NDE Accounts

Archive through August 11, 2003

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, August 11, 2003 - 09:08 pm:

I passed out while diving long distance in a community pool.

Last memory "before" was how extremely difficult it was to dive 50m this time.

Next, I was suspended on pinkish clouds, everything was very bright. I felt better than ever before or after it. No idea of time. Next I felt I was being pulled somewhere, I resisted, did not want to go "back". I also heard female voices chant "come back" (in Finnish I think). Despite my resistance I felt/heard a metallic zzzooom type of noise/sense. After this I felt hard cold tiles beneath me and heard normal voices.

When I opened my eyes I saw a bunch of hairy legs all around me. I had been pulled out of the pool unconscious and come too fairly quickly. Everything mundane felt harsh, unpleasant and cold. In the shower I realized I had soiled my swim pants.

I have discussed the experience relatively openly with family and friends.

After analyzing it I found out later on that it was pretty similar to other peoples NDE's. I am quite sure that I had not been exposed to recounts of these phenomena before the event, I was pretty young after all.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, August 11, 2003 - 09:01 pm:

At the age of 8, I went in diabetic coma. Doctors said I would die if I didn't make it by 5pm. I woke up at 4:45pm. I was alive. :-)

I spent the next 2 weeks in hospital as I was diagnosed with "juvenile diabetes" - First in Fiji.

Anyway, I was getting better when one night while I was waiting for my parents to come and visit me, I dosed off.

When I woke up, I saw a guy sitting at the end of my bed; I couldn't see the face. I thought it was my dad so I said "Dad"...and he looked around...He was faceless! The guy had NO FACE! I screamed. He got up and said to me "come with me" and put his hand forward. I was screaming and refused to go but to my amazement...I was moving. We both started flying and up we went. I realized I was up near the hospital roof and could see myself lying on the bed down below. Next thing...we were in a dark eerie place. I was standing in a pew with a few people. Then someone pushed the two ladies in the front in a ball of fire. The guy who pushed them was so tall, dark and very scary. We moved to another pew and 2 people were pushed to a BIG SHARK who started eating them. I saw big glasses breaking etc. Then next I know is, I was back on the hospital roof. I could see lots of nurses and doctors around my body doing something. I started falling down, and in I went in my body!

I still remember every single detail of it...20 years have gone but nothing can delete that experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, July 26, 2003 - 06:44 pm:

I was having my tonsils removed and the doctor’s knife slipped and I started bleeding.

I felt myself raising up out of my body and then looked down and saw me laying on the operating table. I heard the doctor tell the nurse that my heart had stopped beating and saw nurses hurrying around me. I then seemed to fly in the air and go into a tunnel of bright lights and beams of various other colors were bouncing off the side of each wall but I was heading really fast towards an even more bright light. I had this wonderful feeling of being free, loved and very happy. Suddenly I could see a tall man dressed all in white at the end of the tunnel and as I neared him, he raised up his right hand and I just stopped flying but I seemed to be floating now. I wanted so badly to go pass him into an opening of beautiful colors but he told me “no, it is not time now. You must go back because you have a lot to do first.” the man turned his right hand just slightly and I was flying very fast through the tunnel and I felt myself fall back into my body.

I awoke and saw my parents at my side and I tried to tell them my experience because I was so excited about it but I couldn’t talk. I was bleeding heavily and my vocal cords had been severed.

It took me more than a year before I could talk and then I could not say “s’s” or “a’s” for a long time. I still have trouble pronouncing some words.

When I finally was able to tell my experience to my parents I was told that I was a witch anyway because I was born with a “veil on my face” at birth. I also was born dead and it took 2 doctors to bring me to life and my color was bad when my mother first saw me. She rejected me at birth and most of my life.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, July 24, 2003 - 06:48 pm:

In the recovery room, after a colonectomy, I remember awaking to a feeling of pain in my shoulder. I was confused why my shoulder would be hurting since I was well aware of the type of surgery that was planned. I remember a man talking to me about the pain but I could not see him. He told me that he could make the pain go away.

The next thing I remember is my wife talking to me in recovery and telling me that the doctor had told her about my episode. That I was "dead" for eight minutes and CPR had to be performed.

The doctor had told her that he was up on top of me. She mentioned that the doctor had told her that he had talked to me about it. I do not remember that.

I do however remember a man in a hat. He was standing in the doorway, almost leaning a bit with his arms crossed. He was just looking at me but I could not really make out a face. He was pleasant and I felt comfortable with him. We talked, but at this point I can’t remember much of the conversation. He came and went over the next few days. I was not sleeping much because I was waiting for him. My mother happened to be there and she told me that a pastor had come and spoke with me and I do remember him but they were getting confused when I spoke of the man in the hat. I would tell them about meeting with him and they would assume that I was talking about the pastor.

I spent over 40 days in the hospital. When I went home I had other visions of him but kept them to myself. I don’t know why.

My relationship with my wife is different. My relationship with my son is much different. We are on the same wavelength most of the time. I can feel things now that I did not before. I could tell that my wife was having problems that she did not want to discuss and was trying to keep secret. I knew what they were before she gave any clues. I feel things about my son especially. I know when he is doing something he feels guilty about like drinking at a party in college. I can feel a lot of his feelings.

My daughter and I are on a wave as well but it is different. She and I are close but she is like her mother in that she wants to shield herself. It is like they know I can see but they are not sure if they should let me.

I also have a clearer image of my life and where it will go. I feel things. I know that sounds strange. I wish I could talk to someone else about this but I was afraid. I was afraid that they would think I was crazy.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 21, 2003 - 12:53 pm:

The experience I had, I believe was a genuine enlightenment experience over many years constituting 5 near-death experiences and culminating in a fundamental mental change in self-awareness and spatial awareness; an irreversible insight. The most fundamental moment of change came in early 2001. I had been through 7 years of accumulated anxiety and depressive states, constantly questioning everything. A 7 year relationship (with my partner becoming pregnant at the very end) had ended badly in 1998 after which I became deeply depressed and unable to find work, agonizing over why everything seemed to be happening to me at once, seemingly out of my control. I had to sell my flat which took a long time and move back in with my parents. Panic attacks, constant anxiety, isolation, loss of self-control in terms of anger/ frustration & tiredness were common.

After numerous failed attempts to find work in the industry I was used to (cutting edge virtual reality art & design), I finally sought medical help for clinical depression after exhaustion and isolation led to mental breakdown (several times). I became aware of phenomena such as synchronicity, in terms of things that were happening in my life were echoed in popular culture (new films, music, TV etc) a feeling of being on a point of cultural 'zeitgeist' and often feeling I'd caused it. I became extremely paranoid as I listened and interpreted every over-heard 'street' comment as something about me and my situation.

