NDE Accounts

Archive through February 09, 2003

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 9, 2003 - 12:41 pm:

I was at home, ill with hepatitis. I had been running a very high temperature for about two weeks, feeling very nauseous, off all food, drinking very little, feeling generally very lethargic, and was jaundiced.

I remember waking in the middle of the night. I was aware that the bed linen was saturated (feverish sweats). All the pain, nausea etc had gone. I felt so completely at peace, both with myself, and the world around me. It was a physical presence. The feeling of utter contentment surrounded me...you could reach out and touch it. At the end of my bed was a door ( normally it was a fireplace). The door was open just ajar. Through the gap in the door was the brightest light, but you could look straight at it....it didn't dazzle you. It was very welcoming. I knew I just had to go through the door, I didn't question why there was a door there, or what was beyond it. I just knew I had to go through it. Then I thought of my parents in the next room, and thought I must go and say goodbye to them as I wouldn't be there in the morning, and I didn't want them to worry.

I turned from the door with the light to go through my bedroom door to see my parents when it all went dark. The door with the light, and all the feelings of peace etc just went. I fell back on the bed in pain, and just feeling so ill, and knew I should have just gone to the other door. I would have done anything to get back the feelings of peace again.

For many years I thought I had had the most vivid dream. I still remember it with extraordinary clarity, but had never spoken about it. Then one day there was a program about near death experiences. Everyone was leaving their bodies, and floating up to the ceiling looking down at themselves. Then a woman came on and related her experience. It was so similar to mine. I couldn't believe it.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, February 6, 2003 - 06:01 pm:

Introductory note:
I wrote this down around three years ago after a business meeting. The subject came up quite by chance when, I recalled my NDE which happened in 1964. Although I had frequently thought about the incident in the intervening years, I am absolutely positive that nothing has clouded my memory to obscure the facts.
I am sorry if the style appears literary - I had intended to offer it for publication in a magazine, but never bothered. I must stress that nothing in it has been sensationalized to clinch a sale.


I was undergoing basic training in the Army. One of the guys there said he could make anyone faint. Now, I had never fainted in my life before although, obviously I had seen others faint, and grew curious. Being young, I felt ready for the experience.

I crouched down, breathing deeply, for 30 seconds. Then I had to take one deep breath and put my thumb in my mouth while the guy hauled me up and hugged me tightly from behind as I slipped effortlessly back to the floor. My eyes opened and I looked up at my fellows staring down at me, smiling.

It was a novelty. Others tried it. Then, after a space of about half an hour, someone came into the room and expressed interest in the exercise but was unsure. I was keen to try it again, and asked the fellow if we could do it again to demonstrate it to the newcomer.

This time it was very different.

My body slipped slowly to the floor, and everything became dark. I turned to my right and saw, alone in the cold gloom, a stranger who stared back at me in surprise. He was tall, perhaps a little older than me, and had not expected me to see him.

"Don't worry, everything's going to be all right," he said as he approached, and stood behind me. I felt as if I were being raised up, and looked down and saw my lifeless form. "They've killed me," I thought. "They've killed me. I've got to have them punished." I wanted to pierce them all with my anger.

"No, you can't do that," replied the stranger, soothingly. "You see, it really doesn't matter now. You'll understand soon enough."

I looked again at the lifeless form. I could now actually see right inside the body - the lungs, the alimentary system, all perfectly designed and fitting cleverly together. Whoever designed the human body was a genius, I thought.

I turned around, and looked up at the stranger. He now assumed a dark, golden countenance; and now I saw that he had wings - huge brown wings, flecked with yellow feathers, that flanked the whole of his form. "But I can't die yet. I'm so young," I thought.

Then I looked down and saw a family of middle-aged people whom I recognized as my mother and her sisters, weeping. "He was a silly fool," said an anonymous voice from somewhere behind me. "He shouldn't have done that. And he never achieved anything in his life.""Oh, I don't know," I said defensively. "He was quite a nice person - and I was just getting to like him.""That's not important now," said the stranger's voice. "We must go."

Suddenly I was being propelled across a vast distance - I dare not look straight ahead, but I remember looking at the wall flashing past me as I sped along some kind of tunnel.

Then, at the other end of this journey, I felt a most beautifully reassuring sense of calm. I looked down at myself in my new form; I had taken on a golden glow. I did not need to walk; I floated. Everything about me was love, goodness and warmth. Suddenly, I felt as if I had been given access to the total knowledge of the universe; I stared at a huge dark wheel, containing stars and other celestial bodies, which slowly revolved. A deep voice spoke slowly, but I could not make out what it was saying.

Then I was at some kind of entrance; a man stood in authority at the gate; he had black, tight curls and his face seemed somehow familiar. "You weren't expected," he said. His lips did not move; our conversation was entirely telepathic."Well, I'm here now," I replied, a little surprised that my lips did not need to move either.
"You can't come in," he said. Then, turning to the stranger who had accompanied me all the way here, he asked, "Why did you bring him here? You know it wasn't the time." "I was just as surprised," my companion answered.
"Now look here, I demand to be admitted." I was quite defiant to the gate-keeper. "I have arrived and I am not going to go away." He said something about asking higher authority, and instructed us to wait.

To my left was a warm golden light. My companion, at my right, pointed ahead and I saw a group of children, absolutely perfect in appearance, totally absorbed in some kind of lesson. Their teacher was further to the left, outside my line of vision. Some of the young people saw me and quickly came over and surrounded me. They were utterly delighted to see me, and I felt overjoyed to meet them.

The gate-keeper returned. "You can't stay. You'll have to go back." "But I can't. I'm dead." "It's not usual, but we can take you back. Say goodbye to these people."

The children - and I - were devastated at this news. I heard at least one of them groan. My companion saw my intense disappointment. "Don't worry," he reassured me. "You'll see them all again, soon enough." The gate-keeper turned to me again. "Now you must promise never to attempt to come here again. This is very important." "Oh, all right," I agreed, half-heartedly. "No, this is serious." He turned to my companion and asked him to fetch two people whom I would know.

Two elderly women came. I recognized them as both my grandmothers; they had died some five or six years previously. My father's mother looked grim; my mother's mother was pleased to see me but, at the gate-keeper's bidding, was quite firm in her tone: I had to promise solemnly not to try to return. I agreed.

Once more, I stood in front of the great dark disk again; as the stars and shapes slowly revolved, a deep voice said slowly: "Your time has not yet come."

Then I felt all the wisdom which I had suddenly gained was being forced out from me; I knew I could not take this knowledge back with me, but was concerned that I might lose what limited intelligence I already had before I "died".

And, once again I was in the long tunnel, feeling the wind against my cheek as I looked away and saw the long wall rushing past me.

I awoke, prostate on the floor. I felt as if I had received an electric shock, and needed to collect my thoughts. Bewildered, I looked around me. I was back. I was 17 again, with a whole life ahead of me. A long life, it seemed, before I was due to return to that wonderful place. How would I have the patience to wait so long. Immediately, a feeling of acute depression enveloped me.

My barracks room companions looked down, laughing at me. "You took half a minute or so to wake up! We thought you'd gone to sleep!"

I got up and walked thoughtfully across to my bed and sat quietly on it for the remainder of that evening, quietly reflecting on the experience; echoing in my mind were the faces and voices of the disappointed young people, the revolving disc and the Voice: "Your time has not yet come."

Twelve years later, my young son and daughter were playing one evening and it was time for me to put them to bed. My son turned and looked at me, smiling; my daughter sighed. In the golden twilight I recognized his look and her sigh immediately. They were two of the young people I had seen in my near-death experience.

Then, 35 years after the experience, I received another reminder. It was 1999, and I was in the middle of a routine business meeting with a young woman in my office in London. Although I had never met her before, it quickly became apparent that she was quite forthright in her approach with people. Suddenly, she turned to me and said, "I know this is quite irregular, but can I ask if you believe in the supernatural?" I replied that I kept an open mind.
"I have some psychic abilities," she continued. "There's a man - a spirit - standing beside you, and he's getting very impatient with me. But he assures me that you'd listen." "Has he got anything to tell me?"
"Yes," she replied. "Your time has not yet come. He says you'd know what it means."

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, February 5, 2003 - 10:18 pm:

I was in hospital following a gynecological repair operation. I had discovered that my husband was having an affair.
My son was just 3 months old. It caused me to have a prolapsed. I was desperately unhappy.

