NDE Accounts

Archive through May 22, 2002

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 - 09:40 pm:

It only happened two nights ago, and so I am able to recall much of the detail. To make it more understandable, I will list my experience in point form:

- I didn't hear anything by the silence seemed to be loud??? So as to give me a headache.

- I felt my heart beat, and the blood run through my veins.

- I was racing through a very bright medium with no features... it was sort of like the speed of a spacecraft in those star wars movies, except instead of stars, I saw an extremely intense white light.

- I knew that I had to wake up, or else I would crush, it was almost my conscious effort to wake up and I needed to struggle with this will.

- Deeply inside, I felt sorrow for my parents and saw glimpses of their emotions as they would, find me in the morning.

- Upon struggling to wake, I felt a shiver and my whole body contracting...the kind of effort that you experience when trying to lift too heavy of a weight, but in my case it was every part of my body and no weights to lift.

- Right after achieving almost impossible consciousness, I felt a deep sense of relief, however as drained and tired as I was from this experience, I had to stop myself from even blinking as I feared that the next time I would not be able to open my eyes.

- Feeling like I have lost the sense of reality...I really didn't know whether I was still asleep or not... I made my way downstairs to get a drink of water.

- Only then did I realize what has just happened to me.... although I know I can't compare it with any of my other experiences, I know deep down that this could have had a different outcome.

- I still felt a bit dizzy, and quite refusing to go back to my own bed...so as bizarre as this may seem, I went to my parents bed saying that I had a terrible dream and could not sleep in my own bed. I slept between my mom and dad that night, but I couldn't really call it sleeping. I just lay there enjoying their warm presence beside me.

- The one very important feature of this experience that has not left my mind, is the struggle to wake up...I can say that it was as though I was splitting into two entities...one sleeping passively, while the other fighting to wake up.

As a background, I do not drink alcohol, or smoke or practice any unsafe habits towards my health...excluding off course, my eating disorder.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 - 09:31 pm:

I laid in the bath tub of my apt. After taking a bottle of sleeping pills, Tylenol pm and washing it down with a fifth of vodka. I got in the tub with a razor blade and began by cutting my right wrist. It was harder than I anticipated so I had to cut several times before I felt it was enough. I then switched hands and, by the time I was ready to cut my left wrist I was angry at how long this process seem to be taking. I gave a heavy handed slice and there it was.

I watched with my eyes open wide, not blinking. I watched the vertical gash of skin literally part away for each side. The blood seemed to pour out in slow motion and finally, I could lay back and close my eyes. I remember feeling very cold. That was the last thought in my head before seeing a set of what I recognized to be headlights. They seemed so far away. They got closer and brighter and stayed suspended. I clearly remember waiting to see Jesus. Suddenly the lights went into a reverse pattern. I watched as they slowly extinguished.

Two hours after I got into that bathtub I was discovered by my roommate who had gotten off of work early. I was rushed to the emergency room for sutures, a transfusion and, a 4 week stay in the phsyc. ward.

Since that experience I have a heightened awareness and keen intuitive skills that I respect and listen to, finally.

I realized laying in the E.R. holding down the charcole cocktail that I had forgotten to fill the tub with water. Had I remembered my wrists would not have been able to clot slowing the bleeding. How could you have been so stupid, I thought to myself.

7 years later I am a successful businesswoman, living in a new town, and I have a beautiful little 16 month girl. I have finally accepted that the pain of the past doesn't ever move you forward until you let God and let go. I am not a religious person, but what other explanation could there be for the road I have traveled?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 22, 2002 - 09:18 pm:

Very pleasant, peaceful, knowing, loving. I wanted so badly to stay.
Communication without speaking, telepathic. I was assured by loved ones
who passed away years prior. It was wonderful.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 10:40 pm:

I was traveling in India in 1972 when I became ill with a kidney disease of some kind. It was quite frightening because there was blood in my urine and I imagined all kinds of dire consequences. We were in Kashmir and there were very few English-speaking people but I somehow managed to make my concerns known and to be directed towards a physician's office. At the physician's office I was horrified by the general conditions and by the number of terribly sick people squatting on the dirt floor waiting to be seen by the doctor.

When I was taken to see the doctor I was even more disturbed. The conditions in his inner office reminded me very much of the granary on my uncle's farm when I was a kid. It was a wooden office but dirty and unpainted boards like you'd find in a barn along with cobwebs and dust and ancient porcelain medical instruments that looked like they pre-dated the twentieth century.

It soon became clear that I could not communicate with the old bearded man who was apparently the doctor, but it was equally clear that I could not have heeded any advice that he could give me.

Back home on the houseboat that I was sharing with a friend my condition deteriorated rapidly and I began to experience alternating hot flashes and terrible chills. It was in the course of this illness in which I was becoming quite frightened of dying on the other side of the world without ever seeing my family again that I suddenly found myself looking down upon my thrashing body and my friend struggling to keep my body covered with blankets.

