2001 North American Conference

Conference Presentation Materials

NDEs and the 12 Steps

presented by
Karl Williamson
Chris Carson

The Problem, restated

1. Our childhood rules and survival strategies, which once provided a semblance of sanity and safety, are now the rigid masks which we dare not remove to expose our anger and sadness.
2. We were taught to ignore what was really going on in our families.  We learned to pretend that there was nothing wrong, and so we began to distrust others, ourselves, and even our own senses.
3. In our traumatic childhoods, we had to be in control of both our outward expressions and our inner awareness.  This estranged us from all our feelings, and we lost our ability to recognize them.
4. We deny, minimize or repress our feelings because we experience strong emotions as being ``out of control,'' and because we think that such feelings must generate actions.  We are still unaware of the impact our inability to identify and express our feelings has had on our mental and physical health.
5. We tend to isolate ourselves out of fear and to feel uneasy around other people, especially authority figures.
6. In our families, everything was either black or white; there was no in-between.  We still tend to think, feel, and act in all-or-nothing ways.  For us, things seem to be either all right or all wrong, and since things are seldom all right, they are often all wrong.
7. We remain ``hypervigilant,'' needing to know what is before us, beside us, and behind us at all times.  We are always alert to any changes in our environment.
8. We don't act, we react.  Usually, we overreact.
9. We have become addicted to excitement from years of living in the midst of a dramatic and often dangerous family soap opera.
10. We lack self-esteem as a result of being shamed as children.  We perpetuate these parental messages by judging ourselves and others harshly.  We try to cover up our poor opinions of ourselves by being perfectionistic, controlling, contemptuous, and gossipy.
11. We felt responsible for the problems of our unstable families, and as a result we do not feel entitled to live independent lives now.
12. We have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility toward others, but we rarely consider our responsibility to ourselves.  Or we might be quite irresponsible, expecting others to take responsibility for solving our problems.
13. We feel guilty when we stand up for ourselves or act in our own best interests.  We give in to others' need and opinions instead of taking care of ourselves.
14. We are intimidated by angry people and personal criticism.  This causes us to feel inadequate and insecure.
15. As children, we had parents who were not there for us.  As adults, we continue to attract emotionally unavailable people.  We have trouble with intimacy, security, trust, and commitment in our relationships.
16. We are dependent personalities who are so terrified of rejection or abandonment that we tend to stay in situations that are harmful to us.  Our fears and dependency stop us from ending unfulfilling relationships and prevent us from entering into fulfilling ones.
17. We are desperate for love and approval and will do anything to make people like us.  Lacking clearly defined personal boundaries, we become enmeshed in our partner's needs and emotions.  Not wanting to hurt others, we remain ``loyal'' in relationships even when there is evidence that our loyalty is undeserved.
18. We are predisposed to be victims or rescuers in our love, friendship, and career relationships.  We confuse love with pity, and tend to ``love'' people whom we can pity and rescue.
19. We become alcoholics, marry them, or do both.  Or we find another compulsive personality, such as a workaholic or an overeater, with whom we can play out our fear of abandonment.
20. We are each a survivor because each of our families was like a war zone -- and we made it through.  If you are reading or listening to this list, then you can, have, and will survive.
    
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