to be afraid!¨ Well, I am still here so I know that wasn’t it! I started to look around and saw beings of different colors huddled in a group talking amongst themselves. They were nether male or female. One of them I remember was a soft olive green color and this being was holding a staff. I thought to myself that these being don’t have eyes, ears, mouths or hands and they are conversing; how can this be. I decided to see what color I was so I stretched a part of me out and saw that I was a very vibrant plasmic hot pink. I remember laughing because this was a color I would not be comfortable wearing here on Earth. The next thing I knew I was being pulled into the light and gosh what an utterly wonderful experience. This light went into me and bathed me in PURE PURE PURE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. I became part of it and it showed me that we needed to look not with our eyes but with our hearts. We need to love selflessly and to do it often. To be compassionate and understanding and to look beyond what we see, to see with our hearts. We are all connected! We know each other. When we do good for one, we do good for all of us. When we do bad against one, we do bad against all of us. We (All things) are all of this LOVING light.

It was so beautiful and wonderful; I did not want to leave. I felt myself being pulled toward the group of beings that I saw earlier. I was being pulled into an area that was like an opening of some kind! When I was above the opening, I was scared that I was going to fall down through it. I was just floating there when I saw another being rushing up toward me. I was being pulled toward this being that was the color of royal purple. I heard a name of this being (“Steve¨) and I heard the olive green being say to me telepathically, “This is the one you will be with next!¨ I thought to myself “you want me to be with my ex-brother-in-law! That was the only “Steve¨ that I knew at that time. As this being drew closer, I realized that this was a different person. When we embraced, it was so wonderful. It felt like 10 billion fireworks of love energy exploding all around and in me. Pure ecstasy. It was Love unbounded. That is the best way that I can describe it. Nothing that we can experience on earth even comes close to this feeling. I did not want to let go of this being. (When I get back “home,¨ I can’t wait to embrace everyone).

The next thing I knew I was in long hall where one end went on forever. I saw a throne and a being sitting on it. I could not look up to see its face because I knew not to. I was bouncing all over the place because I knew that I was in the presence of GOD. I kept saying to myself “OH MY GOD, ITS GOD!¨ over and over again. As I started to calm down, I heard the voice of GOD. I can’t describe it other than that it was alive. I knew that God could end everything on Earth with just one word. This voice was powerful and you knew it. I was so humbled I felt so small, so insignificant, yet so loved. This voice came from up above me! It was like God showed me a body on a throne so that I would have something to grasp as all this was happening. He asked me how I thought things were going with Joe and I said he was doing good (yeah right). God then said “Tell me how he is really doing!¨ Like I could fool God so I told him that things were not good at all. God then asked me what I think would would happen if God took me away from him. At this point, I am thinking that God intends to have me come “Home,¨ and I said that if I was to die Joe would lose it completely. God then said “Well I think I know my son better than that!¨ He went on to say that what was important was that Joe needed to have him in heart 100 percent and that he will have to take things over. He asked me if that would be OK. I agreed. God then asked me “what do you want?¨ I couldn’t believe it! Here I have been given the greatest gift off all to know of heaven and to understand that we don’t die, and God wants to know what I want. All I could think of was that I wanted to have my kids here also.

Once I told him this, the next thing I know awoke with a sudden start in bed. I wanted to run and yell to everyone that I had gone to heaven and WE DON’T DIE. Reality sunk in that if I did this everyone would think I was crazy. I have to tell you that I was on cloud 9 for months and I had the biggest smile on my face. I knew. I eventually told my three kids, I have told parts of my story to a few people, but never the whole story for fear that other would think that I was crazy. Being in the light has changed me in that I have become even more compassionate, understanding and loving then I was before this happened. I have not become a religious person, but I have become very spiritual one. I have begun discovering the Buddhist philosophy. Being joined with another soul showed me to believe in LOVE again for you see I had lost all hope that we can love each other. This experience showed me that there are others out there that have a deep capacity to love. I just need to find them, and now I know how to look for them “with my heart”!!!

The relationship with Joe ended, and I saw events unfold that showed me where I needed to be next. I got laid off and I got a job opportunity to work in Kentucky. I knew that I had to come here. What I didn’t know was that I had a cousin here. I saw how God had arranged me to move down here and he made sure that I had a relative here to help me. I told my cousin when I got down here that I knew that I was going to meet someone here and that someone was Steve.

I had another spiritual experience two or three weeks before I meet Steve. I knew I was back in heaven but in a place surrounded in snowcapped mountains like in Switzerland. I remember playing in the snow with a man in his mid to late twenties. I was not able to see what he looked like, but I knew his age range and that he loved Switzerland. When I awoke, I was again on cloud 9 for days. A few weeks later I then received an email from a man named Steve. He told me his age, which was 28, and as we conversed, I learned that he loved Switzerland. Anyway as our friendship developed I asked him this question “If our souls were different colors what color would mine be?¨ He answered “That’s easy Hot Pink!¨ I have not shared these experiences with him so he didn’t have a clue, yet he knew. How amazing how this whole thing works. Steve and I will always be friends even though we don’t see each much since he moved to a different state. I kept seeing a word in my head “Maytra,¨ and when I asked him what this word meant he said that it was Sanskrit and that it meant “Male Friend.¨ I am assuming that God wants me to be his friend, and I will surely be this for him as long as he needs me, and that he does know. Being friends with Steve has taught me how to love for love sakes, unconditionally, without judgments, without attachments.

Well that’s all - oh yeah, since I saw the light of GOD in my bedroom, I haven’t aged like most people! I age more slowly, more gracefully. It is so cool to look at people and to know that we are so much more than the sum of our parts, and that we know each other, and we are here to learn to love ourselves and one another on our human journey.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By reviewer on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 10:36 am:

I am not entirely certain how to put it into words, or, that is even in fact a "near death" experience actually, since I was not dying, injured or sick.

I had decided while laying on my bed one night that there was no purpose to my life. I am not sure how to describe that feeling, because I don't really think it was derived from any real despair. More of a decision based on fact. Almost more of a conclusion than despondency. I wasn't drifting of to sleep, rather I had been reading a bit, and just lay there on bed. And, as a person does, had been lost in thoughts that brought me to this conclusion. A review, of sorts, of my personal relationships, my success (or lack thereof) in my professional life, as well as my personal. I wanted sorely to be an artist, a musician, a writer, so many many things, none of which ever came to fruition in my life. I had failed to grab my life by the proverbial horns and take charge. And, at that time, felt the opportunities to do so were not only long gone, but no longer exist ahead of me in life as second chances either.

The bizarre thought entered my head that if there was such a thing as re-incarnation, well, this life was without much hope to gain karmic ground, so I may as well give this one up and start another. Let go. Not a desire to die, mind you, not at all. More of an acceptance. There was nothing more to do. Let go of the attachments. Let it happen. Don't hold on so tightly to something gone so wrong. It's okay, just let go.

And then the strangest thing I have EVER experienced.

It was as though, well, my legs were falling through themselves. I was aware of the position in which my legs were, and yet, it felt as though my legs were slowly moving down as to put me in an upright position. As though I were in space, in a vacuum without gravity, and slowly rotating on axis from a horizontal to a vertical position. Which, in itself was an odd enough sensation, but stranger still was the way my body FELT. You know the feeling you get when a part of your body falls asleep? Like you have been sitting on your foot too long and it begins to tingle. Now imagine that tingle was more of a vibration, but warm, alive with energy. As though some small current were running through your body. But instead of being a damaging electrical current, it was in fact some kind of nourishing wave of love manifested. Insane, I know. But that's what it FELT like.

