NDE Accounts

Archive through May 09, 2002

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 11:02 pm:

In the spring of 1972 I was living in San Francisco. I was six months pregnant with my first child. I began to miscarry and in the confusion to get to the hospital, we were involved in a traffic accident. I was still conscious when I arrived at St. Luke's ER.

An ER physician told me I had lost the equivalent of 4 milk-cartons of blood. There was a delay in getting a specialist to attend me as she was working at another hospital across town. I lost consciousness and distinctly remember floating above myself. I remember seeing the busy ER staff working frantically on me and I remember seeing my husband and my best friend, Anne, crying and holding each other in the hallway outside the ER.
They were so sad and I wanted to tell them that I was fine. I felt so sorry for them. I felt no pain and was wonderfully at peace. I continued to float away and thought, "Hey, where's the ceiling?" I rolled over in the air and there was no ceiling, only softly roiling gray clouds. In the far distance on my right was a soft-white globe of light that I felt drawn toward.
When I got nearer the light it was all encompassing, but it wasn't white. It was molecular light made of fantastic colours. It was moving in ever-changing geometric patterns. I realized that this light is what everything is made of.

The light had a consciousness, which was both masculine and feminine. A masculine voice said, "She's not supposed to be here now." The feminine voice said something and they laughed. I didn't understand the joke. They told me something that I do not remember.

The next thing I knew was intense pain, as I awoke in the OR. I was being operated on without anesthetic because of my blood loss. I was told later that I had been defibrillated. The woman physician who operated on me was Chinese. My own physician was on holiday at the time.
The baby, a boy, had a large hole in his heart and had died a week before I miscarried him. They told me he could not have lived.

In the greater scheme of things, I tried to put this experience behind me, but I never felt the same about life. Within a year, I left my husband and my life in San Francisco. I moved to Canada. Within two years I became a Buddhist, a vegetarian, and remarried. I became a paramedic, and later a trainer of paramedics. I have returned to school three times and have a variety of academic credentials, including a degree in psychology. I have three children and ten years ago became a journalist.

I have spoken often among family and friends about my experience. My psychic abilities have dramatically increased, (among many experiences too numerous to mention, I've won 5 out of 6 in the lottery three times) and my children are often amused by my electrical incompatibilities, which I find incomprehensible.

My experience changed my world-view and I am often dismayed by the inconsideration and contempt with which we treat each other. War horrifies me. Exploitation of the poor is anathema to me. The vast majority of humans are so shortsighted that it's like being the only sighted person among legions of the blind.
No one gets out of life alive. In each lifetime we are only here for a short time and love and compassion are the most important gifts we give or lessons we can learn.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 10:51 pm:

I had gone on a weekend party to Big Sur in Cal. I swam all day it seemed. It got late and close to dinner time so I got dried and fresh clothes on and went down by the water to look for shells. I just got wet up to my ankles when out of no where [my back was turned] a big wave came up over me and washed me back so fast I only got a mouth full of water. So fast, it washed me back up on the shore and I was coughing so hard, the sand was so fine there was nothing to hold on to and, nothing to grab. I was choking and another wave came over me again and washed me back again, again I couldn't get any air. It threw me back on shore again and it took me back into the water a third time. I remember like it was yesterday.
It seemed that I was watching for a moment in my mind and said to myself I think this is it. I am going to die. I knew I was not getting out of this. I found myself relaxing almost involuntarily. As soon as I did, I was up out of the water and looking down at the water then, looked
around at the sun, it did not hurt my eyes, the air somehow looked sparkly, more real. I tried looking at me then, saw people on the shore. It didn't look like any one knew what had happened. I looked at my body in the water and it looked like clothes in a washing machine tumbling around. My body was not me. I asked where is this and felt everything was so alive and aware of me and safe, remarkably safe.
The next thing I knew my boyfriend had me up by my hair and, I felt a strong snap and I was back in my body with people standing around and my friend working on me and tiring to get all the sand and water out of me. I couldn't say anything to anyone. I figured if I said anything no one would understand. I went for years without talking to anyone, looking in books, the bible. I went to Ministers looking for answers. At that time I had never heard anything about near-death experiences. I got very Ill for a while, and soon started hearing about other people so I continued to study. I did find out about out-of-body travel and, got to go back at will. Very nice I must say.
I believe it was meant to happen for me to know that we do not die, I could go on and on but I'd better go for now.
Thank you for this opportunity, this means alot to me. Again thank you

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 10:28 pm:

My most recent “Near Death Experience” happened on April 30, 2001, about midmorning, while I was driving my car. They believe that my heart stopped, which caused me to slump over the wheel and crossover the centerline into the opposite lane and onto a side street where my car crashed into a banking on the right side of the road. The car was still in gear with the engine revving and tires spinning when an off duty Rescue/Fireman, who was traveling three cars behind me, stopped and shut the car off. As luck would have it, I had crossed the road in front of, but not anywhere near hitting, two police cruisers. They stopped to assist.

I had no pulse or respiration. The Rescue/Fireman was able to insert an airway and stabilize me, as much as possible, before the Ambulance arrived. They shocked me close to 20 times and were able to administer medications before I arrived at the hospital. At the hospital, they did their thing: unplugged my heart arteries and put in two stints. I was in a coma for nine days with a mild case pneumonia that developed around the third day.

Some related and interesting elements of the entire event were such things as the responding Ambulance was from my hometown on a mutual aid call, with one of the rescue personnel being a longtime friend of mine. The head of Cardiology for the hospital was actually on ER call that morning. Ultrasound tests have shown that I have suffered no heart muscle damage from the cardiac event.

In answer to what I “saw” on the “other side” during my “Near Death Experience” was simply a deep, dark, obsidian black, thought and blood freezing cold that was sensuously inviting and all encompassing.

While I was fading in and out of my coma, there seemed to be a heightened awareness of my senses, coupled with the sights, thoughts and sounds of a TV-stylized static screen. That was reeking with a nostril burning smell of hydrocarbon vapors, while every single nerve ending was tingling with a prickling sensation. Similar to the one when ‘your hair stands on end’. My life’s consciousness to its existence felt as though I had a choice to pick either Life or Death.

My (imagined) choice was to cocoon myself within myself to heal myself from within, and while I was aware of ‘things or happenings’ beyond the shell of my cocoon. I chose to ignore ‘it’ until I felt well enough to deal with ‘it’, which, at that time, I didn’t have the faintest idea of what ‘it’ was beyond my protective shell.

During the transition period of semi-consciousness, I (sometimes) chose to return to the coma. Although, for most of the time, it was just because I was so damned exhausted and it took so much effort just to stay awake.

There was an almost entire lack of pain (Thank God) and my presence seemed transparent, hollow, like a section of bamboo with (an imagined?) hypersensitivity to both physical and psychic stimuli. A host of questions plagued (and sometimes still plagues) me, such as, “Why did I survive, instead of someone else more worthy to live than I?” “Is there a reason why I was brought back?” “Did I really want to return to life?” ”Will I be able to continue to walk and teach on a sacred path, and better yet, will I be able to recognize it?” And I know that those questions and many others like them will probably continue to go on and on and on for myself, as well as, for almost everyone else who has ever questioned their reason for their existence.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 10:20 pm:

Awoke from a "dead" sleep having an acute M.I. and called 911. Transported to hospital and "flat lined" 15 minutes later. Defibrillated x6 during which time I experienced complete warm fuzzy feeling, tranquility, free from pain and then going into a tunnel and seeing a woman with a hat who was familiar but unknown (looked like Erma Bombeck or Bella Abzug) We communicated without words and then I felt a great deal of pain and awoke while shouting at the staff to "stop doing whatever they were doing" (using a defibrillator @ 360, which hurts) and then realized they were the code team that revived me... and thought, wow, that was weird...who was the lady in the hat?

Note: The survival rate for what I experienced is very low. My MI was as a result of what is known as a "spontaneous dissection" of a coronary artery (the myocardium of the coronary artery dissects/splits and in this case, flapped over itself closing my artery 100%, later a second artery dissected), a very rare medical event that in 80-90% of cases kills people within 5-15 minutes). I believe that some life force or will prevented me from dying---statistically, I should have died 4 times!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, May 9, 2002 - 10:14 pm:

On January 18, 2001 I began to feel intense abdominal pain. I called for an ambulance to come to my apartment and by the time it arrived my right side had become very rigid. Upon my arrival at the hospital I was diagnosed with severe peritonitis due to the rupture of my appendix some time before. The emergency room doctor declared my condition very serious and ordered that I be prepared for operation as soon as possible.

Although I was semi-delirious from the pain, I could hear what the doctor was saying and because of my background as a medical and biochemical translator I understood that I had a life-threatening condition.

The preparations for the operations were completed and I was in the operating room awaiting the arrival of the surgeon who would perform the operation. I remembered that I hadn't said the prayers which I usually say every morning so I began to say them to myself silently as I was waiting. As I reached the end I seemed to slip into a somehow different state and began asking myself whether I was ready to die and to leave behind everything I had known in my life. Am I ready to leave my profession? Am I ready to leave my passion for music? I said yes to these questions one by one. The last was: Am I willing to leave my two children? I said yes and suddenly felt myself become lighter and free of pain although I still felt my body and could feel that my side was rigid. I was then told; not with words but in some way that I felt very deep inside me, that it was not my time to die but that when the time would come there was absolutely nothing to fear and nothing to be lost. I felt a!
Strong feeling of exhilaration despite my weak condition.

Shortly thereafter the anesthesiologist began to administer the general anesthetic and I lost consciousness.

I regained consciousness and was taken to a room at the hospital. The first nurse who came to see me seemed rather worried and said she heard that I had had a very difficult time in the recovery room. I didn't understand exactly what she meant, but based on her comments and those of the doctors, it seems that I went into shock or had some sort of crisis during or after the operation. As the general anesthetic wore off I felt tremendous pain. The medical personnel refused to give me any painkillers, saying that it might be dangerous for my heart.

The surgeon who performed the operation came to see me the following day. He said that he was shocked by what he saw during the operation and that my appendix must have ruptured almost five days before! He didn't believe me when I said that I had felt no pain at all until the attack, which led me to call the ambulance. He warned of possible complications during recovery and stressed the importance of my will to recover.

The days that followed were filled with pain and discomfort and accompanied by hallucinations induced by the morphine and massive doses of antibiotics, which I was given.

The first change I noticed in myself was that I no longer feared death. The possibility of life-threatening complications, which the surgeon had mentioned, did not disturb me although I was determined to follow his instructions for enhancing my recovery.

I seemed to be doing simple gestures in new ways but at first I thought this was due to my condition and to the medications.

I was released from the hospital one week later. When I entered my apartment I had a very strange sensation, as if I was entering for the first time, but also as if only part of me was entering.

The period of my convalescence was difficult because of my condition and the need to go to the hospital every two days to have my wounds checked, and also because my wife fell into a state of depression at exactly that time.

Nevertheless, as the weeks went by I felt more and more serene and began to see life with a sort of joy that went very far beyond what I had known before.

I have believed in God since my childhood although I was never really a member of any church and never attended services regularly. Starting about two months after my experience I found myself drawn to reading the Bible and even more so to the works of modern spirituality authors such as Deepak Chopra and Neal Walsch. I felt a compulsion to read these books although I had never heard of the authors and purchased the books almost at random. The Bible seemed clearer to me than ever before. The books spoke like reminders of a truth, which I had always known but somehow forgotten.

At the time I didn't associate my new interest in spiritual reading with my near death experience. I didn't even understand that I had had a NDE because I had never read anything on the subject other than some skeptical newspaper articles. It was only when I read about near death experiences in Conversations with God and other books that I realized that these seemed to correspond to my experience.

As I write this text, more or less on the one-year anniversary of my near death experience, I feel that I have become a very different person. My notions of spirituality and life purpose have changed greatly. I see the world and my fellow beings very differently. I do not fear death and live in acceptance of the revelation I was given: Death is not the end of anything and all our real needs will be taken care of. Where before I saw mostly contradictions in spirituality, in the world, in history, everything now seems very coherent.

I can see now that my NDE started a process of change which has gone on throughout the year since then and which seems to be continuing.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 - 10:49 pm:

I wasn't sure how to answer most of the questions since I was a baby when it happened. I was wondering if it is the reason why I know things.
Before it happens, and I don't want to sound like a nut, but a man's voice talks to me when something bad is about to happen, sometimes while I sleep he tells me, he is very kind and I know his voice, then he comforts me and explains why it happens. Other times when I'm awake he'll call my name then, tells me somethings wrong,go call ect..this isn't like you hear of people hearing voices telling them to do this and that, not at all. I'm completly sane. It has only happened a few times in my life. It started as a young child ,he told me that I was going to be real sick but not
to be afaid he would be with me,two days later I was in the hospital and almost died, I was four and I can still remember the preacher praying for me. I seen him that time he told me.
Then one night in my sleep he was a bright light and he told me that my brother's heart stopped and not to be scared because he showed him the way back. Then my mom woke me up and she was crying, I spoke first and told her Scott was ok that his heart was started again and that he had O.D. , She asked how I knew I told her I dreamed it. Then my grandfather died, the voice told me again, he said, that it was ok because people don't really die just their bodies do. I got out of bed and went and told my mom, she said it was a bad dream but just then the phone rang with news of his passing. This has happened through out my life, but the one that really stands out was the night my mother was dying and she was afaid to go to sleep. I prayed and prayed for her,then he spoke once again he told me to tell her to go to sleep and that she would wake up, then the next time she would see a beautiful light and there would be Polly, Mac and Grandmom and she should go to them it would be alright. It happened as he said,and right before she left she looked up at me and she smiled and said he was right I see them. She died of cancer. I have also seen ghosts at times, though they never talk. This man's voice is like I've known it all my life there is no fear of it. I don't talk about it because I don't want people to think I'm nuts,
I can't explain why it tells me things that will happen, but I know that it is kind. I thought that maybe when I was a baby and drowned in the pool, a lady came out of the hotel and got the water out of my lungs and started me breathing again, that maybe he was there with me and showed me the way back. I'm not afaid of dying because I know that he will be there to help me,though I hope that it will be many many many years from now. One time I dreamed of my deceased grandfather and he told me that "Karen I didn't come for you I just wanted Suger Plum" (HIS CAT). I got up out of bed scared to death and my brother was up so I told him. Trying to calm me down he took me outside to show me the cat was ok. there it laid it hadn't been long dead and not a mark on it. I know who is on the phone 9 times out 10,who is coming to visit, and alot of times what they are going to say. I can not tune into people's thoughts at will but I have picked up on some.
I have immediate dislike for some people upon meeting them and I know why, I pick up on the bad things they either have done or will do, been 100% right on this. I have had people steal from us ,three different times and each time knew exactly who did it and went right to them and got our things back. This last time a boy stole money from where my daughter worked, she was the manager so it would have come out of her pocket, I sat there for a few minutes and then knew where the money was and who stole it. I walked outside and sure enough there it was under the dumpster. I got a summons to go to court, but was excused from it, how could I get up there and say it dawned on me, I told her who to call as witnesses and he got 90 days. Any way I was hoping that you could help me understand these things and why it happens to me. Also I seem to know what an animal wants by
the sounds he makes,like if the dog outside barks,I know why he is barking most of the time, even the neigbor's dogs. They don't just bark to hear them selfs. I know the bark for water, strange animal, person, the I'm cold whine, I have noticed that they very rarely bark when hungry, but they will hop up and down instead. But that could come from being around them all my life. There was one time though that I was at a friends barn looking at the horses when one started making faces at me then made sounds like he was choking, I told my daughter he was telling us he wanted water and sure enough we went in and there was none and that was exactly what he wanted, so yea he did tell me, he drank a full bucket. I guess I listen to them.
Anyway any thing you can tell me would be a help, like I said I'm a sane person there is no history of mental illness at all. I am a normal everyday house wife. I'm just more aware of things around me than most people

Narratives may be edited to ensure anonymity, correct spelling, etc.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Tuesday, May 7, 2002 - 10:46 pm:

In 1974 after experiencing a very powerful Marriage Encounter weekend I had a dream-vision which changed my whole perspective on living. The 44-hour weekend was very enlightening, very moving, draining and most of all a significant moment in my life and my relationship with my husband, children, parents and the whole universe.
On the Friday following the Marriage Encounter weekend, Memorial Day Weekend, I put our 2 year Lisa down for a nap and still being tired from the week following our experience, I took a nap around 1:30 in the afternoon before going to work at 5:30 PM. Before falling asleep I asked myself why my step-dad Marcel (who died in October 1973) was so disillusioned with life and gave up on himself and the ones who loved him.? At precisely 2:55 PM, 5 minutes before Donna and Joanne were scheduled to get home from school, I had the following experience. The answer came from deep deep inside of me? My dad was hurting because no one chose to understand and listen to his feelings, his believes, his thoughts, no one really gave to him the understanding that he needed. Also within me the awareness that hurt is a very self-centered emotion and if you let go of hurt, love can grow again. Seconds after this knowledge came to me, I experienced a great love from my step-dad Marcel (died in 1973), followed by the same great love from my father Alfred (died in 1944 Battle of the Bulge) and than a tremendous overwhelming love from God, my Father. Arms enveloping me all three together as one being.
Having been terribly afraid of death and not believing that I was good enough to receive eternal life, this experience gave me the answer to the question of life after life. At that same moment I was lifted above the couch, saw my nonmoving body on the couch, saw my funeral procession with my children, husband and tried to get up from the couch and could not until I truly believed that if I let go of my self-centeredness I would be free. I immediately remembered that Lisa was napping and told myself that I needed to come back to take care of her. I came to just enough to notice that it was 2:55p m. When Donna and Joanne came home I was overwhelmed, my uncle Fern, unexpectedly came to see me, and I explained what happened, he told me that he had had a similar experience. Hearing him tell his story helped a little but after he left I called Dick and told him I was dying and to come straight home.
It took many years and numerous other dream-vision experiences for me to settle in a routine again with my family. Crossing over to the other side is very overwhelming, I am not the same person, my values, beliefs were almost turned upside down. Much that was important to me before took a different place in my life, like keeping the house spic and span, I was a bit of a neat freak but that took a back seat. My relationships took more meaning, especially my husband, children, my mom. I didn't care as much about what would people say if my house wasn't up to par, or if I didn't have the latest fashions or car. Owning a house wasn't that important and keeping up with the neighbors etc.
I took more risks and took over a religious bookstore and turned it into a pretty nice bookstore that grew leaps and bounds. Even after we second mortgaged our home it was a chance that I wanted to take to keep the bookstore open. Unfortunately, we closed the bookstore after 14 years because we just didn't have the capital to keep on going.
After my near-death experience, I looked for answers and luckily I found some wonderful authors who had written on these experiences. One of the best from Carl Jung's own near-death experience. After the first experience, I had a few others but it was just too much, after awhile I was afraid to close my eyes and go to sleep, I asked God not to continue because I had to get back to life and start living again, people were counting on me, so the visions left. A few years later they would come back but not as frequent and I could better assimilate the dream-visions into my life.
In 1981 Dick had two heart attacks and in 1982 by-pass surgery. It was a very stressful time in the life of our family. Donna just graduating from high school didn't have her dad present and Joanne and especially Lisa were very afraid of their dad dying. Dick had a very determined mindset that he would beat this brush with death, and we were all given a second chance. In 1993 Dick had angina and had to have the by-pass again, recovery was a little more difficult but he was a trooper and has a good outlook on life. Fortunately, for us he never went into depression but rose above it all, we are grateful for his faith and positive state of mind, it made it easier to go through these difficult times.
In May of 1995 I was diagnosed with breast cancer. People around were astonished at my rising above it all. Let me say that I was not afraid to die but still wanted to live, I had much to gain and everything to lose. Donna was pregnant with our first grandchild, Rachel who was born on Sept. 25, 1995, the apple of my eye. I had tremendous support at home, my children and my coworkers. I had started my new job in Jan. of 1995 and was determined not to take too much time off. I went through a lumpectomy, chemo and radiation. The chemo was the worst because of nausea and the breaking down of my immune system. I wasn't pleased with the chemo and opted for only 3 months instead of 6 months, overstepping all my doctors advice. This I did knowing the consequences but also believing that if you destroy the immune system and you need it to fight cancer, it was and still is a paradox. Since 1983 our family has taken nutritional supplements and I believe that made all the difference going through these years of stress and physical duress. After numerous biopsies and close calls I am cancer free but the tension is there every time I have a mammogram. Being at peace is something I have to work at every day. My daily mantra is: "Be still and know that I AM".

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, May 1, 2002 - 04:50 pm:

My grandmother was an inpatient at the local hospital where I am employed. During her stay, the hospital called me at home one morning and asked me to come right away, that my grandmother was hysterical and they were unable to do anything with her, and she kept screaming my name.

After we arrived, it took some time to calm her and get her to the point where she could talk about it, but eventually, we were able to get this story out of her.

Grandma said that she was laying in her hospital bed, when she suddenly felt like she was floating. She turned around, and looked down at her body laying on the bed, then looked ahead to see a bright light and a long grassy hill. She said that her first thought was "there is no way that I can climb that hill" before she was floating above it to whereever her destination lay. She said she could smell roses everywhere, and as she reached the crest of the hill, there were roses of every color and size. She told us that their scent was almost overwhelming, the smell was so sweet. She continued on, over the roses, and at the top of the hill there stood a crowd of people. She said that she recognized my grandfather, her mother and father, her brothers, and several other family members, but then an angel of unspeakable beauty stopped her as she headed toward them. She said that she recognized the angel as being my mother (her daughter) who told her "now is not your time, you can't stay here yet. Go back, and tell my children how much I loved them, and they are still loved." She said my mother said other things to her, but she could not remember them.

She told us that she could feel herself falling as she "came back" to her body on earth, and she was so hysterical because she didn't want to come back. She said that she could see the city shining in the distance, that the whole place was so beautiful that it hurt your eyes to look at it for very long, and that there was a bright, white light that emanated from the center of the city in the distance.

Her story circulated through our family, and we had several phone calls from family members, and a long distance visitor. Our cousin kept asking repeatedly for grandma to describe the people she saw on the hilltop.

Grandma said that there was one boy with longer blond hair that she had never seen before. She said that he was standing off by himself, away from the others, with his head hanging down, as if he was sad. Our cousin cried when she heard this, because she had just lost a grandson to suicide. She showed grandma his school picture, and grandma said, "Yes, that was him, but he looked so sad there. I don't know why he seemed so sad." None of us knew about this boy's suicide until that day.

One month to the day of her "vision", my grandmother died. Her vision of heaven still affects every one in our family.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:30 pm:

I was depressed, and felt as if life was not worth living, I felt as if I failed to achieve "something" that I should have, but just could not
understand. I wanted to talk to God. one on one. to know who God really is, not who church and other say. I slashed my wrist, and as I bled I was of a mindset that all that mattered was I was going to encounter "God", be it good of bad, it was going to be a real experience. I felt myself giving up my mortal thoughts and then an overwhelming feeling of "HOME" filled me. For the first time in my life I felt I was HOME. All sorrow and pain melted away, and the Universe exploded with a sense of welcome. I in my total being accepted this experience and wanted to stay there. But all that filled me, told me (in radiance like thought) that I now have what I've needed, and my place is among the living , and must return. No, I wanted to stay, but I could feel myself slipping back into my body.

I awoke in my body, with a slightly healed slash, the tendons and artery where no longer cut, only the skin and the blood vessels. Since then I been part of and witness to many things that others would call make believe, fantasy. I am aware of the energy to creation, the one bond we all share. I don't fear "death" rather I look forward to it. I have found myself atoned to healing and feeling what is "wrong" with others. My life is not about what I have or can achy! eve, I seek to understand what I "am". Perhaps I am just nuts, I've only talked about with very few, and mostly I find that other do not understand where I come from.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:25 pm:

When I was 13yrs old I was in surgery for appendicitis when my appendix ruptured during the surgery. My first memory is that of seeing a silver dome below me, later realizing this was the top of the operating room light. I saw the medical team working on my physical body and sensed their "panic" and sincere concern for me. I knew my body was being taken care of and that left me free to go. Go where? As soon as I had the thought, a light appeared in the distance above me. I felt a motion pulling forward and just went in the direction of the light. There was a brief period of darkness but I had no sense of fear. I remember thinking that I should be afraid but I was pleased that I was not.

As I came to be in the light there was a presence of someone with me. I did not consciously know who this was but I trusted this presence completely. I remember seeing hundreds of people welcoming me back, like they were glad to see me. I don't remember knowing any of them and yet somehow I knew them all. I was told that I must go to meet someone who was waiting for me. As I was in the presence of this one I was to meet, the light was became so bright that I thought that this light should hurt my eyes and yet it did not. From my perspective at the time this being was the Father I had been taught about in heaven. He held out his arms and I went to him so naturally and was held by him.

I remember feeling small and completely in awe of the beauty of this pure love I was being surrounded by. We had much conversation without saying any words. One of my greatest memories is that of all knowledge being available. If I had a question in my thought, I immediately had the answer. If I thought "what's over there", I found myself "over there". This was great fun! I was home and I wanted to stay! The Father told me I did not have to go back but I would have to make a choice. There was no question in my mind that I wanted to stay. He said, he understood but! asked me to spend some time in the garden and really think about why I chose to enter into this life in the first place. Oh, the garden thankfully, a place I have not forgotten.

I found myself seemingly physically alone at the same time knowing I was not exactly alone in this most beautiful place. There was a large tree shading the most incredibly green grass surrounded by flowers of every color, size & shape that ever existed. I heard a humming sound like a tone of some kind. When I looked I became aware of the individual sound each flower made, like each flower was very much alive and had its own personality by the tone that it made. All flowers together made a sound of perfection & harmony. I asked the Father in thought, "what is in the soil that would create such beautiful flowers?" He answered, and I felt him smiling, " unconditional love". Every living thing will find its own perfection with unconditional love.

I told him that I did want to stay but felt I needed to somehow let my parents know not to be sad or angry if I did not come back. I felt if I could just explain to them where I was they wouldn't mind so much. The next thing I remember I was back at the hospital and saw my mom walking next to a bed I was lying on. I remember calling her name and being right in front of her face calling to her and she could not hear me. I then woke up in the recovery room pulling at the oxygen mask that made me feel like I was suffocating.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:23 pm:

I was 9yrs old and swimming in a lake with other children. I was at a
summer camp during my school vacation. I dove off a platform in the middle of the lake and when I tried to come up for air, another child dove in and struck me in the center of my chest. The remaining air was expelled from my lungs immediately and I was stunned. I drifted to the bottom of the lake and was swallowed up by tall weeds growing there. I was shocked and very afraid at the time and quickly the pain in my oxygen starved lungs began to increase to a point where I didn't think I couldn't stand it any longer. I couldn't move however, I was still stunned. The water was so cold and everything was very dark. What seemed like a long time passed and everything grew dark and light at the same time!

I know this doesn't make sense but I'll try to explain. I blacked out at the same time a light that illuminated a completely different field of vision. I no longer saw the dark bottom of the lake but instead a bright light that didn't hurt my eyes to look at. I don't think there was anything around me but that light! It was then that I noticed just how peaceful and wonderful everything was. There was nothing to do except bask in this wonderful feeling/place.

I don't think it was very long until I heard/felt a voice from somewhere, my head I think, saying that I didn't belong there. All of a sudden I became fearful. I have to stop at this point to kind of emphasize just what a shock fear was to me in that state of bliss that I had been in. That shock of fear seemed like it was the thing that put out the light and caused me go back into the void(word borrowed from your list BTW, good choice!) I woke up on the top of the platform coughing water out of my lungs. A lifeguard who knew CPR found me after I hadn't come up in some time. I had no breathing and no pulse. I guess the whole experience lasted about 15 min from the time I dove off the platform to the time I remember waking up on the raft. Well, that's it...there's a lot more to tell about the changes that occurred throughout my life but I'll save that for someone who has any interest in that part of it. Thank you for the opportunity to tell my story!
God Bless You All!

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:21 pm:

While undergoing knee replacement surgery in Aug 1997, I developed
complication from an overdose of anesthetic. I drifted in and out of
Consciousness for five days and my family was advised that I might not pull through. During the periods of unconsciousness I was accompanied by two hooded, robed, figures that stayed just out of my field of vision so I couldn't see there faces, but was very aware that they were with me. They meant me no harm and I understood that clearly.

When I recovered they went away. Their presence was comforting and my interpretation of what happened is that they were friendly spirits possibly from my past that would escort me to the other side if necessary. Following my release from the hospital my personality underwent an amazing transformation. I went from uptight, highly aggressive type A, to fairly relaxed, philosophical and highly appreciative of nature. I also went from agnostic with a Southern Baptist background to being a Wicca with Shamanistic tendencies. I had little previous knowledge of Pagan beliefs and practices but was actively seeking knowledge as soon as I got out of the hospital.

I no longer fear death and may appear aloft to friends and relatives. This is not intentional! I just don't feel the need to get irritated about every little thing and feel that every day we have a choice between pleasure and pain. I choose to enjoy and savor life and thank God/Goddess for my experience during surgery.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:19 pm:

I've been looking for a long time for a place to write my light experience. On 17MAR99, I experienced a heart event (atria fibrillation), which began around 2100 at the end of an extremely productive day on a USS at sea. My heart stopped twice on board and once later at the hospital ashore. During the first event, I felt as though I was in a tunnel traveling quickly as though on a roller coaster with flashes of light but could not discern anything really visible.

While at the hospital ashore, my heart stopped again and I went to a gray void area and was looking around into the darkness when a lighted doorway appeared or beckoned me from my distant right. Above and around the door was a moving ghostly white fog (Holy Ghost?) and as I moved toward it a woman appeared within the lighted door frame and she was either waving toward me or to someone in the light. I saw large light waves kaleidoscope into the darkness and smaller ones kaleidoscope off a large diamond ring on her finger. I was moving toward the light getting closer and closer (seeing clouds and blue sky? on the other side) when suddenly I was pushed and found myself awakening in the hospital with a frantic doctor over me. I remarked, " That was the best, most peaceful sleep I ever had...I needed that." And feeling as though I had slept for hours.

The doctor told me, "We thought you were gone and that they had lost me" while my heartbeat was still erratic and remained so throughout the night. But after the light visit, I could now sense when it was going to stop and fought through it until I was finally given some medication at 0600 the next day, which stabilized me immediately, and I finally slept awhile. They performed a heart ablation procedure on 26MAR01 and I've been good to go since; however, the experience caused me some anxiety and I was fearful of sleeping and not waking up. During the month MAR-APR I experienced dream visions of dead people visiting me or trying to tell! me where there body was or perhaps of someone's potential death in the future.

After my follow-up 26APR I felt less and less anxiety but then I started to get awake visions as though ghosts spoke to me telling me of good things for my family and others while also helping me avoid bad things for my family and others. I feel gifted but I'm not sure what for or what with.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Thursday, April 4, 2002 - 12:12 pm:

I was in my room, I had been diagnosed with double viral pneumonia, with only about 8% lung capacity. I had always been a hard worker, and was actually working on a ladder in the rain before I went to the doctor. I was in bad shape, when I finally laid back and "fell asleep", I had the strangest sensation. I felt as if I was out of my body, and was traveling at a high rate of speed to another place. I was frightened out of my mind, so frightened, in fact, that had I been in my body I would have had a heart attack.

I arrived in a very different place, in a very different state. There were people around me that I was aware of, but I couldn't "see" them in the conventional sense. I had a sort of 360 degree awareness. There was another there with me, a guide, who was answering my questions. I knew she was female, and had been in her twenties when she died, and she was blonde. I knew that she was my guide on this side. Communication was really different, as I didn't speak. I felt thoughts welling up inside of me and there were answered immediately. There were no words, it seemed that it was all feeling, all intuitive. Knowledge of anything I wanted to know was instantly transferred without language. I was informed that were I was there was no time or space restrictions and I could go anywhere and any-when I wanted by power of will. I had all this power suddenly open to me. I was still emotionally upset about this new condition that I found myself in and asked "I can do anything?

I can have everything? Am I God?" It was at this time I discovered that there is a sense of humor on the other side! My guide informed me that I was not God, and all I had to do was to think, to will a place and time and I would be there. I did I wanted to see New York in the 1940's. We were transported to a dark alley in Brooklyn. I could see living figures dressed in long overcoats and Fedora's, and an old car. I could even read the license plate. I was also aware of other beings there that were not alive in the physical senses of the word. They had a blueish tinge to them. My guide had a golden-greenish tinge, like masses of undefined energy. I believed that I was going to be there forever. I thought " I'm dead, this is where I will be now". But I felt myself pulled back. No one was more surprised at this than my guide. I believe that she didn't know that I was going back. I felt the heaviness and the disease in my body as I re-entered. I felt my lungs heavy and painful, as if my body was lead.

When I awoke, all I could do was smile and laugh softly. For about fifteen minutes, I felt outrageously happy, although I wanted to go back immediately. I wanted to tell someone about this experience, but I felt as if they would dismiss it as a dream. It was definitely not a dream, I was there! Or they would think I was a nutcase. Either way, I haven't told many people about this, and when I do trust someone enough to tell them my story, I preface it by saying " now, there is no proof, and this might be a dream..." just to retain my credibility. The experience is as fresh in my mind as if it happened yesterday. No mere dream has ever lasted that long. I went in for an operation since that experience, and I was actually looking forward to the anesthetic, thinking that it would bring me back to my near death experience again. I was disappointed, however, as it just resulted in a "lost time" experience, it merely seemed like I fell asleep then woke up immediately, when in fact it was three hours later. I have not had an experience like the "death dream" since.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous on Wednesday, April 3, 2002 - 01:30 pm:

Je suis un peu gêné de vous écrire pour une sorte d'expérience non consciente et cela pour deux raisons.