After a while, I became convinced that people were talking about me and not often to me, about their impression of my mental state. I also had become so alone and removed that whenever I went out into 'public life' as it were, I was extremely self-conscious and neurotic, often breaking down and confiding in/ or being very suspicious of, complete strangers.

These feelings came to a head when at one point I just sat in my chair crying, rain beating against the window and then suddenly, a total shift in perspective; a lifting of a veil from reality if you will. I have since described it as my 'focus-pull moment'. In film, when a camera pulls out and zooms in at the same time, usually focused on the reaction shot of a character, the background and foreground change in terms of depth of field, while keeping the face large in frame. E.g. Steven Speilberg used this alot in the 80's (Poltergeist, ET, Close Encounters etc). I felt my whole self as a complete entity, floating in space in my mind and became very aware of simple things like one's being at the top of the body, instead of elsewhere, and that being the 'centre' of self. Subsequent to this I felt very unstable and 'spaced-out', the spatial awareness feeling that I was standing on a big ball in infinite space, often making me lose balance, literally. I became aware of a clear feeling of the universal interconnectedness of all things. Friends and others also began to notice and comment, indirectly most of the time, on my persona being 'lit-up', illuminated, halloed. These side effects I had made me very frightened, as I was new to them and uncomfortable with what seemed an added responsibility, although for what I did not know.

I tried to deny and bury my feelings and not acknowledge any after-effects, trying to carry on as 'normal' with my 'act', but it seemed other people's reactions to me were making me more and more paranoid and self-conscious. My 'final' near death experience came at a point when I got so isolated, could not think of any other way to re-enter the world of 'regular' work (all my offers and approaches had been turned down) and was attending a mental health unit.
One day, I was doing some gardening and feeling at the lowest point I had ever felt, like a lead weight with no energy left, and then a small black bird hopped up beside me. I looked directly at it and it looked directly at me. To be frank it frightened the life out of me, as at the time it felt like looking in the mirror. "That black bird's very tame", said one of the attendants. I thought she was talking about me (even though I am male, my intuition and general outward persona gives me some female traits). I felt very black inside at that point, unable to resolve inner conflict about my purpose and what my experiences and what other people's comments about them, all meant. I spoke to my psychiatric nurse about the black bird in the garden; I told him that in fact I thought the bird was telling me to live, else I thought it was going to peck out my eyes or something! Since that time, I have noticed many Robins where I walk, sometimes up to 5. I equate the Robin with Batman and Robin and it's always a good sign and a good day when I see one. It reminds me of who I am and that I have things to live for and a service to provide to others. These things may sound extremely irrational but I believe now that the closer you move toward your essential nature the more in tune you become with natural events. After all everything comes from and goes to, nature.
Or Tao, as I've come to call it. The infinite, empty, nameless state.

My life focus has now completely changed and I am becoming a mentor and life-coach, helping others to help themselves. My interests now are much more people related than computer/ design related. I have visions of global unity through spiritual experience and I am working on becoming, or rather continuing to be a catalyst for global spiritual change; human understanding.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 16, 2003 - 05:41 pm:

Three days after my operation I was still unable to stand up and walk because I felt very dizzy. The nurses were insisting that I had to get up. After taking a few steps I fainted, they put me on a chair to recover. BUT I had to get up again in order to go back to my bed. So after the first steps I fainted for a second time and for a long period (I don't know the exact duration).

I don't remember how I got there but I found myself in a beautiful green peaceful landscape, with many flowers and running waters, everything had very intense colouring. I was surrounded by many transparent creatures (spirits?). I felt that they were very loving creatures and also that they were closely related to me like my family. I felt that something was pulling me away from that place but I didn't want to leave because I felt so good, like I was bathed in love and like I was belonging there.

When I recovered I found myself in bed with one nurse holding my legs up and the other one slapping me on the face with water. It took me some time to understand where and who I was. Also, I had a very difficult time to recover from the operation.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 06:40 pm:

I was in the final stage of childbirth for my first child.

I began to hear a humming sound that got louder and louder. The nurse was saying something but I couldn't hear her anymore.

The things in the room and the pain faded away, turning into a dark spinning tunnel. It seemed to be spinning. There seemed to be grooves like that of the lines on a screw nail going around the inside edges of this tunnel. It seemed like it was a large black steel cylinder. It seemed to be revolving slowly on the outside but I was spinning faster and faster as I descended up toward the top of this cylinder. The humming sound lessened once I realized I was in this tunnel. I did not know where I was going. I remember thinking, Where was I going. I began to look around to see how I could get back out of it, yet at the same time don't remember looking around. I then saw a light at the opening of the top of this tunnel. This light was a small opening to begin with and then became immensely beautiful. I cannot describe this brilliant white, yellow light. It was like it was more of a feeling that of peace that something to describe. I wanted to go toward it and let myself continue to travel toward it. As I got closer to the opening the light got larger and larger like a spreading out of something spilling. There appeared the upper torsos of approximately 6 people looking into the tunnel. They reached their hands out toward me to help me get there. They were dressed in black, seemed very kindly. Just as I was almost in grasping reach of a few of their hands they pushed me back. I don't know how because they never touched me. They just kept their hands withdrawn enough so that I couldn't reach them. I remember feeling very sad because I couldn't reach them. I seemed to be asking them to help me get to them but not with words from my mouth. They said "No you have to go back, you have something to do, you can't come right now, it's not time yet for you to come. Words something to that effect. I remember them looking at me but they had no faces. Yet I think they were old relatives and I know for sure one of them was an old uncle that died when I was a child. As they withdrew their hands back into the light, I momentarily felt bad as my hands began to drift back backward down the tunnel. I didn't want to go back. I remember going up toward the light but it seemed like I only remember my hands retreating backward down the tunnel.

The next thing I remember was, in reality in the delivery room a nurse was slapping the tops of my hands quite hard and saying hey wake up there, you have a beautiful baby girl. I forgot this incident for many years or rather just never talked about it. I don't know which.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 14, 2003 - 06:31 pm:

I went to the dentist to have a cavity filled. Novocaine always took a long time to numb my gums, so the dentist decided to use nitros-oxide along with the novocaine.

The next thing I knew, I was floating above my body and I could see exactly what the nurse and dentist were doing. I could see the nurse walk into the supply room and grab some supplies. I remember thinking "what's going on" and after that thought something or someone said, "you're dead." I remember turning away from my body and as soon as I did, I was traveling through a dark tunnel with an extremely bright light at the end. Again, I remember thinking or asking "what happened?" and then I saw some beings or entities, no one that I recognized, but I felt safe with them, and they said "you're dead." But they didn't talk. It was more like mental telepathy. I could hear their thoughts and they could hear mine. We didn't need to speak. I told them I couldn't be dead, because my mother was waiting for me in the waiting room and she would be really mad if I were dead. Then they asked me if I wanted to go with them or go back to my body. I remember thinking about it because it was so peaceful and beautiful and I felt so safe and calm. I told them that I had better go back because I didn't want my mom to get mad and then the next thing I knew I was in the dentist's chair.

