Miss Where I Was

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During the heart attack, I was in extreme pain. I fought for every breath and I could feel a cold come over my body. The doctor said, "hang with me buddy, hang with me" over and over, but it sounded like he was moving away. The lights went from bright to dimming and as they were dimming the lights quickly went off. All sound stopped and like at hyper speed each and every thing that I had done, said, thought, or not done--but should have--played through. I wasn't a bad person, but it became clear that I wasn't a good one either. I was terrified that I was going to hell.

Then suddenly the room lit up, not a glowing or bright light, but a peaceful, perfect light. I still heard no sound, but I watched as another nurse burst through the door to help the doctor and the nurse in the cath room. That is when my attention focused on the room adjoining it where my wife and three other people looked onward; she was standing at the far left of the room talking with another nurse. My wife had barged her way into the observation room, I guess since she was a nurse and working with the doctor (private practice) that was working on me. She invaded the room.

I watched as they worked on me (but never looked at myself), and I watched from the adjoining room. You can see everything at the same time; there is no field of vision. I could see the look on their faces and tried to tell them I was great. I was warm, loved, peaceful, and perfect, something I thought I knew until that night. It made no difference in love between my wife and the strangers, yet I knew I had a connection. I remember thinking I have to go back, two kids still at home, a wife, and bills, but I wanted to stay.

I remember thinking I have to go back and when I do it was going to hurt like hell. It did. I was suddenly cold and in pain again but this time, no fear. Over the next few days I would have V Tach, to the extent that nurses would come rushing in with a cart. I told them everything was okay; I wasn't going away just yet.

Now I may have in my haste omitted some parts. If I did, I apologize. To this day I don't fear death and miss where I was.

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