By Anonymous on Sunday, September 8, 2002 - 11:28 pm:
I am not sure how to go about this, so I am just writing my memories surrounding the wonderful event. Here goes:
I was the COO of a complex homeopathic manufacturing firm. I chose to go to Sri Lanka to present this remedy to a M.D. who is a phenomenal professor of all forms of medicine. Whilst in Sri Lanka, I studied and became an Acupuncturist. The remedy was used with the acupuncture points to produce phenomenal cures. Unfortunately, there was alot of negative feedback of my work coming from my CEO. I placed myself in an internally suppressed frustrated mode, which built in intensity.
On the night of December 7, 1997, I had reached the apex of this internal frustration. I left the clinic early (about 10:00pm) and took a tuk-tuk back to my monk-like room. I showered, trying to shake the heaviness, which was weighing my head. I went up to the roof-top restaurant to have some nutrition and then chose not to. My colleagues had arrived and wanted to sit about and chat about the cases. I excused myself due to fatigue and went down to my room to sleep.
I slowly undressed and climbed into my bed [which was a foam mattress on boards] and placed the overhead mosquito netting about the bed. I was so frustrated and didn't know where to turn. I am a highly positive thinking, feeling, living and spiritual person, and have only the highest respect for the Universe/Mother-Father-GOD, and have turned to this source for guidance on a continual basis my entire life. IT has been my parent, mentor, guide, since my last parent's death when I was 3. That night my frustration with negativity exploded. And I shouted from the depths of my soul, under the loud drone of the window air-conditioner. I shouted: "GOD, I have had enough! I am sick and tired of all the negativity in my life!" Then I raised my fist for emphasis and continued with: "So I want this negativity to stop! And I want it to stop NOW! NOW! No more! Enough! STOP IT NOW!" Having expelled this fury from my heart and soul, and for some reason not feeling the least bit guilty for screaming at my source of direction, only feeling strangely justified in my anger, I laid down and closed my eyes. Normally, it takes me a long while to drift off to sleep. This night was different.
After closing my eyes, the next recollection was myself being in the presence of, in the arena of, enveloped in, PURE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. Re-reading this, it sounds so lame. How can I explain? For all these years I just have not been able to describe this to fully honour its incredibleness, it's ISNESS.
A communication occurred, through instantaneous osmosis, rather than our human verbalization. The communication concerned my pre-natal chosen human life's work as well as some basic universal laws, which I had overlooked in my human form. Then it was time for me to return. I did not want to return to my human form. I wanted to stay enveloped in that phenomenal dimension of unconditional love. I argued. I shook my head at my nerve. I was gently overruled. I was still communicating my desire to stay home [for I felt I was home] when I received the communication that it was time for me to return. And God then gently "placed" his Energy at my thymus, and I was on my way back to my human form. I found myself crying out "nooo" as I glided backwards through the Universe. My "nooo" instantaneously changed to silent awe as I observed my breathtaking and radiant surroundings. I joyfully swirled earthbound and then, alas, the journey was much too short.
I arrived back into my human form with an ear piercing crash; the bed boards crashing loudly against one another. Within nanoseconds, I sat up in a lazy lotus position. I was laughing. Joyously, loudly and from the depths of my heart and soul. I was still connected with "God", still felt in direct communication, and placed my hands on my hips and stated: "God, that was very unceremonious of you!" My joy was almost overwhelming. Then as I looked around I slowly felt the "presence" leave, leaving me seemingly alone back on this earth's plane. I felt immense sadness. However, the anger was gone. I laid down, and shed quiet tears of sadness before entering a sleep state. When I awoke the following morning, I was not in top form. I was dizzy and my head, on my left side was in excruciating, pulsating knife-like pain cutting into my ear. My left arm and hand was numb and tingling. I arose and took care of an elderly female patient, which came to my room at 7:30 every morning before I headed to the hospital. I told her she would have to go to the hospital or the clinic from then forward, as I was not feeling well. I then informed the hospital through a colleague, that I was taking some time off. I then went back to my room and laid down. I do not know how long I visited "God". I stayed in my room for a week, barely able to eat, and unable to walk. I swore a colleague to confidence and had him administer to me my complex homeopathic to certain acupuncture points. He was concerned and wanted me to go to the hospital for a CAT Scan. I refused to go. He tried to scare me into going by saying I could die. I responded with: "I already have and was sent back. I have no fear of death. I would welcome it. I just choose to go this route for some reason. It is something I need to experience for some reason." So he kept my confidence and attended to me. It took two weeks before I could walk to the beach, which was about 1/2 kilometer away. Then I walked to the doctor and asked him to check me out, without telling him why I wanted the check up. After doing so, he asked me what happened, because everyone of my systems was almost defunct. He said I was almost the walking dead. I then told him what happened. He prescribed some homeopathic pills for my cardiovascular system, and performed critical moxibustion and acupuncture on all my systems. After three of his sessions, along with the continual complex homeopuncture, my systems were back on line. The only physical issue was my left hand and arm. So I had an American M.D./Acupuncturist, administer the painful point I knew had to be done. Immediately, my hand and arm became unblocked and back to normal functioning.
It took three years for me to not be homesick. It took four years for me to recall my communiqué. The changes in my life are delightful.
When I heard you on Coast to Coast I felt so relieved to hear that others are out there on this planet earth going through the same. I still find it so difficult to explain, because there are no English words to aptly describe the experience. I cherish my experience and find strength in the knowledge I therein gained. Also, is the intense loneliness due to not being able to share a common experience, along with the loneliness due to having a different slant on life that does not include the negativity and games with which we humans are so adept.
I'd like to share one of my major lessons. I learnt from my beatific communiqué one answer, which is directly related to the preamble to this experience. It's the old adage, "be careful what you ask for." Negativity. My old nemesis. A very simple answer. I learnt that according to Universal Law, this planet is based on duality. Hence negativity exists. When negativity no longer exists, one is no longer a resident of this planet as it presently works. The formula is for each of us to acknowledge the existence of this duality and then choose to disallow its existence to damage our individual paths. For each of us to instead use the negativity to help our awareness of the need for positive action, and to consciously work at infusing each of our lives with only the positive. In thus doing so, when each of us reaches this epitome of life, at some time in space, our planet will naturally shift from duality to understanding and living in unconditional love and harmony with all life, as we will have effectively removed the need for negativity.
Thank you for this opportunity to express, without feeling the condemnation of absurdity.
Who am I? An orphan who became woman, mother, grandmother, accountant (since age 20), Reiki teacher, Acupuncturist, numerous other natural health and life interests, Certified Metaphysical teacher, present student of Homeopathy whilst driving my own truck to pay for my past world travels and tuition, and living on 50 acres of land. Also a human being filled with Unconditional Love and Joy.
By Anonymous on Sunday, September 8, 2002 - 11:01 pm:
I never talked about this in all these years. It was the most terrifying experience I have ever had.
Suddenly, I was falling down this pitch black pit. My stomach felt as if I was on a roller coaster, the speed I was travelling at had to be tremendous. It sounded very echoey. At my left side was a wolf. It was snarling and growling and foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal. I could feel its breath and spittle flying into my face. I knew this wolf was going to tear me limb from limb. I remember screaming for my father to help me over and over.
I realize all this took place in a very short period of time but it seemed I was there for a long time.
This experience is as real today as the day it happened even after all these years.
By Anonymous on Sunday, August 25, 2002 - 10:44 pm:
In 1989, a female friend of mine whom I had known since I was 5, died in a car accident. I was very upset. I went to the funeral and decided that at a later date I would return there with flowers to pay my respects. However, I became involved with a bad crew and my social life took over everything. Much to the detriment of everything else.
One night while asleep in 1992 I saw my deceased friend while I was out of my body in a room that had rows of church pew style seats. There was another person there, a male. He was holding out a white coat towards me saying if I wanted to be with her then I had to put it on. The coat was like dentists, whereby you put your arms in first and it fastens up the back.
As I began putting my arms in I felt frightened and quickly pulled them back out. I then "traveled" approximately 6 feet above the ground down a path with tall trees on both sides. Everything glowed with silver light; rocks, trees, plants etc.
I then woke up in my bedroom with massive chest pains and my pillow wet through with tears. It took me about 5 minutes to be able to get out of bed. It felt like someone had been stood on my chest.
I was very distraught and went to see the parents of my deceased friend to find out exactly where her headstone was as I felt she was reminding me not to forget her. As I arrived, her brother told me that the stone was not at the place where the service had took place but, was at a small chapel a few miles away.
As I approached the chapel I immediately recognized the row of tall trees and I walked into the churchyard and found her stone almost immediately.
I feel I was given the choice to pass over and that the post mortem for me would probably have read heart attack.
A few nights later I had another experience, this time involving a story about a whale, which seemed so real to me that, when I woke, I thought I had actually seen it on TV. This "dream" inspired me to learn (almost obsessively) about the natural environment. I turned the dream into a story, which I typed out, on a clunky old typewriter, sometimes for 8 hours a day. Towards the end my parents were worried because I was reading a lot of books and absorbing information like a sponge. I needed "input". I had no time for idle chat or banter. I wanted facts.
My knowledge base grew very rapidly and I decided to apply for an under-graduate degree in environmental studies. My own reading since the dream had given me the knowledge I needed to apply and I was successful in my application. This astonished a lot of people since I had originally studied construction at college. From this course I went onto do a teacher training course, however there were few jobs. I found myself quite unexpectedly applying for and getting a job working with children with disabilities. If you had said a few years earlier that I would be doing this job I probably would have laughed in your face but my whole outlook had changed literally overnight and these young people seemed to be the perfect teachers for things such as tolerance, compassion and the limits of the human experience.
I am a changed man. There is no doubting that. I feel I occasionally anticipate events. These are always serious or bad in nature. I don’t know why this is but it seems to be the pattern.
I recently learned that at approximately the same time I was having my "white coat experience" my cousin whom I had not seen for a long time was also undergoing similar experiences. He told his partner at the time that someone was offering him a “white coat to put on” in his dreams and that this had been happening for a few nights running. He told her that on this night he “would put the coat on”. So they went to sleep. My cousin woke with his partner slapping his face and shouting “breathe!”. He had stopped breathing and his lips had gone blue. Eventually he did breathe and he came round with no damage. He explained to her that he had put one arm fully in the sleeve of the white coat-that was all. He had not experienced any physical discomfort at all until he woke.
It was a few years later when I told him of my experience. When he was telling me about his, I interrupted him and said, " before you tell me what the white coat was like-I’ll bet it was one that you put your arms into first”. He was gobsmacked and shocked by what I said.