The dentist and nurse seemed very panicky and he said that he would never use nitros-oxide on me again. When I went out to the waiting room, my mom could tell something had happened and she asked me what, but I really couldn't explain. This was such a weird experience and I'm sure she wouldn't believe me.

About a few days later, we were watching the Mike Douglas show on TV. He had someone on who was talking about NDE. I immediately said to my mom that that's what happened to me at the dentist's office, and explained the whole thing to her. Neither of us had ever heard of NDE before this, so I know I couldn't have dreamed it or had this thought in my subconscious.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 03:07 pm:

I do not remember much of the detail.

I was in a hospital and lived there for a 'time'. Neither parents are alive now. I am curious to how long, why and what happened when I was there.

I do know that I had rheumatic fever. I collapsed when I was around 7 when I was playing. I could not move. (maybe my joints locked?) I woke up in the hospital.

Before I woke, I remember floating over some doctors and I was in the bed. I thought this was funny at the time. I heard, like a ringing noise and a bright light that shone in my face, not like a lamp. I did not feel myself squint. I do not remember an exact speech. But like a low voice. I have various languages in my family, so it could have been a language I did not understand.

Afterwards, in my years in school, I have seen a dark figure in my dreams that seemed to always calm and protect me. This person was like a shadow. With a hat and pants. Slim.

After I was married (17) I had vivid visions of the immediate future. Usually harming someone. So I would warn people. At first no one listened, but after these things happened to them, they began to listen.

I have had people do some very mean things to me and have had a deep calm come over me as if something telling me that it was done for a purpose. I have been unemployed for almost 2 years. I was laid off after working for 10 years. I have had all my needs met without any Federal Aid.

I am eligible for financial aid to go to college. I did not know this until I was researching on the Internet and discovered the Trade Act information. After many months of tracking the information down I found out that the information for me to receive the benefits were sent to Texas. I live elsewhere.

The other day, I was in bed. I did not feel good. (sometimes when I have visions I get ill to my stomach) A friend came by and asked if I wanted to go to the store. I did NOT want to go. He just made me. (I am kind of a recluse) He proceeded to go to different locations to take care of bills. Each location he asked if I wanted to get out. I said no.

Upon going to a mart, he asked again. I had to go to the bathroom and I went directly there. I did not enter the first stall, which was open or my favorite stall, which is the handicapped. But went directly to another opened stall. Inside, there was a purse, I opened it and saw a lot of bills. Over $700. Before thinking anything else, not even asking others in the bathroom if it was their purse, I went to the customer service. After and only after did I think about what I did. Upon exiting the store, I was approached and thanked for turning the purse in.

I am basically writing because I have been recently wondering why I am so focused on helping the youth? I have even written a proposal and sent it out to many churches in the area. I was working with a church on their youth program. I do this to the detriment of personal relationships.

I have been told that I can have a 'relationship' and also do my work. I am also the one in the family who is responsible for the genealogy and Hebrew/Native American traditions.

I heard about the near death experience through a reading about a Dr. Richey. I peaked when I heard him say that he has a passion to educate the youth. Next day, I went to the library and came up with your organization.

I am really excited now to find out what happened to me when I was in the hospital those many months. I would like to read more about children who had the experience and now realize this connection.

I don't think my daughter has had an out of body experience. I am going to ask her. But I do know she is strongly clairvoyant. So is my grand daughter. I wonder, is this carried through genes? Or hereditary or, can be passed on somehow? She also sees the dark stranger.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 02:52 pm:

I was in my mother’s home, just about two months after my father passed away. I was very sick and my immune system was low. I felt myself feeling dehydrated and I could not get up without my head spinning. If I tried to get up to stand, the spinning was so severe, that I would land upside down.

I was lying in bed and I felt myself take my last breath. At that time, I said a prayer to God that, I have down all I could do and this was it. About two seconds later, two of the Brightest of lights about the size of a bowling ball came through the wall and came down in a curve towards me. I jumped back scared as a sheet. The two bright lights disappeared. First thing that came to mind was, I had to take care of my mother, I can’t go now. Staring at where the bright lights disappeared, about three seconds later, a jolt went through my body, it was total peace and love in one. It was electrifying total peace.

Then I felt able to breathe.

It took four days before I could walk around. The fourth day a minister came from Las Vegas to buy a motor home that my dad had. I had tried for weeks to sell it and never got a bite. Then, a Mormon elder traded the next day with a real nice minivan for my Chevy Van that needed a paint job.

It took me several weeks to finally get better. Later in the year I had a MRI done and, the doctor told me approx. when I was sick that, I had a stroke. I had a stroke at home and did not know that, I had the stroke.

My mother had similar experiences when she was young.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 02:34 pm:

Had an argument with a man I was living with. Felt hopeless, helpless, unloved, unsecure, frightened, alone, confused, mistreated. Drank beer and took a whole bottle of Valium. Laid down on the bed to die.

The man I was living with came back. The emergency squad was called and they tried to revive me. I died going to the hospital and that's when my journey began.

I was drifting. Was revived. Got to the hospital and died again.

This time I drifted above my body and saw everyone, including my body and everyone that was working on me. I smelled flowers. I saw a tunnel and drifted through. While drifting through I saw some people I knew, others I didn't, they were shadows. I saw a light ahead. It was so bright, I had to close my eyes. I saw a huge city, all in gold. I felt no pain. I felt so wonderful, more than words can describe. I wanted to stay, a voice said, "No, you have to go back." I traveled in reverse, it was dark and suddenly I was back in my body and I hurt so badly.

I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and was told I should seek counseling. A nurse asked me why I had said; “there wasn't anything to live for”. She asked; "Do you have children?" I replied, "Yes." And, I've never wanted to commit suicide since.

I lead a quiet, ordinary life with a strong belief in God and Heaven.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 02:26 pm:


In 1987, my husband and I took a wonderful canoe trip into the wilds of British Columbia, Canada with another couple. Bowren Lake is part of a chain of lakes surrounding a mountain, and a very popular canoe destination. Many come from Alaska, Continental U.S., Germany and other European countries. The lake is in a Provincial Park located about 600 miles north of Seattle, Washington. This area makes you feel you have stepped back in time. The completely restored gold mining town, Barkerville has docents dressed in costume, operating the blacksmith shop, a newspaper print shop, restaurants, primitive homes, a church and a "Hanging Judge" in a courthouse where they hold mock trials.

