More than Euphoria amid the Presence

I was five months pregnant and already dilating for unknown reasons.

The emergency room staff rushed me to have an emergency cerclage placed on my cervix. After the cerclage was placed via surgical stitches, I was told everything would be okay. The next day my water bag broke in spite of the surgical cerclage. I was rushed back to surgery to have the cerclage removed in order for the baby to be delivered. I was taken to another hospital for the surgical removal of the cerclage. Everyone waited for the baby to arrive. He was born but his lungs were not developed so he was stillborn. I was losing an enormous amount of blood, as the placenta had not come out. On the third day of massive blood loss, I was rushed into emergency surgery for the third time within a three-day period. What I experienced during the surgery was death. How wonderful it was!

I am not a suicidal person. In fact, ironically I have always enjoyed life and lived it somewhat carefree, which is why I feel hypocritical guilt when I say "I preferred my presence in death over my past and present life here in the world. However, since my experience, I have reason to justify why I have always been so carefree. God’s message to me was that he is in control of everything. He also told me not in words but through understanding that all of the bodily feelings, events and emotions like anger, embarrassment, grief, stress and the many disappointments that occur in one’s lifetime is totally small and irrelevant in comparison to the afterlife feelings and experiences with him. They are merely small events to form the makeup of life while you are in the flesh.

My experience:

I was drawn into a light. Everything went totally black. When I became alert again, I was in an extremely bright atmospheric presence with no boundaries. This presence had no shape or form; it was just everywhere like the air you breathe. However, off to the right was a more definite presence that seemed to have a more direct relationship with me. A smaller section of the presence that had a more direct personal relationship with my spirit as far as understanding why I felt the way I felt in the mist of the greater presence. It was like he chuckled in the Spirit at my joy and overwhelming "wow" reactions. It is like the smaller spirit shared my human joys and understood them. The greater presence I knew was God. The smaller section off to the right of the atmospheric presence was indeed "Christ" and he was the one who led me there. When I realized it and began to take in my surroundings, I noticed that I was blended in with this atmospheric being. He gave me understanding not in words but in a satisfying knowledge way. All I remember saying constantly was "So that is what life is about?" He just kept on clarifying questions that I had in my mind about life but never asked. I was given an understanding to questions that left me over satisfied, without wonder and questionless.

The divine presence was so calm I had a feeling that superseded peace. The feeling was what everyone searches for in life through money, religion, marriage and everything else. This was it. Then I started understanding why people are constantly searching and are never satisfied. It is because what we long for is not here on earth. The word doesn’t even exist. The only word that may come close to this presence is a strong peace, God. I began to see different events in my life that I had no knowledge or memory of until he showed them to me, like the time when I was in kindergarten humiliated and embarrassed for not knowing the answer to a question. He showed me how embarrassed, I mean I was literally over embarrassed at that time. We all literally laughed "at me." I was given clarity of how important and deep that embarrassing moment felt at the time. He showed me many other irrelevant moments that seemed so important at the time, times I don't even remember. He brought them to my memory like showing a movie vividly before me. But now it meant nothing. He also showed me a moment in my life when I was about sixteen and I was frying chicken. It had absolutely no meaning to me. But it was a moment amongst many unimportant moments in my life. Then all of a sudden my whole life seemed silly and so unimportant.

All my life I had life overrated and he showed it to be just a bundle of events. The understanding he gave me for these showings of myself was to show that they happened, they passed and are no more and mean nothing. He is forever. The life that he showed me in death was divine. I wondered where were the earthly negative feelings and disappointments, letdowns, struggles and cares of the world. Then I said with confirmation "You are in control and that's all life was about." I just kept saying, "You are in control so that's all life was about." Unbelievably saying, "You are in control." I started to feel like life was so worthless compared to this existence then I heard somebody screaming.

I was going back towards a light away from the bright being and I began to say "I don't want to go back this is where I want to be and I heard the smaller section of the presence say "but you have a husband who loves you very much" I was sooo disappointed and angry. I said who is that screaming. I kept saying who is that screaming. I started seeing lights and I looked down and saw my body like I was looking at somebody else. I never saw myself in such a full distant view like this. I said "that's me" but why am I screaming" then in one split second. I was back in my body and realized why I was screaming. I was still in surgery and had begun to feel pain.

I feel guilty a lot because I feel like I chose my husband over God and I never would want to do this. He doesn’t know it but I sometimes feel resentment for the decision whoever made to send me back. I think about What I was told when I came back to my body, "You have a husband who Loves you very much" and I feel a lot of resentment. I spend a lot of time daydreaming trying to recapture the events or the feelings I had while amidst the presence. The more I am here on earth I fear the memory of the experience will fade. I don't want it to fade. The experience was more than euphoric.

When I used to go to church, I was in awe of the pastor and the stories he told about Jesus and God. Now the pastor's sermon seems boring, underrated, and monotonous. I used to be afraid to speak against a pastor. Now when I go to different churches I can call out the true anointed pastors. It's like something is showing me the ones who are teaching truth accordingly to his calling from the ones who are not. These things are vivid to me. I don't take the events in my life so serious because I now know it is so, so temporary and short.

Last Updated ( Sunday, 26 March 2006 06:37 )

Latest Entries

No surgeries!

My experience was of being killed in a tractor accident when I was 15 years old, and becoming a spirit, standing next to my uncle as he kept driving the tractor not knowing I was pulled into the wheel and axle of the farm tractor. He was driving while watching the potato rows, so as not to run over them. When I heard a voice on my left side call out his name, he stopped the tractor and got off to go around looking at the sprayers and the whole time I am just watching him.

Left for dead on a pile of snow

I was a college sophomore. A former roommate had married and was pregnant, due anyday. Her husband needed to go out of state for an interview. They called me to see if I would stay the weekend with my former roommate. We always had so much fun together, I couldn't wait! They picked me and we drove to their small one bedroom apartment. Her husband left and we were alone in the apartment.

Soulful Journey
I was hit by a truck after getting off the school bus when I was in 3rd grade. I remember looking up at a crowd of people staring down at me in shock and a paramedic ripping my jeans to see my right leg that was broken. A broken femur, 6 cracked ribs, punctured lungs and barely hanging on ...