Premièrement elle remonte à fort loin (1961) et deuxièmement je ne suis pas en mesure d'apporter un témoignage autre que le mien. De plus il ne s'agit pas d'une NDE, ma vie n'ayant jamais été en danger.

En 1961 j'étais militaire appelé en Algérie, avec un petit grade de sergent. Nous vivions dans un village qui avait été occupé par des colons français, c'est à dire qu'il ne s'agissait pas de "derb", ou de "village arabe", mais de construction en dur qui rappelaient, d'assez loin quand même, les constructions rurales de métropole. Sachant lire et écrire (oui, c'était rare) j'avais été affecté au poste de commandement du capitaine qui commandait à cette époque un escadron.

En tant que sous-off je disposais d'un chauffeur, alors que je préférais conduire moi-même. Le chauffeur qui m'avait été affecté était un gentil bidasse rustique, qui avait appris à conduire à l'armée et qui, s'il se doutait intuitivement de la fonction du volant, n'en avait pas une perception ni une maniabilité parfaites.

Le mercredi était jour de marché au village et les villageois des alentours apportaient qui une poule famélique, qui une viande, qui quelques légumes. Le tout se passait dans une certains bonne humeur, le barbier barbait, l'arracheur de dents arrachait, avec ce merveilleux davier jamais aseptisé hérité de la colonisation.

Traversant un village, et où le marché se tenait, mon chauffeur heurta un petit arabe de huit à dix ans de l'aile avant droite de sa jeep.

Ces véhicules étaient construits par des militaires, pour des militaires et à usage militaire. Personne n'avait pensé que l'aile des roues avant était susceptible d'entailler profondément un cou de gamin. On ne saurait penser à tout

Peut-être entaillé à la carotide, le gamin pissait le sang avec allégresse, sans pleurer (c'était un petit arabe et non un petit européen). L'avantage des jeeps, c'est que les portes ne se coincent pas, il n'y a pas de portes.

J'ai sauté hors du véhicule, pris le gamin dans les bras et me suis fait conduire à l'infirmerie. L'étudiant en médecine qui effectuait comme nous son service militaire avait déjà vu du sang et ne tourna pas de l'aeil. Quand à moi, une horreur maladive de l'hémoglobine m'interdit de tenir le gamin pendant que l'homme-médecine officiait.

De ce fait, libéré de mon devoir qui consistait à amener le blessé auprès d'une compétence relative, je regagnais mon trou à rats, pour me laver et me changer, le sang s'étant gaillardement répandu sur ma chemise et mon pantalon. Pour cela, il fallait traverser un espace vide de 200 mètres environ. Je passe les détails , mais le soleil, l'odeur du sang, une sorte de sensibilité, voire de sensiblerie, pour un enfant blessé et hop, dans les pâmes.

Quelques éléments de la soldatesque m'ayant vu choir de toute ma hauteur, couvert de sang, me crurent blessé dans une quelconque échauffourée dont ils n'auraient eu vent.

Je me suis réveillé quasiment nu sur mon châlit, entouré de l'admiration générale et de cette chaude odeur de militaire à laquelle un troufion de carrière venait mêler la sienne dans laquelle je reconnus quelques relents de bière pour sous-officiers (j'ai toujours eu beaucoup de respect pour la chose militaire..).

Mais quid entre ma chute et mon réveil? Il s'est écoulé peu de temps, une dizaine de minutes maximum, et vraisemblablement moins. Je suis tombé, des copains sont arrivés, m'ont emporté, déshabillé, déposé et je me suis réveillé. Pas de quoi fouetter un chat, si ce n'est deux choses que je n'explique pas :

1.la zone était surveillée de haut par un mirador métallique, et j'ai vu toute la scène du haut du mirador. Je me suis vu tomber, en fléchissant sur les jambes, j'ai vu les copains arriver, je les ai entendu s'étonner, (mais d'où qui vient? Mais quoi qui n'a? A du s'faire tirer d'ssus, on a ren entendu, ah le pov mec) j'ai même entendu un copain s'inquiéter pour
mon chien (ah putain et sultan où qu'il est?).
Je les ai vus me porter (heureusement il n'y avait rien de cassé), pénétrer dans le gourbi où nous couchions à quatorze, une ancienne étable où notre odeur avait chassé celle des brebis, et ce en les suivant du regard, volant presque à coté et au-dessus d'eux, sentant même qu'on m'ouvrait la main pour y déposer quelque chose, me poser précautionneusement sur mon lit, me déshabiller avec des précautions d'infirmières stagiaires et pucelles, et je me souviens avoir vu l'un d'entre eux, dont je me souviens encore du nom, un jeune musulman nommé Guébalou, partir en courant prévenir le jeune toubib. Je voyais toujours tout cela "de-dessus", sans crainte, sans ennui, et j'ai presque envie de dire "bien". Je voyais aussi cette main droite fermée, serrée pour maintenir quelque chose alors que es deux mains à moi, le "survolant" étaient vides. Au-dessus de mon lit, je savais que j'étais sas vêtements, et sans es lunettes. Puis j'ai ouvert les yeux.

2.J'ai senti tout de suite que ma main était fermée sur un objet, et surtout qu'il ne fallait pas que j'ouvre la main. Le toubib est arrivé, on m'a emmené à l'infirmerie, nettoyé à l'alcool, réconforté, questionné, jusqu'à ce qu'on s'aperçoive que j'avais la main droite fermée avec une certaine énergie. Comme j'étais conscient, on m'a demandé d'ouvrir la main, j'ai refusé, mais enfin c'est idiot, qu'est-ce que tu as, tu t'es blessé? etc. Alors, comme j'étais trop têtu pour une intelligence normale et trop affaibli pour insister, on m'a immobilisé l'avant-bras au niveau du poignet et on a appuyé sur le dessus de la main pour faire ouvrir les doigts. Une pierre bleue est tombée, une sorte d'olive de 3 cms environ, lisse, percée d'un trou à don dimaètre le plus large (et non d'une pointe à l'autre), plus foncée qu'une turquoise mais tachée. Il a fallu retrouver le propriétaire de cette pierre bleue.

Elle n'appartenait pas au gamin, ni à sa famille. Le village nègre comptait environ 400 personnes. Elles ont toutes(?) été interrogées sous la traduction d'un militaire français d'origine algérienne, l'adjudant. Un arabe influent qui je crois a été membre du parlement français, m'avait demandé de taper à la machine les noms de 14000 algériens pour les élections. Il m'a dit que la pierre me porterait bonheur. Elle n'appartenait à personne. J'ai gardé la pierre plusieurs années, puis elle a disparu dans un déménagement.

Au service militaire, j'ai été regardé bizarrement pendant plusieurs mois, et on racontait aux nouveaux arrivés l'histoire de la pierre bleue.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (dynamic111.indra.com - on Tuesday, March 26, 2002 - 10:46 am:

It was the night after my grandmother's funeral. I was already feeling very distraught and depressed. I tried to find this guy I've been seeing, thinking that maybe some companionship would make me feel better. Being unsuccessful, I headed home to call my best friend. I told her how I was feeling, and we concluded that the best thing for me to do right then was to go to her house and get wasted. By the time I drove the twenty-something miles to her house, she had successfully accuired a six-pack of hard lemonades. We also decided to finish up the last of her pot stash. We took the drinks and the pot out to my car parked in front of her house. We had no intention of driving anywhere, but we didn't want to stink up her room and have her parents find us out.

I took the first sip of the drink and immediately felt that something wasn't right. My heart began to beat strangely, and a felt a little light-headed. I dismissed it as adrenaline or anxiety or something and we continued.! I only took a couple hits from the pipe, and was on my second drink when it began to happen. I felt like I never have before. I could barely move. I felt heavy. I was having trouble breathing, taking heavy breaths that made my friend think I was trying to fake an ••••••.

Then I heard a loud voice tell me to put down the drink, stop drinking. I was startled. The voice was very assertive and powerful. I listened and put the drink down. I then felt a window open up in the back of my head and air started rushing through it. I started to feel myself falling, though my friend later stated I was perfectly still. I could still hear the voice. She was telling me I was going to be alright, things were going to be okay, I was safe and didn't need to be scared. I felt very calm even though part of me was terrified of what was happening. I had no control anymore. I couldn't move. I was trying to focus on something to keep me here, but I continued to fall. I could feel my heart stop beating, my body became numb and cold. Everything became dark and suddenly I was falling through a tunnel. It looked very futuristic, like something out of Star Wars, with lights zooming by me at warp speed. I could see images at the end of the tunnel, but none of them were clear enough to distinguish. They seemed very far away, but no matter how much I kept falling, they never got close enough for me to see. The voice was still reassuring me that everything was going to be alright.

I suddenly felt jolted back into reality, literally like I had been thrown. My friend was shaking me, asking what had happened. I said I didn't know. The voice told me to tell my friend that if it started to happen again, to get help. She was scared, but I felt surprisingly calm. The voice told me to tell my friend to start writing what was happening down. I had a notebook in my backseat and told her to grab it.

I then began to have a vision of a street with cars driving down it. It was in a city, there were tall buildings all along the right side. All the vehicles were white, cars, trucks, vans. They were all moving very fast. I became aware that at every intersection there was a green light with a red left turn arrow. Then I saw an image of a dark car with a dark figure standing at the passenger window, as if talking to someone inside. The figure got in the car. For some reason, I felt afraid of this scene, the car and the figure. Then the voice told me to stay away from the dark cars and dark figures. The images stopped.

I decided to try to talk to this voice. I asked her who she was, if she was god. She told me she couldn't answer me, but that I would learn on my own. Then I looked to the sky and saw an image of a smiling woman with wavy golden hair. Underneath her were stalks of golden wheat. She was glowing, eminating beauty, peace and love. I had the feeling that she knew everything, from the past to what is yet to come.

I decided to ask her a stupid trivial question, that only a teenager could think to ask at a time like this, what was going to happen between me and the guy I'm seeing? She laughed softly and said that she couldn't tell me that either, but that I had a gift and if I learned to use it, then I would know. I became curious about this gift. I asked her what kind of a gift it was. She told me that I had a power, something that I was born with, and that it was time that I learn how to use it because I was sent to give a message. She told me I was special. I had a purpose, a reason to be here. I was beautiful and strong.

Life was beautiful, everything was beautiful. Everything had a reason and a purpose. Everything was happening for a reason, from the moment I was born. Everything down to the people I had met and places I had been. I have always believed myself to be a little psychic, but always been sceptical. Now I knew, it was all real. It was in me and greater than I had ever imagined, I just needed to learn how to use it.

The woman told me that it was starting now. She told me to tell my friend to begin to write down every word that came out of my mouth, and everything that she herself was seeing, feeling, and experienceing. The voice said my friend was going to write a book. That's why she was there. That's why we were together as friends on this earth. My friend was confused, but obeyed. I felt as if I was slipping into a trance-like state. I began speaking. I could hear my voice, but was not conciously aware of what I was saying. I slowly began to feel myself having control over my body. I could feel the presence of the woman dissapear. I began to cry hysterically, not from fear, but joy and confusion and helplessness. We had a purpose, I had a purpose. Somebody really did care about me, love me. These were incredible concepts for me, someone who was raised an atheist, but found her own way into certain aspects of paganism.

I have never believed in a god, but had the feeling that there was most likely some kind of greater force somewhere. Now I know there is something greater out there. I have never wanted to go to church, but suddenly it seems like something interesting. I feel changed, different, more accepting of myself and others. I don't yell at the people driving under the speed limit anymore. I am more tolerate of people, even my sister. I feel more comfortable with my body, something that is very welcomed after battling for five years with eating disorders. I am more calm and try not to hurry myself with things. I don't know if these changes will last, I hope they do. I don't know what it was exactly that happened to me that night. I don't know if any of it is real.

Later, after everything had calmed down, I read what I had said to my friend. It was beautiful. It was a message, almost like a scripture or something. It was about life, not just mine, but everybody's. I feel compelled to tell it to everyone I see. It feels important to me.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but for about three weeks or so before this happened, I noticed that my psychic awareness was increasing. I would have the feeling I was going to see somebody and turn around to find them there, or know complete conversations before anybody even finished a sentance. I also even knew that something was going to happen with this particular guy, and it did. I feel that this has been a very positive experience, one that I feel I have learned from, and still have more to learn.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:44 pm:

Since October of 2000, I had been experiencing non-life threatening sustained idiopathic ventricular arrythmias. In spite of the frequency and rapid heart beat (up to 300 bpm, sustained for an hour), it was considered non-life threatening because my heart muscle is considered exceptionally healthy. I underwent an electro physiology study in Dec. 2000 where a "trigger site" of the vtach was identified and ablated. However, on New Year's I experienced a v-tach and continued to do so, in spite of various medications, until Feb of this year, when I underwent a second ep study. At that time, I was pronounced "cured."

In March of this year, I began to experience v-tachs. The pattern was the same as before--sustained, frequent, high speed. Traditional meds (lopressor, toprol) and the ablations neither cured or helped to manage it. On a Friday evening in March after returning from work, I went into a combination of v-tach and ventricular fibrillation. My husband brought me to the hospital and ER attempted to stabilized me. An IV of verapilmil was administered and did not work, and finally an IV of lidocaine was administered and my heartbeat returned to normal. I was admitted to the cardiac intensive care unit. At approximately 1:30 that am, I went into cardiac arrest.

I recall experiencing a "blank screen," similar to dozing off or falling asleep. I suddenly found myself running very fast through the offices of the World Trade Center (where I work) in Manhattan. I did not see anyone else. I sensed that there was an emergency and it necessitated evacuating the building and that I was the last one out. I tried different doors that were locked until I came to the last one. I opened it and it went out to a window ledge. The door shut behind me through no effort on my part. I was suddenly on a window's ledge far above Manhattan and the Hudson River. I was frightened, terrified.

I experienced an overwhelmingly feeling of "aloneness." When I looked down again, the Manhattan skyline was gone and I was surrounded by this dark void that suddenly filled with stars. Simultaneously, a dragon with wings appeared. It seemed to rise from below me and we met eye to eye. The dragon appeared the moment that I thought the only way that I could get off of the ledge was to fly into the void and stars. I felt I had the power to fly and it was just a matter of stepping off of the ledge and off I would go into the stars. At the sight of the dragon I felt wonderful. I was no longer frightened. There was nothing menacing about the dragon. There was something playful, warm and intelligent in its gaze upon me.I don't know how to describe the look in its eye. It was very loving and gentle, almost child like. It moved very close to me, its body pressing up against me. Its wings were not scaly, as one would expect of a dragon. They were bright gold in color, and soft to the touch. I was very drawn to them and stroked them. The dragon turned towards me.

We came to some unspoken understanding that it would lay its body out in such a way that I could step off of the ledge and on to it. The dragon was my "footbridge".Its body enveloped me in such a way that I ran across the "footbridge" and was also protected by its body,preventing me from "falling" into the void.I ran towards a window (it was still the World Trade Center) from where I could see people's heads and what appeared to be an IV fluid bag. When I reached the window it was a door and I flung it open.

I "came to" in the cardiac care unit with several hospital personnel around me. I touched the sleeve of the nurse nearest me and asked her if I was okay now. She said yes, that I was doing just fine. I recall that when the last nurse left my room and readied to turn out the overhead light, I asked her not to. I felt uncomfortable in the dark. At that point I had no idea what had happened.

The next time that I "came to", was a little after 7am. My husband and his brother were sitting at my side and my cardiologist was stroking my hair. The cardiologist said, "You had a very rough night." He showed me the ECGs, documenting the cardiac arrest and the three attempts to revive me. Each time that they attempted to revive me my heart did not go into a normal sinus beat; but rather into v-tach and v-fib. Even when the cardiologist showed me the ECGs, I didn't make the "connection" between my near death experience and the tracings.

I spent a week in the hospital. I received an ICD and underwent a third ep study and ablation. I still did not fully comprehend what had happened to me in spite of the "physical" evidence of cardio pulmonary resuscitation (soreness and bruising on my chest) and the tell tale burn marks of external defibrillation application.

I was diagnosed with Arrythmogenic Right Ventricular Dysplasia, an electrical disease of the heart originating in the right ventricle area. About a month after this experience I was shocked twice within 24 hrs.I was hospitalized for a week.During that time anti-arrhythmic meds were administered to find one that worked best for me. I am now on 120 mgs of sotolol a day and have not experienced any shock therapies, and have returned to about as "normal" a life as one can.

[Webmaster's Note: This was submitted to IANDS a few weeks before the September 11, 2001 bombing of the World Trade Center. The experiencer survived the bombing physically uninjured.]