We feel we both had the chance to pass over because at the time, neither of us was helping anyone other than ourselves and hurting people along the way.
We have both changed a lot since then and feel the experiences were beneficial in many ways.
By Anonymous on Sunday, August 25, 2002 - 10:20 pm:
I had just come off the mid-night watch, taken a quick cold shower. I lay down for a few minutes as reveille would sound at 5:30 a.m., and I would have to get up again.
My neck and shoulders had not yet hit the pillow, when I realized, that as I touched my eyes, I was no longer myself. I was a presence, aware of the yellow lined green clouds and, was being invited to jump into the turquoise sky. I did have a feeling like a golden spider web that vibrated to the universal sounds and feelings. I was in love. I heard a voice tell me, I could “not remain” there, I would “have to go back”. I asked “why not” and was told that I would “have to finish what I had started out to accomplish”. I acknowledged okay and was back in the rack.
I noted the 1st class EM cover his eyes and head with his blanket and as he turned over. I noted his disbelief of what he had just seen. I had had a NDE without the aspect of Death.
I went on to finish the full week with less than an hours sleep daily.
I go there regularly and commune with God directly as the Presence plays with my hair and drops down to observe through my eyes at will. When I direct its attention to some problem or health problem someone has, I move out of its way and channel. The Healing takes place between it and the objective.
I have slipped on Ice and been lifted and set back very gently. I talk to God and a softbluish light appears in my cab and, when I try to shut off the light with the switch I note that it is not physical in our terms. It is the Quetzal of the Aztec's, The presence of James Redfield's Book Secrets of Shambahala.
Sometimes children that are not able to get out of their strollers, looking with focused intent, look around for someone and emphatically exclaim while pointing with their finger "GOD!" –
Today I teach others to see life through the point of the brain that does imagination and seeking. To use the Amegdela switch and attuning their attention become one with their brushes, medium and canvass. Allow their emotional energy to arise, with their spirituality. Intentionally focus with that feeling and wait. The Presence will transform it into 100% Time and Reality. I love it.
The Me in You, the You in Me, There is only "I AM.'
By Anonymous on Thursday, August 22, 2002 - 09:41 pm:
I was shot point blank with a 357 magnum & it hit below my right breast.
The bleeding was sucking chest wound. A person there had been born with an extra large thumb & he stuck his thumb in the wound -that was squirting out about a foot.
While I was on the ground a being that looked like a beautiful
angel came to me, above my head & asked me "are you ready to go?"
I answered “no I have too many things I have to do” & the angel said
"alright, I'll see you again" then I was taken to the hospital.
I had another nde later about 1986 related to internal bleeding.
I was taken to a hospital in California - they tell me I was dead 12 minutes.
I was supposed to be in a coma for the rest of my life.
During this time I left my body and went above the cities around the world then I went into the firmament in space.
Then, I came to a beautiful cloud in the midst of the dark space.
In the middle of the cloud was a massive marble table.
On the right of the table were three people dressed in robes.
On the other side of the table there were 5 people dressed the same way.
One of them seemed to be in charge & they were talking to each other.
Then they turned to me & the one in charge motioned for me to come over.
I don’t understand what happened then - it seemed like part of me stayed there & part of me went over to him & the others came over too.
The talking seemed to go on for a while & then I left & came back to my body. At that time a pastor friend was praying for me, holding my hand,
he felt my hand move & I came out of the coma!
In the years following I became a chaplain & had spiritual experiences
with people I was praying for & with.
One time I was praying for a lady that was near death - as I was praying for her I felt like electricity going through my arms.
Another time the same thing when I was leading a group in prayer.
And one time a man was praying for me in church & I had like a ray going from the bottom of my body going slowly all the way to the top of my head.
Once while walking in the back yard- I seemed to walk into another dimension- everything was so bright & beautiful & I had a great feeling of being in total peace- this has happened two times.
Another time I was praying for a disabled veteran- an amputee-
they were supposed to amputate more of his leg & after praying for him I found out later that they did not amputate anymore of his leg! Praise be to God!
I haven't heard of other experiences like this ndr.
I met my wife in a way I know god was involved & he sends us on what I call assignments. God puts us in situations where people need prayer & god, then we seem to go to a different areas of the country to a new assignment
I believe our biggest assignment is still to come.
I now know that there is a God & we all have a particular job to do! I hope I did a good job describing this.
My life is completely changed- what matters most now are spiritual matters.
And, I believe god has given me my job.
By Anonymous on Thursday, August 22, 2002 - 09:39 pm:
I was lying on the procedure gurney in the hospital. I was undergoing a cardiac catherization to determine if my arteries leading to the heart were blocked from cholesterol/plaque. (I was experiencing chest pains the whole week). I was not under anesthesia or sedation of any kind.
As I laid on this bed, the doctor and the team of assistants/medical technicians were inserting catheters into my groin area, all the while injecting contrast into my arteries and taking a series of pictures that would later be studied to determine if blockage indeed was present.
The doctor inserted the first set, went in, and took his pictures. He repeated this process two other times. The second time, as with the first, the catheter went in and came out effortlessly. I was wide awake the whole time and had not felt discomfort nor uneasiness the first two times.
As he inserted the catheter a third time, I began to sense a problem. The doctor snapped orders to his staff: "get me a _______, I need a #6 blah blah blah. Quickly" As I listened to all this commotion, I felt a slight fluttering of my heart. No pain, but anticipation.
Suddenly, I found myself in a dark space that quickly became a bright, diffused white room. I was in this place that seemed to be a room, in the presence of a being that I felt was a man. Although I could not make out any distinctive features, his figure was definitely that of a man. There was a feeling of peace, of well-being, of comfort. No sound was heard, he did not speak to me.
Just at the point that I was realizing that I was in this room (at first it was surreal, then, I defined the place more accurately), I felt a horrible pain all around my chest, and a strange smell. It was as if two burning stakes had been thrust into my heart. I opened my eyes, and heard a man's voice screaming my name in the distance. “Speak to me!”.... I remember being upset that I had been awoken from this place. I had no idea where I was. All I felt was this terrible pain in my chest. As I looked around, I noticed that the man that was calling my name was the medical technician. Slowly, I spoke. My first words were: "Where am I?" As I regained full consciousness, I realized I was still in the procedure room, and recognized the doctor. I asked him what happened, and he responded: "I'll tell you later". He left the room.
They hooked me up to various machines and stabilized me. After I was fully stable, the doctor came back in and explained what happened:
As he inserted the catheter in the third artery, he maneuvered it towards the heart. As he reached an intersection and injected dye to take pictures, the size of the catheter, coupled with plaque that was blocking that artery completely cut the flow of blood to the heart. My heart went into fibrillation and I flatlined. I died. He told me that he poked my face, no response. They had to use the defibrillator paddles, and administered 300 joules of electrical current to my heart. (That explained the pain I felt). He said I was dead for approximately one minute, no more.
Upon listening to this, I remember a series of emotions running through my mind. I was fearful that I would die again, and recalled asking for my wife, to say "goodbye". I recall thinking that I was not ready to die. I was very depressed.
This occurred on August 9, 2002 (Just last week). I haven't been the same since. What did I experience? Was it just the last dream of a dying brain? Or was it the prelude of the afterlife? Has anyone else had similar experiences, I mean of being in this white room with another presence?
It certainly didn't feel spiritual, but maybe I was dead for too short a period. Instead of having answers, I'm more confused than ever.
By Anonymous on Wednesday, August 21, 2002 - 10:37 pm:
My family and I went to Florida on vacation. We were swimming on the Atlantic side. There was some undertow. My family were the only ones on the beach.
I was in about waist deep water and riding in the waves when I went under. I did not feel anything. I did not know anything was happening to me. I remember a swirling sensation. It was dark. When some people say it’s a tunnel, I can relate to that. I felt happy. I remember saying to myself, "I must be drowning. This is not bad at all." Then I heard a voice. A man's voice saying very direct and clear, "Not now". Then I remember thinking, why, must I get up. Then I felt the water as I lay on the bottom of the ocean. I pushed myself up and started to cough. No one noticed that I almost drowned.
It seemed like I was down there a long time. But, I guess not, since no one noticed I was gone.
I had the feeling that drowning was the way to go. No fear, no pain. This experience made me happy. I knew that there was more.
I don't know why I couldn't continue my journey. I question what do I have left here on earth to do.
This experience happened thirty some years ago but I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
I know this may sound strange, but I heard that same voice another time in my life. When I was about 13 years old, I had an eating disorder. I remember that same voice saying to me, "Stop, you are dying" and I did stop.
One time my mother's heart stopped and I didn't know it. I remember getting a feeling that I should send an angel. I saw a very stern looking angel. Just like an icon from Russia. I sent it to my mother. This was very strange for me to do. I found out years later that my mother saw that angel too and, her heart started beating again after 5 mins of being dead.
By Anonymous on Tuesday, August 20, 2002 - 08:54 pm:
I had to go under surgery, because my tonsils had to come out. The surgeon and his assistants put me on a leather chair. I was very afraid, when they put a big nose cap on my nose and mouth, so that I could not breathe. I was around 5, 6 years then. I did not know what was going to happen with me. They told me to breathe, but I refused because there was a nasty smell coming out of the cap. Laughing gas I learned later.
I can remember everything exactly, like it happened a minute ago!
Finally, I breathed in and I felt myself sinking in a kind of dark spiral.
Then suddenly there is a kind of yellowish light, bright. It is all around me, it is like I see it without eyes. At the right there are light concentric circles, which are turning against each other. I notice there are small, very dark symbolic figures inside the circles, which are also turning with the movement of these circles. I am a little bit afraid of those figures.
Then I hear on the left very, very beautiful music, coming from far away. It is really a kind of angel’s choir, very warm.
Then I see, suddenly, from a birds eye view, a few doctors in green with lots of blood on their hands bending over something. I had no self-consciousness then. It was me.
I think to myself, “something has gone VERY wrong there!”
And then, I am in myself again and there is a burning pain in my throat and, much blood.
I sensed, I was only a young child, that something almost got out of hand. I am now thinking that maybe I got out of the narcoses too soon because, I felt a lot of pain and the surgeons were still busy with me.
When all was over, my parents gave me a pluche seagull and all was forgotten. I was a happy child!