That phase lasted only a moment and then I was transported towards what is colloquially described as a great light but which was much more than that. I felt bathed not only in light but also in this transcendent energy and very much in the presence of a very powerful "being". The next thing I recall is being wordlessly invited to look back upon my experiences to that date and was able to see them "objectively" for the first time.

My sense was that many trivial events in my past towards which I harbored resentment or held grudges or remembered being injured somehow were actually very different than the way I remembered them. I had a clear sense that many of these things not only didn't happen in the way that I remembered them but in fact may well have been due to my shortcomings such as anger, selfishness, greed etc etc..

I remember being very moved by this knowledge and quite taken aback. There was a moment when I seemed to be challenged (again wordlessly) to think about what I'd seen and then invited to make a decision whether I wanted to go forward and continue on my journey or go back and try again.

I made the obvious choice and was immediately back in my body and listening to my friend asking what was wrong and what he could do. In the meantime I remember thinking that I had things I needed to do; that my work wasn't finished or that somehow I hadn't discovered my true purpose.

I was given a chance to come back and find out what it was. That's a gift.

For most of the last thirty years I've felt as though I've been governed not only by that experience but by my desire to live up to that experience. It's only in the last ten years or so that I seem to have lost the focus that that provided.

I'm anxious to find a way to try and get it back.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 21, 2002 - 10:32 pm:

I had four triple heart by-pass, four years ago in Ottawa.

After moving from Canada to Belgium I had to change my Canadian cardiologist for a Belgian, who advised me to have a catheterization to check the bypasses condition after three years.

The procedure was done on a late Friday afternoon. I had one before my surgery in Canada and it was alright, nothing happened.

The first coronary was fine but with the second something bad occurred which induced a cardiac arrest for about a minute.

I knew something wrong was going on because I remembered what was happening just a moment before and, then that darkness and noise. There was that pulsating sound, very loud in my head, complete darkness and a strong anxiety feeling. Actually, it was not a pleasant experience; it was frightening, disturbing. I heard no "heavenly music", neither I saw "angels" or felt at peace or my "soul" left the body. After I was brought back with several electro-shocks, I kept feeling scary and disturbed.
Particularly when the doctor told me what happened.

I keep now remembering this experience and thinking that when the day of my departure will come, I will know exactly that my death is beginning...

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 09:38 pm:

I fell off my bicycle and injured myself to the face and head VERY badly. My friends who were with me were trained in first aid and removed a t-shirt to place over my head, as I was not breathing - I had died.

I remember a man dressed very smartly, in a suit, who spoke calmly and told me to "come with me". I remember saying that I couldn’t go with him as I had grit in my eye due to my injury. He asked me to go with him several times and I refused. I then woke in hospital.

About 2 weeks later I saw my friends and asked them who the man was. They answered that there was no such man.

Since then I have considered myself to be a bit psychic, and until one day I thought nothing of it.

I was asleep in bed one night when all of a sudden I woke sharply. I got up, leaving my girlfriend in bed, and went to watch TV in another room. Normally I would have given her a hug and fell back to sleep.

I turned on the TV and flicked through the channels. It was about 3.30 am so there wasn’t much on (only 5 channels in UK). I came across a program that was just starting - it was about NDE's and a connection with the Para-normal. I watched the program for about 30 mins then it clicked. I had had a NDE - I thought myself as psychic - It all fell into place.

Since then I KNOW that I am truly special, that I have experienced God and that I will go to another place when I die. It is only because I told God that I was not ready that he let me continue on earth.

Sometimes I think I might be a bit crazy, but when I think hard I know the answer.

I hope you find this of interest.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 09:32 pm:

I had what I later learned to be an appendicitis attack. I was a college student and sought treatment at the student health center on a Thursday or Friday afternoon. The diagnosis was missed, and I was sent home.

On Saturday morning, my appendix ruptured. I was taken to a local hospital emergency room (in a small town) and the diagnosis, which was now more difficult to pinpoint, was again missed.

I was admitted to the hospital over the Labor Day holiday weekend and given medicines for pain and fever. On Tuesday, the physician who admitted me had a surgeon examine me. I was immediately taken to surgery for exploratory surgery where they found a "grapefruit size" abscess, which had resulted from my ruptured appendix. I spent the next 3 1/2 weeks in the ICU. I was what they called "septic". I remember very little of the specific events in the ICU. I was in a lot of pain and still full of infection.

I reached a point where I felt no more pain. I felt like I was no longer in my body but was keenly aware of what was going on in the room. I sensed that I was dying, but did not think about it in terms of death.

I felt like I was moving through a dark tunnel and felt a sensation of warmth and the presence of light. It felt like a good place to be. Although I had a 9 month old son who was weighing heavily on my mind, I was willing to accept the idea of going/leaving/not returning.