And the world sort of disappeared. At first, it was like being in the densest fog imaginable. It was dark, but not black. But at no point was I scared or apprehensive. Quite the opposite. I spent what seemed like an eternal moment, feeling the sensation of well, being me, but not really me. Not in the sense I had spent 27 years learning to know. Again, I have no words to accurately describe it, but it was like I existed everywhere, within everything. Like my molecules spanned the entirety of existence, but in one place they became more dense. They accumulated in higher concentration, and I existed in this spot separately as well. Visually I'd liken it to an accretion disk of a newly forming planet. Small matter spread all over, but coming together in a centralized spot. The "planet to be” can be said to exist in all those particles as well as the center of the accretion disk, both separately but the same. Star would be more appropriate though, as the energy in the dense spot seems more noticeable. Anyways, like I said, I don't know how to describe it.

But the feeling was incredible. I can only say that it was like being unbound. The closest approximation that I had ever experienced before is that incredible sensation you have when you stretch in the morning. That release. That unwinding feeling. Like being freed from the forces that so minutely but ever so constantly drag you down. Being unbound. Freed. What astronauts must feel upon first entry into microgravity.

And then, the fog turned lighter. And lighter. And brighter. Which, it actually took me a few seconds to realize, was odd because I didn't squint. By day I am hypersensitive to light. But, this was in no way uncomfortable.

And, I experienced something I guess is similar to what I have heard explained as a life review. But not as I have ever heard described to me. Everything I had ever hear about such a thing was that is was like watching your life in fast forward or something. Well, this wasn't really like that. It was like remembering an event, not only as myself, but as all people involved. All the emotions and reactions. Mine, and theirs.

And it was by no means a comprehensive look at my life. But it was interesting in that it included several instances in my life I had never thought twice about. And far fewer of the negative experiences than I would have guessed. In fact, I would say most were experiences which I had given very little if any thought, but which seemed to greatly affect someone else's life positively.

And then, and admittedly this is even stranger (and probably why I have never spoken about it with anyone) I had a kind of conversation, I guess. Not in any conventional sense. And with whom, I am not entirely certain. But it happened nonetheless. It was bizarre, because my recollection of it, is well, hopelessly and incredibly strange. It was like there was my "voice" (though I don't really think I was speaking), and the other "voice” seemed to be at once my voice, and that of every other voice in existence. It wasn't at all overpowering or too much sensory input. Actually it was only afterwards that I even really noticed or reflected upon how bizarre it was. And it wasn't like "hearing” a conversation. Which is to say that in normal daily life, to have a conversation with someone is to hear ones own voice in that delicate balance of inside and out, and to hear the other persons voice definitely outside the body, and being able to distinguish the others location. But this, this was completely different. It was like both voices really had no location. I was certainly aware of my side of the conversation (and it still feels weird to call it that), but it was like the other participant had that same delicate balance of in and out side of my body. Only, it wasn't a body. Now, the conversation itself I am not really going to talk about, I believe that was meant for me and of no real value here. But what that conversation gave to me is something I hope I never forget, and to this day continues to change who I am and how I perceive the world.

Suffice it to say, I was given a choice. Asked in the most meaningful way, what I really wanted. And I don't know if it was the experience itself, the way it was asked, or some other unknown mechanism, but I had the chance to really understand the question, and the impact of the answer I would give. In one instant, I realized all the things I wanted to experience, and not menial things either. The true experiences of life. The affirmations of life. What it is to be here. To be human. To be alive (which is very much different from existing). I saw the woman I most loved and adored. Realized how I yearned to experience that love. To move through life with her. To experience everything I could with her. I instantly knew how and why I wanted to impact the world. What part I wanted to play in giving to the world. Making my contribution. Leaving my mark. And the true motivations behind them. How I could. And why only I could in the way I could. Why those things are unique to me. And not for any of the reasons I might have guessed. I realized that within me there are reasons, and emotions, and motivations I had never before given myself credit for. And I was "told" something else, too. Something that I believe was a direct answer to a question I had, but was designed to answer so many more questions than I could have asked. Would have thought to ask. A biggie. But not an answer I can just give to any one else who has the same question, but an answer each person has to give themselves I guess. As if someone were to ask me what color the sky is, and I answered assuredly and resoundingly "blue", they would just look at me like I am nuts. As though they have to "see" the blue for themselves.

I know, I know. This all sounds so hokey, and so incredibly "metaphysical" mumbo jumbo feel good crap- like. But, if it was, than I guess it was what I needed. Because it has changed so much. It's changed everything, I guess.

But, the strangest part was also the last part.

When I had decided I wanted to return, well, the return itself was both startling and insightful. As I, for lack of better term, re-entered my body, I came to the total realization that it is actually very uncomfortable to "live" in a body. A side effect of experiencing this kind of life. I immediately experience a kind of ache. As though my I was being encased in a shell that was just the tiniest amount too small. Not painful, but, definitely noticeable. And definitely caused a kind of ache. But, immediately after feeling the "ache" and letting go of the shock that came with it, came the realization that it is just an acceptable, albeit uncomfortable, part of this existence. And it tells you in an odd sort of way, that all the aches and pains in life truly are nothing compared to what great and unimaginable joy and warmth you can draw from life. That those aches and pains are a small price to pay.

That it is, in the end, all worth it. The aches and pains fade away, but the joy and happiness and love you will always feel. But, you have to let it happen, without fear. And to really enjoy it, you have to know why you want it, why you put yourself here. Like trusting in that you decided you wanted this life, even if you can't remember why, but trust that you did, and find out why all over again. As if that's half of the joy. In finding out. The experience.

And ever since that day. Well, so many things are different. I still have to work on consciously remember certain things, but, it's almost like having a different life. Before, mostly in my youth, I had experienced a kind of despair from time to time. But I was always aware on some level that I wasn't happy with my life. Ever since that day, well, I have never felt that way again. And that one small change seems to have changed everything else. I was forced to consciously decide if I wanted this life, and when I decided I do, well, there is nothing to feel bad about I guess. I don't really know how to explain that either. Maybe just that before that day I thought I was put here without my input, so I was maybe resentful. Now, I want to be here, and that makes all the difference in the world.

So, that is an abbreviated version of my experience. I apologize if it does not fall within the parameters of what you are looking for, but, well, I had to choose between letting go and coming back, so I thought it may apply.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, November 28, 2003 - 10:22 am:

I was at dental surgeon's office for a fairly simple procedure. The procedure required that I be put to sleep using, what I seem to recall as, sodium pentothal. The last conscious thing I remember was counting as I went under. Suddenly, I found myself hovering above myself and the doctor. I clearly recall watching every thing he did As I was in the chair.

The strange part was that all I could do was laugh hysterically at what I was watching. It seemed as though the entire procedure, from my strange vantage point, was ridiculous. I felt no attachment to myself or anything else on a worldly level.

When I awoke and told the doctor what I had experienced, he was incredulous, at the least.

Please note that this experience occurred some thirty years ago, yet it has never, nor will probably ever, leave my memory.

I have told this story to many people. Some say "WOW" others respond as the doctor did.

I only discovered your organization this morning through an article on the "Raiders News" site. I am hoping you may be able to shed some light on what has been a long time mystery to me. This is especially true since I have never read about anything of the sort except when connected to a "near death" experience

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, November 22, 2003 - 05:48 pm:

This is not a NDE or an OBE but I would rather say mystical experiences. It took me a long time to decide if I am going to share this, but after drawing the lot and hearing the song “God’s own fool” from Michael Card, I decided to write to you.