By Anonymous on Sunday, August 18, 2002 - 10:40 pm:
I'd been spending alot of time with my mom in her final time and she spoke often of "Doug and Helen" who would come to visit her. Doug was almost always there, Helen only some of the time. These did not seem to be anyone we were aware of her knowing in her past. It got to where I could recognize when they were in the room, even where they were in the room as I could sense their energy and I could "see" them. Best description would be a displacement, kind of like when you see heat rising up off a pavement. But they felt different. I would notice them and then she would say, "Oh, Doug is here". In February (she died in April) her brother died. She had no short-term memory so telling her wouldn't have made a difference so we hadn't really told her and the day of his death she said "oh, Peter's here!". Prior to that she had mentioned many of her other siblings presence there, but never him. Again, it got to where I could recognize whom was there and when and then, she would comment on it.
As her condition degenerated and communication became more difficult for her, I began having dreams where she would come to me and talk about things only she was young and whole. Somehow in all of this she told me when she was going to die, and I told friends that she would cross over on April 19th. This is indeed when she died.
I was sitting in the chair one night just holding her hand as she slept. My Father was at the other end of the house watching TV. All the lights were off. As I sat there, I heard someone coming down the hall and come into the room...my back was to the door. They put their hand on my shoulder as if to comfort me. I assumed it was my dad. When I reached up to put my hand on his there was no physical hand there, yet I could feel it as if it were. These types of experiences continued daily.
In March, about a month before she crossed, it was during the day, I stood by her bed as she slept. I had been chanting over her. She started to breathe heavier and a light began to radiate out from her and encircle the two of us. It seemed to be whirling, for lack of a better way to describe it. Then, as it seemed to get thicker, she took a big gasp and arched her back and a red swirling light began to rise up out of her, around the area of her first or second chakra. As it rose up, it whirled around faster and got wider and a white whirling light came down from above and met it. They whirled together and expanded wider and wider until they both engulfed both of us, whirling faster and getting bigger. I felt nervous, but I stayed put, watching and feeling this intense energy pulse through me. This continued for several minutes until finally she gasped again, and it was like she was being lifted from her center in an arch and with that both lights, separate but combined, went up with a whoosh and she dropped back on the bed and slept as if nothing happened. I still felt like I was vibrating. I just stood there wondering what had just happened. Her condition began the final decline after this.
Within a couple of days I notice on my belly where there had been nothing before, I was developing a couple of moles...these were HER moles. My mom had always distinctly had these moles on the R side of her belly and now they were showing up on my abdomen. They are still there now. Also, My mom always painted and was quite creative, artsy. All the painting in our house were her works. I had never had much talent...perhaps more than average, but nothing to speak of. Since her death, I have discovered that I have quite an artistic talent. I have never had any art class, yet I am quite a skilled charcoal artist now. Charcoal was a favorite of hers, even though she was a better painter. Her talent has manifested in me as a charcoal artist. She also sewed all my clothing as a child. I have developed an uncanny ability to sew without patterns even. I can picture the patterns in my head. I just seem to know how to do all kinds of crafts now that I never had a clue about before.
About a month after her death, a small white light appeared in my room. It grew nightly from about the size of a tennis ball to that of oh, a basketball. I tried to figure out what source it had, if it was being reflected off of something or coming though the window and best as I could figure it was independent. It seemed to have a presence. I just watched it intently. After a couple of weeks I started to see faces in it. Vague but distinct at the same time. They didn't really have structure or definition yet there they were as real as I was. I just watched. The light began to get bigger again and then move from over in the corner to closer to where I slept, then adjacent to my bed, then hovering over my bed. The faces became more prominent and it would hang closer to me until finally one night it floated directly over me and an arm and hand reached out to me as if to take my hand. Unfortunately, I panicked and pulled the blanket up over my head. Then when I peaked out finally, it had moved back over to the side of my bed. There was a feeling of disappointment, but it wasn't mine. Over the next few days/weeks the light still lingered but the faces got fainter and the ball got smaller until it totally disappeared.
The day after the reaching incident, I was driving in a community I didn't normally visit and I saw a sign that said “Institute of Light” or something like that. I stopped and went in. The receptionist was on the phone and when she looked up and saw me she stopped short and told the other person she had to go. She didn't take her eyes off of me. When she hung up she just said (I hadn't said a word as of yet) "you just had a visit didn't you?" then "they thought you were ready, but apparently you weren't. They wanted to take you to show you the other side. It’s a rare thing that you can do this without actually dying. They thought you were ready to see. But apparently you need to learn to trust more. Don’t worry. You will have a chance again. They will make sure you are ready next time. Oh, and your mother wants you to know that she did some things with the way she raised you.... you know what she is referring to...things that she is sorry for. She sees now the impact it’s had and she wants you to know she meant well. She loves you and will be with you. And she wants you to know that you are following the correct path. Your beliefs are correct. Your understanding is correct. Your "knowing" is real. You really do "know". Believe in it. Trust it. Trust what you know. That is what she came to tell you about. Trust yourself. You know. You know. Keep practicing as you are and you will reach your destiny. Your path is changing. You will be practicing the metaphysical. That is your path. There are many lessons, it will be difficult, but you will do well. You will be a healer. You are a healer. Know this." I just thanked her and left. The interesting thing is that at the time, I had just started practicing Buddhism and was catching alot of flack from my family about not being a good Christian. I was also a scientist and this was ruffling my world. I had always believed in the metaphysical but there was no way I could openly admit this to my scientist friends. I could not be open about who I was and what I believed. It was a secret life. I was afraid of being laughed at. And here she was telling me I would practice the metaphysical. There was about as much chance of that as my becoming President.
Since moving 5 1/2 years ago, I was pushed and pushed and pushed until finally I enrolled in massage school. I have evolved significantly and am a practicing therapist. I focus on energetic healing and it has been phenomenal in my life. I am sensitive to "the other side" and the divine. None of my scientific friends laugh. They see how this is a part of me. It is who I was always meant to be. But mom is more than just with me. She is physically a part me. Sometimes I laugh and its her laugh...things like that.
By Anonymous on Monday, August 12, 2002 - 10:22 pm:
(Sorry for my English as it is not my native language).
When I was about 20 years old I still lived with my father and my sister. I recently had lost my mother and for this reason I was very stressed. Since when I was I child I always have been sensitive and I could "feel" that God existed. In that period of my life I approached God in a stronger way, as I wanted to be happier and more serene (my relationships with my father and my sister weren't ok - they had a different mind, they were more "material" than I was).
One night, after a strong quarrel with them, I closed me in my room and, starting to cry, I began praying to God, asking for his help.I had all the eyes opened and suddenly I saw the Light coming to me from "inside of me" and from "outside" (it is difficult to explain, but I think Light is as inside as outside of me). I was very frightened, as I could realize it wasn't a dream. But after a few seconds Light began to "speak" and I understood I should not be afraid, as Light was the Being nearest to me. I understood that Light was God. The Light said that it is the Being with more power and beauty, the Being above everyone and everything.
The Light said to me that I had loved my deceased mother too much: it isn't good to love a human being more than God, as God is the more important aspect in our life. The Light said also that I am not like my mother, my father and my sister: She saw me different places where people go after their death and told me that She wanted me in a good place, assigned to what here we name "angels" = beings who work for the Light. Light told me that I am an angel.
I expressed my wish to "die", to go in the New World I could see, but She/He/It said that I had to wait more years before "dying".
That experience lasted here a few times (some seconds or one minute), but in reality in that moment I could feel the time disappearing. The Light then, went away saying that She “will always be near” me “during my life”.
After His "physical" abandon, I suddenly felt very angry with my mother, guilty of a too intensive relationship with her when she was alive (the "funny" thing is that before my contact with the Light I could never feel negative feelings for my mother!).
After that contact, I have abandoned the Catholic religion, as now I feel the Light and I don't need a religion any more.
I sometimes can speak with the Light, inside of me, especially when I am stressed: I feel Her presence and I immediately feel better. I sometimes express a wish to Her and it often becomes granted.
One scientist who phoned me (I wrote to an Italian NDE study group some time ago) told me that mine wasn't an NDE - as I wasn't in danger of life, but a "Spiritual emergency" - suggesting me to buy a book by Groff, who utilizes this term.
My life is better now. I don't live any more with my family. I have bought a house, I have a girlfriend, a solid job, and a big reptile house on the second floor, as I love reptiles and in particular snakes (that I like to breed and to study).
Even now that I am independent sometimes, I am depressed as I feel like a wall between me and other people. I sometimes understand how caged is my soul in this world (I feel many aspects of my life - certain social rules, some duties - very far from my spirituality): I would like to escape, but I am here and I have to wait.
At the opposite of these bad feelings, other times I live the happiness to have been contacted by the Light.
I hope to live all my life as Light would like and my biggest fear is to make some mistakes.
By Anonymous on Monday, August 12, 2002 - 10:00 pm:
I was driving toward Pittsfield Mass. from Albany N.Y. to work in that area for the day. It was a beautiful spring day and I drove without really being aware of the trip--much like you can sometimes walk several blocks without being aware of even passing the corners.
Somewhere in the mountains (and while really driving without a thought), I heard a voice. It was as clear as any normal voice (not a thought or idea), and seemed gender neuter. The voice said "There is a God --- everything will be alright." (Although I heard this voice seemingly through my ears, it was totally non directional.) The following sequence of events then occurred, although the order may be slightly different than I relate here. I knew with absolute certainty that the words I heard were true. I then experienced an unconditional love of God for "me". This love is absolute.
It truly passes all understanding. It is the single thing in life I can really be sure of; and, it means " EVERTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT." "GOD IS IN CHARGE."
I never had the experience again, although I have recalled it many many times. An absolute joy accompanied this episode, of course. And, yes, I have related it on many occasions to friends and family. I am not a religious person but am convinced we have a creator who is a personal and unconditionally loving God to everything he creates.
P.S. The proceeding occurred long before I was ever aware of a NDE.
And although I suffered no trauma of any kind it seems similar in some respects to what I read happening in NDEs.
By Anonymous on Monday, August 12, 2002 - 09:40 pm:
I was married May 1981 and working in a pulp mill in, B.C., Canada. It was in Feb 1982 and a Friday day shift. I was cleaning lime kilns by adding water to the lime dust and sucking it up with a giant truck mounted vacuum cleaner. The truck operator had wandered off and the 10 inch hose had sucked up against the side of the lime pit. I climbed down the ladder to try and kick the hose away (I did not know how to turn the unit off). I slipped off the ladder and the lime slurry went over my boots and filled them. I then made my way to a water hose and doused both boots with cold water. Next, I dried things off the best I could since it was almost quitting time.
Well, my legs began to tingle then, itch then, they really began to hurt. By the time my wife had picked me up I was in agony, my legs felt on fire. I went straight to the shower and turned on the water and started to peel clothes off. With my socks came full thickness of skin.