I reached a point where I sort of hung in limbo. I didn't move forward but I also did not move backwards. I just hung out there in that place and looked back on my life and became reconciled with the idea of leaving my son to be raised by others. I did not hear voices per se, but in my mind I finally became aware that I had to go back. I could not stay. The place was not yet meant to be mine. I did not want to leave.

I began to feel pain again. I survived. My surgeon told me afterwards that he had been certain I would die.

I eventually left the hospital and began to be aware of the changes within myself. It was initially very disturbing. I felt that I no longer knew who I was. It was very difficult to describe. I thought I was a little crazy. I hoped that it was a hangover from all the pain medicines/narcotics. I cried for the loss of myself. I would drive to work and sit at traffic lights looking at all the people in their cars in such a hurry to get to work. I would think to myself, 'these people have no idea that we are all going to die someday. If they did, they wouldn't be in such a hurry to get to work.'

I would sit and think and think and think.

I reprioritized things in my life that have stuck with me through all the years. I am not materialistic. I like nice things, but they are not what makes me happy. I could lose all my material goods tomorrow, and I will still be me and can still be happy. I feel driven to connect with people in a positive way. It is what matters most in life. I have a strong spiritual belief that how we live is what matters.

I do not prescribe to any organized religion. I have a tolerance for all faiths, but find that my own beliefs are more along the lines of Buddhism. I find the idea of reincarnation believable. I think it is a strong possibility that we keep coming back until we have learned all the lessons and get it "right".

I don't think it really matters what we call ourselves in regards to religious beliefs. I don't think one is any better nor will accomplish anything that the others won't. I believe in looking for the good in others and living by the "golden rule".

I was only 21 when my NDE occurred. I was just getting started in my adult life. I don't know who I would be if I had not had the experience. I like myself and am glad for the experience. I am a changed person.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 09:17 pm:

I was 13 years old. My life at the time was destitute and impoverished, and I was suffering from depression. I had decided that I would commit suicide several days before that, and on the day I had it planned, I carried it out. It was an overdose, and it took place soon after my father left for work, on a day he was to work a double-shift, thus leaving sufficient time for the drugs to take effect.

The drugs set in and took their effect, but my father came home several hours early and called the paramedics. I was flat-lined all the way to the hospital, and soon after my arrival the doctor was in the process of "pronouncing" me dead when I regained a pulse. I remained in a coma for several days following the incident.

My experience of death is something that has changed my life in many ways. And my experience of death itself is nothing like I have ever heard before. It was a complete void, and I do mean complete. I cannot say it was "dark" because that implies duality; for there to be dark, there must be light to offer an opposite for Darkness to be defined BY. There was not. This "Place" was void of these simple dualistic principals, which we live by, i.e. Dark/Light, Hot/Cold, Good/Evil, Life/Death. In this "place" there was no semblance of these concepts at all. But the only way my mind can conceive of this experience in a language, even though it woefully falls short of the experience, is to say in my experience of Death, there was only one thing: Complete Darkness.

I can not say that I was alone, nor can I say I was not. The only way I can describe this, is by saying that I was in no way able to perceive the presence of others if there were. It was as if my own identity, my own "Self" was nearly non-existent. I was possessed of only enough conscious mind to perceive of this "Place", and nothing more. Like I was an entity possessed of only one ability; to know this place and that this place was the embodiment of death itself, nothing more, not even to know myself.

This was not frightening at all to me, and to look back on the experience, brings to bear a feeling, though dark, of total comfort. But it’s a bittersweet memory however. Though I am in no hurry to pass from this life, I miss that feeling; I miss greatly being enveloped in deaths presence. It permeated my very being, and has changed me forever.

People fear Death, as if it is a monster come to steal them or their loved ones from them, like a thief in the night no one can avoid. To most, it is some hideous thing that "lives" in dark places, and is akin only to evil, and to some, Death is a specter that is the embodiment of evil itself. I "know" this to be farthest from the truth. Within Death, there is a complete cleansing of the spirit, a "washing away" of our realities of the "flesh", and an awakening of the spirit to truths no language can begin to describe. It is a beginning, not a destination.

Death to me was "Dark" yes, it was "Melancholy" yes, but within that was a beauty no words can command. And I will never be the same. It has changed me in other ways, very "special" ways I hesitate to attempt to describe. Ways I can hardly believe for myself at times. Death is not a "Thing" that "Happens" to people, nor is it just a "Place" of being. It is a very real spiritual essence, a spirit if you will. Almost every religion has a name for this "Spirit", but to me it has none, I know it by the feeling of "knowing" when I am in its presence: in a cemetery, in a crumbling and vacant building, when the leaves are falling from the trees when there is hardly enough light in the sky to see them by, and sometimes, he can be felt when a dieing person or animal walks near. This I keep very close to myself, for (to me) very obvious reasons. And save for a select very few people, this is the only time I have voiced this.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 09:06 pm:

When I was in junior high school I developed a blood disorder and was put on the steroid prednisone to help raise my blood platelets. Over the course of a few months, my platelet count got better, but my overall health seemed to deteriorate. Finally, after about a week of feeling more and more tired every day and losing weight very rapidly although I ate nearly constantly, I found myself too weak to get up off the couch.