Well it started when I was 9-10 years old. One night I decided to accept God and Jesus as true. A love and pace feeling came over me which I can only describe as the same as what people experience during NDE. I remember lifting my arms up to God. The next one was when I was 17. At that time I was preaching Christianity at school. I was sleeping and had a dream. I saw myself lying in bed and then became aware of an entity coming from the left through the wall. A great fear and panic fall over me and the entity went away. I told my self in my dream that the next time it comes I should not be afraid but just ask for the help of Jesus. So it came again from the left through the wall and I wanted to say “In the name of Jesus go away” but I could not speak. So still in my dream I decided that I should just try and say “Jesus” but I could not speak. So I put all my will power and concentration just to say Jesus. It is then that I woke up and said “Jesus” aloud. I fell asleep again immediately only to remember the dream the next morning.

The next one was when I was 21. I have been living a worldly life when one night I felt the love and forgiveness of God again. Few months later I felt a calling from God to do his work and made big changes in my life. The next one was when I was 24. I was having a dream for a while when I dreamt that a lion jumped on me. I then woke up. I saw a man standing at the foot end of my bed. It was not a physical man but just the outline of one. I knew he was the one that woke me up by jumping on me or something like that. He was very surprised that I woke up and that I am able to see him. He then left. It took me some time to get my wits about me back. I jumped out of bed and checked the whole house but there was no one awake and no burglar. I also asked my family the next morning if anybody was walking around last night and nobody did.

Two years ago I was with my girlfriend at her home. We had taken some ecstasy. We were doing some breathing exercise together. At some point I felt what I can only describe as arrows shooting from my spine up and out of my head. I could not feel my body and it felt as if I was lifting up. I only later learned about kundalini effect. After this we where sitting and having a casual conversation when I saw, with my physical eyes three screens, TV screens with out any border, coming towards me and slamming into my forehead. There were some pictures on the screens but I could not make out any of it. The only information that came to me was that I am one of the witnesses in Revelation 11.

At this point in my life I have not heard of NDE experiences. I have also later read about all the people who claim that they are one of the witnesses or the reincarnation of Elijah. Now I will be the first one to say that I might be wrong. I am just a normal human with all my mistakes. Neither do I have to power to do miracles nor do I want to kill anybody or bring about pests. As you can understand I seriously started to question my own sanity. A friend of mind also had a powerful dream about me. A few months later I was deeply distressed about this and crying to God and Jesus. When in my mind’s eye I saw Jesus and he said “Just relax and take it easy”. The first vision made a big change in my life and I started to read any books I could find about mystical, occult and religion. It was then that I discovered NDE stories. I then read on the www.near-death.com website that Jesus is supposedly born in 1998. This caused me some distress because of my Christian upbringing. I thought that Jesus will come on the clouds again. So I asked Jesus where he is. I felt his powerful love and the information I got was not in my mind’s eye but rather feelings with information in it. Jesus was holding the earth in his arms and loving it and there were lots of angels. I was singing with them and they said that they did not like the killing in Iraq. At this moment I think that the second coming of Christ means that the Christ within us will awake.

In the beginning of this year my brother was in a motorcycle accident and was in a coma for 3 days. I was praying to God when I felt his/her love and I saw in my mind’s eye light shining down on me from a source high above and there were angels all around this beam of light. All of them where loving me for who I am. It was a very powerful experience.

A few weeks ago I had an experience where I embraced darkness and only found light within. But I will leave that story for another day.

I will also be the first to say the all these experiences is a fabrication of my subconscious but I can not deny the Love even if I tried.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, November 16, 2003 - 11:12 am:

I was very ill leading up to the birth of my daughter and the doctors thought that I would only have a slim chance of survival. During the caesarean, I died and left my body. I was met by a deceased person (his name is Ali), who is related to someone very close to me. Everything around me was white and I felt as though I was amongst the clouds. Ali held my hand and we sat down on a cloud. I was not afraid and felt very safe and loved. Then he told me that it was not my time and that I had to return to my body. He told me to go and hold my baby.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, November 12, 2003 - 11:51 am:

When I was six I went to water park in Florida. Trying to prove my courage, I jumped off the 50 ft high dive. When I hit the water it took a second to orient myself. I started to swim towards what I thought was the top, but realized the pressure was increasing not decreasing. I realized I was seeing the reflection of the top on the bottom of the pool. I remember my lungs hurting as I tried to swim up. I faded into darkness.

The place I went to was completely dark and empty. I knew I was completely alone and started to panic, wondering if I would be left there all alone forever. It was a loneliness beyond description. I slowly started to hear whispering and eventually they became voices and I started to see distorted images which slowly became people. I never realized till afterward I was back at the poolside. I watched the people as they seemed to crowd around something, curious as all children I went to look at the cause of the crowd. I moved through the people until I saw a man kneeled over a small body and watched as he performed CPR. He moved and I saw the small body lying there was me. A moment later I felt myself pulled down a tunnel I could only describe as a kaleidoscope of rainbow colors swirling around me as I fell. A minute later I was coughing up water and gasping for air.

I believe the place I went to was before creation, even before light, and that the loneliness I felt was not only mine but God's as well. I know that God created us, like his angels, for companionship and fellowship, much the way that we desire children to share our lives and love.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 09:56 pm:

This is not a NDE but what I experienced was something phenomenal.

I was about 15 years old. I had a dentist appointment. I have an abnormal phobia/fear of needles. I got all worked up, scared like crazy, and extremely nervous thinking about the fact that the dentist was going to give me a needle. I was so nervous that I had my younger brother come with me for moral support. As it happens, I didn't need any freezing and I had a perfect check-up. Well, I was immensely relieved to say the least. We left the office and we were waiting for the elevator to go to the ground floor, when I got very dizzy, hit my head on the outside of the elevator door, and fainted.

While I was briefly out, I experienced something so wonderful that words cannot describe it. I believe I was in a "place" that was beautifully green, lots of grass, and meadows as far as the eye could see. There weren't any flowers, birds, animals or other people. It was just me, sort of "hovering" above this beautiful grass meadow. I didn't have a body. It was just my spirit.

I had an extreme sense of peace, nothing like we have on earth. I cannot compare it to anything in my mind. I felt totally peaceful, and light, and I knew that I didn't want to come back! There are really no words to explain how this utopia felt. It was beyond anything "peaceful" that we know in this life. Then after a very short time, I came to and I was fine except for a little headache from the knock on my head.

Even though it's been 30 years, I remember the images and the feelings as though it happened yesterday. If this is where we go when we pass over, then I can hardly wait!!

I've always been very spiritual. I believe I see spirits, they talk to me, and very strange things happen to me that are not logically explainable. I am trying to connect with the other side, by reading "how to" books. I am trying to develop my "psychic" abilities as much as possible. I've heard that artistic people are more intuitive. I've always been an artist all my life and I knew at the age of 5 that I was interested in art. Art is my life.

I would love to know what you think about this experience and I look forward to hearing from you. I have many other experiences, if you're interested in knowing about them. However this was the only time I had "traveled" to another realm. (I used to have my spirit lift slightly out of my body but I was too scared and I can't do it anymore.)