I was admitted into hospital when my son was just over a year old for the repair to be done. Seven days after the operation I started to hemorrhage very badly from the operation; blood was dripping on the floor by the bed. Nurses started rushing about and a doctor was called. I heard someone say 'hurry up get a line in' they could not seem to do this. I was told to keep very still, my life was in danger.

I passed out and came to above my body in the operating theatre; they were still trying to get some fluid into me and calling for blood to be brought in. I saw a great light, it totally surrounded me, no tunnel, just the light, shapes merging into people who were calling me saying, “come on”, “come with us”. I stayed for some time and then I seemed to hear my daughter and son calling me and I said I had to go back.

I was then back over my body and they were saying, “has someone called the husband” and someone else said “yes”. I tried to tell them not to bother I did not want him, but I could not make myself heard. I then came to back in the ward and a lovely large black woman was giving me a drink and saying, “you’re alright honey”.

A few days passed and I was very weak. My husband did come to see me and then, went back to his job some distance away.

Almost exactly a week after the first time, it happened again. The hemorrhage and being rushed into the operating theatre. Again, I was above my body and this time did not want to come back at all. I went with the light and so wanted to stay there and talk to the people I was meeting. I was told that I had to either stay or go back and look after my children and husband and find a way to helping people. To listen to what they said, and to be open to any new thoughts and feelings that would be given to me.

Again, I woke up back on the ward with the same black woman looking after me, who again said “your alright honey”. I was told when I asked who she was that there were no black people working there at that time. I have always wished that I could have thanked her properly. It was over a year getting over the whole of this experience.

It is only now many years later that I am beginning to understand what was wanted of me and am beginning to open up and slightly understand that all the horrendous times I have lived through since have brought me greater understanding of the world that we live in.

I hope that this is of some use to you.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, February 2, 2003 - 09:16 pm:

I was admitted to the Hospital on 07/16/01. This was the same Hospital my father (81) , had died in on 07/10/01. I was in Oregon.

Following his funeral on 07/13/01, I was awoke on Monday morning the 16th by my own moaning. I was experiencing severe abdominal pain and pressure that increased in intensity until, I finally allowed my oldest son and my nephew to take me to emergency. They immediately pumped me full of morphine and poked and prodded until deciding it must be my gallbladder. The ER surgeon finally had me admitted and I was scheduled for an exploratory scope Tuesday morning. I barely remember being taken to my room.

Sometime in the night I remember a nurse waking me up to tell me to shut up "other patients were trying to sleep". I remember clearly thinking “like I have any control over my moaning". I feel sometime in the early hours of Tuesday July 16 2001 (I am awaiting records to verify) I either crashed or my vitals got very bad.

What I remember are like small mini films of certain episodes. I’ve remembered more and more with time and the memories are no longer so emotional. For a long time, I couldn't even talk about some of them without bawling. The most vivid and troubling was when I was being transferred from gurney to table or vice-versa and I chilled worse than words can describe. I chilled so quickly and completely it felt like my very core had turned to ice. My family and friends have liked to blame everything on the morphine and other drugs. I know without a doubt what I remember actually happened.

I did not lead the best life previously, like most people I did not think I was a bad person, but I had used and abused alcohol and drugs for years, so functioning "under the influence" was certainly not new to me. I also have had over 10 surgeries (5 knee surgeries alone) that involved general anesthetics so I was no rookie on the operating table either.

I remember it took several people to straighten me out from the fetal position. While I know without a doubt I was experiencing more pain than I ever had before, I still do not remember the actual feeling (thank God). My next episode involved the air tube. I regained enough consciousness to clamp down on the tube with my teeth for all I was worth as they were trying to take it out. They kept telling me to relax and it would be over much faster, so I did. I then remember thinking, "gosh they were right" then the thought, clear as day, entered my mind that after all the real life trauma shows I’ve watched on TV, now I was the show. I also remember the surgeon, whose name was Sandra, explaining to me how it was going to be a lot worse than they first thought. As it turned out I was full of peritonitis from a perforation they never found. This is why I think I coded sometime in the night. Upon my return to Tacoma I ended up being diagnosed with chrons disease.

While I don't have a lot of the experiences that other nder’s have had. I do still have a very unsettling feeling of darkness, such ungodly bitter cold, like a large void and an utter feeling of hopelessness. I am still a little leery to remember too much more as I was not headed for a good place. As to "why me" I feel absolutely that it was all the positive energy (all of our communities prayers) that were sent out on my behalf that drew attention to my plight.

I remember such a peaceful/serene feeling for the few days following surgery and I just blew it off to the morphine pump and boy were they encouraging me to use it. Well, I can't think of much else right now except for the wonderfully positive effect this has had on my life. Confusing, yes but, God for the fist time in 20 years, IT'S GREAT TO BE ALIVE.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, January 29, 2003 - 02:06 pm:

Since I was a very small child I struggled with what I came to know much later in life as the aftereffects of an NDE. I was an only child, and both my parents were 20 years old when I was born. At 19 I learned that my mother had aborted 2 pregnancies prior to my being born.

As a child I was extremely shy and had great difficulties relating to anyone - even some family members - on any level whatsoever. I always felt very different, out of place, and was confused by the many paradoxes and contradictions of the world around me. I suffered from allergies and asthma and was sick quite often. Up until entering high school I had very few close friends. I didn't look any different than anyone else, I was never bullied or picked on in any way, other children just didn't know how to relate to me nor I to them. Most of the time I preferred the company of adults. This has changed since I've reached adulthood - I am now able to relate much better to children and find it very difficult to connect with other adults.

I did very well in school with little effort. Throughout my school years, including college, I never knew "what I wanted to be" in adulthood. No one profession or occupation ever stood out. Most of my working life has been spent figuring out through trial and error what I DIDN'T want to do for a living. Since I was a small child I have been fascinated with the concept of UFOs/alien beings. I read everything I could find on the subject and was not able to understand why more people weren't concerned about it. I was never really into science fiction of any type - I just wanted actual case studies and facts. I have never had a close encounter, abduction, or anything of that nature happen to me.

On a Wednesday morning in February 1995 I woke up with the most horrible case of nausea I've ever experienced. I didn't have the flu or any other illness, and I was not prone to stomach problems. For the next 3 days I was unable to eat anything due to the nausea. At the time my mother-in-law was living with my wife and I. She had just divorced from my father-in-law after nearly 30 years of marriage. My father-in-law suffered from depression. I was able to connect with him as he, like me, did not seem to fit well in this world. He had difficulty relating to others socially, but he had a brilliant mind.

On the following Saturday, my wife and I returned home from an antique show. My mother-in-law informed us that my father in-law had been found dead in his home. She said that he had committed suicide by running a rubber tube from the exhaust pipe into his car, rolled up the windows, started the car, laid down in the back seat, and died. Although horrified at hearing this, the nausea vanished. Days later we discovered that the autopsy showed he had probably died either Tuesday night or Wednesday morning. Even more ironically, during the time I suffered from the nausea I picked up my wife's copy of "Embraced by the Light". I had no previous interest in the subject of NDEs, and I even made light of the whole thing when my wife bought the book. The whole episode got my attention, and I became increasingly interested in the phenomenon.

In 2001 after enduring a string of personal crises, I read PMH Atwaters "Beyond the Light". I was deeply moved by the personal NDE accounts the book contained and elected to research deeper. I discovered IANDS, and through IANDS I found that the closest group to me was located in Columbus, OH. I called the organizer, Nancy Clark, to inquire about the group. I indicated I myself was not an experiencer but, felt great empathy for those I read about. I attended the next meeting despite my wife's objections. The group is small, but very diverse. It surprised me how many members were not experiencers. For the first time in my life I felt deeply connected as if I truly belonged. The group discussed things openly and open-mindedly I had never had the opportunity to before. After the meeting I sat in my car and openly wept. I had never experienced anything which touched my heart the way the group did.

During the following months I prayed daily for God to reveal to me my mission. In prayer I made it clear to God that I would accept this mission, whatever it was, and do his will. My mother lives near Columbus, so I would visit with her and my step-father on the weekends of the meetings. My mother asked to attend one of the meetings with me. She attended the June meeting with me and was intrigued, but she felt she wouldn't get much out of continuing attending.

Three days after we'd gone to the meeting, my mother called me and asked why I was going to the IANDS meetings in the first place. I told her I never had an NDE but, I could relate and connect with those who had. She wondered if this had anything to do with what happened when I was a baby. I had no idea what she was referring to.