To shorten this narrative, I did go to the hospital and was sent home that night. The next morning the bed was soaked, my dressings were a straw color, and no, my wife would not let me go flying when I had trouble navigating my way to the bathroom.
So, back to the hospital at my wife's insistence and the same doctor was there. They started to slowly remove the old dressings and I can remember telling the nurse to let me do it as she was going too slow, next, I began to feel nauseous and laid back on the stretcher. My wife then noticed that I was no longer breathing and a Code Blue was called (cardiac arrest).
As for me, I remember the sensation of floating up to the florescent lights, warmly wrapped in a sheet. Before I went into the light I became aware of the resuscitation effort below me and a vague memory of me lying there with CPR being done. Next I traveled up through the light and now very clearly remember saying " Wow this is great! This is better than any drugs that I took in college! I more or less repeated this a few times as I continued upwards until I became aware of human forms off to my left with one standing right beside me. I could not make out features as it was to bright behind them. The person beside me put out his hand over my crossed hands on my chest and said to me " you have to go back, your time is not yet" I argued with him saying that it was to beautiful here and I did not want to go back. He then said " yes you have to go back, you have a wife and child, you have to go back" He kept repeating this until my mother ran into the ER.
The doctor said, "it was no use. He’s dead”. My mom screamed “NO!” and grabbed me by the shoulders and slammed me down on to the bed. I woke up to find my mom crying over me and, her tears landing in my eyes and stinging.
It felt as if my spirit slowly entered my body. When I was fully aware and telling my mom and wife what happened, I could see the staff looking at me funny as if I was crazy, That stopped me from talking about it for years.
It wasn't until I became a Resp therapist and found out that other people had had the same experience. By the way, that was how I found out my wife was pregnant. I kept saying to her "you are pregnant!" My daughter was born in June that year and got married Aug 3/02.
I honestly feel that I was not meant to die that day as I have since helped save many others, and have witnessed to many others that were dying. From all this I got one very important "thing". I now believe in a spiritual existence or God where before, I did not have any faith and that has carried me farther than I thought I could ever go.
Since that time I have experienced some strange but amazing things working as part of the Code Blue team as a Respiratory Therapist, but that is a whole story in itself. Thank you.
By Anonymous on Thursday, August 1, 2002 - 11:48 pm:
I had been in labour with our first child for almost 18 hours. I was like most first time mums, exited.
I cannot forget what happened after giving birth to our son.
I suddenly found myself looking down at myself and my husband who was very distressed. I could clearly remember him shouting at the doctors and nurses asking what was wrong.
Apparently I had suffered a hemorrhage and went into what they described as shock. I recall wondering what all of the fuss was about as, I felt so calm and relaxed. I remember thinking I must go back because my newborn son needed me.
To this day I can vividly recall this experience and wonder what it means.
However, I feel it is important to mention that when I was pregnant with our son, I had seen what I can only describe as a ghost or similar. Since this experience I have been somewhat scared of certain things that I have seen and basically told my self that I do not want to see things that I cannot explain .I feel that this experience has some meaning and in a way feel fortunate that it happened. However, I am still not sure what it means and have basically shut down on receiving any other messages ,or whatever they may be .
Thanks for enabling me to share this with you.
By Anonymous on Monday, July 29, 2002 - 11:04 pm:
July 12th, 2002,I went to the hospital for surgery on my foot. I came home about 7:00CST,became very sick, vomiting off and on all night till about 4:00 in the morn. I was so tired I only wanted to sleep. I thought I went to sleep. The last thing I remembered was, my daughter Michelle telling me, “Mom we can't give you anymore pain meds we do not know how much you still have in you."
I came to realize I am speeding through this long dark tunnel and the speed of light. Toward the end of the tunnel I can see the brightest most beautiful light, there is nothing like this here on earth. Between the light and me are this electricity colored green and amber. I feel cold, extreme cold, the nearer this electricity comes to me I am afraid. I am so cold, the light is getting nearer and so bright. I am warming up so warm the glow is absolutely brilliant. I feel so much love so safe, so protected. I heard myself saying "God please don't make me go back I am so warm. I have never had this feeling before, don't let me go". I see my life unfold. Everything I did or said to anyone is being shown to me. Everything someone else did to me I see. I then see my husband and myself sitting there. I see what I have said and done to him. I then see, what he has said and done to me. Somehow in my head comes these thoughts through this electricity," Life does not begin and end here on earth, your priorities are in the wrong place, its not the best car or house that counts its all about love for man and animal. Love your fellow man go to the four corners of the earth and express love is what is important not religion. Love thy neighbor, needy, homeless, sinners those that cannot do for themselves or know any better. Our creatures large and small are put here for a reason. It being to teach love, compassion, and respect. They know everything from the beginning of time to the end. If you cannot love and respect my creatures how can you love one another? How can you love me? Teach the world love, friends kindness goodness, and giving." I awoke gasping for air, my body burning, sitting straight up on my den sofa, screaming I couldn’t get enough air. I was afraid to tell anyone. People would say I was insane, I was scared.
My life has changed forever.
By Anonymous on Sunday, July 28, 2002 - 02:03 pm:
Although I had lots of dreams like lots of children do, my real dream was to be a world-class athlete. A gymnast, a track star, and even a bodybuilder, it didn't seem to matter at the time, but I knew I wanted to compete physically. My Dad knew too, that's why we raced up and down the Street, he was challenging me, developing me physically, supporting my real dream the only way he knew how. He supported me in everything I did. Even in Speech recitals, he wrote most of my speeches and would coach me as I recited them, another one of my child hood goals. Still, at twelve, my speech skills were being developed along with my athlete coordination.
When his mother died that year, I lost his support. I lost him. I don't know why. Maybe it was the way she suffered from lung cancer. Maybe it was because her death caused him to reflect on his own life. I loved her too. She was my friend and my grandmother. Hindsight is never gratifying and it doesn't make any difference. Our family life went downhill and within months my parents divorced. I lost my grandmother and my Dad the same year. I never raced up and down that Street again.
My hopes and dreams seemed to disappear. The loss of my grandmother and my parent's divorce created a void and sickness within me that I would not be able to correct for many years to come. I thought that all this had something to do with me. So in order to deal with my pain and loneliness and disapproval of myself I found my outlet through food, outside I struggled with the same old feeling of wishing for acceptance, love, to achieve my dreams and goals, to be liked and thought of as athletic, beautiful and popular like the other girls, the road to perfection. Inside I tore myself apart calling myself fat and ugly. I began to gain weight rapidly over the years using food to replace the pain and sorrow I felt inside.
At 15 I found an answer to achieve some of the outward appearance I was looking for. I met a girlfriend at work who loved food as much as I did. She said let's just eat as much as we want and throw it up. So started my years of Bulimia. During these years I fought a battle I did not think was possible to overcome. I dreamed of being like everyone else and wished with all my heart that it would be possible to eat whatever I wanted, like so many of the girls I knew. It seemed that if you were pretty and thin, you would get all the cute boys and find total happiness.
When I was 18 I met my husband to be, who was a good looking, avid athlete and bodybuilder, whom I spent the next 10 years of my life trying to reach the level of perfection and acceptance he thought I should be at. He was not really willing to give me guidance and show me the right way to accomplish these goals. His answer was that I should already be there. At 21 my husband was stationed in Germany on a military tour. It was here I started the quest for status; I was approached one day by the coach of the army powerlifting team whom asked me if I had ever considered weight training. Had I ever, I replied that I had wanted to with all my heart but my husband just expected me to know how. The next couple of years were spent off and on the army powerlifting team and having a baby.
After I had my baby my food habits did not change and I found myself constantly fighting the battle of confusion between what I saw on the outside and what I felt on the inside. It did not help that my husband had now given me an ultimatum (TO get my fat # in shape in three months or he was leaving) I struggled with this for many years until I found myself pregnant with my second child and going through a divorce. I decided while I was pregnant with my son I was going to achieve my dream. I did not understand the first step I needed to take was to ask myself whom was I doing this for (myself or acceptance from society) so I surrounded myself with people I thought would help me achieve this status. I wanted to be loved and thought of as beautiful so bad that I was willing to do whatever it took to reach this level of perfection. The trouble was that I didn't question my values, so when people said jump I said how high. I searched for the answers by what every one else told me was real. I was told drugs and steroids were the only way to achieve this level, so I believed what I was told. I had never really experimented with drugs or steroids before so my answer was to try whatever they suggest. What I didn't realize is that they didn't really know either. It was all about ego. So I blew up and got bigger; all I wanted was to be beautiful and thin, then I would be loved. I couldn't seem to reach this level of perfection.
So I was introduced to a drug that would make it easy for me to never eat if I didn't want too. I now had brought Methamphetamine into my life and moved forward on my quest for perfection by never eating at all. I was going to achieve fitness status. This phase of my life had brought a new understanding of how the world views each other, by what they see with their eyes. I was hooked! My perception and reality of life was distorted because I lived through the worlds eyes and not my own. I was so obsessed with thinness that I stopped eating at all. My game became harder and harder to keep up with. In the mirror all I could see was fat but in reality the world saw me as slipping away. I could not get thin enough.
I remember my mother saw me once after not seeing her for about three months; she starting crying her eyes out! She said, Sherry Marie, you are a skeleton! What are you doing to yourself? What has happened to you? I became very angry and told her that she did not know what she was talking about.
It was just about this time when I had made a decision to move to Las Vegas Nevada. I just knew I was going to be famous. I was going to go out there and be discovered. Now, I had been competing and doing some magazine photo shoots at this point but as fast as I achieved the status I lost it. I felt very lonely and empty inside. My passion for life began to dissolve into a darkness I could not seem to escape from. I started to get very sick; my tolerance for small circumstances in life became harder and harder to deal with. My children didn't understand what I was going through and every time I looked in the mirror I saw the image of a fat girl. I had walked over the edge of life and began to beg to die. What was this world about? Why are we here? Does happiness exist? I hate life! People are out to destroy each other! This is the dialog that started to run through my head.
There were experiences and events that began to happen that all I can do today is share with you. These events and experiences were very real and began to open me up to the reason for us all being here. I mentioned that I no longer wanted to live. I was not able to interact with the world any longer. I could not stand to be in another person's presence. I could not even stand the sound of my own daughter's voice. I very rarely left the house these days and every window and curtain in the house was closed.
When it became time to leave the house because I absolutely had too. The children needed food and whatever I had to get, I started to have experiences that I can only describe like this; it did not matter where I was at the grocery store, the gas station, or the gym. People would come up to me and tell me that God told them to speak to me. It started to happen so often that I thought I was going crazy. I began to beg God more often to kill me.