The second day out in the canoes we found an unoccupied cabin built before
this area became a Provincial Park. Cabins were available on first come basis and were very primitive, but luxurious compared to camping and stashing your food and gear in bear-proof ladder storage areas. There were fresh tracks of many different animals - bears, moose, deer, many wild birds and a beaver dam nearby.

The second day, our friends opted to continue down to the falls. Since this involved portaging, we decided to remain at the cabin until they returned.

We spent the day enjoying the almost unearthly quiet. At dark, we stretched out on the floor in our sleeping bags. Sometime during the night, I was swept up by celestial "beings". I glanced back and saw my body still in the sleeping bag as we went through the roof into the dark. As strange as it was I felt no fright - only that I was being taken somewhere to be shown something. I really feel now it was my two brothers - one had died of a heart attack; the other in World War II.

Then we arrived in a brilliant blue/white area - there are no words to describe this light - so bright but no effect on the eyes. Then, I was surrounded in a large area with many spiritual beings and a feeling of love. - I was "told" without words that they wanted to show me something.
Then I saw my father. He was pacing back and forth in front of a brilliant, bright-lighted area, sort of like a cloud. I understood without words I would not be allowed to go into that area. He was young, and thin, dressed in a suit, complete with tie and hat; not in the aged body I had last seen him. He did not see me. I understood, without words, he was waiting for my mother, and couldn't understand why she was being kept from him and coming to this beautiful place. My father was the only person I actually saw.

Then, I was alone with an indescribable feeling of peace, and a sense of being a part of all knowledge - I have no words to describe that sensation. I do not remember being returned to my body, but was rather surprised when I woke up in my body in the sleeping bag the next morning.

What happened that night was just the beginning of many changes that took place in my life. I lived and was concerned with this event for over a year before I found a copy of "Life after Life" by Dr. Raymond Moody. Before that I had never heard of anyone having such an experience.

When we returned to civilization, a phone call to my brother in California, revealed the fact that when I had my out of body experience, my mother had suffered a major stroke and was in a coma for days. I immediately flew down to help take care of her. She recovered partially from the stroke and lived two more years.

What has happened to me since that experience is another story, or as Paul Harvey would say "the rest of the story".

Thanks for listening. I feel I need some help in addressing the rest of my life. I have had four books published, and have more I'm working on that could change the future health of our nation.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 9, 2003 - 02:16 pm:

My NDE happened around the second week in October 1999. For a year straight, I lived in constant, never-ending pain. I could not function.

My husband worked construction. Before he left for work, he would cook breakfast, get me and the kids up, and go work his butt off all day, to come home to cook, clean, do laundry etc. I had two small children, two boys, 3 yrs. and 7 yrs.. My husband & I had only been married for 11 months.

I could not take care of my house, husband, kids, like I wanted to. I couldn't play with my kids. I was told I would never have kids, so to finally be blessed after 10 years of trying and two miscarriages, and not be able to do all the things I dreamed of doing with my kids, well it broke my heart. I was deeply depressed and felt TOTALLY worthless. I prayed, “God, let my die!” “Heal me or take me home! I do not want to live like this!”

About two days before my NDE I went to my Dr. and got my usual muscle relaxers and a stronger pain pill. I weighed maybe 108lbs at the time. I took the pills as prescribed, but I feel that the dosage at that time was too high.

On the second night, I went to bed. I was on my stomach, I had my 3 yr. old on my left side and my husband on my right. I was instantly aware when I stopped breathing, I was like, “Wow, I just stopped breathing!” Then I rose out of my body and became instantly aware of how heavy my body was and how freeing it was to be out of it! No more pain! I began to float toward my bedroom door to the left of me and I looked back at my baby, my body and my husband and a feeling of panic came over me. And I thought, If go through that door, I will never get back to my body! Yet, it felt as if I was being pulled and couldn't stop it. The next thing I remember is being in this dark gray area, I was scared, there were these dark forms all around me, I could not see features but they had arms, because they all came at me, tarring, clawing, etc. I was in tears, I just looked up and cried, 'Jesus, help me!' Then, I was in this tunnel, while in this tunnel, I felt like I was sliding down the tunnel, this freaked me out, because I thought, 'Oh, my God! I'm falling downward, I must be going to hell! I was terrified!

The next thing I remember was trying to get myself to wake up, trying to kick my husband to get him to wake me from this nightmare! I woke up in tears! Shaking, scared to death! My first words through the tears to my husband was, 'Oh, my God, they were trying to kill me!' I was talking about the gray forms. I got up, too shaken to try to sleep. I turned on the Christian TV network, and they had a show on about NDEs. They explained in that program about people sliding down the tunnel to heaven, so I was relieved that I did not go to hell.

I had another experience, but I can't put the time frame together, if it was before this experience or after. In that experience, I left my body and went into my children’s room and floated over there beds, just checking on them. I assume this took place prior to this experience because, I just thought of it as a dream. Knowing what I know now, I know it was an out of body experience.

Since my NDE my physical condition has GREATLY improved! I enjoy nature! I love gardening now, planting and watching it grow thrills me, painting, walking nature trails etc. I appreciate this life so much more now. I know that we are here to learn and to love. I feel at one with the universe; I guess would be a way to describe it. Life is so much more exciting when you have the knowledge you take from an NDE. It’s just a simple knowledge yet it is the key to everything in existence.

There are alot of questions I would love to ask someone. I would like to go under hypnosis to recall the things I don't remember about the experience, but don't know where to go to do that. If I can assist you all with any studies, I am more than willing to do that and get my questions answered in the process. I am so glad you guys are there for us. Thank you for believing in us and not blowing us off as looney tunes! Keep up the good work!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 7, 2003 - 07:46 pm:

My husband and I were in an auto accident a week before Christmas, 1964. We were passengers, sitting in the back seat, when another vehicle coming towards us side-swiped the car in front of us at a high rate of speed and then hit us, head-on.

My injuries involved a shattered left knee and broken upper leg, as well as extensive facial injuries. I was 6 months pregnant at the time, and went into labor as a result of the injuries.

I can remember paramedics looking at me in the vehicle, and saying, "Oh my God, this one is pregnant." Is it possible that I was alert enough at that time, considering the pain I had to be in, to hear that statement?

In my ADE experience I can remember "floating" down a tunnel toward a beautiful light. The light did not hurt my eyes, although it appeared to be very bright. There were beings hovering around, giving out peaceful "vibrations" and assuring me that I had nothing to fear. The beings all seemed to know me, and kept reassuring me that everything was ok. At some point I had to make a decision - to continue on toward the light, or to return to life. I discussed it with the beings - my decision to return to life was that I had two tiny children who needed me. I decided to come back.

I remember being in the intensive care unit, with my family around the bed. My mother was crying, my dad was next to her, an aunt & uncle around them. I looked up at them and my thought was - "I feel so sorry for them, they do not know what I know. It is so beautiful." That thought was very vivid.