My mother went on to relate how, at 14 months, in January 1967 I had a severe allergic reaction to something, and she had to take me to the hospital. The roads were very icy. She came to a bridge which was closed due to the ice. She had to be escorted across the bridge by local police. Upon arrival at the hospital, I was taken to the emergency room. My father, a state trooper, arrived shortly thereafter. After 15-20 minutes, a doctor came to my parents and advised them there was nothing more that they could do - I was dead. He told them I was dead on arrival and had probably died enroute to the hospital. My father would not accept this. He had the doctor take him to my body. My father then began performing CPR despite the doctor's insistence it would be to no avail. The doctor assisted my father, and moments later I revived. After remaining hospitalized for several days the doctor expressed his astonishment that I had not sustained any brain damage or any other ill effects. I was released without needing further treatment.

I nearly dropped the phone as my mother told me this. She said she just assumed I knew. From that moment so many things in my life suddenly made sense. I now knew who I was and, while I still feel like an outsider in many respects, I have an understanding of why and the feelings of alienation are gone. Words are inadequate to describe what I think and feel, but I am blown away by it all, grateful to God, and I cry every time I think about how all this came about. It is not important to me that I have no memory of the NDE itself, and I honestly don't try too hard to remember.

At the next IANDS meeting I told Nancy Clark what my mother had told me, and she was not surprised. She had been contacted recently by the Cleveland Public Library requesting she give a presentation on NDE's in the near future. She asked me to do it, I accepted, and I gave the presentation. In college I had dropped speech class 3 times before finally completing the course due to my extreme discomfort with speaking in front of groups. Nancy and I decided it would be a great idea for me to establish an NDE group in Northeast Ohio. I am working on that now, and I am convinced that is my mission. I am very thankful to have been touched by the grace of God. I consider my experience to be a gift, and I intend to use it to help others find their way.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 09:13 pm:

I have Esophogeal Varices, apparently from alcohol related circosis. I blew out Varices a total of 9 times. All happened within a 2 year period.
I was told I would not survive if I continued to drink, and very possibly if I quit drinking and took many BP related meds. I have a Medical Background. In between the 8th and 9th Bleeds, I decided that I was ready to die, and was no longer afraid to do so.

My wife had told me after my 2nd bleed, that I had a lot of nerve to leave her with a 14 year old boy to raise by herself, and that had not been her understanding of things between us, and "I had another thing coming, if I thought that was fair"

When I bled again, I WAS ready to go, and should have died on the helicopter enroute to the Med Center. I did not.

But after arrival, I could feel life slipping away, and thought, well Now is the time. I was so very cold. And, once I thought I was dying, the lights were getting dimmer and dimmer (I knew what that meant). I felt comfortable, and the pain all went away (the worst back and stomach pain ever). I no longer noticed the cold. Anyway, the voice of my wife went through my head along with some of my life experiences. Once my wifes voice got to the "fair" part, I realized that it was truly unfair of me to go without attempting to stay. With all my strength, I was not happy about it, but ones word is all one has. So, I fought back.

It was the worst 15-20 hours of my life. The Pain. The Cold, (much of that from cold blood infusion, 4 pts at a time) And, the stomach pain after emergency esophageal surgery, was all never-ending. Several times, I considered letting the Dark back in, but could no longer let it come.

I survived the experience, and stopped drinking alcohol at all. There was much depression, and terrible weakness. It was 3 months before I rode the motorcycle I promised myself, if I fought and lived.

So, I'm here, helping raise my son, and enjoying my wifes company. Riding my motorcycle is my only completely "at Peace" time I have. I do enjoy my computer, and when I can get around, I work on computers and sell a few to my previous customers only. (I owed them, but I never promised to live for them)

So, I consider this a Near Death experience, although I never felt that I left my body. It was just dying around me. I do believe that had I not had a change of heart, and put all effort into staying, that I would not have lived, and might not have anyway. A heart rate of over 200 for 8 hours WILL kill you. I did not even have a heart attack. My specialist decided that I did NOT have arteriosclerosis, since I did not have a blockage.

I am not joyous about it, and have disappointment that I have not recovered more energy, since. I am as good as I am going to get. Quads hit a similar wall, when they realize that it isn't gonna get any better. Just something else to deal with.

I have, however, kept my word, and my son is now 19.
Since I have such Peace when riding my motorcycle, it allows me to take life one day at a time.

I hope this helps someone, if nothing else, to determine that I did Not have what y'all call a NDE.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 08:51 pm:

Was going 40 miles per hour on a narrow two lane road with no shoulders (5pm Sept 8, 1993), just guard rails. A car in front of me, about 150 feet was hit by on coming car crossing the double yellow. After they collided the oncoming car that was put in a spin headed right for me. I figured, I had slowed to 20 to 25 mph at impact. The spinning car was probably going at least 25 mph when it hit me.

I had thrown my self to the floor of the passenger side, seat belt wrenched me, gave me a baseball sized bruise. Knee hit under dash, neck and lower back hurt. Nine months of physical therapy 3 nights per week, 3 hours each time.

I was taken to the hospital in an ambulance. Was prescribed painkiller and sent home that night.

I took painkiller and tried to sleep on the couch. I felt so tired. Never in my life did I feel so tired. But, I could not sleep because, everytime I closed my eyes, I saw the car spinning and coming at me. I took another painkiller for the pain was still bad. I was not thinking right and took a glass of wine to help me sleep.

I would say as soon as I finished drinking it, I was at the ceiling looking down at myself. I saw me sleeping and saw all the furniture in the dark family room. I remember just looking and feeling just fine with being up above myself. After what seemed like a minute or so, I somehow got back in my body and woke. I found myself struggling for air like I had held my breath for a very long time. That’s it. Thanks for reading.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 28, 2003 - 08:39 pm:

In 1991, I woke up and experienced severe pain in my side; I was unable to move due to the pain. My father found me in this way, and immediately took me to the emergency room.

Once there, I remember lying on a gurney in the emergency room. All of the doctors had gone to check on other patients. My father was there with me.

The next thing that I knew, I was "floating" above the gurney, looking down at myself and my father. My father started yelling for the doctors, and he was shaking me, trying to get me to come back.

Later he told me that he didn’t know if I had died or just passed out from the pain.

When my dad was shaking me, it immediately brought me back into myself on the gurney. I was kind of mad. I didn’t feel like anything was wrong. While I was "hovering" above myself, I felt none of the severe pain. The minute I went back, I was in intense pain again.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Saturday, January 25, 2003 - 09:08 pm:

I went to the hospital. I was 6months pregnant. I was not seen before this so, I had no idea what was about to take place. I was in hard labor. The doctors tried to stop it with medicine but it continued. They x-rayed my stomach and said that I was pregnant with twins and that the chord was wrapped around one of the baby’s leg and around the other babies neck. So, it would be safer for me to have a c-section. They put me under. I slowly stopped hurting.

It was so nice, a bright light. I traveled down a tunnel. A bright light was at the end. That’s when I saw my grandmother, she smiled at me and took my hand. That’s when I saw myself on the table.

They were cutting on me but I couldn't feel a thing. As we continued to watch, they pulled a baby out. It was a boy. The doctor gave the baby to the nurse while he continued to try to deliver the other baby. The baby boy cried and, the doctor told the nurse to take the baby up to the next floor. Then he pulled the next baby out and she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck. She was very small, unlike her sibling who looked like he was a very good size baby!

I then watched the doctor clean me and sew me back up. My grandmother said that I must go back. I told her that I did not want to go. But, she said I had a job waiting for me. I went back.

I laid for two weeks. When I woke up, I asked my husband where the babies were and he said I only had a little girl. I told him he was wrong. He said, I just dreamed everything. Then when that hospital got busted for black marketing babies, I still couldn't prove anything but, I know my grandmother and I know the real truth!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, January 19, 2003 - 08:12 pm:

I had been drinking heavily for days, with little or no sleep. I felt horrible about myself and had given up hope. I wanted to die.

I had a business, my child and all the material things I wanted at the time. My esophagus was starting to rupture. I had an ulcer and I was so past drunk that no amount of alcohol could make me feel drunk and the thought of the hangover if I quit drinking unnerved me. I was desperate.

After a night of drinking I passed out and woke up an unknown time later in my room on my bed, around morning. I tried to get up but my heart was pounding fiercely and I was passing out. I tried several times to get up thinking that I just needed to drink a beer or some wine to get to feeling better. I was feeling worse than I have ever felt before, like I was having the worst hangover of my life. But, I did not care about getting up to get a drink after a time and I was just lying there.