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:35 pm:

I "traveled" to 4 different time-lines. I was shown the world in flames, with destruction raging around me. Orange, flaming skies, and awful stenches permeated this experience. I was also seen in the hospital corridor, by 3 witnesses, at the time I was flat-line, approx. 4.5 minutes. During this event, I was visited twice by a being- a youthful looking, blond male, holding a swirling silver device above his head. He asked me if I knew where I was, and I said "yes".
He asked me what my choice was, and I said " I haven't loved enough, yet." I was immediately into my body, again, and awoke from my coma 17 days later, with an additional 48 days in I.C.U. It took me 1.5 years to recover, and I still am perplexed, and disturbed by this event...I now have three children, and all are exceptionally talented, in music, art, and attitudes. Maybe this was my destiny, as my health is failing rapidly now, and I have started to write my experience into a short book, to be finished later this year. I had been accidentally shot. The gunshot wound damaged my right lung, grazed my liver and came out my right arm. I had to be airvaced to the hospital. I reached the ER an hour after the accident. They rushed me to surgery. During
all this I was at peace but in a lot of pain. What I remember was being outside my body telling myself to get back down there. When I realized a strong presence. I heard a voice that asked me to choose to return to my body or to leave. My only thought was my kids and that they needed me. This presence let me know that either way they would be fine. If choose to return and then the next thing I remember is waking up with tube in every part of my body. I wanted so to tell someone what had happened but was unable to. When they finally took the breathing tubes out I told my husband what had happened. I have not told many people that we know because of their beliefs. The last three years have been very hard to understand I have felt like a part of me was missing.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:33 pm:

OK, here is my experience to the best of my ability to convey it...the circumstances that led up to it, and the thoughts and feelings in the weeks following it. I had a very serious car crash on May 25, 2000. I was driving on an unfamiliar rode and took a curve at a very high rate of speed. My car struck a "culvert" (I'm still not even sure what that is, but it was written on my crash report..after the culvert, I split a telephone pole in half, went 8 feet airborne, hit a steel billboard support post and I came to rest upside down against a tree. My husband was told, by the state trooper first on the scene, that when he saw the vehicle he was positive that they would be scraping me from the inside of the car. The car was beyond totaled and was number 5 on the 1-5 scale of severity. The damage was indescribable, and I have two pictures that remind me daily of how lucky I am that I survived. My husband said he almost threw up when he saw the car. I was told that I wasn't wearing my seat belt. When I started to regain consciousness, I was still trapped inside the vehicle. I could hear machinery and voices around me and all I could d see was trees and faces hanging over me. My seat had collapsed somehow and I ended up lying perfectly flat underneath the steering wheel, and that is most likely what saved my life. I have absolutely no memory of the crash itself. I remember driving before the crash occured and next I remember waking up to the jaws of life prying my car apart to get me out. I think that I must have seen impact coming and this is most likely when the NDE manifested itself. It's important that I say I was never pronounced clinically dead, but the threat of death was very real indeed and has to be what brought about the experience. I must have thought, without any doubt, that I was a goner....even though I don't remember consciously thinking this at any point. I guess when one sees themselves hurtling toward a telephone pole at an enormous rate of speed, one would think themselves definitely about to die....although I still can not remember consciously "seeing it coming". .. that is probably a blessing in disguise.Following the accident, while driving past telephone poles, I saw them all as crosses and sometimes still stare at them, mezmorised by how much they do resemble a cross at the very top. What I remember is feeling the most excruciating pain/pleasure feeling imaginable. It was intense all-consuming agony building and releasing into the most intense ecstasy...euphoria, absolutely indescribable but I "knew" that I had felt Christ...I felt the crucifiction and I knew without any doubt that I had experienced exactly what Jesus experienced on the cross...I felt completely one with Him, meaning I actually felt that I WAS Him. I became and felt everything that Jesus was. There was intense pain and suffering and then release. followed by pure ecstasy...I didnot see any light ever, at any time. I was in a "nothingness", a blackness or a void, and I was alone as in I didn't see anyone else, but I didn't feel alone because I felt unity with everyone and everything. I knew without even a hesitation that everyone and everything in the entire universe is connected into one; that we are each a part of everything...I knew that I was eternal l to discover that eternity is true and has never been a lie or myth) and I remember thinking, "Oh my God, I am dead!!!!!! and I remember thinking that it was the most beautiful thing that could have ever happened to me...the happiest day of my entire existence...there was nothing sad about it like I always thought there would be. The only emotions I felt were pure joy, ecstasy and bliss at receiving the knowledge of immortality. It wasn't a feeling or a thought...it was a knowing. And, I remember thinking how I couldnot wait to tell my husband that we really would be together for an absolute eternity! And I remember thanking God over and over again that eternity is real. When I came into consciousness, still trapped in the vehicle, the first thing I am told I said (i do not remember) to the state trooper was, "What does ecstasy feel like?" I remember grabbing a handful of pictures (of my kids) that were beside me in what was left of the console, and starting to push with my legs to get out of car. The paramedics told me to stay still, but I didn't. I was crying for my kids and my husband and I remember thinking, "yeh right; i'm not staying in here one second longer" And I pushed even harder. They put their hands under my arms then and pulled me out. The nurses tending to me in ER were commenting on how pretty my jewelry was; I was wearing bracelets that said, love and heaven and had cherubs and angels on them. I had just bought them the morning of the crash. In ER, I asked a doctor, "What is a stigmata?" He told me that it is someone who bears the wounds of Christ. I didn't know then that my injuries were similary (not exactly!) placed to the wounds of Christ; cuts across my hairline, cuts on the bottoms of both feet, both hands injured. What I did know, beyond any doubt, was that I had completely felt Christ.In the cat scan machine, it reminded me of the tomb. I kept rambling to my friends that I was going to probably have a baby (this baby was born on May 1st of this year). The first thing I did upon getting to my hospital room was to grab the bible. I started writing down every passage I came across about unconditional love and the second coming. I talked over and over about the second coming, and literally believed that it would be happening at any second. (when I was first in the hospital, I believed that I had been raptured and was in a sort-of waiting place...)In the first weeks after the experience, I felt completely in synch with nature and animals and children. The two days in the hospital, I felt a mind-connection with my nurses; when they brought my discharge papers and left the room, I became very upset about having to leave...I was literally terrified to go back into the "real world". Within five minutes of this overwhelming dread, the nurse came back in my room and told me that I could stay another night if I wanted to. I said nothing to anyone about not wanting to leave. One of my nurses said to me, "Do you remember being here yet?" I said, "I have never been here before" And she said, "You will remember more as time goes on." Well, I still have absolutely no idea what she meant. My husband and I had some of the worst fights of our lives in the weeks after this all happened, and that took something away from me...he would not allow me to stay where I wanted to be forever...wouldn't let me hang onto that indescribable feeling of unity and peace and ecstasy and love that I long for now...For the first weeks, I still felt as if I was "one" with Jesus...that I could do anything that He could do. A family member told me that he could "see the spirit in my eyes", that they were almost glowing.I felt what I perceived to be the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. I remember my step-daughter cut her finger, I kissed it and it stopped bleeding. She thought I literally made it stop bleeding with the kiss! I'm not going to try to say that my experience proves without a doubt that there is an afterlife, but it's all the proof I will ever need. Most importantly for me is that I also now have all the proof I will ever need that Jesus and the Holy Spirit exist inside of each one of us.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:23 pm:

I had been accidentally shot. The gun shot wound damaged my right lung,grazed my liver and came out my right arm. I had to be air evaced to the hospital. I reached the ER an hour after the accident. They rushed me to surgery. During all this I was at peace but in a lot of pain. What I remember was being outside my body telling myself to get back down there. When I realized a strong presence. I heard a voice that asked me to choose to return to my body or to leave. My only thought was my kids and that they needed me. This presence let me know that either way they would be fine. If choose to return and then the next thing I remember is waking up with tube in every part of my body. I wanted so to tell someone what had happened but was unable to. When they finally took the breathing tubes out I told my husband what had happened. I have not told many people that we know because of their beliefs. The last three years have been very hard to understand I have felt like a part of me was missing.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:21 pm:

In January,1980, I was admitted into Hospital for a D&C. I never completely healed from this simple surgery. There was always a lost of blood for several weeks/months afterwards. I was a single mom in love with a man (KEN) I will never forget, and the mother of 3 children. In early March, 1980 I went to my family doctor for the follow up-checkup, complaining that I was still passing blood. I had no fear at this time - I was very naive. Upon examining me, my doctor immediately told me to report to the hospital. He saw what appeared to be a sore that had been cut off perhaps during the surgery in January. Reluctantly I went to the hospital. After several days, my family doctor came to talk to me. I was ready to go home, but the news was not good at all. Instead of his cheery smiling face which glowed whenever he saw me, Dr. Glover entered my room with a lowered face and slowly removed his glasses. He would not even look at me.I was puzzled, but confide! not that he had all the answers for whatever ailed me.This had been my doctor since I was a little girl, (now 36 years of age). We always shared an open relationship; sometimes he was the only one I could turn to with my low self-esteem.I had never been in a hospital before except to have my 3 children. This doctor was my father image. Very slowly, Dr. told me that I had cancer in my uterus. My response was "well, when are they going to fix me up; I want to go home." The Dr.answered, that the cancer tests showed that the cancer was malignant. I told him, "so what are you going to do?" He again answered that I would need a hysterectomy; I have 3 children by my first husband, so that was sufficient; and "HOPEFULLY" with the hysterectomy and further treatments I would be able to live another 20 years. My heart stopped, I intended to have children Ken in a few years I love him so hard. As heart breaking as this news was, I was still unable to realize that cancer was a devastating life killer and death was at my doorstep. All I could think of was my present children and Ken. My doctor left me alone. Then my mother and a nurse entered the room and explained to me how serious this cancer is. When I finally realized what was happening, I "s c r e a m e d" to the top of my lungs!!! How could this happen to me? I had regular checkups, and did my yearly pap-smear only 4 months prior to this with no signs of cancer. I felt that I had done my part. The nurse, my mother and my doctor took off running away from me. I had to be given a sedative to settle me down. The man I love couldn't bear to see me. He was hurt beyond measure. My children were too young to realize what was happening. Within a very short period of time, I was wheeled to the operation room. After being told to count backwards starting with 100. I remember getting to 89 and telling the surgeon to wait until my doctor (Dr. Glover) got there. He arrived. Then I saw the instrument used to cut my lower stomach. I told the surgeon to wait because I was still awake. The next thing I remember was rising to the top of the room and seeing my body on the table. I was not afraid. I then remember rising into the clouds to a wonderful peace, love, and sweet light. I felt so much love, peace and a knowing that I was with God. I saw someone who I knew was Jesus. He was love in it's totality. I wanted to stay where I was, but I wondered who would take care of my 3 children since my mother was no spring chicken, and she had done her best to raise 4 of us alone. (my natural father died when I turned 18 years of age of alcoholism.) I remember ending up in the recovery room. I heard a nurse shaking me and trying to revive me. She said, "come on Honey,you can do better than this, I have seen dead people with better blood pressure readings than yours". I did not wake up totally until taken to a hospital room. For several nights after ward I had reoccurring dreams of Jesus. I could see His face. I could see the hole in His side.I saw and experienced true love.I went through months of radiation therapy. So sick sometimes that I had given up on life. One day my mother's minister was visiting someone in the hospital. I asked him to pray with/for me because I was slowly dieing. He left me with a book of the bible (St.John). Again I had the vision/dream of Jesus Christ. Within 24 hours I felt renewed and hopeful. The man I loved stayed with me until I completed the treatments, but left for fear of death and his own personal weaknesses. I waited for this loved one for 2 years. During this time, my self image diminished to an all time low. I felt ugly, lacking, empty, and that no one would ever love me again. Eventually, I met a man who seemed interested in me.We dated for 9 months and married. I left my family and Ken to move to Colorado. My heart/soul still longed for the previous love, but the hurt of his leaving me and what little pride I had left wouldn't allow me to keep looking back on that hurt, (even though Ken has been the only man to ask me to marry him)-including my first husband and the current husband. On July 26, 1984, I had a dream that shook my entire being off it's cradle. I dreamed that the man I love (Kenneth) was walking out of a baseball dugout, but the sun was falling from the sky. People were running around like crazy. Ken appeared to be like a brother to me though. I couldn't understand this at the time. I remember looking into his eyes and begging him to get down on his knees because it was not too late to pray. He did not answer me and seemed to be going on as if I was not there. I was very fearful at this point. It was so real. The sun was slowly falling from the sky. My present husband woke me from this dream/vision. I went back to sleep because of the sincerity of my love to Ken. This time in the dream I saw total darkness.The blackest darkness. Then all of a sudden there were numerous wolves or wild dogs with teeth like fangs and monstrous eyes surrounding me in this thick blackness. I was surely afraid of this. Then all of a sudden, that beautiful light that I saw years before showed up with the blink of an eye. Three days later my sister phoned me and told me that Kenneth had died while playing softball at the local park in Cleveland. Once again it took about 30 minutes for the realization to sink in of what I had just heard. When I accepted this, I "s c r e a m e d" out of loss. W H Y ??? I wanted to die. I could not attend the funeral-I could not bear the loss. I was invited to a holiness church by a coworker. After attending the church for 2 weeks, I still could not shake off the devastating hurt. One day while all alone at home, all windows shut, no television, no radio, and totally alone. I cried from the bottom of my heart and with all I had. All of a sudden I heard an audible voice speak to me. I wasn't afraid. But, I knew no one else was home but me. After 1 hour passed, I realized that I had received a revelation from the Almighty God. He told me that He would never leave me, He said that He loves me forever-even until the end of the world. He spoke several things to me as to what my purpose is in life, reassurance of being loved, and what I must stop doing. As He spoke to me, His voice seemed to echo down the chambers of time. But, the peace and the knowing that I am loved by God has given me the life I have today. I fear no death. I do miss the physical body of my loved one, but the essence of our love still lives ever so true and deep within me.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:12 pm:

One sunny afternoon, in Florida, me and my three friends tried something that we had heard about. We were all about 12-13 years old, and always in to trouble of some kind. We had heard about this way of getting someone to pass out. It was my turn to try it and I got on my knees, breathed in and exhaled as hard as I could 20 times. My friends counted the breaths aloud, on the 20th breath, my friend lifted me to a standing position and squeezed my chest of the remaining air. Well, I thought this isn't gonna work: and just as I said "This doesn't work"; I fell face down in the soft, black dirt. The next thing I knew I was slowly rising above my friends heads and looking down on them. I remember feeling a breeze blow my face and hair and seeing my friends standing around a body (my body) I was now floating about 10-15 feet up and could clearly see what they were doing, but I couldn't hear them. Peta-Sue picked up her purse from one side of me and set it down against the wall of her house nearby. Billy, stepped over me and grabbed my shoulder. I could see the tops of their heads. I looked around me and could see inside the rain gutter on the edge of Peta-Sue's house. I could see the leaves in the rain gutter! I had never been on that roof and never would have imagined something like that in such detail. I also remember the small cumquat tree nearby. It had tiny oranges(cumquats) on it and can't forget seeing the top of the tree. (about 7 feet tall) It seemed like 10 minutes ,but, they said I was there for 30 seconds. I awoke with dirt in my mouth crying hysterically. They never believed me. I guess something like this has to happen to you- for you to really believe it. I beieve it now! I wish I could find these lost friends to tell them, as an adult, that it really happened. Was I close to death? I was out of my body for sure.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 12:11 pm:

My experience related to the birth of my third child in 1991. The Pregnancy had been complicated; I had contractions for most of the pregnancy and basically on house arrest for the last 3 months. I had a threatened miscarriage at 11 weeks I had a pulmonary embolism at 12 weeks, had to inject myself with heparin for 10 weeks or until I felt I had to stop against dr.'s orders. I then had an old blood bleed at 24 weeks (thankfully I had stopped the heparin prior to this) and I had a sense of dread during the later stages of the pregnancy. I knew something was wrong with either the baby or myself.

I pressed my dr. into performing a caesarian section on the basis that I was scared and filled with impending dread. My Dr. was sympathetic but thought I was a bit neurotic. However he agreed to a surgical birth and arrangements were made. On the day of the procedure the anesthetist came to assess me, however I assessed him and asked him what he would do in the case of emergency and if my blood pressure fell or if I bleed. he humored me as well, the privelegdes of private health.

In the pre-op room with my poor scared husband we waited for the surgeon. As he sailed past putting on his scrubs he asked how I was and I screamed at him that I was terrified (I am talking as an experienced mother not a first timer). He didn't stop to discuss my fears but laughed it off. I had an epidural anesthetic which meant I was awake for the incision and there was a drap over my chest so that even though I could painlessly feel the operation I would not have to watch the bloodly bits. Everything went well the baby was born and he was beautiful and perfect at 1834 hours. One hurdle over.