It was not much longer that I started to experience the visitation of spirits. How can I describe this other then to share it for what it is, the truth! I had had a best friend who had died the year before of drug overdose. He was very close to my children and me but he had begun to escape the pain of the world through drugs. His spirit began to visit me everyday and often. His spirit would plead with me, not to let happen to me what had happened to him. He would share with me my inner beauty and love for the world. He would tell me that I had much to share with the world.
It was not long after this when another spirit would visit me and share the same simple wisdom. I was here for a reason. I could not give up! Her spirit had once been a powerful figure in the world of the physical, but she too had been overcome by her own self-destruction. This spirit was that of Marylyn Monroe. At this point your mind might be thinking how could this be possible? I tell you this is true. I can only share with you the reality of my experience and the effect that it had on me. So strong was her spiritual influence on me, that she would visit me all hours of the day for those weeks before my NDE. It did not matter which room I was in at the time. She would speak to me through the TV, in the kitchen, stairway, and my room. When I would go to the turn the television on, there would be a documentary about her life on the TV.
What she would share with me was her wisdom from life. She told me that my life was very similar to her life. She told me that she too searched for love and acceptance through the world's eyes and through their acceptance. She too lived through the darkness of being surrounded by high powerful people in Las Vegas and other parts of the world. The world of darkness and the status that beauty can bring surrounded by high powerful men. What she began to share with me for the next couple of weeks was her wisdom of life. She told me that love was the only way. She told me always hold on to the love, never forget the love. For Love was our only answer for survival as a human. She told me not to let happen to me what had happened to her. She said that I still had a chance. She told me that Joe Dimaggio had been the love of her life in the time of her human experience. Once again she would share with me her love.
I am sure there will be much to be said about what I have just shared with you. I can tell you this; at this point I thought I was going insane. The events that happened next were two weeks before my NDE are what I still hold dear to my heart until this day. Some of this you might not grasp, but that is ok. I know what is part of me.
It was super Bowl Sunday 1997. I had spent a lot of my time in Las Vegas attracting High Powerful people from New York. They would travel to Las Vegas and I would hang out with them for dinner and company. I had recently started to experience another event in my life that I could not describe. I could read people’s thoughts. I could stand in a room with these men and telepathically read their minds. I could hold a conversation with one man, and hear the conversations of the rest of the group throughout the room. This confused me and I did not understand it at he time.
One of them men in the group that weekend asked me to visit him in his penthouse; he wanted to talk to me. When I arrived at his room he opened the door and asked me to sit down. He stared at me in the eyes for a few minutes, which made me uncomfortable. He then said to me; it's all in your eyes how much you love and care about people but you're a scared little girl. You don't even know who you are, do you? You are a bright star! You search for fame and fortune from the world. But until you can hold your head high and say; I don't care what the world thinks! You'll never be a star; you'll never be anything. Because, you will always care about what the world thinks! Be yourself! I looked into this mans eyes and I could swear I was looking into God's eyes. I could swear that God was speaking to me himself. Two weeks later the answer I found was self-destruction.
On February 13, 1997 I was given a wake up call, a second chance. I nearly lost my life due to bulimia, anorexia and drugs in which I experienced what we would call a near death experience. I like a lot of people who have told similar stories, was shown and told I was being given a second chance to finish my purpose. I was given a gift that no words can ever be spoken to tell you how grateful I am for the chance to share my story with you. I hope that my message will reach out to the people who need to hear it most.
I had found LOVE! I watched my spirit leave my body and release itself from this world of flesh. I could see myself traveling through a tunnel of light that was a freedom it is hard to describe in physical terms. I was moving freely at a high rate of speed, like a bird. Ahead the light became brighter and brighter until it overtook the darkness and left me feeling like I was in a fairy tale of brilliant light. This was the brightest light I had ever seen, but in spite of that. Unlike the pain one might feel when walking into sunlight from a dark room, this light was complete love and soft to my eyes.
It was everything all at once, love, freedom, release, and the oneness of all that we are. Suddenly I was in the presence of powerful spirits and love. I could feel them comforting me and preparing me for what was to come. Their love was that of complete serenity.
Then there was off to my left the source of all power. A powerful Being of Light was in front of me. As I gazed into its essence I could see all shades of color, as if a rainbow had exploded. I thought I was hugged with such a powerful source of love. Like a child held in its mother’s arms.
I felt comfortable in it’s presence, a knowingness that made me believe this energy had felt every feeling I had ever had. Looking at this Being I had the feeling that no one could love me more, no one could have more empathy, sympathy, encouragement, and nonjudgmental compassion for me than this Being. This being Was Love!
The source that was before me knew the pain I had experienced, knew that I wanted nothing more then to help others.
It was there that the source of God communicated with me. The communication was not that of what I could describe the way that you and I communicate here on this planet. But that of power. The knowingness of communication telepathically. I could hear everything through the senses. Spirits whom had lived my life with me in the physical flesh and had passed on before me were there to comfort and love me, as well as a group of spirits, guides and teachers whom all had been there with me to complete my journey and purpose for being on the planet.
Suddenly I was told by the strongest source of energy and love that I had much work to still do on earth. That I had not yet finished my purpose that I was being given the choice of destruction or that of my dreams and goals, my purpose. I was then shown what I can describe today of my life review. Everything that I had experienced in my life as a human up until that point. What I now believe to be what the bible speaks of as judgment day. It is not the brim and fire that seems scary in the bible, but that of an experience of you judging you. The reliving of all your choices, love, hate, anger, infliction on others. The difference is that in those moments that you created pain for others. You relive it as if you were inside them. You feel what it was like to feel the pain from their eyes. I was then given it seemed like a time of reflection on the events of my life. Some time to decide which choice to make.
I was then told that I was being given the choice to stay or to be given a second chance to complete my purpose. I was told that my purpose was a big mission. I was then told that I was being given a blessing to be shown that which I had not yet finished. At this point I could feel this group of beings eliminate or pull from me the negative energy of my life in the physical world and fill me with love beyond what I can describe I remember the scene was shown to me in a fairy tale city and setting. Somewhat like I had always wished for in my life while alive. It was so beautiful, How could I not try? She was so kind and beautiful. I could feel her heart.
At this point I watched a future that began to pass before my eyes as if it were a movie made to describe a fairytale and all that the princess ever wished for was granted. I was told that I was meant to lead that I was a healer sent to earth to pave the way for others to live. I was shown a movie of a woman who came to earth to help people find their own individual greatness. She would become very well known in life for helping people to discover their own uniqueness, movies, TV, publishing, changing the idea of how the world looks at women, opening up spiritual schools for children, helping the world to understand death, the importance of our internal power. I would become a trendsetter, travel to third world countries and open up humanitarian foundations for the homeless and people in tragedy and need.
My greatest creations would be that of opening healing centers for women and children. I would speak all over the world to large groups of people on topics like anorexia, bulimia, drug abuse, sobriety, and how to discover that unique power within.
This whole time I was comforted by the enormous love of the other beings. The spirit of my grandmother was also there. When she was alive, during the last year of her life in physical form. I had been afraid of her. I watched her go from a beautiful woman into a lifeless skeleton. She had died of lung cancer. During her last days, I was afraid to be around her, because she was not the woman I had known. She was frail and scary looking. After her death I had dreams for along time, as if she was haunting me. At twelve years old I had to sleep with my parents. I was sure she was haunting me for me being afraid of her. In my moment of awakening, she was there too. She communicated this memory to me by sharing with me her reason for being there. My grandmother’s spirit shared with me that she was watching over me and protecting me.
The next version the beings showed me was that of a man that was part of my life during these days of darkness. His name was Phil; I was told that I was to share with Phil possibilities that would happen in his own life. Phil was given the same choice as I here in the physical world.
I was then shown, why we are all here. We are here to experience the human experience. I was told if it were religion, we would all be hoping the religion we chose was the right one. We are not here to kill each other. We are here to help each other rise to the higher level of love. I was told I would leave a lasting impression on the world that the world would never forget. My whole life I was taught that sin and Satan was going to come get me if I did something bad. I was told that the sin and Satan we live is that of our own creation. That we are the true essence of God. That we are God creating God. "Ye are Gods." God lives within us and through us. God experiences it all right along with us. This is called free will that the greatest gift we were ever given was to create our own reality. To experience the biggest, grandest version of ourselves.
Teach the world to play, teach them to rediscover the children in themselves, teach the children to love each other and find the power of using their unique greatness together. I obviously chose to try again. I heard in my head that I had made the promise to return and share with the world my story. I was told to tell. I also remember the beings continually spoke to me through the words I AM. The last thing that happened was when I watched my spirit descend back into my body. I could suddenly see myself lying on my bed. I could feel a light coming through the window that was so powerful beyond words. As I watched my spirit return to this body on the bed. I could hear the last words spoken to me; "You must help the world to understand, that they must give of themselves freely without expecting and love is all there is!
When I recovered the people I had surrounded myself with no longer understood me, nor were they willing to grasp the connection we all have with each other. Phil called me crazy and now began to call me Scary . I was shown that Phil would leave me but that he would come back someday, sometime, and somewhere. One month before a court case of Phil's I described to him what would happen in this court case. Guess what? It happened just like I said it would. This only made Phil more afraid of me.
So as painful as it was I took responsibility for my actions and myself. I lost my hair; I went from 100 lbs. to tipping the scale at a whopping 190- lbs. I did not realize that I would not have these promises happen that day. I truly thought the promise the source gave me; that if I came back, all those events would happen that day. I was also told that I would become a very wealthy woman one-day, and that when I was, I would know exactly what to do with the money. I was told by one of the beings that I would never have to worry. That all the right people would come into my life at the right moment to help me move forward. A promise was a promise! Never did I expect to experience the opposite of this vision first. The world deserted me, laughed me called me crazy. I can only share the pain that I felt from this, but I had been given a blessing that no one or no thing can take away. So I decided to let go. I had suddenly recovered, lost all my possessions, my hair fell out from lack of nutrition, I gained almost 90 pounds in two months and I was currently homeless on the streets because my family and friends said; You made your bed, you lie in it. I did not like what I saw or, what I felt inside.
What I felt after kept me going for awhile. The state of absolute bliss I experienced was a feeling of oneness with all things. Once again, the negative energy from the experience of this world was eliminated from in the light. I was filled with love. How do I describe the feeling? Other then to say it is kind of like the movie the Highlander. I am everything, I know everything, and I am one with everything. From the day I recovered and up until now, my gift has been to experience the mystical. The blessing to be in tune with the almighty source of all things. I experience the mystical or my own description of it, is events that occur in our lives that are not easily explained. It could be something as simple as meeting someone in the moment and hearing them say things to you as if God were speaking to you directly through this individual, or hearing people’s thoughts in your head. Another thing I experienced after is I could be in someone’s presence and know what level of love he or she was at. I would know if they were lying or insecure or full of hate. I would have this prickly intense energy shoot up my neck.