To my left there came clouds and bright white, orange and golden light. I turned my head and there came a man out of these clouds, with other beings behind him a short distance away. He was wearing an orange and rust colored robe over a cream colored robe. (Like Jesus). I remember thinking that the colors were not what I would have expected. This man had collar length brown hair and a closely trimmed beard and mustache. The most remarkable feature about him was his eyes. The thought of his eyes brings me to tears sometimes. They were very large and very brown and he seemed to speak through them of supreme compassion, patience, indescribable love, joy and a complete acceptance of me just the way I was. I also felt that I had and always had his complete devotion and attention. He simply looked at me and though he did not speak, he asked me, "Do you want to come with us now, or stay and fix your life?" Then he just waited, smiling at me, gazing at me, while I considered the question and my life. There was so much I wanted to do and I thought of my daughter. I was very aware that if I had wanted to go with him it would have been an acceptable choice to him, but the decision was mine. At the moment of my decision to stay and fix my life I was aware that I was never alone and that I would have all the help I needed to get through my life and do what I needed to do. I remember the certainty of that and an overwhelming presence of God and of this man that was looking at me with such total love. It felt like my soul expanded with every second in his presence. When I told him (without words) that I wanted to stay, he smiled, beamed, at me and turned around and walked back into the clouds.

I was able to get up with no heart pounding or hangover, and made phone calls to my mother, who called a woman in AA to talk to me. I called an AA center and talked to a friend of mine who happened to answer the phone. This friend of my mom's and the friend of mine told me how to taper off the alcohol to help me with the withdrawals. I asked my mother to come over and she did. I was 'sober' for about 20 minutes to do all of this and then, I spent the next 5 days in and out of consciousness having very bad withdrawals. But, I remembered the man and the promise that I would have the strength and the help I needed. On the fifth day I went to my first AA meeting, August 28, 1989 and have been sober ever since, remembering that I am not alone and that I chose to be here to 'fix my life'.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, January 19, 2003 - 07:59 pm:

I remember, seeing the light from a flashlight in my face, shouting and the sound of my raspy breathing.

It was nighttime. Then I remember dropping my pink bunny doll in a parking lot, I was being carried quickly in my mother's arms.

Next, I was above my body, seated with legs crossed, my arms around my knees watching 'the body' and a doctor and some nurses around the body. I felt something I can only describe as compassion and mild curiosity and pity at the same time. I saw the people working on me, but did not understand what they were doing. I heard someone say, "We've lost her."

And then, my attention turned to where I was. I was in a dark place, on the edge of that place and the room below. I felt deep peace and no fear at all or desire to return to my body. I had the sense of a Great Presence coming towards me, and could see some people in the distance walking slowly towards a bright glow. I knew that I was not to join them. The Presence grew closer and I felt an indescribable love, compassion and joy wash over me.

Then, I knew with no words exchanged that I was being gently sent back to my body, to my life. I accepted this and protested it in the same instant and was immediately aware of entering my body feet first through my head. It hurt physically and spiritually, like I was being squeezed into a space much too small for my spirit and I heard the sound of myself taking a breath like a swimmer breaking the surface of the water.

I remember nothing more about that night except that, I felt a deep compassion for other people afterwards. And, a sense of how big we all are, spiritually. I have always remembered the strength, love and gentleness of God. A certain sense of humor, and the peacefulness of being in His presence.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 14, 2003 - 07:10 pm:

I had Histoplasmosis and was given an antibiotic that I was allergic to. My children were ages 4 and 6 and I was a full time welder. I felt myself dying from the feet up going numb and fighting to breathe.

An ambulance was called but there was no time my husband took me to Hospital. Your hearing is last to go as I heard the ER resident screaming "she is dying her BP is 40 by palpation, I don't know what to do"

I left my body and I don't know why I was laughing at him he looked like Oliver Hardy. I went in the waiting room and saw my Mom and kids, my poor daughter had stepped on a cactus getting out of the truck and Mom was helping her get the thorns from her foot. Mom was crying and when my daughter asked why she was crying she told her "Oh, I burned the pot roast and papa will be mad at me" I felt so light and free I laughed again.

Suddenly the brightest, most intense tunnel of light pulled me toward it and I heard my Uncle Al Long whistling and I headed up the tunnel. I felt lighter than air, like love was circling all around me and I was a moth being drawn to that loving light. Suddenly a voice I can only describe in my Christian Religion as Jesus told me I had 2 babies to raise and I could not leave them. I felt like a big hand "pushed" me back into my body and I landed with a "thud" and was very angry for a while.

Now it seems to have happened again, it is slowly coming back to me, I had a cardiac catheterization January 3, 2003. I started having reperfusion pain when a stint was installed into a coronary artery. The pain was severe and I heard the tech say I was in an arrhythmia. I was begging for something for pain and then I "blacked" out. Next I remember I saw the tunnel of light but my mother was walking down stairs in the tunnel to me and my father was with her. I am remembering this slowly just as I did in 1980 and I am crying a lot as I just lost mother last year and she told me something and I can't recall yet what it was. But, I felt their love for me.

Is it normal for it to take so long to remember?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 14, 2003 - 07:03 pm:

Now, this is before I smoked, cussed or even had indulged in the occasional alcoholic beverage.

I was the all American boy, and never did anything wrong. It was in the summer of 1987. It was hot that night, and I was coming home from a party with some friends. I came home and went upstairs to my room after saying goodnight to my parents. I went to bed with just a pair of shorts on, and slept on top of the covers of my bed. I do not know how long time passed but I started to get cold, so I tried to move to get the covers over top of myself, but my arms would not move. I tried to move but my body would not move either. The way I was laying in bed was in a prone position with my arms to my side. I noticed I could no longer feel my legs with my hands. I started to get nervous.

Then I noticed for the first time I could see the ceiling of my room and it was drawing closer. This started to freak me out so instinctually I turned my head around and saw myself lying on my bed with no covers on being completely still. This in a way was shocking but exciting as well. I turned my head back to the ceiling just as I was passing through it. I thought I would see the attic of my house but instead I was in a very dark, chilly, peaceful place. Once I was in this place I noticed Immediately how peaceful this place was. I try to explain this to people when I tell them this story like "Imagine the most peaceful place you have ever seen, then multiply that place a million times" (now most of those people never talk to me about it now, I guess they think I am making it up or that I am just nuts. Anyhow, there I was in this peaceful place and suddenly I felt a warm soothing heat on my right side. I turned to see a beautiful bright light beckoning me towards it. As I started towards it I realized what was happening. I then told myself "I am not ready Yet!"

As soon as I let the "t" out, I was jolted up from my bed. I let out a cry, and I could not stop crying for 20 minutes afterwards. As soon as I started crying my parents rushed in my room. They tried to console me, but did not understand what I just went through. Especially since I could not talk for 20 minutes.

After that experience I noticed a change in myself. I was no longer afraid of death. Actually I wanted to go back to that place. I never wanted to commit suicide, but I was on a road of self destruction. I started smoking and drinking and more sexual experience. I know one thing that I wanted to do is experience the most out of life as much as possible. I turned into a very sure of the moment kind of person. Which ever way the wind blew I was there from travel, parties, adventure, jobs and women. These experiences lasted until I realized that I was going to be a father in 1998.

I noticed that I had other "gifts" that still are around. Some more predominate now than when I was younger.

I noticed I was more in tune with emotions of other people. I knew what people were feeling before they even spoke a word. I could feel things around me. I notice people around me out of my peripheral vision sometimes. I see some of my relatives in my dreams just before I go into REM sleep. I have just recently and rarely started to hear voices, but are muffled so I really don't understand what they are saying. For the past couple of years I notice when I talk to God that I start to get chills up my spine and on the right hand side of my body that start at the top of head to the soles of my feet.

These things are common to me now.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 14, 2003 - 06:52 pm:

Diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 89, breast cancer in Feb. 93, I had a blood clot and cerebral hemorrhage on Easter Sunday of 93. Overnight I was in intensive care and on dilantin. When I awoke the next morning interns were making their rounds. After they were done talking with me, one stayed behind and told me something very profound, but to this day I don't recall what it was.

When they brought me up to my room I didn't recognize my husband and thought I was still living at my old address. I told him I had seen the angels while floating above a body. I didn't know who it was. I didn't find out about the out of body experience until last night, Jan. 7, 03 when my husband, Tom, told me. After I told him, I ordered a book on NDE. I must have blocked it all out. The medication might have had something to do with it.