Then they were removing the placenta and I had Dr with his knees up on the operating table trying to remove the placenta as it was stuck and he was having to apply a lot of force. Then I complained of nausea and that I was going to be sick. At that stage they sent my husband! out and I remember the look that was exchanged between my dr and the anethetist. As a nurse I recognized trouble in that look. This was when I passed out for the first time.

I awoke in recovery with my husband next to me pale and scared. A nurse was next to me rubbing my fundus (womb) external to my body trying to stop the bleeding. She was worried and keep checking my observations and talking to the anesthetist about Bp, amount of blood loss. My husband explained that the placenta had grown abnormally and had migrated external to my uterus and had attached itself to my bowel and bladder and vaginal wall so when they went to remove it from the uterine wall I was effectively bleeding from all of these organs.

I blacked out again and sorted drifted in and out a few times. Then Dr came in and said he was sorry but he was going to have to perform a hysterectomy to stop the bleeding. he said there was no other way and he was sorry. We both agreed, we already had 3 healthy children.

It was then that I felt the nausea again and I faded again. I was aware of the nurse calling out' bp 40 over' nothing, then 'I can't get a bp'. the anesthetist ordered more fluids and he cursed that he was going to be late home again tonight for drinks at 8pm. and then I realized that I wasn't in the bed I was up on the roof watching this happen.

I sort of was aware that it was I there but felt no emotional attachment. I was immediately aware of floating on clouds of absolute unconditional love. I describe it to my children as being wrap in cotton wool by god. It was pure sheer joy. Words devalue it. During that time I felt like I understood everything about the universe and the way it works. I understood, I knew, I was at one with this mighty energy, after a period of time I was drawn to the light through a tunnel. I was travelling through the tunnel, it was right, it was wonderful and I was approaching the light when little alarm bell went off in my head, my two children at home. I couldn't go on I had to go back, I didn't want to go but I had unfinished business.

The next thing I know I am awake in recovery and I say to the anethetist sorry you will be late home for drinks.I look at the clock and it is 8pm a half hour after I clocked out He just looks at me. My husband is there and I tell him its ok. I am then wheeled off for surgery that will save my life.

The next morning I awake in intensive care with tubes coming out of every part of my body. The Dr came in and says that my gaurdian angel worked overtime last night and that I am the 1st case he has had of Placenta acreta in 17 years. I was very lucky to have had a ceasarian birth as with a vaginal birth I would not have survived because by the time they worked out what the cause was I would have been dead. I was also lucky as there was a specialist urology dr in the next theatre who came and assisted with the complicated surgery. If I had had to wait for him to arrive I would not have survived.

The birth was on a thursday. My dr had the weekend off. The relieving dr just came and stared at me and said I should not be here. I am walking with assistence and feeding my own baby and floating on this drug like fix of absolute calm and peace and wondering if I dreamt it or if it was real. I could only tell my husband that I had touched god and that he didn't remind me that I was a sinner or that I had wronged x,y,z. That I had been totally loved. Totally drunk with love.

I asked my dr the next week if I could read my notes. He was at first hesitant but because I was a nurse he consented. The times corresponded with my memory and the secquence of events. I had 8 blood transfusions which represents total circulatory collapse. I had lost all the blood in my body!!!!! And the next day I am back in the ward after 2 major operations feeding my baby and feeling like someone has been supplying me with happy juice.

I was born intuitive and often knew things by osmosis. I have feelings that people close to me respect and fear. My poor husband understood that my fear was not neurotic but real based on a lifetime of experience. This experience didn't only affect me. It affected my husband, we became so much closer. It affected my doctor, he took a week off acording to his mother /receptionist and went to mass every morning for a week. However the most profound changes are in me.

I have this totally insatiable desire for knowledge, any knowledge. I studied a psychology degree to try and scientifically validate my experience and they don't even come close to understanding the experience. I was always religious now I am spiritual.

I was psychic before as a child I stopped watches and have a circle of hair on my crown that would lose hair. I have a lot of static electricity in my body and have known things as a chuild. I often was scared of my own shadow. The one big difference after the experience is the lack of fear. no fear of death and no fear to try anything I deem worthwhile, not silly things but like start studying, break norms and study taboo subjects. The old rules don't apply anymore. The sense that I am here for a reason and I am doing chakra work and dream analysis and meditation and these things are becoming more clear to me.

I have developed severe migraines in the last year and a CAT scan showed that I had a hole (space) in my third ventricle and I joke that that is where I was touched by an angel, apart from these I enjoy good health. And know that something special is coming soon at the age of 44

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 11:37 am:

In 1980, I was put on a beta-blocker for tachycardia. I had never had Asthma in my life, but this drug caused an allergic reaction, and status asthmaticus. I tried for a few days to breathe, but finally had to go to the Emergency Room. My family physician continued the beta-blockers, and overdosed me on theophylline. The doctor for whom I was working, Dr.came to the hospital room to see me.He immediately called in a paleontologist, Dr.whom I had worked for in the past. I was terribly sick, vomiting, felt like my head was splitting open, and could not get enough oxygen.I was frightened, I knew I was dying. In the next moment, I was floating at the ceiling of the room, looking down on the three doctors surrounding my bed.I saw myself vomiting, crying and Dr. Israel holding my hand.I saw my family doctor's hair turn white as I watched.I saw an older lady in the bed next to mine.I felt a warmth, and a great sense of peace.In the distance, I saw a brilliant white light, and a very loving presence coming toward me. I looked back at the bed - I was getting worse. My face and hands were blue. The doctors called a Code Blue (respiratory arrest). I watched the respiratory team rush in, preparing to do a tracheotomy and intubate me. I felt no pain, only sadness for the body I had had, lying on the bed, so terribly sick.The presence called to me: "Are you ready?" I WANTED to go. I felt I knew all the answers that I had wanted to know during "life." I felt a tremendous peace and loving presences all around me.I didn't want to go back into that sick, dying body. I remembered, thought, that I had three children to rise. I was a single mother.I cried tears that I needed to go back into that body, but I remember stating adamantly, "No, I have children I need to care for." At that moment, I saw a white form lift from the elder lady's body that occupied the bed next to mine. She smiled the sweetest smile. She was going on through, quietly and happily. No one in the room had noticed she had died. She told me "Honey, your time will come. Don't worry. You are loved." In an instant, I was back in the bed, vomiting and trying to get enough oxygen. Just before the tracheotomy was performed, I took a dramatic turn for the better. I remember lying in the hospital bed, tears in my eyes for the love I had felt, and remembering the comfort and peace, some dread for the future, a lot of confusion and a tremendous sense of purpose. I have only told this story once, to a spiritual healer I see now. She has encouraged me to tell others, and I happened on your site tonight. Since the NDE I have had many intuitions, ESP experiences with close loved ones, particularly my children, and visits from ancestors and presences from another plane.I never told anyone, as I felt they would believe I was crazy! What a nice evening, to find your site and read about others who have shared my experiences. I no longer believe in heaven or hell. I was terrified as a child of hell, as taught in church. Now I know better. I know that a part of us lives on forever.I believe I have lots of work to finish up here, before I am invited back to that light, loving place. Knowing it's there makes life very different for me. I have given up working for the money and prestige, but work toward helping others, staying close to nature, and loving all life. My place in life is clearer to me. To love and nourish all living things, to meditate and stay in touch with that other plane of existence,and to welcome visits when I am allowed!I have a heightened sense of intuition, some psychic abilities (though I have had some since childhood), and a desire to make a difference in my part of the world, helping anyone I can, however I can. My family has a hard time adjusting to my "new" self, but they are beginning to see me in a different light, finally, after 21 years.

View: Top messagePrevious messageNext messageView: Bottom message  By Anonymous (prime.kapa.net - on Tuesday, February 26, 2002 - 11:31 am:

I've had several experiences with this "other place" since the initial one as a child. I'm almost forty now, in the last few years I've thought about those events everyday. I constantly feel like someone who has partial amnesia, that part of me that I know exists, keeps nagging at me, but as hard as I try I can't remember everything. It's time for me to come to a better understanding of what happened to me, why it happened, and what do I do with it.

I was twelve years old when I attempted suicide. Life at home was anything but happy. It was Nov. 17th 1975. My father had shown me his high blood pressure medication just two days before. He kept the bottle on the top shelf of the medicine cabinet and had said to me he needed to get it refilled the next day, but by far that it was the most dangerous in the house if one of us were to take it accidentally, it could kill us. Sure enough the bottle was full. I remember it took me such a long time to swallow all of them. I was never afraid though, only sad that I believed at that time there was no other alternative. I went to my room and climbed in bed thinking I would just go to sleep and never wake up, my family would finally be happy.

It didn't end up being that simple. I woke to feeling that my chest and throat were being crushed. I couldn't breathe or yell out for help. In a desperate attempt to get relief from what was happening to me I ran to my mother's bedside. She was a nurse and I thought she would be able to stop it. I couldn't tell her what I had done or tell her what I needed, but I remember vividly fighting for her to breathe air in to my mouth. It took her a moment to realize that I was in real trouble. I fought as long as I could and by now everyone in the house was awake and I could hear them screaming. My mother and aunt on top of me holding me down, my head started feeling dizzy and the pain started to ease. My body felt as though it was getting lighter, lifting off the floor, I remember thinking this must be how it feels when you are dying.

It seems like only a moment or two passed before I opened my eyes. It was pitch black, my first thought was of the absence of pain and how relieved I was that it was gone. I couldn't figure out where I was. I wondered if it were so dark in this place because no light existed or if I was unable to see? So I brought my hand up in front of my face, I could see it there, completely intact but absent flesh. I quickly scanned my whole being and realized I was different but very much whole and I knew everything I had always known. Looking around me I realized I was not standing on anything, there was no ground beneath my feet, no sides or corners to walk towards in this place, it was just space that went on forever.

I than noticed a tiny white light far away, like a star. I had just begun to think about how I could get to it and I started moving towards it. The closer I got, the faster I was moving, the larger and brighter it became. I remember thinking that the light was so bright it may hurt my eyes, so I closed them real tight and braced myself for what I thought would be an impact when I ran into it. Instead there was none. It was like floating through a thin vale, and bathed in white light. Before I could even open my eyes, I felt this place. I've searched my whole life for words to describe the amount of love and serenity there, and none exist. I had never known what real love felt like, and I sincerely do not believe that we are even capable in this state of being. I opened my eyes a little at first, just to make sure it was ok. They did not hurt as I thought they would. So wide-eyed I began to look around me for someone, something, wondering what this place was? Wherever I was, it was the most wonderful place I had ever known, or could have ever imagined, and I never wanted to leave!

Then I heard a man gently, softly, "You can not stay here with me". I remember feeling desperate to locate him, but I couldn't. I soon realized that the white light was coming from him, and he knew me. As though I had left him and he was there to greet me and explain what was going to happen and why. I immediately responded in my mind with "I do not want to leave here"! He chuckled at the determination in my response, like a parent of a child that has innocently requested something; he knows they are not ready for. I knew him right at that very moment. He loved me, no matter what I had ever done, no matter what I would ever do; that this love he felt for me would never change or diminish. It would stay forever constant, and not just for me, but for everyone, and every living thing, from all time. He would never harm me; he was incapable of doing all the horrible things I was told in Sunday school.

Please don't misunderstand; he was not ambivalent about my wrongdoing. He was simply like a parent who loves his child unconditionally. He knew the reasoning behind my acts, right or wrong and he still love me. He is also quite capable of being disappointed and firm when need be. As I would experience much later in my life. He followed with a promise to me, "It is not time for you to be here with me, but someday you will come back and can stay than." I remember beginning to feel very afraid that he was going to send me away, and I never wanted to go back to my family if it meant leaving him, this place.

I remember I began to plead with him to let me stay, like any child does in a desperate attempt to convince its parent to give in to it's wishes. His final words to me came firm but loving; "It's time"!

I was turned and sent from this place on the breath of the last word he spoke. The way was lit and beneath me black lines that were separate at first; like those on a road, but as I began to move faster over them they soon blended together. I remember seeing holes in the ground that we fill at death with our loved ones, and I thought of my family, but all the graves were empty. Than I just knew that life goes on. None of us really die. I felt so much comfort, knowing that all my loved ones would not just cease to exist; they too would go to where I had been. I know that it was at this time that I saw so much more and it was explained to me, but I can't remember the moment it was taught. I can feel it; it's there in that part of me, but I can't in this state wrap my mind around it. I just know it to be more real and truthful than any thing else in my entire life, and it gives me so much peace now.

When I came back, the first thing I felt was the ease it took to drag this deep breath of air into my chest. I opened my eyes to a bright light above my head and a cold surface pressing against my back. There were people everywhere around me but they seemed surprised, they all started to work franticly on tubes and machines, yelling at one another to do this or get that. A man leaned over me asking me to tell him my name, if I knew where I was. He was blocking my view of the light above my head. I was wondering if that were the light I saw. After noticing the metal rim around the light, I finally said my first name and told him " the hospital", He smiled and told me what a good girl I was, and everything was going to be all right. He'd look away and tell some one to go tell the family I was awake, and he would be out to talk to them soon. He just kept telling me it was all right now and I could rest.

I wanted so much to go back to sleep and wake up where I had just came from. When I did wake again I was in another room, this time I was covered in warm blankets, my mother at my side. She stood and looked at me and I could see the anger in her face. She asked me what in the hell was I thinking? I told her what I saw when I was a sleep. She gritted her teeth at me and said that I almost didn't wake up, at one point they told her they couldn't do anymore for me. Did I understand what I had done? She followed it with "when I get you home you have an ••• wiping coming".

That was the defining moment for my life for many years to come. There were no hugs; no I love you, just anger, and disappointment.

I spent the next four and a half years filled with doctors, countless hospitals and mental institutions for repeated suicide attempts. None producing the result I wanted. I felt hurt, angry, rejected. I had no fear of death; I looked at a day as an opportunity to possibly succeed in what I had failed in doing the day before. I got involved with drugs and alcohol, and if they didn't kill me inevitably, I would have enough courage to play games that may cause it. People gave up on me, and accepted that some day I would succeed.

Days turned into years and the only thing I succeeding in doing was hurting or destroying relationships with those that truly loved and cared. Although not directly responsible, my actions created reactions, and my best friend ended up dead. I walked away from many opportunities that could have meant a better life for my children and myself even now. There were times over the years I would dream, and this same Angel, descends down towards me from the light and smiles at me as though to let me know I was still loved and it was going to be o.k.

I finally stopped trying to go back when I came to the conclusion after so many failures, that God was simply not going to let me die. And believe me, by all rights I shouldn't be here.

Then an experience occurred in my early thirties, which came out of nowhere. I was in the third year of extensive counseling for the abuse I had suffered as a child. The sessions had been emotionally brutal for me and I was feeling like I could not go on having to relive that pain over and over Indefinitely. I was setting there one day, thinking that no matter how much I wanted to be the parent my two small sons deserved. I was simply too screwed up and they would be better off if I'd die and they could be spared having to deal with their mother for the rest of their lives. I was setting there across from the counselor listening to her tell me about how I had come so far and survived so much. I was a great mother to my sons. I had spared them the pain I knew.

I felt my head getting heavy and fall backwards. This roaring sound as I was lifted out of my chair and pulled very quickly towards this place in the dark where I had been as a child. Finally coming to a stop and trying to get bearings as to where I was and what had just happened.

I quickly realized I was not alone, millions of others were there, and all moving together like one single force. I could not see them, but I knew they were there. The movement was steady and consistent. Like a line of people just walking around in circles. I was separate from them though.

Then I saw the light I had seen as a child, behind and slightly higher from them. I knew he was there, watching and waiting. Like before, I curious and would begin a thought, and suddenly know the answer. They could not enter; their existence was one between these two separate plains. They knew all there was to know of each. How they wanted so much to change what they had done, and couldn't. Fully aware of all truths and purpose of life. Of the pain their choices had created while here, against themselves and others. Caused them so much suffering.

My heart ached for them, but why was I here? I suddenly saw my sons before me and instantly I felt this indescribable pain. My mind became acutely aware of the pain and suffering born out of my choice of self- destruction. For my sons, those who knew me and those I never meet. I knew then this would be my existence, this place of knowing my real worth, how my actions were like stones tossed into a pond. They rippled out crossing over the entire surface of the earth, forever affecting and changing the face of it. I will see and feel everything I had ever done could have been. In this place I will know the truth of all things, and be unable to change or be a part of any of it.

I don't know if the biblical hell exists, but I can tell you the suffering here was worse then any description I was ever given. To me this was hell enough. Created out of our own selfish choices. God had no need to create a place to torture us for the waste and destruction we had committed. We had enough to torture ourselves with. The pace of those there began to move more quickly. Like they knew I was there. I felt like I had stayed too long and now was becoming apart of this Place. I wanted to leave, and half expected just the thought would free me from it.

