Non-existence

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I was having a particularly bad asthma attack and was rushed to the hospital. While there I stopped breathing and had to be revived.

When I was a child I was in a hospital for dying children (both my lungs had collapsed and they didn't think I would make it. While there I often saw what I called "Takers". Opaque people who took the hand of children who were about to die and lead them away.

I was determined NEVER to take their hands so I was conscious of where my hands were and held them closed tightly.

I heard a lot of rapid discussion and felt a pulling sensation all over. The next thing I was sitting cross-legged (supported mid air) in the middle of a great void. It wasn't dark. It wasn't light. It was NOTHING. I was in the middle of absolutely nothing. I can't express how empty it was. I felt no emotion. Not even calm.

I seemed to be there an eternity, as if there was no such thing as time. I had been there for the whole of existence, in both directions. I knew there was something important I was supposed to be thinking about, but it was hard to care.

I remembered briefly, how hard it was to breathe and whether the attached feelings meant anything. I spent some time thinking about the life that went with those feelings. Not exactly judging but measuring, foul ups against successes. It was NOT judging but just taking stock. I was slowly becoming painfully aware that whatever the measure came to there was not one damn thing I could do to fix it. (That is now my idea of heaven and hell. My own personal measure of how I went.)

Then there was pain. And the loud voices, and I knew I was back. There was no relief at being back. I didn't want to stay in the void, and I didn't want to be back either.

As a result I have no fear of death. I know I'm doing the very best I can with my life and so there's nothing more I can do to fix that measuring. I just don't like the idea of being in either place and I would be much happier if I could choose complete non-existence.

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