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 09:53 pm:

My first experience was during delivery of twin girls at the age of 18. Something very unusual was going on with the doctors and nurses because they had me strapped down and a nurse threw her body across my stomach to push the babies out. The pain was so intense I wanted to kill her but couldn't move. I heard the baby cry but they quickly took it away. That same woman threw her body across me again and the next baby came. I heard her cry and they rushed her out of the delivery room. I never got to see them. I was bleeding a lot. The doctors all left the room and left me with just one nurse. She was cleaning up. I felt faint. I told her that and she ran out yelling for the doctors to come back. Next I remember them being there and taking my pulse and there was none, no respiration. I was watching the doctors working on me, giving me epinephrine and trying their best to bring me back. I could hear them all talking. I felt more peaceful than I had ever felt in my life. It was OK not to breathe. I could talk to them telepathically. Shortly thereafter the medication took hold and I started coming back into my body. I began feeling all the pain again and the torment. But I’ll never forget the peace I felt. There was no pain. Everything was fine.

I never got to see my little girls. A short time later a doctor who I had never seen before came in and told me they had both died and they were giving them to science to relieve me burial costs. I was young and weak and in shock. I was so saddened that they would never let me see them. Not even once. I was too weak to try to walk and could not fight them and was all alone. I'll never really know the real story.

No more room for story 2. It was completely different and cause physically changes. I looked 15 years younger.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 09:44 pm:

I miscarried. I became very ill and was rushed to the hospital after a flood of blood while sitting on the toilet. I was 19 or 20. I don't remember much after that except waking up in a hospital room with the sensation of my legs leaving my legs, like my SPIRIT legs were leaving my legs and the sensation traveled up my body until I was floating above myself over the bed. It felt SOOOOOOOOOOO good. The most amazing feeling. I don't know if it was LOVE or what, but it just felt wonderful to float like that. I remember smiling and saying that to myself... then I felt like I was floating slowly towards the window. It was winter in Illinois (where I grew up) and when I turned my head I could see outside the hospital parking lot, it was night and someone was parking their car, but it was too bright outside for just the one street light that I saw, so I looked upwards or outwards (I can't remember which) and saw a bright light like the sun in the distance, and I felt I was picking up speed towards this light but it wasn't warm on my skin like the sun, just there... it was then that I noticed I was half out the window and half in the window and that I did not feel the cold of outside or the warmth of this "SUN or LIGHT"... I felt NO BODILY sensation at all, just in my mind yet I still had a body or felt like I had one... Then I looked back and saw myself still lying in the bed... and realized this couldn't be happening. It was then that I panicked and started clawing my way back to my body, begging, saying over and over... "NOT YET... NOT YET..." Then all of a sudden I sat up in my body and felt my legs going back into my legs... my heart was racing and yet no nurses came into my room. I don't know if the monitors requested anything as I was hooked up to all types of monitors in a room by myself. The next morning the doctor told me I almost died and I said to myself, "I Know already."....

Over the years, as I came into contact with more and more people who use others, lie to others until now I have become somewhat of a recluse due to not wanting these types of people in my life. I am DEEPLY religious yet I no longer go to any church. However, I have a wide list of e-mail friends whom I send out "WORDS OF WISDOM" based on God's word weekly. It is very gratifying to me when others e-mail back to say how I've helped them, encouraged them, etc. I won't say this is my "CALLING"... but I began to withdraw from people since that time and with each hurt from others, I'd withdraw more. I guess most of the things I talk about in my e-mails are about how woman and men in life use one another and how it causes more harm than good ... from a spiritual point of view... I believe this experience may have been to cause me to see the TRUTH of what is important in life and usury of one another is not it, nor wealth, nor the pursuit of it. I felt so strongly about this that even Corporate America disgusted me so badly that I remained unemployed for 2 years to create a job were I could stay at home and work... at-home Medical Transcriptionist.

I also believe that this experience has expanded my mind in that I see things a lot clearer than a lot of people I know. I've had people in On-Line Boards ask if I have a PhD, but I have only a few hours of college.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 05:03 pm:

Well, I don't really know where to start, what I remember is choppy and disjointed. I don't really remember how I got there or what started it. It seemed to happen very suddenly, because suddenly I was running through this very very dark forest, and I could hear and occasionally see several large black dogs with extremely large teeth and salivating... I was running and running through this forest, extremely terrified talking under my breath and saying things like I'm sorry ...I'm sorry god, I am soo sorry... I felt like I was being hunted and that they were going to form a circle around me and eat me. Before this could happen, I came to this cliff it was kind of pointed out over a chasm (this is gonna sound corny, but think of Pride Rock in The Lion King...) and at the tip of this cliff, I fell down and I was desperate the dogs were advancing on me I could see them they were getting closer, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, OH GOD HELP ME I AM SO SORRY!! And then I fell off the cliff...It seemed like I fell for 3 or 4 days...

There were other things that happened, I saw my husband and I get married. (I got married in 1998). I was in a room with skeletons hanging from the ceiling but I am unsure whether these things happened before or after my experience in the forest. I would really like to be hypnotized or something so that I can remember everything.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 05:02 pm:

Apparently whilst giving birth to my Son there were complications and I was anaesthetized. As I described it to my Doctor at the time... "I remember just suddenly sort of floating up in the corner of the room and that there was a very bright light. I only remember that I was there, but not in my body! I was looking down at myself and saw the Matron literally lifting my ex-husband (slipped her arms under his armpits and heaved him bodily; she was a large woman, my husband was over 6 foot), out of the room. He was asking what's happening, and that he'll just sit in the corner out of the way, the Matron said no, you must leave.

Then I noticed that there was a 'stranger' working on me along with my Doctor, I didn't know who he was, or where he had come from, or for that matter, when he had entered the room? It seemed to me then and also now that I didn't perceive 'time' the way one does normally.

This 'stranger' had a bald spot on the crown of his head and wore black, squarish glasses! I do remember thinking who is he? What's he doing? Where did he come from? Is my baby all right? Whilst all this was going through my mind I have to admit that I wasn't scared at all, just a little confused and also, what I am still a little perplexed about, I was extremely calm and nonplussed by everything that was going on below me?? Then I suddenly heard a voice saying it's not my time, I'm needed, and to go back, that everything will be fine. I remember agreeing, wanting to be there for my Son.

When I finally 'woke up' on the Ward, some 2-3 hours later, I started yelling for the Matron saying that I wanted to see my Son! She finally came in, then she asked me how I knew that I had had a boy? I said that I had seen him whilst she was cleaning him after his birth. She gave me the strangest look and walked out!

Later when my Doctor came to see me, I asked him who the 'stranger' was that was with him whilst I was 'out to it'? He asked how I knew about him, had the Matron told me about him, I said no, that I had seen him leaning over the top of me (whilst I was laying on the table/bed). I then described him (as above) and also that he was much shorter than him (my Doctor being taller that is). He was quite stunned that I knew so many details about this 'stranger' who turned out to be a 'Specialist' that he (my Doctor), had had flown in by Helicopter (whilst I was 'knocked out'), as this happened in a small town and there wasn't too many Doctors available at this Hospital. I have never met this other Doctor either before this all happened nor after. My Doctor believed me, cause as he said, how could I have seen the 'bald spot' on the 'top' of this other Doctor's head?? He did tell me NOT TO TELL ANYONE OR THEY'D PROBABLY LOCK ME AWAY!! He reiterated that he believed me and found it fascinating but not to speak about it to anyone else!

Apart from this letter, I've only told 3 people about this occurrence. One was my younger Sister... she had rung me late one evening, not long after giving birth to her first daughter, my Son was about 5years old at the time. She was most distraught, she had had the same experience during childbirth as I had, as in watching from up in the corner of the room etc., and said she didn't understand and hadn't told anyone cause she thought she was going mad. I then explained what happened to me and it seemed to help her a lot. We never discussed it again after that night!