In panic I looked back towards the light and I knew I was being given a choice. I could stay, but I would have to exist knowing what I had created. If I choose to return, I was not to ever attempt my own destruction, that in doing so, I am committing the ultimate crime against self, against the purpose of this life, against the wisdom of God. God was teaching me a lesson about my carelessness, about the impact I have on all of life, that he was the creator, but I above all else had the power of choice to govern my life my final destiny. As soon as I believed through my entire self, my own worth, my responsibility to life, to all those I exist here with, and finally that I would never attempt such a selfish act as my own death. I was released from this place.

I returned to find my counselor in a panic, she had already run to get help and had just returned. She told me later she thought I had set there and died. Both times I explained in detail what I had experienced to the first people I saw after returning. As a little girl the whole event was to never be spoke of.

The counselor told me of others who have given accounts of some of the same things I have described, but could not explain why it happened to me, under the circumstances.

I can tell you this last experience changed the course of my life. How I see myself, how I perceive life, mine and that which exist around me. I find myself honoring the totality of my life to this date, good and bad. It took every moment for me to know what I know and be able to do well with it. That life is a gift. I am here in as much as I have been given the opportunity to experience, and grow. And with that, to always make my best effort to give the best of myself to all those I can in the span of my lifetime. To understand and except I can not escape fallibility, nor can anyone else because in it I learn the difference between good and evil, right and wrong, and finally love and hatred. That when I know the difference, my choice will define life. I don't know what those souls in the dark place had done to be there, or what will happen to them if anything, inevitably. In my own judgment, I know that I have and will commit enough pain in this lifetime that I too should be convicted to this place. But I also know, that God knows me, as well as all of my life choices and the consequences they created, and still he has promised me I would return to him someday, in the light!

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The Christ concept brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe


This is about an experience I had in 2017. It changed my life for the better in a lot of ways. I was brought up in the Mormon religion, and I was married when I was 19 years old. This experience showed me who I am at my core and gave me the courage I needed to walk away from everything I knew. I am now a successful accounting consultant and single mother to four gorgeous children.

The experience taught me about our innate nature, the law of attraction, and how much we participate in creating our own world/life.

I structured this in a way to avoid placing my own beliefs in the way of the events themselves. My perspective is flawed. I am human, and my beliefs shift as I learn and grow.


Surviving Rebirth = New Life:

I cannot explain how this happened. I can tell you I have had multiple doctors verify that I am sane, that the event is not related to mental illness, and as far as modern-day medicine is concerned -- they cannot explain it either. I saw many doctors, trying to understand what happened. The only official diagnosis I ever received was PTSD, caused by the experience itself, diagnosed about 18 months after the occurrence.

Words and ideas that come close to explaining what happened to me: spiritually transformative experience, rebirth, awakening, enlightenment, but to be fair I don’t know enough about any of these to make a claim, so I won’t/don’t.

How did I achieve this? I’m not sure if it is something I did, or something that happened to me, or a combination. If I could point out a route that got me there it would be a combination of love, persistence, intuition, meditation, and law of attraction.

How has it affected me? I am not who I was before. I am new. I am. ME.

What Happened:

My stomach was hurting me significantly the day I died but didn’t die. It wasn’t anything dramatic, but it was painful. I had a food allergy and somehow consumed the food that triggered painful ulcers. The ulcers got so bad one year that I had an endoscopy and they discovered six ulcers, one close to bleeding, which can get dangerous. Over the past few years I had experimented with my diet and discovered which foods hurt -- but on this particular day, I must have had something without realizing it -- it happens #foodallergies.

I went to bed that night after getting my children to bed and after my regular meditation, in some pain, but it was tolerable. I fell asleep easily, nothing felt different, I had no concept of what was about to hit me and change my life, change me to my core.

Saturday 4:00 AM:

I wake up. I hear the most incredible song, symphony. It was heartbreakingly stunning. Heart-breaking. No explanation of why I was hearing this, and I can tell you I didn’t hear it with my physical ears. My husband was sleeping soundly next to me.

This song lasted about four minutes. As it played I was flooded with images, memories, moments of my life, and as it was playing it was obvious to me that it was MY LIFE being played for me in the form of a symphony. It was the hard moments, the happy moments, the stale moments – all in the form of a symphony. ‘My song’ -- as I have come to call it -- was paired with the song of my surroundings, my city, state, country, planet and universe. The pieces were distinct; I could identify what was “me” and what was my environment, but it was also one universal song, in harmony. It was humbling. It was beyond words.

The song played quickly, in a few minutes was my whole life. When it finished I was able to think back to specific moments in my life. Moments where I felt the most guilt over decisions I had made. Specifically, a moment when I had cheated on my ex-husband when we had been married only a few years. As I focused on this memory, I didn’t see what happened, but rather I heard how the pattern and sound of my song changed, it was a deep base moment in my life. The whole year leading up to and after I cheated was a soulful, deep base year. This moment in time was forever altered in my mind after this experience. I was able to view this event without judgement. It was a different note, a different tone, but it wasn’t ‘evil’ or ‘bad’. I wasn’t evil or bad for doing it.

I grew up in a strict, Christian church. At the time this experience happened to me I had been researching and studying the history of my church as well as other religions and philosophies. I had developed a love for meditation and had been doing it regularly for over six years when this event occurred. During this moment in the experience I had, I was awake; I was aware and I also felt meditative. If you meditate, you know the moment when you reach the space that feels timeless? The moment when you are released from the physical, and yet still present? But the moment your mind consciously grabs on to this moment, it also ends. During my experience that night, I was both consciously aware and somehow in the timeless flow state.

This dance of my memories and my symphony continued for hours. I wrote a portion of it down while it was occurring. I wrote the concept down in the way I understood it at the time. I wrote the concept of non-judgement, of the dance and flow of our life and our universe. I wrote about the symphony of Christ/God/Source, the Christ family, the Christ concept and how it brings all our songs into a perfect balance with our universe. My concept of a Christ changed, became more real, and expanded beyond what I was taught growing up. Suddenly, I was a sort of Christ as well -- with a song, a note, and a symphony that brought others into harmony just by being my authentic self. This sounds like a drastic claim, but when any of us find our authentic self, we are Him because we come from Him.

Saturday 7:00 AM:

This symphony slowly fades. I am wracked with humility, with a concept that I am a co-creator, with the concept that I am not being judged, with a concept that I am not just divine but I am divinity, and at the same time I KNOW that that my co-Creator has done and will do more for me than I can ever grasp. That there is nothing I could do in my lifetime to fully repay that which created me, except to fully embrace who I am at my core, because that is how I fully embrace my creation/creator.

I’m flying high. I’m in a state of total peace. Total. Peace. My children start waking up. I hold them with this new understanding of the universe, of who they are, of who I am -- and I live my Saturday like every Saturday before, except I am changed. Breakfast, chores, playing, simplicity with my beautiful family, and even the stale moments are beautiful.

Saturday 3:00 PM:

Concepts of the night before keep flooding through me throughout my day. It wasn’t overwhelming; it was like a steady stream. I was drinking as I was ready from a fountain of knowledge. I was able to function and do mundane, daily tasks and at the same time almost download universal concepts on tap.

Late afternoon a concept was presented to me that because of the change I had overnight, my body was changed. The food allergies I had wrestled with for over 6 years now where gone. The ulcers that were hurting me the day before where gone. I noticed my stomach was not in pain, when it was in pain almost consistently for most of my adult life. The pain was gone. I hadn’t noticed earlier because sometimes the pain was mild and I didn’t pay attention to it. But today, it wasn’t mild, it was gone. It wasn’t just gone, but I KNEW I wasn’t allergic to these foods anymore.

When it hit me, I said to my husband: “I want a crepe from Village Inn. I can eat it now without getting sick!” He looked at me like I had lost my mind. He reminded me how sick I get when I eat there. He knew I had an experience that night, although at the time neither of us understood the true impact it would have on our lives. He gently discouraged going to get a crepe because of my history. “Trust me,“ I said. “I won’t get sick from it anymore.”

As I got ready to go to the restaurant I hadn’t been to in years, I was flooded with a concept. “You are going to die.” “You are dying.” Somehow I knew if I kept pulling on this string that I couldn’t comprehend, I was pulling my death closer. I also couldn’t not pull. I felt so much peace, even with the concept of death looming over me. I had to test out my new self, my new body. I had to.

As we drove to the restaurant, I was given the impression that I had a ‘physician’ with me to watch over this event. To trust this physician like I trusted the doctors that helped me to deliver my four babies. What was coming at me was not going to be a strictly painless experience, but that what was coming would be worth the labor pains. I was sure I was going to die on the way to the restaurant. I was peaceful. I didn’t die.

At the restaurant:

I ordered my crepe. My favorite meal. If I were on death-row, I would order this meal and I hadn’t had it in years because of the pain it caused. Usually the pain would hit within 5-15 minutes; occasionally I would instantly develop blisters in my mouth before it even hit my stomach.

First bite -- my whole family is staring at me. My children know I get sick, my husband is waiting for me to bend over in pain. No pain. I waited a few minutes before taking my next bite. No pain. I started laughing. My body changed overnight. I cannot explain this, but it did. After years of restrictive eating, after almost a lifetime of ulcers. No pain. I finished my meal, my husband still watching me for signs of pain that never came, and still to this day are gone. Although I still get ulcers with too much anti-inflammatories, I was no longer allergic to food.

Leaving the restaurant:

I’m putting my children in the car, in the carseats -- I have two babes in carseats at the time -- so this takes time. I’m buckling the last one in, completely serene, when something happened to my heart. It was a physical reaction, and although I don’t understand why this moment was important, I know it had something to do with the actions I took. Pulling on that string without fear. Driving to the restaurant, knowing I was driving towards my own death, and not fully understanding what that meant.

What is felt like: I was standing outside the car. My heart felt like it expanded, stopped, expanded, and started. It wasn’t painful, but it was dramatic. I stopped moving, I stood completely still as my body responded. I can’t explain why this was significant -- but the same universal knowledge that was flooding through me told me I was changed. My body was reacting, was shifting.

The rest of the night -- nothing out of the ordinary. I knew instinctively I would never be the same, but my world as I knew it was just like it was the day before. It was a Saturday night. I got kids to bed, spent time with my husband, and went to bed planning on church the next day like we did every Sunday for most of our marriage, and like I did most of my life.

Sunday Morning 6:00 AM:

I woke up earlier than normal. I have never been a morning person. But I woke up with a desire to write and to meditate before the rest of my family woke up. As I wrote I was in a meditative state, I wrote about moments as a child when I felt ‘timelessness’ and concepts of the universe came to me. I called it “Her”.

Sunday Morning 9:00 AM:

Church. At church I am naturally meditative. I always have been. I’m introspective, attentive and hungry to understand who I am, what I am, and why. What do I need to do to be more, what do I do to be what I am supposed to be? I’ve always been hungry to understand life on a very deep level.

There are a few things that happened that morning, some things I have never spoken out loud because of what they mean to me.

After the main meeting, I took my third oldest child to nursery; my husband wasn’t feeling well so he went home with our youngest, and I stayed with the older three. My third oldest son had a hard time in nursery so I generally stayed with him, letting him get used to it. I went in, spoke with the nursery leaders, exchanged small chat and sat with my beautiful son. The universal knowledge picked that moment to open up my mind again. I was watching my son, listening to the conversations around me, although I wasn’t participating at the moment.

I heard the nursery leader sitting next to me saying she had been sorting through personal items in her home that week. At that moment she was also sorting through toys in the nursery, and at the same time I heard another level of conversation. I heard what her higher self was saying, describing. She wasn’t just sorting through physical items, in her home and at the church. She was sorting through truths. She was sorting through truth at such a level that her physical body was creating the experience in the form of a type of spring cleaning in her home as well as in other environments.

She was speaking to her husband about this, and I heard his response both with my physical ears, and with the universal ears; he was supportive of her search, journey. Both on a physical level and as his higher self. They both seemed at peace -- they were in harmony with themselves on all levels. Mentally, spiritually and physically. It was an interesting dance to watch. It was also very intimate and the ability to hear the conversation in this way was only momentary. It was just a glimpse.

Still in this meditative, introspective state, I understood that I was to watch my son very closely. I was able to hear and understand his guides on a level I couldn’t normally as an adult. I applied too much logic to my every move to listen at the level a child can. I felt that I should watch him and follow him. At the same time I got this impression, my son went to the door, wanting to leave. I opened it.

I followed him down the hall, until he stopped at a drinking fountain. As I helped him get a drink, two men came walking down the hallway. They were discussing something that had happened with a sport star at the time. I don’t follow sports so I wasn’t very clear on what had happened in the news. But they were arguing on the impact his actions had on their children and on the people that follow him. One man (who was a church leader in my ward at the time) argued that as a sports person who was watched and followed by so many people, this person had a responsibility to behave a certain way. That as a famous person, he should be a better example. As I listened, I could hear truth in it, and agreed to a certain point. Then the other man (someone I hadn’t met before) argued that it was a waste of energy to be upset by someone or something outside our scope of control. He said it is our responsibility to own our decisions, and teach our children the same. We can’t base our actions on something someone else is doing, we shouldn’t be reactive based on something outside of ourselves, and if we have a good understanding of who we are, it doesn’t matter what someone famous does or some leader does. THIS. THIS felt like a higher truth to me. It wasn’t that the first man was wrong, but it was a concept based on a lesser truth. The second man was arguing a higher perspective.

At the moment I connected with the concept of the second man, the universal knowledge that had been feeding me all weekend gently prodded me to give my support, energetically, to this second man. I never spoke a word, and this was all happening while I helped my son get a drink. I looked at the second man, I fed him the same kind of energy I would if I were actively in a conversation with him. As I did this, I watched as the second man got more and more passionate about his stance. As he got more passionate so did the first man, and in the middle of the hallway at church they raised their voices to a very passionate level. They both recognized they had made it there and shut the conversation down as they walked away from where I as standing. I am certain neither of them knew I was present, nor the impact the entire exchange had on me.

I continued to watch my son. He walked from the drinking fountain and sat on a chair outside the door to our Bishop’s office. Keep in mind that I was raised in this church. I studied scripture but did not memorize it well. However, I did have a belief in them, and in Christ -- even though my beliefs have altered a bit since, I cannot deny the concept of a Christ – I believe He is more than one being, and more than what we understand, and he is also me. But the concept remains.

As I sat with my son outside the Bishop’s office, I ‘knew’ he (the Bishop) wanted to talk to me. I was given a certain time to wait. I was told to wait until 10:26. The time was significant because a week later I met with the Bishop and he was late to our meeting, but I knew he’d arrive at 10:26, and he did. My husband witnessed this -- both my prediction and that it was true.

After I waited a few minutes, until the time said 10:26, the universal knowledge told me to knock. Typically, you don’t knock on the Bishops door when its closed. I knocked with no response. As I knocked, I felt the whole being of Christ move through me, and I was flooded with multiple scriptural passages where Christ knocks at a door. I could recite them with perfect memory in that moment, and some were scriptures I had no memory of reading. This moment was significant. This same universal knowledge -- which I tend to refer to as my higher self -- essentially gave me permission that day to leave the church I had always known.

I gathered up my kids, halfway through their classes at this point, and since my husband had taken the car, we walked home. I felt nothing but total serenity walking away from something that I had always known. A church that was essential in my upbringing and to this day still influences me in a big way. I have never felt bitter or angry that I was in it as long as I was because it was part of creating what I am now.

As I walked up the hill in our beautiful neighborhood towards my beautiful home, I was experiencing a stream of downloads again about who I am, and what was happening to me. I am Eve. I am Christ. I am Earth. I am Sky.

I was breaking something and fixing something all at the same time. It felt personal, it felt global. It felt significant and like a whisper all at the same time. I was a bridge or a door between worlds and concepts. The wind was teaching me. I could feel energies around me that are beyond comprehension. I was more than I could imagine, but not just me, all of us. Something big was coming.

Throughout the day, my mind was expanded. I could see an inner-meaning in all things around me. I could read scripture and see a meaning beyond anything I could have grasped prior to this experience. Nothing was frightening in them. I saw all of it with almost a bird’s eye view.

It was a regular Sunday other than the wild expansion I was experiencing. I made lunch, played games with my children, made dinner, had conversations with friends and family about insights I was gaining that weekend, still not expanding completely on the level at which I was experiencing it. I played the piano at one point and was able to play a portion of my song of the moment which I was experiencing in that moment. I was simultaneously learning and completely surrendering to all that is.

Sunday After Dinner:

We were playing games as a family. My son had been complaining of mouth pain on and off throughout the day. At bedtime he came to me and said the pain had gotten drastically worse. At first I thought perhaps he was stalling bedtime, so I just walked to the medicine cupboard to get him medicine. But as I turned and looked in my son’s eyes I could SEE, almost mathematically, that his infection in his mouth had reached a point that it needed immediate attention.