An event I can describe in detail is of an experience I had six weeks after my recovery. I had a fitness event to attend in Palm Springs. Now, I had hardly any money left to attend this event but I went anyway. The promoter of the event gave me twenty dollars for gas to drive back to Las Vegas with. I stopped to get gas and realized I was not sure how to drive back to Las Vegas. I asked a man I saw standing on the side of the road if he knew which route to take to get to Las Vegas. He told me to take highway 10 back to Las Vegas.
Now in this day, I was still very new to all this, and in a sense a baby reborn. I drove for quite awhile lost in my own thoughts, when I saw a sign that read Arizona. I thought Arizona! I looked at my gas gage at that moment to see that I was almost out of gas. I knew that I had no money in my bank account and wondered what I was going to do. I pulled over at a gas station just to try and use my ATM card anyway. It read insufficient funds. So what did I do? I started to share my story with people. Yes, many thought I was crazy! I was still very thin at this point. Some people would throw 67 cents at me or 2.00 at me. I would of course put this in the gas tank. I still could not seem to get the right directions from anyone to get back to Las Vegas.
During this experience, I could hear the spirit speak to me and share with me great things I would do in the future. That I would help a lot of people to discover there true selves. I had now been lost for about 10 hours in the desert and seemed to be getting more and more lost. When I came to a gas station in which I heard in my head, try your ATM card. At this point I had just had a man throw 4 dollars worth of quarters at me and tell me I was tweaking! I said to the man, I was tweaking once but now I am high on life. I walked into the gas station store to a least try my ATM card again. I handed the clerk my card to discover that the card gave me $13.00 worth of gas.
I once again got into the car and traveled a distance when I came across a gas station out in the middle of nowhere. There were two old men sitting outside on lounge chairs in front t of the gas station. I pulled up and started crying. I told one of the men that I was lost, hungry, tired and could not seem to get the right directions to get home. He just stared at me for a moment and looked right into my eyes and said; I was sent to give you a message and the message is, "Tell your story, tell it lightly, don't be pushy, but leave an everlasting example and the world will never forget you." I started to cry again and did not know what to think of all of this. I could share many stories of these types of events in my life but this small description is just a simple story of what is going on all the time in our lives that just pass us by, or we neglect to see as reality.
I realized the denial, the blame, and the procrastination had to end. I needed to take control of my life. I had been given a gift, that gift was a second chance. It was about making a personal commitment to myself.
During the next 4 years I experienced adversity more then I can describe. The anger I felt at this source of energy I felt was enormous. I thought, I could I have been shown this to come back and experience ever loving hell. But, just when I was feeling these emotions some message, a person or an experience would happen to give me hope. What continued to drive me was the promise. The possibility of what I was shown. I wanted to be her. She was beautiful and loved people for who they were.
There are two motivating factors that drive us: Seeking pleasure and avoiding pain. This is the underlying picture that drives our attitudes and behaviors. A new life plan was in order. Your perception is the agent that will either hinder your growth or promote it. I needed to wake up and take a good look at myself. There was a whole world just waiting for me to enjoy. It was time for me to start really living and enjoying life. I began to look at my situation as a challenge. Many people think of change as too troublesome. They believe it's a negative aspect of life. Motivation means movement! Motivation means going places, not standing still.
My real challenge was to stick to my goal. When you look at life and it's many challenges as a test, you begin to see each issue you face as an opportunity to grow. I began to make decisions based on personal growth rather than in response to fear or necessity. I spent hours in the library researching religion and trying to understand why there were so many. I realized it doesn't have to take a miracle like I was given to make a change. It takes a little faith, willingness to trust you and the commitment to try something new. We are destined to grow mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. If you convince yourself that change is bad, you are poisoning your future.
I have worked very hard to learn to love and accept myself for who I am on the inside. It has not been easy; it takes hard work! It takes allowing yourself to be human. It takes knowing that you are able, possible and willing. I would tell myself I could be victorious over weight or anything else in life. It has all been done one step at a time. My dream is to be a true role model to women and children and help people realize that anything is achievable at any age when you create from your heart and believe in yourself. When you are ready the teachers will come. The teachers have come one at a time.
I always ask myself; what example do you wish to represent in society? If you were to leave us today, did you accomplish what you set out to do? So here I am, finally here again 5 1/2 years later. I lost 70 lbs. two years ago and competed in my first all natural bodybuilding show in which I placed first in the Ms. Fitness model search and won the pro World Natural Ms. Figure 2000, along with many other dreams and goals.
I have finally learned to be myself at all costs, to trust my higher power to guide me in all circumstances and to surround myself with light like people who are stepping out to take up the important mission of role model in the next millennium to help create a world of unlimited potential full of love. I have recently decided to begin my project of opening women's healing and rejuvenation centers that will target all levels of fitness and brings a variety of fun and challenge to the spirit.
It is definitely 5 ½ years later and I am following my heart. I now know that all this has been for a reason. How could I have been that beautiful woman that day of recovery? She had to experience, heal and grow to share the message. I realize today, I am not here to convince anyone of my reality or what happened to me. I am here to offer hope, spread the message and teach others of what unlimited opportunities live inside them.
By Anonymous on Saturday, July 27, 2002 - 04:53 pm:
Hello. I found your site and am glad that I have
someone I can tell my experience to, it has haunted me
for more than 15 years.
I was living in Greece. While there, I frequently
visited an elderly relative who had in her living room
a large picture of Christ walking with two disciples
in the forest, one could only see the figures from the
back, I presume it is a well-known picture. She used
to grow ivy all around it and I remember thinking: how
In August 1985 I had to have gallbladder surgery, also
in Greece. I "awakened" from the anesthesia in a
room, which I presume, was the "recovery" room, quite
primitive. I was in there by myself, no other
patients, and just two nurses. There was a large clock on
the wall and it said the time was 1:20 PM. I was
awake but I was very heavy and I could not breathe.
For a moment it panicked me and then suddenly I no
longer had the need to breathe. I saw the picture I
had previously described come alive, He was walking
with His two deciples and I wanted to go with them.
He suddenly turned around and with his finger motioned
to me to come to Him. I was thinking "Yes, wait for
me, I am coming" I felt euphoric. I was not
breathing and I heard a nurse say in Greek: She is
turning blue.... I felt an oxygen mask on my nose, I
struggled, I did not want it, I wanted to go to where
I was beckoned to come - I felt angry that they
brought me back.
This experience scared me so much that I was not able
to talk about it to anyone for a long time. Finally,
I asked a Greek priest here in town what he thought,
was I to die at that moment? He replied that if it
was a nice experience I should not worry about it.
About 3 years later I mentioned it to a Catholic
Father and told him how scared I was that maybe I had
cheated death. He said to me: "Have you ever thought
that He meant to say: Come walk with me?"
This did make sense and I am convinced He wanted to
tell me to believe in Him and walk with Him. I am
trying to do that and I just wanted to share this
experience with someone who has more knowledge about
these things. I have had anesthesia since and it has
never happened again. I now believe, however, that
there is someone out there looking out for us.
Thank you for letting me share this with you.
By Anonymous on Monday, July 22, 2002 - 10:18 pm:
While being sedated for knee surgery something went wrong with the anesthesia causing me to go into cardiac arrest. I remember feeling very cold and then very quickly feeling free, carefree, and curious. I was watching the nurses and anesthesiologist talk and work on me from a corner of the OR. The only bright light was the bank of lights in the operating theater. I watched for what seemed like 5 -10 minutes but what was more likely less than a minute. I felt like I was being kept inside the OR though I was curious what was outside.
Then, with no voice nor instruction I felt it was time to go back down to the table and let them see I was OK. I have had no fear of death since then. The next morning the anesthesiologist came to talk to me to tell me I gave her quite a scare. I had seen her at work and knew how she had reacted, I had very pleasant feelings towards her. I pretended I knew nothing of the event.
The experience made me seriously question my religious belief, and gave me the impression that my soul is eternal. I told no one about the experience until 2 years ago when I confided in someone very special to me.
After the experience I have closely watched and listened to others who have had similar experiences and have always felt that mine was somehow incomplete in that I was not attracted to any bright light nor down a corridor or tunnel. I heard no voices and saw no one. I knew it affected me spiritually, but others have had more 'complete' experiences.
By Anonymous on Saturday, July 20, 2002 - 12:43 am:
I have died twice - both as a result of undergoing, and during, gut surgery. Each was a powerful, renewing experience. I have been left in both instances with the question as to why I came back, since my physical health has been poor since before my first surgery in 1972. By Social Security's definition; I was completely disabled physically 30 years ago, and then again nine years ago when I became officially disabled/retired.
My experiences were both identical. I was drawn into an extremely intense light that is of a power not available to a human world. There was a deep sense of peace, coming home and renewal. Both times, although immersed in the light, I returned to life in response to a call from a source I don't understand today. I know I am here for a reason. Part of that may be sharing something I have learned others would like to know. I'm here today to "help", whatever that means. Understanding the meaning and contributing what I have to give has become my quest and aim.
By Anonymous on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 10:06 pm:
I had only been married for a short time and was not wanting any more children at the time (I had a daughter, age 10 at this time, from another marriage). I had a IUD in order to prevent getting pregnant. During the night, I woke up, very ill and with high fever. I remember going into the bathroom and passing out. When I came to, my husband was standing over me. I was in the bed and he was screaming at me, and telling me to wake up. He was very scared and later told me he knew I had died.
I remember floating out of my body, toward a bright and beautiful light, feeling such wonderful peace and then I heard a beautiful voice ask me"Do you want to stay or go back" I answered "go back to take care of my daughter". Then I was awake and saw my husband standing over me, scared beyond words.
The ambulance attendants came later and took me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for 10 days and had a severe infection from the IUD. I never forgot that NDE experience and told no one for years.
Sometime later, I got pregnant and had a baby boy. His father and I divorced and I was granted custody of my son. The summer of 1989, I let him go stay with his dad and while riding his bike, my son was hit and killed instantly. I was out fishing when I saw the sheriff and some friends driving up. I knew right then before they arrived, that it was for me, that they were coming to tell me something about my children. The sheriff told me that my son had died and how. It was very bad. The minute I was told about his death and the circumstances, I had some sort of a peace, knowing how death really was--peaceful, serene, and glorious. That is the only reason I probably did not completely lose my mind from knowing the circumstances of his death.