The second person is my current husband, and not so long ago at that either. I also told him how strange it was that I seem to know what is 'Medically' wrong, most of the time, when someone close to me is not well, and after going to the Doctor and getting a diagnosis, I find that I had said that that was the problem I had come up with! I seem to instinctively 'know', and in most cases, I also know what to do, though I always recommend the Doctor??

The third person was someone at work only a few weeks ago, I don't know how it came up... ah yes, she was describing something 'weird' as she put it that had recently happened to her. I found myself just 'blurting' it all out, then I felt like a 'weight' had been lifted from my shoulders. Thank goodness she received it well, we've never discussed it since.

Anyway, when my Son was about 8 months old, I'd gone back to have the last of my stitches out (had quite a few), and my Doctor got called out of the Examination Room whilst we were talking and I realized that I could read my File (that was open in front of me), and I read that I had 'died' for 3 minutes whilst having my Son and that the recommendation was for me not to have anymore children. I haven't!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:57 pm:

I was in the hospital again due to a motorcycle accident I'd had in 1971. I had been hospitalized for about eight months at the time of the experience, in three different hospitals. After having gangrene in my foot for the first four months or so, they had finally stopped the infection and I was having a series of experimental skin/tissue grafting operations done to restore the front half and bottom of my foot. My great toe had been amputated. They had begun what was called a "Petacle-Flap" transfer procedure from my right calf, which was being prepared over a series of days to transplant to my left foot. This entailed making a three-sided rectangular incision through the skin and about 1/2" of tissue on the back of my right calf, while leaving the fourth side connected to allow blood flow to the "flap" until it was ready to transplant. After several days of this "preparation", it was to be sewn onto the bottom of my left foot and I would be casted in a "figure-four" position until it had taken hold and was growing. Then the flap would be severed completely from my right leg and they would cover the hole in my right calf with skin taken from my hip. I awoke in the middle of the night in excruciating pain and discovered my right leg (suspended in a sling) swollen. A huge amount of blood had pooled in the flap (I believe today that it was due to an orderly improperly positioning my leg in the sling and blocking the return flow of venous blood) and when the doctor arrived he dropped the flap and about a quart of black, clotted blood fell onto the sheet.

They rushed me into emergency surgery where I recall "waking up" while I was in surgery. I was suddenly against the ceiling, looking down at everyone wearing green, in the operating room (I don't recall actually seeing myself, but I knew it was me there) and could see everything quite clearly. I remember thinking, "This is sure weird. I don't belong up here". As soon as I thought that, I "woke up" again and was gagging and choking. The anesthesiologist said, "you need to go back to sleep now", and I saw him turn a valve on a tube and I was unconscious again. When I awoke in recovery later, my favorite nurse was there and she said I'd "given them all quite a scare". I asked her why I'd been choking when I woke up and she said it was because of the artificial airway down my throat. I never told anyone about my waking up on the ceiling, and never asked if I'd died on the table. I spent the next week or so receiving anti-coagulants to dissolve the remaining blood clots before they reached my heart, not knowing if I would survive or not. To shorten a long story, I spent about another six weeks in the hospital (I underwent a total of thirteen surgeries in almost ten months) before they let me out "for thirty days to regain strength" so they could begin the petacle-flap procedure again (another series of 6 more operations). I got out and never went back, feeling lucky to be alive.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:54 pm:

This was the first of many experiences and, as such, may have prepared me to be receptive to others. I was drowning in the ocean, experienced an incredibly fast life review complete with full understanding of the reason for each event and how it fit into the larger scheme of social occurrences, and then the experience abruptly ended as I was pulled from the water. As a child, I found this experience interesting and was back swimming in the ocean in about 30 minutes.

I later experienced an OBE while being treated with alpha-wave biofeedback for neck pain. I left my body and was floating with my back against the ceiling looking down at myself. When the therapist entered, I returned to my body and was looking up at him. He wanted me to return, but I was upset that he had not cautioned me that this could happen. He apologized and said that it normally does not occur the first time a client uses alpha-wave. At the time I was 26. I am confident that, given the same alpha-wave feedback device, that the OBE would recur. I looked for a device to try it again, but they were too expensive.

I am fascinated what research will finally show about the origins of these experiences. I lean toward a version of Sagan's theories coupled with neurotransmitter action based on oxygen deprivation or wave stimulation.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:51 pm:

I had a vein stripping on my right leg. It was an outpatient surgery that went fine. The next day I was resting and I got up to comb my hair and go to the bathroom. When I came back to the couch, everything went black and I almost fainted, had chest pains and was very close to passing out. My husband was there and he called the doctor. I had been taking yoga before the procedure and I calmed my self with yoga breathing. I laid on the couch while my husband was on the phone with the doctor. As I lay there, I closed my eyes and I was in a long dark tunnel, but at the end I could see my grandmothers. They were smiling at me and I felt so happy to see them. There were others there too, but I don't remember who they were. I just remember my grandmothers. Then I focused on my husband, who is the light of my life, and I did not want to leave him alone. I remember thinking that dying is okay. I felt very peaceful about it.

I think a lot about almost dying and what my purpose in life is. I've told others who have lost loved ones from PE's that it wasn't so bad and if I had died right then, it would have been okay. It wasn't so painful and it was quick..

I have begun going to ALANON. I love ALANON. It has given me a purpose and the tools to change my life to become a better person. I am more open-minded about everything and try to enjoy life more.

I thank my higher power everyday for my life and am grateful to see the simple things. I often feel like I'm living on borrowed time and sometimes worry that I will have another embolism. The scary thing is that every doctor who sees my X-rays or my charts say that I am very lucky to be alive. I think it's the reactions of health care professionals that scare me. I never told anyone about seeing my grandmothers. I thought they would think that I was crazy and I just didn't feel that anyone else could possibly understand what I had been through. But just now, going back to that moment and there faces gives me such peace.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:49 pm:

Actually, this was my second experience. The first was in 1982 when I was 13. I was involved in a head on car accident and woke up on a backboard in the garage of a gas station. There were fire trucks and paramedics and I wondered what had happened. I started calling for my brother who had been driving. When he came over I saw blood on his shirt and asked what happened. When he told me we had been in an accident I remembered (the accident) and became hysterical. I walked out of the hospital several hours later with two stitches over my eye. A couple of weeks later two police investigators came to interview me and asked what I remembered. The last thing I remembered was looking out my window and seeing a white car, then my brother coming over to my door, prying it open and I was lying on the seat. He picked me up and began to carry me away. That's when I noticed the officer had quit writing and asked who told me those things. When I said I saw them, he said I couldn't have because I was unconscious. That's when I started remembering: I was above watching but I couldn't hear or speak. I felt weightless and peaceful - unimaginable and indescribable. There was no pain, no fear, no worry. Watching it all was more of a matter-of-fact, I felt no relationship to the person I saw in the car. I don't recall leaving or re-entering my body.