My son has misleadingly chubby, adorable cheeks. It was difficult for my husband to see the swelling underneath that I could see. I could see it with my physical eyes, but there was something else, a pattern, a potentiality, that I could see in him. I knew he needed to go to the hospital. I was as sure of it as if I had seen a fire, and I needed to put it out. But I wasn’t in a panic either. It was a completely solvable situation. We had the medicine he needed, but not in my home. He was the fire, and the bucket of water was in the hospital. My husband was not convinced.

I placed a phone call to my sister who is a Nurse Practitioner. I asked her if there was a point where a tooth infection could get dangerous. He didn’t have a fever, but I still knew it needed to be addressed. She said it could be dangerous if it started swelling into his eye. From where I was standing, that’s exactly what was happening.

As we discussed what to do, a snowstorm started up. When it started snowing my husband became even more against me taking my son to the hospital. He did not see an issue with my son, and truly felt I saw something that wasn’t there. I remember saying, “I can’t change what you see, I can only act on what I see.“

I felt so calm, and I was so sure of what I needed to do that the discussion was short, and we didn’t quite make it to an argument. This whole conversation was life-changing for me and I refer to the confidence I felt in that moment very often. Any time I’m in a situation where I don’t see eye to eye with someone, I’ve found I don’t have a need to change their mind, I can own my truth and my actions.

My son and I left for the hospital in the snowstorm. At the time, we lived in a home up in a mountain area in Southern Salt Lake Valley. Anytime a storm hit the area it was exaggerated in the mountains where we lived. If the valley got a few inches, we would get a few feet. When it stormed up there, it really stormed. This was one of my favorite things about living there. As I drove down the mountain, the storm picked up. Trees were in the road, wind was insane, and the snowfall was so heavy it was hypnotizing. I wasn’t afraid, but driving in snow was never frightening for me.

But in that moment, in my calm, serene moment in the center of a storm, driving my son to the hospital for an infection, I was flooded with an impression. “You and your son will not survive this trip.” I stayed calm. I remembered my impression the day before where I was told to trust the process I was going through. In that moment, in the storm, facing my death in the most real way I ever had before, and quite possibly the death of my child too, I said, “I surrender, but, if at all possible, don’t let my son feel pain.” I was calm. Trees were falling in front of my car. Calm. I was looking at death straight in the eyes.

Calm. The words of a scripture came flooding into me, through me and out of me. “As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil.” This is all I consciously remember of this particular scripture, but at the time I knew it like I was reading it, like I created it. I was not saying it out of fear, it was a statement. I was not afraid. In the shadow of death. I was not afraid.

I’m now about 6 minutes from home, going down the steepest part of the hill. Knowing I had to keep going, I had reached a point of no return, although I can’t explain how I knew that. I’m feeling so much peace as I drive and I felt something happening to my body again physically. This time it wasn’t my heart. From just below my chest to the top of my pelvic area, it felt like someone had placed a heat pack on me. The temperature was comparable to getting in a hot tub. It felt so good to me. Although I cannot explain this phenomenon, it is something that has happened to me more than once since the first time I experienced it like I’m describing now. It seems to coincide with life events that give deep healing. The heat started when I as only about 7-8 min from my home, still about 30 minutes from the Children’s Hospital. The snow was mesmerizing, and I kept my breath steady as I calmly waited for my moment on earth to end.

Then, Oneness. I’m on I-215 at this point. The time from the onset of the heat and this next moment was about 15 minutes. I am no longer alone in my car with my son driving in a storm, possibly to my own death. I am now somehow everything, but still me. With the religious background I had growing up the only words I had to describe it at the time was that my Father in Heaven was in the car with me. That His spirit was so beyond words that somehow everything that was Him was also Me. I was one with all there is, and I was aware of all things at once. There aren’t words for this. Even as I try to describe it, my mind fights me. Our minds cannot comprehend this, so our words can’t capture it.

I did not ask questions in this state, I didn’t need to. Everything was as it should be, and I had complete peace. I was in this state of being from the State Street exit until about 4 minutes after I took my exit. In total I remained in that state of being for about 15 minutes.

I started to come out of this state as I realized I had made it down the mountain, and off both freeways without incident. This was the first moment it occurred to me that I would make it to the hospital alive. I pulled over at this point to navigate the rest of the way to the hospital. As I pulled in, I honestly was a little confused. We lived.

Sunday Night, At the Hospital:

I walked into the hospital. A portion of myself processing what had just happened, while the rest of me went into full Mom-business mode and the ER. “What brings you to the ER?” The strangest thing about this moment in my experience was that no one would look me in the eyes when we were interacting. As I looked around the room and made connections, no one would look at me. Including those helping me directly. It was a strange sensation.

There was only one person that did make eye contact with me. He was a volunteer there at the hospital, and as I scanned the room in deep thought, he locked eyes with me, smiling. If I didn’t know better, I would say somehow he knew what I had just gone through, and maybe on some level he did. I can’t be sure. When I looked back at him, I felt an intense wave of gratitude pouring out of him. I returned the energy.

We proceeded to check in. My son, sitting calmly next to me, completely unaware of the completely transformative experience I had just had/was having. I smiled and winked at him as we walked into his room in the hospital.

Sunday Night, the Doctor:

My son and I waited patiently in his hospital room, and his cheek had swollen to twice the size from the time we left our home to the time we made it to our room in the hospital. It was now plain to see for anyone looking at him. It was swelling into his eye area and the rate at which it doubled in size was not surprising to me, but it was alarming.

There was a child in a room across from us screaming, and my son suggested we say a prayer for him. I said it, as my son was in discomfort, and as I finished up our doctor walked in.

The doctor was able to quickly diagnose my son as his symptoms were apparent at this time. He turned to me and I heard him say, “He is going to need an IV antibiotic.” I looked at my son, who was familiar with what an IV was because I had them everyday for three months the year prior, due to difficulties in my pregnancy. My son’s eyes got big, knowing what was coming, but he didn’t squirm. I nodded my head, as I half expected that answer.

The doctor gave me a run-down of what to expect over the next few days and at what point to bring him back in, one of these signs being that his wound swells to twice its size in a small amount of time, I informed him that exact thing had happened that night. The doctor left.

I talked to my son to prepare him for the IV. He asked me questions, I replied honestly, and I even gave him a pinch so he would understand what was coming. My son was apprehensive but calm as we waited for the nurse to bring the IV bag in.

When the nurse did return however, she brought us a bag of pills and a check-out form. My son and I looked at each other in confusion. We had both heard the doctor say that my son needed an IV. The nurse told us the doctor had ordered pills, not an IV, and she could see that I was uncomfortable with that solution. The nurse could see the confusion in my face and said, “If you’re concerned, speak up.” I simply said, “I’m concerned.” She smiled, and went back for the doctor.

The doctor entered the room almost immediately after and addressed our concerns. “Doctor, I thought you said he needed an IV.” “No, I didn’t mention an IV. However, he is borderline, and I can give him an IV if you feel like he needs one.” “I feel like he needs one.” They ordered an IV.

Since this took place, I have thought often about the full exchange. Why did my son and I hear something completely different from what the doctor had said? Anytime I try to answer that question I also think back to the moment in church earlier that day when I had heard the physical conversation as well as the spiritual conversation of the people around me. The only answer I have for this is that I must have heard what his higher self was saying. He was on the fence about the IV according to our second conversation, and it made me wonder if his Higher Self knew my son needed it, while his physical self wasn’t sure it was at that level. Of course, this is just not an answer I’ll know in this lifetime.

The IV was brought in. I held my son’s free hand and coached him to look at me instead of the needle. I tried to distract him by asking him what colors he saw in my eyes and encouraged him to keep finding different colors until the nurse had finished getting the IV in. He barely flinched through the whole process, his cute little cheek the size of a golf ball at this point.

We just sat and cuddled while the IV finished, the nurse and doctor gave us check-out papers, and we proceeded to leave the room. As we crossed the threshold of the hospital room I distinctly heard, “It is done.” And at that moment my son stopped in his tracks because his infection had burst inside his mouth giving him some much-needed relief. We left the hospital.

>First Hell<

As we started our drive home, I started to feel like the whole event I had experienced over the weekend was starting to fade. I had wondered if the full thing took place just so I could get my son to the doctor, even though I am not convinced it was life-threatening. I was just in awe of the whole thing and was starting to process.

On the drive home I was very tired. It was close to three in the morning at this point. So to help me stay awake, I turned the radio on. My son had fallen asleep almost immediately. As I turned the radio on there was a song on that I had heard a million times. I can’t even remember what it is anymore, but it was a typical pop/R&B song. One about a man wanting a woman. As I listened, I felt a strange sensation in my body. I felt insanely sensual, as if the words where touching me. Then as my body responded to the sensations I was flooded with a concept. A concept of a male energy that was in love with me, needed me, craved me beyond words. I was leaning into these sensations. The sexual energy, the concept of being loved on that level, it was different than the love I had felt all weekend though. I started to notice the difference as I was leaning in. This energy didn’t just love me, it wanted to possess me. I don’t mean possess my body like a horror film, but it wanted to possess everything I am. To own me.

“You will always be safe, but you will be mine.” I heard this as I felt the energy wrap up my body and around my neck. I got a download of a concept of what it meant to be possessed by this energy. I would be protected, I would be wanted, loved in the way I was feeling at that moment, craved, desired, but I had to be obedient to it and fit a mold. The love I had been feeling all weekend was the opposite of this. This protection and love would cost me and was conditional on me always doing as I was told, like a good girl. But not ‘morally’ good. ‘Good’ according to his whims and ideas of what suits him.

I started to feel claustrophobic. My chest tightened. I held my breath. The energy was overwhelming, almost felt like a god. The concept both sensual and frightening, the level at which this energy wanted to possess me was more intense than I can put in words. I quieted my body, I quieted my mind, I turned off the music and simply said, “No.”

A rush of intense anger came at me. It was anger filled with heartbreak, it was wailing, gnashing, screaming, and then it was gone.

This all took place in under a few minutes, but it took me two years and EMDR therapy to get to a place where I could even speak of it. I didn’t vocalize it for a very long time because of its nature and intensity. I don’t let it control my emotions anymore.

>Hell Two<

At this point I was barely on the freeway a few miles. My car was silent. My son was soundly asleep and I was reflecting on the Oneness I felt on my drive to the hospital. “If we are one, we are also alone.” I thought.

As if my words were everything, I was transported to a space in that moment that I have only one word to describe: the void. It was similar to the experience I had when I felt Oneness, but instead of being a part of all living things, I was the ONLY living thing.

The best way I can describe it is -- it was as if I was alone, in space, in the universe. I was an eternal being, I was aware, conscious, alive and incapable of death, and I was alone. Not just alone, but nothing existed outside of my awareness. It was like a black hole. I stayed in this void from the Ft. Union Exit on I-215 to about 106th South on I-15. The distance is about 8 minutes. As I experienced the void, it felt like pure torture. I remember thinking it would be easier to have been kidnapped and physically tortured than to have endured complete nothingness where only I existed.

This is another portion of what I experienced that took me years to speak of, as well as therapy to recover from. This eight minutes gave me PTSD for a long time.

While in the void I wasn’t panicked. I was in a form of shock momentarily, and I wasn’t sure how to get out. I thought of space movies I’d seen before, I thought of what kept them safe, their equipment, the tethers to the rockets to keep them attached to something. I thought of a tether or a cord extending from myself to the only energy I had felt complete safety with, and that was the Christ energy. The energy that had started the experience with my life review two days before. I tethered myself to my concept of Christ, and I was not alone any more.

>Hell Three<

By the time I arrived home I was exhausted beyond words. Any parent who has taken their child to the ER in a snowstorm and gotten home late knows the kind of tired I’m speaking of. And on top of that I had been though heaven and hell – quite literally -- over the past two days. Sleep was all I wanted.

I dropped into bed close to 3 am (?). I was up at 5. But this time wasn’t like the other two mornings when I had total clarity. I was scattered. I was awake, it felt urgent to be awake, but I had no clarity. I got up, went downstairs to meditate, and found it harder than normal. This was a frequent practice for me at the time, but I found it really difficult.

Instead, I curled up in a ball on the living room floor and that’s where my husband found me. He encouraged me back to bed as I only had about an hour left to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I crawled back in bed and slept the remaining hour, I was barely aware of my husband leaving, and my oldest son was taking his siblings downstairs so as to not disturb me.

As I woke up this time, I woke up planning my own death. The hells I had experienced the night before, coupled with feeling like a prisoner in my body, and missing the sensations of heaven I had felt, my entire system was overwhelmed, and my only solution was to die.

I thought about shooting myself. But was concerned about my children hearing it or finding me, as well as my husband having to clean it up. I thought of taking pills but worried about the doctor who had prescribed them to me and didn’t want to cause any issues with him. I was trapped.

I paced my room, and finally reached out to a family member, my oldest sister. I started to tell her pieces of what happened to me over the weekend. It was life changing, I knew that, but now I felt desperate to get home -- to my real Home. She listened patiently and mentioned a news article she had seen earlier that week about a woman who had post-partum psychosis and killed herself.

Hospital. For the first time it occurred to me that I might be safe from myself if I went to the hospital.

I had a sweet college student living with me at the time who was supposed to have started work that day, but her boss’s mother had died, and asked her to wait another few days to start. She was home. I asked her to watch my kids, without telling them what was happening. I started for my car, but I knew if I drove myself, I would use it as a tool to crash. I texted my neighbor and close friend: “Can you take me to the hospital?” She was also supposed to be at work that day, but she had a feeling she should stay home.

I showed up moments later on her porch, no bra, no makeup, no socks, with my fake-Uggs on. As she opened the door, the weight I had been feeling lifted so dramatically that I almost completely fell over. There was love emanating from her. So much that it lifted the painful thoughts enough for me to breathe. She held me for a moment on her doorstep, still unaware of why I needed to go in.

“If I drive myself to the hospital, I’m going to drive off the cliff. I can’t explain what is happening, but I went through something over this weekend and I can’t get my mind back.” She gathered her things, and I could feel the supportive, loving energy from her pouring in. I started to tell her pieces of what happened. In the moment I had thought maybe the whole thing happened so I could help my son, I was rambling off the possibilities, barely taking a breath, when I received a text message from my younger sister -- who was completely unaware of what I was going through that morning.

“I don’t know what is going on, but Mom is here, and she wants you to take a breath.” I saw the message and took a breath and let myself be wrapped up in the comfort of a Mother. The timing of this message alone is miraculous. The other detail that makes this message incredible is the fact that my Mom died in 2006. To put it simply, my sister is gifted, and my Mother’s energy is strong.

My friend proceeded to tell me that she was going to do some spiritual work on me called Reiki. As she connected with me, she could see that I was filled with a gold light, one she hadn’t experienced before. Then, calm.

At the Hospital:

It’s hard for me to articulate the state of my mind as I went to the hospital. I let go of control, knowing that if I was allowed to make a decision, I would choose death.

My friend took me to meet my husband, who was in almost shock from seeing me in distress at the level I was at. I had never had suicidal tendencies, and although I am an emotional being, I was always grounded and logical. I told my husband, “I can’t make decisions today, I need to get to the hospital or I am going to take my own life.” He took me in.

With my mind in the state it was in everything I looked at meant something, had a deeper meaning, but it wasn’t clear like it had been the days previously. It was frightening and chaotic. I did my best to clear my mind and stay calm. My sister-in-law, who worked on a psych-ward as a nurse showed up to the hospital with us, and I stayed huddled in her arms while my husband checked me in. I was scared. Beyond words scared. I was aware enough to know I may never be the same again; I did not know if I’d ever retrieve my mind. I wondered if I was going through psychosis, had a brain tumor, or some other illness in the brain that would cause all the things that had happened to me over the weekend. I NEEDED an explanation so I would also see an end to the terror I was experiencing that day.

The Room:

We were shown to a room where I could be monitored. I laid there in fetal position on the cold, hard surface of a bed they had in this room created for people wanting to take their own life. Stale, cold room. I was quiet, I was meditative. Anytime I came out of a meditative state the terror would start again; my only control was to silence my mind, and do my best not to go down he rabbit holes trying to process my environment.

I can still see the desperate look in my husband’s eyes as he watched me try to stay quiet. Both of us helpless to what was happening. Dad arrived. With tears in his eyes he wrapped me up in his big arms and I felt that rush of love like I did with my friend. When this energy came in, I was in bliss, not afraid, trusting of what was happening. Dad and Jason proceeded to give me a traditional blessing for the sick that is performed in my childhood church. In this blessing my Dad said, “The balance will be returned to you, and your mind will heal.” These words where crucial to my healing. Balance.

I had felt like the moon had exploded and, I was earth shifting from hot to cold, unpredictable, off its axis aching for the balance the moon provides. I let go of fear, trusting the words my Dad gave me.


By the time I made it to the psych ward I was calm, peaceful. There was still a shit-storm in happening in my mind, but I had made a decision to watch it go by instead of fear what it was. To experience it instead of control it. It very much felt like my drive to the hospital when I was calm driving in the middle of an intense snowstorm. It hadn’t stopped, but my judgement and concern of it did.