For many years I did not mention this experience with anyone for fear of being deemed "crazy". I had not even heard about NDE until many years later. What a shock to learn that others had also had that beautiful experience that I had felt.

While I do not feel that this experience has made me a "better" person, I do know that it has changed my outlook on life. We are only here for a limited time and we must make the best of each moment. Death, in itself, should not be feared. There is definitely more to life than that which we presently see. I had been brought up being taught of God, Jesus and Heaven, and in 1969 came to a saving knowledge of Jesus. John 3:16

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 7, 2003 - 07:41 pm:

Suffered a stroke in the evening about 9 pm, after finishing up some shop work at home. Came upstairs to my bedroom, undressed to take a shower and collapsed.

During the 13hrs I was on the bedroom floor, part of my conscious mind began to function. At that time, knowing I was in trouble, I asked God for protection. The lord saw fit to send three angels to look over me. My guardian angel asked:"what would you have me do?" I recall the smell of clove.

I sent my guardian angel to put the thought that I was in trouble in the mind of a friend, Tom. Tom came with my next door neighbor, found me and called 911.

Was in ICU for 3 weeks.

Today, my left side does not function well, and I’m slowly working to be able to walk again. Neurologically only a small section is gone, with no impacts on math or writing skills.
Basic lTM is fine and the STM is improving steadily. Prognosis: arm: 95% and for the leg: 100%.

It all takes time.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, July 7, 2003 - 07:33 pm:

I had to have my gall bladder out. I had been sick for a year and pregnant for most of that due to the gall bladder problem. Two months after my daughter was born, I went in for surgery. I was admitted the night before and I was very nervous about it. I was heavily sedated before they brought me down for the operation and remember very little. The surgery went well, but in the recovery room, a nurse noticed I had stopped breathing.

Then I had a cardiac arrest. I had no regular heartbeat. I was zapped at least three times with the paddles before they were able to get a regular heartbeat, but I still required a tube to breath because I couldn't do so on my own. I was in a coma and placed in intensive care. My husband was told I would have brain damage, but they did not know how much. I remained in a coma for a few hours and then started breathing spontaneously on my own. After they removed the tube from my throat, I started screaming and trying to get out of the bed. My husband related this to me. It took about four orderlies/nurses to hold me down. I was sitting up with my eyes wide open and screaming while trying to bolt out of the bed. I have no recollection of this, whatsoever. My husband was very disturbed by it. Finally, I guess I settled down.

The first thing I do remember after falling asleep for the last time before the surgery, was darkness lifting suddenly in front of my eyes--like a black curtain going up. And there was my husband standing beside my bed looking at me with a very strained look on his face. He said, "You almost died." The next thing I remember is my surgeon standing beside my bed, looking very relieved. He asked me my name and I think my social security number. He said he cried when they called him back into the recovery room to try to help resuscitate me.

I had a long and frightening recovery. I lost the use of my hands for a couple of weeks, my peripheral vision, and my eyesight in general was very screwed up. I literally couldn't see straight. Neurological tests afterward revealed that my brain was as scrambled as if I'd been hit by a "mac truck," as the nurse put it. My head felt strange. I told my surgeon that what was in my head, wasn't getting to my hands. After that the numbness came on. The neurologists said my ulner nerve had been damaged and the lack of oxygen was probably responsible for the loss of my peripheral vision.

When I was in the hospital this game show was on my TV. The contestants were given a math calculation to do. I was never good with math, but it was like a pinball shot off in my head--I did the calculation in an instant and came up with the correct answer before any of the contestants! That was the clearest my mind had ever been! I don't attempt math problems on a daily basis, so that has not happened since.

The experience, or lack of, was very disturbing for me. Where was the light? No bells, no dead relatives. That lack of experience was very disturbing to me. One of the first things I told my surgeon was that I didn't see a white light. He told me I wasn't "dead" enough. I had burn marks all over my chest and ribs from those paddles--that was "dead enough" in my book. What followed over the next few months was even more disturbing to me. One night I had a dream of being lined up in front of a firing squad with other people. I wasn't in the front row, I was maybe 2 or three rows back. The soldiers were dressed in some foreign uniform. They took aim and shot, people around me fell. They took aim and shot a second time, more people around me fell. The third time they took aim, I ran away and the dream ended. I woke up extremely upset to the point of crying. I had this exact same dream two more times over the next few months. The only difference was the uniform of the soldiers. I had a feeling of unexplained anger over the whole incident in the hospital.

Finally, I remembered I had a copy of my in-house hospital records (which I requested on the advice of an attorney after the incident). I opened the envelope and read them for the first time about six months after the incident. In it I found comments from the nurses about my condition before during and after the incident. Along with my physical condition, they wrote things that I said, along with the time and date of any conversations. The first words I said, late that night, after coming out of the coma were to a nurse. I asked her "did my heart stop?" I had no recollection of that conversation. The first conversation I remember was with my husband, and I mentioned nothing to him about my heart. I had no idea what had happened, but I knew when I looked at him that something was wrong. Yet I talked to a nurse before that and asked her if my heart had stopped.

A description of the operation was also in there. Part of this contained a description of how the drug (marcaine) they suspected as the cause of the respiratory arrest was "injected around the wound." The drug was administered as a "shot." This immediately rung a bell as the "shot" from the firing squad in my dream. After reading this, the firing squad dreams stopped. But it wasn't until years later when I happened to be reading up on marcaine in a pharmaceutical book, that I discovered that it was administered as a series of "shots" or injections around the wound after it was closed up. In my dream, I witnessed two shots; before the third one, I ran. I still cry about those dreams to this day.

Since then, I have made a full recovery. Although we like to joke about the jury still being out on the "brain damage." Most people don't know about my experience. I'm reluctant to share it because of my lack of a "typical" or positive near death experience. I don't want to tell people that I don't know what's out there. I believe on some level I knew what was happening to me. I was as knocked out as a person can be, so I don't know how I can know anything. But, somehow I do know. I lead a full, responsible life. I am successful at my job and have no physical handicaps from the incident. Everyday I wonder what I'm doing here. As a result of this experience, I raised my children with love and patience, respect and understanding and I think they are very decent people. I find myself waiting for my next purpose to be revealed. I'm not religious. I question conventional beliefs, but I'm comfortable with my outward religion for now. Whenever I hear "What’s This Life For" by Creed, I cry.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, July 5, 2003 - 07:00 pm:

I overdosed on 76 1mg Xanax. I woke up in the hospital 10 to 12 hours later. During the time I was out I had an out of body experience that I equate to a near death experience.

At once I was a Dark Body Planet. I had no recollection of my life before; I just was the planet. I knew every inch of my surface and the exact measure of my depth. My consciousness encompassed my whole self. It is hard to describe but it is different then the consciousness that I have now which mainly in my face and eyes. The most striking thing about this experience and the thing I miss the most are Eternal patience with a singleness of purpose.