I really became completely transformed and shocked while writing a book on my personal journey. After I was out of the hospital and during a doctor visit, I was told I shouldn't be here. I went home that night and had three dreams...each one more powerful.

I believe GOD has been guiding me all my life, I just wasn't aware of it until I started writing. I've been very intuitive and somewhat psychic all my life.

I now read the Bible I haven't read since JH school. The book I wrote involves an archeological excavation of a very important ancient rock shelter, and the 60ft. cross I came upon suddenly one night, while hunting for a shower after the day's dig.

Please take time to read about my three deep dreams. Visit "A Second Chance" at:


I have had cancer 3 times along with MS and thyroid disease and feel I'm here to help others.

Thank you for reading this!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 7, 2003 - 08:06 pm:

As a small child I drifted freely between the realm of the spiritual and physical realm. As young as the age of four, I can remember leaving my body when my mother put me to bed. My body would be in bed but, my spirit drifted freely through the house. From room to room I could see my siblings asleep in their beds, I soared down the hall into a darkened kitchen that filled me with fear. Still my spirit went there. I trembled for a moment until I was able to control my flight. Christmas Eve, at the age of 5, I drifted into the living room and observed the lights on the tree for some duration. I saw all the decorations we had prepared for the holiday, the stockings etc.

I told my mother of these experiences. She advised me to place a glass of water at my bedside at night. "This way my spirit could find it's way back to my body." For years I did this alongside my Bible. My mother was not a Christian but very familiar with the spiritual realm. My folks are descendents of the Louisiana voodoo culture. It was often believed that ancestors came with messages, gifts, and warnings. This spiritual activity was nothing unusual to my family. My Grandmother favored me at a young age. She spoke of gifts such as dream telepathy and supernatural powers inherited me through my ancestors.

Through my teenage years, I sought to leave these experiences behind. I was often visited by spirits of unknown origin. Some peaceful, some that left me restless and disturbed. Sometimes feeling almost assaulted sexually. I resided in a two-story home. It was a very large home. A balcony exceeded as an entrance for spirits to access. It was almost like a (Jacobs ladder) I could almost feel their flight onto it. When they entered, their presence was known. The feeling of thickness of "you're not alone."

I grew-up and had babies of my own. My daughter was a sleepwalker and spoke in her sleep of things that had not yet come to pass. In the year 1999 I became I’ll with a pre-existing heart condition. A bizarre tumor had grown in my lung and had been pressing against my heart. For many nights my spirit took flight headed straight for the heavens at tremendous speed. When the realization kicked-in the fear would jerk me back into my body. Soon, I slept in an upright position supported by pillows.

One week before the removal of the tumor, I laid on the sofa exhausted from a hard days work. I drifted off into sleep. During my sleep my spirit left again racing at enormous speed into the blue sky. It took me as high as the clouds. At first, I thought I was dreaming, I soon realized that I was dying. I thought about my young son and I panicked. What would happen to him? I was all he had and the grief would surely destroy him. My heart pumped hard and fast so that my whole body jerked with its beat. I realized that for a moment I had died, but my spirit was not ready to leave my son and it returned to my body.

After the surgery, I lost a Beloved friend from cancer of the liver. I had gone to see him in the hospital shortly before his death. I grieved deeply for him. As I tearfully drifted off into sleep, I asked, “Why didn’t he say goodbye”. My bed shook as if an earthquake had taken place. I was quickly awakened. The smell of his cologne filled my room so strongly. Only he wore that fragrance and I knew it was him. I got up from my bed to make sure no one had sprayed any perfume. The house was still, the children asleep. I spoke my peace and expressed my sadness over his loss. For a moment, I knew he understood and wanted to respond. Slowly his fragrance left the room, as if he just came to say goodbye.

Today, I sleep with a clear glass of water beside my bed.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 7, 2003 - 07:53 pm:

I had been bleeding internally from a surgery and had to have an emergency surgery. After this surgery I was in a coma for about 4 days. I came out of it, had units and platelets of plasma. I was gravely ill in intensive care, no one thought I would I would survive. I questioned it myself.

One day as I was lying in bed, I had difficulty breathing. The alarms went off and I had oxygen on and a doctor was there asking why I couldn't breath. There were a number of nurses in the room. Suddenly, I couldn't breath much at all. Then I felt a rush of freezing cold come over me, then incredible warmth, a feeling I really can't describe. I could see and hear the nurses and the doctor. One nurse was practically on top of me with the thing they pump over my mouth, yelling at me to come back. The doctor was shooting things into my IV. I didn't realize at the time that I had respitory failure then heart failure. All I knew was that I was safe and free from pain, not just physically but, emotionally as well. I only felt one emotion, pure comfort. Totally safe. No fear. I watched as they worked on my body. I knew there were others with me although I saw no one. I liked where I was, I didn't seem to feel the emotions we feel here. And I was still whole. It was me watching them work. All of me. As I said before, it is difficult to explain.

I awoke to a cardiologist opening my neck and placing a wire down into my heart, as he apologized for not having any painkiller because he said there wasn't time to get one.

This is where most people do not believe me although, most of the nurses did at the hospital. Some were afraid to come into my room in ICU. I returned, but I would say not alone. A man whom, I felt no fear, but safety with him there. He never once looked at me but, stood face forward between me and my monitors. And a girl, she was pretty, with long blonde hair in ponytails with pink feety pjs on. She stayed in the corner of my room and kept her eyes on me constantly. Again I felt no fear. When I would begin to have heart trouble, I would look at him and it would go back down.

I made what was considered a miraculous recovery. Once my heart and body were under control, my visitors were gone. I was at deaths door and two weeks later I was almost totally well. If you could have seen how bad off I was.

For me, I feel as if I have return with a re-newed spirit. Even different in some ways. I moved from my home with my children. I stopped talking with and seeing my old friends. Friends since middle school. And I don't miss them. I am able to be far more patient and compassionate to others than ever before. And I absolutely believe there is a God. No one can shake my faith in this.

Here is the part that disturbs me. I feel as though I have returned with answers to questions that I never asked. I am sure now that our sole purpose on earth is to learn to live, love and respect one another. I now follow the path that God has laid out for me. Nothing or anyone can deter me from this.

The hardest thing for me is that I was brought up a Christian. I never doubted always believed in the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. But, now, I no longer believe that Jesus was God or the Son of God. He was a gifted, faithful man, chosen perhaps to spread the work and word of God. But, not God. I am sure as well that my experience was not that of an evil power as you would easily feel and see if you met me. For obvious reasons I do not tell many people about this. Recently, I have found the need to learn about Judaism. This is so strange for me because I have always felt hostility towards Israel due to their policies and violence toward other humans. And today I believe that Judaism is the true religion. The truth that so many of us seek.

My entire life has changed. Where before happiness was so hard to find, it is all I know now. Anything I need comes to me. I feel blessed.

Another thing about this experience is I felt guilty when I returned because when I was there, I didn't miss anyone. Not my children, my Father, no one. I believe these painful emotions no longer exist when we move on. All I felt there was a total comfort, which is something you can never know physically here on earth. I no longer fear death although I do not consider it "death" any longer. It is the next step. My compassion is more for those who are left here. Feeling that of loss and despair.

Anyway. That is my story. Only the few believe me and that is ok with me. Because now I know the truth. I know I have a purpose in life.

Thank you for having a place that I can share this. It is such a huge part of my daily life. And no one can truly understand.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, January 7, 2003 - 07:39 pm:

Mine happened in 1963, when I was 8 years old. I had become very ill with flu-like symptoms and could not hold down any food or fluids for almost a week. I remember my mother calling the small hometown doctor on the phone with concern in her voice, but he always assured her, without seeing me, that it was just the flu. I will never forget the burning sensation when I vomited only yellow bile, something I believe the doctor was not told. Then, as days passed and I became weaker, my vomiting quieted down. Both of my parents worked and they needed to get back to their jobs, so toward the final days of my sickness I was left alone during the daytime.

On one of those afternoons I was desperate for a drink of water. Somehow I peeled myself away from the couch and steadied myself before taking small steps to the kitchen sink. That glass of water tasted better than nectar, but as I turned back to the living room my vision turned white and I passed out. I woke later on the kitchen floor and I have no idea how long I had been there. That evening I told my mother about the experience and she looked very worried. The next day I suddenly felt better and I even got up to play on the floor. I felt fine, but I was extremely pale, and my father insisted that I be taken to the doctor anyway. I'll never forget the look on the doctor's face when he put me on the examining table. One jab in my gut around the appendix told him all he needed to know. I remember the urgency in his voice as he told my mother to get me to the hospital immediately. My father's job had taken him out of town that morning and could not be contacted for several hours. My mother balked and the doctor insisted again that the situation was serious. He ordered an operation that very afternoon and I was taken to the hospital for admission.