By the time I was in the psych ward it was late. Everyone was asleep. I sat and filled out papers and discussed what to expect with the person doing intakes in the hospital. I had to leave my husband and ride in an ambulance to a different hospital, so I was on my own at this point.

As I watched the man onboarding me into the unit, I could sense his kindness to an extreme. Strangely he averted looking at me directly in the eyes, much like the people in the hospital with my son. When he did look at me directly his hands would shake, and he lost concentration as he delivered the rules and expectations on the unit. At one point he even stopped and apologized that his hand was shaking so much.

Next, I was taken to my room where my roommate was asleep. I was stripped down to nothing. I was asked to squat and cough to prove I wasn’t hiding anything inside my body. The nurses handled me with almost a reverence that I imagine they give to each of their patients, and I was grateful for that. Then I was left alone again, in fetal position, cold, in a strange room without my mind fully intact.

The next few portions of my story are harder to place time stamps on because my level of clarity was not the same as it was when it all started. I am not sure if that is because of the level of emotional endurance I was at, or if it is just the nature of the cycle I was in while at the hospital. I’ll describe events I experienced while I was there; forgive the lack of a timetable on these ones.

I was only given medication once at the hospital, an anti-anxiety that put me to sleep the second night I was there. Other than that, I didn’t take anything. <>Heavenly Mother/Divine Feminine:

I had a really bad headache and I was laying in my bed, and my mind started down one of the holes. I was enduring a waking nightmare, calling for my Mom and I could not find her. As I laid there sobbing, trying to be quiet for my roommate, I had a memory surface of my son that happened a few months earlier.

My son had had a night-terror. The kind where they look awake, their eyes are open, but they are not awake. He was crying, and screaming for me. He was in so much distress, and it was happening while I was holding him. I had him safe in my arms, I was crying over his distress softly saying, “Mommy’s, Mommy’s here. You are safe.”

As this memory emerged, I was able to release the waking nightmare and a flood of divine feminine energy washed over me. It was so intense that my headache disappeared on contact, and it was like I was completely wrapped up in divine, motherly love. I didn’t return to that particular nightmare again.


This hell was particularly rough for me but has been one of the most transformational as well. It took me two years to get past the trauma of this one, and I had to undergo EMDR therapy for it as well.

I have mentioned before that I grew up religious. This wasn’t the kind of religion where you attend church once a year. My whole life was centered on it. I made my choice of when and how to marry based on it. I made career (or didn’t make) career choices based on my upbringing in this church. It was my center. The concept of judgment hadn’t been frightening to me growing up though. I had made mistakes, but I had a good heart in my opinion. The way my church portrayed it didn’t seem as harsh as other religions. That being said, this was my experience:

I was presented to a council. I was naked. Not just physically naked. All things naked. To the soul, naked. If you recall my initial experience with my life review, the incredible symphony that healed my body. This would be its opposite. I saw things I had done, intentionally and not, that had shattered the lives of others. I saw my ripple effect from the perspective of fear. I screamed a silent scream. Over and over. There was no escaping the damage I had caused. It wasn’t exaggerated, it was fair, and concise. And I couldn’t hide from any piece of it. I was completely exposed. I’m naked, this is me and there’s no power I have that will change what I am, what I was and the effect I had on others.

My only response: “Yes, I am these things, yes, I did these things, yes, I am naked and imperfect and have shattered lives with my decisions. But I know Him. I know Christ. I know Him, I’ve experienced His energy, and I believe the word.”

It stopped. I didn’t get a ruling, but it stopped.

>Concept of Cycles of Life<

This experience came after the divine feminine and after Judgment. I was standing, looking out the window of my room. A concept of our earth life being a reflection of spiritual truths came to me -- this wasn’t a new idea for me. I had studied this concept a few times. But It came in a form I hadn’t thought of. I saw how on earth we live each day, go to bed, wake up, live again. Each day is new, but its also just slightly different from the previous day depending on our life choices. We grow, or we don’t grow. We thrive some days and some days are a shit-show. Our thoughts and patterns from years ago set in motion our present moment.

This concept was broadened from days to lifetimes. Prior to this moment I had only considered reincarnation or multiple life probations fleetingly. I hadn’t ever spent a lot of thought on it because to me -- it didn’t matter. It wasn’t pertinent to me trying to be my best self. As the concept came to me I was overwhelmed. “No, I can’t.” “I can’t do this over and over and over again, please, no!”

“Shhh….” Peace. I thought of sleep, of how we can recharge every night, we wake up refreshed and ready for the next day. I thought of how much could be accomplished with that kind of ‘progression of life’ in the realm of ‘time’, and as I thought of this concept this way the overwhelm dissipated.

>Being Named/Trusting It<

Shortly after the concept of life cycles came, I heard, but not with my physical ears, “You are Christ.” It was said with authority. It was said with empathy. It was said simply.

I broke. I could not grasp this. In the context of progressing through multiple lives, instead of one, I only had the idea that my next life I would be in a Christ story as a Christ. Please understand that at no point did I believe or was it impressed on me that I am THE CHRIST. It was a name, a title.

“I’m not that strong,” I said sobbing. “I’m not that strong!” “I am not that strong!!!!” “I need Christ, I am not Christ!!” I cried and cried and cried. When I stopped my tantrum, the same authoritative voice said one thing. “You’ve trusted me in this before.” And I let go.

>Choice to Continue<

On the second or third night of my stay I had a vision. I was brought to a room with three other people. I can’t recall who they were to me, but I knew we had worked closely in some way on my life plan. They proceeded to give me a choice. “Do you want to come home or keep going?” I understood their meaning. I could choose death, I could choose rest.

I only asked one question, and it was to one person. He felt like a father figure, but I don’t know the nature of our relationship. I trusted him more than anyone I can think of, and I trusted that he knew two things:

  1. What I still had ahead of me to endure – because he had done it before me.
  2. What I was capable of enduring -- because he knew me at a level I didn’t know me.

With the understanding of those two simple concepts. I asked him, “Am I strong enough?” With a nod of his head, no words, just a nod, I turned, and I left the meeting determined to live. I could tell the others in the meeting wanted to give me more details. I asked them not to. It was like when I told my son not to watch the needle enter his arm when they gave him an IV. If I don’t brace too hard, the impact of what’s coming is less. I don’t worry, stress or panic. I trust that I resurface.

Visit on the Psych-Ward:

One night while I was there Jason came to visit and brought a friend with him to give me another blessing for the sick. They got to the unit a little late and we were rushing with our visit. When they first arrived, I was in the middle of re-living the trauma of Judgement. The judgement itself wasn’t reoccurring but I was remembering it and unsure of what it meant. I was curled up in a ball on my bed, frightened and pale.

As they walked in, and I saw their reaction to me, their sympathy, their kindness, I was able to soften and come out of the hell I was re-living, that I understood later was part of the PTSD.

There was a lot that had happened, and my husband’s friend wanted to hear how I had landed myself in the psych-ward. We had worked together, and knew each other a long time, and this was not typical for me. As I relayed my story, and filled my husband in on the things that had occurred since the last time I saw him, at least the things I felt I could speak of – I felt myself coming back into balance. I was grounded, calm, secure.

As we spoke, our visiting hours ended and we knew at some point a nurse was going to ask them to leave. We were in my room in the hospital with the door shut, but there was a window for the nurses to check on us. As I told me story my back was to the window. Both Jason and “Harry” told me later that as I told my story, they watched as multiple nurses peeked in my room to check on me, looked straight at the guys and kept walking. They both kept holding their breath, hoping for more time to hear the end of the story and to be able to be a comfort to me for longer. As I spoke the last sentence, the door opened. It was now an hour past visiting hours and the surprised nurse asked the men to leave, trying to figure out how they had managed to stay that long after visiting hours.

My husband wrote to my family the next day with his feelings about what he thought I had been through and why. It was very profound.

Returning Home:

Once I was able to return home I was grounded enough to function as a Mother. The effects were starting to wear off; however, there are a few experiences I had after I got home that I would like to write about.

Seeing My Spiritual/Higher/Real/Next Self:

Mostly the visions and concepts had stopped at this point, but there was one night that it hit suddenly as I was getting ready for bed.

I was taking a shower before bed and it was like I was seeing a memory. This is the only time I saw something outside myself, although the conversation I heard was not audible, just like the rest of my experiences; it was more like a downloaded playback, and someone had started the memory mid-conversation. I could ‘feel’ how I felt emotionally and cognitively in the memory. I was like a child. Excited, playful, no fears in the world. But I was also somehow more intelligent than I am in my current form/life. The being with me was a Father figure, likely the same one that had been constant throughout this journey. I could feel His love for me emanating from Him.

This is how the short conversation went: “What do you want to look like?” He said. As I thought about my answer, I watched the water droplets in my shower take form. This was the one and only time I saw a vision with my physical eyes, and part of me wonders if it was just so vivid in my mind that I could see myself in the steam and water in front of me, like a mirror. The form I saw is imprinted in my memory. It was/is me that I saw. I didn’t look exactly like I do now, but my eyes didn’t change. I saw my eyes, looking back at me, in a slightly different form. As I look back, it felt like one of the more powerful co-creation moments of my lifetime. Like my desires mixed with my Father figure’s creation knowledge combined to show me, me.

While this occurred, I also gave a reply to his original question. “I don’t care what I look like, as long as he is attracted to me.” He laughed, then asked, “What do you want him to look like?” “Superman!!!!” I yelled, and we both started laughing.

Then I got serious, I only had one question for this master creator I was speaking to, only one question about what we were creating together. I braced myself, took a breath and asked, “Will there be dancing?” He laughed even harder this time than he did before like the way a parent laughs when a toddler says something beyond adorable, “Yes, there will be dancing.” The playback ended there.


One morning I woke up feeling off balance. I felt like my mind was slipping too far to the right side or complete chaos, then to the left side that felt completely cold and calculated. Both sides at their extremes are ‘hellish’.

I was impressed to grab some crystals I had purchased a month before in an airport. I did not have a belief system for or against crystals prior to this experience, and I’m still not sure if they actually helped me obtain balance, or if they provided a visual I needed to obtain balance myself. I’ll do my best to describe how they helped. Both crystals were from the same rock. They had broken on my flight home. They were originally about 20 inches long, and 2.5 inches in diameter at their biggest point. It looked like a wand made from the earth. When they broke I ended up with one piece about 6 inches long and a another about 14 inches long.

I took them and placed them in front of me, unsure how they were meant to help. Then as my mind did a barrel roll into the right side, I would pick up the crystals. I placed the short one in my right hand, the long one in my left, and somehow I would feel myself being pulled back to center. I would sit in the center for a moment, then the exact opposite would happen and I’d barrel roll into my left brain, so I would switch hands. Take the short crystal in my left hand, long in my right.

My sister was there and would watch me while I alternated hands. When I was in balance I was able to have a conversation with her. As my mind started to shift to the right or to the left, my conversational capabilities would stop. I wasn’t able to conceptualize what I was thinking into words. She observed but saw that the technique was working, even if I can’t describe how it worked or how I knew it would work. It reminds me of the concept of phantom limb syndrome, when you can put a mirror up to a person to create the illusion of the missing limb being there. The visual of the rocks “pulling” me back to center had some type of effect to keep me grounded. This lasted about 15 minutes, then I was balanced and the swings stopped.

Dream of the Return of Balance:

One morning I woke up and heard the words, “By the time you are 36, the balance will be restored.” In the moment, I was so emotionally and mentally exhausted and afraid, I did not think I’d survive four years.

But the balance came back to me in chunks as I sorted through everything that happened. I will be 36 this year. I feel restored, grounded and balanced. I suppose the trend will continue as I age, and likely ebb and flow, like the seasons. But the moon has returned and I’m back on my axis, experiencing life as intended -- where the shore meets the water, the break, balanced between worlds.


This may be a strange statement, but I can honestly say the parts of my experience that caused the most change and the most growth were the hellish ones. Or rather, the fight I fought to overcome them caused the most change. I compare it frequently to weightlifting. It was spiritual weightlifting. Not a punishment, it was a tool. These tools gave me perspective into what my boundaries are, what is important to me, what I’m willing to fight for, and the length I’m willing to go for love.

Who am I? I am a single mother to four beautiful children. Professionally I am an accounting consultant. I divorced my husband of 15 years last year due to a drastic change in who I am fundamentally after this experience, and we just stopped being compatible. Other than my experience, anyone on the outside looking in would see an average suburban family.

I am the only God and my name means love

When I was 11 years old, we were swimming at Fall Creek Falls in Tennessee when I fell asleep on a large boulder from which we were jumping off into the water. A person came up from behind me and pushed me in, not realizing I was asleep. I struggled and one person tried to save me but I pulled them under and they got away from me so … to the bottom I went.

When I stopped fighting, this unbelievable feeling of relief and peace came over me. I slowly left my body and it was harder for my spirit to move through the water than after I broke the surface, but then I was hovering over my body which was clearly on the bottom.

The next thing I remember, I was in a dark tunnel with a bright light at the end which I and my guide were approaching. There were many other unformed grey spirits like me and every one had a darker, slightly more formed, guide.

Suddenly I became aware of a hard-to-describe entity of pure light and inhuman love. I asked it, "Are you the Christian god I have been taught about?" The answer was, "I am the only God, and my name means love." I asked, "What should I do with my life?" Two giant black blocks of stone appeared with one word on each, HUSBAND   FATHER. I thought, "This seems like a big deal; should I tell people?" The answer was " no."

Suddenly it seemed like I appeared at the end of the tunnel nearest the light, and I was asked, "Will you stay or will you go back?" I replied, "I don't want to go back, but it would kill my mother so I will go back." The next thing I remember, my mother is pounding on my back and I am spitting up water. People there said I was under 3 or 4 minutes.

The most misunderstood two things about my NDE are: (1) Even though the words were literally written in stone:  FATHER  HUSBAND, it was made clear in my mind that this was only a possibility if I chose certain forks in my future, not predetermination, and (2) When the answer to "Should I tell people about this?" was "no," I had the vision of child preachers in front of a congregation in my head, not that I and/or others should not discuss NDEs.

Man who drowned as teen and was pulled out seeks answers later in life

When I was around fourteen years old, I went fishing with my older brother and his friend. We took a small boat out on to a river. The river waters were extremely high and fast-moving as it had been raining for two weeks straight. As soon as we launched the boat from the shoreline it immediately capsized. As I went over into the water, I was able to grab onto a seat cushion that fell into the water. It happened so fast as the water was pulling me down underneath rapidly. The seat cushion which was supposed to also serve as a flotation device was useless as I was clutching on to it. 

I was looking up as I was being pulled down and I could see the top of the water and a very small what appeared to be a hole of light from above getting smaller and smaller as I was being pulled down so fast I couldn't seem to move at all, just being pulled under. Two thoughts came to mind, as I was being pulled down - the seat cushion was not helping to save me, it was getting sucked down regardless, and I remember saying to myself in my mind - "I can't believe I am going to die like this, I'm only 14." At that point, everything went dark.

The next thing I can remember is looking up and seeing the overcast sky, I was soaking wet, lying on my back. My vision was not very clear, foggy like, confused, where was I, what was happening. As I was coming to my senses, I could hear my brother calling my name off in the distance. I called out to him. All I remember next was saying to him - (his first name) "You saved my life, thank you for saving my life and pulling me out of the water." He replied - "I didn't pull you out of the water, we've been running up and down the shoreline looking for you." We've had people looking for you for some time.

When he pulled me up from the ground, I turned to look at where I was. I had been lying in the branches of a large birch tree that was lying partially in the water’s edge downstream from where the boat capsized. We got in the car, didn't talk much. When I got home, I remember telling my Mom that (brother's first name) had saved me from drowning. 

My brother to this day doesn't know what happened and he insists that he did not pull me out. He found me lying on the tree. The incident seemed to have gone into the background of my life in the early years of my life. At times the memory would come up, I would struggle to make sense of it and then it would disappear again for years. In my later years, as a parent, I've struggled to fill in the missing pieces which were causing restlessness for answers, loss of sleep, questioning life.

Something seemed to have brought the incident to the forefront of my thoughts several years ago and it was difficult for me, replaying it out in my mind daily, what happened, how did I get out of the water - Who saved me? It's almost like I have a sense of someone having pulled me from the water. A hand reaching down into the water and pulling me out, telling me it was not your time.

The past year I've been getting more thoughts coming into my head that I was not following the course that I was supposed to. I was supposed to be helping people heal, overcome their challenges, fears, obstacles. Helping them find their path in life. Like I was given a second chance in life and now was the time to take care of business before it gets too late and I didn't accomplish what I was supposed to do. 

I've only recently told my children about my experience. I have actually come to peace with trying to find the missing time/events between going under and awakening. I've been in many sessions of searching and during one, a voice or thought clearly said to me - "You don't need to know the answer right now, it's not the time. Just know that you are here." 


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