I knew exactly how far it was to the next body, I mean I knew exactly how far the next body was and I knew perfectly how far I was going and how long it would take to get there. I knew that I was moving toward a Black Hole. I had singleness of purpose and eternal patience. The journey would take billions of years and billions of miles and it didn’t matter at all. There is nothing like it in my life now, that kind of purpose and patience. Then I heard and saw my name called from a long way away, it was like light and struck me in my consciousness. Immediately I became a point of light and sped through an incredible expanse of space into my body.

I was in a hospital bed with an angel standing at my head. I could only see his hands, they were huge. I looked down toward my body and could see metal cylinders protruding out from my arms, hips, knees and ankles and I could feel cylinders out of the sides of my head at my temple area. When I noticed I became deeply concerned and distressed. I felt extremely guilty. Mentally I asked the angel why I was like this. I could feel and hear the cylinders in my head being pushed closed, when this happened I could hear a sound like the doors closing on the movie Star Trek. The metal was strange and left an impression on me that I am unable to describe very well but it was very high tech and light and hard. When he moved down my body with his hands he pushed all of the cylinders in and they locked with a strange sound. Then the angel told me not to worry, that I was born that way. ("It" was not my fault)

Then, I woke up again to the same room with my extended family looking at me and smiling and saying, "we love you."

Then, I woke up again and I was in the same room with just a couple of people there, this was "reality" and I was O.K. I was filled with the pure power of fearlessness and I knew I could never be harmed. I was absolutely not afraid at all. I knew the importance of the scripture about Jesus walking through the multitudes without anyone being able to touch him. This strength, although of no earthly use to me or my family, continued for 27 days without waning or decreasing in any measure. Until, I had a worry about the power bill come into my mind. It devastated me. It was like leaving heaven and entering hell. My small worry had the same effect as a major worry. The difference of night and day. One second heaven and the next hell. I crashed to the floor and cried. I just said no, no, take me back.

I had memory loss and had psychic abilities. I still may, but I have tried to keep most of it just in the back of my mind so I could reconstruct my personality, which was all but lost due to this experience. I lost connections with loved ones, like a relational memory loss. I became very intelligent. My mind was very quick and I could feel it. Like my mind could see the front and the backs of things. It is very hard to describe.

This should give you a general idea of the events and the results. I wanted to tell this story to see if anyone else has had an experience that is comparable. I am not a writer but, I have tried to be honest in my recollection. I know without a doubt anyone who has had an experience of this sort will have an understanding of how impossible it is to convey the depth and weight of such a thing.

Thank you for reading.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, July 5, 2003 - 06:40 pm:

While having an operation for a rare pregnancy problem, I remember looking down from a place up above and seeing myself on the operating table. There were two people working on me. I couldn't see their faces, just the backs of their heads.

When I woke up I was very sick and I was trying to throw-up but, the only thing that came out was air. I asked the nurse in the recovery room why I was so sick and she said that sometimes when people are under anesthesia they quit breathing and a tube is inserted into their mouth to help them breath and air leaks into their stomachs causing them to be sick.

I knew then, that I had died long enough to leave my body and see or perceive or what ever it was that I did in that room.

I am not afraid to die now. Death is not painful at all. Sometimes I wonder if I would rather be in the spirit world where there is no pain. I am not suicidal because I have responsibilities but, I can't wait to go back there again as soon as I can.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, July 5, 2003 - 06:31 pm:

When I knew she was gone; when it sunk in she was dead; I started to scream. She’s all I ever had in this world. I have no family but our kids. Just me. To be all alone with out her, as my tears hit her face, as I tried to close her eyes. No you can’t leave me like this.

Then came the light. Under the light was my wife and to upper right was my dad standing there with his hands in his pockets looking at me. To the left of the light was my grandmother, she put her hankie against her month and was crying at me. It was just like when some one walks at you at night with car lights [behind them]. I knew they were there for me (a nobody).

I still remember what my family did for me that morning. I’m still raising our children, they're 18 and 17 now.

I want to go there where they went and, I will some day? I don’t make the rules.

p.s. Me and my wife’s favorite movie was “Ghost” with Patrick Swayze. She always saved my dumb butt, even in the after life. I love her forever.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, July 5, 2003 - 06:12 pm:

26th October I had a motor vehicle accident which, was not my fault. Head on collision, spent 156 days in coma. I do remember some kind of tunnel, light on end, rapid acceleration toward to light. I saw myself on the road, saw cars, ambulances, police, like from the top, you can count leaves on trees...

Mentally so strong, this accident made me so strong. Able to push myself to more than limits. No fear at all, not even from death. Completely a loss of fear of anything ...

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 1, 2003 - 11:00 pm:

I was experiencing much anxiety about sleeping and feeling physically vulnerable following a hysterectomy. I had moved to a spare room to avoid being jostled by my 22-month old daughter who always got into bed with my husband and me in the middle of the night. The twin bed was directly against a window, which let onto our front porch, and I kept dreaming repeatedly that somebody was trying to break in, and I was too weak to defend myself.

About 7-10 days after the surgery, I had a lucid dream in which my body rose off the bed to float about the house. It was as if there were a current of water about 4 feet off the ground and I was floating on it, on my back. After I was carried out of my room and around part of the house, feet first, I decided to go back to bed. I did this by grabbing the walls and doorways to pull myself against the stream back to the bed, head first. When I reached the doorway, there was no more current; instead it became more like free-floating in space. I had to do a combination of swimming motions and bouncing off of walls and furniture to get back to my bed. I had to also attempt several times to get the velocity right so I wouldn't rebound away again. Finally I managed to come to a dead stop just above my bed, but I couldn't go back down to the bed. I remained hovering a foot or two above the bed. It was just like floating on water.
Then I began to go up. A wall of mist gathered around me, so I couldn't see anything, certainly not that I was going up, yet I was certain that I was. It felt rather like being on an elevator. I thought to myself, "Oh, great. I'm dreaming about a NDE, and it's so hokey! A tunnel of light, how corny! Can't I be more original?" I had a moment of unease as I wondered WHY I was dreaming a NDE; I became positive that I was in fact dying, and I wondered why, for my surgery had been uncomplicated and I was physically fine. I had a flash of thinking that I had asked for it: I had been feeling suicidal and imagining it a few days before the surgery, partly because of job-stress-related depression and partly because of taking steroids to get rid of poison ivy before the surgery. As I continued to rise, a defiant feeling came over me: "God, you will NOT hold that against me!" Then I told myself firmly, "God is not like that; God is love."