The nurses worked quickly as they took off my clothes and shaved my belly. Mom was in and out of the room as she made phone calls to people who could help her contact my father. The hometown doctor came into the room to see me before the operation, and he introduced me to another doctor who was a surgeon. I didn't know it at the time, but the surgeon had driven 90 miles at high speed to help with the operation. The shaving was done, my mother told me not to worry, but she sounded scared, and I was wheeled into the operating room. Now I was scared and I started to cry. The nurses were a bit stern which made it worse. I detected a funny smell and complained about it. They lied and told me it was the rubber on the wheels of my gurney. They were preparing to put me out with ether. Soon a mask with a screen was put over my face. Then the screen was covered with a towel, and the ether was poured onto the towel. I was told to breathe deeply like I was blowing into a balloon as I coughed and cried. Soon my head swirled around my body like an orbiting planet and everything went black.

It was soon after everything turned black when I realized that I could think and wonder about where I was. The best interpretation my child-like mind could decipher was that I was floating alone in the vast, dark universe. Soon I saw wisps of cloud-like creatures flying about with ease. They began to fly past me as they twirled me around. I became frightened and they seemed to fly closer when they noticed my fear. I remember them taunting and giggling as they spun me around. I became so afraid that I cried out in fear, and I asked for it to end. Something then changed as I noticed that I was floating upward and away from the wisps; again I was alone in the universe as my fear subsided. Soon after I noticed I was floating upward to a large circular, cone-like formation that was dotted with sparkling stars. As I looked upward into it I could see it spinning, and the stars were more concentrated toward the smaller opening at the top. I floated upward as I gained momentum and soon I was at the top of the spiral tube where I hit a sort of barrier like a bubble that has come to rest against something that has trapped it.

I stayed there for a while and felt no need to move about. Then suddenly I felt something tugging on me from the other side of the barrier. I was grabbed by the arm and pulled through the barrier to the other side. I had been pulled through by a young man of about 25 years of age. He was very friendly and seemed surprised to see me. He didn't know who I was so he asked. I couldn't find my voice so I just stood there. Then a few other people came around to look at me. They were older people and very kind. They asked who I was, and I said my first and last name, which made them ask more questions. They said we were related, but they wanted to know who my father was. I again said my name, and I told them I was my father’s name. Then they seemed to gasp because they knew my father. The older people introduced themselves as my father's grandparents, and they were very gracious, very happy to meet me. The two grandmothers hugged me and made sure I understood that I was in a safe place because I was very confused as to what was happening. They introduced me to the young man who pulled me in. He was my father's cousin who died in the Korean War.

As I spent more time in this place I seemed to gain strength, and I realized that it was warm and comfortable. We were all surrounded in a white light that was very pleasant. I also noticed that we all had a bluish glow about us. They showed me some high-backed chairs that they often would sit in. The chairs looked somewhat like thrones to me. They showed me a chair that would someday be my fathers, and then they showed me a chair that they said could be mine if I would sit in it. I sat in it for a moment, but didn't want to get too settled in as I was curious and wanted to look around. Then they showed me generation upon generation of my father's family going back for hundreds of years, and each of the people they showed me was sitting in their chairs. They could be seen going back toward a more intense light like steps of a ladder. The older generation people did not come forward to greet me and I don't remember if they were able to acknowledge me. However, the more recent generations seemed to at least say hello.

At some point during my visit with my father's grandparents told me to wait for a moment because a very special person was coming to greet me. The person they wanted me to meet was an older woman who glowed brighter than the others. She too showed an incredible amount of love and affection for me, but hers was much more intense. This indeed was a very special woman. I was totally enveloped by this woman's love and felt completely at ease; much like an infant who has fallen asleep in the arms of their mother. She told me many things and I understood that the glowing light was the presence of God. She said that she was his messenger who was assigned to review my life. She had the ability to reach inside my mind and pull out the memories and events of my life, which we reviewed together like a flickering movie. She seemed pleased with what she saw until we came upon an event when I had been extremely angry with my older brother. We watched together as I walked behind and hit him over the head with a baseball bat. Steve cried real hard and she explained that hurting another like that was never acceptable. I was totally ashamed as she moved on to the rest of the review.

When the review was over, this special woman brought me back to my father's grandparents and said that it was time for me to make a decision. I could either stay there with them, or I could go back to finish my life. My two great-grandmothers tried to convince me to stay, and they encouraged me to sit in my chair again, which I did. But soon I was up and about again because I felt unsettled. Then the special woman told me that if I decided to stay my mother on earth would be very sad. I told them that I loved my mother and I didn't want her to be sad, so I wanted to return. One of my great-grandmothers protested and said that if I was sent back it could destroy me because life was so hard on earth. The special woman told her that my decision to return must be honored and I was brought back to the place where I had been pulled through. All of the relatives were talking at once and seemed real concerned for me. They instructed me to do my studies in school and to read my books. But at the same time they seemed to be telling me what my future would bring. I remember something said about writing a book, and that I would be married and have a little girl. I also remember some ugly things, like many tanks rolling over sand dunes in a war. All of these things have come true to some degree.

The young man who pulled me through in the first place was the same one who sent me back down. He told me to let myself slide and to relax. The trip back down was not as pleasant and it happened quite quickly. The last sensation I remember was slipping back into my sick body and recalling what it felt like to be here. I immediately asked myself why I came back to such agony. Soon I opened my eyes and found my living grandmother holding my hand. I immediately told her that I was gone for a while, and that I had met her mother who was very nice. She looked absolutely stunned as the other relatives in the room assured me that it was just a dream. I knew they were wrong, but I was too sick to argue.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, January 2, 2003 - 08:47 pm:

It was a Friday evening when I died. I was with friends, and we were all partying with drugs and alcohol. All night I was doing speed-balls, (heroin and cocaine), as well as drinking alcohol. It was about 9:00 p.m., and we all went into my bedroom so we could do some more drugs. While in the bedroom, I offered my friends a speed-ball, and they all declined, and instead did some cocaine. My friends expressed some concern regarding the amount of drugs I had injested, and thought that I should lay off the heroin and cocaine. I told them that I was okay, and not to worry about me, I knew what I was doing. So, I ignored their concerns, and did the speed-ball anyway.

As it turned out, that speed-ball turned out to be a lethal dose, causing me to overdose, I was clinically dead. When I crossed over, I had no idea that I was dead, I had no idea that I had lived on Earth, and had a family, there was no transition at all. I experienced the "light" while I was there. The light was not from a bulb, or in one area, it was everywhere. There is nothing on Earth that I have seen that could compare to the "light."

One would have to truly experience it for themselves in order to fully understand. I can tell you that I felt love, peace, strength, and warmth from the light. I sensed that I was surrounded by hundreds of people, but I could not see their faces or bodies, since we were in the spiritual realm. We were all standing side-by-side on what was similar to an escalator, which was constantly moving. All of a sudden the "escalator" stopped, and I was now going to be shown a review of my life, and be judged for my actions.

I remember looking up and seeing, as if it were across the sky, my sister at 6 years old, and myself at 5. In the review, I was very mean and hateful to my sister, and calling her names and making her cry. As I stood in judgment, the "light" telepathically communicated with me and informed me of my hatred. At that point, I felt overwhelmed with guilt, shame embarrassment, and humiliation. My feelings were very intense, I had never felt anything with that intensity before, I just wanted it to end, which it finally did, but it was not over!

The intense guilt and shame I experienced was the worst feeling I had ever known, but it was about to get worse. What I felt next was the worst pain I have ever experienced. Suddenly I realized that I had become my sister, I was "put" inside her so that I could now experience that gut-wrenching pain that she felt due to my actions. I have never felt any pain like the pain I was now experiencing. This was the worst feeling I have ever known, and I was begging for it to stop. I could not handle the pain anymore, and I would do anything to make it end, and suddenly it was over.

The "light" told me that the sins of a haughty spirit was the worst sin of all. At that point, the "escalator" started moving again, and it was moving in an upward motion. The "escalator" stopped again, and I was told that I am not to enter into the kingdom of heaven at this time. Instead, I was being given a second chance, I was being sent back to Earth in the physical realm. I was further told that I had to change my ways by loving instead of hating. The "light" informed me that I would not just be returned to Earth, but that I would bring the pain that I had experienced back with me. I was told that this pain would stay with me until my spirit had shed its earthly skin, that is, I would experience and carry this pain until the day that I would die.