In 2001, I was rear-ended and my Explorer rolled (they really do!) and I was ejected between the second and third roll. As I was lying on the side of the road I knew this was it, I was going to die and I had complete peace, even relief about it. I lost consciousness after that and suffered cardiac arrest on the way to the hospital and again in surgery; my heart had stopped for a total of about ten minutes. After surgery I spent a couple of weeks in a coma. 3 months after the accident my sister asked if I'd had an out-of-body experience and I told her no but then I started remembering. I was standing on a mountain top looking over to another mountaintop, both lush green and that was all I could see. I was with celestial beings and they told me things but I don't know what. Like the first experience there was the feeling of weightlessness but this time I wasn't floating. There was the indescribable peacefulness! No emotional or physical pain, no thought (remembrance?) of this world or the people here. I believe the purpose was for revelations, but I don't know what they are which is frustrating. Although, when I came out of the coma I was hooked up to a heart monitor, a respirator, a feeding tube, etc., etc. and I wasn't afraid or even concerned. I was told what all had happened to me: severe internal injuries, heart and lung injuries, a handful of miscellaneous problems and a spinal cord injury. I took a moment and responded, "At least we'll get a good parking spot at Wal-Mart!" I was not surprised! As a matter-of-fact I HAD to tell people what God had done for me, how I should have been dead but I was alive!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:46 pm:

The incident occurred July 4, 1940. My mother would very often talk about the incident as "miraculous" as I was growing up. I never told my parents what I experienced. I grew up in a town near Pittsburgh. That day, my mom and dad told me that something I would enjoy was about to happen that evening, but wouldn't tell me what; it was to be a surprise. The topography of the area is all hills and valleys. It was the local custom that the city put on a fireworks show on July 4. They would set up the fireworks in a valley, or "hollow" as it was locally called, and folks would watch from the hilltops. My folks walked me down to the end of a dead-end alley, ending on a steep drop of several hundred feet into the hollow. I didn't know it, but the fireworks were set up directly below our hill. I can remember my dad sitting on the ground with me standing on his lap, one foot on each thigh and jigging around in anticipation. It was dark now, and without warning came a bright flash and tremendous explosion just slightly above my eye level. It scared the hell put of me. It was immediately followed by more tremendous explosions and I tried to escape and run up the alley, but my dad held me tightly. The next thing I remember was my mother grabbing me and running up the alley.

Then everything went black. The next thing I knew, I was looking down at a little boy lying on a kitchen table, and an old woman bending over me. I recognized the old woman; she was Mrs. S (I later learned the S's were Russians who escaped Stalin). I recognized the clothes the boy had on, the same clothes I had on. Blue denim overalls with a yellow duck sewn on the bib; blue socks, white shoes, and a red and white striped T-shirt under the overalls. Then I noticed my mother crying hysterically, and my dad was standing back silently. The old lady said, "His heart is not working". She said, “I'll try to breathe life into him". Then I somehow turned on my back and began to ascend, I went right through the roof of the kitchen and up above the roof. Although it was night, I could see everything, neighbor's houses, etc. I felt wonderful, light, peaceful. I wanted to keep floating upward forever! That's when I encountered two "beings of Light". There was no form to them, just ovals radiating a soft peaceful white light. The spirit on the left said, "You can't go any farther, you have to go back." I told the spirit "No, I don't want to go back. It's not what it was supposed to be." The spirit, even though speaking in a soft female voice strongly repeated, "No, you have to go back." I again argued that I didn't want to go back. Then the spirit on the right, in an even gentler tone said, " No Joe, you have to go back. There's something you have to do. It's going to be all right, you're in a different place now." That's when I started floating back downward and re-entered my body, opened my eyes, and started to breath again. My mother grabbed me to her, sobbing and crying. I wasn't crying, all I said was "Mommy, am I in a different place now?" She looked at me funny, and finally said, "Yes Joe, we're at Mrs. S's".

I've never told anyone about this for years; except a few years ago I finally told my wife when I judged that she was at a point of spiritual development that she could accept it; she has! This experience and the spiritual insights it has given me caused me much anguish in my life as they conflicted with a lot of the Catholic dogma shoved down my throat during 12 years in Catholic school, but I won't go there. This is the phenomenon I experienced. It has affected my whole life from age 2 on. Following this experience, I went from being a healthy little kid to the opposite. I experienced a very sickly childhood: Scarlet fever, asthma, chronic boils and swollen skin condition that the doctor only diagnosed as "hives" that caused incapacitation of my joints and limbs. Having said that, it turned around (to me, miraculously), in high school and I became a healthy enough person to successfully be accepted for, and graduate from pilot training. But I had a very successful career as a rescue pilot, and believe that was part of what the spirit told me: "There's something you have to do."

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:45 pm:

I was two or three months old only when my heart stopped beating. All went calm, soft and dark and I felt more than fine. I felt at peace. Then suddenly the doctors or staff started giving me a heart massage and it hurt so much. I wanted them to stop. And then I was back and I didn’t feel fine anymore.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By reviewer on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:39 pm:

My experience with "the Other Side" was initiated by an auto accident on the night of January 28th 1982. I was 20 years old. I was following my friend back to his house. It was late and rain was misting down onto my windshield. We had just left my fraternity house after a successful rush party. As we approached a large intersection near campus, my friend Joe pulled his car into one of two left-hand turn lanes. As I approached the intersection, I saw that the light was red for us, and the light for cross traffic was yellow. I thought I would time the light and pulled into the turn lane to the right of Joe’s car. As soon as the light turned green, I entered the intersection rolling about 5 MPH. I did not see the speeding car to the left of me; Joe’s car and the rain on my side window obstructed my view. As soon as I cleared the front end of Joe’s car, I was smashed into by the car running the now red light. The other driver was intoxicated above the legal limit.

The next thing I knew I was gasping for air. My ribs had broken, my diaphragm was ruptured, my left lung collapsed, most of my internal organs were lacerated and bleeding, my head had shattered the drivers side window. I was fading into a state of shock. The last thing I remembered was grabbing the paramedic working on me by the front of his coat. I said in a gasping whisper, "Help me, I can't breath."

There was something wrong I remember telling myself, for a moment I couldn't realize what it was that seemed wrong. Then it hit me: “I just died, I just died,” I said to myself. “Oh no I just died!” I had a feeling of despair, but that feeling of despair lasted only a brief moment. The feeling of despair was replaced with a feeling of knowing that my death was exactly what should be happening right then. I thought to myself, "I am supposed to be dead right this very instant." And as I said that to myself I felt as if I was looking down to my left, in my minds eye that is, I had no tangible body that I could see. I was looking down to the left at what I would call a representation of Earthly life. Not exactly a vision of the Earth from space, but a very similar kind of vantage point. I acknowledged this view for a moment, then turned my gaze up and to the right.

As I was gazing up and to the right, my orientation felt like I was now facing forward, going up and forward. I remember feeling happy and comforted by the thought of going this way. On the way up and forward I began to see little movie clips appear in front of my gaze. The little clips were scenes I had forgotten about from childhood, like me and brother Dale in the backyard talking and laughing. These clips went very quickly, and they made me feel happy. The next sensation I had was leveling off from my up and forward movement. I felt a presence next to me now, I could not see anyone but somehow I knew someone was there. I felt as if I was now standing at an entrance to a dark room.

The room that I was looking into was black and dark, yet I could make out subtle distinct shapes in the middle of the room. I could still feel the presence of someone next to me, almost as if they were mentally telling me where to look next. I found myself compelled by this guide to look at the figures that were now becoming more clearly seen in the middle of the room. I could now see that they looked like a choir of black robed beings, seated on tiers like a choir stands on when they perform. These beings were not looking back at me, instead they seemed to all be looking the other way. Just as I thought to myself " I wonder who they are?" They all turned toward me at the same time, a powerful light beamed out from where their eyes and mouth would be. They had no faces, just bright beaming light streaming at me, through me, into me. At that very instance I felt a powerful exchange take place between me and the beings of light. I felt as if all the answers to all the questions I had ever had wanted answered, were answered simultaneously. It wasn't like I knew any one specific answer, more like I just knew everything there was to know, ever. I also had the feeling that as I received this knowledge from the beings of light, I in turn gave to them all the unique experiences that I had accumulated from my time alive on earth. They gave me what they had, and I gave them what I had to contribute. It was very pleasing to do this exchange. I felt completely free and content.

