Gargantuan Energy Source
I was about 17 and a half years old. I had been practically bedridden for a month after having five migraines in the prior month on top of not being able to breathe well because I had acute bronchitis. I swear I was not trying to commit suicide. I really wasn’t! I just wanted to get some pain free sleep and rest and I was reverting back inside myself with an I just give up attitude, not to die but just that I was caving into my body and simply lost the will to fight anymore or try to get better health-wise. So I took (too many) pills. I know they included about five anti-depressants, a bunch of Advil, a few sleeping pills, and a couple of tranquilizers.
I think I started feeling way out of it within an hour or so. My friend held my hand and sat next to the bed as I was lying there. I was wearing a gold cross necklace and later she told me that she literally saw the cross bouncing a couple of inches off my chest right before she saw me stop breathing. Yes, I stopped breathing, although apparently not for that long. She called 911 and the ambulance came and they gave me oxygen and took me to the ER.
Here was my experience, like no other that I’ve ever had in my entire life. I suddenly felt myself in a dark, churning black tunnel. The walls of the vertical-like tunnel were moving, transparent, yet thick and black. There was nothingness. I did not feel any emotion one way or the other until I saw a tiny light coming toward me. The light kept getting bigger but before it reached me (or I reached it?) I heard a huge deep growl kind of sound like from a movie or something but it wasn’t a movie at all. I felt this super scary and I mean very creepy thing entering my space and just before it got closer I was flying at light speed into the light.
The light did not stay light but rather became this clearness; it’s hard to explain. One thing I should explain (that I can) is that I did not at any point move my mouth to speak, nor did the entity (Jesus, I think?) move his mouth to speak either, of course, he didn’t really have a mouth to begin with. My memory of this is so real, it’s like it’s not even a memory it is an ongoing knowledge deep in my soul. I was suddenly surrounded by the sweetest entity I have ever had the privilege of meeting. I also got the distinct impression that “he” was not human at all but took on a mild resemblance of a human to put me at ease for some reason. It was very exact; this feeling that the entity was concerned for my peace and comfort. “He” (for lack of a better term) communicated directly into me. The words were not audible but rather “felt” words that were quite clear.
I saw a flash of a bunch of my life memories, feelings and thoughts, as well as my position as a person, more like the position of my spirit in the universe. He was silent as I watched and I felt different things. It was all finished in a matter of what seemed to be seconds (although everything seemed timeless) but was full and complete and thorough. I recall feeling as if I was so small, so tiny, like a kid. I was looking up at him. “He” didn’t have a face per se, but a glowing familiarity as if I instantly recognized him and knew who he was, even though he wasn’t a person.
I know I felt like he was a father, a god, a brother, a friend, a teacher and most of all, an extremely superior entity that had total care for me, but seemed very strict with me at the same time, as if I was a child that he just caught running away with a cookie jar (that’s just a metaphor). He was not disappointed with me, but in essence communicated to me that I was not fully developed in my position spiritually. I wish there were better words to describe this. He never said these exact words, rather sent these feelings to the deepest core of me. I do specifically remember feeling very immature (that is embarrassing to admit) and like I was five years old or something.
The incredible peace I felt, along with this intense longing to simply be at his side, to never leave him, to beg him to never leave me, I felt very attached to him. It was like the love you have for your parents but a million times. I started sensing that he was about to be separated from me and I began arguing with him, but without words, just by thoughts. “He” said “you are not ready yet. You have to go back.” Then I just turned into the biggest baby, the worst spoiled brat in the entire world.
I completely refused. I resisted. I fought his message and continued begging him with my feelings to just let me stay there with him and that I did not want to go back. I must say again that “he” radiated superiority, but not a conceited or greedy superiority, not a better than you attitude, and not a proud superiority. It was like the kind of mature superiority you would notice in the most intelligent and wise person, but multiply that times like a billion, and that was the one standing before me. He was also so strong, emanating so much brilliance, that it was like he was omniscient, incredibly good, incredibly wise, and amazingly wonderful.
“He” was a gargantuan energy source. I felt like he was God himself. It was like he was also the gatekeeper so to speak and would not let me stay and gently kept telling me I had to go back, without any anger or frustration. He was a monument to patience. He was a pillar of love. But he was strict with me by refusing to let me stay there, like a father forcing his kid to go to the first day of school despite their tantrums and crying. That’s how it felt. He was not being cold to me. He was just strong and unyielding, but in a fatherly kind of way. I also think I lost my composure by being so immature and refusing to obey that maybe he was trying to help me calm down because it felt like he held me in his symbolic arms yet he didn’t have any arms. I then stopped arguing and became resigned in acceptance after his reassurance.
Suddenly it was like I flew so fast; it was incredible. I’m not kidding. I felt myself literally fall into my body and remember seeing my body on the bed right before I fell back into it. I was so exhilarated and delighted at my experience, and so angry at the same time to be back in this restricted, limited, difficult plane of existence. Ever since then it’s like I have a heightened awareness of people’s emotions or I feel the impact of how others are feeling more profoundly. I’m also more irritated that I’m in a body and have complained about it ever since each time I don’t feel good or have problems physically. I find myself getting so frustrated about being in a body. I know now that my body is my prison (sad, but true) and my spirit is separate from my body but like a passenger (spirit) on a raft (the body) on an ocean (this life) called earth -- an ocean full of sharks and storms no doubt.
I don’t pretend to understand all of this. I don’t claim to have the answers. I have no idea how all these things work or what they mean. I can say that at that time in my life, at least according to traditional religion, I was a pretty wild teenager and was not exactly at my best with the way I was treating some of the people in my life. Yet, this beautiful being still loved me and saw good in me…saw past all these things with his wisdom. I also know for certain that a wonderful being is out there that said I'm not ready “yet” which to me implies that one day I will be and that gets me through this life pretty well.
Last Updated ( Saturday, 24 June 2006 04:54 )