I returned to Earth, and it would be about 3 weeks before I was on my feet again. It has been 5 months since my near death experience, and I remember everything as if it had just happened. And, yes, I did bring the pain back with me, this pain that I brought back was the pain my sister felt when I hurt her so bad. My sister's pain that I now carry, serves as a reminder of the importance of how we treat one another, and that we should love all, and hate none.

As a result of this experience, I am experiencing my spiritual awakening, and I can't wait to go out and heal and love the world.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, January 2, 2003 - 08:36 pm:

I was in my parents car with my parents and my little brother. I was sitting on the rear passenger seat. My dad crossed a busy road and I saw the car coming from my side and slapped into the door where I was sitting.
I jumped high in the air and fell down on the road, then my parents car turned on itself and pushed me with it and the wheel stopped at my right ear.

I was in the deep coma, hearing everything around me but could not say a word. The screamings and cries were just unbearable to hear. I was seeing different pictures of my life and they would just pass in my mind. Everything was so heavy and I could not move neither talk. I could hear though every single sound multiplied as if there was a speaker with a echo effect on it.

Then I heard the ambulance arrive. Once inside the ambulance truck, my dad came in and started again to cry, scream and express his faults, his guiltiness about all this. I was feeling at the same time so light reaching the Light. I was in that tunnel getting closer and closer to that Light. It felt so good and light in the Light... And again, the cries of my father were just unbearable. I could not understand why there was so much pain on earth, why human beings were so much in pain because I was just fine and light.

Then I encountered beings of Light whom I called my Angels. It was awesome and they told me: "You're okay. everything is okay. dont worry." And I knew it.

Then I arrived at the Hospital and there, the nurse says loud, there is a serious case and he is dying. Then I heard that I was dead. Then nothing. I guess when they might have put chemicals in me, I quite am not sure.

Then I woke up several days later and the nurse and the surgeons could not believe it. I heard them say: "It's a Miracle!".

I had head/cranial traumas, my left eye was out of its orbit, and my right ear was damaged. My face was quite in a mess. The surgeons even could not understand how they were able to fix especially my eye. They said that it was held by a very fine ligament that could have cut off even during the surgery. But I believe the Angels held it so I did not loose my eyes.

3 to 4 weeks later I was out of the Hospital. The only effects were that I could not take any elevator of any sort because of the gravity pressure.

Years later, I heard a voice saying: Now it is your turn to contribute to other Miracles through Music.

I remember each time my parents and I would be invited somewhere, people would ask me to play the piano. I would prefer to play whatever comes to mind instead of remembering a Classic piece. And people would amazingly feel very well after me playing which I could not really believe. I thought they were being so polite to my parents or it was really true and I was freaked out.

So I kind of refused these results for years.

Now I am a Music Healer. I accepted all my experiences and the learning and teaching and the communication with the Beings of Light.

I moved to the USA in 1999. I have 2 cd's out and am recognized as a new age artist featuring with artists such as Vangelis, Yanni, Kitaro...

I also give weekly Healing Services and many healing have taken place each time.

I express my experience the most often possible so people who had that same experience and did not have the opportunity to talk about it can relate with it and open up to talk about it and heal with it.

I believe that we do not have a NDE for nothing. Everything happens for a reason. And I am more than delighted to help people around me to find what is this reason.

My healing work consists on revealing Soul's Mission with the Angels.

Thank you for reading my story.
Hope it can help.

Remember, we are never alone. We can be so helped when we open our hearts to the angels, to the beings of Light... and Life is so good!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, December 26, 2002 - 09:48 pm:

One evening I went to bed as usual. During the night I had an experience. While I was sleeping I became 'mentally' aware that I had left my physical body and that I was dead.

I felt no pain, fear or concern. It felt like a completely natural state of being. I was in a pitch dark soundless void...it felt like I was in outer space...and I kept telling myself to look for the 'light'.

While I was still looking for the light, I became aware of a voice in my mind telling me to go back, it is not my time yet. I could not actually hear the voice, but it was like a thought that had been planted within my mind by someone else and I had no choice but to obey.

The next thing I remember was sitting upright in my bed gasping for breath. Although I am an asthma sufferer, this was a very mild attack and I only needed a quick puff of my medication to feel normal again. I just knew that I had died and was sent back (don’t ask me how), which was strange because at the time of this incident I did not actually believe in the afterlife or a God.

Has it changed me or my life? I cannot really say that it has, except that I now believe we have a 'soul' or something that stays alive and leaves the body...and that it feels like a very natural thing to do when it happens... I often wonder who it was that had sent me back. Was it God and was my NDE a mistake that had been made in another dimension?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, December 26, 2002 - 09:44 pm:

At 6 yrs old, my brother, cousins and I went down to the lake for a swim. I could not swim, and so I stayed by the dock where I could hold on to something. My brother learned to swim by someone tossing him in the water and saying "swim or drown". I was on the dock and my brother and cousin each grabbed my hands and feet and tossed me in shouting "swim or drown".

I remember looking up at the surface of the water after awhile, and seeing my hair floating on the top of the water surface, glimmering in the sunlight. I felt no pain, or drowning sensations, only calm. Then there was a warm surrounding light. It became brighter and brighter. There were hundreds of beings -- souls -- around me, and I felt the total complete love and acceptance. Such an overwhelming love, that I could never explain with words. I was part of them, I was loved, and accepted, and wanted, and at home. I felt that they were loved ones who had passed on, but no true recognition of who they were, they just all felt familiar to me. I wanted to go with them and learn all the answers to my questions, but a large being appeared before me. She felt like a female, and I gathered that she was an entity of great authority, because the others still hovered around, but in the background, all around us. She spoke to me without words, and told me "I am sorry my child, but you must go back. It is not your time, and you have many great things that you must do first before you will be allowed to return here." I can remember being angry that I would not be allowed to stay. I remember my will resisting, and wanting to stay. I wanted to stay in this place more than anything. Time and space did not exist. Gently, she placed her hands upon my shoulders and pushed me away. I was so angry and fought it. The place was so peaceful and full of love. I can remember the sensation of falling backwards, like being pushed backwards off a two story building. When my spirit re-entered my body, it was a horrible body slam, that knocked all the wind out of me.

I awoke to the paramedics resuscitating me. I was clinically dead for 6 minutes.

After the experience, I was very aware of the world in a spiritual sense. I sensed things that others did not. I saw visions of things before they happened, and sometimes after they happened. I daydreamed alot, and could never distinguish the daydreams, from the actual visions. The visions stopped when I was 13 after a particularly traumatic vision.

I do not know what my special purpose in life is, only that I have one, and that I must fulfil it. I do not know if I will even be aware of it when it happens.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, December 22, 2002 - 02:57 pm:

I was involved in a MVA with a train in June of this past year (2002).
My passenger was pronounced dead at the scene of the accident. I remained conscious throughout the entire time of the accident and following it.

My experience was the filling up of the car with white hot light. Alot of heat involved in the light. The passenger was surrounded in it, almost golden. I knew she was dead but felt almost detached like I wasn't involved. My senses seemed so intense and acute I felt pain from them, sight, sound, and smell especially. My nose filled with the scent of newborn baby's neck. (I hope this makes sense). It is a very sweet smell that babies only have for a few weeks following their births. I laid my head down for a moment and closed my eyes, felt warmer. But I felt such a PULLING at me...that I wasn't to just stop.

I could not get out of the car by the door, so I slid out the broken window like a snake and hit the ground. While lying in the ditch, I experienced sights, sounds, and smells acutely again. As before, I almost felt I was looking down upon someone else.

The only grief I felt was regret at leaving my children behind without warning and sadness at what they would have to endure following my death. I saw my cousin who was brought up with my family as a sister to me. She has been deceased since 1994. After I told the Ambulance attendant my children's names and what messages I had for them, I remember a feeling of snapping, almost. Like, a releasing of all will to live and letting go.

My injuries turned out to be fractures of the C7 vertebrae (neck), back, multiple ribs, pneumothorax (collapsed lung), internal bleeding from a tearing of my liver, head lacerations requiring stitches (50).

I was airlifted to nearest trauma center where I had other strange occurrences but am now willing to blame the heavy medication I was on following the accident.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, December 22, 2002 - 02:49 pm:

In the labor room, I heard one nurse scolding another nurse because I was given two doses of Pitocin, a labor inducing drug. Everything that followed was a blur: the spinal bloc, the actual delivery.