After the exchange with the beings of light, I felt myself float up and over the room. I now felt like I was warm and very loved and very happy to be there. I felt my sense of self begin to expand, like I was dissolving into the warmth of this reality, becoming a piece of a very wonderful whole. I wanted for nothing, except to feel like this forever. And just as soon as I felt like this, I found myself back at the entrance to the room of the beings of light.

Something felt wrong; I wondered what had happened. I felt a presence of my former guide meeting another entity in front of the beings of lights choir stand. They seemed to be having a disagreement about something; I had hoped that it was not about my being here. I couldn't tell exactly what the problem was but I sensed there was a very serious one. I had the sense that I was being brought back to life back on the earthly plane, and that this entity talking to my guide was not happy about this turn of events. I was beginning to get a bad feeling about the whole scene taking place in front of me. I was indeed being brought back to life on the earthly plane, and I was to leave this wonderful place. I felt that this entity was not happy at all with the doctors who were saving my life, and neither was I. I wanted to stay, but I knew I would be going back. And back I went. The next thing I am aware of is the beeping of my heart monitor, awakening out of a three-day coma in my hospital bed. I'm back and I begin to feel some pains inside my guts, I cannot move, I cannot speak, all I can do is think about how beautiful it was to be on the other side of this life.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, November 11, 2003 - 04:35 pm:

I was having a hysterectomy. I was Mormon at the time. My 10 y/o son, Troy, called me and told me that he had dreamed for 7 nights in a row that I was going to die. He begged me to call the Elders for a "healing blessings", which I did. On the second incision, I went into cardiac arrest and was technically "dead" for 5 min. 52 sec. I was suddenly above the operating theatre <teaching> screaming, "Don't do it!! Don't bring me back, please!!"

Allow me to divert for a moment: I was born a "totally awake" psychic. I saw and spoke with supposedly "dead people", including the being known as Jesus, all of my life. I meditated regularly, and prayed regularly. I was accustomed to being out of my body frequently while doing this. I think this is why there was no "tunnel/white light" in my experience. I was already familiar with and comfortable on the "other side".

Suddenly I was in a round Greek style temple that was not roofed. Jesus was before me and I was aware that there were 70 other people there to work with me. There was a mist that hid their faces from me, though I could see Jesus quite clearly. I was aware that each of them was working with me in my soul's growth and various karmic matters I had elected to work on during this body's sojourn.

Jesus informed me that I had completed the work I had come in to do, and had "channeled" the 3 souls who would affect the future <my>. I could now stay with these beings, or I could take on another assignment and return to the earth plane.

I don't usually make hasty decisions, and "he" knew that. I told him that was ridiculous. I would need time to consider the pros and cons of both scenarios, and that earthly body wasn't going to last for long. He laughed, snapped his fingers and my 3 children were standing before. I instantly knew that I had the "keys" that would unlock their memories when it was time for them to awaken, but that their father did not. If I opted to stay, they would have to come into the body again in another life to fulfill their destinies.

I look at Jesus and said, "That's really unfair!! You know I can't leave them to come back again. This is emotional blackmail!" At which he cocked and eyebrow at me and laughed again. Then he responded, "But you do want them to succeed this time, don't you?" I replied, "Yes, you know I do. But I have a condition. If I go back, I want to be allowed to heal people. Not just their bodies, but their souls too. I want to awaken them to their soul's potential and Truth." Jesus smiled and answered, "As you desire, so shall it be."

I awakened to my anesthesiologist cursing up a storm. He told me that I scared him to death and that I had been technically dead. They were leaving the operating room when my heart started again. I had been in coma for two days and was in ICU. I didn't remember the experience immediately. That came over the next six months in bits and pieces. My healing from the surgery was unprecedented. The next day I was up doing ballet bar exercises with a chair. The next day I was having wheelchair races with the interns. My doctor discharged me at that point. He had never had anyone heal as quickly as I had.

I had always been an extremely hyper person. It was impossible for me to be still. My behavior could have been diagnosed as ADDHD, though it wasn't that. I was highly impatient and excitable. After this experience, I would sit calmly for hours doing needlework. I was patient with everyone, and attentive. I would be quiet for hours, which was just the opposite of my behavior prior to this experience. After my mother watched me do this for a month, she looked at me one day and said, "You look like my daughter. You even sound like my daughter, but you are *not* my daughter. I don't know who you are, but you are not my daughter." She meant it too. She didn't recognize me; didn't know how to relate to me. Our relationship changed drastically and we were more distanced with each other after this. She never changed her mind that I wasn't "her daughter".

Over the next 3 years I finished my theology training and was ordained; lived and worked as a "live-in therapist" at a teenaged drug rehab environment <they>, had an overwhelming epiphany which opened my eyes to who and what I truly am; changed my name, divorced my husband, stumbled through discovering who I really was and that I didn't have to accept the judgments of other people about myself. I went through intensive therapy and had a near death motorcycle accident. Met and married my husband, and during his bout with cancer, prior to his death, discovered that I could heal people with my voice as well as my hands.

At this point, I stopped being a victim and became an empowered human being. I took charge of my life, made adjustments as I discovered new things about myself, changed my parenting modality, stopped dating for quite a while, opened a healing clinic and taught health care professionals how to do auric healing, laying on of hands, psychic diagnosis, and auric surgery. I had a direction, a purpose, and an identity. I have never wavered from that.

My chalice is always 3/4's full. I can find my joy in any situation. Like others, I am very accepting and strive not to be judgmental, though I failed more than I would like. I see and speak with dragons and faeries, communicate with flowers, herbs, vegetables, birds, and animals. I am less and less social as I age. I prefer the company of animals to humans in most instances. All of these things led me into "women's studies", then paganism, then witchcraft. Witches are the "Medicine People" of the Pagans. I'm very good at what I do.

One of my youngest grandsons told me this spring, "Grandma, you are the most patient human being I have ever met! I would never put up with what you do, but you always know how it will come out." My grandchildren are in awe of me. My children are still not sure how to take me. That is to be expected.

Now I teach the craft of the wise, healing, self love, etc. I have been named one of the leaders in American paganism because of my ability and my clear-sightedness. I keep as low a profile as possible for one who is internationally known through the internet. I believe there are no "accidents". All things happen in right order and right time. I am a catalyst in the lives of others, and I am complete within myself.

Christianity connected me to the divine. Buddhism grounded me and gave me permission to own my life and all my choices. Paganism fulfilled me and gave me a venue to work from in healing souls. I understand the meanings of so many things now that I didn't before. I enjoy sharing this with others. I have no problem sharing my experiences at any time.

In 1989 I became disabled with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, and Fibromyalgia. I took an early retirement [after being] declared totally and permanently disabled in 1990. I believe this was to remove me from the "fast lane" and place me in a calm, peaceful, rural setting that would be more conducive to my heightened sensitivities to sound, light, color, smell, and nature. I don't believe I could have survived much longer in a city. The energy of cities batters me psychically. I have improved each year since then. I continue to serve where I am needed. My goal is to teach therapists and doctors my healing knowledge so that they can use it in their practices, or they can allow me to work with them on their patients.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, October 2, 2003 - 04:16 pm:

What I remember,
some of this story is what my sister related to me months after the incident. The reason for this is I remember nothing. Most of the day was hazy, especially just before I had the cardiac arrest.