My parents rushed me to the doctor who noted that I was in ketoacidosis and was at risk for lapsing into a coma. They then rushed me to a children's hospital, and on the way there I vaguely remember passing out in the back seat.

I then remember seeing my father carry me in to the emergency room, as if I was already there waiting. I then watched as the nurses and ER doctors rushed me into a room, and the door shut in my face. I turned around and ahead of me was a cave-like tunnel, very cool inside with water dripping down the sides. I began to walk the slight incline and realized a dim light was sparkling off the water on the walls, so I walked a little further. I stopped when I noticed a figure standing against the wall about 10 feet in front of me, the light I had been following was directly behind the figure, casting a silhouette with yellowish bands shooting out all around.

I then heard what I can only say was my recently deceased grandfather, or maybe I just sensed somehow that it was him communicating to me, "What do you think you're doing here?" And I couldn't reply, I tried opening my mouth but something held it together. He spoke again, "Well? You're not supposed to be here yet. Go back. You'll know when it's your time. Now get!"

The light was then directly over my face, and a cold spray of oxygen was blowing from a mask around my mouth (explaining to me why I couldn't speak), and a doctor was leaning over me. When he saw my eyes open he said, "Well, there you are. Glad to have you back."

I spent the next month in the hospital. The entire experience was gone from my mind for years after it had actually happened. Then one night after my grandmother died, about 14 years later, as I tried to sleep, I saw my grandfather in my near-sleep vision, and he was hugging my grandmother. They turned and looked at me and smiled. When they vanished I suddenly remembered my experience in the hospital.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 08:57 pm:

I was a freshman in high school and it was in March.

I had taken around fifty sleeping pills (crushed because at the time I couldn't swallow pills). I lay in bed for a few hours and then starting from the tips of my fingers and toes, I went numb. It was so numb it hurt just thinking of moving even one muscle.

The music I had chosen to kill myself to faded and my vision was reduced to strobe light flashes in weird shapes. I saw darkness and felt cold emanating from what was in front of me. I knew part of me but not all of me had gone somewhere other than my bedroom and that where I was now I wasn't welcome.

The next thing I know, I am back in my bed, sort of convulsing. I feel extremely nauseated and (over the course of fifteen minutes) slithered to the bathroom, walking into everything possible because my sight hadn't come back and my hearing was in small bursts. I puked for a while and slurred to my mom that I shouldn't go to school the next day.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 20, 2002 - 08:51 pm:

Approximately ten years ago I suddenly one day, experienced horrible hallucinations and messages and incredible paranoia.
I was out at the time and when I came home days went by when I neither slept nor ate.

I was lying down when suddenly the room was full of light, it was the warmest softest most comforting light I ever saw and I thought I was in heaven.

Soon after I was in a hospital and diagnosed with Manic Depression but honestly to this day I feel it was a near-death experience.

I have taken medication for years now and I would just like to get insight on what other people have experienced or think of my experience. Thank You.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 11:20 pm:

I was in 5th grade and very very ill for days. My grandmother took me to the local physician several times and, he could find nothing wrong . I couldn’t walk, had a temp of 108...then, the miracle...my brother who was 1 year older than me broke his arm at school. While in the emergency room my grandmother told the doctor about me and my symptoms ect.. He sent for an ambulance to be sent to pick me up immediately.

When I got into the e.r. I saw my brother and I felt so bad for him and they rushed me to a room to wait because he already had me scheduled for surgery. While I was in the room laying in bed waiting, the last thing I remember is my dad putting a cold rag on my head and then a bright bright light surrounding me but I wasn’t in bed. I was walking and going towards the source of the light. I had no pain, and had the feeling of right on finally this is over!

I felt anxious to go wherever it was I was going and happy about it, then I remember someone, a being, I guess, not really a face just, a presence and, with no words stopped me in my tracks and, let me know I had to go back. It wasn’t time yet. The presence gave me the greatest feeling of unconditional love I have ever felt and, sent me back without ever speaking a word.

Within a second I remember, waking up on a table seeing the doctor poke me with a huge needle in my hip (where the infection was). I watched the infection just shoot out across the room and everyone in the room sort of panicked and tried to get it to stop somehow, by this time I was standing next to the doctor watching him try to get everything under control. I had the feeling of WOW that was unexpected what was it ect... and I wanted to see better so, I floated up to the ceiling and watched as they raced around the room frantically trying to do things to me one nurse was pinching me so hard on my neck that it was about to bleed.

