Tremendous Homesickness

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I was away at college and my boyfriend came up to visit me for the weekend. I was trying to distance myself from him and break off the relationship. Every time I tried to leave, he would threaten suicide so I was easing away from him gradually.

I believe he used cocaine that evening, but not in front of me. I did not use it. I was not a cocaine user and thought it was stupid. We might have had a beer or two in the evening. No one was intoxicated. Some time around three in the morning, I woke up to find my boyfriend raping me with his hands around my neck. I was shocked and confused. I started fighting for my life, but he was much bigger and stronger than I was, and it had little effect. The entire incident was surreal because my boyfriend was not a physical abuser; although he once tried to kill us by running his car head on into another car. (At that time, he looked like he was in a trance, and snapped out of it when I yelled and grabbed the wheel.)

When I looked up at his face, I not only saw him smiling, but also saw his face contorted. I don't know how to explain it except his face looked demonic. I remember thinking this can't be happening. After a few minutes without oxygen, I felt myself give up and I thought, "I am going to die now. Wow." I just slid out of my body and rose above the bed and said to myself, "I thought this one was supposed to be longer. Oh well, I am coming home." I was hovering at the ceiling, totally detached emotionally from my body. I watched him continue to rape and abuse my body without much emotion. I felt wonderful with no pain or negative emotions. It was as if every cell in my body was in ecstasy. I gave no thought to my beloved pets, family, friends, or plans. I was so excited to go home. I started rising above my house in the light and full of joy until suddenly I was slammed hard back into my body. I thought to myself "NO! Why was I sent back when he was only going to kill me again?"

Suddenly, he took his hands off my neck, leaned back, and looked surprised. He put his hands up to his own neck and started tearing at both sides and front of it (like trying to tear invisible fingers away). I was weak and gasping for breath. My neck hurt and my lungs felt like they were burning. I just lay there gasping, watching him. His hand motions became even more frantic, his face got red, and his lips started turning blue. I could tell that he couldn't breathe. I felt that some positive element, like an angel, had attacked him to save me. Then he went unconscious and fell on top of me. I freaked out, shoved him, and he slid off the bed with a big thump. I jumped out of bed and looked at him. He was crumpled up on the floor and didn't look like he was breathing. Part of me thought that he should stay dead. Another part was worried that he might haunt me. If he stayed dead, I was terrified of explaining this whole experience to police.  I couldn't imagine what I would say. God saved me. They might think that I killed him. Reluctantly, I straightened out his body and got ready to do CPR. As soon as I opened an airway, he gasped deeply, opened his eyes, and grabbed my arm hard. I remember thinking that his bulging eyes were actually going to pop out of his head. He was utterly terrified. His voice was hoarse and he said repeatedly, "I've been to the "other place." He then just passed out. I was scared that he had died again, but I could see him breathing so I grabbed a blanket off the bed and ran out of the room. I was shaking. My throat hurt and I felt like I was in shock. I spent the rest of the night trying to understand the experience while huddled in the blanket and shaking.

The next morning, I had marks on my throat and a terrible sore throat. He came bouncing downstairs with no memory of what had happened. He asked me why my voice was hoarse. I decided that I must get away from him at all costs, and did. I did not bother to tell him what he had done. I just wanted to get him out of my life.

What was really amazing is that he previously told me about a NDE he experienced 10 years ago when he was in the military and overdosed on an IV of illegal drugs. He told me that he was probably dead for 20 minutes while his friends performed CPR on him. He said he saw a wonderful light full of love that evaluated his life with a clear chalice full of liquid poured into a scale that measured his good and bad deeds. The light told him that his bad deeds had outnumbered his good, and a shadow crept forward and overtook the good light. The light told him, "I will always love you, but you have to go with this thing." He began screaming and pleading, telling them he was young and would change. Suddenly, he was back in his body with his exhausted friends doing CPR on him. He had no effects of the drugs in his body. 

When he told me the story, I asked him if he had in fact changed. He said "No." That's when I started trying to get out of the relationship. If he wouldn't change after meeting God, he was beyond help. 

I know now that God will completely protect my life until it is time to go. I have been in dangerous situations many times, but never worry about dying. If it is my time, it is my time. Until then, I don't worry about it. When times are tough, I try not to think about how wonderful it was out of my body, when I was headed home. Nothing here on earth compares with it. I now have a tremendous homesickness for the other side. I try not to think about it too much because I need to focus on what I am doing here, instead of longing for that perfect other place.

Last Updated ( Monday, 20 December 2010 16:25 )

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