Then I became aware that I was in a private hospital room. As in a dream, I floated to the ceiling. I recall turning to the right and being drawn to a warm, white light. I thought to myself that I felt exhilarated, free of all pain, and I had never felt so wonderful. I did not look down at my body on the stretcher/bed. I traveled at an angle, maybe a 45 degree angle. When I floated through the wall of the room, the immediate area was dark, non descript. Just ahead I saw a narrow tunnel. The warm light was visible at the end of the tunnel. My flying sped up and I was drawn to the light. I was not afraid. The tunnel walls were rough, looked rocky. The tunnel was narrow and become lighter as I approached the light.

Suddenly, I stopped just beneath a rocky ledge, on the left hand side. The mist was swirling and I had difficulty making out the figures in the background. Suddenly, my Uncle and my Grandfather stood several feet away, elevated above me. My Uncle did most of the talking. I say talking, but it was definitely telepathic. In a rush of words, I informed him that I thought I had just given birth to a baby. I wasn't sure that this baby survived the delivery. My Grandfather gestured that the baby was alive. I sighed a breath of relief. Then I told my Grandfather that my husband and I had adopted a baby boy. Told him that he was six months old. My Grandfather made a sound that I couldn't quite understand. Then my Uncle waved his arm and told me that I had to go back to take care of my babies. I hesitated and responded that I wanted to stay with them. “No”, my uncle insisted, “you must go back”. “It's not your time”. I reluctantly agreed and assured him that I had a duty to take care of my family. My Grandfather told me [telepathically], not to forget my Grandmother. He distinctly told me. I told him I would.

At that moment, my body was quickly sucked backward. I saw flashes of colored light in the tunnel; it was beautiful.

Suddenly I felt excruciating pain. Then, at that moment, I knew I was back in my body. I was very groggy, but I opened my eyes. My mother a nurse and, my husband were standing by my bedside. A day or two later, true to my word, I named my daughter in memory of my Grandmother.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, December 22, 2002 - 02:38 pm:

While driving my truck I was suddenly looking at Satan, I was frightened and tried to turn and look for help or a place to run. I was unable to take my eyes from Satan. I must tell you that Satan looked just like me. Only the difference was at that time there was no recognition of self on my part. I did not know him to be me. I hope this is understandable?

While trying to turn and look for help I had the sensation of a horde of people behind me, only a sensation. This did the trick as far as relieving my fear. Then a question was put to me, "shall there be mercy?" I answered “yes”.

Immediately the scene changes to one of total sensation. I was floating in the ocean of gods love for me. That is to say, I was being permitted to know that he has, does and will always love me. I was permitted, what seemed likes many minutes, to enjoy His love.

The scene changes again, now I am feeling the effect of every selfish act, word or imagination I ever had, not as a form or type of punishment, more that I was experiencing the emotional reaction god had to my selfishness. I never knew what remorse was until that moment. The remorse was transformed into a kind of humility. Not the humility that one might expect of a saint or monk living in a monastery. No longer did I feel as if I were better or worse than anyone else, a leveling of the playing field, if you will.

It is certain to me, had I not said yes to the mercy question, I would be dead now. For the weight of my own selfishness would have crushed me.

The scene changes again, now I am being lifted up cradled or placed on ones hip as a mother or father may do to a young child, then I heard , I see, and I was looking at the earth. There is one earth with a dividing wall or curtain or some kind of veil. The veil made a complete circle around one earth, I understood this earth to be the world of everyday ordinary life. I was able to see some people walking up to and through this wall.

Others would walk up to it but could not or would not pass through. Some never seem to realize there was a wall at all. Outside the wall people were doing basically the same as those inside, living their lives. There seemed to be no distinction or biased on gods behalf. His love was equal for all.

Then I heard someone yelling, trying to get my attention. I looked up from the earth scene, what would be a due north direction, and there I see a line of people, they were talking, laughing, some seemed to be dancing, and at differing intervals the person at the head of the line would slide down into the earth scene.

The scene changes again and I am back driving my truck. For the next three or four days a variety of unusually and completely unseen events took place. Far too many to recount here. In closing I will say that being in his love was the best moment of my life. Feeling his remorse for my selfish actions, has been the worst moment of my life. It was a bittersweet experience. And I would not undo any portion of it.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Sunday, December 22, 2002 - 02:23 pm:

About 3 am Sunday, September 8th, I stepped out of my hospital room and looked toward the end of the hall. My mind told me that if I could run fast enough, I could project myself into the warm, bright light I was seeing there and when I came through on the other side I would be at home with my husband and children. It was a light like none I had seen before, warm, glowing and bright like the sun. I could look right into it though and it invited me to run toward it. I ran as fast as I could and then hit that wall so hard with my head that nurses in other sections on that floor of the hospital heard it.

I staggered momentarily and fell on my back on the floor unable to move. I felt no pain and I saw three hospital employees (nurses, I guess) huddled over me. My life began to pass backwards through all the people I had loved in my life. I felt like I was on a downward spiral ride. I looked at each of the people kneeling next to me over and over again and every once in a while when I would think of a specific person, that person I was looking at would take on that image. As I recognized each face I would say the name of person and they would nod at me in an affirming way. My thoughts continued to reel backwards like a movie. It all started very fast, than slowed down and stopped when it came to Eric. Eric was my childhood boyfriend who was killed in a drunk driving accident when we were juniors in high school. I have believed for many years that Eric has been my "guardian angel." At that point, I shut my eyes and rested my head back on the floor. I heard people working feverishly around me. I realized that I wasn't breathing, but I wasn't struggling. I could hear the sound of my heart beating and it kept getting slower, and slower and slower...then it stopped. I heard someone say, "she's gone..." in a quiet whisper, then I sensed a white sheet being pulled up over my head. There was perfect silence and peacefulness, but I was not scared.

I opened my eyes and lifted my head...it was the only thing I could move. What I saw was a man's face just a few inches in front of mine. He had short brown hair and a light beard. His eyes were looking right into mine like he was trying to convey something to me with his thoughts. We did not speak. He did not touch me. We were alone together in a void of white light, everything else had disappeared. I didn't hear voices, but these thoughts came to my head. I was dying and being reborn all at the same time. I shut my eyes again and felt like I was being submerged under water. The thought I had then was that I only had to hold my breath a little longer. The thoughts in my head told me that I would hear a loud sound, see a bright light, that all I would have to do was breathe and that everything would be okay...but that my head was going to hurt pretty bad. All at once, that's exactly what happened. I exhaled with a gasp, opened my eyes and began to cry. There was major pain in my head and neck, but I could move my arms and legs again. The scene had returned to normal, but there were new hospital staff people around me and they were trying to decide what to do with me next. They eventually put me in a neck brace and on a backboard to take me for some tests and x-rays. Then they wheeled me back into my room to let me sleep.

For weeks I have tried to figure out exactly what happened to me on that floor. I didn't ask any questions to the nurses or ask to see my medical records. I actually believe that for a few moments that I was dead...or that part of me died. For awhile I thought it was Eric who I saw there in front of me, but I had my mind changed when I went to a church retreat a few weeks ago. There was a big picture of Jesus on one side of the cabin. When I looked at it, it was like a sudden flashback that took my breath away. It was the same eyes, the same face, the same expression, and I began to sob. I knew at that moment how Mary Magdalene must have felt when Jesus cast the demons from her. Jesus was at Memorial Hospital the night I was there and he came just for me...to heal me and to save me. Everyone was astonished that I had not seriously injured myself after such an impact. My doctors and nurses seemed dumbfounded that following morning that all that had been wrong with me was totally better. I didn't have a single episode after that and I was ready to go home.

I sit and think a lot. I think about that face I saw and I wonder where I was at that moment and what my true condition was. Mostly what I feel is thankfulness and love. In that moment I had lost all hope, I thought I was alone, separated from everyone on the face of this earth who cared about me. In that moment, there was only one person who could save me...little 'ol me, flat out on my back on the floor of a psyche ward. I sit and pray in quiet company of he who saved me, and weep tears of gratitude and offer words of thankfulness. It is not my body that was rescued, but my soul. My body was brought into this world March. My new spirit birthday is September.

One day, a very long time from now, I will look upon his face again as he welcomes me home for all of eternity. Until that time I will learn all I can about how to be one of his disciples. All that we have here is nothing compared to what awaits us in his Kingdom.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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