I didn’t understand that until later when I was recovering in my room.She came in to see me and, told me that the reason she had done that was because, I had lost my pulse and they were trying to like shock me back!!?? Weird...but it worked I guess because, the next thing I remember is being in a quarantined room with my grandma, grandpa and dad looking in the window at me. Then the long process of recovery.

I had a staph infection in my hip and the doctor said that they had lost me on the operating table and it was a miracle that I got there in time thanks to my brother breaking his arm. If that hadn’t happened I would have been dead by the time they got back from the hospital.

I knew then that it happened for a reason and death is not a scary thing to me at all. Since that time, I have, believe it or not, had 2 more nde's resulting from an auto accident...but that’s another story.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 10:59 pm:

I was about 10 years old and I remember I was falling asleep. I begin to sink deeper and deeper into what I thought was sleep. But my...spirit?...began to drift down out of my body and then, rose up. I remember feeling a bit confused and decided to go upstairs to talk to my parents, but when I got to the door, I realized I couldn't reach for the doorknob.

It frightened me and the desperation to try and get their help grew, so I begin to force myself through the door. It felt as if I was pressing through a cotton ball. Some resistance. I then floated upstairs to see my parents watching television (watching the Late Night Show - important for later)

I screamed, but nothing came out. I didn't have a mouth. It was at that moment that I realized I did not have my shell. My body. And that made my fear worse. However, I could see. I don't know how if I didn't have eyes, but whatever!

I looked down and saw that I was this energy...greenish hue...(I know sounds monsterish and silly) my confusion and panic was incredible! It was then that the room begin fill with this bright light and I not only was calmed down, but also was filled with this feeling of love and I wanted to be immersed into the light. I pulled towards it but felt this binding strength pulling back. I looked back and saw that my energy was continued into a long string like tail and it was resisting like a rubber band.

The bright light was not pulling on me, but I wanted to go towards it.
I finally became exhausted and gave up. At that moment I was pulled back and slammed into my body.

I flashed awake. Feeling cold, yet amazed, I ran upstairs. My parents were sitting watching the Late night show (My bedroom is on the farthest side downstairs away from the upstairs TV and could not hear anything...so I can't explain this away with audio)

I told them about my "dream" and I don't remember what they said but I do remember that at least to me they didn't make a big deal out of it. They let me stay up to calm down.

Though it was a frightening experience because let's face it...it's pretty freaky stuff. But the end results were wonderful for me at the time.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 10:51 pm:

In 1972 I was 19 years old. I was living a sort of hippy life and no longer attended the Protestant church I was raised in. I spent the summer of 1972 hitchhiking around the country. During one of the last rides the man who picked me up attacked me. He strangled me until I passed out & then raped me at gunpoint.

While I was passed out I found myself in a dark void. There was no end to it and there was no one but me, not even God. I was completely and utterly alone. I felt that I would be there for eternity.

It seems surprising to me now, but at the time the experience did not change my behavior for good. My risky behavior actually increased. I was terrified of death, yet obsessed by it. Eventually I felt drawn by the Holy Spirit to the Catholic Church.

As my knowledge and faith increased I became less afraid, but still had periods of depression, sometimes with suicidal thoughts. I take an anti-depressant now, which has helped a lot.

I have always believed that I experienced Hell. I really think that would be the ultimate punishment - to be completely alone without other people or God.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 15, 2002 - 10:46 pm:

I was dreaming that I was attending a psychological conference in Bedford (a neighboring town in Massachusetts) Center when, I became conscious that I was, in fact, dreaming. I remember saying to myself "now I can experiment"! (I had read Robert Monroe's Journeys Out of The Body and Patricia Garfield's Creative Dreaming).

I was lying in a reclining position and stretched out my feet, pointing my toes forward. As I did, I accelerated at tremendous speed, understanding (intuiting) that I was traveling at the speed of light! I quickly found myself inside a tunnel and heard crackling, snapping, electrical sounds all around me as I continued to accelerate (I experienced no fear and was totally caught up in the experience).

When I burst out on the other side, I felt like I was truly alive. Words cannot adequately express what I felt or describe the experience. I can best describe the feeling as ecstatic. I felt all the emotions simultaneously. I felt my being/consciousness had expanded, much larger than in physical life. The feeling was so wonderful, so ecstatic, that the nearest I can come to describing the joy of it is to think of the greatest •••••• you ever had and multiply it a billion times!

After hovering, floating, just being in space, I noticed my house below me in the distance and saw my physical body lying in bed beside my wife. As soon as I saw my physical body, I was immediately drawn back down to it and could feel myself click back into it. I got up from bed elated from the experience but saddened to be back in my physical body (being back in the physical felt like being dead in comparison to the experience I just had)! The experience was so powerful, that, on the following day, I shared it with anyone who would listen.