Then the rising ceased. The tunnel opened onto a cloudy plain. It was bright and featureless, except for a floor and ceiling of fluffy clouds. The floor and ceiling appeared to curve together in the middle distance; I was enclosed in a large, empty space. But it was not a void; it felt friendly and safe. I felt good there. I had no physical pain. In fact, I was unaware of my body. I ventured a mental inquiry: Am I alone here? A mellifluous, deep voice, that echoed with feminine overtones, spoke: "Welcome, little one." I felt bathed with love and understanding and comfort. I wanted to cry. I wanted to run to embrace whoever was speaking, but there was nobody visible. I had the sense that there was an invisible door off in the mist, and that the Voice spoke from outside (inside?) there. I had the sense of being in a vestibule or narthex outside of a sanctuary or temple--maybe just outside heaven itself. I did not feel barred from entering, but I wondered if I had permission. Then the Voice said, "You may stay...if you choose to." I thought, "This is nuts! Now that I finally got away from the pain and struggles of earth--and without having to do myself in--why would I choose to leave?"

Suddenly I got an image of my daughter. She was precious and adorable, and I felt a fierce love for her. I wanted to see how she turns out. I wanted to be there to protect her and teach her. I did not want to leave her behind. Then I saw my 5-year old son, and although I did not feel as fiercely about him, I felt I owed him better than leaving him behind. I felt guilty for wanting to die. I felt even more guilty when I saw my husband and thought of leaving him with two small children to tend to while he finished his Ph.D. I thought of how he'd have to move out of the parsonage, and I couldn't imagine how he'd cope. I was feeling guilty, a little afraid of being roped in by my guilt, and then a bit resentful about it, when my view switched back to my daughter. I was convinced that I had been born for her, to bring her into the world and to raise her up. I felt that we had a covenant between us and God. I felt that God was accepting and forgiving if I chose to break the covenant, but I didn't want to do that to my daughter. It seemed to me that we had a mission, almost.

And my husband and son and I had tasks to fulfill together: learning and preparing for something, not necessarily something that we'd all do together. I knew I needed to learn from them, and I knew that I would be some kind of catalyst for them. I still felt guilty for not loving any of them enough, more so for my son, most of all for my husband, but I knew simultaneously that I was doing the best I could (I had an indulgent feeling from God) and that in God's eyes there was nothing to forgive. And I realized clearly that I could choose to remain where I was or go back and strive to do better. I found I WANTED to go back, and at that instant I began dropping rapidly, breathtakingly. I dropped upright, but as I came to the end of the tunnel I saw myself lying on the bed. I executed a floating-leaf maneuver to get onto my back and settled gently into my body on the bed. I thought," OK, now hurry up! Wake up and remember this dream!"

That's when I realized I already WAS awake, and looking around the room. I wasn't afraid of the window anymore; I knew I would be staying on earth until I fulfilled my purpose. I felt that I had been literally and actually faced with a life or death choice, and that I had chosen life. I knew I would have the strength and resources to face it. I knew I was a volunteer for this life: I DID ask to get born! I became intensely curious about why, what for. Oddly, though I chose to come back for my family, I didn't particularly appreciate them any better, not after a day or two. But I did appreciate Life more, and I was no longer so angry that Life sucks, nor so mad and impatient with God about it as I had been (always--that's what drove me to seminary). I did get more urgent in demanding parishioner’s step up to the bar to work for a better world; I wasn't willing to just love and coddle them. I felt it was up to US to make the world better.

This led to an eventual rupture with that congregation, though for 5 more years I labored to bring them a vision and a way of bringing that vision to fruition. When I resigned, I was ready to quit being a pastor and find an alternative spiritual path, but that was not practical at the moment, and a vacancy appeared that was just perfect for us as a family, so I have continued in the ministry, feeling that God engineered the vacancy to keep me in the ministry AND in the healing group I had meanwhile discovered in a sort of spiritual underground right in the midst of a conservative rural community. Now that my husband has (finally) completed his dissertation, I am pondering what to do next. I am about sick of the Church as an institution; God is too limited by the Church, and misrepresented. I'd like to be free to speak of God as I experience God: as healing energy and a loving Mind. I long for a more liberal and enlightened community to belong to.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 1, 2003 - 10:49 pm:

My family raised me with an advanced spiritual consciousness and tons of unconditional love. But after age 13, my life was filled with death. First I watched my father die, then my Grandmother, then a beloved uncle died, all before I was 17.

At age 18 came the draft. I witnessed the very end of the Vietnam War, and the tragic aftermath. When Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia fell to the communists, there was death, destruction, and the mass murder of millions. As an intelligence analyst at a recon squadron in Southeast Asia, my job required me to study it, write reports on it, never to talk about it, and, worst of all, do absolutely nothing to stop the bloodbath.

After a love affair ends, people say they have a broken heart. They have no idea what that actually means; but I know. Seeing so much destruction and death--it truly did break my heart. Life was empty and meaningless.

For several years afterward, I lived in darkness. Then came a 15-year journey of recovery. Group therapy, psychiatrists, anti-depressants, support groups, men's groups, spiritual work...you name it, I did it!

It seemed like I got better, but that war blew a hole in my soul that nothing on this earth could heal. I had a huge, huge case of survivor guilt. All those people died, and we didn't do a thing about it. And I could NOT get over it. I was angry at God, for showing me so much death, for no good reason. Finally, I just wanted to die and stop my pain.

On the surface, my life looked O.K. A decent job, a lovely girlfriend, even a cute little house with a garage. But I drove my car into my garage, closed the garage door, put on a Beethoven tape, laid back in my car seat, closed my eyes, and left the big motor running. I was all done.

That Beethoven tape played for 45 minutes. In that time span, a high-performance V-8, with no catalytic converters, should have pumped out more than enough carbon monoxide to make me unconscious. And then kill me.

But I did not die. I guess I left for a while. I'm not sure where I went; I did "download" a program that actually "ran" later. All I can remember from the garage is, after my ego-self was gone, someone was inside me, taking care of me, running my body for me. But it wasn't me.

This guy had such incredible love, patience, forgiveness, understanding, and even good humor. It was HIM who, after the music ended, raised my arm, stopped the tape, and switched off the engine. He guided my body up, out of the car, and into the house. He even put me gently to bed.

Next morning, my ego, the little voice inside my head that wants to run my life...it was gone. In its place was an incredible sense of peace. Peace like I had never known. A Peace SO big, it can soak up all the pain from every bad thing that's ever happened in all of eternity. God's Peace.

Apparently, I wouldn't be allowed to die. Since I didn't know what else to do, I began to meditate...and pray. Real, talking-to-God prayer.

I imagined I was out in space, looking down on the earth, like God would see us. I imagined Southeast Asia, on fire, with bright orange flames, and thick black smoke, pouring out into space. All the murdered bodies being put into the ground, their souls slipping up to heaven like wisps of gray smoke. I tried to fill my heart with all the grief and pain it could hold as I gazed mournfully at my imaginary vision of that war.

