Let Me Stay

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I was 17 years old and had been suffering from daily headaches on top of around five major, debilitating migraines that month. This is why I simply stopped caring about life with zero desire to live, and did not hesitate to take a combination of anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills mixed with vodka. I was not literally trying to commit suicide, but I think subconsciously I was quite open to the idea of it, in the event of a physical shut down. I felt more than willing to go with it. I was exhausted physically and had experienced one or two migraines per month and headaches daily for almost a year. I was basically feeling that at such a young age, my life was over and this type of suffering was unbearable and intolerable with no hope whatsoever. My best friend, who lived with my mother and I, was at my bedside the entire time. She witnessed (told me later) that I stopped breathing and my mother had called an ambulance that took me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped.

Here is the main part of my experience. I was laying down in my bed and the effects of the pills with vodka were definitely making me drowsy. At first I thought that I was just falling asleep until I noticed the most distinct and strange sensations in my chest and lungs. It felt as though my heart was throbbing abnormally or with a bizarre series of beats in my chest. I then remember feeling like my body was, in a way, communicating to me that this was the end, this was it, I am about to die. I remember actually reacting with the feeling of relief, and that (selfishly) any attachment to my parents (who I did and do love very much), and to this world, this life, my friends, myself...were not something I wanted to be a part of anymore. I was willing to let go of it all to escape from the torment of my body. It was as if my complete peace with the idea of death helped will my body into giving up, not resisting the process. I was totally and utterly at peace and in fact, so pleased with this concept.

I felt some kind of a floating feeling and started to see in a different way, my body on the bed and my friend crying frantically. For a tiny moment I felt sorry for my body, as if an old friend who I had empathized with, but I was "done" with it and wanted to "move on" without it. When that very brief moment passed, I felt like I was propelled into blackness instantly. I call it a "churning" blackness that was very slow moving within itself, kind of like being on the inside/ center of a slow moving black tornado or funnel type atmosphere. My next memory feels different than regular memory, but this is the best way I can describe it. At first I noticed myself asking myself, "What am I?" Then I think I answered myself, almost non-chalantly, "Oh, I am me!"

I felt neutral emotionally. I had zero thoughts of my family, my parents, or anyone. In fact, I felt nothing but simple peace and contentment without really thinking about anything. I did not have a body. I could not see myself. Then for the next moment (it all happened quickly, yet timelessly) there was a new presence, but it was a mean and angry presence, like something monstrous yet invisible to me. I felt like it was coming closer and it made me extremely frightened. I felt like it wanted to devour me, then I felt helpless. I didn't even know what it was but immediately started asking (with my emotions) for Jesus Christ.

Within one millionth of a second (or seemingly) I sensed a tiny light that was getting exponentially larger and faster heading toward me, or perhaps me heading toward it, as it pulled me away from the creepy presence of the churning blackness. I felt myself surrounded not only by total light (not the same kind of light on earth, but a spiritual brightness) and the most incredible, most beautiful, wise, loving and parental type presence that enveloped me at first to calm me. I specifically remember that it knew me and I knew it instantly. It was as if this being had known me for my entire life, better than my family or even me. I knew I could trust it and I felt rescued by it. I knew it cared about me. The presence did not have a face, but was like an entity of feelings, love, and goodness. Immense goodness...out of this world type of goodness.

I immediately felt like a child kneeling metaphorically at its feet, even though it had no body or gender. After it comforted me, I felt all the feelings I had my whole life and all the feelings from others in my life. It was like a giant ball of energy moving through me. I remember having this epiphany of sorts that I saw all of my weaknesses and strengths. Everything suddenly made sense. I was enjoying that knowledge, but I did not get to keep it (beyond the feeling of pleasure at my realizations).

I completely latched onto this good presence like a baby would cling to a mother. I remember feeling like a tiny little blob of spirit, grasping onto this incredible being of goodness and sinking into it with the greatest relief and joy. There was no pain, no sadness, or no stress. It filled any and every hole in my soul. Within this goodness I felt complete but dependent on it. Then it started communicating with me (like instant thoughts back and forth between us). Sweetly and meekly, I started arguing and begging it to let me stay. I absolutely refused to leave its presence insisting that I was finally happy and continued to beg to stay. It said (inaudibly) that "You are not ready yet. You must go back." It said these messages very, very gently and with tenderness and love, again like a parent would reassure a small child. I reluctantly agreed and part of me feels like it was surprised I was there in the first place, and I felt like it viewed me as an undeveloped soul that had to grow more before staying, for whatever reason. I was not given a choice. I do remember (in a way) that it communicated to me that it loved and cared for me but that I was not finished yet.

I was sent gently into the midst of blackness for a tiny fraction of a second. At the fastest speed you could ever imagine, I was propelled into my body and felt almost like a loud (metallic) sound happened. I opened my eyes to see my mother and best friend crying and panicking. An ambulance arrived shortly thereafter. I was partly happy that I had just had that experience and partly frustrated to be back in my body.

Starting from that day my headaches and migraines almost went away completely, although sometimes I still have them on occasion. Since that day, when I am around any human being I feel like a human antenna with an emotional radar to the millionth degree. I feel like I also sometimes have sensed evil beings on occasion. One night I saw in the darkness an outline of a presence but it disappeared as soon as I was distressed at noticing it. It was a good presence though, which had seemed to appear and disappear quickly right after I had been crying about my life. I think it was an angel, but it had no face or wings.

I believe both evil and good attract evil or good energy/spirits, whatever you would like to call them. And, when people get angry, it invites more evil. At least that's what I feel like I learned in general. I also feel that goodness is often met with vicious energy to try and destroy it or get goodness off track. Perhaps it sounds strange, but I truly believe that this whole time on earth, we are surrounded by all sorts of spirits that are simply invisible to us. I think I met Jesus that day. It was a beautiful day I cherish and rely on to get me through difficult times. It is a reminder that this life truly is temporary and for some reason, helps us form into different types of souls. That is my experience. I hope it helps someone.

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