In retrospect, I consider the experience a wonderful gift. I know that consciousness exists beyond the physical body, that death is but a door we pass through, and that we are all one river.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 10:53 pm:

I was 9 yrs old and lived in South Vancouver on the Fraser River. I was playing with the neighbor’s kids on the log booms one day jumping from log to log and lost track of time. When I decided to go home I jumped in the water to walk to shore and the tide had come in and the water was over my head. I could not swim. I remember going down 2 times and the third time I went down I saw my life pass in front of my eyes like a book when you fan the pages. They were very vivid pictures of my life up to that time. The next thing I knew, one of the kids I was playing with grabbed me out of the water and laid me over a log until I caught my breath and then helped me get to the shore. The images I saw have faded over the years but I still remember one vividly like it happened yesterday. It was an amazing experience and one I will never forget as long as I live.

Please be advised that I was not brought up with a religious background except my mother’s guidance to be good, fair, kind and honest. I have checked liberal because that is the closest I could come.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 14, 2002 - 10:49 pm:

I was cleaning glue off a rubberized wet suit, for scuba diving, I used carbon tetrachloride...

My doctor told me some months later., when I complained that' I wasn't getting better...He said " I should have died. The decent thing for me to have done was to die. Instead I bring the mess to him to clean up.... then complain.

My blood pressure would not stabilize. It dropped out...
I found myself in a beautiful light...I saw a building. The building was like a City Hall. Made of white stone with a tower...many steps up to the door. I don't remember walking up the steps.
I was inside. There was a man. He was engulfed in light. I couldn’t make out his features. Later I called him Luke the Physician...I think because I was so sick and Luke was the only one that could help me...Luke never spoke to me. He motioned to a doorway. I walked thru it. Luke followed me...A room like a library...floor to ceiling books, on three walls...the books were stone...Luke motioned for me to touch the books. I do not remember learning anything from the books at that time. I do remember, I was awed... I had touched two or three books, when I could hear my Mother and Doctor calling me. I ignored them for as long as I could. I told Luke, I have to go, see what they want, I'll be back...Luke motioned to the door...I was awake...

A few days later my blood pressure dropped out again...I was with Luke in a Senate chamber. It resembled the U.S senate...there were men sitting at these seats...Large chamber. Many men. With one man standing behind a pulpit...There was allot of activity going on between the men and Luke...I do not remember what was said. I was asking questions ... I remember being told that any gifts, I want to give back, I can. I could come back and see them any time. I could not stay any longer.... I never felt that I had died it was more like an experience.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 09:19 pm:

Well I was with 2 other men and drinking allot and I was driving. I realy don’t know what happen but, from what I understand we were going at least 100mph and hit a bank head on. The other 2 were just banged up thanks to air bags in my 2000 S10 pickup. I guess I missed the air bag. I had a head tremor, a broken arm and a smashed knee as well as a broken tibia and collapsed lung. The police said there was no pulse, heartbeat or anything so, he helped the other 2.

A passer by got me going again they got me out. I went again. I was airlifted to the hospital then in the sky they had to zap me with the pattles.

What I saw was a very bright light and then it kind of looked like an endless sky and, at the left I could see a face like outlines of a mans face. Never felt so good in my life no pain, nothing.

I woke up in the hospital after 8 days.

Then dreams 1 or 2 mos. later. Dreams about floating in the air seeing my family.

Why am I still here?

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Monday, May 13, 2002 - 08:56 pm:

As an apprentice electrician in coal mining...I worked along-side a 5th deg...black belt judo champion...he had an ego and constantly picked on older workers...one day I suggested he pick on someone his own age and size...so he came after me...before I knew it I was in a strangle hold...and he was asking me to submit.... never in my life till that point had I ever submitted to anyone...so I would not...he continued to apply pressure till my head was ready to explode...and I would gladly have submitted...but since he had cut off my air supply to my wind pipe and the blood supply to my jugular and was holding me down...there was no way to indicate to him that I was ready to give up....I next found myself in a dark tunnel.....at the end of the tunnel was a bright light...I headed towards the light...then I realized that someone...or...something was closing the door and the light was disappearing...so I ran towards the light...I just managed to put my hand on the door and push !
It opened in time.... as I was being revived...I came around shouting.... I can see you...the after effects were not pleasant at the time.... a flood of realization that this man could have killed me....anger/hostility.

The question which I have till this day is.... when you hear of all these others who have experienced something near death.... why am I the only one that sees the experience the way I do?