I have since related this story to a magazine (maybe Life) years ago when they did a study about NDE’s. I have talked to many groups of parents since then that have also lost children and am able to tell them about my experience in hopes of giving them some comfort. I do not mind if you tell my story in the hopes that it can help others. I think I have described about all the details that I can remember and as accurate as I can remember. This is one thing I do know--I will never doubt that this was a true experience and that "strange" things like this do happen.
Why me, I do not know. I do know, that because of different things my son had said to me as he was growing up, I sometimes suspected that he was not going to stay long on earth. I would tell myself I was crazy and would forget about it or at least try to.
One thing that I did do because of this experience,.. My uncle was dying a very painful and horrible death. I stood at his bedside and talked to him, telling him to go ahead and cross over, that it was okay and he would be at peace. He died right then and looked very peaceful. A nurse was with us and she witnessed this experience. Thanks and hope this can be of some use to you.
By Anonymous on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 09:51 pm:
I can remember it as yesterday. Me and my cousins were playing by the pool and they pushed me in. I remember struggling to stay afloat.
Then I was looking down at my reflection. It was so calm and peaceful as I slowly sank to the bottom of the pool. I could hear my heart beat. I saw my aunt come out of the house and running towards me.
As soon as she grabbed me I blanked out. As I came to she had given me CPR. I remember people's voices during the time she was giving me CPR.
By Anonymous on Friday, July 19, 2002 - 12:15 am:
On Aug 25, 1998 I had spinal surgery to correct flatback syndrome. A condition caused by the Harrington rods I had placed in my spine to correct scoliosis some twenty years before. My surgery was planned to be two procedures lasting approximately 10-12 hours where my surgeons were to access the back and later front of my body. Five hours into the posterior procedure something went wrong. I started to have excessive bleeding. To try to stabilize me the doctors started to give me large amounts of fluids, blood, and blood by-products. When it was all over I had received 9 liters of saline, 15 units of blood, platelets, albumin, clotting factors, and fresh frozen plasma. Still my heart rate was 240 beats per minute and my blood pressure was only 70 palp. My lungs filled with fluid and I was literally drowning. My doctors terminated the procedure and were not sure whether I would survive. I awoke many times that night choking on the fluid in my lungs, needing to have it suctioned out.
The next morning, I know it was morning because I could see the sunlight from windows in my room. I was looking around when a very strange feeling overcame me. At first I felt a bit cold, especially in my legs. The coldness seemed to start there and move up my body. Once the coldness covered me a feeling of peace, comfort and love encompassed me. I had NEVER felt anything like this before. There are not words to describe just how I felt. It was the absolute best feeling I had ever experienced.
I closed my eyes and was emersed in a state of total peace. I had no pain. I could no longer feel the respirator breathing for me, I no longer felt my many incisions, nor was I any longer aware of having my hands tied to the bed. It was as if none of what had happened to me existed. All the tubes and drains, all the machines and noise where gone.
God then started talking to me. He told me all that had gone wrong. He told me just how sick I was. He told me he knew I had wanted to end my life before the surgery and that he understood how much pain, disability and depression, I had suffered. He let me know he was very aware of how hard I had fought. He offered me a choice. He told me he had come to me to show me what death was like, that there was nothing to be afraid of. He said, the way I was feeling would be how I would feel for all of eternity. He told me all the pain and suffering would be over. I could rest if I were to follow him. The feeling was so wonderful, so peaceful, so calm, SO perfect.
The other choice was, I could return to the world and work my way through the pain and the long recovery. If I decided to do that, he said he would always be with me and nothing else would go wrong. It was my choice to make. He did make it clear that what ever I decided he would stand by me. He was satisfied, and I could be also, that I had tried my best. I was so overwhelmed by this wonderful state there was NO way I was going to turn my back on it. Yes, I was ready to die! Yes, I had had enough! Yes, I had fought the best fight I could and was more than willing to follow and enjoy this fantastic new experience.
He then instructed me to just close my eyes. Funny, they were already closed, but I did as instructed and imagined them closing. Just as my lids were coming together the face of my, eight year old, daughter flashed in front of my eyes. I had had a brief thought of my husband before that but, I discounted it immediately. He was a grown man and though my leaving him would be hard he would be able to survive without me. My daughter, no! My eyes flew open in my mind and I started to scream in my head. NO, NO, NO, I will NOT!!! leave my children alone, I also had an 11 year old son. Do not ask me how I know, but at that moment God smiled at me. I did not see a face or a form but I felt the smile and its warmth radiate through my whole body. God had not influenced me directly he had let me make my own decision. Maybe he put the image of my daughter before my eyes. I will never know. All I DO know is he was happy with my decision and I could feel it. I had become rather self-centered before the surgery, the struggle to live was my entire focus and my family had taken a back seat.
The warmth stayed with me a short time. Then suddenly with a jolt I could hear and feel all the machines again. The pain had returned. My hands were tired. The respirator whooshed. I opened my eyes and could see the hospital room. The first real day of my long recovery had begun. I spent several more days on the respirator till the fluid cleared from my lungs. A week after the first surgery I returned to the operating room and they finished the anterior portion. I bled again and needed six more units of blood but I knew I was in no real danger. God was present all of the time watching over me.
I went home from the hospital 4 days post op to celebrate my daughters ninth birthday.
Then three weeks post-op, while rolling over in bed, I dislocated two disks in my neck. I returned to the hospital. This pain was terrible and nothing controlled it. They tried morphine and trigger point injections. I screamed at God that he had lied to me. I was angry and very disappointed in him. He had not told me the whole truth. He had said my recovery would be long and hard. He had told me it was going to take all my strength to accomplish, but he had said nothing else would go wrong and here I was three weeks post-op and in terrible shape. Looking at another fusion surgery. How could he let this happen? How could he have abandoned me so soon?
It took me months to realize he had not abandoned me at all. He was giving me a reminder. I had been treated to a special gift. I had lived through it and forgotten about it as soon as it was over. I had not learned my lesson. I was embarrassed to tell others what had happened to me. I thought it was hokey. Being an ER nurse I had always wondered if near death experiences were real and here I had had one and wanted to forget about it.
Finally I spoke to the hospital chaplain. She told me indeed what I had experienced was just what I thought it was. We talked a long time. Still it took me many more months before I could tell others or share my experience.
God and I have had many discussions since that time, many good ones and many angry ones. The hard part of my recovery took over two and a half years. I am now almost 4 years post op and still struggle some days but have come to terms with my new life and the fact that I have a very special relationship with God.
I have returned to work, doing clinical research, and have told some of my patients, their families and/or other staff members about what happened to me. Assuring those facing possible death there is nothing to fear. The comfort I see in their faces as I describe the sensations and peace, as my tears flow down my cheeks, is what I was meant to do with my return. I reassure them grieving is for the living not the dead. We all miss those we loose. That pain is real, but those who go with God enjoy a state few of us living will ever know.
By Anonymous on Thursday, July 18, 2002 - 11:27 pm:
I will try to be as brief as possible.
In June of 1991, I was bitten by a brown recluse spider. I was hospitalized the day after and treatment began. I proved to be allergic to the medication used and my condition worsened. I started massive hemorrhaging and was transferred to another facility, which was better equipped to handle the situation. I was placed in Medical ICU and transfusions were started to replace the lost blood. I was comatose during all this time. I was not aware of being moved to another hospital until awakening five days later.
At some point during this time, I found myself crossing a bridge. I seemed to be leaving an area of darkness and the bridge led to a place of brilliant white light. On reaching the halfway point of the bridge, I observed a group of people in white clothing, possibly robes, who seemed to be engaged in a discussion of some sort. They were bathed in this white light which seemed to have no particular source. Everything on the light side of the bridge seemed to have the glow about it. As I paused on the bridge, one of the people looked up at me. I recognized him as a man I had met about three year’s prior. He held up his hand as if wishing me to stop my approach. He stepped away from the group who continued their activity, whatever it might have been. The man did not approach, but spoke to me and told me that my work was not complete and that I must return for a time.
At some point after this, I regained consciousness. My wife told me that the doctors were considering stopping my heart and putting me on life support to give my body a chance to rest. They were afraid I would exhaust all possibility of surviving if this were not done. Before they could proceed, I began to show improvement. This came within minutes of the procedure being started.
I was eventually moved to a room where I could have visitors. Two friends of mine who were mutually acquainted with the person I had seen informed me of his death, which had occurred a few days before I was hospitalized. Since he lived in another state there had been no communication between us in at least two years. I was unaware of his death until they told me about it.
By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 10:55 pm:
I cut and pasted this from my online diary...I never spoke of this experience before writing it there this year. I wonder why I waited so long?
When I was in my early twenties, I had something resembling a 'cancer scare'. I had precancerous cells on the cervix of my uterus, and I required a procedure called a 'cone biopsy'. This is typically not a dangerous procedure, but one must take care, afterwards, to avoid interfering with the surgery site...no bathes, no sex, no heavy lifting......
You'd think these were simple instructions, eh?
The 'No Bath' directive was easy....showers could take care of the daily requirement for cleanliness.
'No sex' seemed like a no brainer (“Are you nuts!"), after genital surgery...
but as the week wore on, and the initial discomfort gave way to a low ache and swelling in my vagina, I had a crazy, reminiscent quality to my walk... somewhat like a female cat, after a great night on the town. I sauntered around, 4 or 5 days after the fact, purring.
Life should always be like that...lol....
The prohibition I had difficulty sticking to was the 'No heavy lifting".
I had a toddler.
We heated the house by wood.
7 days after the surgery, I was hitching the baby on one hip, and loading in the wood on the other... absolute Earth Mother....if I had been an Aboriginal woman, I'd have been doing it half-hour after the surgery. (That's the stereotype, eh?. That's the illusion, lol...)
I went to bed that night, and awakened (luckily) in a small pool of blood. When I stood, the flood of red grew.
I held sanitary pads to myself, but they were spent in a very short time. I held baby diapers, and then towels, and then glasses from the cupboard to myself, to catch the flow. I realized I was bleeding to death. I called the ambulance, set out a flashing light on the rural road, and awakened a neighbor to watch my child.
The emergency folk arrived, took my story, and we set out for the 1 hour drive to the hospital.
On the way I lost about half my blood before losing consciousness.
Dying.... Or dead?