When I was 22yrs old I was living with my sister. Every Monday night she played beach volleyball and on occasion I’d fill in for a missing player. A vivid image of what I do remember is one of my sister’s friends stretching her legs. I do remember playing volleyball, but do not recall much. One minute I was playing volleyball, the next thing I knew I woke up in hospital. The unusual thing about waking up in the hospital was that it felt RIGHT. It felt that this was were I was supposed to be (although I have no recollection of anything that happened that could have led me there. [Question 5]).

I was sedated for 2 days and in those 2 days I felt that I was living in a dreamland, coming in and out of consciousness.

2 yrs. Later, I did a first aid course, and in this course they taught us a specific way to roll a person over on their side. We practiced it on a partner, then they practiced on me. When I was practiced upon, I definitely remembered being rolled exactly that way before. I knew straight away that it was from when I had my cardiac arrest. Deju vu. I did not have this memory prior to this first aid course.

When I was in hospital, I remember my mother shaving my face but my mother was supposed to be in Brisbane (1600kms away). I do not recall asking what happened but my mother tells me I kept asking everyone what happened. So when I woke up, I didn't ask any questions because I knew the answers. I just couldn't remember ever asking anyone anything. This is probably because of all the drugs I was given.

While I was recovering in the hospital, the ambulance drivers came in to see me. They told me to buy a lottery ticket and said that the chance for an out of hospital cardiac arrest survival was 1 in a thousand. On top of that, if it happened 6 months earlier, I wouldn't have made it to the hospital. Back then ambulances did not have defibrillators. My thanks go to the millionaire, who suffered something similar and therefore donated the money for defibrillators to be installed in ambulances.

I do not know how to word this next part but I will do my best.
When I read a book, just before I flip the page, I generally know what the next two or three words are. Also I often say things at exactly the same time as other people (jinx). We watched a home video of my sister and her boyfriend of their holidays together. In a part of the video, her boyfriend made an obscure comment on what I can't remember. But I do recall saying the exact same comment at the exact same time as he said it on camera while we were watching. Maybe I think the same way he does, or maybe it's psychic phenomena.

Now I am a 27-yr. old man, who was born with a hole in my heart. I have always had chest pain, (which is why I thought chest pain was normal) and now I have had an Inserted Cardiac Defibrillator (ICD, type of pacemaker) for 5yrs. My doctor wants me to have spinal surgery to remove some discs. He also said, if I do not have them removed, I could be a paraplegic in a few years time.

They tell me that I'm a very lucky man to still be alive. Sometimes I think that I am just unlucky not to be dead. They say you are still here because you have some unfinished business. But they never talk about the pain that comes with living.

I got this website from watching the movie Final Destination 2.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 01:11 pm:

At the time this happened to me I didn’t know what it was all about.

These were the circumstances. I had a severe drinking problem, which developed over a period of years. I would go on a binge every 6 or so wks. I had gotten used to the horror of drying out. Although it terrified me at the time of “that weird experience” as I call it.

I just remember for a while the severe pain in my head disappeared for about 3 or 4 days after I stopped drinking. I couldn’t keep food or water in my system so I think I had alcoholic poisoning. The pain in my head was getting worse and worse it was as if it was in a vice and was getting tightened slow but sure. I went upstairs to lie down and just lay there in agony wishing it would leave.

Then what happened next was very scary. I was under the ground like being in tunnel. There were some other people but it was dark so I couldn’t make out who they were. As my fear was reaching the screaming stage I saw a dot of light and made for it. The next thing I knew I was in out from the dark and there was like sunshine all around me and a group of people were there. Two people in particular spoke to me but not with their mouth. Because I knew who they were I cowered. But in a split second it turned to relief. The woman said; “ITS OKAY WE LOVE HIM TOO”. You see the two women were my boyfriend’s wives. His first wife had committed suicide and his second had died from cancer after a short marriage. There was such a lovely feeling coming from them. They treated me like a much loved sister. And then I was looking at my mother who had died 3 or 4 yrs. previously from emphysema. She said; “I can breath alright now” and she was about 30 yrs. of age, but 69 when she died. She was letting me know she was fine now I’m convinced of that. The feeling all around me was utter love, unconditional love from every one. I also knew these people were all dead, but I wasn’t afraid. It was like coming home.

Then I began to feel apprehensive cause I couldn’t stay .I knew I came down from somewhere which scared me. Then the pain was back in my head, but more bearable.

Now since that time my life has improved where I believed in the religious side of things I don’t now. I do believe in a greater power of spirituality. After about a year I stopped drinking and haven’t drunk for almost 12years. I have a home of my own. Am no longer involved with the man who was in my life at that time. Things have happened to me beyond my wildest dreams .I know longer fear being dead as such life does go on. I’ve been there. I know what’s ahead of me. I’d like the human race to experience what I did. It was wonderful.

I’ve also had some spiritual things happen to me from my family who have passed on.

Over the last few years I can only assume that it was a NDE that I had but didn’t know what it was at the time. I didn’t tell anyone about this because they would think I was a nutcase. But I’m more of a person now. But will only talk about this with people with an open mind. Thanks for letting me share this with you.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, September 28, 2003 - 12:20 pm:

I was being treated in hospital for a "chemical imbalance" after the birth of my first child. After having serious marriage problems I stopped sleeping much and was way too "up". About 10 days after the birth I entered the hospital. After initial assessment they decided I needed to sleep. I was walking down the hall of the hospital with my mom when the nurse approached with the medication. I took the pills and immediately felt the wild symptoms. I knew that I had to find my bed and called out to my mom to take me there, my eyes were rolling up and my tongue felt like it was choking me. I groped to my bed and fell unconscious face down.

I immediately left my body, travelling so fast within this amazing comforting all encompassing light (words cannot describe this feeling) I arrived at a place where a being (guide) held my hand while different parts of my life played out before me like a movie. However everything was from inside of the person I was with at the time. How they felt when I looked at them, talked to them.... It was a huge shock. I became full of knowledge that was like a burden to me. I still have to stop myself from telling people about themselves and their behavior today.

Anyway, next came more like a tunnel, at the end was a group of my family waiting for me in a garden. Far in the distance I could see many things like a beautiful city or large palace. It was strange because it didn't look like it was on land. Maybe an island or something. In-between was a small river it was amazingly beautiful. Things smelled wonderful. (Words are not powerful enough to describe these sights) there was music softly playing but no musicians. Everything was in its natural form. No technology.

My great-grandmother was the strongest presence there (and in life as well, I knew her until I was 14) and she broke into my amazed reverence and said point blank" you cannot stay here". I argued. I pleaded. She forced me to look down and all of a sudden I was in the hospital watching the doctor from a height of about 15- 20 ft or so. The ceilings were only average height so I was looking through the floor! My mom was on the side of the bed near the door and the nurse was on the other side. The doctor was right on the bed on top of me giving me a needle (adrenaline) into my neck, he was shouting at me "don't forget to breath". My mother was crying hard and holding onto the wall for support. I heard a voice in my head "you have a choice, will you leave your mother and your baby behind?" The very next moment I took a breath and opened my eyes, smiled at the doctor and said; “what are you so worried about I am fine”, and then I sat up. He freaked out. He pushed me back down and shouted at me to lay still. I tried to reassure him. I told him I saw what he did and that I went someplace wonderful. All he said was "I'm so glad you came back".

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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