I am extremely strong in my belief system and could talk about it and my life’s experiences for days. But your readers would think I am nuts...so I will share one little bit with you...I remember the time prior to my birth...I was in a huge room...it was dimly lit...a voice called me and I went towards it...the voice came from a radiant light...the closer I got the more wondrous was the feeling that became part of me.... the voice said to me.... it’s your turn.... go down and give them a message from me.... tell them I am alive and well.... the next thing I knew I was involved!
I was in an argument with other beings similar to me...over whose turn it was...I remember saying...I was told it was my turn...and the next thing I knew I was being born.... when people would come to look at me I would become extremely excited and try to tell them...I have a message for you...but I could not communicate with them...this happened over and over till one day I got tired of trying and gave up.

I lead a charmed life in many ways growing up...but to cut to the chase...I was 15 and was having all kinds of experiences...when I remembered everything.....since that time I have continued to lead what many would call a charmed life.

I am able to foresee lots of things...but since you are working on the specifics of near death...let me tell you.... god is alive and well...and this is a super holiday we are on...make sure you give more than you take...and hell could only be...to be kept from the light...perhaps you can remember what your message is.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:50 pm:

When I was 22, I literally believe today that my body was being torn apart. I was abused sexually as a young girl, and I was trying to figure out what was "wrong" with me. There were some memories I had always known, and some that I had repressed for years. I think this was tearing me apart inside. I developed (undiagnosed at the time) Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I got to the point where trying to sleep sent me into a panic. My fiancé couldn't even touch me without filling me with loathing and disgust. I was forgetting to eat, drink fluids, or sleep.

I went for 5 nights without sleeping or eating. I may have had some fluids in this time, but it was not very much...not enough to keep me alive at any rate. On the fifth day I tried to go to my classes at the university. I felt so sick. I was not able to think clearly at all and I was in a panic. I tried to call my mother to come get me, but she was at work and I could not remember her work phone number.

There was this group on campus who was really a religious cult. I did not know this at the time and they offered to help me. They took me to their house and told me that I was "possessed." They held me in their house and performed exorcisms on me during my 6th night without sleep. I went once again without food or water or sleep. When they had finally fallen asleep, I called my mother. She immediately sent the cops to the house. The police came and took me to our clinic. I was then sent to the hospital. They never told me at the time, but the doctors told my mom they were not sure if I would make it or not.

While I was in the hospital room, I started to feel the most overwhelming peace I had ever experienced in my lifetime. It simply filled my heart to overflowing. No words can describe it, it was so incredibly beautiful. There was overwhelming light and I started to feel myself headed towards it. I wanted to go!! It was so incredible, but then I heard the nurse start screaming that I must take the medicine. I didn't want it...she was threatening to force it down my throat...I took it and then BAM! I was back in my body altogether...The light started to fade and I HATED it. I hated them for bringing me back. It was at that point I felt "somethings" come into my body. I am part American Indian and I have always believed in the presence of guardians or helpers. It was like they came into me in order to keep me alive. I thought I was in hell, quite frankly. It was as though every single negative emotion I ever had and had repressed took over. I felt like destroying something I was!

So filled with rage. I tried without success to recapture that feeling I had during the NDE. Because I couldn't do it, I thought I was a "bad" person. But recently, I have been feeling that feeling again, not always, but at times, and when I do it is beautiful.

I have to deal with my past and through dealing with the pain I am restored to that state which I believe is all of humanity's natural state...once of bliss and joy!

I cannot put things into my body that are harmful---smoking, drinking, drugs, non-organic foods, caffeine--without feeling sick...I can "sense" things about other people...their emotions---sometimes even dead relatives or spirits around them. I have seen spirits since my NDE.

I know my purpose...simply to heal myself and to help heal other people and restore us to our natural state.

We as humans are so out of balance and we need to become in balance to achieve our full potential.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:41 pm:


View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:39 pm:

I was hospitalized following a miscarriage for what is considered a very routine surgical procedure, a "D & C". Prior to the surgery I was concerned that my blood pressure was extremely low, but no one else appeared to be that concerned. Anyhow, during the surgery, my heart stopped for approximately 2 and 1/2 minutes to 3.

However, as many of us have experienced, time is not the same in the other dimension. I found myself in a lovely, peaceful meadow or field. The grass/flowers were about waist high to me. I remember seeing myself in a long, flowing skirt. I knew that I was all alone, however, I was not alarmed. Now, this sounds ever so simple, but being left alone was always a tough issue for me as our mother abandoned my twin brother and me when we were 18 months old. We were separated and placed in foster homes. Unfortunately, my childhood situation was not always so pleasant; my "family" would not allow me to be a real member and I always struggled with wanting to fit in and be a member. There was alcohol, physical and emotional abuse and it took years of therapy to undo the damage.

