Sitting with Death

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It was a time in my life that I had just begun growing into adulthood. I was living with my girlfriend at the time and had come from a Christian background where I was a very active member of my church. A short while before meeting my girlfriend, I began delving into other religious genres such as Neo-Paganism, Wicca, Demonolatry and  Luciferianism. You name it. I tried it. At the time of my experience I was mainly confused with most religion and no longer felt at home with any system of belief so I considered myself an Atheist, rebelling against all forms of belief.

I can easily say I was a very depressed person. I was not happy with my work, my girlfriend, or any other circumstances. I spent a lot of time smoking pot and drinking. At this time in my life I was very emotionally dependent on my girlfriend. We had only one car which had recently gotten into an accident, sending me on an all time low. My girlfriend went on a long trip with a class she was taking and I was left alone with little more than myself, a 13" TV, bag of weed and Playstation.

I worked third shift and began taking nights off from work and feeling super depressed. I couldn´t sleep and didn´t want to eat anything. At some point I had stayed awake the entire day and decided to quit my job. After not sleeping for 24 hours my mind began to repeat suicidal thoughts. I found my way to a local drug store and bought a family package of Benadryl, 65 tablets or so. I popped them all out of the package and proceeded to down as much as I could. I followed it with a little liquor, stayed on my sofa and thought I would just fall asleep forever. Strangely enough I can remember that moment vividly to this day.

I am not sure how long I slept, but when I woke up I began having serious hallucinations. I knew I was in a hallucinogenic state because I still had my mental faculties telling me this was not real. I was sort of slipping in and out of reality. I could not walk well and fell over quite a bit. Strangely enough I was not even thinking of how I was still alive. At some point during my hallucinations I sat on my sofa and felt like I fell asleep.

I woke up looking into the distance at my wall. At this point I no longer felt that I was sleeping or alive or really awake. I was mostly confused, but I still knew I was in my apartment. From the wall I saw what looked like a black dot coming toward me. It got close very fast and became more clearly defined. As I looked closer, it had skin that was grey/white, like ash skin. It had clothing that looked like a robe that was pitch black and seemed to be deep as nothing. The feeling of nothing is also how I felt looking at this being. As I saw its face it was elongated and sunken in with some features of a skeletal face still with the same ash-like skin.

At first when I realized I was in the presence of a creature--death if you will--I was horrified, excited, sad and happy all at once. Then as quickly as the gamut of emotions, I felt completely at ease and emotionless. Then I was able to see myself sitting with death. I saw myself in a bubble-like thing quite impossible for me to really describe. The closest description I can think of may be like my auric bubble that was somewhat yellow. Death began to communicate with me telepathically and our conversation was instantaneous. To this day, I cannot remember what was said. I began to float upward and felt I was leaving my body. Death reached out an elongated skinny finger, not bone-like but just skinny. I sunk back into my body. I can remember death shaking his head like saying no. I still felt completely at ease while I began to fall asleep again.

When I woke up, it was in my hallucinogenic condition again, but I still somehow knew I was hallucinating and not sure how to take what just happened to me. During this state I filled the bathtub with water and plugged it, which caused it to leak and take out the power in the entire building. Shortly after I was institutionalized for three weeks to get my head back on straight. I had forgotten about my near-death experience,assuming it was part of the trip. As years passed, I began having an overwhelming feeling that part of my trip was indeed a NDE.

After this experience I had no suicidal tendencies or actions. Since then I have come to terms with the thoughts that I had a NDE and lost my fear of death. As more years pass I have become Atheistic, but with the idea that what may lie beyond goes past our descriptions or definitions. Thus I am an Atheist to the beliefs of religion. The experience of death and the realistic feeling I had of it has taught me there are certainly things we know nothing about, yet one day we will. My NDE made me a better person as I grew beyond suicidal tendencies and began to concentrate on those around me more. I hope this proves helpful to readers.

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