All I know, is I went from being terribly bone deep chatteringly cold and bleeding in an ambulance, to the brightest and warmest place imaginable. These are not facile descriptors... the light was like an explosion of golden yellow, accompanied by the most exquisite warmth. It is not enough to say it enveloped me...it WAS me, a mellow sun, a languorous day, a paradise of contentment. All was one. It was the most sublime pleasure I have ever felt. I basked in this place, even as I thought... "I am dying"....
I thought of my death at the same time
I thought of my life...but I was not thinking. Everything was happening at the same time... the sensuous basking in this beautiful light, my death, my life...
I was afraid for my daughter...
the EMT waved an ammonia ampule under my nose, I came back to the ambulance, and I gave them the phone number for my parents.
We arrived at the hospital, they repaired the erupted cervical artery, and took me off the oxygen. My blood was drawn, my values were low, and they gave me 2 units of packed cells.
I think of this as the time I almost died, or the time I decided not to die.
I am fascinated by the near death experiences of others. The random firings of an underperfused brain or Heaven?
Tales of the light and the tunnel and the beckoning figures....
And even as I vote in favour of the 'lack of oxygenated blood to the brain' Vs 'Heaven', I wonder...
What benevolent thing makes our last minutes like this:
and full of joy?
By Anonymous on Wednesday, July 17, 2002 - 10:41 pm:
I had been suffering from depression for about a year. After 3 months of the diagnosis, I had my first overdose. However, it was nothing serious.
Six months later my boyfriend of a year and half finished with me. I had no money, no place to go, no friends . I was far from close to my family. My dad had been beating me up for 12 years since the age of six. I was really upset about the whole situation. My boyfriend could not handle my depression anymore. I could not handle dragging him down with me anymore. I knew that never in this world could I let him live his life cause I loved him too much . I didn't want to be a burden on anyone so, I decided that there was nothing left for me here. All I had was an underpaid job, no friends, no family and now no one who loves me anymore. I had to face facts that I’ve done my job here, worked hard to get somewhere in life but, always to no avail.
I tried calling 4 people. I could not get through to any of them and took that as a sign. I didn't call my boyfriend cause he would think I was doing that for attention cause he was out with his mates (we were living together).
Since there was no one to help me out, I decided it was time to die. I wrote a note to my family saying that I love them and to my boyfriend saying that I did this for me not for him cause I needed to rest. (Which none of them read it anyway cause the police have it and still no one knows about it)
I got myself forty two (42) ecstasy pills went back home put a Daft Punk CD full on, it was Monday September 17 2001 06.00am, put the pills on the bed and counted them again. I was sure it was going to be over soon.
I took twenty then five mins later took another 20. I was dancing really fast and went on the bed, found another 2 and took them as well.
Till then the only effect I was feeling was from the xtc pills so I called my mum to tell her I love her cause I knew that she was going to be really hurt. She told me 'come and visit tonight yeah?' That broke my heart but still didn't change my mind . I started feeling weaker and my knees were shaking uncontrollably and I was crawling on the floor to the settee. I managed to lie down I was feeling good, really good. My whole body was shaking like crazy. Four hours later my boyfriend and two friends came in, he was hysterical and I was reassuring him that I was fine and I knew what I was doing and that he should continue his life alone as he really wished and that I did this for me.
He called his mum and the ambulance.
While waiting, there was this sound in my head like really strong wind and I started seeing nice things which I don't have a clue what they were. There was a force that was like pulling me out of my body and I felt calm just calm. I knew it was time to go and it felt nice all I had in mind was no more rent to
pay, no more car installments no more hard work for pay, no more heartbreaks, no more problems. People will get hurt by what I did but, time will heal everything.
The ambulance took ages so my boyfriend decided to go with my car. I was slipping away, the light was getting brighter and his friend was slapping me so I would stay awake.
Last thing I remember was going to the hospital. The light was getting brighter. The force was pulling me up and even though doctors were calling my name I felt I had to go.
Then I woke up 3 days later and doctors said it was a miracle they were just waiting for me to die!
By Anonymous on Tuesday, July 16, 2002 - 12:13 am:
As a precursor to the story below, I feel that I should mention that I don't have a history of mental illness in my family. I have never acted in a manner described below before this experience. I had been depressed, but was feeling alot better. My wife and I had had marital problems, and divorce was something I often thought about.
After the fireworks show on July 4th 2002, My wife (who was pregnant and not feeling well) and I returned home. Just before she retired to the bedroom to go to sleep, She reminded me to take my Prozac--, as I had been bad about NOT taking in the past weeks. I did as she requested, then went to our family room to watch some television.
Some time passed, and I realized that my wife had fallen asleep. I decided to walk down our neighborhood street to see if some friends were having a party-- Highly likely since most Friday and Saturday nights warrant a party at their home.
There were several new faces at the party... and most were under the influence of alcohol, pot, or both. It appeared that I had some catching up to do--- and the beer had run dry.
I have only ever used illicit drugs on two occasions: this particular night... and one night about a month preceding (same person's home-- both during parties, both times=just pot).
It wasn't long before the pipe made it's way to me. I decided that if I were going to stay, I had to join in-- so I took my first hit.
The party went pretty much as parties go... Jokes, talk of buying more beer, horsing around, etc. From what I can remember, the pipe made it's way to me between 2 and 5 times. At some point, one of the guys rolled a joint-- and I took 2 or 3 drags of it. Next came the invitation to go inside for hits off the bong-- and mixed drinks.
Someone mixed up a rum and coke for me while I used the bathroom. I got lucky to get a seat at the table, as there were several folks standing. While I drank, the bong made its way to me 2 or 3 times. The Last time, I took a very large drag--- and wound up having a coughing fit afterwards.
As the last hit had its effects on me, I sat looking at the faces around the room. I noticed that I hadn't moved my entire body for quite some time-- only looking around with my eyes. I decided it would be fun to see how long it would be before someone noticed that I hadn't moved... so much time had passed, without being noticed, that eventually I worried that I couldn't move. With that, I made an effort, and got up.
It couldn't have been 3 minutes after I stood up that the party all of a sudden ended. I felt worried that I wasn't going to be able to make it home (only living 6-ish houses down the well lit street). I finally mustered the courage to walk home-- but only after the last folks left.
My walk home was uneventful-- I made it OK enough. I walked upstairs to the family room, removed my belongings from my pockets, undressed, and laid myself in the reclining chair to go to sleep.
As I lay in the chair, I felt as if every thing that I did required a deliberate action--- even breathing. I decided that before I closed my eyes to sleep, that a prayer was in order, so I proceeded to say the "Our Father"......
While saying my prayer, I either fell asleep or passed away-- I am not sure which. I remember saying "Lord forgive me for I have sinned" over and over. Eventually I realized that these words were not part of the "Our Father"... I tried to stop, and I couldn't. I could only keep repeating "Lord forgive me for I have sinned" in a pathetic tone over and over and over and over. After what seemed like repeating this phrase several hundred or thousand times, I feared that I was dead.
All around me was pitch darkness. I felt as if I was swimming endlessly upwards and if I was being constricted. All the time ...Lord forgive me for I have sinned. Lord forgive me for I have sinned... I thought of my family. This wasn't how I wanted to die! I thought about my pregnant wife, and my 2 children who were visiting grandparents in another state. OH how it saddened me to think of these things!
My next conclusion was that I was in Purgatory- a place that isn't Heaven nor Hell... but where souls go to be punished for their sins before being let into Heaven.
As this thought sunk in, I started to deliberately change the tone of my speech- "Lord FORGIVE ME for I have sinned". The more I thought about God and faith and my family, the more passionate I became in my efforts of saying "Lord FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED".
During this entire time, I kept thinking about my family. About how I hadn't seen my children in 2 weeks. Although I couldn't change what I said, I had control over my thoughts. As I was yelling with fierce anger and passion; I thought to myself "Lord please give me another chance".
With that, I Yelled as loud as I could "LORD FORGIVE ME FOR I HAVE SINNED!!!!!" it sounded as if a choir-boy had yelled it in song-- and for a split second I saw an orangish-yellowish light, and I woke up in the Chair, still yelling at the top of my lungs the phrase I had repeated what seemed like millions or billions of times.
After yelling 3 or 4 more times, I realized that I was standing in the darkness of our family room. I stopped yelling and asked, "Alicia, are you awake?"
From the bedroom in a sleepy/irritable voice "Yes..?..!"
"Have you heard what I've been saying?"
"Yes... God forgive me for I have sinned. You were yelling it. Why were you yelling it?"
>From here I proceeded to explain the night's events and my dream/experience (?) to her.
As I explained to her, I felt as If the words I said were not controlled by myself. I felt an urgency to talk-- and all she wanted to do was sleep!
She told me over and over that I was frightening her, and to let her sleep. I didn't want to frighten her, but felt as though I MUST keep talking.
I asked about calling our Priest... she mentioned that there was a Mass at 9 in the morning, and I could talk to him then-- That wasn't acceptable, I had to keep talking!
She suggested that I call my Sister on the West Coast (a source of religious advice-- most of the time unwanted). I exclaimed, "That's a GOOD idea."
I sought out the phone... Changing my actions seemed deliberate, and my body felt as though it badly wanted to rest-- but I feared that I would surely perish if I didn't stay awake.
I used the caller-id phone to redial her number. My sister's husband answered the phone-- where I proceeded to tell my entire story again.
I kept them on the phone for 2 or 3 hours, sometimes yelling, sometimes crying... all the time praising the Lord, and insisting that I had been granted a special grace by God. At some point I concluded that the only reason that I was alive was because I asked for a second chance.
I still felt as though my words and actions were not being controlled by myself. At the time, I was positive that God was speaking though me. Looking back at the situation, it's possible (perhaps likely) that the drugs controlled my actions.
My wife, sister, and brother-in-law kept insisting that I get some sleep. And my wife desperately wanted to talk to my family without talking to me. I suggested that they call the police, surely I had gone mad-- and I thought that that would give me a fresh audience (as I wasn't getting through to them).
After what I guess I felt was too much hesitation, or perhaps losing control of the conversation, I walked out the front door (now 3ish AM) and proceeded to ring doorbells and bang on the front doors of my neighbors.
>From here the story only gets worse. I did many irrational things that night/morning.
I had convinced myself that I was a prophet, or saint... and that I would save the world. My tiresome neighbors didn't appear to believe me, so I convinced myself that I could not die-- and threw myself at an oncoming car.
There's a whole lot more to the story, but the significant parts have all been mentioned. The events that followed included the police, an ambulance and fire-crew, ..Trip to the hospital, and a trip to the psychiatric emergency room. I was released the on the 5th at 2:30PM after being determined to be sane. The Doctor that examined me concluded that the pot must have been laced with something
Last Updated ( Thursday, 09 December 2010 15:59 )