So, here I was, all alone and totally at peace with it. What I perceived was an atmosphere of love. I could inhale, hear, feel and touch a palpable sense of being loved. I also knew that there was some type of kind and gentle presence with whom I could communicate mentally, but did not find the need to at that time. I knew that I was loved completely and there was no doubt in my mind. I knew that I was alone and I accepted that and was very calm. I think that there was a tree and I was moving towards the tree (The Tree of Life perhaps?) At some point I felt the sunshine warming the back of my head and I began to slowing turn towards the sunlight to bathe my face in its warmth. I believe that if I had remained in that environment perhaps I would have moved towards the light and had more of an encounter.

Now, I know that my experience is not as profound as some folks. And yet, I think that the two most important issues I had, that of loneliness and worthiness are not my issues alone. I sense that we all have these at the core of our being and it is what motivates many of us to do many things; destructive and otherwise. So I look upon this experience as a real gift. No longer do I fear death. (I'm not thrilled about sustained pain, but I know that it is transitory.) As I mature in my understanding of spiritual matters, I realize that the fears of being unloved and unlovable and the fear of being rejected by others kept me bound up and depressed. I am being more and more liberated each day. I am looking into the eyes of others, whether at the grocery store or at PTA meetings and seeing God's love reflected back. I am taking the time to say, "Hello in there".

Since this experience, my husband, who is an attorney and is wonderfully pragmatic, appeared to also have a newfound appreciation of our marriage and me. I have always been the one on a spiritual path while he is more earthbound. (Together; we make a healthy balance for our children.) He tracked down the medical records because we wanted to be sure of what had happened. I knew, but he needed "proof". I remember that as I was coming to in the O.R., I could feel or hear the panic and concern in the attending physician's voice as he frantically called my name. When I responded to him, I told him that he would never guess where I had been. He had just called a "code blue" and was poised with the blade at my neck, ready to do a tracheotomy. I began to cry then, as I was humbled by the intensity and the gravity of what I had experienced. I kept it to myself for a while, as I thought most people would just think I was oxygen deprived and goofy and would make light of what had!

Been a very precious gift that I had been given. I think that I had been over anesthetized, however that is a moot point because I feel no need to place blame.

I was given a special Valentine that I could tuck away in my heart and take it out and view it anytime. Prior to my experience and since then I have read every book that I could that had to do with NDEs. Just recently I attended an intimate workshop hosted by Dannion Brinkley who emphasized that it is what we do, and how we treat others, that makes the difference in this world and the next.

I will continue to find ways to spread God's endless love in whatever ways I am inspired to do.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:27 pm:

I was 8 years old and went to have my tonsils out. I had received a bad burn at the beach the day before and was uncomfortable with that.

The doctors put a cloth over my nose and mouth and I was instructed to breath in through my nose and out my mouth.

I was scarred at the feeling that I had.

I was in a long black tunnel or vanishing cone with a screaming neon purple light at the end that seemed to draw me in. The sound was like the scream of electrical wires - high pitch and absorbing. I was very scared.
Then I was back.

I have often felt a confusion or sadness that my experience was not of wondrous light and good feelings. But have justified it by the stand that it was not yet my time.

Thank you for this opportunity to share my story.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:24 pm:

Was up at neighborhood park with my young son; had a cyst burst on my ovary and started heavy bleeding; the ambulance took me to the hospital and the fire chief took my young son there also and then called my mother to tell her that I was there; had high fever of 104; remember seeing clouds moving very rapidly and seeing a bright light. Remember a crystal like city and that is all I can remember.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Friday, May 10, 2002 - 10:19 pm:

After 4 month's of heavy drug abuse (speed, XTC, Marihuana, Psilocibee, LSD and Micro trips. I started to have unpleasant experiences on LSD.

I thought that I was able to play with my life. But I would go on. And one day in the highest point of my use (abuse) I took that LSD trip in a small room filled with 4 ore 5 persons. After a little moment I was completely gone out of reality. The persons who I was with tried to wake me but no response. I did not move for about 3 hours. My experience: I think that I had an Out-of-body experience but I do not remember seeing myself. After that, and this I do remember very well, saw flashes of things that I had done in my life, those flashes came with comments if I was good or bad, I was very afraid at the time. Then everything calmed down. And then came the very clear white light, closer and closer at this moment. I heard voices and it was like they were arguing if they would let me in yes or no some said "no, he is not ready yet".
Hers said yes let him in" and as I came closer to the light the voices became clearer, and I started to see a small black hole in the big clear light. I think that I went thru the black hole and then I woke up. And I found myself at the same spot in the same position as I had left this materialistic world. I had peed in my pants. I felt very scared and did not realize what had happened to me.

I still don't really know if it was just hallucinations or something else. But I know that at the end it is beautiful, that if you live a good life it will even be better, and that I am not afraid to die although I love life
even as it is a hard time out here!

I hope this info has been useful for you. I am sorry for my written
English I know it is very bad!

If you know what happened to me this day please let me know.

Have a great life! You really deserve it if you're good to the other.

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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