Then God answered my prayer...by taking over my vision, by changing it right in front of me. The black smoke vanished, the orange flames went to a brilliant blazing white light, a light too bright for human eyes, like the light at Christ's tomb. The light of resurrection. God's Light.

Then it happened. Words cannot describe it. But I will try.

The "program" I downloaded earlier began to run. I guess I left my body, and I know--I mean I absolutely, positively KNOW that I went into the presence of the Living God. Every perception I ever had, every sense I ever felt before, in all my life, was a vague, half-remembered dream compared to the overwhelming power and clarity of what I felt then.

I was swimming in an ocean of pure Love. An ocean so vast, and so deep, and so beautiful, a mortal mind can't fathom it. And I knew I was born to swim in that ocean. It was the reason God created me...to swim in that beautiful ocean of Love, forever and ever.

Knowledge and understanding appeared instantly, fully formed in my mind. Feelings blew across me like wind. And God helped me look back again.

The souls who died in that war, they ran up a huge rainbow, straight toward me and they were SO happy! It felt like graduation day, a perfect June morning on a beautiful campus at one of our finest universities. Here come the elite students, graduating with highest honors from the toughest course in all human experience. They VOLUNTEERED for this demanding curriculum. They were proud to be picked, and now they've passed with flying colors. Joy is what they're feeling today. A chorus of a million angels sings that joy out loud. In perfect harmony, heaven sings along.

Those beautiful souls crowded around me, like little kids in an Asian marketplace, eager, happy, and thrilled. Only this time, I was the kid with a tear-stained face, and they consoled ME. (God really tricked me, turning my dearest memory of Asia inside-out, to open up my heart.)

And here is what they told me: Don't worry about us. Don't grieve for us. We asked for our "life assignments" before we were born. We agreed to die in that war because our sacrifice will help the consciousness of the whole planet advance much faster than it otherwise would. Our souls get "extra credit" from God for doing it, and we can grow by leaps and bounds.

We're honor students now. Our future's so bright, we gotta wear shades!

When things get very dark here on earth, it's then, just on the other side of the veil, that heaven's light is shining its brightest. No matter how bad things look, never forget that everything..every single thing that ever happens here on earth is designed to help souls grow. Everything, and especially shadow lessons, are a perfect unfoldment of Divine Love.

God said, I will be with you always, even unto the end of the world. Everywhere, every moment, in darkness and light, in good times and bad.

ALWAYS. Forever and ever. Amen.

When I woke up, my pain and grief were gone. I was healed. And my life would never be the same again. My life used to work from the outside in. Now it works from the inside out. Instead of working and pushing to make things happen, I stay in peace and love and trust, and God moves things.

Not long afterward, a small miracle brought me my inheritance: over 100 letters to and from my Great-grandfather. He was a combat medic in the Civil War (1862-1865.) His path is my path. His truth is my truth.

I soon broke up with my girlfriend, because I knew, I just KNEW that my soul-mate was not far away. All I had to do was find her. While searching, I had some fine adventures, and I eventually found her. She had a NDE of her own, many years ago. Now she works in hospice nursing, to help dying patients have a loving, peaceful transition. She has the most amazing heart I ever found in all my life. Her love reminds me of God's love.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 1, 2003 - 10:38 pm:

I had undergone open-heart surgery 2 days prior to replace the Aortic Root. The surgery had gone well and I was out of the ICU in 16 hours. I had started to feel real crappy by the end of the 2nd day and was not able to sleep at all that night despite the drugs given. I had a feeling of dread and panicked every time I caught myself about to dose of. Like falling asleep at the wheel of a car. I developed A-fib as a result of the surgery and I already had SVT prior to the surgery. The panic attacks triggered serious arrhythmia of various types. I had never felt so sick and weak in my life. Around noon on day 3 a nurse came into my room and told me she needed to show me some exercises that I would need to do at home when I got out in 2 days. I have 2 sisters that are nurses and they were there with me to see that everyone did their job. The three of them faced me on one side of my bed and I was asked to sit up on the edge of the bed. Immediately my heart stared racing, going faster and faster but not in coordinated beats. In the process of telling them that I was not feeling good I had a cardiac arrest. The official time before resuscitation was 4 min. 27 sec.

The Event

I was in an endless corridor. The walls sloped away as they rose on both sides. The walls were covered with moving images that I could not clearly make out as I could only see them in my peripheral vision. I was moving faster and faster. I clearly remember the feeling of acceleration like taking off in a plane only much more intense and none ending. Absolutely no fear, in fact I was feeling better and better. I heard my 6-year-olds voice call for her daddy. I barley heard it but I turned to try and look back when suddenly I was looking up at the faces of the code team. I tried to strike the doctor and nurse that were closest. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with dread. I can only describe it, as the feeling one gets when they have to leave someone they love after a visit is over only much more intense. I knew that I had died without anyone telling me. I tried to explain the experience all the way back to the ICU. It kept replaying it over and over in my mind like a loop tape. I could not get rid of the feeling of dread. Like I knew that I just missed out on the best event ever to come my way.

As it turned out. It was luck that I arrested when I did because it kept me in the hospital as I battled for my life several more times. I was given last rites 3 times in the following days. I spent 20 days in the ICU. I would have died at home. The desire to live and to die kept changing places in my mind for some to come. I don't tell as many people about the NDE as I used to because I will never be able to describe the incredible emotional feeling. Also it has become sort of a gift that bears guarding.
I was able to give some peace in the last days of 2 friends and their families after.

Now it is harder to remember it as I use to and would like to.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 4, 2003 - 09:46 pm:

It was so much during the time. At the time, I could hear voices. And, just see white.

I had taken an overdose of over 150 antidepressants and sleeping tablets.

And, I have always assumed the voices I have heard were my family around my hospital bed. However since then, I have on occasion experienced severe de’ja vu. And on numerous occasions realize that a moment I am experiencing I have dreamt before.

I have also had severe feelings that things are going to happen and they have. I have never had dreams that show me the future or anything like that it is more suggestion and feelings.

I have experienced dreams, which have seemed meaning less to me but, has had international consequences.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, June 4, 2003 - 09:07 am:

Remember as a small child trying to think back as far as possible to my earliest recollections. It was the sensation of speeding (through space?) and hearing or thinking the words "At last." Felt as though I was emerging from an eternity of black nothingness.

Recently I went to the home page of a website with computer graphics showing what it is like moving through the tunnel. I was fascinated for quite a while because it resembled so closely what I first experienced. A kind of re-experience!

Now realize that although I have not had a NDE I've probably had a near birth experience and the tunnel properties of both are similar.

Less skeptical now about some of the NDE accounts.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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